Serial Drama

Poor Maxie

Poor Maxie Jones.  She's had such a tough life.  Now this.

A bit of background:  Maxie needed a heart transplant early in her young life, and only got one because her beloved cousin was tragically killed.  Then her father abandoned her, and her mom soon followed.  She was invisible for a few years, then went through a pretty radical facial transformation.  Her police officer boyfriend was murdered.  She took up with another police officer (this one super-hot but married), and after helping to keep him doped up and unfaithful, became pretty much the town skank.  (Or at least that of the 18-22 age range.)  She was generally unlikeable.  She went through an unfortunate hair stage.  She miscarried a pillow.  She got yet another gorgeous new police officer boyfriend, but things got rough when he found out she had slept with his former best friend.  She got an infection in her cousin's heart, or something, and flatlined about 87 times.  At some point she became sassy and awesomely bitchy, but then her sister was murdered.  Then she was nearly strangled to death.  Then her estranged mother came back into town, acting like a whackadoo and necessitating an epic verbal bitchslap, in the unfortunately chosen venue of her sister's funeral.  And finally, we all know what most recent tragic event befell poor Maxie Jones.

That's right.  She revealed herself to be the owner of THREE BABUSHKAS.

I'm perplexed too, Maxie dear.  When you previously wore not one but two different babushkas, Mallory provided some helpful advice that apparently went unheeded.  Why don't you listen?!  Is it because you're fictional?

I know sweetie, it's an absolute tragedy. 

Oh, and bummer about your uber-hottie of a boyfriend being both dead and either having 1) been a serial killer who then killed himself, or 2) been a victim of the serial killer who also murdered your sister.  Maybe I'll give you a pass on the hat.

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

A Tragic End

It spawned a million Google searches.  It almost single-handedly buoyed our spirits during dark times (i.e., approximately 37 minutes of GH airtime a day).  Sure, it had started to change a bit, lose a bit of its sparkle and look a bit long in the tooth, but we nonetheless held out hope.  It would survive.

But we were wrong.  Why are we not accustomed by now to General Hospital stomping all over our soap-viewing hearts?  That's right:  According to today's preview of tomorrow's episode, the Kate Howard Bob is dead.

We tried to make it know how many people loved it.  We shared our love of it with friends, family, strangers, and hairdressers.  We wrote about it as if it were a James Scott/Jason Thompson human hybrid.  We  had high hopes that it might cure cancer.  Yet it met a tragic fate, long before its time.  It still had so much to give.  It was timeless, professional, and inspiring.  RIP, Kate Howard/Megan Ward Bob.  RIP. 

Days of Our Lives Couple of Weeks in Review

I have been a bad Days blogger.  I know this.  John Black returned from the dead, and you got nothing.  Not a single post.  More than a week went by, still nothing.  I have no excuse, other than that I was totally consumed by dealing with personal trauma perpetuated by Balenciaga, writing preemptive obituaries for beleaguered pop stars, and trying to uncover the reason for my unhealthy addiction to boots.  But I will try to make up for it in the coming weeks.

So, yeah, turns out John wasn't really so much with the deadness.  Which, given the significance of such a return, was actually kind of anti-climactic, don't you think?  Over the span of a couple of weeks it was:  weird patient in Rolf's lab ---> strange figure in alley near Marlena ---> patient and strange figure are both John and EJ finds out he's alive!

Meh.

I did like that EJ was the one who discovered John

and that he got to be a little heroic by telling Marlena and her posse about him.  But then didn't it seem like only five minutes passed before Marlena and John were reunited? 

Stefano couldn't have outsmarted them at least once?  Where is my slow-burn soapiness?!

Anyway, UndeadJohn (with his bizarre, inexplicably hilarious hair) was, of course, being brainwashed by Stefano.  But brainwashing has come a long way since the rickety cages of the 80s!

That is the strangest set dressing ever.  It's like the club from Queer as Folk crossed with the bridge from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

General Hospital Week in Review

The General Hospital powers-that-be may not feel the need to shake things up and do something different (you know, like not suck), but that doesn't mean we have to fall into the same trap.  So I'm trying something new with this week's Week in Review.  (Preview:  There's even audience participation!)  Please be supportive, dear readers.  I have to sit through every episode of GH without fast-forwarding because of this blog and our SOD column, and I don't get hazard pay or anything.

Most annoying thing on GH last week?

♦  The ridiculous, stereotypical, caricature-ridden version of Kate's Manhattan that the writers keep forcing on the viewing audience, an audience that presumably contains people who live in or who have visited New York City and therefore know this show is complete crap.  (In fairness, practically everyone knows this show is complete crap, but those with actual New York experiences have extra reason to think so lately.)

♦  Robin and Patrick ringing in the new year by having a patient die on their operating table and then "toasting" with champagne in plastic glasses on the floor of the hospital.

♦  Jason bailing on Liz on New Year's Eve to do work (reminder: which involves killing people for money), leaving her alone in that stupid safe house with her painter's block.

♦  Sonny getting arrested, as if anyone who has watched this show since the mid-90s actually thinks Sonny is going to go to jail at all, much less for being a dickhead in an art gallery in Cartoon Manhattan.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

I continue to be challenged to come up with entertaining (by which I mean hypercritical and bitchy, as always) recaps of Days lately, because it's getting so good!  It's in some kind of inverse relationship with General Hospital, apparently. 

Anyway, let's dive right in.  The big reveal this week was Belle's infidelity.  Pop quiz:  This is the appropriate reaction of a man when his newlywed wife has just told him that

a.  the Brady Pub is out of clam chowder
b.  his TiVo is on the fritz
c.  she went a little crazy with the credit cards at the after-Christmas sales
d.  she cheated on him with her ex-husband (who is also the current husband's uncle and arguably the guy he hates most in the world)

If you're Shawn Douglas Brady, of course, the answer is d.  Freak.  It's a good thing that guy is so good-looking.

The War on Brunettes

I think we've all made bad hair decisions. Mallory was once briefly a redhead, a tragic decision that still haunts her.  For my 30th birthday, I decided to get highlights for the first time ever.   I had no idea what to ask for, so I said to the colorist, whom I had never met before, at a random spa:  "Just do whatever you think will look best.  I trust you!"

Right.  You can see where this is going.  It was a disaster.  "Don't look at me!  I'm hideous!"  Anyway, all that's to say that we all make hair mistakes.  Lately, I've felt bad for a couple of actresses on GH, because their hair-don'ts are plastered all over the airwaves nationwide.  But there's a silver lining to this: I think there's a way we can blame GH! (Coming soon: How we can blame GH for global warming, and pigeon overpopulation.)

I just don't think it's possible that all of these actresses independently made similarly horrible decisions -- the GH showrunners must be behind this obvious war on brunettes. 

We've been complaining for a while now about what the spectacularly beautiful Rebecca Herbst has done to her formerly gorgeous dark hair. It used to be that when GH got truly awful (you know, for about 4.5 hours every week), I could rely on her dark, shiny, perfectly styled hair to inspire me to greatness, pulling me out of my soapy doldrums. No longer.

Don't try to sway me with fabulous bitchface, missy.  That hair is awful.

Sure, call your friends.  But if they haven't helped you before now, they don't really love you.  They're not good people.  Do they perhaps kill human beings for a living?

I'd be blue too, Becky/Liz.  That is just the saddest ponytail ever.  There's just so much wrongness.  The roots, the highlights, the high bangs . . . it's like every bad early-90s hair trend on one poor defenseless head all at once.

And the bad-hair-edness doesn't end there.

General Hospital Week in Review

Here's my introduction to the Week in Review:  I hate this show.

I adore Alexis, and Diane has her moments of awesomeness, so of course the writers have to make them suck.

Their professional rivalry is just so over-the-top and ridiculous. Please promise me that if you ever see me react this way to a colleague getting a new client

or accept shoes in lieu of payment for professional services

or end a business meeting with a pout

that you will take me out back and beat some sense into me (without scuffing my shoes, which would of course be fabulous, and had been paid for with cash).

Now that they've torn down Kate, made Diane a caricature, given Robin the baby rabies, and continue their commitment to painting Alexis as the unlovable bitch, can we just get a final verdict from the soap judges on high that General Hospital is incapable of having any strong professional women characters?

I hate this show.

General Hospital Week in Review

I think most of this week's GH didn't suck, you guys.  That's the nicest thing I've been able to say about this show in a while.  I think it helps that the characters weren't spending a fifth week on Halloween night.  That stupid, redundant, plot-hole-ridden sweeps event being over would have been cause enough for celebration, but then there was a stellar episode, some decent ones following it, and a downright eeee!-worthy moment to cap off the week.  But for you, I tried really hard to be hypercritical and pick even the good shows apart.  I'm really giving of my time in that way.

Elizabeth's eulogy for her best friend Emily was mostly lovely, and I especially liked the several nods to history, but a couple of parts confused me.

Liz: Epiphany, Emily was especially fond of you. . . . She was always so appreciative of your sage advice, and your belief in her future as a doctor.

Epiphany garnered a mention?  Really?

Sometimes I think everything nonsensical associated with Epiphany is just Bob Guza trying to exact revenge on Mallory.

Liz:  There is someone else I would like to mention:  Jason.  He owned a unique place in Emily's heart.  A place reserved only for him.  He wasn't just her brother, he was her hero. Jason couldn't be here today, but I couldn't talk about Emily and not say his name.

Oh for god's sake.  Under this writing team, nobody can talk about laundry and not say Jason's name.  Or Chinese food.  Or algebra.

I'm So Thankful For GH and Days

Okay, that title is a little misleading.  It should have read [Dude,] I'm So Thankful For Certain Aspects of Some Facets of GH and Days, Which Unfortunately Rarely Co-Exist in Any Given Episode and Most of Which Involve How Hot the Men Are.  But I thought it was a bit wordy. 

Certain aspects of some facets of General Hospital and Days of Our Lives for which I am thankful include:

• I get to look at James Scott on an almost daily basis
• I've been exposed to almost no monkey-based viruses
• despite having many generations of Irish relatives, few appear in ghost form to berate me for my life choices
• due to the writers' strike Bob Guza might not have the opportunity to inflict his "craft" on audiences for an extended period of time
• Jason Thompson's hotness
• I have relatively few ex-boyfriends who are mobbed up
• I am virtually assured never to be involved in a "who's the daddy?" scenario (having escaped the summer of 1997 unscathed)
• someone Googled "what the fuck is going on with general hospital november sweeps" and Google led that wise soul to Serial Drama
• I have better hair and a more tasteful wardrobe than at least a handful of Days and GH characters
• I, unlike several actors on the shows that I watch, can still express emotion with my facial muscles
• the Days supercouples of my youth are back, front and center, and still look fantastic
• I've never had to have emergency surgery that involves fishing line
• the police where I live are considerably more capable than the Salem and Port Charles PDs combined
• I rarely attend formal events that end in bloodshed
• the vendettas being pursued against my family involve only board games
• my hitman/babydaddy/confidant has really great hair
  
• even though I'm in my early 30s, I have fewer than a half-dozen marriages to my name
• I didn't mar my spectacular good looks by getting such an obvious boob job that dozens of people everyday are Googling my name and "boob job" (my boob job is fantastic and subtle)
• most of the time I am really clear on the concept that people who kill other people for a living are bad, and not sexy, and not a good moral center for a soap opera
• I've never dated my cousin or uncle
• my employers are unlikely to ever replace me with a broomstick and a wig

Any soap-related thanks you'd like to give?  Head to the comments.

And Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Fabulous or Hideous?

It's not featured very prominently, so you may have missed that Nikolas is having a Black and White Ball.  And shockingly, a storm is literally and figuratively brewing!  But ignore the nefarious goings-on -- particularly if you've ever watched General Hospital during sweeps before, because then you've already seen them -- and focus on the fashion.  Focus, vote, dish, weep -- and please excuse the fact that because they're screencaps and not posed, we don't have good shots of all the gowns.