Serial Drama

Uh, Wardrobe? We Have A Problem.

And that problem's name is Jessica Brennan (yes, that's still her name and you can't make me stop using it!).

It's... I don't really even know what to say about it. It's not that it's so awful, and I won't sit here and pretend to know anything about current-day fashion. But I do know a thing or two about character, and this really makes no sense on an insanely wealthy mother in her thirties, does it?

I really don't get it.

And it's not like this is a one-day aberration. This is Jessica's look now.

Every day. An almost-sheer white baggy off-the-shoulder top with some sort of image on it, with skinny jeans or leggings or stirrup pants or whatever they are.

The 2011 Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza!

Daytime's biggest night is here (pause for a second and reflect upon just how sad that sentence is!) and the three of us are here to comment in our usual hypercritical, foul-mouthed, and--hopefully!--hilarious way on what we're sure will be two hours of epic WTFery.

Click Play below to get the Live Blog started! And don't forget to leave comments here with your own hypercritical, foul-mouthed and hilarious observations.

UPDATE: After the jump, re-live the Emmys telecast, now with bonus screencaps!

Married To The Mob

February 18th was Sonny and Brenda's wedding date which, of course, you already knew, thanks to ABC Daytime's impressive advertising campaign that saw promos on every channel at every hour of the day and thanks to the show's writers, who worked in references to the wedding date at every possible opportunity. I don't really blame them, though, for approaching this with their usual subtlety and finesse because this is big news: a soap wedding. A SUPERCOUPLE soap wedding! A SUPERCOUPLE soap wedding where the bride is being haunted by a nefarious villain with an evil plan that could change Port Charles FOREVER/until the writers decide that it's not fun anymore.

It was overhyped beyond belief and there is a a really good chance that things will blow up in the most ludicrious fashion possible come Monday and a lot of the episode really just dragged, but--and maybe I am grasping at straws here because I am desperate for something to like--I enjoyed oh so much of it. I am a sucker for soap weddings! You know this!

 

Let's start with the bald, bespectacled threat to the well-being of Port Charles. The Balkan's secret double life is secret no more, as a child and a moron have both discovered his identity: Molly overhead him plotting evilly in his office, while Spinelli did a DNA test online comparing Theo's DNA to Alexander's. I...whatever, at least this story is FINALLY moving forward a little. Spinelli shared the news with Sam and Jason.

Sam: Unbelievable. Under our noses this whole time.
Jason: Theo has had the upper hand long enough. Now we turn the tables.

Maybe if anyone in this town could read a person's body language, it wouldn't have taken that long! The first time Theo practically went into a trance and glared at Brenda like he wanted to gut her like a fish, someone should have figured out that something was a little off about him.

The Balkan has no idea that the secret is out and is prematurely celebrating Brenda's ruination with Adrienne Barbeau, even though Brenda has not yet been kidnapped (and won't be for a while, thanks to Carly, of all people, foiling Shawn's attempt).

 
Adrienne Barbeau: I hate that bitch as much as you do. She murdered our son.
Theo: Brenda and her would-be husband will soon pay dearly for their many sins.

I still have no idea why they needed to do all of this at the wedding and not, you know, at any point over the past few years when Adrienne Barbeau was constantly at Brenda's side and Siobhan's purpose in all of this seriously baffles me, because you'd think Adrienne Barbeau would give The Balkan all of the inside information he needs. I hope that Jason asks them these questions when he and his gun confront them angrily!

August Wedding Fashion, Llanview-Style (Also: UH OH)

I think I'll just focus on the most shallow details of this particular soap wedding, since it's doubtful it will actually ever be a wedding.  Blair, of course, looks gorgeously Amazonian in her "it's my wedding day" casual all-white ensemble, but pointing out such things is starting to make me feel not unlike a broken record since, duh, Blair is portrayed by someone who is apparently not human (case in point?  the latest "What If?" episode with its dirty, dirty talk and its creepy song, but the woman is just more on fire than ever).

I know I've been giving Starr a hard time around here lately for her acid wash, her eyebrows, and her adenoids, but I absolutely adored her yellow dress.  Loved it.  Perfect color for her (and not a color most people could get away with), and the detailing on the front was darling.  I kind of want that dress in a color that wouldn't turn me heinous.

Dani's dress was cute, too, since it was age-appropriate and I actually bought it as something she just dug out of her closet at the last second.

Oh yeah, and Langston is pretty.  Is she anything else?  It's hard to tell anymore.  She did look lovely yesterday, but I find myself longing for the days that she had hideous streaks in her hair and wore mall-goth clothes because, hey, at least it made her a little less non-descript.  Speaking of which, can they get a new hairdo for the Cramer girls (and honorary Cramer girls)?  That entire generation is long and layered.  Can we get crazy here, just for a little spice?  Bangs, perhaps?  Would that be a detriment to the teen blandification of Llanview, I suppose?  We can't have that.

Cole, who actually looked quite sharp in his wedding duds, continued on his quest to be the most unpleasant person in history.  Detective Price looked sharp as well in his... well, completely casual and unrelated-to-wedding-fashion outfit, but that's because Detective Price only ever looks sharp, and he can wear whatever he wants to any wedding, including his own wedding.  As the blushing bride, I'm entitled to dictate that.

Oh, forget it.  I'm just killing time pretending to care about outfits.  You may have all heard by now that all the contract cast members have been called to a mandatory cast meeting this Thursday.  Pardon my impropriety, but I am freaking the fuck out.  What do you guys think?  Cancellation for sure, or are there other possibilities?  An AMC-like move to the West Coast seems like an impossibility since they just moved studios.  What else?  What are the rumors out there?  Because really, people.  Thursday is my birthday.  One Life to Live doesn't get to be canceled on my effing birthday, it's a rule.

Anyone?

Daytime Emmys Recap: Worst Dressed

Nearly every aspect of the 2010 Daytime Emmy Awards can be described with the word "Worst." And "horrible." And "Ohmigod, seriously, why is this happening?!" Some of the fashion choices were no exception and we found ourselves briefly grateful that there was no red carpet show, because our exposure to some of these ensembles was therefore limited.  Blinding could have resulted upon more extensive viewing!

(Although, if we had been blinded, we wouldn't have had to sit through the rest of the ceremony, so now we're back to being annoyed at the lack of the pre-show.)

The Emmys featured looks that ranged from the uninspired (a cheap looking prom dress? How chic!) to the ill-fitting to the downright hideola. Below, our picks for Worst Dressed of the 2010 Daytime Emmy Awards.

Melissa Archer

Melissa Archer is a repeat offender when it comes to looking horrendous at the Daytime Emmys. Girl, just because eighteen people watch this broadcast doesn't mean that you can completely disregard things like "taste" and "fit" and have a dress custom designed by Fredericks of Hollywood. Hideous.

Daytime Emmys Recap: Best Dressed

You had to travel over the river (of HORRORS) and through the woods (of "SERIOUSLY, DID THAT JUST HAPPEN AND IF SO WHY?") to find it, but there was some good nestled in the 2010 Daytime Emmy Awards. Not good production values, or good hosting, or good recognition of daytime dramas, or a good red carpet pre-show, because none of those things existed last night. But good fashion did!

The Daytime Emmys gave us a few (literally, a few. See above, re: no red carpet pre-show) glimpses of pretty people looking gorgeous. Which, as we're sure you're all aware, is what we're looking for from our soap-related bashes.  Below, our picks for the Serial Drama Best Dressed List for the 2010 Daytime Emmys.

Maura West

Maura West easily could have looked like a bride in this gown, but the fit, the pop of color in her hair, and her hair and makeup ensured no bridal implications whatsoever.  We don't know how a blond looks so good in white -- repeatedly! -- but we commend her.  (And also want her to join one of our shows...)

Chrishell Stause

FLAWLESS. As in, "SHE HAS NO FLAWS". And we can't even hate her because she seems so utterly sweet. So we'll settle for just gazing at her pretty and sighing.  (Yes, the dress is a bit "dinner with Captain Steubing on the Love Boat," but in a GOOD way.  ....Alright, it's possible we can't see past her gorgeousness.)

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...

...then comes Trevor in a baby carriage and then comes another wedding because All My Children was in serious need of a splashy ceremony and they can't help it that the only couples on this show worth rooting for are already married!

Jake and Amanda's re-wedding gave us something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue:

• Something old: Jake and Amanda's marriage license. Oh, aside from that? Rylee. The wedding gave us some shameless Rylee pimping and oh, goodness, is that old. And also horrifying. But more on that later.
• Something new: Pine Valley's Mayor Blanco is a new (and welcome!) presence in Pine Valley.



Okay, so she wasn't at the wedding, so using her as the new is probably cheating but do you know how hard it is to come up with something new at a wedding where the participants are already married?! Watching the Mayor coldly and calmly strike the fear of God into Natalia was a delight, especially since she asked the question we've all wondered about: "Does Chief Hubbard make it a habit of using this department to settle his personal scores?"

• Something borrowed: Liza Colby's wardrobe was most certainly on loan from the Carly Corinthos Jacks collection, no?



• Something blue: My face, as in, "I am blue in the face from the ranting and raving I have done in several venues about how uber-silly it is that the writers tried so hard to create dramatic tension in a situation where the worst case scenario would be that nothing would change!"

It also gave us an actor and actress who were quite obviously having a ball, which is always nice to see, and some pretty wedding fashion. Really, all the buildup this wedding needed was a scroll at the bottom of the screen saying, "Tune in for Jake and Amanda's wedding. People will look pretty! Well, Chrishell Stause will look pretty. And other people...well, other people will also be wearing clothes."

She is utterly lovely. Part of me wants to hate her, but the other part of me realizes that she's too damn adorable to hate.

Adorable is not the descriptor I would use for some of these other dresses. Aside from Liza's "Carly Corinthos Jack IS Sharon Stone in the Port Charles Dinner Theater's production of The Production of Casino" look, there was...there was a big question and that question is why the hell do you go out of your way to make Rebecca Budig look like this?!

That is what we call a curly-headed rat's nest. A...crispy curly-headed rat's nest, at that. I am perplexed that nobody thought, during the hours it must have taken to tease her hair into that position (I refuse to say that's a style), "Um, why are we making her hair wider than her body"?

Wedded Bliss

The change in All My Children since Lorraine Broderick's work started to air is readily apparent. Characters are acting the way you'd expect them to act, given their histories and personalities, the dialogue is better and I haven't even contemplated calling a poison control center after watching a full episode (I feel like Mr. Yuk would certainly consider some of Charles Pratt's AMC to be auditory poison!), which is quite obviously a good thing, but...

(Yes, yes, I know. I know! There is always a "but"! I truly am impossible to please!)

she's only the show's interim writer, and will soon be followed by David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski, who...well, I am trying (half-heartedly, but still) not to pre-judge, so I will just say that recent AMC history has told me that new headwriters wind up being even worse than their already terrible predecessors, so I don't have high hopes, and the quality of the show now seems like it will be a blip of goodness before going back to, well, Pine Valley as we know it, and as Smokey Robinson and The Miracles opined, "A taste of honey is worse than none at all".

And the end of Friday's episode? An extra delicious taste of honey. Come on, it was a wedding between the town's supervillain and a woman everybody thought was dead! Even the priest who officiated the ceremony was like, "This could not possibly rule any harder".

 

Days of Our Lives Gazillions of Weeks in Review

I will start as I seem to do with every post over the last year or so, by apologizing for my nonexistent Days of Our Lives coverage lately.  Real life, and my day job (which has the slight advantage over this side one in that it, you know, keeps me from being homeless), have kept me ridiculously busy.  Fortunately, Mallory is hilarious and somehow keeps up on all her shows while producing awesome post after awesome post in addition to carrying on with her myriad real-life responsibilities.  (I secretly suspect a meth habit, but don't plan an intervention until things slow down for me and I can therefore afford for her to be less productive.  I am a good friend.) 

But I know our Days-viewing readers have been deprived of late.  (If "of late" = 2009.)  However, what helps to balance out my abandonment of our weekly snarky sessions, I hope, is that this show?  Got good!  It's not perfect, but it is far superior to what it was, to the extent that even with months of episodes to choose from, I had difficulty finding things to make fun of.  This kind of situation has the potential to alter my entire world view!  If I can't make fun of Days, what am I supposed to do?  Sit back and enjoy it?  What is this, 1987?  My bangs aren't nearly voluminous for that to be the case.

Anyway, with my crazy schedule I don't even have time to read Soap Opera Digest, the publication that kindly publishes our monthly rants.  And I already didn't read online spoilers except in rare circumstances.  So now I am basically completely spoiler-free, and I have to say, I highly recommend it.  I've had a couple of surprises over the last few weeks alone, including Mickey dying and EJ being in on the kidnapping.  I honestly didn't see that latter one coming at all.  Maybe that's less that the writing is improved and more that years of watching soaps has finally done what my dad said it would (eaten my brain), but regardless:  Go spoiler free!  It's fun, it's less time-consuming, and it will make you lose weight and help save the planet!  

I started watching Days in 1986, by which time Mickey Horton was already one of the show's elder statesmen (along with his dad Dr. Tom Horton -- sniffle).  I had sensed with the recent increased mentions of Mickey that the show was planning to have him die, but it was still a jolt when Maggie announced he had passed away.  This is largely due to the fact that Suzanne Rogers freaking rocks.

When Maggie took the wedding ring off Mickey's finger, I might have teared up.

And I am a sucker for flashbacks of all varieties, including those from before I was watching (and perhaps even before I was born).

What's Another Word for Anti-Climactic?

I appreciate a good Friday cliffhanger as much as the next soap fan, and I suppose that you could argue that Zach and Kendall's reunion on Friday's All My Children was exactly that: a cliffhanger kept purposely short so that you tune in on Monday to see an actual reunion go down, and I'd maybe even buy that if commercials, and the episode description on my DVR and on ABC.com didn't say "Kendall reunites with Zach", as if that were the episode's major focus.

It was six seconds!

Kendall: Zach! Zach! Zach! Zach, don't! Zach, don't! Please, please, please, don't.

Zach: Hey, hey. You all right?

Kendall: Yes, yes, yes, I am now. I am now.

When the episode was half over and there was still no reunion in sight, I started to panic and wondered if this was some special two hour episode, which, naturally, horrified me. I believe the phrase "Egads, I can't do this for two hours" may have been verbalized at some point, because the bulk of Friday's show was...well, it was All My Children.

David threw an enormous party to announce to his worst enemies, ex-wife and daughter that he's dying (even though he isn't really, and I have to say that I am disappointed that someone so diabolical is pulling such an amateur stunt! This is the stuff of young vixens, not dastardly adults) and to give them gifts to make up for the myriad ways in which he ruined their lives.

Adam Chandler accurately reflects my take on the proceedings.

When the AMC writing staff learned there would be a party, they seemed to say, "This is excellent, because we can now take advantage of rehashing lame stories and introducing poorly conceived new ones!"

And when the AMC wardrobe department saw that there would be a party, they seemed to say, "OH, YES! Finally, an excuse to use all of these hideous clothes!" because most of the fashion choices at this shindig were not okay.

I say "most" because there was one person who looked completely stunning, and if I were her, I'd wear my hair like this all the time and never take this dress off.

 

"Why, hello, fellow Target shoppers! Don't you just love my amazing sparkly dress? Excuse me, you're blocking the Post-It notes..."

When David was giving his presents out to make amends, and he gave Amanda full custody of Trevor, I was holding out hope that he'd give her a second gift. The gift of brains, because as much as I adore the girl, she's been so dim lately that she probably shouldn't walk around unsupervised.

Amanda: I just keep thinking about how this is David's last Christmas, you know, the only one he's ever gonna spend with his son.

You pretty, gullible dimwit.