Serial Drama

General Hospital Week in Review

Greetings, readers!  After a very long absence, the Week in Review is making a hopefully triumphant return.  My work schedule has been completely insane for at least six months so poor Mallory has been shouldering almost all of the blogging, but things have calmed down and I'm planning a return to normal.  I've still been watching GH over these many months, which I'm sure contributed to my near-nervous-breakdown state, so I haven't missed much.  There's even been a few things that have been so consistent that I've learned to find them somewhat soothing.  They include:

• Rick Hearst getting screwed over
• Patrick's hotness
• Sonny being an awful [fictional] human being
• Mallory's hatred of Jason, Spinelli, and Bob Guza
• My mind wandering while watching GH to the extent that I miss entire plotlines (and am subsequently grateful)
• The increasing use of spray tan and teeth whitener that appears to have coincided with the introduction of HD
• This show being, generally speaking, effing terrible

But let's be all analytical and take a look at some specific things that are terrible.  And one or two that aren't.

Casting is really the one area that throughout GH's descent into mediocrity and then awfulness remained strong.  GH consistently casts talented newcomers, kids that look like their onscreen parents, and non-daytime actors who fit right in on a soap.  But this is a huge misstep:  This man

is supposed to be the son of this woman.

Let me have some of my favorite Port Charles' denizens express my opinion about this:

 

Yeah...WTF?  Did she have him in the second grade?  Screw that, they could have been in the second grade together.  I am actually surprised that Maurice Benard hasn't up and quit in outrage, since he was long rumored to not want Sonny to have adult children, and all of a sudden he has one that checks the same age box on the census form that he does.

By the way, wasn't Olivia and Dante's first scene as mother and son a breath of fresh air, totally lacking the usual GH taint of violence and general disregard for anyone with ovaries?

Yeah.

I have no other explanation for that, other than, you know, the usual:

A Professional Stylist Was Responsible For This. One Who Gets Paid Real U.S. Dollars.

 

Redhead.*
Magenta sweater.
Red handbag.

I'm just going to let you sit and rearrange those words at random and decide if they are ever acceptable in the same vicinity as each other.

(They aren't, but I like to let people figure out that I am right in their own time.)

* With bad roots.  What the hell is wrong with the [inexplicably] Emmy-winning Days hairstylists?  Speaking of which, did I hallucinate or in the preview for today did I see a James Scott haircut?  Praise be!

Vintage Suds: GH Christmas 1996 in May 2009

Exhausted by another week of the show currently masquerading as General Hospital?  Want to be reminded of how seriously, staggeringly, immeasurably better this show used to be?  Read on.

(I know what you're thinking -- Dude, you're just now getting around to recapping the SOAPNet Christmas marathon?  The answer is yes.  You have my permission to be disappointed in me, or amazed by my slackerdom.  As my penance, I've provided extra screencaps.  Plus this post will be almost entirely free of bitchiness.  Except about Miranda.  And Tom.  And maybe some hairstyling and fashion issues.  There is a limit to how nice I can be, even when trying to curry favor.  Sorry.)

It’s Jax and Brenda’s first Christmas together!  (That “Eeeeeee!” you hear is Mallory, at the mere mention of Jax and Brenda.)  Jax brought Brenda a whole box full of Christmas decorations from Australia, which he bursts into his penthouse with, forcing her to scurry and hide something (presumably his gift).  Brenda hadn’t gotten a tree because she wasn’t sure Jax would be back in time, but of course he would, because he’s dreamy.  So they’re off to get a tree.  Jax jokes that he’s going to cut down one in Edward Quartermaine’s yard.  Ooooh, the Jax/Q family rivalry!  Remember when there were rivalries on this show that didn’t involve hitmen and “coffee importing”?  Sigh.

Query:  Why did I find Ingo (and Jax) so damned hot when he had outfits and a haircut like this?

The draw of an Australian accent is a remarkable thing.  It is truly a wonder how I managed to maintain my Mel Gibson hate for so many years (long before he publicly became an epic ass, I mean).

Vintage Suds: Days of Our Lives December 1988

I have been in a soap funk lately, hating GH and being bored by Days (though on the latter point there has been positive progress – more on that in the coming days).  As a result of that funk and a crazy work schedule, my posts here have all but disappeared.  So I thought, what better way to get back in the mood than to watch an episode of the first soap I ever watched, from the era in which I fell for it?  Therefore, I bring you a recap of a Days of Our Lives episode from December 1988.  (I previously blogged about the episode after this one, but then found this old tape (I only have like five soap tapes, so the odds of sequential episodes are low), and figured it was worth recapping.  Particularly since I assume everyone has already forgotten about the last one!  Except the video about Kayla’s wardrobe.  Because nobody can forget that.)

Fair warning:  This post will contain many mullets and shoulder pads.  Reader discretion (and, if applicable, ability to mock things you unironically wore in the 80s) advised. 

Everything About This Show Is Terrible

I had a busy day at work yesterday, but I managed to get home at a reasonable hour and make dinner.  Then, for the first time in weeks, I sat down and had time to watch both my shows on the day they actually aired.  I was excited!  Then I remembered that one of those shows is General Hospital.  Oh, optimism.  You never pay off.

Virtually from start to finish, yesterday was a bad day.  And if something stands out as being a bad episode of this show, that's saying something.  That we've had two of these terrible episodes in four days is not the best sign of where we're heading in this allegedly higher quality month of sweeps.  (Is it sweeps?  I'm so confused, because I thought February was sweeps, especially given the Toxic Balls nonsense, but it wasn't, so they just busted out with a re-tread of other sweeps storylines because . . . it was a month with 28 days?  I don't understand.)  Anyway, this show is terrible, and here are some specific examples of why.  Not that you needed any.

Things started off with Claudia suggesting that she and Sonny "consummate" on a regular basis.  I have never in my life wished more for a retroactive fast-forward button on my Tivo.  For the love of all that's right with television (George Clooney back on ER), who allows this crap on the air?

Maxie:  . . . If you leave, I'm just going to end up hooking up with Johnny.
Spinelli:  Surely I'm mistaken.  No doubt high emotions have led to a misunderstanding, or actually a literal mishearing of your proclamation?
Maxie:  You heard me.
Spinelli:  How can Maximista say that The Jackal's tragic yet unavoidable departure could cause her to have carnal relations with the mob prince?
Maxie:  It will be like the night of blizzard, except this time I might not be able to stop myself.  I saw you, with Winifred, at the Metro Court.  Johnny had just had a fight with Lulu and I crashed my car.  He rescued me and took me to this abandoned garage and we had a few beers.  One thing led to another and --
Spinelli:  Surely nothing untoward occurred?
Maxie:  It was like we were playing a game of chicken.  Daring each other to keep going.  Before I knew it we were, um, seriously making out and well on our way to hooking up.
. . .
Spinelli:  What about the original blond one?  I mean, surely you wouldn't deliberately and willingly obliterate Lulu's heart?
Maxie:  Johnny feels like he doesn't deserve Lulu and that he should just break her heart and get her out of his life.  And maybe that's right.  But if you leave, and I hook up with Johnny, then technically I would be doing Lulu a favor.

So much wrongness, so little blog space.

I don't know why the writers find this difficult to remember, but:  Maxie is NOT AN ASSHOLE.  She is supposedly to be a delightfully bitchy bad girl.  Threatening to sleep with Johnny to intentionally hurt Spinelli is arguably in character for her these days, given her rather insane dependence on him, but it shouldn't be, and this "I would be doing Lulu a favor" crap?  Throwing the details of her near-hook-up with Johnny in Spinelli's face?  Being so self-centered that she would rather Spinelli risk arrest thanks to her emotional blackmail than, god forbid, leave town?  There is already character who behaves this selfishly and assholishly on a regular basis.  Her name is Carly.  And oh, if you like your blond selfish assholes a bit younger, there's Lulu.  Leave Maxie alone!  Why must this show RUIN EVERYTHING?

Also, I know this is not a new complaint, but I never promised you a rose garden, or originality in my bitching . . . I'm not actually supposed to want Maxie to have a romantic relationship with this cartoon of a character called Spinelli, am I?  Like, seriously, as a viewer in this show's alleged target demographic, am I supposed to have my fingers tightly crossed that things work out for the feisty fashionista and the mobbed up guy who can't complete a coherent sentence or comb his hair?  For real?  As I have said before, NO HUMAN BEING TALKS LIKE THIS, and it would be fine (I guess) if he was just on for comic relief a couple of times a week, but he's on ALL THE TIME and he's dragging Maxie permanently into the mob and I'm beginning to move from barely tolerating him to fully HATING him and wanting to reach through my screen and SLAP SOME SEMBLANCE OF NORMAL ENGLISH into him.

It's make me INCREDIBLY YELLY and now I'm like that Agent Raynor dude and oh, that reminds me, I HATE HIM TOO.

(P.S.  Kirsten, sweetie, those extensions . . . please fix, 'k?

Things That Are Not Okay in Salem (Hint: "Everything")

Mallory and I have an ongoing email conversation about which is worse, General Hospital or Days of Our Lives.  (And I mean "ongoing" in the broadest sense of the word, since this particular debate has been going strong since 2005 or so.)  Over the years, GH has generally taken the crown, since we were almost always able to say something along the lines of "Sure, Days is incredibly [boring/nonsensical/ridiculous], but GH [killed 17 people yesterday/fed a Quartermaine to lions/had Sonny and Carly have disgusting sex in a limo]."  Lately, though -- and it's entirely possible this is due to GH's high concentration of attractive people because please remember we are shallow first and foremost -- Days has been taking the title.  It is unbelievably boring and poorly written, and the boring and poorly written lines are said by characters that you either don't give a crap about or that weren't even on the canvas two years ago.  I don't know what's going on with the ratings, which I heard are actually up (?!?!?), because I almost have to be forced under threat of violence (and/or cranky blog comments) to watch it.

Anyway, as is probably obvious by this point, there isn't a whole lot in Salem that's setting my world on fire in any kind of good way these days, so I am compelled to focus only on the negative (much to my obvious and heartfelt dismay, obvi).  Let's take a closer look at the many things that are, using one of my favorite super-sophisticated analytic phrases, very much not okay, shall we?

Not okay:  Chloe as devoutly religious.

I'm sorry, this was hilarious.  Something about Nadia Bjorlin's way of just rolling her eyes toward the ceiling sent me over the edge into outright giggling, which is probably not exactly what the writers were going for.  (Not to imply that they are going for anything in particular, because I've seen no evidence of that.)

 

 

I cannot stop laughing.  For real.  I've looked at those screencaps at least a dozen times, and I laugh every single time.  I am easily entertained.  Which makes this show's inability to do so all that much sadder.

While we're talking about Chloe, I must discuss another thing that is not okay, specifically her hair (spoiler: bad hair is going to be a theme today!).

Now They're Just Screwing With Me

Seriously, General Hospital, you can't follow through on a storyline to save your life and yet you cling with all of your might to Robin's hideous plaid coat? Double you tee eff?

THIS is what you decide to try that new fangled "continuity" thing with? An ill-fitting, ugly coat?

And then you accessorize it with a dead Muppet?!

Seriously, they murdered and skinned Grover and then paired him with a coat whose pattern was last seen on the set of Maude.

It's not enough that your stories are terrible and anger-inducing and turn our brains to mush, but you also have to sear our retinas as well? I hate you.

General Hospital: 2008 In Review

We sat down to do our General Hospital 2008 in Review -- filled with bitterness and resentment as has become our norm when dealing with this mess of a show -- and we thought, what if our longstanding hatred of Bob Guza and his team's writing has blinded us?  What if there are really oodles of good things that we're overlooking as we focus on the fact that the mafia stole our soap?  How can we be more objective about this?  So we created a purely mathematical, empirical, unbiased approach that ensures we will be able to get a true assessment of whether this show really does suck.  We won't spoil the answer for you!  Walk back with us through the last year of GH episodes so you can understand our multi-layered analysis, won't you?

1995 and 1996

Things that suck:  Tom and Felicia.
Things that do not suck:  Everything else.

Early January

Things that suck:  This show declaring war on brunettes; ridiculous, stereotypical, caricature-ridden version of Kate's Manhattan; this show thinking we're stupid enough to care about Sonny getting arrested; Felicia; Spinelli still not speaking like a human being; Luke's ridiculous coma-dream; Emily the Tumor; Carly's wardrobe; Lulu getting kidnapped AGAIN; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Maxie; Kirsten Storms' performance as Maxie in the wake of Georgie's death; Kate's New Year's Eve look.

Mid January

Things that suck:  Stories involving kids playing with matches; unrealistic medical scenarios; yet another hostage situation in a hospital; Becky Herbst's highlights; Sonny lecturing Michael about hitting people; Lulu's kidnapping; not caring that Luke and Laura's daughter is kidnapped; Becca momentarily loving Sonny; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Alexis and Diane bonding, especially over both having killed a dude; Jax; Carly's comeuppance; Greg Vaughn's foxiness; Lucky being dreamy and protective.

Late January

Things that suck:  The ad campaign surrounding Sarah Brown's return; Felicia; Kristina Wagner's "performance" as Felicia; Becky Herbst's bangs; Lulu getting to choose between two hot guys; Alexis prosecuting someone who attacked her; Alexis "filling in" as DA while Ric is out of town; the Text Message Killer storyline; killing off Coop; Emily the Tumor; Dr. Devlin being pushed as sexy; Michael buying a gun; Michael buying a gun from Oliver!-esque adolescents; Megan Ward destroying The Bob; Sam's wardrobe; trust falls; Maurice Benard's duh face; Maxie having another boyfriend get murdered; Maxie owning three hideous knit hats; throwing the term "bastard son" around; thinking the writers would do a good HIV-positive pregnancy storyline; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Sarah Brown's return; the baby who plays Jake; Jason having an honest conversation with Michael about violence; Jason telling off Carly; Logan being hot; Cam; Dr. Julian if he cut his hair; Megan Ward's hair in virtually any style; Patrick shirtless. 

Truly a Reason to Give Thanks: A GH Episode That Was Not Terrible

Before anyone complains about this looong recap and me fawning over Patrick, bitching about how ugly Robin's shirts are, and drooling over Becky Herbst's bone structure, please remember that a slight majority of you sort-of asked for this. 

Thank you.

We open with Patrick hotly arriving home from the hospital to Robin, who seems gloomy, prompting Patrick to hotly question "Baby, what's wrong?"  She's just new-mom exhausted, having not had time to clean the house or change her clothes or remove the eau de baby spit-up that Emma gave her.  They adorably cuddle on the couch while Patrick hotly tells her he had a day from hell, including a 10-hour surgery on a little boy.  Robin has had a busy day and rattles off a litany of things, including Mac calling about having bought a huge turkey (aw!).  Robin asks what Patrick would have been doing over the holidays in his bachelor days, and while he says he'd have been someplace tropical, Robin points out that she met him in December and he was very much not in the tropics, in fact she walked in on him in the hospital shagging a nurse.  He says she should have knocked.  Ha. 

Patrick looks like he is going to fall asleep sitting up while Robin gets all deep:

Robin:  You know, sometimes it's crazy to think that just one decision can change your entire life.  Like if you turn left then one thing will happen ... I don't know, there's ... I know there's a name for it, I just can't think of it right now.
Patrick:  It's the Butterfly Effect.
Robin:  I'm in love with a really smart man.
Patrick:  Yes, you am.  They say when a ... lay down [Robin cutely puts her head on a pillow in his lap] ... they say when a butterfly flaps its wings in China, it changes the weather in New York.  Some people call it fate; that destiny is inevitable.  And if you're meant to love someone, you will love them, no matter when or how you met.

As Robin dozes off, we get the classic tingly sounds and fuzzy screen that let you know we're in a soapy dream/alternate reality. 

Epiphany, Kelly, and Lainey greet Robin, who has just arrived from a visit to Paris yet inexplicably is wearing a hideously ugly top.  Robin is laden with gifts for her roomies, Lainey and Kelly, and for Epiphany.  I should focus on something else, like how different must Epiphany be in an alternate reality to deserve a gift from Paris, but I am fixated on this shirt.  Oh, Alternate Reality Robin, you disappoint me. 

This thing is equal parts maddening and confusing.  It's like Gunne Sax tried to make club wear.

Robin wants to know what's new, and what's new is a neurosurgeon named Patrick Drake.  He is "smokin' hot" according to Kelly, and we know she is correct because 1) even a broken clock is right twice a day, and 2) her variable group by which to measure hotness is enormous.  Lainey and Epiphany fill in that he's also an arrogant horndog, but Kelly is stuck on the hot part.  As she always . . . No, you know what?  I'm not going to make the easy slut joke there.  I'm taking a stand!

Robin checks herself out in the locker room mirror and somehow manages not to rip that hideola top right off her tiny frame.  Perhaps given another minute she would have, but she's distracted by giggling coming from the shower. 

Of course, Patrick is in there with a nurse.  Leyla, to be precise.  Kimberly McCullough demonstrates reason #178 she is awesome with this Expression Hall of Fame-worthy "Leyla?!"

A shirtless and kind of douchebaggy Patrick is all "we're a little busy in here."  Let's focus less on the douchebaggy, more on the shirtless, shall we?  And the hotness.

The regular credits play, to remind you of the shitfest you have to suffer through every other day of the year to get this one holiday-themed mob-free nugget of soapiness. 

Please Read This Post With The "Jaws" Theme Song Playing In Your Head

Reader Mia mentioned the other day that this terrible thing on GH had happened and I didn't have the heart to watch Tuesday's episode to see it for myself. I also didn't have the heart to watch Tuesday's episode because I still feel sick about Monday's episode. But I finally got caught up and it's true. We got saddled with the return of Robin's hideous plaid coat. 

Out of all the legitimately cute plaid coats in the world, they chose to purchase this one...

Out of all the GH clothing items of yesteryear, they pulled this one out of wardrobe....

And, multiple times, they have forced us to look at this amazing Technicolor plaid monstrosity...

The mind boggles. "Let's put the adorable girl in this OVERSIZED, BRIGHTLY AND ALSO CLASHING COLORED COAT"?

Viewers are leaving your show in DROVES. And your storytelling is AWFUL and will surely cost you more of your audience. And your you decide to compound that with this coat? FAIL.