Serial Drama

I've Lost That Loving Feeling

Due, perhaps, to her adorable friendship with Maxie, or the fact that she works best as a singleton and has been single until her promising romance with Dominante, or Julie Marie Berman substantially toning down the smug face, I found myself liking Lulu again in recent months for the first time in YEARS.

And then Lulu found out Dominante's two secrets and I was reminded why the words I most often associate with the character are "vile", "shrieking", "shrew", "smug", "bratty", and "pout": because HOLY HELL, this girl is a judgmental asshole with a superiority complex and no moral compass.

Lulu: Now you've gone from a warning to overkill, because even if I did believe that Sonny would kill you, there is no way under any circumstances that he would ever hurt Olivia.

Yes, because there are no cases on record of Sonny ever lashing out and physically or emotionally hurting a woman who he felt betrayed him, except for that one case known as "Every relationship Sonny has ever had".

Lulu: Sonny trusts Dominic Pirelli. He depends on you. You guard his children. In Sonny's book, that is a huge compliment. But officer Dante Falconeri is betraying him. You are lying to his face. You are gathering evidence from his house that could put him in prison. If I know all of this and I don't warn him, then I'm betraying him as much as you are.

Is she for real?

Lulu: But the system can work both ways. And I was brought up not to trust it. And Sonny has done a lot of good for Port Charles. He bought a whole wing of the hospital for AIDS patients to be treated with or without insurance. He's donated millions of dollars to the head trauma unit that Carly started. He's done a lot of good for a lot of people over the years.

To recap: criticism of Sonny is not allowed, under any circumstances, because he helped take care of Stone and supports AIDS patients. And because he donated money to the head trauma unit started in honor OF HIS OWN SON? I'm not even going to mention the fact that his son had head trauma because he was shot in the head during a botched hit on Sonny's life, but, really, we're awarding prizes for Sonny donating money to his child's foundation?

Lulu: Why did you bring me here? Are you trying to impress me with how brave you are? Because Sonny's office is right there. I could walk right in and tell him the truth, and then you wouldn't make it out of here.

Lulu: Really? 'Cause if you could lie to Sonny and Morgan and all the other people in the organization, people who put their lives on the line for you, who depend on you to keep them safe, why should I believe a word out of your mouth?

I certainly don't want this show to become MORE violent, so I won't say anything like, "Is there any reason why Lulu can't be used in a mobster's target practice?" I will just glare angrily at my TV and curse the writers, which is pretty much what I do after every episode of GH anyway, but at least this time I have a specific reason for the glaring.

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime Confidential's Melodie Aikels chatted with daytime legend Kim Zimmer at the So Long Springfield event in Pittsburgh. Read Kim's thoughts on her legendary character. (Daytime Confidential)

With little to no air-time for our favorite couple we're back to creating puzzles at The Scrubs Hub. Come check out our latest word search!  (Scrubs Hub)

Serial Drama's guest-blogger Louise is lucky enough to watch the one ABC that is entertaining (on purpose, even!). She shares her take on the good, the bad, and the anger-making SORAS mess in Llanview. (Serial Drama)

Claudia's exit on GH had the wubqueen on the edge of her seat. For once things didn't play out like a bad B Movie. Kudos to all, especially the actors. (Wubs)

GH Knows Just What I Need

You know what I don't have enough of in my TV-viewing life?  A character I've watched grow up on screen since birth, now a 17-year-old girl, being called a "stupid bitch" and then getting backhanded by her boyfriend.

Thanks for filling that void, General Hospital!  Your misogyny and lack of creativity are always so well-timed.  And thank goodness we're going down this road with Kiefer and Kristina; nobody likes a fun teen romance on a soap.  Always with your finger on the pulse, showru[n/i]ners.

Fortunately, there was a little something to keep me from utterly hating today's GH...

Finally, A (So Bad It's) Good Episode Of This Show!

If you happen to meet me, and I tune out during our conversation, please don't take it personally--I will merely be reflecting upon the pure, unadulterated and wholly unintentional amazingness of the ending of today's General Hospital.

It was one of those soap moments where you can vividly imagine the episode's director wildly running to have the episode removed from his or her resume. Or you would be able to vividly imagine that, if you weren't busy laughing gleefully at how completely ridiculous this show is.

LUCKY, enraged: You're sorry? You're sorry?! You're sleeping with my brother. You agreed to marry me, Elizabeth, and you're sleeping with my brother!

LIZ, pleading: I'm so sorry.

NIKOLAS, in a manner far too casual for a person who, unless he was experiencing temporary deafness and missed Lucky and Liz's conversation, knows that his brother now knows the truth about Liz and Nik: ...what's going--

LUCKY: (Randomly whips out gun and shoots)

NIKOLAS: (Silently contemplates the fact that his brother just shot him--or maybe contemplates what to have Alfred make for dinner, because he doesn't seem at all shocked by this turn of events--for a full three beats)

NIKOLAS: (Suddenly airborn)

NIKOLAS: (Feet fly in the air)

I'm assuming that this is a (-n amazing, fantastic, perfect, awesome, hilarious) dream sequence. Which makes me doubly happy, because that means that the other highlights of today's episode--yes, I said highlights! When was the last time someone said "highlights" and "General Hospital" in the same sentence, aside from the oft-repeated lament, "I'd much rather read the classic children's magazine Highlights than sit through an episode of General Hospital"--actually did happen, unless it turns out that the episode was a dream sequence in its entirety...

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime Confidential's Melodie discusses Soap Done Good on ABC's One Life to Live (Daytime Confidential)

First look: "Venice" images and sneak previews at Michael Fairman Soaps. (Michael Fairman Soaps)

Guza may not acknowledge baby Emma's birthday, but he does listen and writes what the audience wants...in his own twisted way. (Scrubs Hub)

It's November in Port Charles, and we all know what that means: kidnapping, murder and liberal use of the word "whore". Oh, GH Sweeps. How we hate you. (Serial Drama)

The soaps goddess reaches out to General Hospital's Claudia Zacchara Corinthos. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Grammatical AND Moral Failure

There is so much I'd like to say.

Like, how cute Lulu and Dominante are together (or at least how cute they are until the fawning over Sonny starts). Or how great it is that Jax finally has a child. Or how Olivia can't decide if she wants to be awesome or loathsome, and went back and forth about ten times today. Or how stupid it is that Jason is covering up what happened to Claudia, because that will totally end well (well, it actually will end well for Jason, because things always do, but it will be a long, terrible time before it ends). Or, I don't know, give my two cents on the past eight weeks of The Young and the Restless (I am a terrible blogger. I know!).

But I cannot. Because:

Michael, distraught because he feels responsible for the fact that his mother was kidnapped and forced to give birth (after a high-risk pregnancy) in a random cabin in the woods: No, no. I should have warned you. I knew she was dangerous.

Sonny: That's not on you.

Michael, also distraught because he USED AN AXE TO KILL A WOMAN HOLDING A BABY: I could have stopped it!

Sonny, at the top of his lungs: You did! Tonight. You stopped her. YOU DID GOOD.

Mallory's brain, pushed to the breaking point: It's...actually you did w---::explosion::

All of my rational thought and keen wit (okay, fine, it's more like "keen" "wit") have been replaced by elevator music, and all I can do is sigh and stare vacantly and get a jump start on creating insults to hurl when this show wins another Emmy for writing next year.

The Mathematics of GH

I don't know if it's from a lack of sleep or the gradual death of my brain cells caused in no small part by prolonged exposure to the (non-OLTL) ABC soaps, but I have been completely oblivious to the world at large the past couple of weeks. We're talking "Walking into a wall...okay, fine, walls, and having long conversations only to realize after a few minutes that you have no idea what you've been talking about" oblivion. And I spent the better part of last Tuesday CONVINCED that it was Friday, and I wept bitter tears when I realized how wrong I was.

No matter what my mental state, I do, at least, know what month it is, because I've survived enough GH sweeps "events" to know that

(Hostage Taking + "You lying whore" + Police Ineptitude + Carly in peril) x 847 =

GH November Sweeps

Sigh.

I knew that Sonny's puzzled reaction to the truth about Claudia's involvement in Michael's shooting wouldn't last and that we'd be in for a spittle-filled diatribe at full volume filled with awkward pauses and/or an amazing, emotional performance, depending on what you thought about Friday's episode.

We live in an era of uncertainty, where it's always nice to have something reliable in the world that we can always count on. In Port Charles, we can always count on a stammer-filled tantrum complete with "bitch" "tramp" and "whore".

Sonny: Shut up! Thank God... For that car accident. Thank God that--that poor baby was never born to live in our lives. You got pregnant to cover your ass as an insurance plan [Thank you for FINALLY catching up with the rest of the world--Ed.]. Thank God you'll never bear my child.

Claudia: Our baby's death was a blessing? You sick, self-righteous son of a bitch. Go ahead, say whatever you want about me, whatever your little robot hitman tells you [Okay, fine, I begrudgingly give Claudia a few points for that one--Ed.]. Everybody in this room knows you let your kids run wild, you let your kids get shot at, and it's your damn fault that your son was in that warehouse in the first place!

Sonny: Shut up, you lying-- shut up, you lying whore! Don't you even mention my son after what you did to him! You psychotic piece of trash! Take her.

Why is the phrase "lying whore" a favorite of the writers? That's what Lucky called Liz after Jake's paternity secret was finally revealed and while this situation fits the phrase better than the Lucky/Liz one (if we're defining whore as someone who provides sex in exchange for a monetary payment or some other service---or candy!--I guess we can argue that Claudia provided sex in exchange for, um...genetic material with which to create a child to save her own life. And she DOES lie), I can't help but think of the endless possibilities for phrases that are more apt, and also more fun! Like "Deceitful, over-muscled crone". Or "Satan's shrieking mistress". Sonny always takes the easy way out, doesn't he?
 

Have I Lost All Ability To Fairly Judge This Show? (Not That Being Fair Is Important To Me)

So, after Friday's General Hospital I was appalled (even a little more so than usual, which hardly seems possible or mentally advisable), and I chatted with Mallory, who was also appalled.  The big "Claudia put the hit on Sonny that got Michael shot" reveal finally happened, and it was set up as a grand moment for Sonny -- the town hero, remember! -- to do what he does best, namely call his wife a whore and a bitch.  Gross.

But some people whose opinions I actually respect seemed to really like the episode, and Maurice Benard's performance in particular, so I am concerned that someone has swapped out my vitamin D supplements for crazy pills.  Therefore, in honor of election day (in like three states that have no impact on me whatsoever), I will take the time-honored stance of a politician and decide what I thought based on a poll. 

Did I hate Friday's episode because it was yet again Sonny held up as the long-suffering, much-aggrieved town leader while an (admittedly loathsome) woman was called every name in the Big Book of Misogyny and townspeople nonsensically stood around in their formalwear at a party most of them had no reason to be at (seriously, Patrick and Robin, what in the hell?) and did nothing while a known mobster confronted his known mobster wife who then kidnapped the known mobster's pregnant former wife leading up to the 3425th "woman in labor and danger at the same time!  THE SAME TIME!" GH story in the last five years?  Or was I thrilled to see Claudia finally be revealed as the homicidal maniac she is, with stellar performances from Maurice Benard and Sarah Brown that made me remember why I used to love this crazy show?

poll by twiigs.com

Soap Blog Coalition

Guiding Light and One Life to Live star Gina Tognoni dishes about her "exciting" return to One Life to Live with Daytime Confidential. (Daytime Confidential)

This week the Pine Valley Bulletin takes on the "big reveal" of Stuart's killer. *yawn* (Pine Valley Bulletin)

This week at The Scrubs Hub we have one simple question for you: What will happen next for Robin & Patrick? (Scrubs Hub)

The Serial Drama girls are longstanding Jonathan Jackson fans, but think it will take some time to adjust to him as Lucky again. No amount of time, however, will make them adjust to his beard. (Serial Drama)

Claudia's time is clearly running out of time in a big way these days in Port Charles...Sigh, if f I had a TRIGGER button on my remote control, Claudia would have been a done deal month's ago. (Soap Examiner)

Sunday Surgery finds the Wubqueen pondering the blow-ups offering clues to the Franco mystery. Could it really be all about Alkazar--AGAIN? What do you think? (Wubs)

I'm Trying to Restrain Myself From Making Numerous "Lucky" Puns

Nothing can sum up my complicated feelings on Jonathan Jackson's return as Lucky better than this image:

On the one hand: Jonathan Jackson! Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point!

On the other hand: Written by Bob Guza. Like, "...oh. Right. Well, this will be a debacle by the end of the episode."

And on a third, mutant hand: the scruff. I didn't get to watch yesterday's episode live (which was super disappointing!) (Please reflect for a moment on the fact that I was sad to not get the chance to watch General Hospital live and send all of your pity my way. Thank you in advance.), but Becca warned me about how hilarious it was. And oh, is it ever hilarious.

After I did watch yesterday's show, I agreed with B's assessment: underwhelming! And I was disappointed to feel that way, not least because I could almost feel myself circa 1997 giving present me an ice cold "Bitch, please" look. But it's true: after the initial "Eeee!!!" or seven, I started to worry that maybe this would be a complete clusterfuck.

And while it's possible that it may, indeed, become a clusterfuck in the near future--and since this is the Guza/Phelps era of GH we are talking about, it's less "possible" and more "probable"--I loved the Lucky scenes from today's episode without reservation. They put me in such a good mood that during the mob scenes, even though I was praying for death, I was doing it with a smile on my face!