Serial Drama

There Is No Spatula Large Enough To Lay It On This Thick

Anywhere in the world. There couldn't be! 

(Okay, maybe one.)

I realize I can barely come up with anything else to say about B&B lately, but I seriously cannot get enough of hearing all these completely deluded borderline-psychotics come up with ways to defend the indefensible.

Today, we had Brooke (who is just completely insane now) revisit the gem of, "But Katie told me she wanted me to sleep with her husband! You could totally tell by the way she angrily screamed it while crying and throwing her wedding ring!"

That one's sort of her standby, but today they really had me choking on my vegetarian chili.

Brooke (to Bill, the man who basically tried to ruin Brooke's daughter's life in order to control his son's in a completely creepy manner): You're a good father.

Bill: I try.

Donna (to Bill, the man she just learned cheated on his wife, her sister, with her other sister): And a good husband.

Bill: I try there, too.

Brooke (who is standing there all weepy because she is miraculously pregnant by Bill, her sister's husband, to Bill): You are.

WHO THE FREAK ARE THESE PEOPLE KIDDING? They are hilarious! And seriously, they weren't even playing this as if, "I'm just trying to convince myself of it." All of these lines were said entirely sincerely, as if Bill is a great and wonderful man -- so wonderful that they are brought to tears by said wonder.

And then we got the best bit of all.

Bill: A lot of that has to do with Will. He's taught me how to be a better man. 'Cause a man, a real man is there for his child. My father wasn't there for me, and I wasn't there for Liam, and even though that was no fault of my own, I'm not gonna let the same thing happen with Will. Yeah. I know what you're thinking. Big bad Bill talking about his progeny. But I mean it. If you bring a child into this world, well, you better be there for him...or her, as the case may be. 

What Were They SUPPOSED To Believe?!

I mean Brooke really does always know when someone has LEFT HER WITH NO CHOICE. 

Today, she confessed to their mutual sister that she bumped uglies with Katie's husband (oh sorry to be so crass, they would refer to it as "made love" or "what they shared" because what could be more beautiful), and she justified it over and over and over again by explaining that FIVE MINUTES BEFORE, Katie had said the marriage was over and she totally meant it. Donna suspects that Katie was just angry but, no, Brooke knows that Katie meant what she said. It hasn't occurred to her quite yet that EVEN IF SHE'S RIGHT AND KATIE WAS DONE, you actually do not get to fuck your sister's husband five minutes after she announces she wants out. You actually do not. Even if said married sister is super-hard on her husband by being all judgmental and not having energy for sex when she's taking care of a newborn and not wanting her hubby to get wasted and, like, knock nieces off of balconies or whatevs. THERE IS LITERALLY NO CIRCUMSTANCE UNDER WHICH THIS BEHAVIOR IS OKAY. 

But Brooke doesn't get that, because she's "wired" wrong. (Lord do I hate it that Taylor's right!) Brooke is legitimately shocked and baffled that this is blowing up in her face. 

 

(Does anyone else still get distracted after all these years in scenes between Katherine Kelley Lang and Jennifer Gareis by how much they totally really do look related?)

Elsehwere, Bill thinks he's just fantastic by re-committing to Katie despite all of the throwing himself at Brooke and the history of cheating. Oh and right, remember how he hates it when people walk out? Katie keeps walking out! HOW CAN SHE EXPECT HIM NOT TO SCREW HER BIG SISTER?!

And the show is just twisting the knife by having poor Katie constantly apologizing to Bill and Brooke about how horribly unfair she was, when she was completely right all along. 

'Tis The Season

Big week for soaps! There was that thing that happened on Monday, and today we have the Daytime Emmy nominations announcement.

Shall we take a look?

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES

The Bold and the Beautiful                                CBS
Bradley P. Bell, Executive Producer
Rhonda Friedman, Edward J. Scott, Supervising Producers
Ronald W. Weaver, Senior Producer
MarkPinciotti, Coordinating Producer
Cynthia J. Popp, Colleen Bell, Casey Kasprzyk, Producers

Days of Our Lives                                                 NBC
Ken Corday, Executive Producer
Lisa de Cazotte, Greg Meng, Co-Executive Producers
Janet Drucker, Tim Stevens, Coordinating Producers
Albert Alarr, Producer

General Hospital                                                   ABC
Frank Valentini, Executive Producer
Mary-Kelly Weir, Michelle Henry, Mercer Barrows, Producers

One Life To Live                                                   ABC
Frank Valentini, Executive Producer
Suzanne Flynn, Senior Producer
Jackie Van Belle, Coordinating Producer
John Tumino, Leah Weber, Producers

The Young and the Restless                             CBS
Maria Arena Bell, Jill Farren Phelps, Executive Producers
Jay Gibson, Consulting Producer
Sally McDonald, John Fisher, Tony Morina, Supervising Producers

 

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

SUSAN FLANNERY, as Stephanie Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                           CBS

PEGGY MCCAY, as Caroline Brady
Days of our Lives                                                         NBC

MICHELLE STAFFORD, as Phyllis Summers Newman
The Young and the Restless                                          CBS

HEATHER TOM, as Katie Logan Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful                                           CBS

 

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

PETER BERGMAN, as Jack Abbott
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

DOUG DAVIDSON, as Paul Williams
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

MICHAEL MUHNEY, as Adam Newman
The Young and the Restless                                            CBS

JASON THOMPSON, as Patrick Drake
General Hospital                                                             ABC

Soulmates!

If you've ever spent any time browsing the B&B posts on here, y'all probably know by now how much I irrationally love it when they end episodes with those super-cheesy juxtapositions of characters longing for each other across space and time or whatever.

And those corny oft-repeated flashback montages to airy music are no different. Brooke and Bill flew in a balloon together! She cried in his arms when Stephanie died! And, most importantly, there was that one time she called him "Stallion" and HE ACTUALLY NEIGHED.

So as you can imagine, yesterday was Good Times for Weezie because they did both in one episode. And we got the full concluding zooming-in juxtaposed LOVAHS shot:

So romantic! Isn't it sad that these two soulmates can't be together?!

With This Ring....

Y'all, Liam got married again!!! (He does that a lot. His wedding-to-actual-marriage ratio is pretty shameful, but he sure has broken the record on weddings.)

There's not much to say about it, really, but I couldn't resist posting this particular close-up of the big ring moment:

I can't help it, it cracked me up. I like that Steffy is an unconventional kind of gal (though I do think their presentation of it is pretty perfunctory -- she's something like 22 and wants nothing more than to settle down with a husband and new baby, but look! She rides a motorcycle into her wedding and wears black!), even if I do not share her particular version of unconventional aesthetic.

Otherwise, what a bummer of a little wedding. I always feel so sad for these soap characters who only have about five wedding guests and have to get married in the backyard. And they did the toasts in the middle of the ceremony -- so is there no reception? Lame! The reception is the good part! (Then again if you only have five guests, I guess a reception would be a little embarrassing. That would be such a sad electric slide.)

What More Could We Have Done?

Oh, Bill. Silly, silly Bill Spencer.

Yesterday's The Bold & the Beautiful gave us a few delicious tidbits of hilarity, starting with Bill and Brooke's utter inability to make even small talk without standing at most three inches away from one another.

And then of course the two of them had one of the more hysterically delusional conversations I've ever heard in which they talked themselves into thinking that Katie, in fact, wants the two of them to be together. And it's not their fault and they had no choice and they tried literally everything to make Katie feel better and stop her from ending the marriage! Everything!

Brooke: We made love. And it just seemed so right. Katie didn't want you, but I did. I hadn't loved somebody like that in a long time. But did she mean it? Did she really mean she wanted us to be together, or did she just say that out of anger?

Bill: We tried to convince her.

Brooke: And she just kept insisting.

Bill: What more could we have done? I'm not going to apologize for what happened. We wouldn't even be having this conversation if Katie weren't sick.

That's right, Bill. What more could you have done? I mean you tried lying, you tried yelling ignorant things at your wife a lot, and you tried telling her sister you'd married the wrong sibling. Maddeningly, none of that managed to hold your marriage together! What choice did you have but to give her sister a stallion ride? NONE AT ALL. You only did what any man would do!

Our Commenters Are The Fanciest, B&B Edition

Do not ever accuse us of not paying attention and not giving credit where credit is due!

I take this moment to commend Serial Drama reader Anne, who rather perfectly called it last week after we were all complaining about Brooke's utter lack of guilt or remorse over schtupping her sister's husband: "If history is any guide, Brooke will feel terrible soon enough. One tear will even trickle down her cheek."

Well, Anne, sure enough!

The single tear was in full effect yesterday.

Sure, it was more about Katie's current state of non-consciousness, but she did seem to feel the tiniest bit of guilt about having been riding her sister's stallion at the very moment her sister was having heart failure.

Also, how hilarious were Bill's reactions to Taylor every time she skulked into a conversation? That was golden.

That's all I got, but I couldn't let it go unsaid.

The Bold & the Beautiful: End-of-the-Week In Review

I'm so sorry that I've been slacking on B&B coverage -- you may have noticed that things are a little exciting over in GH-land, what with the 50th anniversary and the Nurses Ball and the crazy 50-hour marathon two weekends in a row. So much to cover!

But no matter! I'm all caught up on B&B and maybe I'm just feeling soap-generous at the moment but this show is a blast right now.

First of all, they rewrote and re-invented Caroline's character completely. Would it have been better for a slow build to make the change a little more understandable and a little less overnight? Yes. But the character needed a makeover ASAP and I, for one, love the recharge she's gotten. Caroline was the blandest, nicest, most-go-nowhere character the show had (though not the only one, that's for sure) and in order to keep the character and let her drive story, they had to actually give her a personality. And boy did they! She is a snobby, scheming bitch-from-hell now. The show desperately needed a nasty low-down schemer since Amber left and Steffy's going maternal. Now they've got one, but with the extra-fun spin of the elitist uppity-ness on top of it all. She. Cracks. Me. Up. And another thing: Linsey Godfrey is on fire. This? She can do. Beautifully. She is seriously nailing it and I'm loving it. One of my favorite moments was in Thursday's episode when she took a photo of her freakin' salad and posted it online and then bragged about how many "likes" she got. For her salad. I literally laughed out loud and I don't remember when I last did that for this show. (Or rather, when this show meant for me to laugh out loud and I did so.) Plus, I was grateful that her nastiness is finally sending Dayzee over the edge, as she had some fantastic reaction shots in that scene.

And her first official scheme? IS A MASTERPIECE OF HILARITY. She's paying an adult filmmaker to somehow trick Maya into starring in porn!

Because apparently Maya is so dumb that she won't realize what's happening when she's having actual sex on screen and some dude is jerking off onto her actual boobs that, hey, this is not the next Schindler's List! (Girlfriend spent years in prison and before that lived on the street. I certainly hope they'll toughen her up and not actually have her be too shy or something to fight back on this. Because that would be absurd. But in the meantime, hysterical.)

Oh and Caroline even did her best porn star imitation while talking to the director.

Like I said, cracking me up. Her best work on this show by a country mile.

Meanwhile, Rick is literally going on dates with Maya in front of his girlfriend and it's totally okay and not weird because this is B&B and Liam made out with two women for two years but apparently never betrayed either of them and is the greatest catch alive.

Rick explains away his girlfriend's beastliness by repeatedly explaining that she's from New York. Yes, New Yorkers are well-known for being terrified of a little dirt and being insanely snooty and never remembering anyone's name. (Thankfully Maya defended our people, dammit!)

Why, Caroline, Why?

Caroline Spencer, why must you ruin the lovely clip-clop-clip-clop of Central Park horse carriages for me for the rest of my life?

Because seriously, this happened yesterday.

Caroline: So, then you should grab a bottle of champagne and take a carriage ride through Central Park. That's what I used to do on nights like this.

Rick: This is not New York, Caroline.

Caroline: No. But I'm New York. And you can ride in my carriage all night.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My ears, my ears!

I don't know why I should be surprised, as this is the same show that came up with, "I'm a 1200cc twin-pipe crotch-rocket ready to burn rubber on that heart o' yours. How can you say no to that?"

The Bold & the Beautiful: Half(ish) Week In Review

So I finally got around to binge-viewing the last four episodes of The Bold & the Beautiful all in one sitting, and I'm kind of excited. Sure, I'm still fast-forwarding through anything Hope/Liam/Steffy-related, but really that only meant skipping yesterday's scenes between Liam and Hope (though I did catch a few blips here and there before and after my finger hit the button -- I heard Hope say "We were robbed!" for the 872nd time, so at least I know no one has any new insight, and I'm pretty sure she told Liam about how she asked Steffy to quit her job because Hope has the sads and Liam didn't tell her she was an asshole for it because he, too, is an asshole so it doesn't even matter). But otherwise? I have not had this much fun watching B&B in a long, long time.

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I think B&B is done for the week due to something basketball-related? Seems like as good a time as any to reflect.

First of all: physician, heal thyself! Okay, not really. Because the more ridiculous Taylor's behavior, the happier I am. The more frequently she uses the word "inappropriate" and infuses it with the ugliest kind of judgment and condescension there is, the more amused I get.

Not that she's wrong. Brooke is totally hot for Bill, and he's even admitted that he's super-into her and is struggling with it. And she is milking that for all it's worth, because Brooke is going to be Brooke. And of course Katie walked in on the two of them horizontal in a bed alone with champagne.

D'oh!

How hilarious was it that Brooke's response to Katie's accusations wasn't "I am not interested in your husband and you can trust me," but instead was "now seems like a good time to lecture you about how hot and awesome your husband is and how you need to start treating him like it."