Serial Drama

Happy Holidaze

At the risk of sounding like a shill for ABC, with the way I've been complimenting them left and right this week (hopefully the fact that I am still persnickety about some aspects of the show means that I've retained some semblance of street cred), the holiday episodes of both All My Children and General Hospital made me smile, almost from start to finish* no doubt because they featured two soap hallmarks: family get-togethers and cute children.

So super cute!

*Notable exceptions:

• Eric and Ryan ki...I can't finish that word, because I don't want to remember what I lived through. What we all lived through!
• Ryan once again using Greenlee's video to him to justify getting with someone instead of grieving for her (while, hilariously, Greens is actually alive and being tended to by creepy nurse Gayle).
• Ryan pawning his child off on a baby sitter so that he could be with Erica on Christmas Eve! Worst father ever!
• Do you think it's a coincidence that all of my exceptions have to do with Ryan?!

Shut it, Ryan.

This Truly Was the Episode I Never Saw Coming

Perhaps Awesome Writer phrased it as though he'd be doing Bob Guza a favor. "Why don't you let me handle this one, Bob? Then you'll have more time to work on your epic Steve Burton fanfiction."

Or maybe he bribed him with a platter of Christmas cookies, with a "I bet Sonny would love these. They're straight from Bensonhurst, via Entenmmans."

Or maybe he distracted all of the other writers with the complete series of Mr. Belvedere on DVD. Not that there's anything wrong with that--I think we can all admit that we'd drop whatever we were doing to watch that immediately.

Whatever charm or trickery Awesome Writer resorted to resulted in an episode where the good outweighed the bad for me. The gravelly-voiced, melodramatic man who does the promos for GH always promises a week that I "won't want to miss" and, judging from today's episode and the DVR description of tomorrow's, this is the week he meant! If he had just specified "The week of December 21st, except you will want to miss the show on the 21st", we all could have been saved a lot of heartache.

Most happily and most importantly, we were given crucial follow up regarding Liz and Lucky's Christmas tree situation. And instead of hearing delightful stories about the hilarious and adorable things Cameron did off-screen, we got to see him being hilarious and adorable!

I was so curious to see how Jonathan Jackson would interact with the boys, because one of the greatest parts of Greg Vaughan's Lucky was how fantastic he was with the kids. I am happy to report that Jonathan Jackson is similarly fantastic (perhaps unsurprisingly, since he has kids of his own, but still). When Cameron ran and hugged him, I felt all warm and happy inside. "This is what it's like when a soap makes you happy," I marveled. "And all it took was a spectacularly expressive child actor."

The cuteness continued as they picked out their Christmas tree, which Cam first wrote of as "weird", because it had a split at the top. Lucky was able to sell him on the weird tree, based on a secret that "Grandma Laura" once told him when he had a weird tree as a child.

Lucky: Can you keep a secret?

Cameron: Is the secret from Mommy? [I die. --Ed.]

Lucky: No, of course not. We don't keep secrets from Mommy.

Mallory: What's that sound?

GH Writers: High five! Get it, because Mommy has secrets from them? High five!

Mallory: I'm kind of sad that not even Awesome Writer knows what it means to be subtle.

Lucky: If you can find a tree that has a split at the top, Santa leaves an extra present. Did you know that?

Cameron: No.

Lucky: He knows it's a special tree.

ADORBS.

Jake, meanwhile, was talking so much that he had to be handed off to Becky Herbst so that Lucky and Cam could continue their conversation. He spoke more in those thirty seconds than his biological father has spoken since 1998!

Speaking of things that happened for thirty seconds...

I dorked out, a little bit.

Our Column in the 12/29 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

For our latest My Take/My Take, Too column, we took a look back at the highlights and lowlights of 2009 in soaps and share our thoughts on the Best and Worst of the year*. It appears in the December 29th issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today. We are kind of freaked out that it is already the end of December.

*Obviously, our thoughts about the year that was could fill up way more than two pages. Make sure to check back here next week for the rest of our Best and Worst of 2009 (um, not to kill the suspense or anything, but it's mostly worsts), as well as looks at the past year for all of our soaps.

Miss Manners Needs To Make a Comeback

My eyes have (barely) recovered from the plaid coat assault and my hearing is back intact after temporarily striking due to the words spoken during today's General Hospital. Do you know what it says about a show when a primary complaint is that the show causes the senses to stop functioning?! Well, mostly it means that the person doing the complaining is melodramatic and prone to hyperbole, but also that this show is home to more confusing, offensive and poorly written things than one single hour of television has any right to be.

In the interest of fairness, I should admit off the bat that there was a moment today that made me giddy. And no, it wasn't the back-to-boring Rebecca making plans to bid Port Charles farewell; it was even better. It was small, but it brought me such joy.

Elizabeth: Last year, Cameron spent three hours running around this place trying to pick a tree. This year, you and I will pick two or three, and he can make the final selection.

Lucky: Yeah. The best-laid plans.

Elizabeth: Oh, geez. Don't let him see this one.

Lucky: Why not?

Elizabeth: Well, because it's all bare on this side. Don't you remember the tree he picked last year because he felt sorry for it?

Is that not the greatest thing in the universe? Everything about Cameron Webber is delightful, from his adorability on-screen to the fascinating tidbits we learn about him from his parents. It's a nice reminder that there is a shining star who doesn't let the moral cesspool that is this town get him down.

Many other Port Charles residents could learn a lesson from Cam, because their sense of boundaries and common decency is seriously lacking!

Lisa: I get that Robin is still subjected to a whole lot of garbage from ignorant, small-minded people. I'm not judging her. But I can't believe you choose to keep quiet about something so huge in your life.

"I am so shocked, not to mention offended, that you didn't take it upon yourself to immediately notify your college girlfriend about your wife's medical condition! When you date someone in college, it bonds you for life, and you're entitled to know all about them for forever!'

To be fair to Lisa, it's entirely possible that she heard about how Patrick talked about another of his wife's medical conditions to everyone within earshot at the beginning of the year and that she's merely confused about this confidentiality thing starting now.

Patrick: Robin isn't sick, Lisa. We lead a very normal life.

Lisa: Except for the precautions you have to take while having sex, assuming you do have sex, and the baby wasn't born in vitro.

I'm trying to think of what kind of social disorder Lisa has that has led her to believe that interrogating her ex-boyfriend about his sex life and the conception of his child is appropriate. The first that comes to mind is Crazy Cakes, but I'm not sure if that's listed in the DSM-IV.

The One Thing This Show Won't Murder

The worst thing about winter, besides the snow, and the cold, and the days getting shorter, is that it's time for soaps to break out the heavy outwear which means that, for the third year in a row, Robin Scorpio is roaming about town in the hideous plaid coat of which I have an irrational, obsessive hatred.

Why?

 

 
 
I'd like someone to explain to me why the General Hospital writing staff refuses to acknowledge history, character motivation and events that unfolded on-screen earlier in an episode while the General Hospital wardrobe department is all, "Put Robin in a different coat?! No! This coat has been an essential part of the character for the past two years! It's who she is!"

There were many developments on today's GH that are crying out for discussion, and discuss them I will, once I gather the strength to re-watch a scene that irritated me so much that my ears intervened and wouldn't let me hear the rest of it. You know which scene I mean.

Today In James Franco News

A friend texted me last night, "Your imaginary boyfriend Joel McHale is talking about your imaginary boyfriend James Franco".

Yes, it's true! Like Cameron Mathison's thong before him, James Franco's Franco made his way to The Soup and Joel McHale asked the questions we've all wondered: why is he doing this? And how badly does Franco want to make out with Jason?

Edit: HUGE thanks to Katie for sending me the clip!

Here's what we know about the character James Franco is playing on General Hospital: he is an artist obsessed with photographing dead bodies, and wants to meet known gangster Jason Morgan. And when he meets him, he asks for nothing more than common decency.

(Shows clip of Franco being a kind host, offering Jason chips and dip)

There are six more layers in that dip than the complexity of that writing.

Joel, you don't even know the half of it!

(Looks at picture of James Franco) Did you lose a bet or something? Here's what we don't know: why is James Franco playing a character on General Hospital, and does his character want to kill Jason Morgan, or make love to him?

(Plays one of the more homoerotic Jason/Franco clips)

Those eHarmony first dates are always very awkward. (To James Franco's picture) Seriously, do you have a huge debt or something?

And! Tonight, James Franco hosts Saturday Night Live for the second time, proving that he has some sort of affection, or maybe pity, for shows with horrendous writing.

He was very funny the last time he hosted (I know I am not the most reliable judge of his performances, on account of the crazy, but he was!), so I am as optimistic as I can possibly be about an episode of SNL. Although if they do a Gilly sketch, all bets are off.

What Just Happened, and How Do I Feel About It?

Two facts:

• I was once told that I am so blinded by Rebecca Herbst's hair that I am unable to see the character of Liz for what she really is, and that I give her a pass on everything she does. I don't know if this is true, exactly, because I spent the entirety of the Jason/Jake paternity lie story doing a "back-burner" dance in hopes that it would end the story and lessen Liz's airtime
• I was informed by Simone and Mala's blogthat part of today's GH was rage-inducing, and I started to wonder if I should, like, "accidentally" delete the episode from my DVR, and make myself unavailable during the SOAPNet GH marathon, and block YouTube on my computer so that I'd never have to see it.

But I braved it and watched the full episode, and, dear readers, I am CONFLICTED.

However, there is one thing that I am not at all conflicted about, and it is the moment that Liz turned around and snapped at Rebecca "Why don't you shut the hell up, I'm not even talking to you!" and then she and Lucky made these faces.

The only reason to feel conflicted about that moment is being torn about whether to giggle with glee or cackle with delight.

Okay, so, back to my inner turmoil: Rebecca knows the truth about Liz and Nikolas and is planning to tell Lucky, and then Liz and Nikolas (who made a single douchey expression for the entire episode and I wanted to kick him in the face) interrupted and Rebecca made a smartass remark about Liz and Lucky's fairytale love, and shit got real, because Liz explained that their love started when she got raped.

Rebecca: Spare me, Lucky. I know all about the Four Musketeers. Emily's schoolgirl crush on Nikolas that turned into the love story for the ages. The magic of Elizabeth and Lucky.

Elizabeth: You know nothing. You want to know how all the magic got started? I was raped.

Did Elizabeth use her rape to shut Rebecca up, and did General Hospital use Elizabeth's rape in order to make her actions now more sympathetic? Or was it an appropriate response? This is why I need to have a point/counterpoint: "Uh, that was totally wrong" / "Liz was completely in the right (and also has shiny hair, which has nothing to do with her rightness in this situation".

Team Totally Wrong: Liz DESPERATELY wants to keep Rebecca's mouth shut about the fact that she's a brother fucker, as evidenced by the fact that she SPRINTED into Jake's to interrupt Lucky and Rebecca's conversation and spoke in a high-pitched, nervous "What, am I being weird? I'm not being weird! Ha! Ha ha! Is anyone else hot? Hey, look over there, a diversion!" manner, and told her a story almost guaranteed to get Rebecca's sympathy.

Team Completely Right: Really, the snide way that Rebecca mentioned "the magic of Elizabeth and Lucky" irked me to no end, and I don't really blame Liz for going the "Are you serious, you ignorant grifter bitch?" route, because really, as soon as she sneered that line, my head immediately jerked to my calendar to see how close we were to the end of Rebecca's time on this show. 

Revolution Nine

Now, forgive me if you already knew this, but

I just heard about this fantastic new movie that's coming out called

NINE! It's a musical, you guys, and it has an awesome cast, and awesome songs, and is the most awesome thing to ever happen in the history of the world, and luckily for us, it opens

Everywhere on Christmas!

It's not that I even mind the product placement. In order to survive, soaps need to make money somehow, and if the easiest way for them to do this is shilling for big budget, splashy movies that are under performing with critics, well fine! Pimp, pimp hooray!

But goodness, this product placement is supremely stilted and unnatural, and I know you're asking yourselves, "Mallory, All My Children and General Hospital's dialogue and storytelling are always stilted and unnatural. Why would they do a sudden about-face and start writing well for their advertisers?" And I don't have a retort for that, but come on!

General Hospital:

Coleman: Oh, yeah. It's for "Nine."

Kate: Fabulous. Very sexy.

Coleman: Yeah, especially Penelope Cruz.

Kate: Oh, so you like Penelope.

Coleman: Oh, honey, she makes my mustache curl. The idea of her sharing the screen with Kate Hudson, now that's--you know, I better not say.

Kate: Yeah, you better not. Men, so predictable.

Coleman: Why, did I mention that Sophia Loren is in the movie as well?

Kate: Sophia Loren. Well, now you surprise me, Coleman.

Coleman: I will have you know that I have seen every one of her movies. I mean, come on. She's one elegant broad.

Kate: Hmm. Well, the movie poster certainly classes up the joint.

Coleman: Baby, you class up the place.

Kate: So when does "Nine" open? Maybe I'll get tickets to the premiere.

Coleman: Ah, Christmas Day. Ho ho ho.

All My Children:

Krystal: Actually, I was planning on going out anyway. I was going to see that new movie Nine, the musical.

Tad: Yeah, that's supposed to be fantastic. Man, what a cast! Daniel Day Lewis, Kate Hudson. FERGIE! Penelope Cruz..mmm.

Krystal: The choreography's supposed to be great.

Cameraman: Let me take a moment to do an insane close-up of the newspaper ad for Nine, the musical, opening everywhere Christmas Day.  

Why even bother doing this in character? It would be WAY less irritating to to have Michael E. Knight and Bobbie Eakes break character and address the audience directly. Because Bobbie Eakes is adorable and wonderful, and I'd totally take a film recommendation from her, but Krystal isn't exactly the type of person we turn to for advice and if I were a petty, over-invested soap fan, I'd go out of my way to avoid things suggested by her. But I am not a petty, over-invested soap fan.

(I AM a petty, over-invested celeb water and I will therefore be avoiding this movie with every fiber of my being because I loathe Nicole Kidman)

They would have been able to go all out with the Fergie shoutout! It was cute that MEK stressed her name, but if they just broke the fourth wall, they'd have been able to appeal to Leo du Pres lovers directly by telling them/us to go see this movie because Josh Duhamel's wife is in it and that would make him happy!

Or at LEAST they could have had a scroll running at the bottom of the screen saying "PLEASE SEE NINE PLEASE SEE NINE JASON MORGAN IS AWESOME PLEASE SEE NINE". Why am I not in charge of ABC Daytime?!

Oh, well, at least Bobbie Eakes, MEK, Blake Gibbons and Megan Ward have scenes to put on their Emmy reels, because being able to do a Nine infomercial without cracking up is impressive, indeed.

*I know that One Life to Live also participated in the pimp-a-thon and I have no doubt that, while it may have been heavy-handed and lame, it was, like the rest of the show, miles ahead of its peers.

Wednesday's Show Is Full Of...Whoa!

Wednesdays have, for whatever reason, become the day that the General Hospital powers-that-be have reserved for being good soap, if last Wednesday and today are any indication. And you know what, normally I'd question this, and sneer derisively and wonder why they can only manage to take their heads out of their asses one day a week, but I don't want to jinx this relative upswing in quality, so I am not going to ask any questions!

All I know is that GH usually ends and I feel the urge to throw a shoe at my television in response to the angst and awfulness of the preceding hour, but today, all I could do was sit back and marvel at the (nearly) across the board great performances and good writing, develop a craving for Christmas cookies and use Scott Reeves's name in a game of MASH.

Yes, he's tiny and a bit overtanned, but he's so pretty

and yesterday, he wore glasses!

I make passes at men who wear glasses!

Anyway, as I was saying before I got distracted by the wee pretty, nearly every aspect of today's show delighted me. A show that involved copious amounts of Maxie and Spinelli, and Sonny, and Luke, at that. It's  shocking, no?

I mean, seriously, I'm usually good for a few (hundred) words of rage, but today, the only real complaint I had is my routine complaint about Maurice Benard's tortured line readings, two examples of which I did my best to transcribe below, but the bizarre spacing and pausing is much weirder when you hear it.

Sonny, to Michael: Your...motherprobably...s.....ent a rescue team.

Sonny, to Lucky: I saw...howyourd...ad felt

So many question marks! The biggest of all being what is happening to the world if this is the most glaring flaw in an episode?! Down is up, left is right, cops are good guys!

Brought To You By "Every Breath You Take"

I was originally going to title this entry, "Who do I have to kill to get a little romance on this show?", but I knew that the General Hospital writers have an answer to that question (Quartermaines) and I didn't want to encourage the writers to add more bodies to that mausoleum.

Today's GH was incredibly unsettling. And what is, perhaps, most unsettling of all is that the creepiest parts of the show had nothing to do with the show's cold-blooded murderers, but were about love! Or at least the dark, bastardized definition of love that the show has seized upon.

Nikolas, for example, has decided he should take advantage of Rebecca's blackmail and use the opportunity to get with Liz for real. A slightly paraphrased recap of their conversation:

NIKOLAS: So, great news, you know how Rebecca is a con artist and basically unstable? Well, it turns out that she's willing to keep our secret if we hook her up with Lucky. Win/win/win!
ELIZABETH: Why is that...no.
NIKOLAS: If we pair those two dweebs off, we'll have the chance to be together forever, or until I find a new married, engaged or otherwise attached woman to have a connection with.
ELIZABETH: No.
NIKOLAS: Is this about Lucky? Do you feel guilty?
ELIZABETH: YES, don't you?
NIKOLAS: ...meh.
ELIZABETH: I want to be with Lucky. It's the right thing to do for him, and for my boys...
NIKOLAS: Well, if it's the boys you're worried about, I've got one of those around...somewhere. With Alfred. Or...somewhere.

And then! This is not at all paraphrased:

Nikolas: You do not love him the way you love me.
Elizabeth: Don't tell me how I feel.
Nikolas: I don't have to tell you how you feel, because you already know it's written all over your face every time we're together.

We all know how she feels, because it's written all over her face every time they are together: she feels NAUSEOUS, Nikolas.

Seeing that his plan to convince Liz that she's in love with him wasn't going well, he threw a Hail Mary pass and confessed that he was so in love with her. He even attempted to muster up a lone teardrop! It was incredibly uncomfortable.

But the most uncomfortable moment came later:

Nikolas: Of course I feel guilty, I'm betraying my brother. It's a terrible thing to do, but--

Maybe it's just me, but that sentence shouldn't end with a but!

Nikolas: Just because he loves you doesn't mean I don't get to!

And with that immature tantrum, it became my greatest wish that someone put us all out of our misery by smothering Nikolas with his hideous, oversized coat.