Serial Drama

Access Llanview?

So...Wendy Williams. "Access Llanview." That happened today. So she guest-starred as the host of a tabloid TV show that served as a framing device for today's episode of One Life to Live, for... I have no idea what purpose. She didn't interact with any of the characters; she just offered up some exposition, but I didn't realize that today was a Very Special Episode for people who haven't watched in six months. I'm all for new viewers but this was just bizarre. And most importantly, where was Charlie Sheen? I thought he was going on all the talk shows from now on.

Well, if I got to host a show about Llanview, here's what I'd have to say to the three viewers:

Before Rex finally told the truth to Bo about where David is, Bo went all Clint on Rex about how David was such a traitor to his family, so they no longer care about him, which... doesn't that seem a bit at odds with his expectation that Clint should forgive him for getting involved with his wife? And should totally accept Rex as his son, despite Rex having tried to con the family in the past? Pick a philosophy, Bukes!

After Rex finally told the truth to Bo about where David is, Rex made some pathetic argument about how he put his own family ahead of Bo's. His living-rent-free girlfriend's tuition -- that's what he put ahead of Bo's family. It's not as if Rex's family's lives were at stake -- but Bo's son's life was and is at stake. I wish Rex had just stated it like is. He put Gigi's college tuition ahead of the life and freedom of Bo's son. 

Thankfully, Bo did not let it go. Today anyway.

General Hospital: 2008 In Review

We sat down to do our General Hospital 2008 in Review -- filled with bitterness and resentment as has become our norm when dealing with this mess of a show -- and we thought, what if our longstanding hatred of Bob Guza and his team's writing has blinded us?  What if there are really oodles of good things that we're overlooking as we focus on the fact that the mafia stole our soap?  How can we be more objective about this?  So we created a purely mathematical, empirical, unbiased approach that ensures we will be able to get a true assessment of whether this show really does suck.  We won't spoil the answer for you!  Walk back with us through the last year of GH episodes so you can understand our multi-layered analysis, won't you?

1995 and 1996

Things that suck:  Tom and Felicia.
Things that do not suck:  Everything else.

Early January

Things that suck:  This show declaring war on brunettes; ridiculous, stereotypical, caricature-ridden version of Kate's Manhattan; this show thinking we're stupid enough to care about Sonny getting arrested; Felicia; Spinelli still not speaking like a human being; Luke's ridiculous coma-dream; Emily the Tumor; Carly's wardrobe; Lulu getting kidnapped AGAIN; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Maxie; Kirsten Storms' performance as Maxie in the wake of Georgie's death; Kate's New Year's Eve look.

Mid January

Things that suck:  Stories involving kids playing with matches; unrealistic medical scenarios; yet another hostage situation in a hospital; Becky Herbst's highlights; Sonny lecturing Michael about hitting people; Lulu's kidnapping; not caring that Luke and Laura's daughter is kidnapped; Becca momentarily loving Sonny; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Alexis and Diane bonding, especially over both having killed a dude; Jax; Carly's comeuppance; Greg Vaughn's foxiness; Lucky being dreamy and protective.

Late January

Things that suck:  The ad campaign surrounding Sarah Brown's return; Felicia; Kristina Wagner's "performance" as Felicia; Becky Herbst's bangs; Lulu getting to choose between two hot guys; Alexis prosecuting someone who attacked her; Alexis "filling in" as DA while Ric is out of town; the Text Message Killer storyline; killing off Coop; Emily the Tumor; Dr. Devlin being pushed as sexy; Michael buying a gun; Michael buying a gun from Oliver!-esque adolescents; Megan Ward destroying The Bob; Sam's wardrobe; trust falls; Maurice Benard's duh face; Maxie having another boyfriend get murdered; Maxie owning three hideous knit hats; throwing the term "bastard son" around; thinking the writers would do a good HIV-positive pregnancy storyline; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Sarah Brown's return; the baby who plays Jake; Jason having an honest conversation with Michael about violence; Jason telling off Carly; Logan being hot; Cam; Dr. Julian if he cut his hair; Megan Ward's hair in virtually any style; Patrick shirtless. 

Ouch

Today, the ABC brass unveiled the big news that the special guest star for All My Children's November sweeps stunt is going to be...Celine Dion.

'Celine Dion represents another of today's top recording artists who are tapping into ABC's prime ratings position and garnering a presence with our daytime audience. This is the perfect blend of the power of music coupled with dramatic storytelling and enhancing the visibility of our brand across multi-platforms,' said Mr. Frons.

Ohmigod, you guys, he said "prime ratings position"! He's a lying liar who lies, unless "prime" is code for "shitty", in which case he's a dumbass, but an honest one, because this big news came out the day that the ratings show exactly how much ABC Daytime is sucking and blowing, what with AMC in dead last place*. I find that endlessly hilarious.

QUESTIONS:

• Does any of that make any sense whatsoever, or was it lifted verbatim from a Mad Libs page?
• What will it take to get Brian Frons fired?
• Who, aside from grandmas and the deaf, is clamoring for Celine Dion?
• Seriously, it's not 1998 anymore, is it?
• Don't you think it would be better if the guest were Ana Gasteyer as Celine Dion?
• Is this more or less embarrassing than when their big celebrity guest was Donny Osmond?
• Is this more or less embarrassing than when Clay Aiken sang to Steve and Kayla?
• If you want your brand to be more visible across multi-platforms (if that's really, like, a thing), shouldn't you focus on your brand not sucking?

*Dead Last!

1. Y&R
2. B&B
3. ATWT
4. GH
5. DAYS
6. OLTL
7. GL
8. AMC

!!! That's ultra embarrassing. More people watch Guiding Light--we didn't even know that existed!

Genoa City's Next Top British Guy

Is it sad that I read the news about world renowned fashion photographer Nigel Barker making a cameo on The Young and the Restless in my most solemn Tyra Banks voice? It kind of is, isn't it? "Four beautiful soaps stand before me, but I only have three photos in my hand..."

On principle, I'm against plots that revolve around Gloria and Amber, but I think that this could become some sort of campy nirvana. Dare I hope for ANTM injokes? Will Nigel call Amber a no-neck monster? Will Nikki have to back her bag's, y'all, to go to Milan? Will someone admit to being in denial about their snout? Will someone pour beer on Sharon's weave? The possibilities are endless!