Otherwise known as: THE ONE IN WHICH I HAVE TO SCRUB MY BRAIN WITH STEEL WOOL BECAUSE I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNSEE THAT.
In case you missed it, basically on last night's episode Brandon got rewarded for being a self-pitying egomaniac by winning a big competition he should have been disqualified from and then immediately got to fuck his little sister.
But let's put a pin in that for just a second so my eyes can stop bleeding and review a couple of other enjoyable, dramatic, and not-revolting or infuriating things that happened in the episode. Because as hard as it is to remember, those things did happen, too.
- I kind of lost the thread of the hit-and-run subplot because the show did, too, for much of the half-season, so I couldn't really tell what was going on with that at first. But ultimately, Mike figured out that Ty's friend (by the way, Ty is AJ's brother, for those of us having trouble keeping track of the only-sometimes stories) was the dude in the surveillance video that had something to do with the hit-and-run, which also means that Ty could have been involved. Mike swiped Ty's prints from a pen at the nursing home where his grandmother just had a stroke, so I'm sure AJ and Mike will do great together after this!
- Jude was not in this episode. So that sucks, as always. There seemed to be even less of an explanation than usual. I think at this point the subtext is, "Listen, audience, you know this is just TV and Hayden Byerly is just not going to work his childhood away so that you people can swoon over him and Connor and call him Judicorn, okay?" FINE, SHOW. I'll go with that. But something tells me you're about to lose all my good faith. Okay no, no, I'm not going to talk about that yet.
- Mat turned back up and he and Mariana started to get romantic. He confessed that he had staved off sexytimes with her because he's actually a virgin and he wants their first time to be special. Because Mariana does have a conscience and a pretty big-hearted one at that, she realized she had to come clean to him that she's not a virgin. And she did. And told him she cheated on him. Poor Mat.
- Lena and Stef and Jenna and Monte planned a weekend away together (what could go wrong?) since Jenna's friend conveniently has a cabin right near Idyllwild, where everyone's going to go see Brandon get rewarded for his woe-is-me, special-snowflake complex...
...and of course Jenna and Stef had emergencies back home and Monte and Lena had to have a wine dinner while sitting next to a crackling fireplace in the middle of the summer with romantic piano music in the background.
No big deal, right? During their intimate fireside wine chat (though major props to the props: both of them brought an actual six-pack of wine!) we learn that Monte loves having ladysex and is all about the lesbians, just not that particular lesbian. She later breaks up with Jenna (because that's a polite thing to do under the circumstances...like, she couldn't wait till they were back home??) and even tells her about the kiss with Lena. Jenna later breaks this bit of news to Stef, which, ouch.
That, too, couldn't have waited till everyone was back from their weekend away? Timing, people! But of course all this drama served mostly to turn a full cabin into an almost-empty cabin save for one sadly sleeping Mariana and two horny de facto siblings BUT WE'LL GET TO THAT. Back at home, Stef confronts Lena, who of course denies everything until confronted with the kiss, which she admits to, but admits only to be a victim of. That kiss was nothing, Lena insists.
Stef: If it was nothing I think you would've told me.
Oof. I'd be really sad and engaged in all of this if I thought I'd continue being a viewer of this show. Because I love Stef and Lena.