Serial Drama

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

We have been terrible at posting these, but they are still happening! Check out our monthly column in Soap Opera Digest, where this month we sounded off on our thoughts on GH as well as the returns of OLTL and AMC.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

I’ve become increasingly concerned for the citizens of Port Charles. And not just because of the dangers they face on a regular basis: constant mob wars, plans by supervillains that throw the entire town into chaos, the constant threat that you’ll catch Carly on a bad day and you’ll be collateral damage in her latest vendetta (or, worse, that she’ll start to confide in you about her problems). No, I’m more worried about what will happen to them once they are admitted to General Hospital, likely for injuries sustained in any of the aforementioned situations, because the medical care they are likely to receive there is questionable. Does anyone really feel comfortable right now putting their lives in Patrick’s hands?

It’s not that I object to Patrick being trapped by a crazy woman claiming to be pregnant with his child—well, actually, I do object to that because of all people on this show, Patrick should be most aware of having protected sex! Not that I think for a minute that Britt is actually pregnant with his child, but still!—because that is one of the most famous tropes in all of soapdom. And this particular crazy woman has an even crazier backstory: she’s the daughter of Faison and Dr. Obrecht, making Robin’s fake-death a huge part of the story. Plus, if I’m being perfectly honest…anything that complicates Patrick and Sabrina’s relationship is all right by me. I say that not as someone who refuses to see Patrick move on with anybody but Robin, because I think there is a boatload of potential for a really good Patrick romance (Jason Thompson is off the charts charming, after all); I say it as someone who is consistently amused at just how ridiculous Sabrina can be. She’s a grown woman, with a professional career who excelled in nursing school and she has the personality of a sixth grader; an immature sixth grader whose idea of romance is based purely on Disney movies and fairytales. She’s cloying and uninteresting and I have no idea why Patrick is interested in her at all, aside from the kudos she’s received from Emma.

The Pairing I Have Been Waiting For Is Finally Here!

Okay, I'm probably overstating the case considerably. But I have been waiting years for Blair and Natalie to hang out.

The fun trouble they could cause! But they really barely ever interacted on OLTLABC, I guess because they made Nat spend so many years pretending to be squeaky clean so she could meet John McBain's boring standards or... something. Anyway, I have absolutely no idea if this will lead to anything, but it was a start and I was nonetheless gleeful! 

Plus, once again we see that Natalie looks better than ever and someone on that show realizes they should feature that (finally).

I wasn't crazy about the fabric of her dress, but at least it was damn flattering and the appropriate parties noticed!

And Natalie is definitely noticing Cutter, too:

"What is it about bad boys?"

(To be fair, Rama's response was even better: "I don't know, I just work here.")

Speaking of people looking good in their outfits, Téa slid weeping down the last wall against which she got nailed by Victor, but she was wearing such a cute dress while doing it!

Those types of dresses have always been my favorite on her.

Of course then she got a terrible shock when she stumbled upon the HORRIBLY MANGLED STUFFED GIRAFFE!

Oh, Victor. What ARE you up to? (Strangling Todd in another scene, if anyone's actually asking.)

The Day That Got Way Better

Today started rough, y'all. As I'm sure many of you experienced, for some technical reason Hulu had not posted today's new One Life to Live by morning -- and it's become my getting-dressed routine! Add to that the fact that my television's HDMI ports have been on the fritz so I couldn't put anything on the TV and just had to get ready in silence like some CAVEPERSON! And then we won't even get into what happened at work today, but it might have had something to do with a pair of pants I had SPLITTING when I bent over to file something and might have resulted in my having to fashion a pashmina into some sort of skirt-esque thing for the subway ride home. It might have! BUT I'M NOT SAYING.

But I came home and I got industrious and I signed up for my free trial at Hulu Plus and I did some HDMI trouble-shooting and I hooked up my brand new darling Roku and I got to watch a new OLTL on actual television for the first time since January of 2012! So that calls for just a straight recap, doesn't it?

Here we go!

Poor Vimal. He's sad that Rama is going to work, where he's sure men constantly undress her with their eyes. Or not with their eyes.

And he can hardly blame them!

She reminds him what an open marriage is, which he doesn't much care to think about since he's clearly only doing this because he's a sad little fellow who will do anything instead of lose her.

And now we're at the Peach Pit After Dark. (Or "Shelter," or whatever.) There's a guest DJ and it's... Nervo? Something? I don't know. The more of these kinds of guests they have, the more confused I'm going to be, let's face it. There's some other guest star playing some sort of a drug dealer named Jamie (I understand there's a whole story behind this guy and James Franco and some movie and I can't really pretend any of it interests me). The point is that he needs his "moneys."

Cutter looks displeased with this whole thing. (Riff Raff, is that his name? Lord I feel a million years old right now.)

Bo and Nora are kickin' back with some red wine and it makes me want some. It makes them want each other.

Todd has a bit of the iced tea (I mean bourbon?) that Victor spiked with what I think was arsenic.

Credits!

Jack's shirt is never going to be okay, but Viki is just so lovely at the end each time. 

I am super-dumb. I thought Hulu Plus didn't have commercials. It does. Just not as many, I guess?

Some sort of drug pusher is trying to get Dani to take... ecstasy? Is that it? She's trying to resist but is clearly tempted.

Nora is telling Bo about her days as a college radio DJ.

Back at the Peach Pit After Dark, Jamie has some of his hangers-on make out with each other a little. Both his facial hair and his head hair are frightening me, and I mostly can't understand what he's saying. He wildly resembles Gary Oldman's character from True Romance.

Does Hulu have closed-captioning?

And That Life Keeps On Livin'

Y'all, I have in no way calmed down or adjusted to this little fantasy world we're now living in where we can wake up to new episodes of One Life to Live every day. 

And it's just getting better, really. The first episode really had to cram everyone in, have an event as a set-piece, and give at least basic teasers for all the major plotlines. Since then, they've settled in a bit and we're delving a little deeper without having to spread everyone too thin. Tuesday's episode had the odd hiccup of Victor's big "back from the dead" return being pretty much the most anticlimactic entrance of a zombie anyone's ever seen -- most people just looked a little surprised or unnerved that he was in town but, you know, not enough to actually ask him why or how. I mean come on! They even ask for I.D. on Amtrak now!

But today, they awesomely finally let someone think it was a big freakin' deal. To be fair, the long-time residents of Llanview probably see about three or four people come back from the dead in a slow year, so it's really more like getting a surprise phone call. Dani, however, has only been in town a few years so it's a little more shocking (though of course the last guy she thought was her dad before she thought Victor was her dad was also presumed dead and then turned up out of nowhere still alive, and then turned up one more time way shorter and promptly got very dead again).

Téa was so excited for Dani to see that Victor's alive that it didn't occur to her to, say, check with a doctor or even just tell her hospitalized, recently-overdosed daughter that she about to get a visit from The Walking Dead, but that's so very Téa of her, isn't it?

Look, sweetie, A GHOST!

Dani's immediate reaction was not calm joy, which must have been confusing to her mother.

But she got over it pretty quickly and accepted his mortality, or immortality as the case may be. No questions asked, naturally!

Speaking of Dani's dads, her third one got the scenes I'd been dying for.

Todd and his big sister, together again! Erika Slezak and Roger Howarth have always just been dynamite in scenes together, and I love how Viki grounds him and tries to keep him in line and he just can't help but soften.

Love it! And they even got into their little newspaper-publishing competitive sibling rivalry. I think my favorite new thing about the reboot so far might be how it's positioned journalism as a central theme, and that had long been missing as a foundation of this show. 

And Todd got to call Viki on her actual "bullshit!" And did I mention that yesterday Blair finally got to just tell it like it is and call Todd an "asshole" instead of the "YOU BASTARD" we've been hearing for decades? JOY. PURE JOY.

Todd filled Viki in on how he had a brief fling with a lady person back in Port Charles and pretended to be glad it's over since she was so high-maintenance (Carly is indeed that, my friend!), at which point Viki hilariously asked if he could say that about any woman after Blair. Yeah, Vikster, it was really Blair that was the high-maintenance one in that relationship! Love it. (Oh man, I'm really going to have to come up with variances on "love it," aren't I? IT'S JUST THAT I LOVE IT SO MUCH.)

'Tis The Season

Big week for soaps! There was that thing that happened on Monday, and today we have the Daytime Emmy nominations announcement.

Shall we take a look?

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES

The Bold and the Beautiful                                CBS
Bradley P. Bell, Executive Producer
Rhonda Friedman, Edward J. Scott, Supervising Producers
Ronald W. Weaver, Senior Producer
MarkPinciotti, Coordinating Producer
Cynthia J. Popp, Colleen Bell, Casey Kasprzyk, Producers

Days of Our Lives                                                 NBC
Ken Corday, Executive Producer
Lisa de Cazotte, Greg Meng, Co-Executive Producers
Janet Drucker, Tim Stevens, Coordinating Producers
Albert Alarr, Producer

General Hospital                                                   ABC
Frank Valentini, Executive Producer
Mary-Kelly Weir, Michelle Henry, Mercer Barrows, Producers

One Life To Live                                                   ABC
Frank Valentini, Executive Producer
Suzanne Flynn, Senior Producer
Jackie Van Belle, Coordinating Producer
John Tumino, Leah Weber, Producers

The Young and the Restless                             CBS
Maria Arena Bell, Jill Farren Phelps, Executive Producers
Jay Gibson, Consulting Producer
Sally McDonald, John Fisher, Tony Morina, Supervising Producers

 

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

SUSAN FLANNERY, as Stephanie Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                           CBS

PEGGY MCCAY, as Caroline Brady
Days of our Lives                                                         NBC

MICHELLE STAFFORD, as Phyllis Summers Newman
The Young and the Restless                                          CBS

HEATHER TOM, as Katie Logan Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful                                           CBS

 

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

PETER BERGMAN, as Jack Abbott
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

DOUG DAVIDSON, as Paul Williams
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

MICHAEL MUHNEY, as Adam Newman
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

JASON THOMPSON, as Patrick Drake
General Hospital                                                             ABC

Our Shows Are BACK And Our Excitement Level Is At (At Least) 11

Our afternoons have felt undeniably sadder ever since ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE aired their finales. There are still times that we'll look at the clock during the 1 and 2PM hours and sigh wistfully. "What sort of nefarious plots would David Hayward be hatching right now, with that smug smile of his?" We ask. “In what regal and well-intentioned manner would Dorian Lord screw up the lives of everyone she loves this week and, most importantly, which hat would she be wearing while doing it?” We wonder. Our lives were a little emptier without the Chandlers and the Hubbards and Ryan Lavery (just kidding--we wanted to inject a little levity here before the schmaltz police arrested us.) The days seemed a little longer and lonelier without the Buchanans and the Hubbards and Robert Ford (okay, kidding again on that last one).

But--and it's actually impossible for us to overstate our excitement about this. It's like our birthdays and a year's worth of holidays, plus our teams winning the Super Bowl and World Series all at once. And even that comparison is a little subdued compared to how we're actually feeling--we are finally going to be reunited with our friends in Llanview and Pine Valley, because All My Children and One Life to Live are officially returning to our lives on April 29th. Can we all join hands and squeal excitedly right now? Just think about some of the characters we'll get to see again!

Pine Valley was never quite the same after Adam Chandler left town, so when it was announced that David Canary would be returning to the role (roles? Dare we hope that we’ll see Stuart, too? Preferably a lot. We could all use some of his sweetness) that made him a daytime icon, we couldn’t contain our glee. He’s the PERFECT character to bring to the new AMC, because he has a special relationship (and usually a feud) with almost every character on All My Children . The Chandler family and their assorted loved ones all had, shall we say…complicated feelings towards him (“complicated” is an understatement, but “his entire family spends most of their time hating him and simultaneously striving for his approval” takes too long to type). He’s been married at some point to basically every woman in town, so romantic tension follows him wherever he goes. He’s made business enemies thanks to his cutthroat tactics and he’s made enemies of neighbors just for…well, just for existing. Is he still with Brooke (we hope so)? What's his relationship with JR like (probably frought with tension, considering that is their default state and there's, you know, the whole matter of JR shooting a gun during a crowded party. A parent would frown on that, we think)? Does David Hayward still have dramatic and strangely loud monologues about his evil plans and schemes for those who have wronged him? How many times has he been arrested since we last saw him? It's got to be at least a dozen. We're sure that Zach has spent his time offscreen doing all sorts of soapy and dramatic things that, yeah, sure, we can't wait to hear about--as soon as he tells us where Kendall is. Do Angie and Jesse still set the gold standard for most wonderful television couple? We have a feeling we know the answer to that question, but we can't wait to see it onscreen.

Todd Manning will be back among his fellow Llanview-ites and the anticipation level cannot be exaggerated. It’s not that we didn’t have any fun watching him over on General Hospital, but he is most fascinating opposite those with which he has decades of history. Sure, it’s fun to watch him snark on every stranger he sees in some other town, but after a while it started to feel like he wasn’t much more than just another law-evading criminal and jerk with an unusually good sense of humor. How much is everyone looking forward to Todd getting a classic berating-but-loving talking-to from his big sister Viki? Almost as psyched as we are to see Todd get in some time with his adorable little nephew and Spiderman-bonding buddy Sam. (Oh yeah, and there’s that small issue of Blair, the love of his life. Some of us are KIND OF INTO THAT.)

 

And look out, men of Llanview, because local trouble-making hot redhead Natalie Banks appears to be single again. Has motherhood tamed her? We’ve all seen those previews: doesn’t look like it, and for that we are supremely grateful. The ads are teasing a possible connection with Cutter, a union that definitely has potential. For those of us who loved her with Jared, it’s always great to see her with a bad boy (with a heart of gold!) who can fully appreciate both her good and her more mischievous side. We can’t wait to see if Clint and Viki tied the knot and how Bo and Nora are doing as grandparents and how one Téa Francesca Delgado is coping with her myriad of losses. Have Rama and Vimal managed to stick together, and what the heck happened to Dorian’s congressional career? (We bet her outfits were just too awesome for the Senate floor.) And what of David Vickers? Has he been able to match the cinematic success of Vickerman, The David Vickers Story or is he having a string of failures like The Boy with the Chipmunk Tattoo? We’re coming to all of these people with a huge new appreciation: we get spoiled by seeing our soaps every day for decades on end and we kick and scream when our characters aren’t doing exactly what we want them to be doing. But now we’ve learned what life is like without them and we’re ready to welcome them back with open arms, even when they’re picking the wrong mate or taking the worst side in a battle or acting wildly out of character. (And we’ll totally keep that attitude for at least a week. Probably.)

AMC and OLTL will be airing half-hour long episodes every weekday and thanks to Hulu, you can watch on your computer screen (and then immediately run over to Serial Drama to leave exclamation filled comments to convey your excitement. We're still not overstating our happiness) two ways: Hulu.com and Hulu Plus. Hulu.com is completely free and allows you to watch the latest episode right from your computer screen. Hulu Plus is a subscription service: for $7.99 a month, you get to watch ALL episodes through mobile devices and have access to the Hulu library (want to try it for a week? Click here!)

 

To continue the theme of Things That Are Exciting and Awesome, we also want to announce a sweepstakes! One lucky Serial Drama winner will win a yearlong subscription to Hulu Plus and a chance to win the Grand Prize, a Roku. All you have to do is show your soap love: tell us which Pine Valley or Llanview character you're most excited to see!

**Sweepstakes Rules:
No duplicate comments.
You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:
a. Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post
b:Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: "#SweepstakesEntry"; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post
c: Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post
d: For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older.
Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail.
You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.
The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 4/29/2013-5/26/2013

Be sure to visit the sponsor's brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers reviews and find more chances to win!

The Second Life to Live

Okay, this is just surreal. It might be the ridiculous amounts of coffee, but my hands are a little shaky as I sit down to type this out and I actually clicked on the "One Life to Live" category for this post and it wasn't about anticipation and it wasn't about OLTL characters on another show, but about today's new episode.

Today's new episode!

There's so much to say and it's nearly impossible not just to offer up a blow-by-blow account with lots of squealing and every single frame screencapped, but that would be silly so let's just dive into a few major points. Like this one: speaking of blow-by-blow, here's my favorite "no more network censors!" moment....

Love it. Love it!

And another thing I'm super-psyched about right off the bat? Somebody's finally realized that Melissa Archer is insanely hot and dressing her like it. Those of you who were with me here for the last couple years of the ABC version of the show might recall how annoyed I'd get when they mysteriously made her frumpy so often when the woman is just lightning hot. Someone realized!

And oh yeah, I'm pretty much already a hardcore Natalie/Cutter 'shipper. That was fast!

Lord they were hot.

Top Reasons NOT to Watch the New AMC and OLTL

Y'all, it's literally less than one day away.

Oh wait, I shouldn't watch. Here's a poll that I developed after combing the internet and finding the most popular reasons that people are not going to watch the revived All My Children and One Life to Live and I think you'll all agree that this is how we should live and think and we should totally not watch. Vote now on why you absolutely will not watch! Check your pick!

_ I refuse to pay to watch soaps, even though you absolutely can watch them for free.

_ I watched a 118-second promo video and I can already tell that THEY HATE THE FANS AND DON'T CARE ABOUT THE VETS!

_ I base all my viewing decisions on routine entertainment litigation and obviously Prospect Park is a super-evil production company and the first to ever sue a television network and therefore it is my moral obligation to refuse to watch a show that, actually, earns ABC money if I watch it.

_ Prospect Park told us we'd keep AMC and OLTL online and it would happen in January of 2012 and it didn't happen because they couldn't put the money together and that is just wrong and they are mean and cannot be trusted so I will not watch the shows that they literally brought back from the dead later than they had hoped.

_ Serial drama is just dead, forget it. The proof is in the pudding, which is something like 400 serial dramas currently on TV.

_ There are only four episodes a week. SACRILEGE. I'd rather have no soaps than a 20% reduction in story content!

_ I am sub-human and I do not like David Canary or Erika Slezak because, really, who would?

_ I do not have the internet, despite the fact that I am currently on the internet reading this dumb poll.

_ My favorite couple is not together, so obviously everyone hates me AND WANTS TO RUIN THE GENRE.

_ I do not like joy.

I may have had a little freakout the other day on Serial Drama's Facebook page about this. I'm going to get up SO EARLY tomorrow. To watch. For free. Because that's how it works. THAT IS HOW IT WORKS.

The Rules of the Mental, Soap-Style

Well, there are upsides and downsides.

When it comes to soap amnesia, those who are perfectly aware of the amnesiac situation must never give advance notice to any loved ones or acquaintances in advance of the first meeting. No warning to the extended family, no heads-up to friends. Shit, y'all. The Spencer/Falconeri gang seemed to have even made an appointment with Patrick for Lulu without having even mentioned that the most acute need for this particular exam was that she's FORGOTTEN HER WHOLE LIFE. Why would her doctor need to know? He'll find out when she shrieks that she doesn't know him!

Oh and another thing that happens with soap amnesia: they only forget their personal lives. They remember their command of the English language, they remember what year it is and who the President is. Nobody ever asks them if they remember learning to read and write, or if they remember whether or not they voted for this particular president, or how they even know that they can legally walk into a bar and order a drink. And they never want doctors to help them actually get their memory back, they just want to be LEFT ALONE! (Does Lulu even have a wallet? Somehow I feel like Stavros didn't hang on to it as a favor to her while he'd put her on ice.)

And poor Dante has lost his "Most Perfect Husband Ever" title because he is acting just as every soap mate behaves when their significant other turns up all amnesiac. That is to say, he is all up her grill constantly and isn't the least bit interested in what her doctor has to say or suggest.

He's exhibiting zero patience and, rather than focusing entirely on the fact that she is MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE and trying to make sure she has the space and comfort necessary so that she can stop feeling so terrified and start getting her footing again, he's preoccupied entirely with making sure she remembers him THIS VERY SECOND. (This reminds me an awful lot of Teen Jessica's amnesia over on OLTL, in which usually-perfect Brody spent every waking second trying to get her to fall in love with him rather than just trying to be grateful that her stepfather Charlie didn't actually kill her when he accidentally shot her and maybe not trying to force a boyfriend on a crazy girl who just got almost-raped by her then-bio-dad and maybe give her a little time and support and.... oh lord, do I go on. Y'all, One Life to Live is currently premiering a brand new episode downtown RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND so I'm a little distracted and possibly unwell. Emotionally. So you can see why this is the perfect blog theme!)

The Most Relatable Moment In The World

Let's face it, we've all been there. We're just liars if we say we haven't.

I mean who hasn't found out that a convicted gang rapist was spying on us through a camera hidden in our toddler daughter's toy and then just finally found ourselves completely and utterly unable to resist his advances?

No one, that's who. It's happened to all of us. Three times this week for me so far.

But alas, because Carly is so emotionally mature, she cut it off before it went too far. She regrets nothing, but is wise enough to understand that she and Todd are both just terrified of love, despite the fact that the two of them combined have been madly in forever-love with a combined total of at least five people in the last two years.

Again, this is emotional wisdom and has nothing to do with a bunch of intellectual property issues still being sorted out behind the scenes, nor does it have to do with Roger Howarth being on contract for the first six weeks of the re-launch of that show that created this here Todd Manning character. (Where perhaps big sis Viki will make him start being less douchey or... something?)

We're all worried, right? Oh, stop. There's no way these two won't come back together! How could they not, when they are the greatest love to ever love and the most unique relationship in history and the most passion either has ever known?