There was a heavy sigh. "Dear Journal, I was a little concerned about this murder mystery, because I didn't want to have to involve the police, unless it came time for an officer to be murdered in a shoot out. But who could do the investigating? Well, can I just say that I'm brilliant? Robin and Paxton can investigate. They're doctors! If doctors can get special license plates and good parking spaces, the least they can do is solve crimes in their spare time. Dear Journal, There was a karaoke episode on yesterday and like five people high fived me because we used the song from the ads for Sandals resorts. Those commercials are great. Dear Journal, Sarah Brown came to me AGAIN with questions about Claudia. Is it just me, or shouldn't she have a handle on the character by now? Dear Journal, I think it would be cool if Nikolas and Elizabeth got together. I just need to think of a way for that to happen. Dear Journal, Never mind, I'm just going to come up with a reason later. Dear Journal, Maxie and Spinelli are engaged. Someone asked me how a marriage can survive when one party is filled with obsessive puppy love and the other accepted the proposal out of spite. I ignored them. Dear Journal, Isn't it clever at one of Sonny's children was responsible for the death of another of Sonny's children but ANOTHER of Sonny's children is taking the falll? Dear Journal, Sam is never more likable than she is when she's being sexually menaced.
Dear Journal, It's time for another social issues story. This time, a tiny teenager is being abused by her boyfriend, and he's also violent towards children. Dear Journal, That bitch ghost-" she glared at him in an accusatory manner--"asked me this morning how many different ways I can say slut, and I thought that was an interesting challenge, so today, when Nik confronted Rebecca, I came up with some new ways. Hopefully they catch on! I would have had more, but some were rejected by the censors. And Natalia Livingston was fantastic. I bet today's the day when everybody realized that Rebecca is a much better character than Emily ever was. Dear Journal, I am loving this subtle, slow-burn Dante story. I bet the audience thinks it's incredibly clever. Dear Journal, Has there ever been a stronger female character than Claudia?! I bet the women in the audience find her so inspiring.
"Oh, this must be from the day of the Emmys, because the page just says FUCK THE HATERS! ALL Y'ALL JEALOUS. Moving on..."
Dear Journal, The carnival is about to start, and what the people watching probably don't understand is how difficult it is to finesse the situation so that all of the characters are there at once, but I think we did a really great job at getting all of the characters in one space. Dear Journal, My usual plan during sweeps is to kill a Quartermaine off, but this time, I turned the whole thing on its head and had a Quartermaine DO the killing. I bet nobody saw that one coming! This kind of shocking story is what soaps are made of. Dear Journal, Tyler Christopher has been doing some of the best work of his career with Nikolas's love for Elizabeth and the cunning plan he has for revenge on that terrible Rebecca. I've been having so much fun writing this complex, villainous scheme for him. All he has to do is pretend that he loves Rebecca and then turn around and tell her he doesn't really. She'll never see it coming!
Dear Journal, Rebecca Herbst asked me today why Elizabeth would sleep with Nikolas and then accept Lucky's proposal. I told her that she's not a very good actress if she couldn't figure that one out. She seemed offended, but come on, she's been playing Elizabeth for a million years and I'm supposed to believe that she doesn't get her motivations? Yeah, right. And the answer is obvious--what woman wouldn't want to have sex with a prince and then go humiliate some doofy cop in the worst possible way? Dear Journal, People really liked Spinelli and Maxie's wedding. I didn't write that episode, but I've been taking credit for it because, as team leader, I feel like my example lead whoever did write it to write it so well. I personally would have included some more gunfire and probably less of the Scorpios, but the other writers don't have my skill and vision. I'm sure they'll do better next time.
Dear Journal, Finally, Jonathan Jackson is backand we can make Lucky Spencer into a character who isn't a total loser. I'm trying to think of a way to get him out of the PCPD--maybe he goes crazy and starts shooting people, which catches Sonny's eye and Sonny offers him a job? That could be good. Dear Journal, that actor James Franco asked to be on the show. He's obviously heard that I write the most psychologically complex daytime drama and wanted to work with me firsthand. He asked if he could be an artist, and I told him he could be, but wouldn't it be better if the artist was obsessed with Jason, and also murder? Dear Journal, Why do people like the karaoke episodes so much? I find them sort of depressing with all of that singing and smiling.
Dear Journal, I have to look up what states incest is legal in, because Johnny and Claudia could be an even better couple than Sonny and Claudia. Dear Journal, There's this show called American Idol, and one of the people on it sings a song about the world being crazy. Isn't that deep? Dear Journal, Someone asked me how all of Devlin's things stayed intact after the fire at General Hospital and I didn't have an answer, so I just fired him. Dear Journal, Everybody important (Jason) knows that Claudia got Michael shot, but Claudia doesn't know and is all excited about her birthday party. It's hilarious because this will be her last birthday! Dear Journal, I can never remember if Puerto Rico is a city or a continent, or what it's famous for. Isn't someone from there?
"Did you manage to--" she began to ask. "Never mind."
"Dear Journal, I bet nobody anticipated Claudia going crazy and kidnapping Carly! And how great has Mo been? He's been so quiet, graceful and understated. This is why he's the leading man of all of daytime. I must have watched the scene where he called Claudia every name in the book like, ten or twenty times, it was that good. Dear Journal, Ding dong the whore is dead! Yes, and MICHAEL is the one who killed her. What a fantastic twist, right? I still have goosebumps. Michael's a murderer. Full circle. Dear Journal, The greatest thing about Carly is how smart she is and how much she gets it. She's the only one who realizes that the person most responsible for Michael getting shot is Jax. Dear Journal, I need a new TV because my old one melted from how scorching hot Nikolas and Liz are together, LOL. Dear Journal, James Franco's not that bad an actor. I mean, he's no Steve or Mo, but he's okay. Speaking of Steve, how great was he when he didn't know if he should kill the homeless guy? The inner conflict he felt, the pain and the worry--he hit all of it. You didn't even need to hear him speak to understand the scenes. I mean, I watched them on mute and I got the full gist of it. Dear Journal, Lucky called Liz a whore and threw money at her. It was only a dream sequence, but it's also foreshadowing for what's to come. I mean, she IS a whore, right? I'm excited that one day I'll be able to write real Lucky like dream sequence Lucky, calling sluts whores, and shooting people. What's not to love?"
There was a period of uncomfortable silence.
"See," Guza said happily. "You don't even have anything to say. There's nothing to not love."
With an eyeroll, she continued. "Dear Journal, Liz and Nikolas are the hottest couple on all of television. Dear Journal, Today I wrote the greatest scene that I've ever written. I've never been as proud of anything as I am of Jason yelling at Michael. Steve was amazing. I think I'll make the little bitch line my new ringtone."
"What was your old ringtone?"
"Sonny calling Claudia a lying whore."
"I don't know why I asked...Dear Journal, The best thing about Franco is how much he loves Jason. The thing with the chips and dip is an inside joke between Steve and me, because I did the same thing when I first had Steve over to my house. It was hilarious, we laugh about it all the time. Dear Journal, I love watching old episodes of the show. Like when Liz was raped, and when Georgie was killed. I really respect and admire the long legacy this show has. Dear Journal, Big news! Today we were mentioned on The Soup. I didn't see it, I just heard about it, but I bet it was awesome. The guy from The Soup is on a show with Chevy Chase. Who doesn't love Chevy Chase? Dear Journal, I hope it wasn't a mistake to keep Rebecca alive instead of killing her off...what kind of message does that send? Dear Journal, I see big things for Lisa Niles. She could be the show's next leading lady! She's blunt, she's territorial and she's possibly unstable. I love writing for her!"
Guza smiled. "You know, when you read it back like that, the year is better than I even remembered it being."
"You're going to hell."
"I bet that's where you went."
"I just read your lunatic ramblings for an hour. If anything, hell is looking good to me right now."
"My AWARD WINNING lunatic ramblings!"
"The accuracy of that statement is the most tragic thing I've heard today."
(Agree? Disagree? Horrified by this glimpse into Guza's mind? Click here to leave a comment!)
