Serial Drama

Confessions and Connections, Missed and Otherwise

Line of the day -

Spinelli: There was no "scampering."

First of all, I'm on record as loving Ellie. Loving. It's ridiculous. She's just adorable. And "adorable" is not usually high on my list of reasons to like a new character, so I don't even know what's up with it. And she had every right in the world to be furious at Spinelli for sleeping with Maxie (and even giving him the boot for the rest of ever) and every right in the world to assume that Maxie was pretty pleased with that development. But now she thinks Maxie sabotaged her car? It hasn't even been two years since the last time we had a new character who quickly became a romantic rival for an established female character and decided that the established female character was probably some sort of killer. This was said new character's beginning-of-the-end, as we know that such groundless accusations are generally designed to make us turn on someone initially likable. Especially when it's someone who has brown eyes and red hair. You know, like someone else we know. 

Plus, she got a little screechy today for my tastes. This does not bode well, particularly because she does not have a single solitary friend or connection on the show other than Spinelli (poor thing). I worry very much for her future. Because she's silly and nice and sweet and smart and stands up for herself and is all those things but is still a convincing adult. Young adult, sure, but adult.

Ahem. Which brings me to...

I'm well aware this is a controversial storyline and that those who hate it, hate it like it was designed to torture them and their loved ones for all time. Admittedly I'm not a member of that hate patrol (shall I duck?) -- I rather like that Patrick's current "love interest" is such a nasty piece of work that we know we're not meant to take her seriously as a match for him. I do wish Britt were written as a soap bitch with a little nuance (and it looked like they almost might at first, but they've reversed course completely), especially because I think Kelly Thibeaud is a good addition to the cast and I'm all for expanding the hospital posse (and would like to see her have to nurse Johnny Zacchara back to health from some gunshot or another -- you know, just for funsies), but I'm hoping if the character sticks around she'll be kicked to the curb by Patrick and maybe then start to grow that heart. Because of Frisco's love? Or something. We can handle more than one note. (Hell, I'm softening toward Connie. Anything can happen.)

Short On Words, Long On Exclamation Points

Maybe it's the hypothermia* messing with my reading comprehension**, but I seem to be under the impression that Thorsten Kaye--Thorsten Freaking Kaye, you guys, as Zach Freaking Slater. THORSTEN! KAYE!--is headed to Prospect Park's All My Children and Jack Wagner--JACK WAGNER--Jack "OHMIGOD, you guys, Jack Wagner as Frisco. Frisco. Frisco!" Wagner--is returning to General Hospital and...that cannot be true, can it? It can and it is and all I can do is clap like a deranged seal!***

*No, REALLY. I know I say all the time "I'm so not melodramatic, but [insert absolutely ludicrous imaginary side effect of watching a television show here!]", but...it is so, so cold. And my office is so, so cold that the seltzer I had on my desk started to freeze and my rings kept falling off. FRIGID!

**When I first read this news, I saw "Frisco" as "Franco" and I literally gasp-shrieked and dropped my phone and almost started to cry. The saddest part about that sentence, besides my inability to read, is that I am not exaggerating. That is what just imagining a glimpse of the name Franco does to me. Did you guys see his poem about President Obama? I died a thousand deaths.

***And momentarily crash back down to earth by raising an eyebrow quizzically at the names not listed on the AMC returns list. Like Kanes and Chandlers, for example. I mean, granted, I would for sure watch a full hour of just Jill Larson as Opal, being hilarious, but...I don't know what to make of this.

I have no such misgivings about Jack Wagner's return--all of that is just pure awesome.

I Think I Need To Be Medicated

I spent the better part of last week suffering from the world's worst headache; one of those "I'm pretty much convinced that my right eyeball is going to explode out of my head like I'm living in a scene from an alien movie" headaches, where all you want to do is curl up in the fetal position and avoid loud noises at all costs--it made it impossible for me to watch any Carly scenes on General Hospital.

One small GH marathon later and I'm right back where I started, except this time I am sick everywhere and it's entirely Maxie and Spinelli's fault.

Maxie: So? Will you do it? Will you pop another one of Dante and Lulu's little embryos in me?
Britt: Maxie, I-I'm sorry. I can't.
Maxie: I thought you understood. I am trying to spare my best friend. Why make her suffer when I can be pregnant before she even gets back?
Britt: It's not that I'm unwilling to do the procedure.
Maxie: Then what is your problem?
Britt: Maxie, you're already pregnant.

I think we all--if we're all dour and pessimistic, which we are and have every right to be--saw this coming from the moment Spinelli and Maxie spent the night together, so it's not that it's surprising. It's just that it's horrifying. I'm trying to think of things that I hate more than Spinelli and Maxie as a couple (besides actual real world issues like genocide and famine...although I'd probably take certain diseases over this pairing) and I'm coming up empty. I'd even take the vampire stuff over this, and the vampire stuff had me hiding my face behind my hands, overcome with secondhand embarrassment. This relationship completely obliterates anything I've ever enjoyed about Maxie, and it gives Spinelli much more screentime than he ever deserves and--AND! All of this will make Ellie incredibly sad and who among us wants that?

WHO WANTS TO SEE HER DEJECTED AND DEPRESSED?! No one! And--shameless editing of a post to include a .gif of my new favorite thing ever, ever, ever-- I hate it like Jim Harbaugh hates blown calls

 SPOILER ALERT: I will never get sick of seeing this and it will most likely come in handy during the coming weeks on General Hospital.

Maybe I am wrong and this story will play out very differently than it is in my nightmares, with good writing and unpredictable plot twists and a happy resolution for all involved, and by that I mostly mean Ellie (and me). I'm probably not, of course; that is most likely just my migraine medication talking. Can I request that GH reimburse me?

 

Interview With A Vampire King

Full disclosure, y'all. I did not watch Port Charles. It is the one blip in my ABC daytime soap viewing history. I mean I've got The City, Ryan's Hope, Loving, all of 'em. I did watch the very first episode of Port Charles with some friends over a great deal of what was probably tequila and we had good laughs at Audrey's impromptu brain surgery or whatever it was, but I did not have time in my schedule to take on another soap at the time. I was tempted by Lucy Coe, but it just never happened. I sort of vaguely knew about the evolution of the show into conceptual story arcs and I definitely knew that Caleb and Livvie were a hot item, but I don't have the full story.

And I'll admit, when I heard about this upcoming callback to the vampire story, I was less than excited. I'm always on the side of minor stunts or character "gets" that might add some viewers' eyes to the show so that it continues its uptick in ratings, but are there really that many Port Charles viewers who don't already watch General Hospital? And those who don't, would they really be lured back with this sort of thing? Not to mention that this is not like jumping Todd, Starr, and John over from One Life to Live. Because those are now GH characters. They are who they were on OLTL (well, the Todd part has been hotly debated, but you know what I mean). But didn't PC basically happen in some alternate universe? My feeling was always that PC events didn't really happen in GH's Port Charles unless it was occasionally convenient. You'd think someone on GH might have mentioned a vampire takeover in the town. Moreover, Kelly Monaco is not playing Livvie and Michael Easton is not playing Caleb. It's one thing to throw out a few winks at the audience like when Sam and John first met. But it's another to actually turn it into a story arc.

But then I heard this:

Lucy: I am just as impervious to you as I was the day you arrived in Port Charles with that stupid band of yours, thinking you could hypnotize everybody with the glamour. Well, you can't glamour me.

Look, I don't know what the everloving fuck she's talking about, but that is hilarious. HYPNOTIZE EVERYBODY WITH THE GLAMOUR?! He had a band? You mean like a band of marauders or something or a rock band? Either way I am REALLY EXCITED and I need to look this up.

Then later there was this gem:

Lucy: He's turning the police department into his own personal coven!

The PCPD, a coven! I'm enjoying the image. Plus, after Lucy stabbed John with a stake (!), she kept screaming that's he supposed to "combust." I am seriously going to have to hit up YouTube for some of this madness. Combust? I want to see a vampire combust on a daytime soap special effects budget, like, yesterday.

At Least There Are Some Silver Linings...

I hesitate to refer to this Trey situation as a missed opportunity, because that implies that I'd have liked to see more of Trey, and Trey and Kristina, and Trey and Connie, and I can honestly assure you that that is the opposite of the case; in the months that he's been on the show, the writing he's received has improved enough to take him from aggressively douchey to mildly irritating, but he never quite landed on entertaining. 

So it's not that I'm going to miss him. It's just that this show has the most frustrating need to...well, to kill. The writing staffs over the past decade have been frighteningly bloodthirsty, always willing to see someone exit in a body bag so that surviving actors can pad their Emmy reels. It's pretty wasteful. Why can't people just move? Or even be in a good old coma for a few years? What was the point in creating this character and giving him an elaborate and tortured backstory, and adding about ten layers of tragedy and horror to the already convoluted and depressing backstory of Connie, and saying "You know, I think we've hit all of the notes we could possibly hit with this guy, except for fully exploring his relationship with his mother. Next!"?

At any rate, Trey passed away surrounded by friends and people that he is technically related to but who he shared no interaction with since last summer. Let's all shrug half-heartedly in unison.

While we are having synchronized reactions to this show, let's flail our hands A LOT over McBain's befuddled reaction to hearing Lucy call him Caleb.

Michael Easton, you are a delight.

I wasn't watching Port Charles by the time it turned into a vampire telenovela so I have absolutely no idea what to expect with these two worlds colliding, but if it leads to hilarious McBain reaction shots, I'm all in. Crossing my fingers that he does a spit-take.

And then there was Carly and AJ. Carly is awful--I mean, she is just a beast of a human being. Snarling at AJ that he's a loser? Taunting him to drink? She is wretched. And yet...

All I could think when watching them was "OH MY GOD, KISS HIM ALREADY. A LOT AND FOR A LONG TIME!" Laura Wright and Sean Kanan have crazy chemistry (he actually has crazy chemistry with basically every female he interacts with. It makes me all flustered and giggly). All I want is to watch them banter. Please, GH. Make this happen.

80% of Feeling Good is Looking Good

Okay, that title isn't really all that relevant, but when I turned on my TV before turning on the DVR for today's General Hospital, that was a direct quote from some sort of men's hair club commercial and I almost died laughing. 80%, you guys. Empirical fact! STUDIES HAVE SHOWN! And so I couldn't help but experience the entire episode in this context.

For instance, Trey doesn't look half bad. Sure, he's got some dark circles around his eyes, but he's a pretty boy. Brain dead? C'mon! When you look like that, chances are you feel good.

Carly has looked fabulous for two weeks of episodes. Seriously. Ridiculously fabulous. That hair! The sort of night-before smoky-eyes residue! That cute jacket! Plus she's a little less made up than usual, so her freckles are showing and I am a fan. And she always looks cute in jeans. So what's she feelin' so bad about? Please! Just because she just found out her ex-boyfriend killed some kids and blackmailed her current boyfriend, who it turns out swapped her friend's live baby out for a dead baby and is like the world's worst grandfather and was blackmailing her ex-boyfriend right back... I mean that's no reason to feel bad.

So 20% of her current state is not so great. She looks good, and that's 80%. Quit whinin'!

(And hey, shout out to this excellent sequence:

Sam: Sounds like you saw yourself in Todd. (laughs) You should've known that was a huge, huge mistake, Carly.

Carly: You know you can be a real bitch sometimes.

Sam: You know it takes one to know one.

Carly: You know, who knows, maybe I can use this for good? Maybe I can get women to line up their boyfriends in front of me, and if I'm attracted to them, they should run -- run -- for their lives.

Nice, ladies!)

Wholly Unbelievable!

Please don't misunderstand, it is TOTALLY believable that Carly would take a situation concerning, among other horrible things, dead children and make it all about her. And it is EQUALLY believable that she'd make it about her at the loudest and shrillest volume imaginable and make wounded faces while she self righteously lectures on the importance of honesty. This is CARLY. She is a terrible and hilarious human disaster who has never had an unselfish thought.

But for Carly to hear that Todd was involved in a baby switch involving Jason's child and say these words? I call the foulest of fouls.

Carly: The crazy thing is, I would have forgiven you. I would have been really mad about the whole Jason part, but I would have listened to you explain and I would have forgiven you. Hell, I would have gone to my grave defending you. But you didn't trust me enough to give me that choice.

The Carly I know and love and would be absolutely terrified of if she was a real person and I had the misfortune of knowing her would never forgive anyone for anything for even midly irritating Jason, so I am supposed to believe that she'd not only forgive Todd for keeping Jason away from his son but would also defend him for the rest of her life? No. I'm sorry, that would never happen. Ever. I don't even think Carly would go to her grave defending Morgan if he did something to upset Jason. She'd be more likely to send Morgan to his grave for upsetting Jason.

This is absurd, is what I'm saying.

Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2012

Daytime television's 2012 was a soap opera of its own, featuring heartbreaking loss (we will never fully be over the loss of One Life to Live, will we?), a rekindled love affair (if people were still using Trapper Keepers, ours would be emblazoned with "I Heart GH!") and a twist that neither of us saw coming when we sat down to work on our annual Best and Worst list.

"I...think we might actually have more bests than worst."
"I think you're right. And actually, I have another best to add to the list..."

That has never happened before! Oh, sure, it wasn't a perfect year and we have a lot to complain about (please read on!), but usually, our Bests are sarcastic and contain nuggets of misery within the ostensible compliment, so this is a brand new experience for us. If 2013 continues this trend, we may need to change our tagline to "We don't mock soaps and our feelings are hurt by people who do".

Let's take a look back at the year that was...

Best Exit
Kimberly McCullough as Robin, General Hospital

Nobody was sadder than we to lose the amazing Kimberly McCullough, but we suppose that if she had to leave, at least she was given the most excellent exit of the year. Her “death” was heart-breaking—to spend so many months worrying that she would die from complications with her HIV and then have her die in a hospital explosion was such a shock, and McCullough absolutely killed us with her final scenes before the explosion at the hospital.

 Months later, and we’re still tearing up at the very thought of the gutted goodbyes she shared with Patrick.

The ensuing fallout, from Patrick’s deep grief and momentary pill addiction — how amazing was Jason Thompson? — to her flashback filled funeral, was nearly perfect. Except for one glaring flaw: the absence of Robert Scorpio, which was the year’s He would NEVER do that! Moment. Would Robert, even crazy with grief, ever willingly skip out on his daughter’s funeral to chase Ethan? No! He would not, and we’re not saying that just because Ethan is terrible (even though he is). Newly-discovered son or no, Robert would be there for his granddaughter and for Anna, and would NEVER cheerfully leave town on an adventure. We can only hope that Tristan Rogers’s upcoming return rights that boneheaded wrong.

Worst Exit
Ronn Moss, The Bold & the Beautiful 

We can't lie. Ridge Forrester and his scarves were never really our favorites. But the fact remains that Ronn Moss was the leading man on this show from its very first episode and throughout its entire twenty-five years. Such feats should at least be acknowledged. But B&B's way to mark his departure from the series was to give him and Brooke a ten-minute living-room wedding ceremony and then have his new (again) bride return to town without him, explaining that he'd abandoned her, his family (including his terminally ill mother), and his company... all because she lied to him about a couple of freakin' text messages from Deacon. Ultimately, not only did they not bother to give him a decent send-off with a few reflections and flashbacks, they milked a lead character's absence for ABSOLUTELY NO DRAMA AT ALL. God forbid a missing or presumed-dead Ridge might take a little focus off a tedious love triangle among a gaggle of post-adolescents.

Seriously, couldn't they have at least done a "Ridge's scarves through time" flashback montage??

 Best New…Well, “New” Character
Todd Manning, General Hospital

With OLTL regrettably over and the show’s powers-that-be headed to GH, it was only a matter of time before some of Llanview’s finest made their way to Port Charles and luckily for all of us, Todd Manning was them and he is, by far, the best "new" character on daytime this year. His sense of humor (Roger Howarth’s ease with zingers would make some veteran sitcom actors jealous) and chemistry with Carly and Sonny (and Sam and basically anybody he happens to interact with) make him endlessly watchable, even when the choices he makes—teaming up with Heather Webber and embroiling himself deeper and deeper in the massive lie about Sam’s son—boggle the mind.

 Worst History Rewrite
Franco and Jason, Twinsies!, General Hospital

As good as GH has become at diving into its legacy, all uses of history aren’t so great and the worst history rewrite in 2012—nay, in recent memory!—was the decision to randomly decide that, oh, Susan Moore actually gave birth to twins and one of the twins was Franco. Sure, it was a way to link Jason forever with his sworn enemy, but wouldn’t that have led to greater storyline potential when Franco was actually alive?! Not to mention that there is something fantastically distasteful about making that horrible sociopath (and complete waste of airtime. We’re bitter) the son of Alan Quartermaine. Why must we punish that family so much? Wasn’t the systematic writing off of most members of the family enough?  

Ho Ho Ho-ly Goodness, This Show Is Amazing

Everything you could have ever wanted in an episode of television happened on Friday's episode of General Hospital. I don't mean advances in plot or character development, because the show was about as filler-y as a filler episode can get and those things were just...not there.

No, I meant Tracy Quartermaine wearing a Santa hat for the duration of the episode.

What else in life could a person ever hope for or dream of?

The only other way you might be able to answer that question is "Lots of sweet and snarky Lucy Coe action". And for so many years, the possibility of that ever happening was more than an impossibility, so you've probably trained yourself out of even hoping for it. But this show had that, too!

Lucy: No, wait a minute. I do not need to leave. I used to be, for your
information, the lady of this house.
Monica: Oh, you belong in a house, all right. But not for ladies.

Monica: Well, then kiss my 99% assets and get the hell out of here.
Lucy: You know you're losing out. You need that makeover, by the way.

Really, they could have condensed the episode to a few Tracy Claus one-liners and shots of smirking Lucy (guys, she offered Monica a de-puffer! And it took on a whole new meaning with Leslie Charleson looking...you know what, I'm in a good mood so I am not going to go there, but I AM going to raise an eyebrow archly and give you all a knowing look) and I would have been screaming "EMMY SUBMISSION EPISODE! ALL TIME CLASSIC! EXCLAMATION POINT, EXCLAMATION POINT, EXCLAMATION POINT!" because really.

Although if they had condensed the episode to just Tracy and Lucy, I would have missed the following thirty seconds of things that I also enjoyed to a much lesser degree:

• AJ and Michael's brief coat mixup actually made me say "Aww!" What has happened to me?! I feel like I used to have biting wit, but I've become all ooey gooey and starry eyed. I blame my burgeoning crush on Sean Kanan and the fact that my blood is probably 84% peppermint hot chocolate these days. It's making me all nice!
• Kelly Monaco deserves some serious credit for being able to convincingly convey "annoyance" at the sight of Tracy, when the logical reaction is to clap and squeal.

• I am coveting Carly's cardigan.

Stripey AND neon accents? I want, I need, I have to have.

• I didn't love Carly and Connie-Kate's verbal sparring, but it didn't not entertain me, either.  Carly's regression into a petulant high schooler worked for me with her dramatic eyerolls.

Carly: Then how come every single time I mention your name to Johnny, he cringes? He clenches his teeth, trying not to throw up.

I only wish she had used the term "ralph", because I would have laughed for days.

And I do have to give Connie-Kate props for her sense of humor.

Connie: Carly, you might want to get that checked out. Hearing voices is a sign of mental illness.
Carly: You would know.
Connie, seriously: I would know.

 

Plus, movement on the Nurse's Ball! It's almost all fantastic, which is something my fingers are still uncomfortable typing...

In Praise of Escapism

I love that soaps just follow soap logic and we so rarely have to feel like they truly hit too close to home. Sure, they make me cry sometimes and they make me angry sometimes, but it's always just an escape. Sometimes a necessary one. Sometimes a most excellent one.

So let's talk about today's escape...

The continued excellence going on over in Switzerland now involves Anna and Duke working together to save Robert's life!

I still can't believe this is 2012. And I mean that in the best possible way. Perhaps this is all because the world is allegedly ending on Friday? Eh. I'll take it.

Elizabeth's bitchface, very much directed at the right person!

Of course, that nasty piece of work Britt took all of Liz's apt criticism and used it in her favor to manipulate Patrick further. (And using Christina Comes Home for Christmas, no less -- a fun One Life to Live reference.)

I don't really want to get into what Ellie overheard Spinelli saying to Maxie today. Maxie and Spinelli drive me insane as a pairing and are even worse when one is pining for the other and all their scenes are about that. I like them okay as friends, though, but y'all. I LOVE ELLIE. Like a crazy person. I can't even specifically identify why. The actress is very appealing and actually refers to Damien Spinelli as "Damien" and he's had to act like more of a grown-up around Ellie and I appreciate all that, but it's more than that. So my already weary heart broke for her today when she overheard the wrong part of Spinelli explaining to Maxie that he would have loved to jump into her arms and reunite with her when she confessed her feelings to him.

And of course she walked away before hearing that wanting to be with Ellie was the deciding factor in turning down Maxie. But misunderstandings based on eavesdroppings are classic soap story staples, so we shall see where this goes. ("Eavesdroppings?" Can we do that as a plural like that? It sounds like little poop pellets left by some dude named Eaves.) 'Cause hey, I like stories. If everyone just ran around all happy and healthy and clear on everything, we wouldn't have those. Our stories! And call me crazy, but I got a little optimistic based on today's dialogue that we're not simply meant to see Ellie as a spoiler for Spinelli/Maxie, and that we are being asked to take her seriously as a character in her own right. I DIG.