Serial Drama

Further Evidence of How Bad the Emmy Pre-Show Was

We did not get to see this, an ensemble that would have provided endless fodder throughout the live blogging.  I could have thought of it when GH won for best drama series and smiled, instead of crying and throwing things.  I mean seriously, Judith Chapman has a fan AND a parasol!  While attired in black silk pajamas!  Fantastic.

Also, our readers kindly pointed out that while Jason Thompson may in fact have been hotly absent, James Scott was very much present; he was just ignored by all camerapeople during both the pre-show and the ceremony.  The only reasonable explanation is that including him would have made the other men feel bad about themselves; his exclusion was a self-esteem-building exercise.  Well done, ABC!

Daytime Emmys Recap: Best and Worst Dressed

Over the years, you may have noticed that we like to harp on certain things. And by certain things, we mean "everything". But one of our favorite things to discuss is soap fashion, hair and makeup. So, needless to say, the Daytime Emmys are always a favorite night, since we get to drool over the great fashion choices and mock the huge fashion mistakes.

Our picks for the evening's Best Dressed

• Debbi Morgan:  We believe the word is "flawless."
• Kirsten Storms:  Her look is pretty and youthful, and she looks fabulous.
• Michelle Stafford:  She is incapable of looking bad.
• Rachel Melvin:  The hair isn't her best moment, but the vibrant yellow dress is beautiful.
• Susan Lucci:  Say what you will about La Lucci, but she knows how to dress. Stunning!

poll by twiigs.com

And our picks for Worst Dressed

• Jeanne Cooper:  Even though she's fierce and even though she could kick both of our asses (and would probably do it with her new Emmy statuette!), we just didn't get it.  It hurt us.
• Judi Evans:  From the Blanche Deveraux-approved gown to the formal mullet, this did not work on any level.
• Melissa Archer:  The last time this would have been a good look was a homecoming dance in 1997 where the song of the night was "My Heart Will Go On" and even that is pushing it a bit.
• Rebecca Budig:  It's almost like she got tired of being so incredibly pretty and adorable and said, "You know what, I'm going to try looking horrible for once!"  Which is fine as a social experiment, but don't do it the night of the Emmys!
• Tyra Banks:  She...is just the worst.

poll by twiigs.com

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review

Every time I see the beginning of a preview for a new Adam Sandler movie, I think, well, at least it won't be worse than [insert name of second most recent Sandler movie here].  And nothing could be worse than The Waterboy.  But then, somehow, the latest Sandler movie almost always is worse than the last.  It's downright vexing.  Every once in a while a Punch Drunk Love will come along and surprise me, but that's rare.  Mostly it's more like my most recent experience, sitting in a theater with the bad taste of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry still fresh in my mouth six months after being subjected to it on cable, shocked that this Zohan travesty appears to be even worse, adding the tangy twist of racism to the already heavy flavor of homophobia left over from the last movie. 

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this:  Every week of General Hospital is like a new Adam Sandler movie.  Except without the possibility of one good stomach-hurting laugh (yes, there is usually one), and with a much higher likelihood of bloody assaults and homicides.  (I am totally fine with endless non-bloody assaults involving, say, Bob Barker.  But realistic bloodiness I can only tolerate in small doses, which GH usually exceeds in the first week of any given year).  I stick around every week, in truth, only because I'm paid to.  Occasionally I get rewarded with Awesome Writer throwing us a Punch Drunk Love-esque bone in the form of a scene that is actually engaging, but for the most part, at the end of a Friday episode, it's just me looking at my TV screen with the same expression I have at the end of 90% of Sandler's movies.

That was the extended version of my now-standard introduction to these Week in Reviews.  The condensed version is:  This show sucks.

Reminder:  these two are brother and sister.

These two adult roommates, who gaze at each other and participate in touchy-feeliness that includes but is not limited to neck rubs, are brother and sister.  I'm just...saying.  Also, in true sibling tradition, the sister is paying someone to seduce her brother away from his girlfriend.

 

Claudia: I will pay you ten thousand dollars to seduce my brother John.  I'll give you twenty thousand dollars if you can get Lulu to catch you in the act.

I hate this show so much.  They have exactly ONE tolerable female character in this age group, and they are making her a hooker. (Actually, am I misremembering, or will this now be the second time Maxie has agreed to sleep with a guy in exchange for money from someone else?  It's not only misogyny, it's redundant misogyny; it's everything that General Hospital is all about.)  I was totally outraged and all puffed up to blog about it, but then she wore a really fabulous dress and it calmed me down.

Plus, Lulu -- who I officially hate now, daughter of Luke and Laura or not -- looks horrible right next to her.  I love a catty juxtaposition.

Maxie's dress could not be cuter if it were a puppy in a toilet paper commercial.  Lulu's t-shirt appears to have a pixelated tie-dyed pattern accented by a sequined fruit basket on one boob.  I know none of the words in that last sentence appear to go together, but there they are.  And I know Lulu is supposed to have bad taste in clothes (Giselle mocking her fashion sense was amusing), but you can show that without offending one of my most important senses with that level of ugliness.

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review: Stupidity Is the Only Winner

Do you sometimes wonder whether General Hospital is some kind of social experiment, in which we as viewers are being tested as to how much horribly crappy un-soapiness we can be subjected without going postal and storming the studio?  It seems like a risky strategy, but it makes far more sense than the alternative possibility, which is that there are people putting this show on the air who actually think it's good.  I've exhausted so many adjectives describing GH in recent years, but my thesaurus is now empty.  I'm just exhausted by the stupidity.

I want to go rescue all the actors from this awful writing.  We could have a giant happy hour with a drinking contest about who was subjected to the stupidest storyline:  "I got shot in the uterus!"  "I had to act like Sonny was still sexy!"  "I had a blog war with my neurosurgeon boyfriend!"  "I called sexual assault adultery!"  "I had 27 different life stories and I still never asked who my father is!"  "I was a wisecracking ghost in tracksuit!"  "I had to pretend being married to Carly was a good thing!"  "I had to act like Australian and British are the same!"  "I was simultaneously a hitman AND the hero of the show!"  "I miscarried a pillow!"  "I was a tumor!"  "I had to seem like I wasn't attracted to Lucky!"

Who would win?!  Oh, dear readers, let's get real:  This is General Hospital.  There are no winners here. 

The best thing to happen in weeks was a rerun yesterday because of Memorial Day, in that no new offensive or stupid material could be foisted on the viewing public.  Happy holiday weekend, America.

My god, the saga of Michael and The Really, Really, Reeeaaaallly Long Goodbye just about did me in.  There were some good performances, but I swear there were about eight consecutive episodes of people sitting by Michael's bedside, grieving him and cursing the mob.  You'd think the latter point would perk me up, but 1) it is impossible to be perked up in the midst of a story about a 12-year-old in a permanent vegetative state after getting shot in the head, and 2) I know damned well there will be no long-term anti-mob consequences from all this, because I'm not new.

Anyway, Carly and Jason said goodbye to Michael.

Laura Wright and Steve Burton were really good in those scenes.

Bobbie said goodbye to Michael.

Jackie Zeman was good (if a bit immobile) in that scene.

Sonny said goodbye to Michael.

Maurice Benard was . . . there. 

And after Carly and Sonny transported their adolescent son to a long-term care facility where he will spend the rest of his life (or the few months until he is miraculously cured and SORAS'd), they did what any two reasonable adults in horrible pain with loving significant others at home waiting for them would do.

I have to put this after the jump, you guys, because I wouldn't want some innocent 'net-surfing person to happen upon these photos without intending to land there.  It's just not fair.

Hooray for the Haircut! Now, About That Uber-Creepy "Romance" . . .

Rachel Melvin, finally you have a haircut that does you justice!

So adorable.  And SUCH an improvement.

Shawn Christian, you are still hot,

but please 1) get a haircut, and 2) urge the powers-that-be to give you a romantic storyline opposite an actress who was born before Reagan got elected (um, the first time, just to be clear).  (Or, in Daniel-speak?  "Dude, seriously, step away from the barely-legal.")

P.S.  Days Month in Review coming to a blog near you shortly; this show is getting good, y'all!  I can hardly believe I just typed that, but there you go.

Screencaps courtesy of Days of Our Lives 2.

Now THIS Is a Serious Problem

Lately, I've become increasingly concerned about Dr. Daniel Jonas and Chelsea Brady.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  It's clear to anyone with eyesight, and a sense of shame.  There can be no disagreement about the wrongness involved.  It's just indisputable. 

Right?  It's so obvious:

Their hair is fug.

Rachel Melvin's haircut is one of those that you catch a glimpse of and you think you must have seen it wrong.  Like, obviously she must just have it pulled back in a too-messy bun, or the camera just caught her at a bad angle.

But no.  That's actually it.  What in the effing eff is that effedupedness?!  What are those pieces in the front?  What is the possible logic in that?  Did her stylist say something really offensive halfway through the cut, necessitating a quick escape in a fit of righteous indignation?  Or is this what we have to look forward to now that 98% of women in this country have realized that no, they cannot pull off the Posh bob?

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review

Let's start with the biggest General Hospital news of late, the Daytime Emmy nominations.  Mallory covered the high and low points brilliantly already, so I won't take up much of your time with this.  (Mostly because knowing our readership, if I spend much space discussing GH being held up as one of the four best soaps on the air, there will be widespread cardiac episodes and rage blackouts.  And we need to save those up for when they announce a second season of Night Shift.)

I can actually deal, at least conceptually, with GH being nominated for best show and writing, if they submitted episodes from the Metro Court hostage situation.  Granted, I thought 75% of that storyline sucked, but it was better than almost everything else GH put out the rest of the year, and from what other people say it's better than what lots of other shows aired as well.  So I can get to an okay place with the nominations.  As long as they lose, of course.  If they win, I'll go postal.  But let's cross that horrifying bridge when we get there (and when we have lots of alcohol).

What really bugs me about the GH nominations is that they give the impression that the cast is the problem.  "The show has exceptional writing, directing, and showrunning -- shame about that shitty cast that can't muster more than Tony Geary's [Deserved But Let's Face It Guaranteed Until He Retires Even If He's Onscreen for Ten Minutes a Year] nomination, huh?"  Which is unfortunate because I think GH has a great cast, one that frequently makes terribly written material bearable, even entertaining.  So to sum up, Daytime Emmy voters are even more inept than the people who run ABC Daytime.  Who knew such a thing was possible?

But on with the recappery . . .

General Hospital Truckload of Weeks in Review

Last week, my dog somehow injured his paw and I came home to him limping and holding up his front leg in the most pathetic and heart-tugging manner.  Long ($450) story short, his discharge instructions from the emergency vet said that he came into the clinic "suffering from acute lameness."  When I read that I was all "OMG, just like General Hospital!!!"  Thank god I didn't say it out loud.  At least I think I didn't.  I don't know.  This show makes me do crazy things, you guys. 

I haven't blogged about this mess in a couple of weeks, so rest assured there is lots of acute lameness ahead.  The show, not my blogging.  Or, well...no promises.

Obviously the biggest twist since I last annoyed you with my GH musings is Ian shooting Michael.  To be honest, my combination of cold dead heart + dislike of Michael Corinthos = wouldn't really have objected to the Michael-gets-shot storyline.  I wouldn't have loved it, mind you, but I probably wouldn't have been all up in arms and ranty like I sometimes get.  But Bob Guza's "explanation" for the storyline is so appalling, so outrageously out of touch with decency, that I am now going to hate it -- and him! -- with a dedication I've heretofore reserved for certain politicians and Louis Vuitton logo bags. 

I cannot in any way improve upon Mallory's awesome dissection of Guza's assiness, so I won't try.  I will point out that her brilliant post has gone on to become the most commented-on in Serial Drama's history.  The post and comments have me a little concerned, though...do I understand that you all have a few somewhat negative feelings about this soap opera?  You really should express them!  I had no idea.

Let's start off in familiar territory:  Back in mobville, Sonny continues his quest to extend his Duh Face of the Year title.

I feel like we need to better publicize his vast repetoire of duh.  It's becoming legendary!  I smell a future tribute post.

Jack and Jennifer Would Be Appalled

The Fug Girls rightly fugged Ashley Benson, who used to play Abby on Days.  I am 1) really concerned about the 1/3 of readers who think that dress is okay, and 2) completely speechless at what a dead ringer she is for Taylor Momsen (Jenny from Gossip Girl) and how I never realized it until now.  (BTW, what's more disturbing about Taylor Momsen, that she is only 14 or that she was the little girl in the Grinch movie?  It's a close call.)

Also, on the topic of horrible soap fashions, the Daytime Emmys and our Second Annual Live-Blogging Extravaganza are less than a couple of months away.  Woooo!  Well, I'm looking forward to it.  What if there's another sarong?  Bliss.

Happy Birthday, Y&R!

Anniversaries and birthdays are exciting in and of themselves, and are even more exciting when they are milestones (notable exception: my upcoming 25th birthday, which is already giving me agita). So the fact that The Young and the Restless is celebrating 35 years on the air today is ultra exciting indeed, especially since it was absolutely stellar for, like, ninety percent of those 35 years.

And yet...I keep thinking of the Christmas episode of The Office when Michael was all, "Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame".

Part of that is the fact that this is the photo SOAPNet uses to commemorate the big anniversary. I don't even know if lame's the right word.

I know that the non-ABC soaps are treated pretty shabbily by SOAPNet, but there's really no reason for that photo. It's just rude. Peter Bergman looks appropriately dreamy, but Michelle Stafford, who I think is stunningly gorgeous, is looking like what Christian Siriano would call a hot tranny mess. And Jeanne Cooper looks like she's illustrated. I don't get it.

The other part of it is the fact that the stories going on in this milestone week are kind of crappy: Another new character created because the writers ill-advisedly killed off the portrayer's better character is instantly attracted to Gloria? Lame! Katherine calling Amber for support instead of her daughter or her best friend? Lame! Victor and Sabrina just...existing? Lame!

And then there was the Restless Style launch party, which had all of the elegance and flair of the socials we had in sixth grade and those included leggings and awkwardly dancing in the gym. I just...was speechless through most of it.

General Hospital Week in Review

I've become completely unable to come up with introductions to Week in Reviews.  This show has fried my brain.  Imagine you're reading this and it's a witty and concise synopsis of the week that makes you want to read on.  Or just know that if you keep reading, you will see 1) Sonny getting beat up, 2) a poll in which you can express your wish that Carly was dead, and 3) incontrovertible proof that evil forces are plotting against Kelly Monaco.

Aw, Sonny, why the long face?

Cat got your tongue?

Okay, no...

Maybe you're just a little bummed, remembering how you got your ass handed to you, in public, by a kid who a scant few months ago thought he could fly? *

Or maybe you're still steaming over Jax giving you a verbal asskicking to match Johnny's literal one?

Man alive, it was a great week to be a Jax fan.

My favorite part of that conversation was that Sonny the intimidating mobster is approximately seven feet shorter than Jax.

(And is well prepared to defend his Duh Face of the Year title.)  Sonny's still a weeble, is what I'm saying.

I also loved how Sonny walked around for like a day and a half bleeding from the head, and nobody said boo about it.  Is it possible everyone in town is finally starting to hate him as much as they should?

* In case you're wondering, I don't feel the least bit hypocritical about enjoying that beat-down, despite having endlessly whined about the excessive violence on this show.  That's what's nice about being an anonymous online commentator without a soul.

General Hospital Week in Review

This show is still boring me.  But I've come to the realization that despite that, the blog must go on.  Plus Maxie had a super cute outfit this week that I had to preserve in screencap form.  So the official Week in Review returns.

The truly moving story of Will the Hitman Recover the Use of His Hands in Time to Kill Again and Sleep With the Woman Who He Isn't Supposed To Be Sleeping With Because As His Babymama She and His Kid Are In Danger From the Job He Is So Desperate to Get Back? continues. 

Ugh.  At least the visual of the oven mitts of gauze is entertaining.

I call this:  I CAN HAZ GUN?

(I also loved Sonny's pissy little rant about how dare Jason get injured, and maybe "this is just an excuse" not to do his Really Important job.  Yes, that gauze does look psychosomatic to me.  Although I would welcome the twist that Jason is faking all this because it's the only way he can break up with Sonny.)

Mike's amazement at Marianna's mad waitressing skillz was...entertaining.

Mike: I don't know who you are, but that was amazing.  And you did it all with a smile!

Yeah man, when she picked up those two plates, at two separate times, and then poured coffee?  IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.  How DOES she do it?  One day I hope to be able to transfer liquid from one container to another without scowling.  I dream big!

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

Sweeps went out with a bit of whimper on Days last week, but it was still some pretty good soap.  In a week of overall non-outrageousness, though, there were some outrageous happenings.

How outrageously excessive has Deidre Hall's 2008 screentime been? Enough with Marlena-palooza!  If I have to sit through another week with Marlena on every day, my soul might react thusly:

But whatever.  They're back in Salem, so Marlena can't possibly be on every damned day anymore, right? 

I was all prepared to be extra-traumatized this week by a John and Marlena sex scene (I occasionally read my Soap Opera Digest, you know!), but it turned out it was just them making out a little bit.  Regular readers know I have been traumatized on the regular by these two getting it on, but somehow with the cheesy soundtrack covering up any overly dramatic moaning, and the absolute non-smurfiness of John's mad woo-ing skills made it okay this time.  I mean, this was freaking hilarious:

Marlena: ...You're not here.
John: Well, maybe my mind isn't.  But my body sure as hell is.  So just take what you can get.

Hee.  Are you swooning yet, Doc?

And then, when she decided to take what she could get, right before they got down to business, this:

John: Brace yourself.

Haaa!  Robotic dickhead John never ceases to amuse.  (Marlena did later use my most despised soap phrase, "making love," but I can't rant about that without access to lots of alcohol.  I am, seriously, physically revolted by that phrase.)

Anyway, "Brace yourself" is the new "You complete me."  You heard it here first.

Victoria Victorious

Genoa City was home to a miracle to end all miracles yesterday, when Victoria Newman came out of her paper mache caused coma, ending months of awkward, fabricated stories being told to her unconscious form. Don't let her blank stare, JT's confused "...who?" expression or Nikki's half-hearted tears fool you, it was actually good news.

Especially when one considers that her family abandoned all hope of modern medicine aiding her recovery in any way. Her room was filled with lots of official medical apparatuses, but...she wasn't actually hooked up to any of them. They were like four feet away from her.

It's as if they just said to themselves (and I would not fault them for doing so), "Well, she's been in a coma for months after being beaned in the head with a ball of Styrofoam. If she hasn't recovered now, she's not going to, so why are we even bothering?"

So that happened.

I feel like I was supposed to be supremely affected by the entire thing, but I wasn't. And let me tell you something, there are few people in the world who get teary eyed more easily than me. So the fact that this late-January miracle left me cold says volumes about how anti-climactic it was. There are three possibilities:

• It was kind of lame that she got out of the coma as quickly as she went into it and that after a couple of minutes of discombobulation she was fine.
• Amelia Heinle, lovely though she may be, just does not work as Victoria and reads as some random character who doesn't know how to apply lipstick properly. There's no there there. She's so bland, which Victora Effing Newman never should be. 
• In the interest of fairness, it's entirely possible that I've become dead inside, a predicament that I will no doubt try to blame on Lynn Marie Latham, Jill Farren Phelps or a combination of the two.

Or maybe I was just distracted by the fact that the entire episode was Cleavage on Parade...

Poor Maxie

Poor Maxie Jones.  She's had such a tough life.  Now this.

A bit of background:  Maxie needed a heart transplant early in her young life, and only got one because her beloved cousin was tragically killed.  Then her father abandoned her, and her mom soon followed.  She was invisible for a few years, then went through a pretty radical facial transformation.  Her police officer boyfriend was murdered.  She took up with another police officer (this one super-hot but married), and after helping to keep him doped up and unfaithful, became pretty much the town skank.  (Or at least that of the 18-22 age range.)  She was generally unlikeable.  She went through an unfortunate hair stage.  She miscarried a pillow.  She got yet another gorgeous new police officer boyfriend, but things got rough when he found out she had slept with his former best friend.  She got an infection in her cousin's heart, or something, and flatlined about 87 times.  At some point she became sassy and awesomely bitchy, but then her sister was murdered.  Then she was nearly strangled to death.  Then her estranged mother came back into town, acting like a whackadoo and necessitating an epic verbal bitchslap, in the unfortunately chosen venue of her sister's funeral.  And finally, we all know what most recent tragic event befell poor Maxie Jones.

That's right.  She revealed herself to be the owner of THREE BABUSHKAS.

I'm perplexed too, Maxie dear.  When you previously wore not one but two different babushkas, Mallory provided some helpful advice that apparently went unheeded.  Why don't you listen?!  Is it because you're fictional?

I know sweetie, it's an absolute tragedy. 

Oh, and bummer about your uber-hottie of a boyfriend being both dead and either having 1) been a serial killer who then killed himself, or 2) been a victim of the serial killer who also murdered your sister.  Maybe I'll give you a pass on the hat.

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

A Tragic End

It spawned a million Google searches.  It almost single-handedly buoyed our spirits during dark times (i.e., approximately 37 minutes of GH airtime a day).  Sure, it had started to change a bit, lose a bit of its sparkle and look a bit long in the tooth, but we nonetheless held out hope.  It would survive.

But we were wrong.  Why are we not accustomed by now to General Hospital stomping all over our soap-viewing hearts?  That's right:  According to today's preview of tomorrow's episode, the Kate Howard Bob is dead.

We tried to make it know how many people loved it.  We shared our love of it with friends, family, strangers, and hairdressers.  We wrote about it as if it were a James Scott/Jason Thompson human hybrid.  We  had high hopes that it might cure cancer.  Yet it met a tragic fate, long before its time.  It still had so much to give.  It was timeless, professional, and inspiring.  RIP, Kate Howard/Megan Ward Bob.  RIP. 

Days of Our Lives Couple of Weeks in Review

I have been a bad Days blogger.  I know this.  John Black returned from the dead, and you got nothing.  Not a single post.  More than a week went by, still nothing.  I have no excuse, other than that I was totally consumed by dealing with personal trauma perpetuated by Balenciaga, writing preemptive obituaries for beleaguered pop stars, and trying to uncover the reason for my unhealthy addiction to boots.  But I will try to make up for it in the coming weeks.

So, yeah, turns out John wasn't really so much with the deadness.  Which, given the significance of such a return, was actually kind of anti-climactic, don't you think?  Over the span of a couple of weeks it was:  weird patient in Rolf's lab ---> strange figure in alley near Marlena ---> patient and strange figure are both John and EJ finds out he's alive!

Meh.

I did like that EJ was the one who discovered John

and that he got to be a little heroic by telling Marlena and her posse about him.  But then didn't it seem like only five minutes passed before Marlena and John were reunited? 

Stefano couldn't have outsmarted them at least once?  Where is my slow-burn soapiness?!

Anyway, UndeadJohn (with his bizarre, inexplicably hilarious hair) was, of course, being brainwashed by Stefano.  But brainwashing has come a long way since the rickety cages of the 80s!

That is the strangest set dressing ever.  It's like the club from Queer as Folk crossed with the bridge from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

General Hospital Week in Review

The General Hospital powers-that-be may not feel the need to shake things up and do something different (you know, like not suck), but that doesn't mean we have to fall into the same trap.  So I'm trying something new with this week's Week in Review.  (Preview:  There's even audience participation!)  Please be supportive, dear readers.  I have to sit through every episode of GH without fast-forwarding because of this blog and our SOD column, and I don't get hazard pay or anything.

Most annoying thing on GH last week?

♦  The ridiculous, stereotypical, caricature-ridden version of Kate's Manhattan that the writers keep forcing on the viewing audience, an audience that presumably contains people who live in or who have visited New York City and therefore know this show is complete crap.  (In fairness, practically everyone knows this show is complete crap, but those with actual New York experiences have extra reason to think so lately.)

♦  Robin and Patrick ringing in the new year by having a patient die on their operating table and then "toasting" with champagne in plastic glasses on the floor of the hospital.

♦  Jason bailing on Liz on New Year's Eve to do work (reminder: which involves killing people for money), leaving her alone in that stupid safe house with her painter's block.

♦  Sonny getting arrested, as if anyone who has watched this show since the mid-90s actually thinks Sonny is going to go to jail at all, much less for being a dickhead in an art gallery in Cartoon Manhattan.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

I continue to be challenged to come up with entertaining (by which I mean hypercritical and bitchy, as always) recaps of Days lately, because it's getting so good!  It's in some kind of inverse relationship with General Hospital, apparently. 

Anyway, let's dive right in.  The big reveal this week was Belle's infidelity.  Pop quiz:  This is the appropriate reaction of a man when his newlywed wife has just told him that

a.  the Brady Pub is out of clam chowder
b.  his TiVo is on the fritz
c.  she went a little crazy with the credit cards at the after-Christmas sales
d.  she cheated on him with her ex-husband (who is also the current husband's uncle and arguably the guy he hates most in the world)

If you're Shawn Douglas Brady, of course, the answer is d.  Freak.  It's a good thing that guy is so good-looking.

The War on Brunettes

I think we've all made bad hair decisions. Mallory was once briefly a redhead, a tragic decision that still haunts her.  For my 30th birthday, I decided to get highlights for the first time ever.   I had no idea what to ask for, so I said to the colorist, whom I had never met before, at a random spa:  "Just do whatever you think will look best.  I trust you!"

Right.  You can see where this is going.  It was a disaster.  "Don't look at me!  I'm hideous!"  Anyway, all that's to say that we all make hair mistakes.  Lately, I've felt bad for a couple of actresses on GH, because their hair-don'ts are plastered all over the airwaves nationwide.  But there's a silver lining to this: I think there's a way we can blame GH! (Coming soon: How we can blame GH for global warming, and pigeon overpopulation.)

I just don't think it's possible that all of these actresses independently made similarly horrible decisions -- the GH showrunners must be behind this obvious war on brunettes. 

We've been complaining for a while now about what the spectacularly beautiful Rebecca Herbst has done to her formerly gorgeous dark hair. It used to be that when GH got truly awful (you know, for about 4.5 hours every week), I could rely on her dark, shiny, perfectly styled hair to inspire me to greatness, pulling me out of my soapy doldrums. No longer.

Don't try to sway me with fabulous bitchface, missy.  That hair is awful.

Sure, call your friends.  But if they haven't helped you before now, they don't really love you.  They're not good people.  Do they perhaps kill human beings for a living?

I'd be blue too, Becky/Liz.  That is just the saddest ponytail ever.  There's just so much wrongness.  The roots, the highlights, the high bangs . . . it's like every bad early-90s hair trend on one poor defenseless head all at once.

And the bad-hair-edness doesn't end there.

General Hospital Week in Review

Here's my introduction to the Week in Review:  I hate this show.

I adore Alexis, and Diane has her moments of awesomeness, so of course the writers have to make them suck.

Their professional rivalry is just so over-the-top and ridiculous. Please promise me that if you ever see me react this way to a colleague getting a new client

or accept shoes in lieu of payment for professional services

or end a business meeting with a pout

that you will take me out back and beat some sense into me (without scuffing my shoes, which would of course be fabulous, and had been paid for with cash).

Now that they've torn down Kate, made Diane a caricature, given Robin the baby rabies, and continue their commitment to painting Alexis as the unlovable bitch, can we just get a final verdict from the soap judges on high that General Hospital is incapable of having any strong professional women characters?

I hate this show.

General Hospital Week in Review

I think most of this week's GH didn't suck, you guys.  That's the nicest thing I've been able to say about this show in a while.  I think it helps that the characters weren't spending a fifth week on Halloween night.  That stupid, redundant, plot-hole-ridden sweeps event being over would have been cause enough for celebration, but then there was a stellar episode, some decent ones following it, and a downright eeee!-worthy moment to cap off the week.  But for you, I tried really hard to be hypercritical and pick even the good shows apart.  I'm really giving of my time in that way.

Elizabeth's eulogy for her best friend Emily was mostly lovely, and I especially liked the several nods to history, but a couple of parts confused me.

Liz: Epiphany, Emily was especially fond of you. . . . She was always so appreciative of your sage advice, and your belief in her future as a doctor.

Epiphany garnered a mention?  Really?

Sometimes I think everything nonsensical associated with Epiphany is just Bob Guza trying to exact revenge on Mallory.

Liz:  There is someone else I would like to mention:  Jason.  He owned a unique place in Emily's heart.  A place reserved only for him.  He wasn't just her brother, he was her hero. Jason couldn't be here today, but I couldn't talk about Emily and not say his name.

Oh for god's sake.  Under this writing team, nobody can talk about laundry and not say Jason's name.  Or Chinese food.  Or algebra.

I'm So Thankful For GH and Days

Okay, that title is a little misleading.  It should have read [Dude,] I'm So Thankful For Certain Aspects of Some Facets of GH and Days, Which Unfortunately Rarely Co-Exist in Any Given Episode and Most of Which Involve How Hot the Men Are.  But I thought it was a bit wordy. 

Certain aspects of some facets of General Hospital and Days of Our Lives for which I am thankful include:

• I get to look at James Scott on an almost daily basis
• I've been exposed to almost no monkey-based viruses
• despite having many generations of Irish relatives, few appear in ghost form to berate me for my life choices
• due to the writers' strike Bob Guza might not have the opportunity to inflict his "craft" on audiences for an extended period of time
• Jason Thompson's hotness
• I have relatively few ex-boyfriends who are mobbed up
• I am virtually assured never to be involved in a "who's the daddy?" scenario (having escaped the summer of 1997 unscathed)
• someone Googled "what the fuck is going on with general hospital november sweeps" and Google led that wise soul to Serial Drama
• I have better hair and a more tasteful wardrobe than at least a handful of Days and GH characters
• I, unlike several actors on the shows that I watch, can still express emotion with my facial muscles
• the Days supercouples of my youth are back, front and center, and still look fantastic
• I've never had to have emergency surgery that involves fishing line
• the police where I live are considerably more capable than the Salem and Port Charles PDs combined
• I rarely attend formal events that end in bloodshed
• the vendettas being pursued against my family involve only board games
• my hitman/babydaddy/confidant has really great hair
  
• even though I'm in my early 30s, I have fewer than a half-dozen marriages to my name
• I didn't mar my spectacular good looks by getting such an obvious boob job that dozens of people everyday are Googling my name and "boob job" (my boob job is fantastic and subtle)
• most of the time I am really clear on the concept that people who kill other people for a living are bad, and not sexy, and not a good moral center for a soap opera
• I've never dated my cousin or uncle
• my employers are unlikely to ever replace me with a broomstick and a wig

Any soap-related thanks you'd like to give?  Head to the comments.

And Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Fabulous or Hideous?

It's not featured very prominently, so you may have missed that Nikolas is having a Black and White Ball.  And shockingly, a storm is literally and figuratively brewing!  But ignore the nefarious goings-on -- particularly if you've ever watched General Hospital during sweeps before, because then you've already seen them -- and focus on the fashion.  Focus, vote, dish, weep -- and please excuse the fact that because they're screencaps and not posed, we don't have good shots of all the gowns. 

Can Hair and Makeup Go On Strike Too?

I know General Hospital likes to "go big" during sweeps, but my god, I've never seen a more concentrated collection of huge hair -- and I went to formals in the 80s, and have been to New Jersey.

Carly's is huge and tacky, but it's not entirely out of character.

It's not like she's otherwise the picture of fashionable refinement, so I could have lived with it if it were just her.

But it was EVERYONE!  Honestly, it was like GH had a side-deal with Aqua-Net and Falls-apalooza (coming to a strip mall near you!).

Poor, poor Robin.  She broke up with the formerly uber-hot Patrick, lost her damn mind and started running around asking every guy she knows and the pretzel vendor on the corner for sperm, and now this.

The bun is larger than her entire head, and is that a spit-curl?!

A Cunning Plan?

This is the hair of General Hospital's most popular leading man:

And this is the outfit of General Hospital's most fashionable character:

Is the goal to make the writing look stellar by comparison?

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

This will be a short wrap-up this week, both because there was very little forward story-movement, and because what there was was decent and not really mockable.  Damn you, improved Days of Our Lives writing!  I'm sure I can find a couple of things to make fun of, though.  I usually can if I put enough energy into it.

Stop me if this sounds familiar.  This week, Sami was angry.

Then she got into a ridiculous predicament with EJ.

Also, she and Lucas fought.

It's getting to the point where the only way I can distinguish Sami week-to-week is by whatever awful maternity dress they force Allison Sweeney and her not-even-trying-to-be-realistic pregnancy pillow into.

The writers did have the decency this time around to acknowledge some degree of repetition: 

Sami:  ...I keep getting in these ridiculous life-threatening situations with EJ!

But perhaps they could just write something new, instead?  Like, maybe Sami gets angry, and then gets into a ridiculous life-threatening situation with EJ that requires him to be nearly naked, and then she and Lucas fight about the fact that she has posted her hair-care regimen on large posters all over their apartment (which are easily readable by, say, the average soap opera viewer).  I'm just saying, there are all kinds of directions to go in.

BREAKING NEWS!  There exists at least one screencap on the interwebs in which James Scott does not look gorgeous!

But I'm reasonably certain it's just the one.

Yeah, it was a total anomaly.  Thank goodness.

General Hospital Week in Review

Oh show, why do you suck so?

How boring is General Hospital right now?  Why, with this cast and history, isn't this the best soap on daytime?  Oh, right, the writing.  I bet you wouldn't think that if you could watch the show on your Blackberry, though!

Let's start off with the dumbest thing that happened this week, the clunky attempt to integrate Night Shift storylines back into OG GH.  I thought Night Shift was supposed to have stand-alone episodes?  I thought it was supposed to be an "alternate universe" that wouldn't cross over to regular GH?  I thought the showrunners had decided it wasn't possible to integrate the two shows?  And most importantly, I thought we were rid of this horribly crappy spin-off?!

Friday's episode would have made no sense to someone who didn't watch Night Shift, right?  And the majority of General Hospital viewers actually didn't watch Night Shift, right?  How would someone who only subjects themselves to regular GH have known (or cared):

• why Cody was in jail?
• why Dr. Julian is limping?
• what Epiphany is talking about re: exploding ambulances, pulling plugs, switching meds, and shoot-outs?
• why Kelly was freaking out about a couple of teenagers being schmoopy, or why she's in sex addition therapy
• that Andy has a drug addiction?
• why Jolene is the "angel of death" or how she got shot?

And on Night Shift, Leyla and Patrick have been sleeping together for weeks and Robin knows it, but on GH it's big news that they're going on a date, and Robin is upset about it?  Plus:

Leyla to Robin:  [Y]ou don’t get to belittle me just because your boyfriend broke up with you.

What?  Didn't I see GH Robin break up with GH Patrick, not the other way around? 

Liz: How happy are you to be done with night shift duty?
Robin:  Let me count the ways.  Unfortunately, the after effects still linger.

How deliciously meta.

I would have preferred a Dirty-Dancing-esque, "This is my dance space, this is your dance space" approach to the two shows.  I call foul on the spaghetti arms!  And I am totally okay with putting Night Shift in a corner.  Uh, this comparison is getting away from me, so let me just sum up by saying that say what you will about GH, it is perfectly capable of not living up to its potential without an assist from another, even more disappointing, soap.

This week, a DNA test confirmed that Scott is Logan's father.

Well knock me over with a feather.

Despite fantastic casting, the writers managed to drain this reveal of any drama whatsoever by speeding through the paternity issue at the same breakneck speed they did Logan and Lulu's "relationship."  So...meh.  It was good to see Kin Shriner, and nice to hear Scott finally mention Serena, but there had better be a new and interesting twist to this storyline, soon.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

You guys, I'm hanging in, but the recent awesomeness of Days is rapidly disappearing.  What's going on?  I thought the backstage changes were going to start kicking things into high gear and the show would realize its potential in time to spike good ratings and avoid cancellation.  But . . . nothing much of anything is going on.  Even the summer's biggest reveal is kind of happening with a whimper.  I'm worried the show really is on its last legs.  It's all very depressing.  Not on par with, say, Darfur, or how badly the Baldwin brothers are aging, but depressing nonetheless.

Talk about depressing:  Oh my god, they killed Benji!

I know he'd only been around for a little while this time, but I remember the character of Benji from when Steve and Kayla found him on their honeymoon (which I had a relative secretly tape while I was at horse camp).  His murder makes sense for the story, and gave Stephen Nichols yet another opportunity to shine

but man, I need an uplifting story on this show, soon.

(I also need Stephen Nichols to cut his hair.)

Is the hair and makeup department just totally over the Colleen/Santo storyline?  Because they aren't even trying anymore. 

You can see the wig line and glue on her forehead!  And those eyebrows.  Those are scarier than that Irish cliff.

And I love that they finally realized the guy they cast as Colleen's dad is about 20 years too young, so they just went to the local Halloween store and got some spray-on gray.

It's as authentic as the accents!