Serial Drama

Night Shift Season Premiere: Pre-Recap Recap

Am I completely out of my mind, or was our optimism about this show warranted?  Patrick and Robin had a new conversation, and even bantered!  Jagger had a fun entrance, was charming, momentarily wore nothing but a towel, and introduced his adorable son named Stone!  The new hospital set is cool!  There was no hideous hair or fashion!  There were no mobsters, or murders set to music! 

Sure, there were low points:  Among other things, Dr. Ford's death scene was unintentionally hilarious, and Patrick being Chief of Staff is almost as ridiculous as a hitman being the hero of a soap opera.  But overall, it was good, right?

The full recap will be up Thursday night.  Perhaps by then I will have decided I hated this, but for now I'm....looking forward to next week's episode.  Of something related to General Hospital.  WHAT IS THIS FEELING AND HOW DO I COPE?!

poll by twiigs.com

And It's Not Even My Birthday!

Jax and Carly broke up!  And I think it might be for good!  One of my favorite characters has been freed from one of my most hated!  Hurrah!  I mean, don't get me wrong, this show still sucks, but Carly being unhappy and Jax being single is the best pairing in Port Charles since Courtney was dead and Sonny was crying.

I have not hidden my love for a good soap fight, and Carly and Jax's latest blow-up did not disappoint.  Somehow the GH writers seem to script very realistic fights.  Since they say you write what you know, this makes me think that maybe they have lots of arguments in real life.  But then they would be bitter misanthropes who wouldn't really have the proper mental approach to write a soap opera and as a result the show would be....Oh.  Ooooooh.

ANYWAY, good fight.  Gleeful emphasis added:

Night Shift's Second Season Premieres Tomorrow. Are You Ready?

We have stocked up on booze, because optimism doesn't usually pay off for us, and at least one of us has confessed to really looking forward to this new season of Night Shift.  Are we crazy to think the new powers-that-be might actually be able to turn this show around?  Are we delusional to think that the combined hotness of Jason Thompson and Antonio Sabato Jr. can overcome almost any level of badness?  Are we suckers to believe that Robin might actually be treated well and get a storyline related to her pregnancy that doesn't involve her being a harpy and/or Patrick being a slimeball? 

The answer to all of these questions is probably "yes."  But we have to think positively, because we are staring down almost three months of weekly recaps of this show and if we don't start off with a positive attitude, can you imagine what our posts will be like come September?  Just expletives and exclamation points, probably. 

They've switched around the scheduling on us, and that in combination with some other behind-the-scenes changes means we won't be able to swing the almost immediate recaps that we did last year.  This time around, the episodes will air on Tuesday nights, and our recaps will go up on Thursdays.  We cannot guarantee that our positivity or objectivity will continue past the first five minutes of the first episode, but we're going to try to give this thing a fair shake, and not be overly harsh just because it previously stank to high heaven and is associated with a show that makes us want to take hostages on an almost daily basis.  It's a whole new approach we're trying out.  You have been warned.

So in our last poll, an astonishing 84% of you claimed to be looking forward to Night Shift 2: Allegedly Soapy Spin-Off Bugaloo just like we are.  The question is, what is the source of that optimism?  By which we mean, what or who will carry the burden of all our soapy hearts and dreams, most likely while descending into the pit of crappiness into which almost everything related to modern-day General Hospital ultimately falls?  (Shoot, sorry; old habits die hard.)

poll by twiigs.com

New Feature Alert: Vintage Suds

We are so terribly bored by our soaps these days, and find blogging about them so taxing, that we decided to go back in time to try to recapture our enthusiasm for the genre.  We therefore announce the launch of a new feature, Vintage Suds, in which we recap episodes from our shows when our love/hate relationship was more on "love" and less on "hate."  Not surprisingly, we had to go a looong way back.  Well, also the tapes that Becca found in her basement during a fit of OCD-like cleaning are NBC shows from the late 80s and early 90s, so that was a time-determining factor as well. 

Maybe you have more recent -- or even more dated, for that matter -- episodes you'd like one of us to recap?  Head on over to our Serial Drama Dish forums and post a link to the ep online, or email us if you'd like to arrange to send us a tape. 

We're so excited about this new venture that we've sprayed our bangs high, padded our shoulders wide, and applied our makeup with a trowel.  We're nothing if not committed.  Well, we're not really committed to our shows these days, but we're committed to being enthusiastic about detailing the many ways in which our shows used to be much, much better than they are now. 

Our Column in the 7/22 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Our latest My Take/My Take, Too column appears in the July 22nd issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today. Our editors asked us to give our thoughts on the Daytime Emmy Awards and, remarkably, we were able to do so without swearing. We wonder what some Emmy voters were thinking, question the production values of the pre-show and ceremony and weep again over the fact that General Hospital was named Outstanding Daytime Drama.

Maybe He's A Really Big Charles Schulz Fan?

So Ingo Rademacher and his fiancé  had their baby, and we extend our congratulations to them. We love Jax, and we love Ingo and we're very happy for him.

There's just one little thing:

GH's Ingo Rademacher and fiancé Ehiku welcomed son Peanut Kai Rademacher into the world on July 11. The baby weighed in at 7 lbs, 6 oz. and was 20 1/2 inches long. "Dad, mom and baby are all great," notes a show spokesperson. "The cast and crew of GENERAL HOSPITAL are very excited for Ingo, Ehiku and the entire Rademacher family. We wish them all the best during this important milestone."

That...is not a name. That is a legume.

It's not even a particularly nice sounding word, you know? Peanut. I just spent a couple of minutes thinking of the various ways you can mock someone named Peanut (because I have the mentality of a twelve year old) and there's, like, a lot.  

On the bright side, though, he'll almost certainly never have a classmate with the same name, so, um...at least he'll be spared years of having to be known as "Peanut R". That's kind of a bright side, right?

It's Official: ABC Hates Scorpios

ABC/SOAPNet hates the fictional Scorpio family.  There is no other logical explanation for the minimal screentime given the talented portrayers of members of that clan, nor for this....thing:

I watch General Hospital every day.  Kimberly McCullough may not be on-screen nearly enough for my liking, but I am certain that when she is, she has neither a double chin nor a wonky eye.  And Tristan Rogers is not, as I recall from his five minutes of screentime a year or more ago, a reanimated corpse.  Why then, does this promotional tool, presumably designed to make people actually want to tune in (to a show that can't exactly rest on its storytelling laurels), convey the opposite impression on both counts?

Also -- and I can't believe I actually have to encourage SOAPNet to cater better to viewers' base instincts -- if you have Jason Thompson and Antonio Sabato Jr. as your two male leads on a show whose target demographic is straight women and probably gay men, you put them AT THE FRONT OF THE AD.  Hell, you make your ads just shot after shot of the two of them in various states of undress and/or Blue Steel poses.  They are hotness in stereo.  Turn up the volume, ABC!  Even you shouldn't be able to screw this up.

Positive Feelings About General Hospital? This is Completely Foreign to Me

I can't give the unholy union of Brian Frons, Jill Farren Phelps and Bob Guza much credit for anything, but I will give them this: they really know how to surprise you.

More often than not, of course, the surprises are terrible and include murdering Quartermaines and undead serial killers, because it is General Hospital that we're talking about and these three create crap the way that Godiva creates deliciousness, which is to say effortlessly. It's practically an art form.

But sometimes, the surprise is so genuinely great and delightful that the only appropriate response is to squeal aloud and quote a model from America's Next Top Model (there's something about their combination of bitchiness and vapidity that contains a surprising amount of wisdom), which is exactly what I did when I got an email from lovely reader Beth R. informing me that Genie Francis is making a brief return to General Hospital in August, leading me to exclaim to an empty office, "Shut your mouth and say it ain't so!"

It's only a short appearance, true, and even in extending this invitation to her, the GH brass managed to be a bunch of classless morons who don't understand how much Laura matters:

"I would stay on, but `General Hospital' honestly doesn't seem to want that relationship with this character at the moment," said Francis. "They want little short doses during sweeps periods. It's not entirely up to me.

But still! A little bit is better than nothing, right?

Let's take a moment and Eeeeee! our excitement: Eeeeeee!!!

And another moment to ponder how sad it is that she had to confirm with the powers-that-be that they weren't bringing Laura back just to kill her off. On a sadness scale of 1-10, that's...like a 23.

Of course, because I am inquisitive, I got to wondering...why would Genie do this to herself?

poll by twiigs.com

The Day's Most Awesome Dialogue: Introduction of the Go-Back and Re-Do

There is something you should know about me.  I can rationalize virtually anything.  (Especially purchases.  I rationalize buying another pair of black heels, when I have 20 at home already.  I justify buying additional handbags even though I don't even have enough space to store the ones I have.  My abilities even extend to other people's shopping; I have friends who will call me, knowing I will make them feel better about an otherwise seemingly insane consumer decision.  I believe a 60" flat screen TV is the current winner, at least in terms of dollar amounts.)  But even I have never rationalized infidelity.  I must therefore admire Ms. Carly Benson Quartermaine Corinthos Corinthos Corinthos Alcazar Corinthos Jacks' ability to justify screwing her ex-husband and characterizing that as perfectly acceptable while berating her current husband for briefly kissing another woman.  I bow down to the master.

Carly's side of this conversation was truly awesome because it went so far into hideously, heinously, horrendously hypocritical that it went through some kind of vortex and came out as hilarious perfection.  Because obviously, the writers have realized how awful a character Carly has become, and that she's lost all shades of gray and is perma-set on "judgmental harpy," and they're just sending one big wink in our direction.

Carly:  Jax kissing Kate of his own free will is the problem.  And he didn't expect me to find out, and now that I have, he's trying to tell me it's all my fault.
Jason:  How?
Carly: 'Cause he felt hurt and shut out, or something.  No excuse at all.
Jason: That was the night you and Sonny took Michael to the institute.
Carly: So?
Jason:  So that -- that was the night you and Sonny had sex!
Carly:  That doesn't count!  Sonny was a go-back.  Like a re-do. [I'm totally stealing this.]
Jason:  Are you serious?
Carly: Sonny and I were in an emotional place, that we fell onto something familiar.  [Well, you did.]  It was wrong, but nothing we hadn't done before.  Jax kissed Kate for the first time.  Which means he totally meant it.  Which means he was totally unfaithful.
Jason: ::awesome, Expression Hall of Fame-worthy WTF expression, complete with actual head-scratching, that I will upload as soon as I find a screencap::
- commercial break -
Jason:  If you had sex with Sonny while you were married to Jax, that's cheating.
Carly:  Well yeah, if you want to get technical.  [!!!!!]  But Jax and Kate kissing is far worse.
Jason:  How?   
Carly: Jax kissing Kate is a new thing -- that's messing with our future.  But Sonny, you know, we just happen sometimes, Jason.
Jason:  H-h-happens?  You didn't mean to have sex with him?  [Steve Burton's delivery throughout this who convo was brill.]
Carly: We had just went [sic] through the worst night of our lives.  [Worse than when he shot you in your head while you were in labor?  Damn.]  I mean, we regretted it two seconds after it was over.  But that's just who we are.  It doesn't mean we're getting back together.  But Jax and Kate kissing -- she's after him, he knows it, and he kept the whole thing a secret.
Jason:  Oh, okay, so did you tell Jax that you slept with Sonny?
Carly:  No, I did not.
Jason:  ::another ridiculously awesome exasperated expression::

See, if that scene had been written by a team that routinely demonstrates an inability to see Carly -- no matter how awful her behavior -- as anything other than a plucky heroine, or that makes a concerted effort not to have Carly ever have to pay for any of the terrible things she does to people she purportedly loves, I might have been nauseated and excessively pissy after watching it.  Because then they might not have intended the whole conversation to make clear what a terrible wife and person Carly is, and they might actually think Carly's argument is reasonable.  But since -

Oh.  Oooooooh. 

I have to go throw some stuff and curse now.

Another One Bites the Dust

Well, another week, another dead legacy character.  We thought the death of Logan and the departure of the once brutally hot Josh Duhon was worthy of a little live-blogging action.  Or we thought that being on IM for an hour would at least delay us drinking ourselves into a stupor over 1) how bad this show is, and 2) that we still watch it. 

Becca (9:59:32 PM): Okay, ready for your nightly dose of ABC-sponsored misogyny?
Mallory (9:59:54 PM): I can't wait! I have trained myself to hate women and love violence. Here we go
Becca (10:00:39 PM): Scenes like this with Jax and Kate make me sad for what could have been -- you know, if Kate didn't turn out to be a spineless mob apologist

Mallory (10:00:48 PM): For a jetsetting fashion maven, Kate's wardrobe tends to look a little Golden Girls, no?
Becca (10:01:11 PM): Totally.

Mallory (10:01:36 PM): Bruce Weitz cracks me up. I feel like he's the show's only actor who is in on the huge joke that is General Hospital
Becca (10:01:54 PM): But now they're giving him a serious story, in which scenery-chewing would be inappropriate!  Why did they do that?
Mallory (10:02:20 PM): Because they ruin everything that they touch, without even trying

Is This That Optimism Thing I've Heard So Much About?

I know they, whoever "they" are, say that you should live with no regrets.  But sadly, I have regrets.  They include, but are not limited to:

• going through a period circa Reality Bites and Before Sunrise during which I thought Ethan Hawke was a little bit attractive
• that my high school yearbook photo dedication includes the phrase "UR Audi5K"
• not discovering arugula salads until this year
• thinking Katherine Heigl was charming and/or down-to-earth
• my attitude from ages 13-19
• some really bad dates, especially the one with Scabby Leg Guy (I still don't believe that could happen playing soccer)
• owning acid-washed jeans
• taking almost half a season to get into Gossip Girl
• probably some truly meaningful things as well

But none of that compares to how much I regret giving many, many hours of my life last summer to a soul-sucking enterprise known as General Hospital: Night Shift.  Mallory and I not only watched every minute of the awfulness, we detailed them in recaps that almost drained us of the will to live.  If not for Jason Thompson appearing nearly naked in a shower on the first episode, we probably would have walked away from blogging forever.  That scene got us through a lot -- a lot -- of crappy ones that followed.

So why, then, am I optimistic for the new season of Night Shift that starts airing July 22nd?  Note: Your answer may not include "idiot," "drunk," or "your brain is more broken than Jason Morgan's."

Hear me out, you guys:  I really think there may be cause for positivity this time around!  My reasons include:

In Case You Missed General Hospital This Week

Here's a [paraphrased] recap of some of this week's events, to catch you up.  On all the boring boringness that bored every sane viewer into a bored state of boring boredom.

(Side note:  "Fun" fact discovered in the course of blog "research" this week, which says really all you need to know about our world today and why we are doomed:  Jason Morgan's Wikipedia entry is longer than Nelson Mandela's.)

Jax:  Where were you?  Are you feeling okay?
Carly:  Morgan and I just went to get ice cream.
Jax:  Pregnant women crave ice cream!
Carly:  Relax, Jax.  I told you, I'm not pregnant.  Why don't you hang out while I change clothes?
Jax:  Do you need help up the stairs?
Carly:  No.
Jax:  Are you sure?  Pregnant women need help up the stairs!
Carly:  I'm okay, thanks.
Jax:  Are you going to change into another shirt because your current one is too tight around your fetus-protecting midsection?
Carly:  Uh, no.  I was outside in New York in June; I'm sweaty. 
Jax:  Pregnant women sweat!
Carly:  Yeah.  So...changing.
Jax:  Pregnant women go through lots of changes!
Carly:  You're giving me a headache.
Jax:  Pregnant women get headaches!
Carly:  You're stressing me out; I'm feeling nauseated.
Jax:  Pregnant women get nauseated!
Carly:  Right.  So, anyway, I'm going upstairs.  I think I'll take a bath, too.
Jax:  Pregnant women take baths!  Should we consider a water birth?!
Carly:  Sure.
Jax:  So you're saying you are pregnant!
Carly:  No.
Jax:  Pregnant women are often in denial at first!
Carly:  Oh my god, kill me now.
Jax:  Pregnant women are sometimes depressed!

Carly: I'm pregnant, and it could be Sonny's or another guy's who is superior in pretty much every way to Sonny, but I told Sonny it's Jason's.
1998: You two-timing bitch!

General Hospital Week in Review

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I had predicted that General Hospital would win the best drama series Emmy, pretty much since the nominations came out.  (You can never go wrong underestimating the taste and intellect of award show voters!)  That may be why I haven't gone completely postal about it.  I'm having a reasonable person's reaction, by pretending it didn't happen.  Wait, that's not true, the reasonable person doesn't even watch the Daytime Emmys.  So, I guess I'm having as reasonable a reaction as I can to something as inexplicable as this terrible show being named the best in daytime.  That being said, this Week in Review is going to focus (mostly) on the things that didn't suck last week.  (I know what you're thinking -- cool, quick read!)  There were no serious felonies or misogynistic moments, so it was better than many weeks.  And sure, there was at least one partial character assassination (Alexis -- she and Jerry are getting a separate post, y'all), but nothing that made me get super ragey or yelly.  There will be lots of that coming up, though, so I need to rest up.

Lest you think I've gone soft, or started smoking the truly good stuff that Emmy voters obviously do, I have not forgotten that this show often seems like the only thing it is excellent at is being terrible.  I cannot improve on Mallory's summary of the last year's GH abominations when the nominations were first announced, so I'm going to be lazy and just quote her:

But that show seems downright brilliant compared to General Hospital, which I have come to conclude is not meant to be entertainment but, rather, serves merely as a vehicle for the powers-that-be to give the finger to their actors, their audience, people who have heard of General Hospital, people who work at hospitals and the person who invented the television. Because the fact that this EFFING SHOW was rewarded with a chance to be called Outstanding Daytime Drama in a year that brought us the firing of Stuart Damon and his subsequent humiliation via tracksuits, the intelligence insulting reveal that James Craig is Jerry Jacks, two ridiculous trials that showed us exactly how little the writers care about logic or the real world, ongoing blatant disrespect of Genie Francis, the rape of a character being played as him breaking his marriage vows in a hilarious way, the out of nowhere obsession Robin had with having a child, the violent murder of Emily Quartermaine, Emily's happy ghost, obvious rewrites of stories that weren't good to start with, the violent murder of Georgie Jones, a shitty spinoff and Steve Burton's hair, amongst other atrocities, is so unspeakably wrong that I don't even know how to process it.

Denial is how I'm processing the win, clearly.  Denial.

Lucky and Sam are adorable together.  If you had told me a year ago that I'd be typing that, I would have looked at you like you thought General Hospital was the best soap on the air.  But it's true, and their Mexican adventure was easily the highlight of the week.

"Lucky, it's called cleavage, and it's the best weapon we've got."  Words to live by, girlfriend.  (Aw, and that reminds me, Sam's delight at Lucky calling her his girlfriend was cute.)

They're even cute camping.  Camping!  I don't think I've found camping adorable since The Parent Trap, and I'm pretty sure that was only because it was mixed with gaslighting the bitchy potential stepmom.

Plus, Sam was in full makeup and wore gigantic 4" wood-heeled sandals throughout the camping scenes!  So soapy.

Now that they're back in Port Charles, I just hope Sam and Lucky remain entertaining.  Almost nobody else does, but you know, hope springs eternal.

There was one off moment:

Sam: ...I think it must be the jet lag.
Lucky:  No no no -- we didn't change time zones.

Really?  Between Mexico and New York?  Yes, you did.

This is the kind of thing I don't get.  It's summer.  Does GH not have at least one intern?  Who can operate that really tricky technology known as Google?  College students will do literally anything for money, and they'll even do most of it for free!  I don't understand.  Is there no quality control at all on the writing of this show?  Can Awesome Writer not be assigned to proofreading?   S/he gets little else to do.

Oh, right, positive.  I'm supposed to be positive.  Um...Maxie wore a cute outfit!

Daytime Emmys Recap: The Lesser of Two Evils

The mood today at Serial Drama is pretty somber, as we're both in mourning. We're sad for the deserving people who lost. We're sad for everybody who sat through that terrible show with us.

And most of all, we're sad that Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps have earned themselves even tighter job security by winning an award they had absolutely no right to even be nominated for. It's just...wrong.

Comparing people to the utterly vile Heidi and Spencer of The Hills has become shorthand for describing true awfulness. But how does MTV's gruesome twosome stack up against the duo currently running General Hospital into the ground?

poll by twiigs.com

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza

Becca (8:00:35 PM): Oh no, they're opening with a sketch.  This is going nowhere good.
Mallory (8:00:46 PM): A sketch! Oh, Cameron Mathison! If only he didn't play daytime's most odious character
Mallory (8:01:21 PM): Did she just sniff Thorsten Kaye? Do you know how many people would pay for that honor?

Mallory (8:03:02 PM): This is easily the best AMC related thing to happen in months, by the way. Make of that what you will
Becca (8:03:17 PM): Is that a laugh track?  Live people aren't actually finding this amusing, right?
Mallory (8:03:52 PM): Maybe they took a cue from Bryan Dattilo and got a little sloshed
Becca (8:04:14 PM): He is a smart man.

Becca (8:04:39 PM): Hey, I just realized, why did we see like eight Days actors, yet no James Scott?
Becca (8:04:43 PM): That is unacceptable.
Mallory (8:04:48 PM): It's criminal!

Mallory (8:05:16 PM): The split second glimpse of Ellen and Portia was better than anything we saw on the entire pre-show
Becca (8:05:41 PM): I missed them!  Did Ellen dress like Col. Sanders again this year?  Because that was fun.

Becca (8:05:55 PM): Oh no, this year she's Zorro.
Mallory (8:06:44 PM): I am already sick of Ricky Paull Goldin and Beth Ehlers and she hasn't even started airing yet
Becca (8:07:13 PM): Why?  It's not like ABC has been pimping her out like she's a streetwalker tonight, or anything.

Becca (8:07:34 PM): My god, was that just a three-minute AMC commercial those three just "spontaneously" did?
Mallory (8:07:48 PM): I think it was. Brian Frons has no shame

Becca (8:08:07 PM): The Table Cam might be a worse idea than last year's viewer videos.  I didn't think that was possible.
Becca (8:08:19 PM): Laura Wright looks spectacular.
Mallory (8:08:22 PM): Laura Wright looks fab

Mallory (8:08:34 PM): But she and Sarah Brown don't look like they are supposed to be at the same event

Becca (8:08:41 PM): Sarah Brown's hair and makeup are great, but that dress is very goth prom.

Becca (8:09:00 PM): And Tony Geary does the shiny suit weird tie thing again.  Sigh.  I love him anyway.
Mallory (8:09:45 PM): I'm really glad that we didn't get to see him during the pre-show! Seeing Jordan Pruitt was way more important than being able to mock his shiny suit an hour ago
Becca (8:10:14 PM): Right.  That Frons guy sure is smart.
Becca (8:10:19 PM): Gina Tognoni wins!

Becca (8:10:32 PM): She seems awesome, so I'm happy for her.  Heather Tom does not look happy for her.

Mallory (8:10:51 PM): Heather Tom's bitchface was just a thing of beauty. Yay for Gina, though!
Becca (8:11:13 PM): Why did she have to thank God first?  I hate that.
Becca (8:11:43 PM): I think Heather Tom must be thanking God they panned away from her so fast.
Mallory (8:11:47 PM): It always makes me uncomfortable when they do that
Becca (8:12:50 PM): I want to hear one of the losers in the post-interview be like "I totally would have won, if only God hadn't been in such a pissy mood."
Mallory (8:13:30 PM): Right? "Whatever, this was rigged! I'm still being punished for stealing gum when I was six!"

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza: Red Carpet Arrivals

And...we're off!  We will update this post and the ceremony one throughout the night, with our live blogging chat and then with screencaps/photos.  Please keep checking back for updates; you never know what fashion triumph or tragedy will greet you.

Becca (6:02:30 PM): OMG IT'S STARTING!!!
Becca (6:02:32 PM): Ahem
Mallory (6:02:45 PM): EEEEEE!!!
Mallory (6:02:58 PM): SOAPNet really ought to pay for a better voiceover person. She could not sound more bored
Mallory (6:03:13 PM): I am appalled that Sam Champion is making an appearance.
Becca (6:03:25 PM): WTF?  No, Rebecca Budig, no.

Becca (6:03:35 PM): That dress looks like she's being disemboweled.
Mallory (6:03:53 PM): This is what I don't understand: you are rich. You are famous. You look like Rebecca Budig. And that's the dress you choose?
Becca (6:04:15 PM): Seriously, that pink...thing on the red satin looks like intestines.  Why, why, why?
Becca (6:04:29 PM): On the other hand, Finola Hughes looks fantastic.

Mallory (6:04:38 PM): She really does!
Becca (6:04:48 PM): On the other other hand, Ricky Paull Goldin looks like a waiter.
Mallory (6:04:56 PM): How can you be rising at the same time as being a superstar?

Becca (6:05:15 PM): And how can you be a superstar if I've never heard your name?  Wait, don't answer that, I know I'm unhip.
Becca (6:05:21 PM): You kids and your pop stars
Mallory (6:05:35 PM): Do not blame this on my generation! Some of us have taste
Becca (6:06:03 PM): Some of you who aren't famous?
Mallory (6:06:49 PM): I don't understand the purpose of what is happening right now. Why is she singing? Why are people pretending to care?

Mallory (6:07:17 PM): And why is SOAPNet doing a small split screen for the red carpet arrivals? Are they so inept that they are capable of ruining the concept of a red carpet show?
Becca (6:07:27 PM): Did you really have to ask that?
Becca (6:07:44 PM): Is this girl Brian Frons' niece or something?
Mallory (6:08:21 PM): I am not mentally ready to start thinking about Night Shift
Mallory (6:08:47 PM): And I keep getting distracted by Rebecca Budig's HORRIBLE hair and the...organ looking ornamentation on her dress. Please make it stop.
Becca (6:08:57 PM): Rebecca Budig's dress is a crime against all that is good and right in the world [James Scott].
Becca (6:09:17 PM): I know.  But now that I found out that Tristan Rogers and Antonio Sabato Jr. are going to be on it, I'm almost...optimistic.  I can't believe I just said that.
Mallory (6:09:57 PM): I love the Shoe Cam! It appeals to me at my shallowest

Becca (6:10:21 PM): Seriously.  I want one for when I go out with friends.  "Lisa is wearing a Fendi black patent slingback..."
Mallory (6:11:19 PM): I do not like Farah Fath's necklace at all

Becca (6:11:55 PM): Yeah, she looks great except for the giant crucifix that even 1989 Madonna would be all "oh no, that's OTT"

Mallory (6:12:23 PM): Her makeup looks good, though, and it's way subtle for her
Becca (6:12:56 PM): Well, pancake is way subtle for her, but yeah, she does look great

Mallory (6:13:59 PM): Adrienne Frantz is distractingly skinny. And the hair...sorry, I can't say anything negative about her just in case she's still dating Jason Segel and can introduce me to James Franco
Becca (6:14:23 PM): You like him?  You've kept that so quiet. 
Becca (6:14:28 PM): Except for the billboard, I mean.
Becca (6:14:34 PM): And the mocked-up wedding announcements.
Mallory (6:14:56 PM): I like to plan ahead so that our wedding is all taken care of, just in case it happens
Mallory (6:19:43 PM): I know Sherri Shepherd thinks the world is flat or whatever, but her role as Angie on 30 Rock has earned her a lifetime free pass from me. She's adorable

Becca (6:20:54 PM): Oh, we are going to brawl, Mal -- she bugs the crap out of me.
Becca (6:21:05 PM): Seriously, she thinks the world is flat!
Mallory (6:21:38 PM): But she's hilarious with Tracy and Kenneth the page!
Becca (6:21:59 PM): You know I adore 30 Rock, but no.  She bugs me!
Mallory (6:22:10 PM): Whatev!
Mallory (6:22:20 PM): Finola talks like three miles a minute and I find it endlessly endearing
Becca (6:22:34 PM): She has the inflections of a 15-year-old.  It's hilarious.
Becca (6:23:07 PM): Heather Tom's makeup is fabulous, and her hair is a huge improvement over last year's terrible ponytail, but I'm not sold on the dress.  And I really liked Jack on Project Runway!

Mallory (6:23:12 PM): Could SOAPNet BE more inept? This is pathetic. The local access channel runs smoother
Becca (6:23:39 PM): The only clip they've had ready to roll was that horrible "behind the scenes" piece with Cameron and Sherri.  And I've seen more interesting driver ed films.

Mallory (6:23:55 PM): Her hair and makeup look gorgeous. I don't like the bodice of the dress, but I love the color

Becca (6:24:22 PM): The color is beautiful.  I have a feeling it will look better in still shots, too.
Becca (6:24:37 PM): It's not a disaster or anything.  I just expected to be wowed.  Wow me, people! 

Don't Forget: Live-Blogging the Emmys Tonight

We know you all must be as excited about the totally relevant and truly merit-based Daytime Emmy awards as we are, but in your giddiness please don't forget to click on over to Serial Drama this evening for our Second Annual Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza!  We'll start red carpet coverage with the SOAPNet pre-show at 6pm EST, then cover the ceremony starting at 8pm EST.  Screencaps will go up throughout the night.  Bring on the fashion disasters and unjustified winners!

(Last year's red carpet and ceremony live blogging, for those who missed it or who need an Emmy fix before tonight.)

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In our most recent Soap Opera Digest column, we were all about the Daytime Emmys. After the jump, our thoughts about the nominations, our outrage over several snubs, our fervent hope that two certain shows don't walk away with the title of Outstanding Daytime Drama and a plan to make Kirsten Storms a faux Emmy to call her own.

"Creatively Bankrupt Hack" Doesn't Even Do It Justice

Remember when The Sixth Sense came out and the world was like, "Wow! That was pretty great! M. Night Shyamalan is going places"? And then he made Unbreakable and the world was all, "...okay. I see what he was going for". And then came Signs and we all thought to ourselves, "Water? Really? That's the best you can do?". And then when he did The Village we were like, "Seriously, is he just screwing with us"? And then we saw The Lady in the Water and we were all, "SERIOUSLY, STOP IT. JUST STOP. YOU ARE HORRIBLE".

And then he made The Happening which, by all accounts, is just terrible on every level and has been referred to as the most embarrassing thing Mark Wahlberg has ever done, which is a list that includes the Planet of the Apes remake and the Funky Bunch, and you take a break from your anger with M. Night Shyamalan for sucking and get mad at the people who keep giving him the money and the power to make these movies. Like, is he just allowed to coast on The Sixth Sense for the rest of his career? "He made that one good movie ten years ago! Let's throw some more money at him!"

That's kind of the point I'm at with Bob Guza and the brass at ABC Daytime. As much as I hate what Bob Guza is doing--and I do. Oh, how I do--I am equally mad at the people who just keep letting him do it. Look, ABC people, I know that Clink!Boom was a great moment. But that is one scene over the course of a decade spent decimating a show. Are those few seconds, and the rare scenes over the ensuing years that haven't been horrible, REALLY enough to make you overlook the fact that you are hemorrhaging viewers? Because if it is...how do I get a job working for you? I'm kind of interested in going into a line of work where I can tell the same exact story over and over, and do it POORLY, and still have ironclad job security.

After the jump: the GH spoiler that has me all ranty.

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review

Every time I see the beginning of a preview for a new Adam Sandler movie, I think, well, at least it won't be worse than [insert name of second most recent Sandler movie here].  And nothing could be worse than The Waterboy.  But then, somehow, the latest Sandler movie almost always is worse than the last.  It's downright vexing.  Every once in a while a Punch Drunk Love will come along and surprise me, but that's rare.  Mostly it's more like my most recent experience, sitting in a theater with the bad taste of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry still fresh in my mouth six months after being subjected to it on cable, shocked that this Zohan travesty appears to be even worse, adding the tangy twist of racism to the already heavy flavor of homophobia left over from the last movie. 

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this:  Every week of General Hospital is like a new Adam Sandler movie.  Except without the possibility of one good stomach-hurting laugh (yes, there is usually one), and with a much higher likelihood of bloody assaults and homicides.  (I am totally fine with endless non-bloody assaults involving, say, Bob Barker.  But realistic bloodiness I can only tolerate in small doses, which GH usually exceeds in the first week of any given year).  I stick around every week, in truth, only because I'm paid to.  Occasionally I get rewarded with Awesome Writer throwing us a Punch Drunk Love-esque bone in the form of a scene that is actually engaging, but for the most part, at the end of a Friday episode, it's just me looking at my TV screen with the same expression I have at the end of 90% of Sandler's movies.

That was the extended version of my now-standard introduction to these Week in Reviews.  The condensed version is:  This show sucks.

Reminder:  these two are brother and sister.

These two adult roommates, who gaze at each other and participate in touchy-feeliness that includes but is not limited to neck rubs, are brother and sister.  I'm just...saying.  Also, in true sibling tradition, the sister is paying someone to seduce her brother away from his girlfriend.

 

Claudia: I will pay you ten thousand dollars to seduce my brother John.  I'll give you twenty thousand dollars if you can get Lulu to catch you in the act.

I hate this show so much.  They have exactly ONE tolerable female character in this age group, and they are making her a hooker. (Actually, am I misremembering, or will this now be the second time Maxie has agreed to sleep with a guy in exchange for money from someone else?  It's not only misogyny, it's redundant misogyny; it's everything that General Hospital is all about.)  I was totally outraged and all puffed up to blog about it, but then she wore a really fabulous dress and it calmed me down.

Plus, Lulu -- who I officially hate now, daughter of Luke and Laura or not -- looks horrible right next to her.  I love a catty juxtaposition.

Maxie's dress could not be cuter if it were a puppy in a toilet paper commercial.  Lulu's t-shirt appears to have a pixelated tie-dyed pattern accented by a sequined fruit basket on one boob.  I know none of the words in that last sentence appear to go together, but there they are.  And I know Lulu is supposed to have bad taste in clothes (Giselle mocking her fashion sense was amusing), but you can show that without offending one of my most important senses with that level of ugliness.

Say What You Will About Him (Cursing Allowed!), the Man Is Consistent

On days like these I need to rely on Friends quotes.  General Hospital, "today, it's like there's rock bottom, then fifty feet of crap, then" you.

Kate: Did Giselle say something to upset you?
Sonny:  She could...Look, she couldn't if she tried.  I don't give a damn about that bitch.  The reason I excused myself is that I didn't want to bang her head against the table there.  You know, 'cause I don't think that's a good thing.

...and the previously empowered, in-possession-of-a-spine Kate Howard not only didn't say anything, she SMILED and then THANKED Sonny for noticing what a bitch Giselle was and then SWEETLY KISSED him goodbye before heading back to the party.  Is everything short of "lying whore" fair game now? 

I hate this show more than these writers hate women.  Yes, seriously.  That much.

Our Column in the 6/17 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Be sure to pick up a copy of the June 17th issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today. In this month's My Take/My Take, Too, Becca and Mallory take on the Daytime Emmy award nominations and share their thoughts on the biggest snubs, the most outrageous nods and their fervent hope for red carpet awesomeness. This marks the offical start of our second annual Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza, so make sure to stop by over the coming days for Emmy posts, polls and predictions leading up to the show on Friday, June 20th.

General Hospital Week in Review

There was less stupidity last week than the couple of weeks before that.  Don't get me wrong, there was still lots of stupidity.  There was just . . . less.  By a little bit.  And there were a couple of good fights, which were awesome.  People arguing dramatically about ridiculous situations that will never happen in my regular life is one of the main reasons I love soaps.  Well, it's one of the main reasons I used to love soaps.  I think the love is gone now, replaced by a kind of melancholy tolerance.  But "We mock soaps out of melancholy tolerance.  And hate.  But mostly melancholy tolerance." is a really shitty slogan and wouldn't fit on our banner.

Aaanyway, GH had a week of episodes that I suppose must be reviewed.

Is there a carefully orchestrated campaign to wear me down and make me feel sorry for Spinelli?  First, Sonny -- great man and father that he is -- beat up Spinelli, a dorky man-child about half Sonny's age, without provocation.

You stay classy, Sonny Corinthos.  (I adored Maxie telling Sonny off afterwards.  Get on your with tiny, bitchy, slightly squeaky self!)

Then, Spinelli was all devastated that didn't have sex with Maxie,

which was sad.  So I did start to pity him a bit. 

But then I saw his hair and I crept back into the familiar warm embrace of total annoyance.

People, that is INSANE.

Breaking Up Isn't Really That Hard To Do

Did you ever break up with a guy, and your friends are crazily supportive so they take you to a great dinner, get you a spa certificate, offer to kick him in the shins, etc.?  And you indulge them a little bit because they're being so sweet (and you would do many things, some illegal, for a good facial), but secretly you just want to run through the streets screaming "Thank the lord I am finally free!!!"?

If you have, then you know how Jason Morgan feels.  Because he's in the midst of a breakup with his longtime life business partner, and he may be putting on a front about how tough it is, but let me tell you, he is sooo over that bitch.

Oh, Sonny.  Jason's so over you, I'm beginning to wonder whether he was ever under you.  (Even Ross Gellar is cooler than Sonny at this point, BTW.)

1, 2, 3, 4, I Declare This a Dumbass Blog War

You know how there are soapy stories that, while imperfect in execution, sound decent in theory?  (Like for example, the big Brady/DiMera arc on Days that kind of petered out last summer?)  So that when it doesn't turn out well, you just kind of write it off as a risk that didn't pay off?  As opposed to those that were so bad from conception onward that you'd consider submitting the storyline as evidence in a trial entitled Worst Ideas In the History of the Universe versus Innocent Soap Viewers?  Yeah, so . . . guess which side of the fence this "Patrick and Robin, respected doctors and expectant parents, get into a pissing contest via video blog posts instead of actually having a relationship and demonstrating any emotional growth whatsoever" story falls on?

All I can say is that you all are very lucky that yesterday 1) news broke that George Clooney is once again single, and 2) during So You Think You Can Dance they showed a preview for Joshua Jackson's new fall show, confirming that I can legitimately allow my Pacey crush to continue unabated into my mid-30s.  Because without the calming, life-affirming effect of those two events, this post would basically just be expletives and punctuation.  (E.g., "Who the hell runs this sucktastic excuse for a soap effing opera and how hellishly bad to they have to fuck it up in order to get their burned-out asses fired?!?!?!?!?!")  But like I said, none of that!  George, Josh, and lots of alcohol have me prepared to tackle this storyline with minimal cursing and only appropriate usage of exclamation points.

So, I'm sure I don't need to catch any of our readers up on the broad strokes, but just in case:  Dr. Patrick Drake is a neurosurgeon; he fixes broken brains for a living.  It's way impressive.  His hobbies include fearing commitment, bantering, befriending sleazy guys, being hot, resenting his father, flirting, and alternately adoring, fighting with, and making up with Dr. Robin Scorpio. Dr. Robin Scorpio is, well, she's a doctor who used to specialize in some kind of brain research, but now she's a combination of ER physician and neurosurgeon.  Much like her alleged soulmate, she's way impressive too.  Her hobbies include being adorable, missing her invisible father, tolerating her mother's wacky exploits, hanging out with her girlfriends, getting ill-advised haircuts, planning to store her baby in a closet, being brave, having chemistry with Jason that reminds me of a time when I used to love this show, and alternately adoring, fighting with, and making up with Dr. Patrick Drake.

Oh, and I probably should have mentioned that these two characters are involved in the first HIV-positive pregnancy storyline in the history of daytime and are played by actors that have insanely good chemistry and have handled everything they've tackled awesomely.

So if you're a writer on General Hospital, what do you do with these two great characters at this juncture of such a significant story?  Well, after making them have the same argument (about commitment, in case you've been comatose) since 2006, you have them engage in a blog war.  There was no error in that sentence -- A GODDAMNED BLOG WAR.  Okay, that was a bit of profanity.  George and Josh do not approve.  Let's let this glorious story speak for itself:

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review: Stupidity Is the Only Winner

Do you sometimes wonder whether General Hospital is some kind of social experiment, in which we as viewers are being tested as to how much horribly crappy un-soapiness we can be subjected without going postal and storming the studio?  It seems like a risky strategy, but it makes far more sense than the alternative possibility, which is that there are people putting this show on the air who actually think it's good.  I've exhausted so many adjectives describing GH in recent years, but my thesaurus is now empty.  I'm just exhausted by the stupidity.

I want to go rescue all the actors from this awful writing.  We could have a giant happy hour with a drinking contest about who was subjected to the stupidest storyline:  "I got shot in the uterus!"  "I had to act like Sonny was still sexy!"  "I had a blog war with my neurosurgeon boyfriend!"  "I called sexual assault adultery!"  "I had 27 different life stories and I still never asked who my father is!"  "I was a wisecracking ghost in tracksuit!"  "I had to pretend being married to Carly was a good thing!"  "I had to act like Australian and British are the same!"  "I was simultaneously a hitman AND the hero of the show!"  "I miscarried a pillow!"  "I was a tumor!"  "I had to seem like I wasn't attracted to Lucky!"

Who would win?!  Oh, dear readers, let's get real:  This is General Hospital.  There are no winners here. 

The best thing to happen in weeks was a rerun yesterday because of Memorial Day, in that no new offensive or stupid material could be foisted on the viewing public.  Happy holiday weekend, America.

My god, the saga of Michael and The Really, Really, Reeeaaaallly Long Goodbye just about did me in.  There were some good performances, but I swear there were about eight consecutive episodes of people sitting by Michael's bedside, grieving him and cursing the mob.  You'd think the latter point would perk me up, but 1) it is impossible to be perked up in the midst of a story about a 12-year-old in a permanent vegetative state after getting shot in the head, and 2) I know damned well there will be no long-term anti-mob consequences from all this, because I'm not new.

Anyway, Carly and Jason said goodbye to Michael.

Laura Wright and Steve Burton were really good in those scenes.

Bobbie said goodbye to Michael.

Jackie Zeman was good (if a bit immobile) in that scene.

Sonny said goodbye to Michael.

Maurice Benard was . . . there. 

And after Carly and Sonny transported their adolescent son to a long-term care facility where he will spend the rest of his life (or the few months until he is miraculously cured and SORAS'd), they did what any two reasonable adults in horrible pain with loving significant others at home waiting for them would do.

I have to put this after the jump, you guys, because I wouldn't want some innocent 'net-surfing person to happen upon these photos without intending to land there.  It's just not fair.

She's Got Her Sights Set On Him . . . Unfortunately

I might be able to discuss the Carly/Sonny hookup for real at some point in the near future (I'm already focused on the silver lining:  Jax may finally be free!), but right now, I'm in that place where only a song will suffice.  To the tune of Miley Cyrus' See You Again:

I've got my sights set on him
And I'm ready to aim
I have a brain that will
Never be trained
I knew he was something special
When he shot my head
Now I can't wait to divorce him again

I've got a way of doing
Exactly what's wrong
No matter what low I sink to
They say I'm brave and strong
And praise my great wardrobe
And my whisperin' all day long
So I can't wait to divorce him again

Every time we hook up
It turns out really bad
We get together then
He throws glassware when he's mad
Should I have learned by now
Some ask what's wrong with me
But if you watch you know
"Oh she's just being Carly!"

This one time we hooked up
I cheated on hot Jax
Damn those black sheets of satin
Whoa, whoa, I
I can't wait to divorce him again

I get this crazy feeling
Deep inside
When he calls me whore or bad mother
Day and night
I'm not a mind reader
But I'm reading the signs
That he can't wait to shoot me again

Every time we hook up
It turns out really bad
We get together then
He throws glassware when he's mad
Should I have learned by now
Some ask what's wrong with me
But if you watch you know
"Oh she's just being Carly!"

The next time we get hitched
I'm sure it will work out
They say fifth time's a charm
Whoa, whoa, I
I hope this time he aims for my arm

I Know I Called You a Piece of Crap Excuse for a Soap Opera, and All That

I just . . . this show makes me want to do bad things.  Sure, just to certain people, and in retaliation for specific offenses, but isn't that how all organized crime gets started?  It's a slippery slope.

Claudia: Oh, you're in a foul mood, huh?  Looking for trouble?
Sonny: You know, I have not been fair to you.  I know I called you a lying whore, and all that.