When Ryan told us that among the old Passions musings taking up space on his hard drive was a post that combined several of our favorite things -- reality TV, making fun of soaps, and press release parodies -- we couldn't wait to read it. Enjoy! (For those who require some initiation, skip to the end for some background from Ryan.)
WHY SURVIVOR 4: ST. LISA’S WAS SCRAPPED
ABS News Service, Saturday, April 20, 2002
It's a little-known fact that Survivor 4: Marquesas was actually a hastily thrown together last minute replacement for the intended fourth edition of the series, which was to be called Survivor 4: St. Lisa's.
"We didn't even make it through the first week before we decided to scrap it," said creator Mark Burnett. "I have never seen a bunch of such clueless, inept people in my life!"
Trouble began brewing even before the contestants reached the island. Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald was upset that he wasn't on the same tribe as fellow contestant Charity Standish. A similar situation occurred with Miguel's sister, Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald, who shrieked to the high heavens that she needed to be on the same tribe as Ethan Crane. Meanwhile, contestant TC Russell was incensed that his daughter Whitney was on the same tribe as Chad Harris. "He's a no-good punk who needs to stay away from my daughters!" he bellowed as the crew restrained him.
Once they reached their camps, there was immediate conflict within the Ptui tribe. Rebecca Hotchkiss and Ivy Crane refused to lift a finger to help build the tribe's shelter, saying only common people did manual labor. Both women were also outraged that the crew refused to fetch them mai tais or call room service for them. When it was explained to them that the concept of Survivor was to rough it in the wilderness with no modern conveniences, both women bellowed, "Do you know who I am? I am Mrs. Julian Crane!" in unison.
Matters only got worse once the shelter was built. Ivy, Rebecca, and Theresa each insisted that they were the real Mrs. Julian Crane and therefore were entitled to the entire shelter. Although they had done all the work in building it, their fellow tribemates decided to camp elsewhere to avoid the screaming.
Things weren't any better over at the Kabong tribe. Dr. Eve Russell started shrieking about the evils of singing when her fellow tribemates decided to break into a round of "Kumbaya" around the campfire. "The woman was some sort of fundamentalist wacko! She actually thought that singing would lead to drugs and prostitution! You would think that would make her an easy target for first person voted off the tribe, but amazingly everyone agreed, apologized, and stopped singing. There was no conflict at all," said Burnett.
But the real trouble came the next day with the reward challenge. It was a simple relay race in which contestants were required to untie an oar, race back, and tag the next contestant, who had to untie another oar and race back. The third contestant had to break open a batch of coconuts until they found one with a key. They had to hand that off to the fourth contestant, who would race down to the beach with the key and the oars to give them to the remaining four contestants, who were to row out to a buoy, grab the team flag, row back to shore and place it at the final platform. "They never even finished the race!" exclaimed Burnett.
The trouble started right at the starting gate. Pilar
Lopez-Fitzgerald refused to budge. "Dios Mio, I have a bad feeling
about this race," she said. "Mark my words, no good can come of