Serial Drama

I Spy Revisionist History! And Also Grossness

After reading the comments about a particularly "???!!!???" piece of dialogue on yesterday's General Hospital, I knew that I needed to watch the episode immediately, because most lines of dialogue are terrible and baffling, so for something to inspire THAT MUCH confusion must have been epically bad.

Although "epically bad" is even setting the bar a bit too high...

Elizabeth: I know. I know. That's just the thing, and I need you to know that sex is a really weird thing for me. My first experience was so brutal that it shut something down inside of me¹. And obviously I've been with other guys, and it's been fine, and I've enjoyed it, but there's a part of me that has always been unavailable, and I rarely initiate sex², and honestly, I would be more than happy to never have it again. Until now. Nikolas awakened that part of me³, and he brought it to life⁴. And I know this is so crazy that we're talking about this right here, because it's Nikolas, and he's my oldest and dearest friend, and he's my fiancé's brother and Emily's husband, and I know that I shouldn't be doing this...I'm so consumed by him. I can't stop thinking about him, about his touch, the way he kisses me⁵, and I pray--I pray every day that I will wake up and this will all just go away, because I just wanna be able to look at Nikolas and not wanna feel him⁶.

¹I would, of course, like to tell the GH writing staff that rape is not a sexual experience. I don't expect this lesson to take, since their views on women, sex and violence are...in lieu of a thousand word screed, I will just say that their views on women, sex and violence are "skewed". That's a shorter way to put it, and also less likely to make me cry angry tears about the fact that Bob Guza still has his job.

And then I'd also ask them, politely, to refrain from referring to excellent storylines of GH past, because while they see it as "drawing upon the show's history" and "employing continuity for the first time ever", I see it as "tainting things that were good with the strain of vileness that seeps through everything they do".

²REALLY? So we're just going to pretend that the entire Jason and Liz story never happened? The writers do know that we remember things that have happened in the past, right? And that if we don't, there are thousands of YouTube videos devoted to the show with clips of what happened. Hell, there are probably thousands of YouTube videos devoted to the Jason and Liz story that will disprove the claim that Liz rarely initiates sex.

³ Ew.

⁴Did she really just say that NIKOLAS is the most amazing lover she ever has? I don't want to start theorizing about the sex skills of fictional characters because that's just too creepy, so I will just ask this: did a character on Bob Guza's General Hospital just state that the most amazing lover she ever had was someone other than Jason?! I thought Jason was supposed to be the best at everything. I guess [dirty comment about Jason's gun and "gun" redacted].

⁵ I know that this is childish of me, but I cannot stop saying "EW!" I find the two of them repulsive together. I do my best to avoid scenes of them together by conveniently having to run out of the room and do something important when they come on ("Oh, I should go run outside and see if I left my car lights on at 3 in the afternoon!"), so I certainly don't want to hear about their touching and kissing.

⁶ FYI, this is the face of a woman who can't stop...um, wanting to feel Nikolas whenever they are together:

 

It only LOOKS like barely concealed hatred and a valiant attempt not to projectile vomit. It's REALLY uncontrollable desire.

Please Recap For the Recapper

The good news is that my semester from hell is officially over. Or at least will officially be over as of tonight. And the end seriously could not have come any sooner, because the past couple of days have just been...I'll just tell you that, at one point, I sobbed HYSTERICALLY in my car in the parking lot of Starbucks over something insanely trivial, like lost White-Out (which is tragic, no doubt, but not worth quite so many tears!). And I won't even get into how many books I will finally get to read, or magazines to catch up on, and DVRed television shows to watch...

...which segues nicely into the bad news: I'm surprised that my poor DVR has not blown up in protest from the large backlog of soap operas I've recorded! I have to catch up on a week's worth of soaps. This is not going to be a fun weekend.

Even though I have not been watching, I do have an inkling of what's gone down this week. Call it a psychic gift, but I have a feeling that:

• On The Young and the Restless, Kevin was annoying; Gloria schemed; Mac was a black hole of charisma; Sharon and Adam were, for lack of a better term, ooky
• On General Hospital, James Franco smoldered; entirely too much screen time was given to Sonny, Olivia, Sonny talking about Olivia and Olivia talking about Sonny; Spinelli babbled; there was lots of mob, but no Quartermaine action
• On All My Children, terrible people did terrible things with terrible writing and terrible performances and it was offensive on every level

How did I do?

Is there anything I should be looking forward to watching? I know that's adorably optimistic to ask, but you never know! And on the flip side, is there anything so unbelievably horrific that I should make sure that the episode "accidentally" gets erased? Let me know in the comments!

I Should Play the Lottery or Something

So late last night, I was making up some silly polls, writing an intro because really, it should look like I put a modicum of effort into the post, right?  So I was all, last Wednesday on GH was great and five days of thinking good thoughts and yadda yadda, but probably Monday someone will get killed or called a whore!  Ha ha, a joke about the violence and misogyny on General Hospital.  So fresh, so original.

But y'all, I was right!  The whore card got played!  By Original Recipe Lucky Spencer, no less!  Well, kind of.

Dream Sequence Lucky:  Hey, what’s going on in here?
Dream Sequence Liz:  Nikolas was just paying me for sleeping with him, just like Jason did.
Dream Sequence Lucky:  Well, kind of leaves me out, doesn’t it?
Dream Sequence Liz:  No, no!  That’s not what I want from you, Lucky.  I love you.
Dream Sequence Lucky:  Elizabeth,* you obviously don’t care about love.  It’s not what you want.  You want money, don’t you?  I mean, a whore is a whore, right?  Since you only seem to have sex with guys who pay for it, here ::throws a bunch of paper money at her:: take it.  I’d like to stay in the mix.

I don't care that it's Jonathan Jackson and he's awesome (side note:  seriously, who will get him to SHAVE?), or that it was a dream sequence.  There are about a dozen things wrong with Nikolas and Elizabeth's relationship, and none of them has to do with money.  She wasn't after Jason's money, either.  I think the character is grody right now, but I refuse to endorse this writing team's inability to insult women characters with anything other than "golddigging slutty whore" (paraphrased).  It's gross.

* Random aside:  For the last several months, every time I type "Liz" or "Elizabeth," I think of this, and I laugh.  "I do not go by Liz.  Where did you get your information?  I will send my hitman babydaddy after you immediately."

I'm in a poll-y kind of mood again:

poll by twiigs.com

Mondays After Four-Day Weekends Are Especially Awful, So Here Are Some Polls

We had two General Hospital-free weekdays, which was probably an especially good thing since Wednesday's Thanksgiving episode was so enjoyable and mob-free that you can now -- for possibly the first time in years -- say that you have maintained a positive impression of GH for nearly five whole days!  Surely someone will die or get called a whore on today's episode, though, so please try to manage your expectations.

In the meantime, random polls.

poll by twiigs.com

poll by twiigs.com

poll by twiigs.com

In Which We Give Soapy Thanks

We know what you're thinking: "You two bitter bitches are thankful for soap-related things? I am so sure!"

But maybe we're getting caught up in the sentimentality of the Thanksgiving season. Or maybe our pumpkin baked-goods high is clouding our judgment. Or maybe we are just so giddy at the prospect of a long weekend that we are seeing beauty in the unlikeliest of places (It turns out that squirrels aren't hideous beasts after all! Who knew?). Either way, we are thankful for many soap-related things!

We have not murdered our beloved twin brother while being drugged by the local nefarious doctor.

We have not been incarcerated and then on the run for a murder we did not commit, yet inexplicably confessed to.

We know how to pronounce "manipulate" properly.

We have never been on the receiving end of a patented Ryan Lavery bug-eyed, rage-filled smackdown.

We have never been murdered and then had our heretofore unknown twin sister come to town in order to prey on our emotionally vulnerable family and con them out of money. And then fall in love with our fiance. And then languish on the backburner before being fired.

The cops in our towns are waaaay smarter than 99% of the ones in soapland.

We have not been forced to give birth (after high-risk pregnancies) in a remote cabin with hands-on assistance from the nutbar responsible for putting our son in comas.

Our hair is not judged against Megan Ward's and Allison Sweeney's.

We have not had barware flung at our head in the midst of an argument.

We have not been gaslighted by our stepson, or had a miscarriage because of the machinations of that stepson, or had that stepson fake our pregnancy and then engage in a baby switch. 

We do not have grandmothers that frequently tries to kill or ruin us.  (Well, not recently anyway, and not intentionally...)

We have not had a long-lost son come back from the dead ten years too young and way more Australian than he ought to be and then have it turn out that he's not actually our son at all but an impostor and that our son actually really is alive and was just hiding out for two decades to deal with his secret pain.

Victor Newman is not a real person.

We aren't romantically involved with men who might reply to the innocent query "How was work today?" with a list of violent felonies.

All My Children is taking the writing of the show in a new direction, continues to employ David Canary, and...um, is only an hour long.

Days of Our Lives has at least temporarily forgotten that it sucked and was nearly canceled and is operating as a quite entertaining daily hour of drama.

James Scott got a haircut.  (This may be responsible for the immediately preceding thanks-worthy event.)

General Hospital has a casting department that does what the writing department cannot (awesome things, awesomely), and/or James Franco got really stoned or very broke and agreed to the heretofore unimaginable.

The Young and the Restless still has stellar writing; some ultra-soapy behind-the-scenes drama; some of the best actors in the business; and the smarts to give Doug Davidson increased screentime, resulting in what is, so far, the greatest soap moment in the entire decade, if not the past century.

We're also thankful for the fine folks at Soap Opera Digest, our amazing guest-blogger Louise and the best readers in the blogosphere.

Happy Thanksgiving all!

Our Column in the 12/1 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

The December 1st issue of Soap Opera Digest (with James Franco on the cover [Embarrassing squealing redacted]) and in it our our latest My Take/My Take, Too columns. Be sure to pick up a copy to hear our thoughts! This month, Becca is pleasantly surprised by how much Days of Our Lives has improved, thanks to hot men and pacing that isn't terrible, but challenges it to make the show great across the board. She also has some challenges for the General Hospital writers but has had to set the bar really low. Mallory takes on All My Children and, specifically, the way that the writers even manage to ruin the few good things the show has going for it: Zach and Kendall, Jesse and Angie, and Adam Chandler.

I'll Let Their Words Speak For Themselves

This is a complete cop-out, because a statement comprised of five characters is not exactly insightful or witty commentary, but all I can manage for today's episode of General Hospital is "...oh."

(Okay, maybe not ALL I can manage, but MOSTLY what I can manage)

Franco: Any commitment longer than an evening make me break out. Your ex never has to know about tonight.
Maxie: But I would know.
Franco: I'm going to pretend that that self-pitying drivel didn't just emerge from your lovely mouth.
Maxie: Wow, you really know how to charm the pants off of a girl.
Franco: Your pants are already halfway down your thighs.

"...oh. That...is actually a pretty disgusting piece of dialogue and if someone like Sonny spoke those words, I would probably be lobbying my Congressional representatives in order to have General Hospital banned from the airwaves, so I admit that I am being hypocritical by admitting that I wasn't actively disgusted by James Franco saying it, and admitting hypocrisy kind of cancels out the act of being hypocritical itself, doesn't it? No? ...oh."

Sonny: Her brother is investigating the case, and when Lucky finds out that Luke set up the meeting, it's going to get ugly. Lulu's right in the middle. And there's nothing worse than a father and son on opposing sides.
Dominic: Wow, this is really bothering you.
Sonny: Lucky... This terrific kid chose to be a cop and I hate that when I talk to him, I have to keep my guards up.
Dominic: What, you think he's got something on you?
Sonny: Not yet. He's probably going to figure out that Luke has a connection first, right? Can you imagine, your own kid investigating you? I mean, it got me thinking. About my own life, and what I've done with my life can buy Morgan, Kristina and Michael anything they want. They can go to a great college. They can start a business, anything better than what I had, better than the life that I'm in right now. But I pray that none of my kids ever become a cop.

"...oh. Aside from the pounding headache I have from being walloped in the face with three tons of irony, because get it, Sonny's kid IS a cop and IS investigating and isn't the GH writing staff so clever, and aren't you jealous of their brilliance, are we seriously being told that being a cop is, literally, the worst thing that could ever happen to a human being? We are? ...oh."

Jason: Ok, so what if somebody shows up in the wrong place at the wrong time and sees the wrong thing? Do I have the right to kill him?

"...oh. The show's leading man and moral center is having a crisis of conscience over whether or not he should kill someone who could logically be just an innocent bystander--although unbeknownst to Jason, that's not actually the case because the person is a stalking, leering, throat-stomping crazy, but whatever, as far as he knows, this is just a random down-on-his luck hobo who, I don't know, was scrounging for food and then saw the Messiah of Port Charles right in front of him after having just killed someone and he was so overwhelmed by seeing the master do what the master does best and gave a jolly wave--and we are supposed to sit, interested in his moral dilemma and not at all skeeved out at what this show has become...oh."

Sam: Jason, I know you. I know your heart. I know you are not some immoral killer who is drunk on power. I know you are not some animal who is out killing because it makes them feel like they're something special. You're doing what you have to do to protect you and yours when you are threatened. You have great instincts, and you have to trust them.

"...oh. Jason's a killer, but he's not a KILLER...oh."
 

In Which I Use All Caps and Exclamation Points

James Franco's General Hospital debut today was one of several things that made me downright gleeful today. I, of course, loudly broadcast my glee to anyone who would listen, and while most people I expressed my excitement to reacted with polite, if patronizing, feigned interest ("HAHA, I get to say 'I have a date with James Franco at 3:00 today' and have it be true! Because I do!" "Yeah, that is...that's nice!"), some were actually interested in my assessment of the episode. Okay, one person was interested in my assessment of the episode. And as I filled her in, I began to realize that...I am incapable of discussing this rationally. Any actual critique*, with logical thought and a marked lack of hysteria is going to have to come from Becca, because...well: 

NON-GH-WATCHING FRIEND: So, how was your show today?

MALLORY: OHMIGOD, SO GOOD!

NGHWF: Really? Don't you hate this show?

MALLORY: Totally!

NGHWF: Okay...so, what's the deal?

MALLORY: Okay, so there's this shootout, which James Franco AKA Franco, looking homeless

witnesses, and that's not notable or anything, because shootouts on this show are pretty much a daily thing, and then Jason sees that this so-called homeless person is there and Franco WAVES AT HIM and it is hilarious.

MALLORY: And then there was a guy hit in the shootout, and then Franco stepped on his neck after the whole thing was over--

NGHWF: So he's a killer?

MALLORY: Yes, which, on this show, means that the writers like him. Which...is really problematic actually. But, yes, he's a killer. Remember, his "canvas is murder" from the commercials? So anyway, then he hooks up with a hot woman in his loft, and by the way, do you know how rare it is to have a minority actress on this show? Oh, and also, Kate wants Maxie to get Franco the Artist to do a shoot for Crimson, but he's like a recluse or whatever, so it might be difficult...and he smoldered!

MALLORY: He smoldered like...a smoldering thing. And it was awesome.

It was like one of those Fancast commercials, except with much more high-pitched laughter!

What did you all think of the big debut? Do you also give it two thumbs up? Or did it not at all live up to the hype? Or did you enjoy it, but you also feel dirty complimenting something GH-related?

*Any critique of this story in particular, I mean. The rest of the show is shit, and I am still capable of writing at least a thousand words about the horror that is Liz/Nikolas, and can bitch quite nicely about how terrible the Johnny/Olivia story is right now. I'm not COMPLETELY a pod person!

Soap Blog Coalition

Carly's back and she isn't messing around. Find out what's in store for her and her fellow Oakdale residents with As the World Turns spoilers. (Daytime Confidential)

If you weren't able to go to the Scrubs event at General Hospital's Fan Club Weekend in July, you can now see the videos of Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough entertaining the crowd.  (Scrubs Hub)

Sami and Nicole's confrontation on Days was one of the most over-the-top, soapy, fabulous things to hit daytime in ages. If you need the Serial Drama girls, you'll find them replaying the clip on a constant loop and clapping giddily. (Serial Drama)

The soap goddess reaches out to The Young and the Restless' Billy Abbott in Genoa city. (Soap Opera Examiner) 

Don't Leave Me Hanging, Show!

It is exceedingly rare that anything on General Hospital intrigues me enough to look forward to the next scene in order to see the fallout, but that happened twice today, and both times, the followup consisted of, "Remember when that thing happened and it bordered on interesting? We don't" and the writers blithely moved along to the amalgamation of boredom that is the rest of the show.

I'd ask what gives, but we all know that the answer is a combination of "awful writing" and "editors less skilled than a gaggle of geese".

But really, though, I beg for follow-up!

Like, Elizabeth has a daydream/nightmare about being caught making out with Nikolas by a very shrill imaginary Robin, and then notices Sam, juggling two coffees and whistling nonchalantly

 which leads Liz to unburden her soul to Sam and say:

Elizabeth: Sam...when I was with Jason, I judged you an awful lot. And I look back now, and I see what a hypocrite I was. I had no right to cast judgment on anyone. Lord knows I'm not proud of anything that i've done. So I owe you an apology. You don't have to accept it. I'm not sure I would.

That's kind of in the same neighborhood as intriguing, right? But there was zero follow-up, except that Sam was able to read between those few lines and correctly ascertain that Liz is conflicted about her relationship with Lucky, which leads to the second of the episode's missed opportunities when Sam explains the situation to Jason

Sam: Uh...Lucky is a good person. And I do know that he loves Elizabeth and the boys a lot. I just...Jason, I don't think that she feels the same way about being engaged to him as he does.

Why is this intriguing? Not because of the tortured grammar (Lucky and Liz have differing feelings on being engaged to Lucky?), but because of Jason's amazingly melodramatic reaction shot.

The man is a step away from having the vapors and damn it, I want to see Jason Morgan get the vapors! But no. Sam hit him with that tantalizing knowledge and then...nothing.

Which is the perfect word to describe the rest of the episode!