Serial Drama

Such A Waste of a Pretty Dress

Starting with honesty: I have not missed a minute of GH in years (seriously, not one minute). That is, up until the last couple of weeks. This isn't because of some big statement or that I'm giving it up or angry at the show or any of the above, it's just that since OLTL came back I've been too busy to maintain three soaps fully, and so for whatever reason GH is the one that fell into "occasional viewing with fast-fowarding" temporarily. (Y'all know I caught the Anna/Duke stuff from last week after being told about it, of course!) I think maybe with the intensity of the big 50-hour marathon and then all the anniversary coverage I just got a bit burnt out for a little while.

Anyway, I'm trying to pick it back up again with some flying through and some reading of recaps. And as you can imagine, watching entire episodes laden with The Chew business was not really the best way to dive back in. Especially with this new version of Morgan that rubs me every possible wrong way and then the trio of former OLTL actors returning in their weird new roles. 

I'll say this: I much prefer Kristen Alderson as a brunette.

And that is all I will say.

But let's talk about Liz. Poor Liz has seriously spent most of the last eight years or so dressed in scrubs and sneakers and being pregnant. In just the last month alone she's been in more adorable little outfits than she has been in the last five years combined, I'd say.

Here's where I have a problem. Full disclosure: I do not like the character of Nikolas Cassadine. I know, I'm a horrible person. I understand his legacy and his significance on canvas and how much lovely drama he brought to the show in his early years (and oh my, was Tyler Christopher an impossibly handsome young man). But it's been many, many, many years since I've found him to be an even remotely engaging character. I could spend all day analyzing this, but nobody has time for that and I'm too exhausted to open up Pandora's Box of debate here. Point is, it's worth being honest going into this that I'm predisposed to feel like Nik removes any potential energy from any potential pairing he's in, no matter with whom. 

So as you can imagine, it's killing me that so many of these pretty outfits on Liz are being wasted on scenes with Nikolas!

Look at that cute little spaghetti strap dress and her perfect hair and excellent alabaster skin!

Oh, and then look at draining "Prince" Nik talking down to her and making sure he understands how much he always nobly knows what's best for her. I mean he's going to be a gentleman enough to PERMIT her to make her own decisions even though he thinks she's just a stupid girl who doesn't know anything, or at least nothing near those wise morsels of knowledge he's got. The face of chivalry, ladies and gentlemen!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Because of my fondness for routine and a quite consistent temperament that usually hovers somewhere around "irritated", I'm an incredibly predictable person. This has its benefits (ordering the same thing at Starbucks every morning means that the barista gets started on my latte as soon as I walk in the door, which makes my trips efficient--and expensive, and sad when they misspell my name in a variety of humiliating ways, but that is a rant for a wordy opening paragraph in the future) and its downsides (I often worry, usually after watching a Lifetime movie or a particularly disturbing Law & Order, that my routine makes me an easy target for unsavory creepers. They'll always know where to find me!), but for the most part, it is what it is.

So I'm sure we ALL know, unequivocally, what moment on today's General Hospital made me clap my hands with glee and delight--and no, it wasn't the return of Michael Easton and his classy little ponytail; that made me laugh uproariously and say "Oh, John McBain, you are just too cute" because him playing another character is going to take a lot of getting used to because see above re: routine. No, it was Emma, paraphrasing one of my favorite soap child "quotes" of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Patrick: Britta is going to have the baby. Which means you are going to have a little brother or little sister. Isn't that great?
Emma: Witch, please.  

I screamed.

The sass was welcome (as was Patrick being hotly bothered by his daughter's attitude, because that was all sorts of realistic. And realism is an ever dwindling commodity lately!) and is also cutting commentary on almost everything else that happened in the next sixty minutes.

The Chew crew trying (SO hard. If they hadn't exerted any effort in attempting to act, the end result wouldn't have been half as embarrassing. For me. And even THAT wasn't as embarrassing as the synchronized group vomit at the end, which is a real thing that actually happened and I sort of find amusing but also bizarre and uncomfortable) to act?

Emma says "Witch, please".

The random goon also trying SO hard to act (seriously, is there anything sadder than someone with a natural monotone really attempting to be emotional and failing? I guess group vomiting would probably count as sadder than that, but it's still pretty sad, is what I'm saying)?

Emma says "Witch, please". 

Carly declaring her son to be "Michael Corinthos Jr. the 3rd"? Emma says "Witch, please".

Britt moving in with Patrick? Emma says "Witch, please" and then starts weeping.

Roger Howarth making his triumphant return to General Hospital as part of the relish saga, appearing all creepy-like in a way that fills me with dread and horror because what if he is FRANCO and I have no reason to believe that he is except that WHAT IF I'M PSYCHIC AND THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS?

Emma says, "Please for the love of Jason Morgan and all that is holy, please let that not happen and let my television spontaneously combust if it does".

 

Oh My God, He's The One Who Needs Brain Surgery

The Unbearable Dumbness of Patrick has been driving me to distraction. DISTRACTION! To be brief--and I'm only being brief because I am very much the opposite of brief on this subject in my upcoming Soap Opera Digest column--there is no earthly reason for Patrick to not be suspicious of absolutely every single thing Britt does, considering the fact that he lived out this ENTIRE story already with Lisa Niles. Every time the woman BLINKS, he should be raising an eyebrow and saying "What was that blink?! Was it code to one of your evil accomplices?! You sneezed REALLY MANIPULATIVELY just now!!"

But he's NOT and that's worrisome.

Sabrina: Felix and I both think that Britt told you she was gonna terminate the pregnancy in order to manipulate you into stopping her.
Britt: That is reprehensible.
Sabrina: Oh, my point exactly. Reprehensible is Dr. Westbourne's M.O.
Patrick: Sabrina, please...
Sabrina: Patrick, she was manipulating you, okay? And it worked. And now you've promised to take care of britt and the baby, but you know what? That's not enough for her. So she's gonna fake this morning sickness in order to reel you in even more and... that's working, too.
Patrick: I would say that's pretty elaborate.
Britt:

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be!"

(Also, the way that she moaned and wailed loudly and ridiculously through the above conversation and the emotionless "Oh my God" she mustered when Patrick gave her her "diagnosis" of hyperemesis gravidarum were just so on point. Major kudos to Kelly Thiebaud because those were just killer moments amidst the dumbness)

Sure, he later admitted that there was a possibility that she was lying about all of this, but...

Patrick: But, frankly, I... I can't jump to the same conclusions that everyone else is jumping to.

No, you can't jump to the same conclusions as everyone else. You should have already jumped to them DAYS AGO, regardless of the fact that this could be your child (it's not) or that you're bound by the Hippocratic Oath! At the very least, you should have seriously questioned the shifty lab tech who brought you Britt's test results because he was twitching and so overly rehearsed that he might as well have handed you the results saying, "I'm pretty clearly embroiled in some bribery related shenanigans, so please just take Britt's obviously falsified test results and don't make small talk with me because I'll spill my secrets pretty quickly". HAVE YOU LEARNED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM YOUR PAST MISTAKES?!

'Tis The Season

Big week for soaps! There was that thing that happened on Monday, and today we have the Daytime Emmy nominations announcement.

Shall we take a look?

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES

The Bold and the Beautiful                                CBS
Bradley P. Bell, Executive Producer
Rhonda Friedman, Edward J. Scott, Supervising Producers
Ronald W. Weaver, Senior Producer
MarkPinciotti, Coordinating Producer
Cynthia J. Popp, Colleen Bell, Casey Kasprzyk, Producers

Days of Our Lives                                                 NBC
Ken Corday, Executive Producer
Lisa de Cazotte, Greg Meng, Co-Executive Producers
Janet Drucker, Tim Stevens, Coordinating Producers
Albert Alarr, Producer

General Hospital                                                   ABC
Frank Valentini, Executive Producer
Mary-Kelly Weir, Michelle Henry, Mercer Barrows, Producers

One Life To Live                                                   ABC
Frank Valentini, Executive Producer
Suzanne Flynn, Senior Producer
Jackie Van Belle, Coordinating Producer
John Tumino, Leah Weber, Producers

The Young and the Restless                             CBS
Maria Arena Bell, Jill Farren Phelps, Executive Producers
Jay Gibson, Consulting Producer
Sally McDonald, John Fisher, Tony Morina, Supervising Producers

 

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

SUSAN FLANNERY, as Stephanie Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                           CBS

PEGGY MCCAY, as Caroline Brady
Days of our Lives                                                         NBC

MICHELLE STAFFORD, as Phyllis Summers Newman
The Young and the Restless                                          CBS

HEATHER TOM, as Katie Logan Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful                                           CBS

 

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

PETER BERGMAN, as Jack Abbott
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

DOUG DAVIDSON, as Paul Williams
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

MICHAEL MUHNEY, as Adam Newman
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

JASON THOMPSON, as Patrick Drake
General Hospital                                                             ABC

The One With All The Awkward Kissing

I'm not psychic--although I DID correctly predict that my allergies today would be so overwhelmingly terrible that I'd be unable to hold my head up by late afternoon, although that's less of a sixth sense than it is a regrettably consistent pattern--but I have a feeling I know exactly what we'll all be doing tomorrow afternoon: watching General Hospital feeling a potent mixture of discomfort, confusion and mild disgust, because the end of today's show was just one long bad touch*.

 "Sure, sure", the writers said. "People say they want steamy romance, but what they really mean by that is dysfunction and randomness and a thick layer of what we in the biz call ick."

I'm incredibly uncomfortable.

*Okay, it was almost entirely a bad touch. It's just that something about AJ and Carly together is disturbingly compelling. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. They are gross and dysfunctional and yet...I think it's that Sean Kanan just has chemistry with everyone and everything he comes into contact with. He was even eyeing up that crystal decanter all flirtatious-like. But the rest of it? BAD TOUCH. New Lulu (NuLu?) and Milo were so random and awkward together that it was like...well, it was like watching someone I don't know kiss a mannequin and that's not a comparison as much as it's a description because really, Drew Cheetwood means well, but come on. And Liz and Nikolas are so ew that I'd have much rather the writers completely pretend like that particular dark period of GH history never happened, much like they'll have to do when Roger Howarth and Co. return after a few weeks away as totally new people. If John McBain never happened, Nik and Liz never happened!

The Rules of the Mental, Soap-Style

Well, there are upsides and downsides.

When it comes to soap amnesia, those who are perfectly aware of the amnesiac situation must never give advance notice to any loved ones or acquaintances in advance of the first meeting. No warning to the extended family, no heads-up to friends. Shit, y'all. The Spencer/Falconeri gang seemed to have even made an appointment with Patrick for Lulu without having even mentioned that the most acute need for this particular exam was that she's FORGOTTEN HER WHOLE LIFE. Why would her doctor need to know? He'll find out when she shrieks that she doesn't know him!

Oh and another thing that happens with soap amnesia: they only forget their personal lives. They remember their command of the English language, they remember what year it is and who the President is. Nobody ever asks them if they remember learning to read and write, or if they remember whether or not they voted for this particular president, or how they even know that they can legally walk into a bar and order a drink. And they never want doctors to help them actually get their memory back, they just want to be LEFT ALONE! (Does Lulu even have a wallet? Somehow I feel like Stavros didn't hang on to it as a favor to her while he'd put her on ice.)

And poor Dante has lost his "Most Perfect Husband Ever" title because he is acting just as every soap mate behaves when their significant other turns up all amnesiac. That is to say, he is all up her grill constantly and isn't the least bit interested in what her doctor has to say or suggest.

He's exhibiting zero patience and, rather than focusing entirely on the fact that she is MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE and trying to make sure she has the space and comfort necessary so that she can stop feeling so terrified and start getting her footing again, he's preoccupied entirely with making sure she remembers him THIS VERY SECOND. (This reminds me an awful lot of Teen Jessica's amnesia over on OLTL, in which usually-perfect Brody spent every waking second trying to get her to fall in love with him rather than just trying to be grateful that her stepfather Charlie didn't actually kill her when he accidentally shot her and maybe not trying to force a boyfriend on a crazy girl who just got almost-raped by her then-bio-dad and maybe give her a little time and support and.... oh lord, do I go on. Y'all, One Life to Live is currently premiering a brand new episode downtown RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND so I'm a little distracted and possibly unwell. Emotionally. So you can see why this is the perfect blog theme!)

Layers and Layers of Menace

Because I am a compulsive planner, I've started to look ahead to December and the Serial Drama Best and Worst of 2013 post and, specifically, the category "Worst Time People Talked About Killing Brenda And Did It With Lots of Meaningful Looks And A Humorous Tone So It Didn't SEEM Like They Were Serious About Actual Murder Except For The Part That They Totally Were" which has a shocking amount of potential honorees, like Sonny's jokey-except-not discussion of Brenda murder today.

Sonny: Don't give [Carly] too mch credit. You know why? Because she asked me to kill Brenda.
Olivia: How hard was it for you to resist?
Sonny: [Meaningful look]
Audience At Home: [Dawning horror]

Olivia, genuinely worried about the answer to her question because it's not out of the realm of possibility: You didn't kill Brenda, did you?
Sonny: No! [Beat] I mean...[Silence, in which it's heavily implied that he fantasized about gruesomely killing her because she made Carly mad, in which case baristas all over upstate New York better look into some security detail]

Olivia: So if I wouldn't have called you, you would have gone and found Brenda and, um, what?
Sonny: [Grateful for the appearance of Dante and Crew. Not because he's even a little bit interested in any of their lives, but because it at least puts off the awkward moment of having to answer Olivia with "Probably some heavy duty berating and then taking her out into the woods if you know what I mean, and I think you do, but in case you don't, I mean that I'd kill her in the woods."]

It was all profoundly unsettling, although not as unsettling as the moment I nodded my head and said "Yup, totally" at something Sonny said. IN MY DEFENSE, what he said was "When Michael told me what happened, I thought I was going to be sick"; I think fear of public vomiting was a pretty universal reaction to that particular plot twist. It's been an upsetting day for me, okay?

Return of the Goddess (and I Don't Mean Katie Couric)

Because that's what Robin Mattson is.

All right, let's do this thing as we go, shall we?

Spinelli goes to see Heather in the crazy lady hospital.

Welcome back, Heather.

Felix gives Sabrina a hard time for ruining his makeover by pulling her hair back for work. You know, her job at the hospital. As a nurse. I'm going with, "Yes. Pull your hair back." He has actually referred to having turned her into Cinderella. I'm glad they spelled it out because thus far it sure had been subtle.

Britt tells Patrick she's aborting her baby which, based on that bump, is about two months from birth. So yeah, that makes sense? 

Nik is talking on the phone to Spencer. I wonder if a SORAS'ed Spencer will return soon in the form of Michael Easton. Oh, and Katie Couric is Nik's doctor today.

Lulu still hasn't seen "any of you people" in her life.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? (Confession: I totally love soap amnesia!)

Konnie is at Sonny's door. She's been released from treatment. Oh I like her little outfit!

He asks if she's Kate or Connie, which.... isn't how integration works, but okay. It's Soap D.I.D., so we just get to do what we're told.

Ads. Something about some stupid reality diving show. I'm never going to understand this.

Tracy is trying to get Shawn to carry PickleLila at Kelly's. So Shawn is Sonny's enforcer and still the manager of Kelly's? He's not interested, so she thinks Wyndham's will jump at the chance. Wyndham's!

Konnie wants to know if Sonny was hoping she was Kate or Connie.

Lulu continues to ask people who they are. She insists that Stavros Cassadine is her hubby.

This Is Just Amazingness (Side Note: Nothing Rhymes With Stavros)

OHMIJASONMORGAN, you guys. Today's General Hospital was brimming with things that were all sorts of soapily awesome.

You had AJ not being able to contain his glee that Michael's maybe-tryst with Brenda was causing Carly enormous amounts of physical and emotional pain, which--I'm right there with you, dude.

Then there was Carly and Brenda's conversation, which was basically the two of them sniping at each other for an entire hour about how the other is a psychopath deviant, sort of like:

CARLY: Why you got to be such a slut, slut?
BRENDA: Who are you calling a slut, bitch?
CARLY: I'm sorry, did someone three feet shorter than me say something? I heard a whorish whispher from far away.
BRENDA: What's it like to be terrible at everything you attempt, including coming up with comebacks?
CARLY: Whore says what?
BRENDA: I'm not falling for that.
CARLY: Of course you'll fall for it, right onto your back. WHOA! YA BURNT!

The more heated they each became, the more likely they were to palce emphasis on random syllables.

Brenda: Your SON is not a KID anymore, you FREAK.
Carly: SONny might disaGREE, BRENda.

These things were all awesome, but nothing--NOTHING, compares to Stavros Cassadine. Every single moment he was onscreen was a golden moment: the way he attempted to calm Luke and Laura down by earnestly saying of his crazy plan "I think you have the wrong idea, I am merely courting Lulu", the way he knocked out Nikolas ans Dante so casually and yet forcefully. It was all great.

But I think my favorite moment was the absolutely amazing and RIDICULOUS way the episode ended:

Luke: You put the old bitch on ice?
Stavros: Just like I did to my new princess. My Ice Princess.

I screamed like I was watching the Beatles at Shea Stadium. Beautiful, beautiful camp. I want nothing more than a constant loop of Stavros being a ridiculous human (possibly) being.

Fast Forgiveness, GH-Style

Oh man, y'all. I'm glad I took Jason's advice to Carly and let myself calm down a little before I misbehaved. I watched yesterday's final episode of the Nurses Ball in such a bad mood (the mood was tax-related just to give you an idea of just how pissy I was) and it just annoyed the everloving crap out of me on so many levels (I'm not even going to go into it even though I have no doubt some of you are jonesin' for a rant, but I cooled off and I want it to stay that way!). All hail Dr. Obrecht and her dancing and her sense of humor (Britt, too, was seriously entertaining), of course, and I shouldn't forget the awesome that was not only the Epiphany/Monica/Tracy Pointer Sisters routine and the very first (but too brief!) kiss between A.J. and Liz. (Let's just not mention anyone with the initial SS right now.)

And let's just leave it at that, because today the show is back firing on all cylinders and I could not possibly have had more fun from beginning to end. And besides, the other two episodes of the Nurses Ball were glory.

Okay first of all, how cute are Mac and Felicia?

They're just so happy! I love it. And I bet I'm not the only one who thought part of the joy was just a major weight off Kristina Wagner's shoulders, no longer having to play "torn" in scenes with her ex-husband. They did a great job, but it must have been incredibly difficult. 

Now let me clear: I always have been and always will be a die-hard lover of Frisco and Felicia together. And I am frustrated that they had to do Frisco like that -- we all knew she wasn't going to choose Frisco because, hey, Felicia's staying on the show and Frisco is not. That's fine. I'd rather have Felicia without Frisco than have neither of them at all. And I don't want to bore anyone by detailing all the ways I wish this had gone down because that is ultimately just fanfiction and I ain't here for that, so let's just say I did not care for how they wrapped up his visit, I did not care for it one little bit. But two important things: (1) I still got Frisco serenading Felicia with "All I Need" and it was still perfect and it was still something I never dreamed I'd see and (2) there is still no question in my mind that Frisco and Felicia are soulmates and that he is the great love of her life. But you know what? The great love of your life is not always the last love of your life. And at least Frisco's back in the field now trying to help rescue the Spencers and Dante!

And like I said, she and Mac are adorable.

Mac (regarding the engagement ring): And you know, money is no object! For someone else. It's... a bit of an object.

Aww, Mac.

Today's spectacular comedy routine came courtesy of Carly walking in on Brenda and Michael in bed together. I highly doubt they actually did the deed and I'm sure we'll get filled in later, but it certainly was a gift to the audience today that Carly sure thought they did and that Brenda just basked in it!

Brenda: Really, a mother shouldn't be in the room... the morning after.

I love it. I LOVE IT.

And Brenda was loving every second of it (as was I).