Sorry, hit men. And your bosses. The ways you suffer. The manners in which people betraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay you. It's like, you murder (or try and fail, in Shawn's case) (a lot) (though not for much longer) a bunch of people, or you order someone else to murder a bunch of people, and look what happens! Your women turn out to be law enforcement. People lie to you about your identity. People try to get custody of your children. Folks lie about whether or not you fathered a child. All for just a bunch of silly murders! THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF LOVE.
I mean, love is never having to say you're sorry, right?
And yet, the people of Port Charles are constantly doing you wrong and then having to line up and apologize to you. They don't love you. You're the ones who understand love. Which means you will NOT apologize for what you "do for a living" or "who you are" or "doing a lot of murdery stuff all of the time." Like, how judge-y can these people be about a person's day job? We all need to make a living!
Also, life is a risk! We all risk our lives every morning when we get out of bed, so what's a little hail of bullets here and there? How does keeping someone away from that world maintain their safety in any way? WHY IS EVERYONE SO UPTIGHT. (We learned long ago where the real danger lies: DOORS.)
Really, the problem is clear: Women. They keep trying to impose their ridiculous "values" on everyone, which is just like a woman. But wear them down enough and they'll show their true colors and take your lead. There may have been a time that Alexis or Anna or Elizabeth or Jordan anyone else thought a murdery lifestyle was a bad thing, but as you can see, there's flexibility. Nobody really means that. Lead by example long enough and you'll even have women who've devoted their entire lives to justice turn into murderers right in front of your eyes! And if that woman is hot enough, the Chief of Police just might help her cover it right on up. Because why not? It's understandable. They're finally starting to get it! It's not like you guys go around murdering folks willy-nilly. Everyone would get it and have to finally stop apologizing to you if they would just realize that the people you murder (or have murdered) are jerks. Some of them did something mean to someone you love, some of them are con artists, some of them did exactly the same thing you do for a living but they did it for some other boss, and some of them are your son's biological father and that is just annoying. IT'S WHO YOU ARE.
So, like Jordan and everyone else, I am so sorry, you guys. I'm sorry that the world doesn't understand that you exemplify LOVE and LOYALTY and RIGHTEOUSNESS.
But there's a light at the end of this tunnel. Port Charles had lost its way in the last couple of years. Things having nothing to do with the mob were interesting to folks. People's lives didn't revolve around organized crime. And the town had NO MORAL CENTER. Whose example was everyone to follow?? Doctors? Nurses? Law enforcement? Ha! It makes sense that everyone was lost. But nobody needs to be lost anymore, you guys. Because guess who's back? Guess which sanctimonious serial killer is back to guide us all with his ethical wisdom, to defend the innocent and rescue all the children, to have otherwise intelligent women sacrifice all their integrity for, to be the local Jiminy Cricket, to wander around town justifying any action that anyone took out of LOVE!
That's right, SAINT JASUS OF ASSASSIN. He's alive and he's back.
So everything's going to be fine, you guys!
Hey, remember when Duke and AJ came back to life and we all felt a glimmer of hope that their presence might undermine the mob stronghold on the in-show moral code? Because Duke was this great character in one of the loveliest mob storylines this show ever told, a story about real redemption through love in which someone actually did finally turn their back on the mob because love -- not just romantic love, but ultimately love of a child, love of self, love of decency -- meant more. And because AJ, while a mess of a human being, could possibly come back to completely explode the mythology that being whiny and being a recovering alcoholic is somehow actually worse than all the murder-for-money nonsense going on. And then remember how all that got canceled out because Duke got more mobbed up than ever and then offed and Sonny got to murder AJ and totally get away with it anyway?
That was fun.
Isn't it cool how Anna's a murderer now? See, the mobsters were right all along. IT'S IN ALL OF US! Who are we to judge?