The Fosters is back! The Fosters is back!
Okay, I don't actually know if I'm excited about this, because at the mid-season break I was so grossed out that I was pretty damn ready to give this show up for good. I guess I should be grateful that Brandon didn't have sex with his little sister after the adoption went through moving them from foster siblings to actual complete and total forever siblings? But I didn't feel very grateful, since these events were only separated by one episode and I'm still working on scrubbing my brain of the image. And I don't hold out hope that the adoption means they'll permanently drop "Brallie" (vom) and just go on telling the other lovely stories that they tell. But I do hold out hope that there will be other stories that are good enough to watch that I can... overlook the grossness? We'll see. But I'm not ready to say goodbye to Stef and Lena. Or Mariana. Or, for the love of all that is holy, Jude. I am not willing to let go of Jude. Yet.
So here I am.
The "previouslies" are already hurting my brain. So much stuff I don't remember the details of (particularly the hit-and-run). Anyway, we're starting with the performance of Brandon's composition at Disney Hall. They pan across the family (including New Jesus!) and... oh for fuck's sake, they get to Callie and she has brother/sister sex flashbacks. THEY DIDN'T WASTE A SECOND TO TORTURE US.
Opening credits. I'm weak, you guys! The opening always suckers me right back in, even when I'm disgusted. No fair!
Naturally, based on that Disney Hall performance, Brandon has been invited to final callbacks for Juilliard. Of course he has. But because Brandon has just the worst life ever, Juilliard still charges tuition! Poor Brandon! All the worst things happen to him!
AJ and his brother are huggy and sad because their grandmother died.
Mike's helping to load up the car with her stuff and a picture of the boys breaks. He looks at it significantly, and calls work to tell them not to bother running the prints on that pen he got from AJ's brother (I'll remember his name at some point, I'm sure).
Brandon overhears his moms worrying about money, so he walks away with his standard Brandon hangdog look. But Annie Potts is there! (aka Sharon, Stef's mom) Sharon is very displeased about what the insurance will or will not cover in terms of Stef's health situation. Monte shows up to apologize to both Stef and Lena. Lord, this is awkward. She offers to resign from Anchor Beach. That's a bit extreme, Monte!
Emma is over at the house trying to help Mariana put together her campaign for junior class president. I'd vote for Mariana! Jesus is a dick about it, so I guess the actor replacement hasn't really changed the nature of the character. So far. But holy crap this guy is tall! Lexi shows up from being deported. Somehow her family magically all got visas. Seems likely. Brandon walks in and see Emma and Lexi and actually says something funny for once!
Brandon: It's like an ex-girlfriend convention in here. Want me to call Hayley, maybe she can come over?
Sound the trumpets, Brandon made a funny!
Some extremely tightly-wound bespectacled boy is yelling at Callie about privatized foster homes after she gives a speech about her website. A foster care advocate (played by a very familiar actress... I'll figure it out) wants to invest $50,000 in Callie (or more likely her website).
Lena tells Monte she should stay on at the school but needs to get her act together and look up the word "boundaries." Not in those exact words, but let's face it, that was the gist.
Connor is packing up to move away forever and ever and Jude's perfect little heart is breaking. "My dad will never change," Connor tells him. I don't know, his dad spent last Father's Day with a yard full of queermos and he lived through it, I feel like there's some wiggle room.
Well, darn it all, the lab ran that fingerprint test after all and they do match Ty's (AJ's brother). Mike explains the whole thing to Stef, who is livid.
I think Mike should probably point out that if Brandon had basically murdered a town full of children Stef would try to cover it up.
Lexi and Jesus flirt with each other. In the bathroom.
I know nothing gets me hotter than a bathroom shared by 23 adolescents. It probably smells amazing. Then Lexi pushes Mariana to go as sexy as possible with her presidential campaign (ugh, take note, Bernie Sanders, time to sex it up a bit!) but naturally Emma overreacts about how girls can be fun-and-smart-sexy and not just in-your-face-sexy and decides she shouldn't be running this campaign and needs to go home. That was fast! Regardless, Mariana levels with Lexi that she doesn't want her help with the campaign. "No hard feelings," they allege. Seems likely.
The foster care advocate talks to Callie and Stef and Lena, and Callie tries to talk to her about Jack (the aforementioned bespectacled kid). The lady promises to "make some calls." I'm sure nothing bad will happen. The second she's out of earshot, she makes a bitchy phone call trying to find out where that kid has been placed. From here on out I will be referring to this character as Miss Hannigan. You know who she lives to exploit? ORPHANS, that's who! (This is just a wild guess.)