I was traipsing through the Serial Drama archives looking for a particularly unsettling screencap of the Quartermaine crypt (which I found--I should warn you, these images are not safe for your blood pressure) and I stumbled upon my reaction--a rageful and very, very long reaction--to finding out that Diego was the Text Message Killer and aside from the reference to Maxie's unfortunate experimentation with babushkas, which clearly dates it as an early 2008 piece, it's something I could have written today. About yet another shitty story featuring someone who died multiple times.
"We all know that the GH powers-that-be exert effort as often as they give screentime to Jacklyn Zeman. After all, WHY write for a dozen characters when you can just have the same four people have the same conversation every day? And WHY write stories about women being strong and independent when you can just use scripts from the 1950s and have women on your show solely to be victims or incubators? And WHY dress your cast in clothes that seem like they could be sold in actual stores when you can instead borrow hats from kindly grandmothers?
...the GH powers-that-be DO sometimes work hard to do something and when they do it, they are unfailingly committed to it. Unfortunately, that "something" is not "creating an entertaining, engaging soap opera" but is, rather "rewrite history with a blatant disregard for medical science, an overriding lack of originality and a massive amount of disrespect for the audience watching at home".
Three things struck me:
1. All of this is still true.
2. I have been writing about General Hospital for a LONG time (and I used to write much more and much longer. This show is stealing both my creativity and my sunshine) (I apologize for the reference to Len. The "90s Teen Dreams" station on iHeartRadio played it this morning before Ginuwine and after Hanson. Obviously I was having a good day before I watched GH).
3. All of this is still true. Which I already said, I know, but it started to make me paranoid. Is life just one big episode of Groundhog Day?
I am, of course, still peeved about AJ's murder--his second murder, actually. Because killing off a dynamic legacy character with lots of storyline potential just once isn't enough; we have to keep going back to that well, The Killing Well, repeatedly. The only way this will even REMOTELY approach being okay is if AJ returns to town all fresh and alive in a few years and writes a book with a ridiculous title like My Two Deaths: Tales From The Quartermaine Crypt: The AJ Quartermaine Story: A Tragedy and even then, we'll have to deal with a lot of garbage aftermath stories before we get thirty seconds of comic payoff with a mock book cover--because it's basically a perfect storm of things designed to irritate me. It's short-sighted, it's wasteful (remember how excited we all were when Sean Kanan first brought AJ back from the dead? I find our 2012 childlike innocence both adorable and completely enraging. "You fools! How can you not see this is going to go straight to hell? Literally, he will soon die and then everyone in town will talk about how he's going straight to hell like the war criminal they all think he is!"), it's burying another Quartermaine. It's an ugh. It is a total ugh--yes, it is the kind of thing that completely saps me of any and all verbal ability and leads me to instead quote Britney Spears. Federline era Britney.
But truly: what else can you say about this, aside from "UGH"?
Sonny: I didn't shoot him because I had to, I shot him because I wanted to?
Sure, you could substitute things like "Ew" or "[Dramatic gasp intended to convey both horror and disgust" or "I always knew you were a goddamn psychopath, you garbage person!".
And this conversation:
Carly: I would choose you over and over again. You know that I would. You and Michael have been through so much and he's never lost faith in you.
Sonny: I need that.
Carly: HE needs that and he needs you, and AJ doesn't get it tear it apart. Look at me. We take this to our grave.
UGH, right? And also "SIGH". And also also "Jesus, AJ's corpse, stop ruining things for everyone! Don't ruin even more of Sonny's life from beyond the grave, you selfish dead bastard!"
But "UGH" just says so much with so few letters. And two of them just happen to be "GH"...