Well, it's been a couple months. I figure I should do a drop-by! After all, isn't today the 4th anniversary of the day we said goodbye to (at least the network version of) One Life to Live? I should give a soap a little love today.
As usual, I preface this by saying I almost never watch the show. I did watch Robin and Patrick's wedding and departure, and I did watch one or two of the big "reveal" episodes regarding the show's sainted epicenter, but that's about it. I'm trying to remember if I even like any of the remaining characters. Anna? Ummm... I'm at a loss. There are folks I used to enjoy, but it's been a while since I was given a reason to root for them. Let's check in and see if anyone's worth throwing my enthusiasm behind.
Maxie's boyfriend shows up. I guess it's been a while. I don't remember his name. Nathan? Nate? Let's go with that for now. She flashes back to seeing Johnny, who is... on the lam? I guess? (Meanwhile, Matt's still rotting alone in prison for saving a boat full of people from a serial killer, but whatevs. Sonny loves his children. That matters more.)
A masked man accosts Lulu in the park but she's just too "feisty" or something, so he gives up and takes off his mask. Johnny it is!
Speaking of characters I used to really like who have fallen to some serious depths, here's Dante! He's working out at the boxing gym and Michael is delivering dialogue that should've been re-adjusted in post.
Sabrina gets a phone call from Carlos. Sabrina appears to be highly pregnant, and none-too-discreet about the probability that Carlos is the sperm-implanting culprit.
Olivia tells Valerie, whose bangs are so long that they flick about every time she blinks because her eyelashes are bumping into them, to move back to Pennsylvania.
Michael and Dante have manly-talk in which Dante says he and Lulu do not have a chance at reconciliation.
Maxie is talking about a show called, maybe, Southwest General? Is that a thing? Is that the soap within the soap here? Maxie's roots are stressing me out.
The first issue of Crimson (under the new leadership anyway) is out, and Maxie is annoyed that Nina bought all the copies so she could hand them out for free.
I can't figure out what's going on at the PCPD. Anna, Jordan, and some silver fox are talking about the murder of Carlos and the shooting of Sonny. Jordan says those cases are closed. Meanwhile Carlos and Sabrina are flirting on the phone (he's super-sexy and charismatic, but it does not work here), and Sabrina thinks Anna knows something's up.
"It's only a matter of time before Valerie Spencer gets exactly what she deserves," Johnny says, whatever that means. I have no idea if this is about something else or he's just spending his fugitive time playing some silly revenge game because Valerie slept with his ex-girlfriend's husband, and if that's all it is, that's pretty weak.
Olivia tells Valerie she wrecked a marriage, which is weird because I thought Dante was the married one. Valerie suggests that Olivia is lacking in the "personal growth" arena, and that at least she owns her mistakes and learns from them or something. I mean it hasn't been long enough to state that so definitively, Val. You're on a soap. You're on a soap that finally killed off the hitman anchor that the whole show revolved around (dragging it down completely) only to bring him back and revolve the whole damn show around him again a few years later, ruining half the characters' growth in the process. Also, LITERALLY NOBODY DIES.
Speaking of which, Carlos sounds like he's calling Sabrina "Carlita." Is there something I'm missing? Anyway, he inexplicably wants to run away with her, but she doesn't like all this complicated thinking!
Oh, so the silver fox is the DA and the DA is Paul.
How the hell did he become the DA? I mean I've heard that he's the latest mustache-twirler (which, obviously, why would they give Tracy a legitimate love interest ever?), but I didn't realize he was DA. Anna suspects him and tells Jordan about it, while Paul goes off to have a tête-à-tête with Carlos on the docks, since nobody would suspect foul play happening on the docks. Sabrina shows up and overhears the two of them. After Paul leaves, Carlos sees Sabrina and gives her a big teddy bear chemistry-free hug.