The title of the episode is in no way a euphemism for any bedroom acts between Stef and Lena this week, y'all. In fact, things couldn't be worse in that department, but we'll get to that later.
A lot of last night's show felt like fan service, didn't it? As if we hadn't already realized that before they helpfully displayed a #BrallieAdventure hashtag. So let's get this out of the way: Callie scooped Brandon up in the middle of the night and they dashed off to Mexico for some illegal skydiving. Brandon filled her in on what happened back at music camp with Kat, and then dropped this gem:
Brandon: At least i don't have to deal with any crazy dramatic women anymore!
Oh Brando, starting the misogyny so early.
Anyway, I guess it's a good sign that Callie called him her best friend instead of her brother-lover but the whole thing seemed meant to fan the flames. For shippers or whoever these people are who think these siblings should date.
So they almost got arrested, but Brandon paid off the police with his fancy keyboard, which I'm sure will go for a lot on the Mexican black market. Miraculously this works. Also because they are idiots, it didn't occur to them they might need passports to return to the US. After all, they didn't need passports to leave the US! Come on kids, this is just like how it's completely free to go through a tunnel or over a bridge from NYC to New Jersey, but you have to pay an assload to get back in! (I AM KIDDING I LOVE NEW JERSEY IT IS WONDERFUL.)
Callie's going to buy Brandon another keyboard, she insists, which I doubt he'll hold her to. Though he does get an opportunity to return to music camp, so he sure will need one.
Oh wait! Allow me to also share his other gem:
Brandon: You ever feel like the whole world is conspiring against you?
Callie: Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with that concept.
Again, Brando, you basically have the cushiest life on the planet and you have the nerve to say something like that to Callie, whose life is calamity personified. But she pretty brilliantly read him the riot act about how everything bad in his own life is because he makes really dumb-ass choices, so at least we got that. They got busted for their adventure, and Stef pretends that eventually there are actually going to be consequences for their behavior, but we all know that's not true. Nobody on this show ever gets punished, Stef! We're paying attention!
This exchange, however, was a particular delight:
Lena: How'd you get back into the country with no passports?
Callie: We just played dumb.
Stef: Well, that couldn't have been hard.
Meanwhile, in Adult Land, Stef got in trouble with Lena for going ahead and hiring a contractor to fix their leak. Oscar showed up early!
Oops. This led to a series of arguments between the two of them about communication and how Lena really wants them to go to couples counseling. Methinks this is because she'd sure like a mediator there when she 'fesses up to her kiss with Monte. And sure enough, later, when Oscar himself has the contractor's wisdom to know that a married couple separating in the middle of a job means the purse strings situation gets crazy and his paycheck may get put off forever, Stef wised up and realized if the contractor is giving you marriage counseling, it's time to go to a pro.
This also led to Stef coming across an empty pregnancy test box in the piles of garbage the raccoons had attacked.
Stumbling across a trashed pregnancy test is one of the oldest tropes in the televised book, but I have to give them credit here for two twists: it was in the outdoor garbage, rather than just visible to the naked eye at the top of the bathroom wastebasket the way it usually is, so Mariana had the foresight to dispose of the damn thing outside of the house. Also, Stef found the box, not the test itself, so she didn't even know the result of it. Yet.