Undisclosed East Coast Location, Friday -- Part-time soap opera blogger and magazine columnist Becca Thomas was arrested for vandalism and subsequently placed in a lock-down mental health facility after an incident at her home.
According to reports, Thomas returned from an extended business trip for her day job and became despondent over the idea of having to watch two weeks' worth of Days of Our Lives and General Hospital episodes saved on her DVR. At her wits' end, Thomas propelled her TiVo through her living room window. When police arrived, Thomas tried to explain her actions, but officers said she had clearly lost touch with reality.
"She kind of teared up and she started talking about how Days had made Steve and Kayla invisible, and Bo and Hope super boring, and that General Hospital was shooting kids in the head and having a mobster with a magic penis be the center of the show. Really crazy stuff," said Deputy Kate Johnson, who said she herself used to watch those two shows until the mid-1990s. "She also said something about a hitman being a hero, and how she would find watching the Golf Channel for a week straight more interesting than ten consecutive episodes of Days of Our Lives. The poor woman clearly has some kind of chemical imbalance."