As I predicted, I lost a considerable portion of my life this weekend wading through classic Nurse's Ball videos (and while I wouldn't consider last year's ball a "classic", I did spend a tremendous amount of time watching Brenda throw a dinner roll at Carly. As I have said many times in the past, my standards for entertainment are incredibly low, which makes daytime's failure to entertain me quite concerning) and purchasing Greek yogurt (FUN FACT: the cashier at Stop and Shop commented on the quantity of Greek yogurt and English muffins I was buying, which wasn't actually that many, but apparently enough to raise an eyebrow. In my defense, the limited edition cinnamon vanilla English muffins are amazing and it was worth the heaps of scorn I brought on myself. Go buy a package. I'll wait.). I did not, however, recap General Hospital. I thought about General Hospital, clearly, and I even talked about it a lot (and not just sending swoony "Remember Robin?!" texts as I finished watching clips. Like, I texted about modern day General Hospital. It was mostly complaining about the grade school love triangle, but still, it happened), but writing did not happen. Can I make it up to you with a recap?
Toast yourself an English muffin (or grab a spoon and a container of yogurt)* and away we go!
*This post is not sponsored by the breakfast industry**
**I now want to create a breakfast blog called CEREAL Drama and I can post definitive rankings on breakfast cereals, host heated debates on pancakes vs. waffles...
***Best idea ever.
We open on butts--the male butts of Magic Milo and the Magic Wands that ended Friday's show. Epiphany is in her glory, cat-calling the handsome men of Port Charles ("Lose those drawers!"). Olivia looks uncomfortable, ostensibly because she is still reeling from the disturbing and, I guess, heartbreaking news that Sonny cheated on her, but she could also be upset by Michael's inclusion in this performance--he looks 14! It's just weird. Over her shoulder, from another table, Sonny just watches her and he looks more like a villain in a slasher movie than he ever has.
While Lucy babbles about Richard Simmons, Olivia gets up and Sonny immediately follows her. Like, he's in her personal space at the speed of light. "Olivia, can you talk to me?" "No, you are gross". "I know you're angry, but isn't this a little much? If you don't take me back, kiss ever having a storyline again goodbye". He says he needs to talk to her and they should go somewhere else, and I am reminded of Jack Donaghy warning Liz Lemon never to go with a hippie to a second location. I am not exactly sure what Sonny's end game is here--is he planning to just whine until Olivia forgives him/his eye is caught by another attractive woman and he realizes he doesn't need her? He asks her for another chance and petulantly ends with "Can you do that?". It's douchey.
Lulu and Maxie hug.
Brad is horrified by Lucas and Felix stripping together and asks Britt, who looks like an eight foot tall glamazon, if the night could get any worse. IRONY BECAUSE IT CAN AND WILL!
Like, in a matter of seconds. Nik and Spencer arrive and immediately run into Liz, Ric, Cam, and Emma.
The "Whose Life Is Sadder?" competition Britt and Brad are embroiled in continues and Britt urges Brad to do something about it. With a swig of liquid courage, he goes to do just that.
Lucy sprints onstage to introduce a special surprise--one of Port Charles's favorite sons, on the road to stardom, stint in jail...Blackie Parrish. I will admit to having a moment, or several, of absolute terror at that introduction. Since it pretty clearly wasn't going to be John Stamos (more's the pity! The world needs more John Stamos. I feel that, since I am among friends, I can share that I had a big crush on him before I knew what a crush even was. I was in, like, kindergarten and I used to turn on VH1 in hopes that the Kokomo video would be on and I could catch a glimpse of him playing the drums. Even the mullet didn't bother me. I won't go so far as to say that I liked it, but I guess I took my Stamos however I could get it. I can still picture that pink tank top he wore whenever I hear "Kokomo", which is very rarely, but still. I eventually moved on to Christian Bale and ended my elementary school career hopelessly in love with Tim Daly. I was a little weirdo), I worried that it would just be some rando extra with a black wig or, more horrifyingly, Ronn Moss as a recast Blackie which would be so much of a CAN NOT moment that I'd probably spontaneously develop asthma and need an inhaler. It was quite the relief when Lucy said something about a scheduling conflict and ran around semi-hysterically trying to fix her show.