Serial Drama

Triptych

Okay, I'm sometimes prone to hyperbole with my post titles. But today's General Hospital had three hugely noteworthy setpieces that merit a little attention, however brief.

1.) The strangest, most unlikely alliance ever turned out to be incredibly fascinating and even a little touching. When yesterday's preview's hinted we were getting some serious Connie and Tracy scenes today, I was all, "Eh? What do you mean, Connie and Tracy?"

What started as more anti-A.J. machinations on Tracy's part turned into a very unlikely but lovely bonding scene, where they did more than just connect as overt bad girls with terrible instincts and lousy taste in men, but the writers even remembered why there actually is something for them to talk about -- considering the Trey/Joe history. 

Color me surprised! And really, if this was just a one-off I'd still think it was nice but at this point I'd be bummed. Both of these woman are ostensible mega-bitches who are really just insecure little girls inside; this would be a compelling female friendship moving forward. Sure, they could scheme together. But they could also be the rare person to see the other one's best side and fight for it. (I'm being naively optimistic here, I know. But I liked it, dammit!)

 

2.) You know how sometimes the dialogue for and about Sonny on this show is so off-the-wall and offensive that you want to throw things at the screen for how tone-deaf these people are, and other times the dialogue for and about Sonny is so off-the-wall and offensive that you're 1000% positive that these people know exactly what they're doing and exactly what a hypocritical mess Sonny really is? Today, for me, fell squarely into the latter category.

Kristina: There is no Kate, Dad. It's just Connie. And she's horrible and you refused to stop her so I had to do it myself! [SHE's horrible, Kristina? Oooooh boy. --L.]

Alexis: No, no, you don't get to do that. No matter how terrible you feel or how wronged you think you are, you don't get to take the law into your own hands.

The Real Victim Here Is My Eardrums

The General Hospital writers who decided to center so much of today's episode on Kristina and Connie together, in scenes prominently featuring the former's UNBELIEVABLY LOUD YELLS OF RAGE-Y RAGE and the latter's open-mouthed terror and, eventually, sneer-mouthed aggression, are either horrible people who want to cause me physical and emotional pain or absolute geniuses who know that what I need after a long and terrible day is a good guffaw and what in the world is funnier than Kristina screaming at Connie with such force that her voluminous hair kept flopping into her eyes in a manner that reminded me of Barkley on Sesame Street.

No, really, it was amazing and also terrible. Why would they allow Lindsey Morgan in a scene with such a mondo (and entertaining, but really: mondo) overactor when she hasn't exactly mastered the concept of "acting"? What was she trying to...do, here, exactly (I know, I know, convey rage and heartbreak, but I keep forgetting that Kristina and Trey were even a couple, because I've spent so long blocking out their scenes)? Why are any and all references to Trey being abandoned in a drawer so amazingly funny to me? Why is Dante the only police officer who works in Port Charles and how many more of his family members will he need to arrest before he decides it might be best to look into another line of work, like accounting or hairdressing?

The Varied & the Potential

Huh.

Is the Stockholm Syndrome kicking in or was yesterday's episode of The Bold & the Beautiful... pretty good? Nothing spectacular, certainly, but it just felt like a solid thirty minutes of fairly dependable soap. We had old rivalries flaring up, pasts catching up to people, and a couple working on their troubled marriage. Variety! The spice of life, and certainly of soap!

First up, it's about time Dayzee's backstory catches up with her current non-story. She has an interesting history that should be mined for years to come, but the show generally just treats her as a nice, bland person who has integrity and is married to Marcus. Who is a Forrester. Which means she shows up at Forrester Creations from time to time to sort of sit near Marcus and look supportive, and considering Marcus's job at Forrester Creations seems to be to sit near Thomas or Rick or Steffy or Hope or Eric and look supportive, it's a pretty thankless and meaningless gig.

So apparently NewGirl Maya used to work at the shelter with Dayzee and ultimately got wrongfully convicted of some crime or another and sentenced to ten years' hard time. She had no family willing to take in her daughter, so Dayzee hooked her up with what sounds like a less-than-legal adoption service and placed the kid. Maya has now been exonerated (or released early on good behavior? It seemed a little vague to me) and wants her daughter back and wants Dayzee to help her find the kid. Dayzee confided all of this in Hope, of all people.

Which is a good move. Because seriously, Hope has barely been in a scene that's not about her and her stupid love triangle for years now and when someone's in such desperate need of character rehab, it's always smart to actually show them being helpful to a friend or a family member just because. (Yeah, I realize the show's pretending that Hope's already gone through character rehabilitation, signified by her constantly telling us how she's now "tough and mature and going after what she wants," but eww. It's not working.)

Anyway, this has potential. I fear it'll last a week, but am hoping for much more (and the fact that she's keeping it from Marcus because she's "a Forrester now" -- which actually seems out of character for Dayzee to say in that manner so we'll see -- appears to be a sign that this'll be a high-ish stakes storyline, but I've been duped before).

I'm In The Midst Of A Shame Spiral

Even though the following conversation is incredibly and almost uncomfortably reminiscent of the oneupsmanship sixth grade girls engage in while crushing on the same boy ("Tim borrowed a pencil from me in math class". "Oh, well, Tim stood next to me in line for lunch, so..." "Yeah, but he spoke to me" "Because he needed something!"), I assure you that it is actually an irony-free conversation with two grown men who are both in love with the same loud, unlikable harridan.

Todd: What did you think of Carly's haircut?
Johnny: What are you talking about?
Todd: Oh, that's right. You didn't get a chance to see it. Let me tell you, man, she looks great. It's short, awesome. You probably won't see it until it's long again. You know, like down to the floor long. And you'll probably have cataracts by then.
Johnny, equal parts jealous, annoyed, and fantasizing about Carly with a haircut: What, did the paddywagon stop at the beauty shop?
Todd: She came to see me at my arraignment. Yeah, after everything we've been through, she still can't shake me.
Johnny, equal parts wanting to throw up and fantasizing about sexing Carly up atop Todd's cold, dead body: How...how'd she look? She look okay?
Todd: She looked HOT. Never looked better. Never, ever.
Johnny, wanting so desperately to have the upper hand in this conversation: You know, Todd, something tells me she didn't show up to show her support for you. She wants you to see waht you're missing.
Todd: She came to see me. Did she come to see you, Johnny? No. She's already forgotten about you.

I wish I could tell you that the above is one of my satirical GH conversations, but no: it was very, very real and very, very off-putting and very, very "For the love OF, gentlemen, this is CARLY you are fighting over. Not that this middle school level of discourse would ever be understandable, but CARLY. CARLY!"

If I keep fast-forwarding through all of the things that make me cringe, I'm only going to be able to sit through any and all Anna scenes, and AJ's plotting. Which really isn't a bad thing. I'm just saying.

Confessions and Connections, Missed and Otherwise

Line of the day -

Spinelli: There was no "scampering."

First of all, I'm on record as loving Ellie. Loving. It's ridiculous. She's just adorable. And "adorable" is not usually high on my list of reasons to like a new character, so I don't even know what's up with it. And she had every right in the world to be furious at Spinelli for sleeping with Maxie (and even giving him the boot for the rest of ever) and every right in the world to assume that Maxie was pretty pleased with that development. But now she thinks Maxie sabotaged her car? It hasn't even been two years since the last time we had a new character who quickly became a romantic rival for an established female character and decided that the established female character was probably some sort of killer. This was said new character's beginning-of-the-end, as we know that such groundless accusations are generally designed to make us turn on someone initially likable. Especially when it's someone who has brown eyes and red hair. You know, like someone else we know. 

Plus, she got a little screechy today for my tastes. This does not bode well, particularly because she does not have a single solitary friend or connection on the show other than Spinelli (poor thing). I worry very much for her future. Because she's silly and nice and sweet and smart and stands up for herself and is all those things but is still a convincing adult. Young adult, sure, but adult.

Ahem. Which brings me to...

I'm well aware this is a controversial storyline and that those who hate it, hate it like it was designed to torture them and their loved ones for all time. Admittedly I'm not a member of that hate patrol (shall I duck?) -- I rather like that Patrick's current "love interest" is such a nasty piece of work that we know we're not meant to take her seriously as a match for him. I do wish Britt were written as a soap bitch with a little nuance (and it looked like they almost might at first, but they've reversed course completely), especially because I think Kelly Thibeaud is a good addition to the cast and I'm all for expanding the hospital posse (and would like to see her have to nurse Johnny Zacchara back to health from some gunshot or another -- you know, just for funsies), but I'm hoping if the character sticks around she'll be kicked to the curb by Patrick and maybe then start to grow that heart. Because of Frisco's love? Or something. We can handle more than one note. (Hell, I'm softening toward Connie. Anything can happen.)

Short On Words, Long On Exclamation Points

Maybe it's the hypothermia* messing with my reading comprehension**, but I seem to be under the impression that Thorsten Kaye--Thorsten Freaking Kaye, you guys, as Zach Freaking Slater. THORSTEN! KAYE!--is headed to Prospect Park's All My Children and Jack Wagner--JACK WAGNER--Jack "OHMIGOD, you guys, Jack Wagner as Frisco. Frisco. Frisco!" Wagner--is returning to General Hospital and...that cannot be true, can it? It can and it is and all I can do is clap like a deranged seal!***

*No, REALLY. I know I say all the time "I'm so not melodramatic, but [insert absolutely ludicrous imaginary side effect of watching a television show here!]", but...it is so, so cold. And my office is so, so cold that the seltzer I had on my desk started to freeze and my rings kept falling off. FRIGID!

**When I first read this news, I saw "Frisco" as "Franco" and I literally gasp-shrieked and dropped my phone and almost started to cry. The saddest part about that sentence, besides my inability to read, is that I am not exaggerating. That is what just imagining a glimpse of the name Franco does to me. Did you guys see his poem about President Obama? I died a thousand deaths.

***And momentarily crash back down to earth by raising an eyebrow quizzically at the names not listed on the AMC returns list. Like Kanes and Chandlers, for example. I mean, granted, I would for sure watch a full hour of just Jill Larson as Opal, being hilarious, but...I don't know what to make of this.

I have no such misgivings about Jack Wagner's return--all of that is just pure awesome.

A Photo Finish

So because I must come up with something to do to amuse myself while thinking about The Bold & the Beautiful, I am going to make an attempt to recap today's episode with as few words as possible (and it's totally not that hard to understand if you just scroll through because, trust me, if you missed today's episode it was just a re-juggled script from about 200 other episodes so you should be able to fill in the dots).

Guess what they were arguing about. Yeah.

 

I Think I Need To Be Medicated

I spent the better part of last week suffering from the world's worst headache; one of those "I'm pretty much convinced that my right eyeball is going to explode out of my head like I'm living in a scene from an alien movie" headaches, where all you want to do is curl up in the fetal position and avoid loud noises at all costs--it made it impossible for me to watch any Carly scenes on General Hospital.

One small GH marathon later and I'm right back where I started, except this time I am sick everywhere and it's entirely Maxie and Spinelli's fault.

Maxie: So? Will you do it? Will you pop another one of Dante and Lulu's little embryos in me?
Britt: Maxie, I-I'm sorry. I can't.
Maxie: I thought you understood. I am trying to spare my best friend. Why make her suffer when I can be pregnant before she even gets back?
Britt: It's not that I'm unwilling to do the procedure.
Maxie: Then what is your problem?
Britt: Maxie, you're already pregnant.

I think we all--if we're all dour and pessimistic, which we are and have every right to be--saw this coming from the moment Spinelli and Maxie spent the night together, so it's not that it's surprising. It's just that it's horrifying. I'm trying to think of things that I hate more than Spinelli and Maxie as a couple (besides actual real world issues like genocide and famine...although I'd probably take certain diseases over this pairing) and I'm coming up empty. I'd even take the vampire stuff over this, and the vampire stuff had me hiding my face behind my hands, overcome with secondhand embarrassment. This relationship completely obliterates anything I've ever enjoyed about Maxie, and it gives Spinelli much more screentime than he ever deserves and--AND! All of this will make Ellie incredibly sad and who among us wants that?

WHO WANTS TO SEE HER DEJECTED AND DEPRESSED?! No one! And--shameless editing of a post to include a .gif of my new favorite thing ever, ever, ever-- I hate it like Jim Harbaugh hates blown calls

 SPOILER ALERT: I will never get sick of seeing this and it will most likely come in handy during the coming weeks on General Hospital.

Maybe I am wrong and this story will play out very differently than it is in my nightmares, with good writing and unpredictable plot twists and a happy resolution for all involved, and by that I mostly mean Ellie (and me). I'm probably not, of course; that is most likely just my migraine medication talking. Can I request that GH reimburse me?

 

The Idiotic & the Forgiving

Liam Spencer: World's Biggest Idiot.

Y'all, I had to laugh my ass off today when it became clear that Liam has now forgiven Bill everything just because of his little fake-stabbing-himself stunt. Seriously. That is all it took. I mean I didn't just start watching this show so I knew nothing would really change and that Liam would forgive him, but damn! I thought there might be a little tension the next few times they interacted. But nope. Bygones! Blocked his bride from showing up to their wedding! Made him think he'd been stood up at the altar with a fake note! Bribed a warden to get his fiancee's father out of prison to blindside her! The list goes on, but he gave himself an ouchie in the chest (or at least so Liam thinks) so, you know. No biggie!

I did love Katie's face when Liam filled her in on what a drama queen her husband is.

Right, Katie? Of course it doesn't matter. She'll stick with him anyway, just like everyone inexplicably does. Which I frequently get all pissy about on Katie's behalf, but then...

But then they get all cute! That is just not playing fair.

Anyway, back to his other son, the douchenozzle who not only one gorgeous and allegedly intelligent woman wants, but TWO! For absolutely not one single good reason. Oh and someone should totally tell Taylor and Brooke that if they need to intervene daily in their daughters' love lives because otherwise things just won't go right? Then their daughters aren't ready to be involved in something so damn serious.

Interview With A Vampire King

Full disclosure, y'all. I did not watch Port Charles. It is the one blip in my ABC daytime soap viewing history. I mean I've got The City, Ryan's Hope, Loving, all of 'em. I did watch the very first episode of Port Charles with some friends over a great deal of what was probably tequila and we had good laughs at Audrey's impromptu brain surgery or whatever it was, but I did not have time in my schedule to take on another soap at the time. I was tempted by Lucy Coe, but it just never happened. I sort of vaguely knew about the evolution of the show into conceptual story arcs and I definitely knew that Caleb and Livvie were a hot item, but I don't have the full story.

And I'll admit, when I heard about this upcoming callback to the vampire story, I was less than excited. I'm always on the side of minor stunts or character "gets" that might add some viewers' eyes to the show so that it continues its uptick in ratings, but are there really that many Port Charles viewers who don't already watch General Hospital? And those who don't, would they really be lured back with this sort of thing? Not to mention that this is not like jumping Todd, Starr, and John over from One Life to Live. Because those are now GH characters. They are who they were on OLTL (well, the Todd part has been hotly debated, but you know what I mean). But didn't PC basically happen in some alternate universe? My feeling was always that PC events didn't really happen in GH's Port Charles unless it was occasionally convenient. You'd think someone on GH might have mentioned a vampire takeover in the town. Moreover, Kelly Monaco is not playing Livvie and Michael Easton is not playing Caleb. It's one thing to throw out a few winks at the audience like when Sam and John first met. But it's another to actually turn it into a story arc.

But then I heard this:

Lucy: I am just as impervious to you as I was the day you arrived in Port Charles with that stupid band of yours, thinking you could hypnotize everybody with the glamour. Well, you can't glamour me.

Look, I don't know what the everloving fuck she's talking about, but that is hilarious. HYPNOTIZE EVERYBODY WITH THE GLAMOUR?! He had a band? You mean like a band of marauders or something or a rock band? Either way I am REALLY EXCITED and I need to look this up.

Then later there was this gem:

Lucy: He's turning the police department into his own personal coven!

The PCPD, a coven! I'm enjoying the image. Plus, after Lucy stabbed John with a stake (!), she kept screaming that's he supposed to "combust." I am seriously going to have to hit up YouTube for some of this madness. Combust? I want to see a vampire combust on a daytime soap special effects budget, like, yesterday.