Serial Drama

Heavily Accented Camp Is My Favorite Kind of Camp

For reasons I'm not entirely sure of but which almost certainly have to do with something terrible I did in a past life, most of today's General Hospital recorded all blurrily (of course, right? The Nurse's Ball records like a scrambled pay channel but garden variety awfulness appears pristinely) and I haven't yet caught up on the musical numbers and other shenanigans that I only heard, not saw (I did catch the entirety of Frisco's goodbye to Maxie, but I haven't properly wrapped my head around it yet, and so can't comment on it, although my fingers keep typing the words catastrophically douchey).

But all was NOT lost because the most delicious part of the show was broadcast crystal clear: Britt taking the stage to make a grand announcement just after Patrick breaks about a million different hearts thanking the crowd for being there. It was so old school soapy and ridiculous.

Patrick (whose voice kept getting choked up and then I kept getting choked up when the camera panned to Anna and Duke's reactions to all of this. Sniffle, whimper, etc.): My little popstar daughter here [She is seriously just TOO CUTE! --Ed.] and I are forever grateful for the love that you have shown Robin and for the love you continue to show for a cause Robin believed in with all her heart. She had a wonderful life. She was dedicated to healing and to finding a cure, and although she was taken from us before that day was reached, her legacy will live on in organizations like amfAR and the community of Port Charles and the staff at General Hospital. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Each and every one of you have mad a significant contribution to helping Robin's dream become a reality. Thanks.

Patrick: What are you doing here?
Britt: I was just so moved by that lovely tribute, I thought I'd add a few words of my own.

This is amazing because:

1. Kelly Thiebaud snarls all of her words when she's just making pleasant smalltalk, so her villainous lines become extremely predatory.

Patrick: No one cares what you have to say.
Britt: I think everyone will be very interested. Especially you, Patrick.

2. Her mother, the vicious Dr. Obrecht, was watching this all unfold from her room and recapping it for a picture of CESAR FREAKING FAISON (We all totally called this paternity scandal, but somehow the picture reveal is so weird that it makes me forgive predictability).

Dr. Obrecht: I wish you could be here for our daughter's moment in the spotlight. Britta would make you a very proud papa.

She also complimented her daughter by saying she looked "Stunning. Heads will turn...and then roll", which is hilarious in its own right but when coupled with her crazy accent, it becomes art.

3. EMMA'S TERROR.

She literally hid behind her father and clung to his leg for protection. Cutest fright ever!

So what do we think: is she going to announce publicly, dramatically and evilly that she is pregnant? Will Sabrina faint? Will Patrick faint? Will Dr. Obrecht start recapping all episodes as they unfold I hope the answer to all of these questions is yes.

The Bold & the Beautiful: End-of-the-Week In Review

I'm so sorry that I've been slacking on B&B coverage -- you may have noticed that things are a little exciting over in GH-land, what with the 50th anniversary and the Nurses Ball and the crazy 50-hour marathon two weekends in a row. So much to cover!

But no matter! I'm all caught up on B&B and maybe I'm just feeling soap-generous at the moment but this show is a blast right now.

First of all, they rewrote and re-invented Caroline's character completely. Would it have been better for a slow build to make the change a little more understandable and a little less overnight? Yes. But the character needed a makeover ASAP and I, for one, love the recharge she's gotten. Caroline was the blandest, nicest, most-go-nowhere character the show had (though not the only one, that's for sure) and in order to keep the character and let her drive story, they had to actually give her a personality. And boy did they! She is a snobby, scheming bitch-from-hell now. The show desperately needed a nasty low-down schemer since Amber left and Steffy's going maternal. Now they've got one, but with the extra-fun spin of the elitist uppity-ness on top of it all. She. Cracks. Me. Up. And another thing: Linsey Godfrey is on fire. This? She can do. Beautifully. She is seriously nailing it and I'm loving it. One of my favorite moments was in Thursday's episode when she took a photo of her freakin' salad and posted it online and then bragged about how many "likes" she got. For her salad. I literally laughed out loud and I don't remember when I last did that for this show. (Or rather, when this show meant for me to laugh out loud and I did so.) Plus, I was grateful that her nastiness is finally sending Dayzee over the edge, as she had some fantastic reaction shots in that scene.

And her first official scheme? IS A MASTERPIECE OF HILARITY. She's paying an adult filmmaker to somehow trick Maya into starring in porn!

Because apparently Maya is so dumb that she won't realize what's happening when she's having actual sex on screen and some dude is jerking off onto her actual boobs that, hey, this is not the next Schindler's List! (Girlfriend spent years in prison and before that lived on the street. I certainly hope they'll toughen her up and not actually have her be too shy or something to fight back on this. Because that would be absurd. But in the meantime, hysterical.)

Oh and Caroline even did her best porn star imitation while talking to the director.

Like I said, cracking me up. Her best work on this show by a country mile.

Meanwhile, Rick is literally going on dates with Maya in front of his girlfriend and it's totally okay and not weird because this is B&B and Liam made out with two women for two years but apparently never betrayed either of them and is the greatest catch alive.

Rick explains away his girlfriend's beastliness by repeatedly explaining that she's from New York. Yes, New Yorkers are well-known for being terrified of a little dirt and being insanely snooty and never remembering anyone's name. (Thankfully Maya defended our people, dammit!)

Cloud Nine, Seventh Heaven, All I'll Ever Need, Etc.

Sweet soap opera lordie, y'all. I am giddy like a dumb little kid after Episode 1 of the resurrected Nurses Ball today!

And you know what? It's virtually impossible for me to be clever or thoughtful right now, so let's break it down in the most primitive way possible. I'm going off Serial Drama script here and doing something I only did once before (on a very special occasion) and just copying-and-pasting the online chat I had while watching this with my very best friend today (who sadly lives way too many hundreds of miles away). We've both watched the ABC shows since we were little, so uh... we kind of dork out about it. Judge all you want because you know a lot of you were doing the same thing!

Are you going to see what terrible hypocrites we are since we do a lot of complaining about characters acting like little kids while we both squeal and squeak and fawn and act like we're 11? YES, yes you are. Hypocrisy is the bedrock of American society. Or something.

Let's do this! 

me: I'm ready

go!

 Jessica:  yay Lucy

 me:  NB host Lucy is the best Lucy ever

 Jessica:  YUP. And look at them!!!

 me:  Awww

WSB agent and soulful singer Frisco Jones!

 Jessica:  Oh dear.

 me:  Oh, Mac.

 Jessica:  Yeah, that's way to creepy.

Seriously? The press knows lab techs?

 me:  Christ, Ellie's pretty.

The press knows EVERYONE for the NB!

 Jessica:  She's ridiculous.

 me:  DUKE IS IN A KILT OMG

 Jessica:  DUKE! In a kilt

 me:  Talking about Robin. Sniffles.

 Jessica:  I wish your daughter was there in person, Anna!

 me:  Oh my god Duke and Robin's daughter holding hands I'M CRYING NOW

 Jessica:  Emma is ridiculous.

OH GOD THAT DRESS

 me:  Oh gross, Patrick and Sabrina.

"reputed coffee importer" ha!

 Jessica:  Hehe!

 me:  Wow, Carly and Sonny look amazing.

 Jessica:  They really really really do.
Brenda looks like lady gaga

 me:  Oh no. Brenda looks horrifying.

Sonny wants a piece of that, though.

 

Jessica: Seriously, I think Lady Gaga wore that dress.

 me:  AWFUL.

 Jessica:  I so want LW's hair.

 me:  The dress is trying to eat her shoulder!

In the Immortal Words of William Munny and Snoop Pearson

(Oh I don't know. Maybe my self-challenge for the day was to relate two wildly disparate characters from two insanely distinct pieces of scripted entertainment and pull the biggest stretch in the world to somehow tie it to General Hospital. Maybe I'm going insane from frostbite after spending four hours outside at a baseball game tonight. Maybe I'm having some bizarre long-overdue soap opera overdose symptoms and have finally lost it. Does it really matter? I don't know yet.)

But really.

Deserve's got nothing to do with it, y'all.

So shall we begin with Carly and Jax and Brenda and Sonny? This is a tough one for me. I understand one thousand percent why the various entanglements of these four characters are being revisited to mark GH's 50th Anniversary. The Sonny/Brenda/Jax triangle was a 90s centerpiece for the show and one of the most heralded on daytime, while Sonny and Carly were a tumultuous tentpole pairing through later years, while the last few are marked by Carly and Jax's union. Practically twenty years of dominant couples right there, and if you have all of them in the same place at the same time, why not revisit?

For me, I think it's just a matter of Vanessa Marcil's various departures and returns to the show, but it's starting to get almost comical that every single time we get a Brenda visit, she alternates back to the last dude. When she returned from the dead in 2002, she reunited with Jax. When she returned again in 2009, she reunited with Sonny. And here were are in 2013 and she's engaged to Jax. Again. Because Sonny didn't give her what she wanted. Again. And Carly's head is exploding about it. Again. Is it wrong that Carly's head exploding about it again is always going to be my favorite part of this recurring tale?

Last time she busted her scheming butt to try to drive Sonny and Brenda apart, while this time her focus is on Jax. And that's fine by me, since I find Carly's interest in Jax far more fun than her interest in Sonny (in Laura Wright's incarnation anyway).

And of course in terms of whether or not I'm an "S&B" gal or a "J&B" gal, well, my affinity is firm and serious and hardcore (and uh, might be in a minority on this very site, ahem!). But at this point it's sort of irrelevant unless we get word that all of these characters are really sticking around long-term. I suppose it's better to let the off-screen characters be together and obviously leave the on-screen characters available for new romances (or old ones, depending).

Celebrating GH: Our Favorite Couples

Our celebration of General Hospital's big 50th anniversary continues, and this look back is accompanied by a soundtrack of some classic slow jams. That's right: it's time to talk romance and it's really an embarrassment of riches. So many wonderful couples! Way too many to name, so we apologize in advance for any omissions--please post your favorites in the comments and join as as we swoon, sigh and get all giddy as we reminisce about our Favorite General Hospital Couples.

LUKE AND LAURA

Duh.

BRENDA AND JAX...AND BRENDA AND SONNY

We could argue about this until we are blue in the face (and we really do mean "we": Louise and Mallory could easily debate this pressing issue for hours, loudly and passionately and with various YouTube clips as evidence. "AS YOU CAN SEE HERE at moment 4:02, Brenda's eyes literally light up when Jax enters the room!"), but nobody can deny that both of these pairings (and the triangle in general) are iconic. Vanessa Marcil, chemistry magnet that she is, sparkled with both Maurice Benard and Ingo Rademacher. You could almost (almost!) admit that you could even see why the other Brenda-loving fanbase was so popular (even though they were totally wrong, obviously).

Happy Anniversary, General Hospital! Thank You For Being Generally Awesome

I cannot begin to express my delight at General Hospital turning 50 and celebrating the big anniversary with an episode so wonderful and sentimental and yet filled with just the right amount of hilarity that I spent almost the entire hour in tears of the devastated sort, the weepily nostalgic sort and the giddy with laughter sort. I spent an excessive amount of time attempting to coin a megaword combining basically every excitable adjective in the English language for this exact purpose, but I came up empty. Just know that I am very, very delighted.

Not just at the quality of the anniversary episode (although it was top-notch and if you haven't watched it yet, please do so IMMEDIATELY, like what are you waiting for? I also suggest watching it with tissues on standby in case you, like a hypothetical soap blogger who shall remain nameless because she--or he!--is purely hypothetical, tear up easily at things that are both happy and sad. And maybe have some candy close to you as well in case you need to talk to some food about your feelings. And you will have feelings. Many feelings!) but at this anniversary in general. 50 years! That's all kinds of impressive. Over the two decades that I've been watching (Holy goodness, that makes me feel positively ancient), General Hospital has been part of many happy memories of mine, starting when I began to watch because of my soap-loving Aunt Lisa, who is basically the world's coolest person (you guys, she had the best Caboodle FILLED with makeup. Coolest ever!). I watched on the phone with my best friend throughout middle school and by that I mean that we spent the hour in complete silence unless a commercial break came on and then all you'd hear was high-pitched "Oh my god can you believe THAT just happened?". I bonded with girls in college and girls at work and started this blog with Becca because we figured that our emails about our all-consuming hatred of Sonny Corinthos were too hilarious to be confined to a thread on gmail and then we met all of YOU wonderful readers and the ever amazing Stephanie Sloane at Soap Opera Digest who offered us a column (which STILL freaks me out) and then the most excellent Louise and I could go on and on, but the point I tried to make about a hundred words ago is that I am happy that this show exists and I hope it is around for many more years, especially if it means that every five or ten years, we get a celebratory episode like this one. Let's all buy stock in Kleenex now!

You've all been reading this blog long enough to know that I really do get teary-eyed very easily and it's true; I was going to make a list of things in today's show that made me cry but it was almost all of them. And even the thing that didn't make me cry from joy or nostalgia made me cry tears of annoyance. So actually all of it made me teary, from start to finish!

Even just looking at this picture of Steve Hardy got me all mushy and that was in the show's opening seconds, so you can imagine the mess I was by the time the hour was over.

I cried during Liz and Audrey's talk and Audrey's ADORABLE flashback to her and Steve dancing.

And I flat out wept when Audrey kissed the picture of Steve.

Audrey: You're my rock of Gibraltar.

Celebrating GH: Our Favorite Characters

On April 1st, General Hospital will be celebrating its 50th Anniversary and we couldn't be more excited. For the returns of much-loved characters. For the copious amounts of flashbacks we hope/politely but firmly request the show air. For the Nurse's Ball. For the show being lightyears better than it was the last time it celebrated a milestone anniversary. We're all jazz hands and celebratory bottles of champagne at Serial Drama Headquarters!

(Okay, we don't actually have official headquarters, but if we did they would be fabulously decorated and also filled with celebratory bottles of champagne)

In honor of the big day, we're going to be taking a few trips down memory lane and indulging in some prime reminiscing and we'd love to hear from you, our wonderful readers! Let's start with our Favorite General Hospital Characters.

But! Before we officially start the reminiscing, a DISCLAIMER: these are only our opinions. We are sure many of you (possibly even most of you!) will disagree with our choices and will roll your eyes at our taste. That is fine! We welcome your commentary and additions. And this list is by no means exhaustive, either--we've probably excluded about a dozen of our own favorites, and forgotten about a dozen more.

LUCY COE: Bless her heart (and welcome back!). It's been a blast to watch this character's decades-long arc from mousy librarian to scheming femme fatale to wacky ne'er-do-well to Nurses Ball Emcee Extraordinaire to the big-hearted, nutty, self-absorbed but huge-hearted woman we have on our screens today.

And for every misdeed and every ridiculous bright red wedding dress in Lucy's soapy journey, she got a chance to show us her depth of feeling when learning of BJ's death or acting as a surrogate for Scotty and Dominique. 

ANNA DEVANE: Let's face it, this is a genre whose viewer demographic is overwhelmingly female. When you're working in that world, while lots of washboard abs and sexy bad boys are key, you can't go without a serious bad-ass chick or two. We present to you one Ms. Anna DeVane -- superspy, double agent, brave and honorable, and with hair that any 80s girl would covet.

Sure, her romances and her relationship with her daughter gave us great stories over the years, but she never needed to be anybody's mother or anybody's wife to drive story. She had lives to save, regimes to bring down, and national monuments to save from nuclear attack by the evil DVX. (And yes, has also served her time as a damsel in distress, but one who is quite capable of handling herself.) We can have our fun battles till we're blue in the face about who is truly the love of Anna's life, but one thing is for certain: she doesn't need any man. She kicks ass all on her own. (Yes, even in her weird two-year stint on All My Children.)

JAGGER CATES: Never before in the history of soaps has there been a character so multi-layered and fascinating as the young Jagger Cates when he... oh forget it. But seriously, you guys. What does it matter? Have you seen him?

What more must anyone say?

Why, Caroline, Why?

Caroline Spencer, why must you ruin the lovely clip-clop-clip-clop of Central Park horse carriages for me for the rest of my life?

Because seriously, this happened yesterday.

Caroline: So, then you should grab a bottle of champagne and take a carriage ride through Central Park. That's what I used to do on nights like this.

Rick: This is not New York, Caroline.

Caroline: No. But I'm New York. And you can ride in my carriage all night.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My ears, my ears!

I don't know why I should be surprised, as this is the same show that came up with, "I'm a 1200cc twin-pipe crotch-rocket ready to burn rubber on that heart o' yours. How can you say no to that?"

The Day's Most Old School Soapy Dialogue

As much as I rolled my eyes over the continuing saga (with the amount of time this so-called story has gotten, you'd think it was actually an epic storyline of its own!) of Milo being straight that has seen Felix pout for the past few days and Sabrina stare into space all doe-eyed and awkward--and I rolled my eyes at that A LOT!--and as much as I groaned over Scott whining again some more incessantly about Luke and Laura--and I groaned over that A LOT like, ohmigod, there is so much more to Scott Baldwin than JUST being the guy who lost Laura to Luke and when he made a remark the other day that he blamed BOBBIE for bringing Luke to town in the first place, I guffawed a horrified guffaw. A horrifaw. Although the petty, grudge-holding part of me kind of respects his commitment to not letting things go--I ended today's episode of General Hospital squealing and saying "Holy 1994!" because, really, this moment?

Laura: WAIT! I'm coming with you.

I could not have loved it anymore. I'm STILL squealing.

 

Unsurprising Surprises and Surprises of Fun

Today's episode promptly revealed that Shawn didn't really shoot Nikolas which, I mean, duh. We pretty much all knew that, despite yesterday's attempted fake-out.

But here's where it got awesome.

Shawn: C'mon, Dante, you know me. I didn't shoot anyone, I'm just trying to help!

What? Yeah, I'm sure Dante would never side-eye this dude considering his early storylines. If I do recall correctly, Shawn was deeply involved in the car explosion at Dante's father's wedding. A former mercenary who reformed and then got bored again and started acting as muscle for the local mob boss. You know me! (But he's a good guy now, y'all, 'cause remember that one time he found a dog in a car? Where is that dog these days?)

Anyway, naturally he took a bullet for the police commissioner today because while they've done a great job of making GH wildly and blissfully less mob-focused over the past year, we have to have some way to recognize our show. And what better way than allowing one of Sonny's associates to be valiant and heroic and more competent than cops?