Serial Drama

Night Shift Season Premiere: Pre-Recap Recap

Am I completely out of my mind, or was our optimism about this show warranted?  Patrick and Robin had a new conversation, and even bantered!  Jagger had a fun entrance, was charming, momentarily wore nothing but a towel, and introduced his adorable son named Stone!  The new hospital set is cool!  There was no hideous hair or fashion!  There were no mobsters, or murders set to music! 

Sure, there were low points:  Among other things, Dr. Ford's death scene was unintentionally hilarious, and Patrick being Chief of Staff is almost as ridiculous as a hitman being the hero of a soap opera.  But overall, it was good, right?

The full recap will be up Thursday night.  Perhaps by then I will have decided I hated this, but for now I'm....looking forward to next week's episode.  Of something related to General Hospital.  WHAT IS THIS FEELING AND HOW DO I COPE?!

poll by twiigs.com

Night Shift's Second Season Premieres Tomorrow. Are You Ready?

We have stocked up on booze, because optimism doesn't usually pay off for us, and at least one of us has confessed to really looking forward to this new season of Night Shift.  Are we crazy to think the new powers-that-be might actually be able to turn this show around?  Are we delusional to think that the combined hotness of Jason Thompson and Antonio Sabato Jr. can overcome almost any level of badness?  Are we suckers to believe that Robin might actually be treated well and get a storyline related to her pregnancy that doesn't involve her being a harpy and/or Patrick being a slimeball? 

The answer to all of these questions is probably "yes."  But we have to think positively, because we are staring down almost three months of weekly recaps of this show and if we don't start off with a positive attitude, can you imagine what our posts will be like come September?  Just expletives and exclamation points, probably. 

They've switched around the scheduling on us, and that in combination with some other behind-the-scenes changes means we won't be able to swing the almost immediate recaps that we did last year.  This time around, the episodes will air on Tuesday nights, and our recaps will go up on Thursdays.  We cannot guarantee that our positivity or objectivity will continue past the first five minutes of the first episode, but we're going to try to give this thing a fair shake, and not be overly harsh just because it previously stank to high heaven and is associated with a show that makes us want to take hostages on an almost daily basis.  It's a whole new approach we're trying out.  You have been warned.

So in our last poll, an astonishing 84% of you claimed to be looking forward to Night Shift 2: Allegedly Soapy Spin-Off Bugaloo just like we are.  The question is, what is the source of that optimism?  By which we mean, what or who will carry the burden of all our soapy hearts and dreams, most likely while descending into the pit of crappiness into which almost everything related to modern-day General Hospital ultimately falls?  (Shoot, sorry; old habits die hard.)

poll by twiigs.com

It's Official: ABC Hates Scorpios

ABC/SOAPNet hates the fictional Scorpio family.  There is no other logical explanation for the minimal screentime given the talented portrayers of members of that clan, nor for this....thing:

I watch General Hospital every day.  Kimberly McCullough may not be on-screen nearly enough for my liking, but I am certain that when she is, she has neither a double chin nor a wonky eye.  And Tristan Rogers is not, as I recall from his five minutes of screentime a year or more ago, a reanimated corpse.  Why then, does this promotional tool, presumably designed to make people actually want to tune in (to a show that can't exactly rest on its storytelling laurels), convey the opposite impression on both counts?

Also -- and I can't believe I actually have to encourage SOAPNet to cater better to viewers' base instincts -- if you have Jason Thompson and Antonio Sabato Jr. as your two male leads on a show whose target demographic is straight women and probably gay men, you put them AT THE FRONT OF THE AD.  Hell, you make your ads just shot after shot of the two of them in various states of undress and/or Blue Steel poses.  They are hotness in stereo.  Turn up the volume, ABC!  Even you shouldn't be able to screw this up.

Is This That Optimism Thing I've Heard So Much About?

I know they, whoever "they" are, say that you should live with no regrets.  But sadly, I have regrets.  They include, but are not limited to:

• going through a period circa Reality Bites and Before Sunrise during which I thought Ethan Hawke was a little bit attractive
• that my high school yearbook photo dedication includes the phrase "UR Audi5K"
• not discovering arugula salads until this year
• thinking Katherine Heigl was charming and/or down-to-earth
• my attitude from ages 13-19
• some really bad dates, especially the one with Scabby Leg Guy (I still don't believe that could happen playing soccer)
• owning acid-washed jeans
• taking almost half a season to get into Gossip Girl
• probably some truly meaningful things as well

But none of that compares to how much I regret giving many, many hours of my life last summer to a soul-sucking enterprise known as General Hospital: Night Shift.  Mallory and I not only watched every minute of the awfulness, we detailed them in recaps that almost drained us of the will to live.  If not for Jason Thompson appearing nearly naked in a shower on the first episode, we probably would have walked away from blogging forever.  That scene got us through a lot -- a lot -- of crappy ones that followed.

So why, then, am I optimistic for the new season of Night Shift that starts airing July 22nd?  Note: Your answer may not include "idiot," "drunk," or "your brain is more broken than Jason Morgan's."

Hear me out, you guys:  I really think there may be cause for positivity this time around!  My reasons include:

There Is No Soap God

Last week I had a nightmare that I was at work, naked except for a pair of huge white orthopedic nurse shoes, in a meeting with my ex-boyfriend and his mother that involved a PowerPoint presentation of mathematical formulas.  Somehow, this scenario is even worse:  There is going to be a second season of Night Shift that will start shooting next month and airing in late July.

One the one hand, this is horrible news, because of course Night Shift was -- despite the presence of a good cast [allegedly] led by Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough -- a no good very bad awful terrible crapfest of a show.  On the other hand, this is really horrible news, because now Mallory and I are certain to lose countless hours of our summer recapping this thing.  Now, I know you're thinking, ladies, drop the martyr routine, you don't have to recap this sequel from hell (sequhell?) -- leave well enough alone!  Or, in this case, leave crappy enough alone!  But that's not how we roll.  We are in this for the long haul.  We are committed to closely monitoring this new variation of the soap genre.  We are bighearted enough to take this televisual bullet so that our readers don't have to.  We are . . . really curious if Dr. Julian will get rid of the assy ponytail, whether there will be a serial killer who deflowers a popular young character on a gurney, and whether the writers this year will know what "alternate universe" actually means.  Clearly, we have no choice in the matter.

If you're one of those people who with time has forgotten how awful Night Shift was, and think I'm being too bitchy about there being a second season, well, after the jump is a refresher, in the form of our "recap" of the Night Shift first season finale.  Vitriol does a body good.

Catch Our Broadcast Debut Tonight! ...Or Whenever

Tonight's the night!  We are all set to make our broadcast debut at 10 PM tonight on In The Zone Radio.

We're incredibly excited to join the gracious hosts for what will surely be a fun evening of soap dishing.  We're going to try really hard not to pepper too many sentences with "dude"s (Becca) and "like"s (Mallory).

We hope that you can tune in tonight!  If you want to call in, please do!  (Remember, it's your job not to make us seem like reader-less losers!)  The number is (347) 996-5978.  Or you can IM via AIM  at InTheZoneRadio, or email questions to inthezone@sonuni.com.

If you can't listen tonight, fear not:  The interview will be available as a podcast, so you won't need to miss one hypercritical moment.

Updated 5/7: Well, we debuted.  The host and at least a couple of listeners thought we were unfunny in person as opposed to in writing, and said so, which wasn't the highlight of our lives but it mostly got better from there.  And seriously, it's not like we haven't put a lot of criticism out into the atmosphere; it was bound to boomerang on us.  Doing the show was really a fun experience and we truly appreciate the opportunity.  Thanks very much to In the Zone Radio for having us on!

If you want to check out the podcast, it's available here in the upper right corner.  (Mallory starts at the 8:42 mark, Becca joins at 13:15, and we get called unfunny at around 52:30 and several times thereafter.  There's about a 75-minute live show and then we stayed on after that for an off-air chat.)  Since clearly we are in the process of expanding our multi-media empire, next on the list is an all-shirtless touring production of Xanadu starring James Scott, Jason Thompson, Peter Bergman, and Greg Vaughn.   We'll keep you posted.

So...Much...Hatred...Can't...Speak...Coherently

A few years ago, I was embroiled in a one-sided feud with Horatio Sanz. Like all Saturday Night Live viewers, I was offended by the fact that he continued to have a job despite breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever. The feud consisted mainly of me saying to others, "Can you believe this shmuck still has a job after breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever?" It was a non-violent battle that I eventually won after eight long years. Luckily, my commitment to complaining is never hampered by fatigue, illness or a short attention span.

It's becoming more and more apparent that I need to protest Brian Frons just...existing, except that I am running out of ways to describe my disgust with the fact that he continues to be employed. I don't think a combination of words in the English language could properly convey my angst, except, like, "He's...just...ugh...!!!...worst...???...ugh...hate", but that's not an actual sentence.

I really thought that someone, at some point, would realize that, since all of the ABC Daytime shows have bled viewers since he took over, he's not even competent at his job, let alone good at it. No dice. I thought that the SNM Fiasco would make some take notice and say, "Um, isn't this the channel for soap operas?" But, again, nothing. And now, more dumbassedness.

In addition to bolstering daytime with such ad deals, the company is broadening its plan for Soapnet, moving it from being a home for soap opera reruns to one for original content, as well as more acquired primetime soaps and movie dramas. The network has bought a packet of small to midsize movies to add to its Sunday night movie franchise: Romy and Michelle: In the Beginning; I Do, They Don't; Face on the Milk Carton; Relative Chaos; and I Want to Marry Ryan Banks.

Soapnet is also moving forward with Relative Madness, six hour-long specials this summer on the most over-the-top TV and celebrity families, with commentary from talent including comedian Joy Behar, dancer Chris Judd, and mother/daughter socialites Lisa and Britney Gastineau.

There is so much wrong embedded in those 124 words.

(1)Brian Frons PAID MONEY for the chance to broadcast:

• The terrible prequel to a guilty pleasure movie
• A wacky movie starring Josie "Jane" Bissett and Rob "Kyle" Estes
• The cheesy TV movie adaptation of a book that freaked me out when I was younger, starring Kellie Martin, who I cannot stand
• A movie starring, among others, Charisma Carpenter, Nick Brendon and Terry Bradshaw, about siblings named Dil, Gil and Lil fighting for something that I am sure is wacky and hilarious. Maybe it's just me, but no rhyming sibling names will ever top Huey, Dewey and Louie Duck and I have to tell you, I'm 99% sure that broadcasting DuckTales would be more profitable than this movie
• Some crappy movie about starring Brandon Walsh, Anya and Mark "No, not the Academy award nominated, hot one. The other one. With no H in his name. Yeah. I hosted Temptation Island and am doing time with Moment of Truth. Yeah" Walberg. Award-winning, for sure

Seriously, why not just buy the rights to "The Multi Cultural Megashow", the epic musical my elementary school did when I was in fifth grade? Sure, it had lyrics like "Here is a story, a story it is, and the drums are talking, that is how it is" and a song called "A Yup A Dup", but it's clearly higher quality than any of the aforementioned movies.

(2) You know what has nothing to do with soap operas? Television programming about celebrity families. Why are they ripping off the E! ripoffs of VH1 celebrity shows?

(3) Life has reached a new low when you're describing Joy Behar, J. Lo's second ex-husband and the Gastineau Girls as "talent"

(4) Isn't this channel supposed to be about soap operas? Isn't that what the SOAP in SOAPNet is?

Let's sit back and let Frons explain why this isn't a massive mistake:

“We wanted to recognize the fact that we live in a soap nation—primetime soaps, daytime soaps, Britney Spears soaps,” says Frons. Soapnet currently programs 40 hours of original programming a week, and Frons says he would like to double that number over the next two years.

“America has been getting their soap fix in a lot of different ways other than or in addition to the daily soaps, and so we're reflecting that on the channel, all with a soapy filter—otherwise it's just another women's network.”

Oh...okay, I think I get it now. As a nation, we watch a few primetime soaps that get middling ratings, we have been tuning out from daytime soaps in droves in the past few years and the shows that Frons himself oversees have been hemorraghing viewers and we are morbidly fascinated by the breakdown of a mentally ill popstar. Ergo, ipso facto, we want to watch crappy made-for-tv movies and d-list celebrities and celebrity hangers on talking about other celebrities.

SOAPNet is also going to broadcast a Canadian primetime soap about hockey player's wives or something. Frons explains:

"When we talk to the viewers about what kind of women they really like on shows, we get two answers: One is the very strong, powerful woman who is either a mother or businesswoman who has made her mark in the world, and the other is the one who has this great, hot guy and lives an amazing life," he said

I am pretty sure my brain just collapsed on itself. The fact that this man has a high powered, influential job has sent me spiralling into a depression. I am going to go eat some Ben & Jerry's and cry myself to sleep now.

New Feature Alert: Serial Drama Dish Forums!

Happy new year, everyone!  We are excited to ring in 2008 with big news:  We're launching a message board!  We considered several names, including Serial Drama's Den of Bitterness, Hatred, and Some Remaining Vestiges of Humor.  But ultimately we went with a little alliteration and a soapy reference, dubbing the new forums Serial Drama Dish.

We know what you're thinking:  The online world needed another soap forum, seriously?  Well, we are just self-centered enough to think that we might be able to bring a slightly different flair to things, and we liked the idea of bringing all of Serial Drama's readers together in one place, other than in a hateful mob outside ABC Daytime's headquarters (which has looked like a distinct possibility of late).

So, what's the point of the forums?  Well, first, we know that many of you have lots to say, and long comments in response to our posts are great, but, let's face it, 1) our stuff isn't really that deep, and 2) the longer replies are hard for some people to read through, especially that rare breed of internet user who reads blogs at work.  So, in an effort to streamline the comments a bit so that they're really responses to/disagreements with/reactions to  posts, we're include a Dish About Serial Drama area in the new forums.  That way, if you have longer responses or a post prompts an extended back-and-forth among readers, you can head over to a better venue.  Also in Dish About Serial Drama, you'll find a place to make suggestions about post topics and submit Expression Hall of Fame entries, among other things.  (We appreciate all the emails we get from many of you about those things, but thought your fellow readers might like to participate, too.)

But really, we anticipate most of the traffic will be in the Shows Forum.  There you'll find what we hope are user-friendly and well-organized sub-forums for each of the daytime soaps still on the air (including ones we don't usually cover here on the blog), as well as an area for threads about other soaps.  We hope you fill that forum with lots of witty, insightful, bitchy, and/or bitter observations about the state of your favorite shows.

For now, the forums are on a trial basis, but we hope they'll thrive thanks to the good humor and astute commentary of our Serial Drama readers. So please register (or not -- guests are free to read the boards), read the rules, and post away!  Please enter the forums through the new link in the navigation bar at the top of the page or in the right-hand column here on the blog.  They're just a click away!

We'll see how this goes.  It's kind of a weird idea, but then we thought starting a blog to make fun of soap operas was a weird idea too, and that seems to have worked out relatively well.  You know, if you don't count the hate mail, carpal tunnel, and PTSD from repeated exposure to screencaps of soap "fashion."

Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2007

As 2007 draws to a close, we are partaking in our favorite year-end rituals, which include watching endless marathons of Law & Order, Project Runway, and I Love The [Insert Decade Here]s, making resolutions that we're obviously going to forget by Presidents' Day (Becca hopes to control both her Irish temper and household clutter, and Mallory plans to drink more water), and, naturally, looking back at the past year with a critical eye.

Since we love lists and we love bitchery, we're pleased to present you with a merger of those two loves, in the form of Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2007.

Be It Resolved . . .

For the first time in its history, the House of Serial Drama Representatives deems it necessary to pass a measure to commemorate a significant, blog-altering event.  Specifically, the following resolution serves as formal notice that "hotly" has left the building.

General Hospital Week in Review

Oh show, why do you suck so?

How boring is General Hospital right now?  Why, with this cast and history, isn't this the best soap on daytime?  Oh, right, the writing.  I bet you wouldn't think that if you could watch the show on your Blackberry, though!

Let's start off with the dumbest thing that happened this week, the clunky attempt to integrate Night Shift storylines back into OG GH.  I thought Night Shift was supposed to have stand-alone episodes?  I thought it was supposed to be an "alternate universe" that wouldn't cross over to regular GH?  I thought the showrunners had decided it wasn't possible to integrate the two shows?  And most importantly, I thought we were rid of this horribly crappy spin-off?!

Friday's episode would have made no sense to someone who didn't watch Night Shift, right?  And the majority of General Hospital viewers actually didn't watch Night Shift, right?  How would someone who only subjects themselves to regular GH have known (or cared):

• why Cody was in jail?
• why Dr. Julian is limping?
• what Epiphany is talking about re: exploding ambulances, pulling plugs, switching meds, and shoot-outs?
• why Kelly was freaking out about a couple of teenagers being schmoopy, or why she's in sex addition therapy
• that Andy has a drug addiction?
• why Jolene is the "angel of death" or how she got shot?

And on Night Shift, Leyla and Patrick have been sleeping together for weeks and Robin knows it, but on GH it's big news that they're going on a date, and Robin is upset about it?  Plus:

Leyla to Robin:  [Y]ou don’t get to belittle me just because your boyfriend broke up with you.

What?  Didn't I see GH Robin break up with GH Patrick, not the other way around? 

Liz: How happy are you to be done with night shift duty?
Robin:  Let me count the ways.  Unfortunately, the after effects still linger.

How deliciously meta.

I would have preferred a Dirty-Dancing-esque, "This is my dance space, this is your dance space" approach to the two shows.  I call foul on the spaghetti arms!  And I am totally okay with putting Night Shift in a corner.  Uh, this comparison is getting away from me, so let me just sum up by saying that say what you will about GH, it is perfectly capable of not living up to its potential without an assist from another, even more disappointing, soap.

This week, a DNA test confirmed that Scott is Logan's father.

Well knock me over with a feather.

Despite fantastic casting, the writers managed to drain this reveal of any drama whatsoever by speeding through the paternity issue at the same breakneck speed they did Logan and Lulu's "relationship."  So...meh.  It was good to see Kin Shriner, and nice to hear Scott finally mention Serena, but there had better be a new and interesting twist to this storyline, soon.

Night Shift in Review: "Primetime Spin-off" Means "Late-night Crap-fest" in Los Angelese

Since apparently the wise powers-that-be who oversaw the train wreck that was Night Shift in their infinite wisdom have decided to now bring a ton of the crap from that show to OG GH, and because many of you were luckily spared the spin-off viewing experience but will now be in the dark about some of the "storylines" that happened over those painful 13 weeks, here are some handy links to our recaps of the entire [almost exclusively awful] series. 

• Episode 1: Frayed Anatomies (Mallory)
• Episode 2: Skin Deep (Becca)
• Episode 3: Paternity Ward (Mallory)
• Episode 4: Keep the Change (Becca)
• Episode 5: Bed, Bath and Be Gone (Mallory)
• Episode 6: Love's Labors (Becca)
• Episode 7: Mother's Day (Mallory)
• Episode 8: Employee of the Month (Becca)
• Episode 9: Gutter Ball (Mallory)
• Episode 10: Falling Star (Becca)
• Episode 11: Fools In Love (Mallory)
• Episode 12: What Becomes of the Broken Hearted (Mallory)
• Episode 13: Time Served (tag team)

Disappointment, disgust, and expletives, ahoy!   Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to comfort Jason Thompson in his time of need.

Night Shift Episode 13: Time Served

Oh man, you guys, did you watch?  We could go into great detail about all the dropped storylines, plot holes, character destruction, plagiarism, and general incompetence involved in this show.  We could rant about how on a scale of one to ten this show, especially the last episode, would be like a minus 17.  We could write a thesis on how if the people behind Night Shift had made a conscious effort to stock it full of industrial-strength suck, it couldn't have been worse than what we got.  But even for you, dear readers, we won't do any of that.  It's too much effort. So after 12 painstakingly detailed recaps, for the finale we're casting that approach aside.  Instead, you get parts of our IM conversation from during the show, and random lists.  Uh, we hope it will be more enjoyable than it looks just written out like that.  But we're not promising anything.  The show may very well have zapped us of our ability to entertain, having set such a poor example itself.

Admittedly, we didn't go into the finale with the best of attitudes:

Becca: I am so glad this is the last hour of this crapfest that we'll have to sit through. It is going to be challenging to make a recap entertaining. I hope Patrick has at least one "hotly"-worthy moment.
Mallory: All I am hoping for is some Jason hilarity. I am looking forward to JASON. I am officially brainwashed
Becca: Right?! The episodes he wasn't on were the worst. Which is just...tragic. It's a soap opera tragedy. But without a dramatic death, or adultery, or a disfiguring accident.  Which is so wrong.  Speaking of tragedies, I have made the mistake of using the half-hour leading up to Night Shift to watch The Office ep that I TiVo'd earlier tonight.  Do you know how damaging it is going to be to my psyche to go from that brilliance to Night Shift?
Mallory: Maybe we can just recap The Office instead. "Regularly scheduled recapping will be pre-empted indefinitely for a show that doesn't blow"
Becca: I'm in.  And it's not even totally off-topic, since tonight's guest star on The Office was OMG EDWARD QUARTERMAINE!!!
Mallory: I KNOW!!!  I almost died
Becca: You know, if we do this right, maybe we can avoid the horrible topic of Night Shift entirely.
Mallory: Oh, we can try our hardest. Remember when the show didn't suck? In that first episode? Good times
Becca: I maintain that the boob job incident ruined the show's mojo. You can't recover from something like that.
Mallory: So true. Making Jason Thompson look skeevy is something that takes effort and these writers made that effort. Why they can't make it to, you know, tell a decent and cohesive story is a story for another time

But as has been true throughout these looooong 13 weeks, we were right not to heighten our expectations:

Becca: I know it's been about 15 minutes so I should be over it, but: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
Mallory: I'm trying to repress it, whatever it was
Becca: I think we need to put this in perspective. And also, composing lists always makes us feel better. Therefore, topic: Things that are worse than General Hospital: Night Shift
Becca: famine
Becca: war
Mallory: genocide
Becca: some diseases
Becca: animal cruelty
Mallory: child abuse
Becca: certain polyesters
Mallory: Hunter Tylo's boob job
Becca: Donald Trump's hair
Mallory: clowns
Becca: Hee!
Mallory: I'd rather watch Night Shift than IT , because IT could kill me and Night Shift only makes me want to kill myself, so at least I'd have a choice in the matter
Becca: You know what, I take back the Trump thing.  I would rather have stared at his hair for 13 one-hour segments than have watched this show.  And at least on The Apprentice people get fired. Plus I bet IT didn't ruin one of your celebrity crushes.
Mallory:  IT lived in my freezer and I was too freaked out to open the freezer to get ice cream. But Jason Thompson losing his dreaminess is probably slightly more tragic
Becca: I will fight hard to maintain my Jason Thompson crush.  None of this is his fault.  Do you think that a couple of episodes in, he and Kimberly McCullough realized what was going down and tried to escape?  Like, did they have to chain the soundstage doors?  I envision it like the prom scene in Carrie, only with slightly less pig's blood.
Mallory: I bet he and Kelly Monaco go out for drinks and are like, "No, seriously, what the hell did we do to those writers?"

Becca: Oh god, here we go. Why didn't I have more Grey Goose?
Mallory: Seriously, it's time to bust out the shot glass
Becca: "Previously, on Night Shift" . . .we stole 12 hours of your life you'll never get back, you gullible morons.
Mallory: Aren't they in an ER? That is no time for flirting. Oh, sorry, "flirting"
Becca: Oh my GOD, Robin's hair: why???
Mallory: Honestly, she should be jailed for that

. . . . .

Mallory: Oh! Billy Dee isn't dead! This is good news! Maybe we'll get another song and dance dream sequence to an oldies song
Becca: The screen helpfully tells me the finale is called "Time Served" -- genius! Watching this show has definitely been a sentence.
Becca: Another f'ing pregnant woman? Seriously? Do these writers know of not a single other medical emergency?
Mallory: It's either pregnant woman in peril or someone with a broken brain
Mallory: Robin's hair manages to look both dry and greasy. And also like someone cut her bangs with a butter knife. I can't get over it
Becca: It's horrible. It distracted me from the otherwise nice-ish-ness of that scene with her and Patrick in the locker room.

Possible Explanations for the Storyline- and Hair-Related Atrocities Forced on Kimberly McCullough and Jason Thompson

• retaliation for Gloria Monty's ghost's constant 'shipping of Robin and Patrick
• Bob Guza is angry that Jason Thompson gets to share a name with the holiest of hitmen and yet uses his power for good, not evil
• the NS brass is Team 50 Cent while Kimberly and Jason are Team Kanye
• a potent combination of anti-Canadianism and anti-Daytime-Emmy-winnerism
• executives were furious over the "Scrubs" nickname, particularly that it could inadvertently tie them to Zach Braff and therefore The Last Kiss

Mallory: Regina just said everything would be fine when Dr. Lee got there to take care of the baby. If that's not a death sentence, I don't know what is. They should have just paged Jason to do the delivery!
Becca: Dr. Lee, hey there. Shall we start keeping track of dropped storylines? (1) Kelly's sex addiction.
Mallory: (2) Everything Maxie related
Becca: (3) _____ Barrett, unless in the next 53 minutes they plan to reveal her identity, her connection to Jason, how she got injured, and what the consequences of her being in town are. Of course, these are the people who wrote Logan and Lulu's 35-minute romance, so maybe that could all happen.

Things With Fewer Holes Than Night Shift Plots

• swiss cheese
• fishnet stockings
• beehives
• Carlsbad caverns
• the entire catalog of Michael Bay

First Anniversary Self-Indulgence: Google Is Love

Technology affords us the awesome ability to see what search engine searches lead poor unsuspecting internet surfers to our little corner of the world.  We keep some of the results, because they are so entertaining on a number of levels (not because we don't have lives, okay?).  Some are hilariously random, others are hysterical because someone actually thought the internet could answer the question (and only responds to full sentences), some are bizarre because they directed people here, and some are awesomely insightful into people's thoughts on the shows we love to mock.  We thought we'd take the occasion of our first anniversary as an excuse to share with you how some of your fellow readers found us.  We give you:  Our favorite Google searches.

• how many times has susan lucci had facial surgery on her face?
• is liz pregnant with jason's baby (general hospital)
• don diamont's hair never moves
• hunter tylo looks like a freak
• do guza hate women
• IS KELLY MONACO DOING OKAY WITH THE NEW STORYLINE ON GENERAL HOSPITAL
• in general hospial night shift who is putting all the bad things in peoples things
• gh nightshift makes no sense
• what do sonny and jason do
• amber trashing up show young and restless
• where did steve burton's neck go
• why was charity rahmer replaced
• shouldn't jerry know carly
• jason morgan/ spinelli slash
• why are they writing such a crappy storyline on gh for sam and jason?
• jason cook's home address days of our lives
• is jason morgan really a murderer
• the young and the restless writers is stupid
• can i see rick and sam having sex on general hospital
• i don't understand general hospital night shift
• gh steve burton did he double in size?
• night shift is a really bad show

The truly random:

• husband wears pantyhose during sex why
• some one's being a full-on diva skank
• gauchos and dress code policy in hospital setting
• soap stealing robot that ruined our lives
• drugging your boss
• are you a fugly skank?
• leggings parking tickets women prison

If you're curious about the most popular searches, they are some variation on the following (in no particular order)

• are Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough dating in real life
• Laura Wright's hair
• Megan Ward's hair
• Carly on GH's wardrobe [Sob!  - Eds.]
• Hunter Tylo plastic surgery
• Serial Drama/Serial Drama blog/Serial Drama soaps funny

Search engines are responsible for a huge portion of our traffic, so we should love them for that reason, but even if they never sent us a single returning reader we'd love them forever for the entertainment the searches alone provide us. 

It's Serial Drama's First Anniversary!

It hardly seems possible, but it's been a whole year since two girls with a dream and lots of pent-up soap anger started putting their criticism-with-a-Mean Girls-flare out for all of the internets to see.  We didn't think anyone would read, and for a while you didn't.  But then you did.  And you spread the word.  And you started commenting.  And now, we'd like to think we're a well-established online kvetching locale.

We really can't believe it's be a year!  (Yes, there are some posts from before October 1, 2006, but those are thanks to the magic of back-dating.  We didn't want people showing up and having almost nothing to read.  Which didn't turn out to be a problem because, you know, like seven people read us for the first month and by then we'd built up more posts.)  Anyway, so much has happened around here in the last twelve months.  Our first year, by the numbers:

• 388 posts
• two knock-down, drag-out fights over Jason Thompson and James Scott
• two blogs (we'll always have Blogger, longtime readers!)
• one unexpected and fabulous gig as Soap Opera Digest columnists
• two [recently retired] nicknames
• 157 cases of Diet Coke
• more than 500,000 page loads (!!!)
• a dozen advertisers
• one Blogger's Choice Awards nomination
• posts on at least 10 shows (All My Children, Beverly Hills 90210, The Bold and the Beautiful, Days of Our Lives, General Hospital, Guiding Light, Hollyoaks, Night Shift, One Life To Live , The Young and the Restless)
• one guest blogger
• two very steep HTML-coding learning curves
• more references to hair than probably any non-beauty-focused blog in the history of the series of tubes we like to call the internet
• many hundreds of screencaps courtesy of people with way more technical talent and patience than we could ever hope to have
• about 3,000 "OMG, is [show] f'ing kidding me with this?!"-esque emails

We are still having an absolute blast with the site and thank you all so much for one of the most unexpectedly entertaining, life-altering, hilarity-filled years a couple of office-bound friends could ever have. 

To celebrate the first anniversary of this little bitch-fest that could, we're going to engage in a week or so of self-indulgent reminiscing.  We hope you would expect nothing less.  Sincere thanks for reading, and please stick around for year #2!

- Bec and Mal

Night Shift Episode 12: What Becomes of the Broken Hearted

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Leyla and Patrick did the nasty; Robin found out that Leyla and Patrick did the nasty; Robin briefly kidnapped Stacy's baby before finally returning her to her father; Kelly and Andy tried to help each other with their addictions but didn't realize that they needed to be saved from themselves; Jolene and MedCam continued their evil planning; Cody pulled the plug on Lainey's father; Spinelli ruined by entire year with his freakout over his self-diagnosed sex addiction; the _______ Barrett storyline was introduced and promptly forgotten; Billy Dee was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor

Becca had a scheduling conflict last night, so you have me for another week. And I think we all know that "scheduling conflict" means "turning to the guidance of the Amish rather than allow one more second of Night Shift to pollute her innocent eyes".

Night Shift Episode 11: Fools In Love

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Robin had her insane lil' heart stamped on when Stacy's ex came to claim his daughter and quashed her crazy plan to adopt the baby; Patrick got horizontal with Leyla; the vicious, mean-spirited writers had bumbling, awkward Spinelli lose his virginity to a serial killer; Kelly was addicted to sex, which led her to do her best Katherine Heigl impression and strip to her skivvies and announce it to the world; Andy was addicted to drugs; Regina was bad at her job, and also had an abortion in the past, which...makes it okay that she's bad at her job, at least according to Dr. Julian; Cody assaulted Lainey on a regular basis and then bonded with her over her ill father; Billy Dee Williams had a few dizzy spells and collapsed

When I realized that it was Thursday (often, this is a big revelation for me, because I am oblivious to the world 2/3 of the time and I only pay attention the remaining 1/3 after I watch a lot of Law & Order and decide that I need to pay more attention to things because it will come in handy if I ever witness a crime and need to give a statement to the police), I was excited at first because Thursday means that it's practically Friday and Thursday also means The Office and I got to rewatch Pam's adorable smile when Jim asked her for dinner, and then I realized the downside of this particular Thursday: It was my week to recap Night Shift.

There are so many things I'd prefer to do: listen to Fall Out Boy. Clean my room. Read the collected works of TS Eliot. I'd draw the line at watching Celebrity Rap Superstar, but only just.

Lord, beer me strength.

Our September Soap Opera Digest Column

We hope that you were all able to check out the 9/18 issue of Soap Opera Digest. The cover had everything you could possibly hope for: shirtless James Scott! Pretty Megan Ward! Steve Burton looking like someone just asked him the square root of 49! For our September My Take/My Take, Too  column, we turned our hypercritical eyes to two of the most disappointing soaps: General Hospital: Night Shift and All My Children.

Becca discusses the tragic trajectory of NS and wonders how the powers-that-be managed to screw up a full hour of television centered around Patrick and Robin, let alone why they decided to waste Billy Dee Williams the way they have. Mallory was in mourning, trying to cope with pain of Greenlee losing her charm, Spike and Ian in peril, and Jonathan Lavery's continued presence in Pine Valley.

Night Shift Episode 10: Falling Star

Previously, the people who run General Hospital once again stomped on the hearts of soap lovers everywhere by completely screwing up what could have been a really good show but instead is a pointless, boring, and occasionally offensive piece of crap drama whose only claim to fame if there is any justice in the television world will be that it managed to alienate more fanbases in 13 weeks than anyone had previously thought possible.

Oh, on the actual show?  Robin and Patrick, around whom this show was supposed to be built, were really annoying for eight weeks and then they broke up.  Robin had a serious case of the baby rabies (thanks, Mallory, for introducing me to that phrase), and decided to adopt the baby of a woman she'd known for less time than it takes me to buy a really good-fitting pair of jeans.  Jason was uncharacteristically charming and sympathetic; I think the industrial cleaning supplies might have caused a new kind of brain damage, and I therefore want Sonny to get sentenced to community service as a janitor too.  Patrick kissed Leyla on the roof, treating us to Jason Thompson's first chemistry-less romantic interaction of his two-year tenure as Patrick.  Dr. Kelly Lee slept with...well, a whole lot of people, and is clearly coping with some kind of childhood abuse, but in the meantime one of her conquests slapped the hospital with a sexual harassment lawsuit.  Jolene turned out to be a serial killer working for MedCam, the big evil corporation that wants to devalue GH so it can buy it on the cheap.  And it turned out Robin didn't know her "good friend" Stacy that well, because Stacy's ex-boyfriend Curtis showed up to claim his daughter despite Stacy's story to Robin that she'd used an anonymous sperm donor. 

Also, Maxie flatlined like 26 times but is now out and about in Port Charles, and Cooper -- who apparently never visited her in the hospital -- hasn't been seen since the first episode.  There is a mysterious ______ Barrett character lurking around the hospital after being severely burned, and much to our horror we suspected she's supposed to be a recast Brenda, but nothing has happened with her in weeks.  Neither of these stories was featured on this episode, which is just as well, because I like Maxie and don't want her associated with this, and more ______ Barrett would have upped the suckage level to a point where I don't think we have the instrumentation to measure.

I really don't understand this show.  It blatantly rips off elements of other, more successful and entertaining shows but manages to make even those elements crappy, it's so boring that sometimes I think I'm watching a repeat when I'm not, nobody I know likes or fesses up to watching it, yet the ratings are good and they're talking about doing another season of it.  Night Shift is the soap opera equivalent of Nickelback.

Aaaanyway, you really want to know what happened in the tenth episode though, huh?  Oh, all right.

Night Shift Episode 9: Gutter Ball

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Lainey's father's condition is worsening and he needs surgery deemed by Dr. Ford to be unnecessary because Dr. Ford hates all human beings; we were introduced to a Kentucky fried southern caricature playing the MedCam guy; Epiphany mooned over Billy Dee Williams; Maxie had an abscess in BJ's heart and had emergency surgery performed by the increasingly dreamy Dr. Leo Julian,  but then flatlined due to the machinations of MYSTERIOUS FIGURE; MYSTERIOUS FIGURE was revealed to be Jolene; Robin contracted a case of baby rabies and made plans to adopt Stacy's daughter; Patrick observed the Robin hijinks and responded with his best impression of Marge Simpson's exasperated groan; Nazanin Boniadi was put on contract at the OG GH; Amanda Baker was tapped to play Babe on All My Children; the actress who plays Regina was like "What the hell?!"

There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand, like why people have bad phone manners, trigonometry, how fax machines work, Fergie, etc. And now we can add something else to the list: how Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps were given a new show to write without ever having to provide anyone with an outline for how the 13 episodes would go.

BRIAN FRONS: We want you to write a show with some of the GH characters, but make it a little different.
BOB GUZA: What will I write about?
BRIAN FRONS: Don't know, don't care.
BOB GUZA: 'Kay!

I mean, giving this kind of freedom to two people with long track records of decimating shows seems unwise, to say the least.

Night Shift Episode 8: Employee of the Month

Previously, General Hospital: Night Shift pretty much sucked and lived up to none of its "More Drama.  More Sex.  More Soap.  More Story." tagline.  If you need to catch up on the series so far, here's an episode-by-episode recap:

• promising
• horrible
• meh
• boring
• terrible
• awful
• decent (just to throw us)

I'd summarize last night's as "bad."  There have been worse episodes, but this was a pretty crappy hour of television.

Night Shift: What Say You?

The "Employee of the Month" recap will be up later today (once Becca recovers fully from her eyeroll-induced migraine) but we'd like to ask you, dear readers, how you feel about the show. We haven't been shy about our disappointment with the show and have been vocal about our frustration with poor writing, heinous editing, appalling performances and people acting completely out of character for the past eight episodes. To sum up, we think it sucks. And blows. But since we've earned a reputation as being hypercritical and unnecessarily harsh, we want to hear what you think.

more at twiigs.com...

Night Shift Episode 7: Mother's Day

PREVIOUSLY on General Hospital: Night Shift: Maxie effing flatlined! And nobody mentioned it in the next episode! What the hell, show? I simply must know if she, you know, DIED while people blithely embarrassed themselves and their future progeny by making herky jerky movements set to a lame cover of "Dancing in the Streets" in a poor attempt to juxtapose "Life in crisis!" with "Life goes on! With music!" That really offended me far, far more than I can put into words. The dropping the ball on Maxie, I mean, not the bad dancing, although that was offensive in its own way.

On the last episode of Night Shift, the show followed the lead of one the shows it blatantly rips off by having someone perform surgery in an elevator; it followed the lead of another of the shows it blatantly rips off by titling an episode "Love's Labors" and featuring an emergency c-section performed by someone unqualified to do the operation (of course, NS differs from ER in that the hitman/janitor on Night Shift did a better C-section than the medical doctor on ER. And also, the "Love's Labor Lost" episode of ER was one of the most brilliant, heart wrenching episodes of television ever); Billy Dee Williams was cruelly betrayed by his elevator, which was broken no doubt by MYSTERIOUS FIGURE; Patrick was a dick; Robin was oversensitive, jealous and allegedly overinvolved in Stacy's case; much in the manner of only Patrick hearing "When The Saints Go Marching In", only Robin was able to see that Leyla pretty much sucks at her job.

Night Shift Episode 6: Love's Labors

Previously on Night Shift:  The show started off with a promising premiere but since then has plummeted downhill faster than Lindsay Lohan's sobriety.  This week's episode wasn't as bad as last week's or the second one, but it still wasn't good.  I still think the writers didn't sit down and map out a 13-episode arc, because the show doesn't hang together week to week, and there's no character development that you would expect from a weekly drama.  The only real constant is Patrick and Robin's ridiculously redundant and increasingly nonsensical bickering.  This week, there wasn't even any charming banter to help balance it out.  Sigh.

We open with what initially looks like a grainy dream/nightmare sequence (like last week) involving Robin and Patrick's patient dying. But then Robin is sitting in Dr. Ford's office with Ford and a hospital lawyer to say that what happened at the hospital that night is a major catastrophe, so the grainy footage is apparently a flashback.  Then we cut to Robin carrying coffee to the nurses' station, and it's clear we're going to be doing the whole "show the conclusion first and then the many hours leading up to it" thing that every drama in the history of the world, including GH itself during the last sweeps period, has done.  A total lack of originality by the GH team.  Who could have seen this coming?!

Also in the hospital, Patrick is flirting/talking with Leyla.   Robin sees them, overreacts significantly, and gives his coffee away to Jolene before storming off.  Who could have seen this coming?!

Spinelli is doing his usual thing, following Jason around like a (really weird) puppy.  He shows the hitman/janitor the latest version of The Saga of Stone Cold, the video game that looks like you would play it on a Commodore 64.  Jason is angry Spinelli didn't delete the game.  Spinelli is stoked to have improved the game with a new "uber villain" named The Cackling Clown (based on that bizarre patient from last week), complete with an animated disembodied clown's head graphic.  I will be seeking a new blog and column collaborator, because somewhere in New York, Mallory just had a stroke. 

Night Shift Episode 5: Bed, Bath and Be Gone

There are times, more often than not, that my standards for entertainment are not that high. I enjoy quality things, but, you know, I read US Weekly. I watch The Hills. I firmly believe that Christina Aguilera can do no wrong.

But I do have some standards. And it's becoming more and more clear as each episode is aired that General Hospital: Night Shift is not up to those vague, not really that high at all, standards.

Since the promising pilot, the quality has veered from the downright tragically awful, to the so-so, to the unbearably boring to...whatever this episode was.

Night Shift Episode 4: Keep the Change

You know how sometimes you'll meet a new guy, and you think, he is the dreamiest!  Cute, smart, funny, treats his friends well, doesn't wear pleated khakis?  And then you go out and you realize eh, still cute, but not really all that smart, doesn't like to read, funny only if he's repeating movie quotes, and wears white sneakers?  But you stick it out for a second date and maybe a third, at which point you realize that if you spend any more time with this guy, you are either going to black out from boredom or kill him and possibly yourself just to end the misery?

That guy = Night Shift.

I tried to like it.  Really, I did!  I love the characters of Patrick and Robin.  I like GH stories that actually feature the hospital.  I adored the idea of plotlines that didn't revolve around Sonny, Jason, and Carly.  And the first episode didn't suck, which was promising.  But it's been downhill from there.  Why was I so optimistic about something from the people who bring GH into my living room everyday?  I have no idea. 

This week wasn't as awful as the second episode (the first one that I recapped, and still the worst so far, in my opinion), but it was so boring and pointless.  You know it's a bad episode when 1) I think Spinelli is the most amusing part, 2) I think Jason being on it would have improved it, 3) there is absolutely no charming Patrick and Robin banter, 4)  I miss the ______ Barrett sub-plot, and 5) I think there were episodes of GH last week that moved more stories forward.

I still think Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough are great together, and I kind of like Alternate Reality Jason (not that he was on this week), but I really could do without the rest of it.  The writing is terrible.  In this week's Soap Opera Digest, some SoapNet person makes noises about turning Night Shift into a regular (not limited run) series, and at this point I can't imagine they'll be able to sustain viewership for that. But then again I continue to watch OG GH, so clearly there are those of us who are gluttons for TV punishment. 

On with the blow-by-blow.  I hope you're sufficiently caffeinated.

Night Shift Episode 3: Paternity Ward

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Jason was sentenced to mopping floors and wandering the hallways as community service for shooting Spinelli; Billy Dee Williams was creepy; Maxie was admitted to GH with a possibly life-threatening illness and bonded with Dr. Julian; Dr. Ford hated the human race; Stan hated corporate America and The Man; the writers found the concept of boobs to be absolutely LOL hilarious; Leyla was inappropriate with Patrick; the show decided to clumsily tackle serious racial issues; Sgt. Unsavory attacked Lainey, opened up to her and then asked her out for coffee; Kelly and Stan had some hot shower action; Clown Tapestry Lady made a reference to being stabbed by produce; _________ Barrett knows who Jason is; Patrick lost the "hotly" descriptor on account of being sleazy; the show sucked in myriad ways. 

And I had been really delighted by the pilot, clunkiness and Grey's Anatomy overtones aside. It's my own fault for being naive, you know? What on earth was I doing being optimistic about a show run by the same people currently ruining General Hospital? That's like tuning into According to Jim and earnestly looking for laughs. Foolish!

Night Shift Episode 2: Skin Deep

Previously on Night Shift, stuff happened in Port Charles in stories centered around a hospital, with only minimal mob involvement.  Record numbers of shock- and confusion-induced coronaries were reported nationwide among General Hospital viewers.  However, Jason Morgan is in jail awaiting trial on a murder charge in one version of General Hospital, but out and being heroic in the hospital in the other version of General Hospital, because apparently some level of mob entanglement is essential.  But most importantly, Jason Thompson was hotly naked in a shower.  A fake shower, sure, and not totally naked, I imagine, but Jason Thompson was hotly naked in a shower, for our purposes.  (Which are lust and the suspension of reality.)

Promising Ingénue brilliantly kicked off the Night Shift recaps last week, so I have very little to add.  There are just two things that really irked me, which are true of this week's episode too, so I thought I'd get them out of the way from the get-go:

1.  Jason Basically Being Two Different People:  Okay, I know Night Shift and General Hospital are two separate shows (most tellingly because the first is actually centered around a hospital), but they share most of the same characters. Therefore I cannot get past the fact that on GH at 3pm Jason is in state prison, and on NS at 11pm he’s out, rescuing old ladies who make terrifying clown needlepoints and then (spoiler!) serving out probation as a janitor. There’s no explanation for it! It’s not even a “businessman by day, Chippendale’s dancer by night”-like story, it’s just . . . stupid! Dumb! Idiotic! If they had to shoehorn Jason into this new show, they had plenty of notice and time to plan, so why didn’t they make his story blend like they did everybody else’s? You don’t see Robin staffing the ER on Night Shift but in a coma on GH, or Patrick hotly diagnosing people on Night Shift but hotly working as an auto mechanic on GH. Because they are the same characters. Ugh.  I am majorly bugged by this.  Also, I am SO SURE that if a known hitman got put on probation, they would assign him to a hospital.  So stupid and contrived.  But whatever.  The "is he in prison or out" thing is way more bothersome.

2.  The Weirdness and Randomness of Billy Dee Williams' Character:  Somehow GH got Billy Dee to agree to appear on this thing.  The man played Lando Calrissian!  And he made malt liquor seem like something one might actually want to drink.  He exudes charm and charisma. So they make him a janitor? Why not make him a doctor, someone senior who’s on Robin and Patrick’s side and can take on the human equivalent of an HMO plan, Dr. Ford? Also, I don’t know whether this is just because Billy Dee has been called a sex symbol for so long that I can’t think of him in any other way, or if in fact his delivery is overtly sexual, but everything he says sounds dirty! Whether he’s talking about elevator buttons, labor strikes, or floor mopping. I can't decide whether it is hilarious or creepy.  Strike that, it's definitely hilarious, I just can't decide if it's also creepy.

Other stuff bugged me this week; these were just the spillover annoyances.  Anyway, with my biased cards out on the table, on with the recap.

Go Fug Yourself, Night Shift

Jessica at GFY explores one of the 57 things that bug me about that Night Shift ad that has been everywhere for the last two months:  Fug the Ad: Night Shift: General Hospital: Could I Have Any More Colons in This Headline?  I hadn't thought of the Jennifer Love Hewitt comparison, but it is spot-on.  And sad, of course.

Other irksome aspects:

1. Jason Thompson's scowl (though he's hotly scowling, so there's that)
2. Kimberly McCullough's blank/bitter model-y stare (you have your own show, sweetie, cheer up!)
3. that Steve Burton is on it
4. Steve Burton's hair
5. the size of Steve Burton's neck
6. that Kimberly McCullough is shirtless but Jason Thompson is not

Night Shift Episode 1: Frayed Anatomies

I will let Jason Thompson hotly do the honor of introducing the pilot episode of General Hospital: Night Shift.

Night Shift is, of course, a hospital-based spinoff of a show named after a hospital that does not ever mention the hospital. The same characters are on both shows, but their situations on each might be totally different. Hypothetically, a show-hogging character could be in prison on one show and in the midst of the action on another. Because, you know, that's how the GH folks roll. </