Serial Drama

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza

Becca (8:00:35 PM): Oh no, they're opening with a sketch.  This is going nowhere good.
Mallory (8:00:46 PM): A sketch! Oh, Cameron Mathison! If only he didn't play daytime's most odious character
Mallory (8:01:21 PM): Did she just sniff Thorsten Kaye? Do you know how many people would pay for that honor?

Mallory (8:03:02 PM): This is easily the best AMC related thing to happen in months, by the way. Make of that what you will
Becca (8:03:17 PM): Is that a laugh track?  Live people aren't actually finding this amusing, right?
Mallory (8:03:52 PM): Maybe they took a cue from Bryan Dattilo and got a little sloshed
Becca (8:04:14 PM): He is a smart man.

Becca (8:04:39 PM): Hey, I just realized, why did we see like eight Days actors, yet no James Scott?
Becca (8:04:43 PM): That is unacceptable.
Mallory (8:04:48 PM): It's criminal!

Mallory (8:05:16 PM): The split second glimpse of Ellen and Portia was better than anything we saw on the entire pre-show
Becca (8:05:41 PM): I missed them!  Did Ellen dress like Col. Sanders again this year?  Because that was fun.

Becca (8:05:55 PM): Oh no, this year she's Zorro.
Mallory (8:06:44 PM): I am already sick of Ricky Paull Goldin and Beth Ehlers and she hasn't even started airing yet
Becca (8:07:13 PM): Why?  It's not like ABC has been pimping her out like she's a streetwalker tonight, or anything.

Becca (8:07:34 PM): My god, was that just a three-minute AMC commercial those three just "spontaneously" did?
Mallory (8:07:48 PM): I think it was. Brian Frons has no shame

Becca (8:08:07 PM): The Table Cam might be a worse idea than last year's viewer videos.  I didn't think that was possible.
Becca (8:08:19 PM): Laura Wright looks spectacular.
Mallory (8:08:22 PM): Laura Wright looks fab

Mallory (8:08:34 PM): But she and Sarah Brown don't look like they are supposed to be at the same event

Becca (8:08:41 PM): Sarah Brown's hair and makeup are great, but that dress is very goth prom.

Becca (8:09:00 PM): And Tony Geary does the shiny suit weird tie thing again.  Sigh.  I love him anyway.
Mallory (8:09:45 PM): I'm really glad that we didn't get to see him during the pre-show! Seeing Jordan Pruitt was way more important than being able to mock his shiny suit an hour ago
Becca (8:10:14 PM): Right.  That Frons guy sure is smart.
Becca (8:10:19 PM): Gina Tognoni wins!

Becca (8:10:32 PM): She seems awesome, so I'm happy for her.  Heather Tom does not look happy for her.

Mallory (8:10:51 PM): Heather Tom's bitchface was just a thing of beauty. Yay for Gina, though!
Becca (8:11:13 PM): Why did she have to thank God first?  I hate that.
Becca (8:11:43 PM): I think Heather Tom must be thanking God they panned away from her so fast.
Mallory (8:11:47 PM): It always makes me uncomfortable when they do that
Becca (8:12:50 PM): I want to hear one of the losers in the post-interview be like "I totally would have won, if only God hadn't been in such a pissy mood."
Mallory (8:13:30 PM): Right? "Whatever, this was rigged! I'm still being punished for stealing gum when I was six!"

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza: Red Carpet Arrivals

And...we're off!  We will update this post and the ceremony one throughout the night, with our live blogging chat and then with screencaps/photos.  Please keep checking back for updates; you never know what fashion triumph or tragedy will greet you.

Becca (6:02:30 PM): OMG IT'S STARTING!!!
Becca (6:02:32 PM): Ahem
Mallory (6:02:45 PM): EEEEEE!!!
Mallory (6:02:58 PM): SOAPNet really ought to pay for a better voiceover person. She could not sound more bored
Mallory (6:03:13 PM): I am appalled that Sam Champion is making an appearance.
Becca (6:03:25 PM): WTF?  No, Rebecca Budig, no.

Becca (6:03:35 PM): That dress looks like she's being disemboweled.
Mallory (6:03:53 PM): This is what I don't understand: you are rich. You are famous. You look like Rebecca Budig. And that's the dress you choose?
Becca (6:04:15 PM): Seriously, that pink...thing on the red satin looks like intestines.  Why, why, why?
Becca (6:04:29 PM): On the other hand, Finola Hughes looks fantastic.

Mallory (6:04:38 PM): She really does!
Becca (6:04:48 PM): On the other other hand, Ricky Paull Goldin looks like a waiter.
Mallory (6:04:56 PM): How can you be rising at the same time as being a superstar?

Becca (6:05:15 PM): And how can you be a superstar if I've never heard your name?  Wait, don't answer that, I know I'm unhip.
Becca (6:05:21 PM): You kids and your pop stars
Mallory (6:05:35 PM): Do not blame this on my generation! Some of us have taste
Becca (6:06:03 PM): Some of you who aren't famous?
Mallory (6:06:49 PM): I don't understand the purpose of what is happening right now. Why is she singing? Why are people pretending to care?

Mallory (6:07:17 PM): And why is SOAPNet doing a small split screen for the red carpet arrivals? Are they so inept that they are capable of ruining the concept of a red carpet show?
Becca (6:07:27 PM): Did you really have to ask that?
Becca (6:07:44 PM): Is this girl Brian Frons' niece or something?
Mallory (6:08:21 PM): I am not mentally ready to start thinking about Night Shift
Mallory (6:08:47 PM): And I keep getting distracted by Rebecca Budig's HORRIBLE hair and the...organ looking ornamentation on her dress. Please make it stop.
Becca (6:08:57 PM): Rebecca Budig's dress is a crime against all that is good and right in the world [James Scott].
Becca (6:09:17 PM): I know.  But now that I found out that Tristan Rogers and Antonio Sabato Jr. are going to be on it, I'm almost...optimistic.  I can't believe I just said that.
Mallory (6:09:57 PM): I love the Shoe Cam! It appeals to me at my shallowest

Becca (6:10:21 PM): Seriously.  I want one for when I go out with friends.  "Lisa is wearing a Fendi black patent slingback..."
Mallory (6:11:19 PM): I do not like Farah Fath's necklace at all

Becca (6:11:55 PM): Yeah, she looks great except for the giant crucifix that even 1989 Madonna would be all "oh no, that's OTT"

Mallory (6:12:23 PM): Her makeup looks good, though, and it's way subtle for her
Becca (6:12:56 PM): Well, pancake is way subtle for her, but yeah, she does look great

Mallory (6:13:59 PM): Adrienne Frantz is distractingly skinny. And the hair...sorry, I can't say anything negative about her just in case she's still dating Jason Segel and can introduce me to James Franco
Becca (6:14:23 PM): You like him?  You've kept that so quiet. 
Becca (6:14:28 PM): Except for the billboard, I mean.
Becca (6:14:34 PM): And the mocked-up wedding announcements.
Mallory (6:14:56 PM): I like to plan ahead so that our wedding is all taken care of, just in case it happens
Mallory (6:19:43 PM): I know Sherri Shepherd thinks the world is flat or whatever, but her role as Angie on 30 Rock has earned her a lifetime free pass from me. She's adorable

Becca (6:20:54 PM): Oh, we are going to brawl, Mal -- she bugs the crap out of me.
Becca (6:21:05 PM): Seriously, she thinks the world is flat!
Mallory (6:21:38 PM): But she's hilarious with Tracy and Kenneth the page!
Becca (6:21:59 PM): You know I adore 30 Rock, but no.  She bugs me!
Mallory (6:22:10 PM): Whatev!
Mallory (6:22:20 PM): Finola talks like three miles a minute and I find it endlessly endearing
Becca (6:22:34 PM): She has the inflections of a 15-year-old.  It's hilarious.
Becca (6:23:07 PM): Heather Tom's makeup is fabulous, and her hair is a huge improvement over last year's terrible ponytail, but I'm not sold on the dress.  And I really liked Jack on Project Runway!

Mallory (6:23:12 PM): Could SOAPNet BE more inept? This is pathetic. The local access channel runs smoother
Becca (6:23:39 PM): The only clip they've had ready to roll was that horrible "behind the scenes" piece with Cameron and Sherri.  And I've seen more interesting driver ed films.

Mallory (6:23:55 PM): Her hair and makeup look gorgeous. I don't like the bodice of the dress, but I love the color

Becca (6:24:22 PM): The color is beautiful.  I have a feeling it will look better in still shots, too.
Becca (6:24:37 PM): It's not a disaster or anything.  I just expected to be wowed.  Wow me, people! 

Um, The "Madness" Part is Right on the Money...

I regularly receive emails from SOAPNet. I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not this is because, as part of my on-going feud with Brian Frons, I like to keep an eye on what my enemies are doing or because I like the thrill of seeing an unread email in my inbox ("FW: htworger? How intriguing!"). So I got one yesterday, reminding me to tune into the premiere of SOAPNet's new ripoff of an E! ripoff of a VH1 show.

Frankly, all it did was serve as a reminder for me to make an actual appointment with an actual therapist to determine why I torment myself by watching ABC Daytime/SOAPNet at all. I'm leaning towards self loathing, but it would be nice to have an expert confirm that for me and perhaps make suggestions of safer alternatives. Like maybe huffing.

I did think that some parts of that email were interesting, in the way that it's interesting when you hear how war was fought in medieval times. Like the fact that they hope readers have a sudden craving for details on "the A-list Drama Mama's latest boy toy" (as if that sentence is actually real and not a hellish group of words cherry picked from Ted Casablanca) and then showcase Minnie Driver (!!!) when you go to their homepage.  Minnie Driver is A-list? This is like when they say Sonny is a good man: just because you repeat something endlessly doesn't make it true. My life would be a lot different if that were the case...

Of course, the most interesting thing of all was that the word "soap" appeared four times, and as part of SOAPNet each of those times. It's like Brian Frons thinks that soap operas have cooties.

Catch Our Broadcast Debut Tonight! ...Or Whenever

Tonight's the night!  We are all set to make our broadcast debut at 10 PM tonight on In The Zone Radio.

We're incredibly excited to join the gracious hosts for what will surely be a fun evening of soap dishing.  We're going to try really hard not to pepper too many sentences with "dude"s (Becca) and "like"s (Mallory).

We hope that you can tune in tonight!  If you want to call in, please do!  (Remember, it's your job not to make us seem like reader-less losers!)  The number is (347) 996-5978.  Or you can IM via AIM  at InTheZoneRadio, or email questions to inthezone@sonuni.com.

If you can't listen tonight, fear not:  The interview will be available as a podcast, so you won't need to miss one hypercritical moment.

Updated 5/7: Well, we debuted.  The host and at least a couple of listeners thought we were unfunny in person as opposed to in writing, and said so, which wasn't the highlight of our lives but it mostly got better from there.  And seriously, it's not like we haven't put a lot of criticism out into the atmosphere; it was bound to boomerang on us.  Doing the show was really a fun experience and we truly appreciate the opportunity.  Thanks very much to In the Zone Radio for having us on!

If you want to check out the podcast, it's available here in the upper right corner.  (Mallory starts at the 8:42 mark, Becca joins at 13:15, and we get called unfunny at around 52:30 and several times thereafter.  There's about a 75-minute live show and then we stayed on after that for an off-air chat.)  Since clearly we are in the process of expanding our multi-media empire, next on the list is an all-shirtless touring production of Xanadu starring James Scott, Jason Thompson, Peter Bergman, and Greg Vaughn.   We'll keep you posted.

And Emmy Season Officially Begins!

There are few things in life that Becca and I enjoy more than the Daytime Emmys, as readers may remember from our 2007 Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza. It's a win-win situation for us, you know? If our favorites are nominated, we get to feel the exciting validation of "Yes! A strange body of voters who are prone to terrible mistakes agree that our favorite person to be named in the prehistoric prenom process should have a one in five chance of being called the year's best! Wooo!" and if they get snubbed, we can get our moral outrage on, all "How dare they not recognize the brilliance of [Insert Snubbed Actor Here]?! As God is my witness, I will never care about shoddily produced awards shows again!"

So between the potential for celebration AND criticism, we're on cloud nine and then if you throw in glorious or fugly fashion AND supermodels being upstaged by Muppets, it's pretty clear that this is the most wonderful time of the year.

Um...to sum these nominations up, I only have this to say: ...???...?!?!...???...

(and also: SUCK IT, BRIAN FRONS!)

(But mostly ...???...?!?!...???...)

Outstanding Younger Actor

Van Hansis (Luke, As the World Turns)
Jesse Lee Soffer (ex-Will, As The World Turns)
Darin Brooks (Max, Days of Our Lives)
Tom Pelphrey (ex-Jonathan, Guiding Light)
Bryton McClure (Devon, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Younger Actress

Jennifer Landon (ex-Gwen, As The World Turns)
Rachel Melvin (Chelsea, Days of Our Lives)
Vail Bloom (Heather, The Young and the Restless)
Emily O'Brien (Jana, The Young and the Restless)
Tammin Sursok (Colleen, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Supporting Actor

Trent Dawson (Henry, As the World Turns)
Daniel Cosgrove (Bill, Guiding Light)
Brian Kerwin (Charlie, One Life to Live)
Kristoff St. John (Neil, The Young and the Restless)
Greg Rikaart (Kevin, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Supporting Actress

Kelley Hensley (Emily, As The World Turns)
Heather Tom (Katie, The Bold and the Beautiful)
Judi Evens (ex-Adrienne, Days of Our Lives)
Gina Tognoni (Dinah, Guiding Light)
Tracey Bregman (Lauren, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Lead Actor

David Canary (Adam/Stuart, All My Children)
Thaao Penghlis (Tony/ex-Andre, Days of Our Lives)
Anthony Geary (Luke, General Hospital)
Peter Bergman (Jack, The Young and the Restless)
Christian Leblanc  (Michael, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Lead Actress

Maura West (Carly, As The World Turns)
Crystal Chappell (Olivia, Guiding Light)
Nicole Forester (Cassie, Guiding Light)
Michelle Stafford (Phyllis, The Young and the Restless)
Jeanne Cooper (Katherine, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Daytime Drama

General Hospital
Guiding Light
One Life to Live
The Young and the Restless

Thoughts about the nominees, after the jump! And remember--we don't watch some of the soaps nominated, so I'll only comment on the ones I know. Please feel free to share your thoughts about the nominations for As the World Turns, The Bold and the Beautiful, Guiding Light, One Life to Live and Passions in the comments.

Elephants Wearing Tutus While Performing Surgery and Doing Yoga with Aliens Makes More Sense Than This

I had a less than fantastic day yesterday.  I:

• burned my knuckle on my flat iron (I should not be surprised at how hot that is, right?)
• got a huge sliver in my big toe (Don't ever remodel.  Just move.  Trust me.)
• had chicken for lunch that disagreed with me, as my grandmother used to say

So did I need for SOAPNet to send me a stupid-ass email?  I so did not.

Many of you know that I freaking love a good SOAPNet marathon.  I've been willing to forgive a lot because of those delightful throwbacks to the glory days of soaps.  A LOT.  Night Shift, for god's sake.  (Well, I suppose I haven't really forgiven them for that as much as I made a pact with myself not to commit felonious bodily injury on anyone over it.)   I held out hope that someone associated with the network would wake up in a cold sweat one night with an epiphany -- "Holy crapoli, we've lost our way!  Soap operas are our bread and butter! I'm taking One Tree Hill off the air tomorrow and replacing it with 1980s Santa Barbara!  Also, my boss is a moron!"

But it's really clear that, just as with gas prices, world peace, and Lindsay Lohan's sobriety, optimism doesn't pay.  Because, as Mallory and many of you had already realized, the people who run SOAPNet have lost their mothereffing minds. 

Where to begin?

Celebrity and TV drama and fashion gossip!  Thank god I will finally have somewhere to get that stuff on the internets!  As it is now, there are no websites that provide such information.

So...Much...Hatred...Can't...Speak...Coherently

A few years ago, I was embroiled in a one-sided feud with Horatio Sanz. Like all Saturday Night Live viewers, I was offended by the fact that he continued to have a job despite breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever. The feud consisted mainly of me saying to others, "Can you believe this shmuck still has a job after breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever?" It was a non-violent battle that I eventually won after eight long years. Luckily, my commitment to complaining is never hampered by fatigue, illness or a short attention span.

It's becoming more and more apparent that I need to protest Brian Frons just...existing, except that I am running out of ways to describe my disgust with the fact that he continues to be employed. I don't think a combination of words in the English language could properly convey my angst, except, like, "He's...just...ugh...!!!...worst...???...ugh...hate", but that's not an actual sentence.

I really thought that someone, at some point, would realize that, since all of the ABC Daytime shows have bled viewers since he took over, he's not even competent at his job, let alone good at it. No dice. I thought that the SNM Fiasco would make some take notice and say, "Um, isn't this the channel for soap operas?" But, again, nothing. And now, more dumbassedness.

In addition to bolstering daytime with such ad deals, the company is broadening its plan for Soapnet, moving it from being a home for soap opera reruns to one for original content, as well as more acquired primetime soaps and movie dramas. The network has bought a packet of small to midsize movies to add to its Sunday night movie franchise: Romy and Michelle: In the Beginning; I Do, They Don't; Face on the Milk Carton; Relative Chaos; and I Want to Marry Ryan Banks.

Soapnet is also moving forward with Relative Madness, six hour-long specials this summer on the most over-the-top TV and celebrity families, with commentary from talent including comedian Joy Behar, dancer Chris Judd, and mother/daughter socialites Lisa and Britney Gastineau.

There is so much wrong embedded in those 124 words.

(1)Brian Frons PAID MONEY for the chance to broadcast:

• The terrible prequel to a guilty pleasure movie
• A wacky movie starring Josie "Jane" Bissett and Rob "Kyle" Estes
• The cheesy TV movie adaptation of a book that freaked me out when I was younger, starring Kellie Martin, who I cannot stand
• A movie starring, among others, Charisma Carpenter, Nick Brendon and Terry Bradshaw, about siblings named Dil, Gil and Lil fighting for something that I am sure is wacky and hilarious. Maybe it's just me, but no rhyming sibling names will ever top Huey, Dewey and Louie Duck and I have to tell you, I'm 99% sure that broadcasting DuckTales would be more profitable than this movie
• Some crappy movie about starring Brandon Walsh, Anya and Mark "No, not the Academy award nominated, hot one. The other one. With no H in his name. Yeah. I hosted Temptation Island and am doing time with Moment of Truth. Yeah" Walberg. Award-winning, for sure

Seriously, why not just buy the rights to "The Multi Cultural Megashow", the epic musical my elementary school did when I was in fifth grade? Sure, it had lyrics like "Here is a story, a story it is, and the drums are talking, that is how it is" and a song called "A Yup A Dup", but it's clearly higher quality than any of the aforementioned movies.

(2) You know what has nothing to do with soap operas? Television programming about celebrity families. Why are they ripping off the E! ripoffs of VH1 celebrity shows?

(3) Life has reached a new low when you're describing Joy Behar, J. Lo's second ex-husband and the Gastineau Girls as "talent"

(4) Isn't this channel supposed to be about soap operas? Isn't that what the SOAP in SOAPNet is?

Let's sit back and let Frons explain why this isn't a massive mistake:

“We wanted to recognize the fact that we live in a soap nation—primetime soaps, daytime soaps, Britney Spears soaps,” says Frons. Soapnet currently programs 40 hours of original programming a week, and Frons says he would like to double that number over the next two years.

“America has been getting their soap fix in a lot of different ways other than or in addition to the daily soaps, and so we're reflecting that on the channel, all with a soapy filter—otherwise it's just another women's network.”

Oh...okay, I think I get it now. As a nation, we watch a few primetime soaps that get middling ratings, we have been tuning out from daytime soaps in droves in the past few years and the shows that Frons himself oversees have been hemorraghing viewers and we are morbidly fascinated by the breakdown of a mentally ill popstar. Ergo, ipso facto, we want to watch crappy made-for-tv movies and d-list celebrities and celebrity hangers on talking about other celebrities.

SOAPNet is also going to broadcast a Canadian primetime soap about hockey player's wives or something. Frons explains:

"When we talk to the viewers about what kind of women they really like on shows, we get two answers: One is the very strong, powerful woman who is either a mother or businesswoman who has made her mark in the world, and the other is the one who has this great, hot guy and lives an amazing life," he said

I am pretty sure my brain just collapsed on itself. The fact that this man has a high powered, influential job has sent me spiralling into a depression. I am going to go eat some Ben & Jerry's and cry myself to sleep now.

Oh, They're "Special" Alright

I kind of wanted to title this post "It's Still the Writing, Stupid," but I decided that as a really official and important member of the media I should avoid appearing Clintonian on this critical election day.  Therefore you got the sarcastic use of quotation marks.  Campaigns are truly draining. 

So, in case you are smarter than I am and are not watching General Hospital these days, you should know that you are missing out on some "unbelievable" special effects.  Poor Bradford Anderson was forced to refer to them as such while pimping a special behind-the-scenes look this Wednesday at how the magic happens.  I would prefer a special behind-the-scenes peek at how exactly the showrunners and head writer manage to perennially remain in a posture of cranial-rectal inversion, myself.  That would be eye-opening.

Anyway, Diego the Suddenly Undead Serial Killer's crappy rental car crashed and dangled off a bridge.

Aren't you terrified by the really real realism?

Are you on the edge of your seat?

Doesn't this totally make up for the fact that this show hasn't had a great story arc since at least before Britney and Justin broke up?

You totally thought this was shot on location, didn't you?

Seriously, are you wowed by those effects?  If so, I'm so sorry that you haven't been to the movies in the last 20 years.  They've been doing some great things with their magic cameras.

You know who is wowed by these effects, and others like them, though?  The people in charge of General Hospital.  Of fucking course.  To wit, from the February 19th issue of Soap Opera Digest:

[ABC Daytime President Brian Frons] first joined forces with Stargate while overseeing SOAPnet's GH companion, NIGHT SHIFT.  "They were the guys that brought us across the harbor to actually see downtown Port Charles for the first time," he explains.  "[They] digitally crafted the General Hospital tower, which we had never seen before, and of course, they were the ones that made the city of Port Charles appear at dawn from the roof of the hospital."

And in November, Stargate was responsible for that eye-popping footage of Jason navigating his boat through stormy waters as Spoon Island and its eerie residence, Wyndemere, loomed in the background.  "We had a boat and we had Jason," says Frons.  "Everything else -- the rain, the island, Wyndemere -- was done digitally."  The results were impressive.  "When they cut to Spoon Island, it looked like something out of a great, cool, old, scary horror flick!"  raves [TV Guide soap columnist Michael] Logan.  "It was flawless."

First of all, these quotes are actually incredibly entertaining if you read them with the voice that Michael Bay uses while mocking himself in those Verizon FIOS commercials, calling everything "awesome" in an exaggerated valley accent.  Second of all, like most insane things, these statements need to be closely studied. 

General Hospital: Killing Machine

Thanks to a really awesome Super Bowl Sunday that involved disassembling almost the entirety of my dishwasher and ultimately discovering (and having to remove by hand) an enormous glob of greasy fat of unknown origin and age as the culprit of my filthy "clean" dishes and minor flood, I must apologize that last week's GH Week in Review will get rolled into this one.  But wait!  There is still an opportunity for you to bitch about what ABC Daytime has done to one of your favorite shows! 

In December, in the comments section of the brilliant post Mallory did about Georgie Jones' murder (I was less refined and creative with my outrage) the idea came up to make a list of every character Bob Guza had killed off during his reign of terror tenure.  Well, regular reader Chad and his friend Samantha (whom he describes as "curiously resembling Kelly Monaco, both in looks and penchant for drunkenness," therefore furthering my belief that we all need to hang out ASAP) came to the rescue and shared their compilation of every character killed since Guza became sole writer at the start of 1999.  With this disclaimer from Chad (and an invitation from me to add to or edit this list in the comments -- I'll update the post with new info):

What we came up with probably isn't reliable, since we relied on our own memory and some soap websites, and who is a core family or a legacy character can be subjective

I give you the truly disturbing list, along with Chad and Samantha's helpful tallies:

I Don't Know Why People Make Fun of Soaps

. . . or why Passions got canceled.

From last week's Soap Opera Digest, about Passions:

In 2007, Vincent, who, thanks to some peculiar gender irregularities can have sex as a man or a woman, passed himself off as Valerie and had sex with Julian.  Vincent got pregnant and is now carrying his father's child.

!!!!!

I feel like such a sheltered viewer, since the weirdest things I've sat through are a demonic possession and an island of undead people.

I dare anyone to come up with a two-sentence summary of any of a soap plotline that is as disturbingly insane as that.  Truly, I dare you -- in the comments.  I need soap edumacating, apparently.

New Feature Alert: Serial Drama Dish Forums!

Happy new year, everyone!  We are excited to ring in 2008 with big news:  We're launching a message board!  We considered several names, including Serial Drama's Den of Bitterness, Hatred, and Some Remaining Vestiges of Humor.  But ultimately we went with a little alliteration and a soapy reference, dubbing the new forums Serial Drama Dish.

We know what you're thinking:  The online world needed another soap forum, seriously?  Well, we are just self-centered enough to think that we might be able to bring a slightly different flair to things, and we liked the idea of bringing all of Serial Drama's readers together in one place, other than in a hateful mob outside ABC Daytime's headquarters (which has looked like a distinct possibility of late).

So, what's the point of the forums?  Well, first, we know that many of you have lots to say, and long comments in response to our posts are great, but, let's face it, 1) our stuff isn't really that deep, and 2) the longer replies are hard for some people to read through, especially that rare breed of internet user who reads blogs at work.  So, in an effort to streamline the comments a bit so that they're really responses to/disagreements with/reactions to  posts, we're include a Dish About Serial Drama area in the new forums.  That way, if you have longer responses or a post prompts an extended back-and-forth among readers, you can head over to a better venue.  Also in Dish About Serial Drama, you'll find a place to make suggestions about post topics and submit Expression Hall of Fame entries, among other things.  (We appreciate all the emails we get from many of you about those things, but thought your fellow readers might like to participate, too.)

But really, we anticipate most of the traffic will be in the Shows Forum.  There you'll find what we hope are user-friendly and well-organized sub-forums for each of the daytime soaps still on the air (including ones we don't usually cover here on the blog), as well as an area for threads about other soaps.  We hope you fill that forum with lots of witty, insightful, bitchy, and/or bitter observations about the state of your favorite shows.

For now, the forums are on a trial basis, but we hope they'll thrive thanks to the good humor and astute commentary of our Serial Drama readers. So please register (or not -- guests are free to read the boards), read the rules, and post away!  Please enter the forums through the new link in the navigation bar at the top of the page or in the right-hand column here on the blog.  They're just a click away!

We'll see how this goes.  It's kind of a weird idea, but then we thought starting a blog to make fun of soap operas was a weird idea too, and that seems to have worked out relatively well.  You know, if you don't count the hate mail, carpal tunnel, and PTSD from repeated exposure to screencaps of soap "fashion."

Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2007

As 2007 draws to a close, we are partaking in our favorite year-end rituals, which include watching endless marathons of Law & Order, Project Runway, and I Love The [Insert Decade Here]s, making resolutions that we're obviously going to forget by Presidents' Day (Becca hopes to control both her Irish temper and household clutter, and Mallory plans to drink more water), and, naturally, looking back at the past year with a critical eye.

Since we love lists and we love bitchery, we're pleased to present you with a merger of those two loves, in the form of Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2007.

Why I Am Not A Network Executive

In my rare moments of self-awareness, I sometimes come to terms with the fact that I'm just not cut out to hold certain jobs. I could never, for example, be an aerobics instructor, because I am not capable of perpetual cheerfulness (also, I trip a lot). I could never work at a hedge fund, because the term "hedge fund" in and of itself makes me want to take a nap. I could never work at 30 Rock because I'd just follow Tina Fey around all, "But ohmigod, you're, like, the coolest ever! How did you get to be so cool! You're awesome! Call me! Let's have coffee and be best friends forever!" and get escorted out by security.

And I could never, ever be a network executive because I have no mental deficiencies.

I don't know about you, but when I hear the name "SOAPNet", I don't often think "made for tv movies starring C. Thomas Howell", but that's exactly what is playing on SOAPNet tonight. Double you tee eff?

Apparently, the SOAP OPERA NETWORK has acquired the rights to several motion pictures and made for tv movies that will be broadcast on Sunday nights. Included in Frons's big coup:

• Deception (You guys, they PAID for rights to an ANDIE MCDOWELL movie)
• Full Frontal
• Kiss of Fire (...)
• Tangled (Rachael Leigh Cook AND Estella Warren. It's Stars That Weren't on parade)
• A Pyromaniac's Love Story (Ugh, Billy Baldwin. We really hate him on Dirty Sexy Money; he may even be the worst thing about it. Yes, even worse than Samaire Armstrong, though I don't think quite as bad as Sheryl Lee's evil character who took Gustave Brian Jr. away to Brazil and made me cry for an embarrassingly long time because of it!)
• The aforementioned Dangerous Indiscretion
• Deadly Sins
• Double Cross
• Betrayed by Love
• Blindfold: Acts of Obsession (this, at least, has somewhat of a soap connection, what with Shannen Doherty and Kristian Alfonso. On the other hand, it has Judd Nelson's scary facial hair and is, you know, not a soap)
• Keys

In case you were wondering what the hell was up with this terrible decision, Mr. Frons explains it thusly:

“SOAPnet is making strides to expand its ‘soapy’ programming and movies are the next logical step.  We recognize that movies can be just as soapy as daytime drama...our viewers love the drama, fantasy and anticipation ripe in traditional soaps and we are stretching their equity to incorporate reality, primetime, daytime and now movies, into our lineup."

Yes, Frons, the next logical step is airing movies from 15 years ago starring Alyssa Milano and Kelly Preston, not, you know, using this money to get the rights to Santa Barbara or put Another World back on or, you know, air Ryan's Hope during an hour when people are actually, I don't know, AWAKE.

I don't think that word means what he thinks it means...

Seriously, and I know we ask this question quite often, but...how does Brian Frons still have a job? Is it because he's a master of inventing words to make his lame ideas sound impressive? Is it because he dares to dream big enough to hope for a world where we all watch soaps on our cell phones? Is it because Disney-ABC has not yet been able to negotiate a deal with the Bronx Zoo to hire Babboon #3 to come run ABC Daytime?

Has the Internet Affected Soaps?

Apparently this is a subject on which we're, like, experts or something!  The November 28th issue of Soap Opera Digest had an article about the impact of the internet on daytime, and your very own Serial Drama bloggers were featured, tossing out opinions like we know something about the interwebs and soap operas.  Imagine!  Anyway, we'd love to hear the learned opinions of our readers on the subject, so check out the article and let us know what you think in the comments. 

(Click on the images to view the full-sized pages; thanks to Soap Opera Digest for permission to post the article.)

We Support the Writers

You probably read that subject line a couple of times, maybe with an expression like Kellie Pickler's when someone uses a multisyllabic word, or Britney Spears's when someone says she might have to get her ass out of bed before noon.  But don't be confused, we truly support the writers -- the ones striking in order to get a fair share of the profits from the TV shows and movies that they help create. 

We make a lot of fun of daytime soaps' writing around here -- and we still think the mockery is totally deserved -- but as with any profession there are people at the very top (those who scribe The Office, The Daily Show, Dirty Sexy Money, and 30 Rock, to name just a few), and there are those whose receipt of a paycheck for their work we find almost personally offensive (e.g., the General Hospital, All My Children, and Two and a Half Men teams).  But variety is the spice of life, and in this case is the only way we're able to have a steady supply of crappy stuff to make fun of as well as fabulous stuff to pick us up out of the crap-induced doldrums.  And regardless of what we think of soaps and other TV shows, we're watching them, and studios are making money off them, so the writers deserve an equitable piece of those profits -- now and down the road when you're a freak downloading Days of Our Lives onto your cell phone during your commute, or whatever.

Anyway, not to get all political up in here (is this really even political?  we don't look good in red or dark blue), we support the Writers Guild of America's demands that writers share in the profit entertainment companies make from traditional and new media.  If you do too, click here to sign a petition, and check out this blog for updates from some striking writers.

First Anniversary Self-Indulgence: Becca Is Brill

Have you ever met someone so awesome that they make you feel bad about yourself, but it doesn't detract from how awesome that you think they are? Becca is that person for me. She always manages to top herself in terms of hilarity and general brilliance (and, needless to say, her taste in shoes and handbags is impeccable). She's pretty much who I want to be when I grow up. Um, in the "role model" way, not the "tie her up and take over her life" kind of way.

I could easily say that every post she's ever written is my favorite of hers, but I am going to give you the creme de la creme

• I think that this might be the best thing John and Marlena have ever been associated with
• Her fantastic fashion sense have led to myriad scathing speaking commentaries on the sad state of soap wardrobes. I can only imagine that if the GH and Days of Our Lives wardrobe departments saw them, they'd cry themselves to sleep.
• The world is a better place with the official Awesome Alert scale in it
• Reading her searing hatred of Jeremy "Horton" will never get old
• Three beautiful words: Be Quiet, Carly
• As the founder of the Expression Hall of Fame, Becca has a comprehensive series of screencaps that make me laugh and cry every time I see them
• And she's a songwriter, too!
• Seriously, in the history of the internet, has there every been a better piece of writing than Jill Farren Phelps's statement on Jax's rape? No, there has not. We can shut the internet down tomorrow, because nothing will ever top that.

Thank you, Becca, for your nonstop amazingness. True, it's gotten me in trouble at work when your entries make me literally laugh out loud, but it's a small price to pay. 

First Anniversary Self-Indulgence: Mallory Cracks Me Up

Most of y'all must know this already, but just in case you're new, I must inform you:  Mallory is one funny scathing-speaker.  In celebration of our first anniversary as co-bloggers, I thought I'd share a few of her posts that made me laugh out loud the hardest.  (If I were not morally opposed to them, smiley emoticons would appear in this space.) 

• For "Gloria Monty's ghost" alone, but then for the several minutes of unstoppable giggling the rest of it induced, "Behind the Scenes" is a classic.
• Two words:  "Bitch, Please."  And more Cameron brilliance.
  
• Poor Kelly Monaco.  RIP, Sam McCall's likability.
• "All My Generally Restless Days."  Awesome. 
• The mental image of Bob Guza throwing darts at his Genie Francis dartboard will stay with me as long as a network inexplicably keeps him employed as a soap writer.  If only he would take some friendly advice.
• So, you want to ruin soaps?  A primer.
• To anyone who thinks we're just haters, Mal's obvious love of true soapiness should set you straight.

I blame several of my laugh lines on you, Mal, but whatever, there are ways to deal with those.  I hear Hunter Tylo can give me a great referral.

First Anniversary Self-Indulgence: Google Is Love

Technology affords us the awesome ability to see what search engine searches lead poor unsuspecting internet surfers to our little corner of the world.  We keep some of the results, because they are so entertaining on a number of levels (not because we don't have lives, okay?).  Some are hilariously random, others are hysterical because someone actually thought the internet could answer the question (and only responds to full sentences), some are bizarre because they directed people here, and some are awesomely insightful into people's thoughts on the shows we love to mock.  We thought we'd take the occasion of our first anniversary as an excuse to share with you how some of your fellow readers found us.  We give you:  Our favorite Google searches.

• how many times has susan lucci had facial surgery on her face?
• is liz pregnant with jason's baby (general hospital)
• don diamont's hair never moves
• hunter tylo looks like a freak
• do guza hate women
• IS KELLY MONACO DOING OKAY WITH THE NEW STORYLINE ON GENERAL HOSPITAL
• in general hospial night shift who is putting all the bad things in peoples things
• gh nightshift makes no sense
• what do sonny and jason do
• amber trashing up show young and restless
• where did steve burton's neck go
• why was charity rahmer replaced
• shouldn't jerry know carly
• jason morgan/ spinelli slash
• why are they writing such a crappy storyline on gh for sam and jason?
• jason cook's home address days of our lives
• is jason morgan really a murderer
• the young and the restless writers is stupid
• can i see rick and sam having sex on general hospital
• i don't understand general hospital night shift
• gh steve burton did he double in size?
• night shift is a really bad show

The truly random:

• husband wears pantyhose during sex why
• some one's being a full-on diva skank
• gauchos and dress code policy in hospital setting
• soap stealing robot that ruined our lives
• drugging your boss
• are you a fugly skank?
• leggings parking tickets women prison

If you're curious about the most popular searches, they are some variation on the following (in no particular order)

• are Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough dating in real life
• Laura Wright's hair
• Megan Ward's hair
• Carly on GH's wardrobe [Sob!  - Eds.]
• Hunter Tylo plastic surgery
• Serial Drama/Serial Drama blog/Serial Drama soaps funny

Search engines are responsible for a huge portion of our traffic, so we should love them for that reason, but even if they never sent us a single returning reader we'd love them forever for the entertainment the searches alone provide us. 

It's the Writing, Stupid

In the latest issue of Soap Opera Digest, there's an article called "How To Save Soaps."  I highly recommend checking it out, because it gives a bit of fascinating insight into the people who run the daytime industry.  Be forewarned, though, that reading it may make you think that So You Want To Ruin Soaps... is an actual book written by soap execs.  Here are a couple of the bigwigs' suggestions for rescuing the genre:

"The hope is definitely to cross-platform and drive people who watch WORLD TURNS to INTURN and vice-versa. . . . That's part of the original concept:  put ourselves out there and reach an audience who don't necessarily watch the show, but are online watching original programming."  - Richard Mensing, VP of CBS Daytime East Coast

"When you talk to viewers, especially women, who've stopped watching, the majority of the time they say it's because their life changed . . . When I look at my business, which is making about 750 hours of soap opera a year, my job is to make sure as many see these shows as possible, whether that's on ABC or DVR of ABC, or SOAPnet, or a DVR of SOAPnet, and hopefully one day online, on your mobile phone or whatever."  - Brian Frons, President, Daytime, Disney-ABC Television Group

I just . . . seriously?!  The problem with soaps, as far as I can tell, and as I've already likely alienated a good percentage of SOD's readership by saying, is that they're just not as good anymore.  They lost the giants of soap writing and are now passing around head writing jobs to the same handful of people over and over again, and unsurprisingly very little fresh and creative stories emerge as a result.   I don't pretend this is scientific, but how many people do you know who would say "I would totally watch soaps, if only I could do so on my cell phone," versus how many would say "I would watch soaps if they didn't suck"?

There were some insightful comments, however:

"Here we are again thinking, 'Well, how are you going to get the kids to watch?'  Just tell great story.  Great story is timeless. . . . I know the numbers are down, but all you need is one person at a time.  And you can't underestimate them or let them down."  - Robin Strasser

"I don't think that it's the lifestyle changes and all of those things that we blamed it on for years. . . . So many of the prime-time shows have become serialized, feeding that hunger for that kind of programming and it just absolutely says the form has not died.  These shows are losing people because the audience just doesn't care anymore.  The product, by and large, has to be fantastic in order to survive." - Michael Logan

I agree with Michael Logan.*  I feel icky.  Quick, someone get me an episode of mid-90s GH to cheer me up.  But only if it's via a mobile phone.  What are you, Amish?

* D'oh!  I'm a moron (with a bad headache) and confused Michaels.  My bad.  Thanks to andemcbeal for pointing out my gaffe.  I don't really know much about Logan.  And I do feel better now that I can continue to loathe the dude on I Wanna Be a Soap Star.  Not that I watch it.

Soap I Don't Watch #4: One Life To Live

I thought it was pretty hilarious that the show doing a week-long musical prom storyline was nominated as Best Drama at the Daytime Emmys.  But then I thought hey, maybe it was really good a few months ago, and has only recently declined.  That kind of unevenness happens all the time on soaps.  Especially  on Days of Our Lives.  Now, having watched the episode that got OLTL its Best Drama nomination, I have to ask:  Huh?  Why?  How was this one of the four best soap episodes last year?  What a sad commentary on the genre!

In fairness, I suppose this One Life to Live episode was slightly better than the Young and the Restless one that somehow won tied for Best Drama.  (Though from Mallory, I know that is damning with faint praise.)  And I imagine it would have been better if I didn't know that the dude in the casket whose funeral consumed the whole show was, in fact, not dead.  I don't know.  Overall, I'd say it didn't wow me, but it contained fewer clichés and annoying performances than Y&R, so it's not the basement-dweller of the bunch.  Of the Soaps I Don't Watch, I'd rank them:

1. Guiding Light (by a mile)
2. The Bold and the Beautiful
3. One Life to Live
4. The Young and the Restless

At some point soon I'll do a poll to get your rankings, since many of you actually watch these shows and therefore won't be just talking out of your ass like I am.  Not that I'm not totally comfortable with the ass-talking, mind you.  Speaking of, here is the highly refined pro and con list for One Life to Live:

If I Watched, Which I Totally Didn't . . .

. . . my favorites after the season premiere of I Wanna Be a Soap Star (which is looking for a new star to appear on Days of Our Lives for exactly 13 weeks next year) would be Yves and Travis.  But that's really based -- er, I mean, would hypothetically be based -- almost entirely on looks.  As many things in soapdom are.

And if I'd watched the part where the judges had to say what being a soap star required, Michael Bruno would have creeped me the hell out: 

Daytime is, to so many people, their best friend.  Their lover.  Their parent that they've never had or wanted to have.

Uh, I just like it for the pretty people, twisted family trees, over-the-top plots, and in general how easy it is to make fun of.  I didn't realize I was supposed to be taking it so seriously!

Maybe They Use Soap, or Go to the Opera?

I've apparently been living under a rock, because I was unaware of this new show SoapNet is debuting in August called The Fashionista Diaries.  I've watched the "sneak peek" and . . . what am I missing?  What does this have to do with soaps?  Why is SoapNet airing this instead of an actual soap?  I think they were already stretching the boundaries when they brought in One Tree Hill and The O.C., but have they just thrown the definition out altogether now?  I'm pretty much a SoapNet fangirl, but they're testing me with this.

I love me some fashion, but I don't tune in to the Style Channel to watch General Hospital, so what is this all about?  And is this the start of a bizarre trend?  Will HGTV soon start airing Law and Order reruns?

Soap I Don't Watch #3: The Young and the Restless

My uneducated peek at the "best" daytime has to offer continues with the third show from SoapNet's Daytime Emmy Dramarama marathon, The Young and the Restless.  I knew almost nothing about this show until I met Promising Ingénue, other than that it had been at the top of the ratings for eons.  PI had such a low opinion of the writing that I thought either 1) millions of Americans must be wrong to watch it so faithfully, or 2) she might be a bit soft in the head.  I think you can guess towards which option I was leaning.  But after watching this episode, I think she might be right!  She was definitely right about Peter Bergman, who is downright dreamy.  Also dreamy, and super intellectual (always what we strive for around here), is the pro and con format I used for the Guiding Light and The Bold and the Beautiful reviews.  Shall we see how Y&R fares using it? 

Actually, I'll spare you the suspense.  This is the first of the Soaps I Don't Watch so far that I am totally perplexed as to how it got nominated for Best Drama (at least based on this episode).  And it won?!  (Well, tied?)  Bizarre.  Maybe all the naysayers are right and the genre really is circling the drain.  On that happy note, on to my hypercritical look at daytime's best and most popular, a show about the youthful and/or energetic among us (if we were all better looking and more dramatic)...

(Apologies in advance for the lack of screencaps; technical difficulties abounded.)

Soap I Don't Watch #2: The Bold and the Beautiful

So it turns out at least a few of our readers watch the first Soap I Don't Watch, Guiding Light.  And shockingly, since just days before I had thought it was imaginary, I liked the show.  Apparently it is seconds away from cancellation, which is a bummer, but it may free up several really good actors to be picked up by shows I actually do watch, so that's good news.  For me.  Which is really how all things must be viewed; by their impact on my life. 

Anyway, next up in the SoapNet Daytime Emmy Dramarama marathon is little show about people, some of whom are bold, and others of whom are beautiful.  I actually remember this show debuting in the 80s, and I was rather pleasantly surprised to see that a bunch of the original actors, whom I watched back in the day at the Soap Opera Digest awards and other high-brow events, are still on the show.  I think this soap might actually respect its veterans instead of casting them aside for 19-year-olds.  I will need some time to adjust to such a phenomenon.  Here are some other things I noticed about this show (two episodes of it, because of that wacky half-hour format it has), continuing with the scientifically proven "pro and con" format.

Soap I Don't Watch #1: Guiding Light

For the most part, SoapNet is one of the best inventions of modern times. (The list is something like 1. cotton gin, 2. TiVo, 3. internal combustion engine, 4. SoapNet/Bobbi Brown cosmetics (tie).)  Being able to watch soaps at night or on the weekends is great. I have TiVo, so I’m fine with recording them during the day to watch later, but there is a weird satisfaction in sitting at home at night and being like "Oh, Grey's Anatomy, so you say Izzie and George -- f'ing Izzie and George! -- are a couple now, huh?  Really?  Well, I'd rather click this little button right here and surf on over to another 'hospital' show that has one-tenth the medical accuracy, 'heroes' shooting at cops, and a wisecracking ghost in a track suit, so what do you think about that, you shark-jumping bitches?!"

Anyway, occasionally SoapNet does boneheaded stuff like pulling reruns of great soaps that haven’t been available to anyone for two decades in order to air recently canceled or inexplicably not-yet-canceled nighttime soaps that nobody cares enough to really watch during their first airings.  But then all is forgiven, because every one in a while, they have a super-fantastic idea. Previous examples include the Bo and Hope marathon, the Luke and Laura marathon, the Sami Brady marathon . . . pretty much marathons. I am emphatically pro-soapy-marathon.

So this year as a prelude to the Daytime Emmys, SoapNet whipped up some marathon magic in the form of an episode of each of the four shows nominated for Best Drama -- the Daytime Emmy Dramarama.

And since I 1) have the aforementioned marathon love, 2) only watch two soaps and really have no idea what else is out there, and 3) enjoy fictional people more than real ones, I decided to watch. And I thought, what would our readers like more than to hear my random musings about soaps that I know nothing about but that in all likelihood are near and dear to their hearts and therefore worthy of much better coverage than I could ever provide? I know, right? I’m always thinking of you guys. Anyway, here is the first in a series called Soaps I Don’t Watch.   

Seriously?! Prom: The Musical?!

So, in the midst of our technical problems a couple of weeks back, reader Cori suggested that we check out a musical prom storyline that's happening on One Life to Live.  And intrigued though I was by the idea (Grease is among my top five favorite movies ever, and I've always thought the one thing missing from my prom was a preppies-vs.-stoners musical duel), we got consumed with Emmy week madness.  But SoapNet and ABC Daytime insist on peppering our inboxes with pimping of said prom musical, so we simply could not ignore it any longer.  Let's let Cori introduce the whole shebang:

Completely unrelated, it's a shame that neither of you guys watch OLTL because this coming week they're doing...I kid you not...a musical. "Prom: The Musical." Featuring silly dancing and romance between the son of a rape victim and the daughter of the rapist. There's a music video promo on the ABC website which is more than snarkworthy, even if you've never seen OLTL.

Cori said there was a video.  But I thought, how could I possibly enjoy an excerpt from a show I've never seen?  Well, live and learn, dear readers, because this is The Video.

'Fess up, that was at the very least more hilarious than all 57 seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond and Two and a Half Men combined, right?

And there's more!

Yay Anglophilia

Am I the only person who has become completely enthralled with Hollyoaks? I am, aren't I?

If you have BBC America and are not watching Hollyoaks, you are really missing a delicious amount of soapiness. It's fantastic and tawdry and has normal looking cast members and wonderful accents, and a character named Mercedes McQueen which, I think, should tell you all you need to know about how freaking awesome this show is.

BBC America's website has a cast list with character summaries, and there's tons of info online although the US is quite behind the UK, so a lot of it is filled with spoilers. Unlike some shows currently taking up valuable space on the SoapNet lineup that could better go to Another World or Ryan's Hope, this show does not feature Chad Michael Murray in any way, which proves it is way more awesome than our teen soaps.  Remember on Dawson's Creek when they teased us for weeks with JEN'S SHOCKING SECRET and her big secret was that she had sex? Hollyoaks laughs at such pathetic secrets. Plus: fun accents! The really evil Clare Cunningham! The trampy aforementioned Mercedes McQueen!

Consider this a public service announcement. You'll thank me for it later.