Serial Drama

New Feature Alert: Vintage Suds

We are so terribly bored by our soaps these days, and find blogging about them so taxing, that we decided to go back in time to try to recapture our enthusiasm for the genre.  We therefore announce the launch of a new feature, Vintage Suds, in which we recap episodes from our shows when our love/hate relationship was more on "love" and less on "hate."  Not surprisingly, we had to go a looong way back.  Well, also the tapes that Becca found in her basement during a fit of OCD-like cleaning are NBC shows from the late 80s and early 90s, so that was a time-determining factor as well. 

Maybe you have more recent -- or even more dated, for that matter -- episodes you'd like one of us to recap?  Head on over to our Serial Drama Dish forums and post a link to the ep online, or email us if you'd like to arrange to send us a tape. 

We're so excited about this new venture that we've sprayed our bangs high, padded our shoulders wide, and applied our makeup with a trowel.  We're nothing if not committed.  Well, we're not really committed to our shows these days, but we're committed to being enthusiastic about detailing the many ways in which our shows used to be much, much better than they are now. 

This Is the Best They Can Do?

Since assuming the job of headwriter of The Young and the Restless and eventually becoming co-head writer with Hogan Sheffer, Maria Arena Bell has given a number of interviews touting the awesomeness that is to come on Y&R. I'm a pretty patient person by nature, but I'm starting to get a little antsy and want to know when, exactly, the awesomeness is going to come. Soon? Next year? When there is yet another new headwriter? I need to know what I am up against, here.

Because I certainly hope she doesn't mean that what we are seeing onscreen NOW is what she "swear[s] will blow [our] socks off". I mean...something's blowing, that's for sure. But what the hell kind of flimsy socks does she think we wear if we are supposed to be impressed with some of these storylines?

Nick: Never a dull day at Restless Style

That is a blatant lie, Mr. Newman.

Everything related to Restless Style continues to either bore, defy reason, boringly defy reason or defy reason boringly. It's especially distressing, since Jack, Sharon and Phyllis are three of my favorite soap characters (and Nick's not so bad), and all of their screentime is consumed by this story which...is kind of terrible.

FOR EXAMPLE, and I know getting irritated about this is kind of petty since there are much bigger issues with this show, but Phyllis and Nick specifically mentioned Audrey Hepburn and Lauren Bacall as the inspiration for Victoria's cover shoot. Now, let's not even dwell on the fact that a random Wisconsin heiress/businesswoman is going to be the cover model for a magazine. I'm not even going to go there. I want to know how on earth Audrey Hepburn and Lauren Bacall get translated into this:

Question mark, question mark, question mark???

In the words of GOB Bluth, COME ON! No one on the staff of this show could point out that this is an homage to the 20s? Are there no fact checkers in this business? I don't even mean that it has to be their actual job title, couldn't some random person, even just a guest visiting the set that day, have corrected that line?

ALSO, and this pains me to say since I love Jack (to put it mildly), but...he wants Restless Style to be uber successful and he decides to change Adrian's story about Sabrina to make it more salacious and sell more issues.

Jack: No, it's not just a Matter of working hard. It's about. . . it's about getting attention, about drawing a crowd, about somehow setting Restless Style apart from the rest of the pack. We need to make a splash.

Yeah, I don't think Jack and I are on the same page about what a splash is.

I don't doubt that Adrian's story was boring, because, well, it's Adrian and boring is what he does. But let's be real here: you're waiting in line at the grocery store, flipping through a magazine (probably after picking it up and idly wondering "Who's the girl on the cover? Did she win a contest?") and you come across a story about the newlywed wife of a business mogul who slept with an artist while she was a curator. Do you say "Wow, this is some fascinating stuff, I simply must know more" and buy it, or do you get bored halfway through the first paragraph and read the latest story in People about, like, dogs saving children who are stuck in wells? THIS is Jack's plan for a successful magazine?

Stupid.

Our Column in the 7/22 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Our latest My Take/My Take, Too column appears in the July 22nd issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today. Our editors asked us to give our thoughts on the Daytime Emmy Awards and, remarkably, we were able to do so without swearing. We wonder what some Emmy voters were thinking, question the production values of the pre-show and ceremony and weep again over the fact that General Hospital was named Outstanding Daytime Drama.

The Young and the Restless Week in Review

A few things happened in Genoa City this recently: Victor and his pregnant child bride made their union legal. Lily turned 21. Michael learned the truth about his father. Sounds pretty good, huh?

I'll ask you guys: what did you think of The Young and the Restless this week?

Nikki: I found it utterly painful. It just...it hurts to watch it. Can boredom actually kill you? Because I feel my brain swelling just thinking about it. David Chow, for God's sake. I'm better than this. America is better than this.

Neil: I thought it was sort of boring-
Victor: Youdidnotthinkitwasboring,youthoughtitwasthoroughlyenjoyable
Neil: I thought it was thoroughly enjoyable

Lily: I, like, totally need a drink right now

Michael: I, like, totally need five more of these

Katherine: This show will be cancelled in a year!

Well, that's a little drastic, but I kind of see her point...

If you just read a short recap of the week's events, you'd probably bet that the week was pretty entertaining over all. I hope for your sake that you wouldn't wager much, because, in true Y&R fashion, none of them were properly compelling. I don't know how you take a creepy and ill-advised wedding, a 21st birthday and the discovery of a secret that's been a couple of years in the making and make them boring, but I guess when there's a will, there's a way, and Maria Arena Bell has a will. I just wish the will weren't an all-encompassing desire to sap the world of entertainment.

Before I start, I'd like to give an overdue shoutout to Tammin Sursok. Yes, that Tammin Sursok. I know, right? Well, I like to give credit where credit is due, and she looked absolutely STUNNING at the Daytime Emmys last week. If I had seen her, I probably would have called her one of my favorite looks of the evening. Gorgeous! The color, the dress, the hair. Even the Fivehead is under control. Loved it.

But SOAPNet felt it more important for me to see Regis Philbin yammer on about something, and watch not one, but two segments about some imaginary Vanessa Hudgens ripoff. Those bastards will not stop until they take away everything I hold dear.

Further Evidence of How Bad the Emmy Pre-Show Was

We did not get to see this, an ensemble that would have provided endless fodder throughout the live blogging.  I could have thought of it when GH won for best drama series and smiled, instead of crying and throwing things.  I mean seriously, Judith Chapman has a fan AND a parasol!  While attired in black silk pajamas!  Fantastic.

Also, our readers kindly pointed out that while Jason Thompson may in fact have been hotly absent, James Scott was very much present; he was just ignored by all camerapeople during both the pre-show and the ceremony.  The only reasonable explanation is that including him would have made the other men feel bad about themselves; his exclusion was a self-esteem-building exercise.  Well done, ABC!

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza

Becca (8:00:35 PM): Oh no, they're opening with a sketch.  This is going nowhere good.
Mallory (8:00:46 PM): A sketch! Oh, Cameron Mathison! If only he didn't play daytime's most odious character
Mallory (8:01:21 PM): Did she just sniff Thorsten Kaye? Do you know how many people would pay for that honor?

Mallory (8:03:02 PM): This is easily the best AMC related thing to happen in months, by the way. Make of that what you will
Becca (8:03:17 PM): Is that a laugh track?  Live people aren't actually finding this amusing, right?
Mallory (8:03:52 PM): Maybe they took a cue from Bryan Dattilo and got a little sloshed
Becca (8:04:14 PM): He is a smart man.

Becca (8:04:39 PM): Hey, I just realized, why did we see like eight Days actors, yet no James Scott?
Becca (8:04:43 PM): That is unacceptable.
Mallory (8:04:48 PM): It's criminal!

Mallory (8:05:16 PM): The split second glimpse of Ellen and Portia was better than anything we saw on the entire pre-show
Becca (8:05:41 PM): I missed them!  Did Ellen dress like Col. Sanders again this year?  Because that was fun.

Becca (8:05:55 PM): Oh no, this year she's Zorro.
Mallory (8:06:44 PM): I am already sick of Ricky Paull Goldin and Beth Ehlers and she hasn't even started airing yet
Becca (8:07:13 PM): Why?  It's not like ABC has been pimping her out like she's a streetwalker tonight, or anything.

Becca (8:07:34 PM): My god, was that just a three-minute AMC commercial those three just "spontaneously" did?
Mallory (8:07:48 PM): I think it was. Brian Frons has no shame

Becca (8:08:07 PM): The Table Cam might be a worse idea than last year's viewer videos.  I didn't think that was possible.
Becca (8:08:19 PM): Laura Wright looks spectacular.
Mallory (8:08:22 PM): Laura Wright looks fab

Mallory (8:08:34 PM): But she and Sarah Brown don't look like they are supposed to be at the same event

Becca (8:08:41 PM): Sarah Brown's hair and makeup are great, but that dress is very goth prom.

Becca (8:09:00 PM): And Tony Geary does the shiny suit weird tie thing again.  Sigh.  I love him anyway.
Mallory (8:09:45 PM): I'm really glad that we didn't get to see him during the pre-show! Seeing Jordan Pruitt was way more important than being able to mock his shiny suit an hour ago
Becca (8:10:14 PM): Right.  That Frons guy sure is smart.
Becca (8:10:19 PM): Gina Tognoni wins!

Becca (8:10:32 PM): She seems awesome, so I'm happy for her.  Heather Tom does not look happy for her.

Mallory (8:10:51 PM): Heather Tom's bitchface was just a thing of beauty. Yay for Gina, though!
Becca (8:11:13 PM): Why did she have to thank God first?  I hate that.
Becca (8:11:43 PM): I think Heather Tom must be thanking God they panned away from her so fast.
Mallory (8:11:47 PM): It always makes me uncomfortable when they do that
Becca (8:12:50 PM): I want to hear one of the losers in the post-interview be like "I totally would have won, if only God hadn't been in such a pissy mood."
Mallory (8:13:30 PM): Right? "Whatever, this was rigged! I'm still being punished for stealing gum when I was six!"

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza: Red Carpet Arrivals

And...we're off!  We will update this post and the ceremony one throughout the night, with our live blogging chat and then with screencaps/photos.  Please keep checking back for updates; you never know what fashion triumph or tragedy will greet you.

Becca (6:02:30 PM): OMG IT'S STARTING!!!
Becca (6:02:32 PM): Ahem
Mallory (6:02:45 PM): EEEEEE!!!
Mallory (6:02:58 PM): SOAPNet really ought to pay for a better voiceover person. She could not sound more bored
Mallory (6:03:13 PM): I am appalled that Sam Champion is making an appearance.
Becca (6:03:25 PM): WTF?  No, Rebecca Budig, no.

Becca (6:03:35 PM): That dress looks like she's being disemboweled.
Mallory (6:03:53 PM): This is what I don't understand: you are rich. You are famous. You look like Rebecca Budig. And that's the dress you choose?
Becca (6:04:15 PM): Seriously, that pink...thing on the red satin looks like intestines.  Why, why, why?
Becca (6:04:29 PM): On the other hand, Finola Hughes looks fantastic.

Mallory (6:04:38 PM): She really does!
Becca (6:04:48 PM): On the other other hand, Ricky Paull Goldin looks like a waiter.
Mallory (6:04:56 PM): How can you be rising at the same time as being a superstar?

Becca (6:05:15 PM): And how can you be a superstar if I've never heard your name?  Wait, don't answer that, I know I'm unhip.
Becca (6:05:21 PM): You kids and your pop stars
Mallory (6:05:35 PM): Do not blame this on my generation! Some of us have taste
Becca (6:06:03 PM): Some of you who aren't famous?
Mallory (6:06:49 PM): I don't understand the purpose of what is happening right now. Why is she singing? Why are people pretending to care?

Mallory (6:07:17 PM): And why is SOAPNet doing a small split screen for the red carpet arrivals? Are they so inept that they are capable of ruining the concept of a red carpet show?
Becca (6:07:27 PM): Did you really have to ask that?
Becca (6:07:44 PM): Is this girl Brian Frons' niece or something?
Mallory (6:08:21 PM): I am not mentally ready to start thinking about Night Shift
Mallory (6:08:47 PM): And I keep getting distracted by Rebecca Budig's HORRIBLE hair and the...organ looking ornamentation on her dress. Please make it stop.
Becca (6:08:57 PM): Rebecca Budig's dress is a crime against all that is good and right in the world [James Scott].
Becca (6:09:17 PM): I know.  But now that I found out that Tristan Rogers and Antonio Sabato Jr. are going to be on it, I'm almost...optimistic.  I can't believe I just said that.
Mallory (6:09:57 PM): I love the Shoe Cam! It appeals to me at my shallowest

Becca (6:10:21 PM): Seriously.  I want one for when I go out with friends.  "Lisa is wearing a Fendi black patent slingback..."
Mallory (6:11:19 PM): I do not like Farah Fath's necklace at all

Becca (6:11:55 PM): Yeah, she looks great except for the giant crucifix that even 1989 Madonna would be all "oh no, that's OTT"

Mallory (6:12:23 PM): Her makeup looks good, though, and it's way subtle for her
Becca (6:12:56 PM): Well, pancake is way subtle for her, but yeah, she does look great

Mallory (6:13:59 PM): Adrienne Frantz is distractingly skinny. And the hair...sorry, I can't say anything negative about her just in case she's still dating Jason Segel and can introduce me to James Franco
Becca (6:14:23 PM): You like him?  You've kept that so quiet. 
Becca (6:14:28 PM): Except for the billboard, I mean.
Becca (6:14:34 PM): And the mocked-up wedding announcements.
Mallory (6:14:56 PM): I like to plan ahead so that our wedding is all taken care of, just in case it happens
Mallory (6:19:43 PM): I know Sherri Shepherd thinks the world is flat or whatever, but her role as Angie on 30 Rock has earned her a lifetime free pass from me. She's adorable

Becca (6:20:54 PM): Oh, we are going to brawl, Mal -- she bugs the crap out of me.
Becca (6:21:05 PM): Seriously, she thinks the world is flat!
Mallory (6:21:38 PM): But she's hilarious with Tracy and Kenneth the page!
Becca (6:21:59 PM): You know I adore 30 Rock, but no.  She bugs me!
Mallory (6:22:10 PM): Whatev!
Mallory (6:22:20 PM): Finola talks like three miles a minute and I find it endlessly endearing
Becca (6:22:34 PM): She has the inflections of a 15-year-old.  It's hilarious.
Becca (6:23:07 PM): Heather Tom's makeup is fabulous, and her hair is a huge improvement over last year's terrible ponytail, but I'm not sold on the dress.  And I really liked Jack on Project Runway!

Mallory (6:23:12 PM): Could SOAPNet BE more inept? This is pathetic. The local access channel runs smoother
Becca (6:23:39 PM): The only clip they've had ready to roll was that horrible "behind the scenes" piece with Cameron and Sherri.  And I've seen more interesting driver ed films.

Mallory (6:23:55 PM): Her hair and makeup look gorgeous. I don't like the bodice of the dress, but I love the color

Becca (6:24:22 PM): The color is beautiful.  I have a feeling it will look better in still shots, too.
Becca (6:24:37 PM): It's not a disaster or anything.  I just expected to be wowed.  Wow me, people! 

Don't Forget: Live-Blogging the Emmys Tonight

We know you all must be as excited about the totally relevant and truly merit-based Daytime Emmy awards as we are, but in your giddiness please don't forget to click on over to Serial Drama this evening for our Second Annual Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza!  We'll start red carpet coverage with the SOAPNet pre-show at 6pm EST, then cover the ceremony starting at 8pm EST.  Screencaps will go up throughout the night.  Bring on the fashion disasters and unjustified winners!

(Last year's red carpet and ceremony live blogging, for those who missed it or who need an Emmy fix before tonight.)

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In our most recent Soap Opera Digest column, we were all about the Daytime Emmys. After the jump, our thoughts about the nominations, our outrage over several snubs, our fervent hope that two certain shows don't walk away with the title of Outstanding Daytime Drama and a plan to make Kirsten Storms a faux Emmy to call her own.

Not Safe For Life

WARNING: This post will contain references to Victor Newman's sperm and, as such, may not be suitable for all readers, including the young, the restless, the old, and the content. Reader discretion is advised.

I had just gotten to the point in my life where the thought of Victor and Sabrina marrying each other didn't overwhelm me with complete nausea. I still got queasy at the sight of them together, but I could form actual sentences about it, rather than trying to type out the written equivalent of dry heaving.

See, I was able to say to myself, "They aren't a conventional couple, and hurting Victoria with their relationship is both shady and selfish. If I were the type to do mash up words, I could call that shellfish. And if I were the type of person who liked puns, I'd laugh at that" and went off into my own little tangent filled world with nary a shudder. That's progress!

And then Sabrina got pregnant with Victor's child and I just...am not handling it well.

That sentence, "Sabrina is pregnant with Victor's child", is only six words long and yet those six words are filled with a ceaseless amount of wrong.

Darling Nikki

Okay, which is sadder? The fact that Nikki decided to Google Internet Search the history of David Chow, or the fact that this Googling Internet Searching was undoubtedly the most entertaining thing to happen on the show all week?

I know, Nikki, it's a tough question. I don't know, either.

Please note that I see nothing wrong with Nikki doing an internet search to find details on her increasingly shady husband. I think it's common sense to see if there's any obvious dirt floating around the internet about your paramour. My issue with Nikki is that she waited until AFTER she married this man who, occasionally, looks like a one man sleaze factory* WITHOUT a prenup. Hello! This is the type of thing you do on the first date!

But seriously, I'm trying to figure out if this

is actually hilarious, or if it's just awesome in comparison to the rest of the show. It may be a sign of the sad times we're in right now, but I keep giggling at "DAVID CHOW" + MURDER.

Ugh, the rest of the show, though? Why is it that Y&R is in an endless cycle of Boring-->Boring-->FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY MAKE IT STOP-->Boring-->Boring? I just don't care about anything on this show right now. The never ending Gloria story with hilarious, sitcommy hijinx? Don't care. Victoria hating Victor and Sabrina? Join the club, kid. Katy Perry dropping by? She seemed nearly as bored as I was watching her. Chloe trying to get with Cane? There's not enough yawn in the world. For heaven's sake, the Restless Style storyline has made me so bored that I don't pay attention when Jack is on screen. JACK! These are dire straits, my friends.

*I never found Vincent Irizarry so sleazy when he played David Hayward, but here he's about as smarmy as he was in the classic TV movie Lying Eyes. It's impressive that he's able to sleaze and de-sleaze at will.

Our Column in the 6/17 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Be sure to pick up a copy of the June 17th issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today. In this month's My Take/My Take, Too, Becca and Mallory take on the Daytime Emmy award nominations and share their thoughts on the biggest snubs, the most outrageous nods and their fervent hope for red carpet awesomeness. This marks the offical start of our second annual Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza, so make sure to stop by over the coming days for Emmy posts, polls and predictions leading up to the show on Friday, June 20th.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

...

I...

...

...just.

...ew.

I was trying to think of a way to best describe my continued horror at the Victor/Sabrina coupling because, "ew....ewewewewEW", while apt, isn't the most eloquent way to express my revulsion and I don't exactly know how to convey dry heaving through typing.

The best I can do is admit, without hesitation, that I'd rather watch an endless loop of John and Marlena makeout scenes whilst eating Dale Talde's butterscotch scallops than have to sit through the awkward grossness of Victor and Sabrina being lovey dovey. That may seem like a disproportionate response, but it's the truth!

It's bad enough that they paired a senior citizen with a possible transvestite young enough to be his daughter, but...who on earth is writing this dialogue? It reminds me of what a sixth grader would write in her Harry Potter fanfic, except it's more cloying and unlike anything human beings would ever say.

Victor: Yeah? You know that every time I drive home, I think of your beautiful face. I think of how lucky I am to have found you, and that you make me feel more alive than I have in a long time.

Sabrina: Your Marinara Sauce was the best sauce in the world.

Victor: Are you serious?

Sabrina: Mm-hmm.

Victor: Was there too much basil or oregano? Whatever the hell you call it.

Sabrina: There was too much of both, but no, I'm joking. I loved it. It was perfect.  [What the hell? Victor is so omnipotent that not even his FICTIONAL MARINARA SAUCE is anything but perfect?--Ed.]

Victor: I'm sure there was too much of both. You know what I love the most?

Sabrina: What?

Victor: That you and I can have fun together.

Sabrina: Yes.

Victor: It's so easy to have fun with you.

Victor: Mm. So glad you're back.

Sabrina: Oh, me, too. Mm. [Note: they have this exact conversation whenever they enter the same room or realize that they haven't said hello and made out in six minutes--Ed.]

Victor: But you tried to mend fences... and that's a wonderful thing.

Sabrina: Mm.

Victor: You know who taught me that? You. [Bullfuckingshit. He's like 90 and a professional dick. I'm sure he's learned about fence mending, or at least pretending to mend fences, at some point in time before this--Ed.]

And the constant kissing! What IS this? It's so over the top that, on an actual soap with good writing and sense of storytelling, it would mean that they are both overcompensating and trying to convince themselves that this relationship is totally worth hurting their friends and family. But Y&R hasn't seen good writing and a sense of storytelling for a few years now, so that's obviously not the case.

The only way this story would even be partially redeemed would be if it turned out that Sabrina was completely playing Victor but since I've seen this show before, I know that story will never happen, because nothing happens on Y&R unless it involves giving Victor a tongue bath. I'm pretty sure Eric Braeden would storm off set if it turned out that Victor liked Sabrina more than she cared for him, so a story about Victor full on getting snowed isn't going to happen.

Who Spiked the Water Supply With Bitchiness?

The Young and the Restless has been so relentlessly boring lately that I've actually contemplated self-injury, just to liven things up a little bit. I have never seriously thought about stabbing myself, not when I spent six weeks (SIX WEEKS!) with Frida's "I Know There's Something Going On" stuck in my head on endless repeat, or when I was stuck in line at Banana Republic behind a woman on the phone with a friend who repeatedly called John McCain "John McVan" which...how is that mispronunciation even possible, unless you are a blind, deaf Amish hermit? But Y&R has been so terribly dull that it nearly drove me to harm myself.

I just...to put it politely, I don't understand the choices the powers-that-be have been making lately. I know that the show has had a strong business focus for years, but it's never been this...dry, and it's usually been balanced by soapiness.  But the past few weeks have been nonstop talks of boardrooms and mergers and lawsuits and if I wanted to watch a show about the inner workings of a corporation, I'd watch a documentary on CNBC, which would probably be less dull anyway.

Today's episode, though, was actually sort of entertaining because it seems like everybody in Genoa City came down with a massive attack of nastiness. It was kind of exciting because, as you may know, I enjoy nothing more than snotty comments and sneers.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In our most recent Soap Opera Digest column, we turned our ever-critical eyes to All My Children, Days of Our Lives and The Young and the Restless. After the jump, Mallory asks why long-lost twins and ghosts have become so trendy and practically begs the powers-that-be at AMC to bring Dixie back, while Becca learns the hard lesson that, when it comes to Days, first impressions aren't always right.

This Could Go Either Way...

I've been burned a number of times in the past by announcements regarding new soap head writers. Remember my childlike excitement when Megan McTavish got the axe? "Oh, how wonderful!" I said joyously. "Now the show will get good again! Hurray and hurrah!" And then it turned out that McTavish was replaced by dream pyromaniacs who ruined everything they touched? That was quite a letdown.

So I've learned to be a little wary when I see headlines like today's "Head Writing Changes at AMC". The optimistic part of me immediately got all verklempt and was like, "Thank you for bringing my show back! Ex oh ex oh!" and then the rest of me was like, "It's totally James E. Reilly, isn't it?"

It's not, but Charles Pratt is...not so many steps above him. Remember when he wrote with Guza on GH? And was the weak link in that hellish partnership? And we were all sort of confused about how that is even possible? 

...yeah. So there's that. I mean, it's ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that I am worrying for nothing and that maybe he's learned a bit about nuance and character balance and realism and will be good. But, come on, Brian Frons was part of the hiring process here, so how likely is it that it won't suck? And seriously, shouldn't we be seeing the news one of these days that Julie Hannan Carruthers is out as AMC executive producer and Brian Frons is out at ABC Daytime and run out of Hollywood tarred and feathered? And also, how has Bob Guza managed to avoid getting a pink slip amidst all of these writing regime changes? So many questions!

Also, Hogan Sheffer is joining Maria Arena Bell as co-headwriter on Y&R. This could be really good or a total trainwreck.

That Sound You Hear Is the Barrel's Bottom Being Scraped

In three short days, The Young and the Restless has given us:

• The marriage of the show's most chemistry free couple
• The engagement of the show's most repulsive couple
• A Hilton
• Wacky airline shenanigans
• The line "Do you think that my job at the gallery is damaging our psychic connection?"
• Tammin Sursok trying to convey heartbreak

Separately, any of the above would cause me to raise one eyebrow and sneer, but to foist upon the audience ALL OF THOSE THINGS in the span of three hours of show, that's...a cry for help.

Remember how Nikki spent eons doing nothing but repeating everything Victor said and occasionally scoffing at Sharon? And we were all like, "Why are you guys wasting the awesomeness of Melody Thomas Scott? Give her something to do!" and the show, like, made her want to be a state senator, and we were all like, "Um, technically I guess you're listening to my feedback..."?

It's kind of like that all over again. Like, yes, I want to see Nikki in a frontburner story because I think Melody Thomas Scott rules at life, but I don't want to see her in a shitty frontburner story because she deserves better than that. And anything involving David Chow is shitty. Which is sad, you know, because David Irizarry was so charming on AMC (and, the story goes, on Guiding Light) but they decided that, rather than exert effort in creating a character that makes sense, they should just cobble together some sort of crap hodgepodge veering from crazy gaslighting adulterer to brilliant political strategerist to former/current gambling addict in hopes that something will stick and that someone, anyone would give a crap about him.

It has not worked thus far.

(I will, though, admit to being excited for the inevitable scene when Nikki discovers that David Chow's "heirloom" ring was actually purchased at, like, Claire's.)

But seriously, this jaunt to Mexico for a quickie marriage, complete with oh-so hilarious hijinks regarding the middle seat on a long plane ride (cranky lady! Snoring! Cat! ELL OH ELL) seems like something out of a Brittany Murphy movie.

Our Column in the 5/13 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Our latest My Take/My Take, Too marks our one year anniversary of writing for Soap Opera Digest, and we could not be more thrilled about it.  To be complete cheeseballs for a moment: we are extremely grateful to Stephanie Sloane and Lynn Leahey for giving us this column and allowing us to nitpick to our hearts' content.

The column is in the May 13th issue of Soap Opera Digest, which is on newsstands now and in it, Mallory wonders why All My Children and The Young and the Restless decided that long-lost twins and ghosts were the way to go: whatever happened to just bringing people back from the dead?  Becca admits that she may have been too quick to judge the potential awesomeness of Dr. Jonas and the potential trainwreckishness of a non-dead John Black.

Catch Our Broadcast Debut Tonight! ...Or Whenever

Tonight's the night!  We are all set to make our broadcast debut at 10 PM tonight on In The Zone Radio.

We're incredibly excited to join the gracious hosts for what will surely be a fun evening of soap dishing.  We're going to try really hard not to pepper too many sentences with "dude"s (Becca) and "like"s (Mallory).

We hope that you can tune in tonight!  If you want to call in, please do!  (Remember, it's your job not to make us seem like reader-less losers!)  The number is (347) 996-5978.  Or you can IM via AIM  at InTheZoneRadio, or email questions to inthezone@sonuni.com.

If you can't listen tonight, fear not:  The interview will be available as a podcast, so you won't need to miss one hypercritical moment.

Updated 5/7: Well, we debuted.  The host and at least a couple of listeners thought we were unfunny in person as opposed to in writing, and said so, which wasn't the highlight of our lives but it mostly got better from there.  And seriously, it's not like we haven't put a lot of criticism out into the atmosphere; it was bound to boomerang on us.  Doing the show was really a fun experience and we truly appreciate the opportunity.  Thanks very much to In the Zone Radio for having us on!

If you want to check out the podcast, it's available here in the upper right corner.  (Mallory starts at the 8:42 mark, Becca joins at 13:15, and we get called unfunny at around 52:30 and several times thereafter.  There's about a 75-minute live show and then we stayed on after that for an off-air chat.)  Since clearly we are in the process of expanding our multi-media empire, next on the list is an all-shirtless touring production of Xanadu starring James Scott, Jason Thompson, Peter Bergman, and Greg Vaughn.   We'll keep you posted.

And Emmy Season Officially Begins!

There are few things in life that Becca and I enjoy more than the Daytime Emmys, as readers may remember from our 2007 Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza. It's a win-win situation for us, you know? If our favorites are nominated, we get to feel the exciting validation of "Yes! A strange body of voters who are prone to terrible mistakes agree that our favorite person to be named in the prehistoric prenom process should have a one in five chance of being called the year's best! Wooo!" and if they get snubbed, we can get our moral outrage on, all "How dare they not recognize the brilliance of [Insert Snubbed Actor Here]?! As God is my witness, I will never care about shoddily produced awards shows again!"

So between the potential for celebration AND criticism, we're on cloud nine and then if you throw in glorious or fugly fashion AND supermodels being upstaged by Muppets, it's pretty clear that this is the most wonderful time of the year.

Um...to sum these nominations up, I only have this to say: ...???...?!?!...???...

(and also: SUCK IT, BRIAN FRONS!)

(But mostly ...???...?!?!...???...)

Outstanding Younger Actor

Van Hansis (Luke, As the World Turns)
Jesse Lee Soffer (ex-Will, As The World Turns)
Darin Brooks (Max, Days of Our Lives)
Tom Pelphrey (ex-Jonathan, Guiding Light)
Bryton McClure (Devon, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Younger Actress

Jennifer Landon (ex-Gwen, As The World Turns)
Rachel Melvin (Chelsea, Days of Our Lives)
Vail Bloom (Heather, The Young and the Restless)
Emily O'Brien (Jana, The Young and the Restless)
Tammin Sursok (Colleen, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Supporting Actor

Trent Dawson (Henry, As the World Turns)
Daniel Cosgrove (Bill, Guiding Light)
Brian Kerwin (Charlie, One Life to Live)
Kristoff St. John (Neil, The Young and the Restless)
Greg Rikaart (Kevin, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Supporting Actress

Kelley Hensley (Emily, As The World Turns)
Heather Tom (Katie, The Bold and the Beautiful)
Judi Evens (ex-Adrienne, Days of Our Lives)
Gina Tognoni (Dinah, Guiding Light)
Tracey Bregman (Lauren, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Lead Actor

David Canary (Adam/Stuart, All My Children)
Thaao Penghlis (Tony/ex-Andre, Days of Our Lives)
Anthony Geary (Luke, General Hospital)
Peter Bergman (Jack, The Young and the Restless)
Christian Leblanc  (Michael, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Lead Actress

Maura West (Carly, As The World Turns)
Crystal Chappell (Olivia, Guiding Light)
Nicole Forester (Cassie, Guiding Light)
Michelle Stafford (Phyllis, The Young and the Restless)
Jeanne Cooper (Katherine, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Daytime Drama

General Hospital
Guiding Light
One Life to Live
The Young and the Restless

Thoughts about the nominees, after the jump! And remember--we don't watch some of the soaps nominated, so I'll only comment on the ones I know. Please feel free to share your thoughts about the nominations for As the World Turns, The Bold and the Beautiful, Guiding Light, One Life to Live and Passions in the comments.

Forgetting Amber Moore

Since this is from the New York Post, I am going to take it with a grain of salt, but several things crossed my mind after reading this gossip item:

JASON Segel may have bared some flab in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but that's not stopping him from pulling the ladies. Segel was hanging out at Bar Marmont in LA last week with "The Young and the Restless" starlet Adrienne Frantz, and they proceeded to make out to the amusement of onlookers. "It didn't look like he'd be forgetting her anytime soon," laughed one spy.

• Forgetting Sarah Marshall was so good, you guys. Jason Segel was awesome, Kristen Bell was charming, Mila Kunis is uber pretty, Russell Brand was hilarious and Paul Rudd played a stoner named Kunu. What could be better than that?
• Why does everything ever written about Forgetting Sarah Marshall have to mention either Jason Segel's full frontal nudity or the fact that he doesn't have washboard abs?
• I really hope that the success of this movie means that people will be interested in Jason Segel and start watching How I Met Your Mother. It saddens me greatly that this show is always on the verge of cancellation but According to Effing Jim gets eight seasons to pollute the airwaves.
• Seriously, According to Jim is the worst thing Courtney Thorne-Smith has ever been a part of and the woman spent years of her life in an onscreen relationship with Billy Shue, who emotes with all the passion of a piece of chalk. Think about the gravity of that sentence.
• Remember when Adrienne Frantz dated the guy from the Goo Goo Dolls?
• Why does the guy from the Goo Goo Dolls have the same haircut as Meg Ryan?
• Between her invitation to the Oscars and the gorge gown that came with it, and making out with a member of the Apatow gang, I am officially jealous of Adrienne Frantz.
• If I made a pledge to stop hating on Amber every time I mention Y&R, do you think Adrienne Frantz would use her Apatow connections to introduce me to James Franco? I have zero integrity when it comes to James Franco, so I would totally make ten posts a week all "DID YOU SEE HOW AWESOME AMBER WAS TODAY? <<<3333Amber<<<333" if she wanted me to.

The Yawn and the Restless

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I was going over my to-do list in my head ("What did I wear the past couple of Wednesdays? I don't want to repeat a Wednesday outfit tomorrow" "I need to immediately download Monday's How I Met Your Mother and watch it as many times as possible and maybe even write James Van der Beek a fan letter because WHO KNEW he had it in him?" "What kind of coffee should I get in the morning? Vanilla? Caramel? Mocha?") and I reminded myself that I have to write a Y&R post because I haven't done one in...forever. I've just had such a difficult time writing about it lately. I have been attempting to, but all of my posts boil down to "Why would Cane like Lily? Gloria is uber effing annoying. Peter Bergman is dreamy ex oh ex oh" and those things, while true, aren't exactly groundbreaking pieces of news and if I am going to rail against soap writers for ripping themselves off, I should probably be original myself.

Perhaps it was because Y&R was the last thing on my mind before I fell asleep, but...I totally had a dream about Don Diamont. It was weird. We were seated next to each other at some sort of luncheon and he totally knew how much I talk badly about him and I knew he knew I talk badly about him and I completely felt bad about it and we both thought it was awkward. And then when I woke up, I still felt a little bit bad, because I did focus a lot of my LML era ire on him and also, he has to live with the fact that he sported a mullet for so long. I hope that we can move past that and have a nice working relationship.

So that happened. Which is more than has happened on this show in ages...

It's kind of fitting that Victoria can easily be nicknamed "Vic-bore-ia" or "Vic-snore-ia", isn't it?* Because if there was ever an opportunity for her to get her bitch on, it would be the time where her alleged best friend confesses to having an affair with her father. And yet...she was just kind of...there. A bit shrieky, but mostly just...there. Not to mention hypocritical, since she, you know, married her mother's ex-fiance, but whatever. I was underwhelmed.

I mean, granted, if I found out that my father was romancing one of my friends, I'd be too busy projectile vomiting to lay any sort of smackdown, let alone focus on making it powerful, but I expect more from the Victoria Newmans of the world, especially when one considers how absolutely repulsive the pairing of Sabrina and Victor is. I'm not against the older man/younger woman thing (see above re: Peter Bergman), but this is wrong on almost every level.

Sabrina is a poorly written, poorly acted random character who seems kind of like a drag queen in most of her scenes and way too young for Victor. Like...way. I think Eileen Davidson's Ashley is too young for Victor. Eric Braeden is not an unattractive man, but it just seem ridiculous after a while that he's the lust object of Genoa City. The conspiracy theorist in me likes to think that Eric Braeden pitched a bitch and requested a hot young girlfriend (I meant to comment ages ago on the interview he did where he complained about being sidelined. Double you tee eff? When has Victor EVER been sidelined? He's been the focal point of the show for decades and he always comes out on top). Maybe he's not a diva, but I can't help but think that he is at least a little bit of a jerk. Although he was funny the time he guest starred on The Nanny, not that I watched The Nanny, and he was also in Titanic, so maybe he's not all bad. Where was I?

*I am reasonably sure that I'd have never realized that if Heather Tom were still playing Victoria, and I have to say, I try really hard not to be one of those bitter, people who can't accept recasts after years and years, but...seriously, Amelia Heinle is beyond bland and has completely defanged the formerly formidable Victoria and it makes me sad

The Young and the Gloria

The more interviews I read with Judith Chapman, the more I like her. She seems seriously funny, down to earth and normal. I would like to go out for drinks with her and hear zany stories about the wacky situations she finds herself in. That would be fun.

It almost makes me feel guilty for how much I hate the character of Gloria. Almost. And as a wise singer once said, almost doesn't count. I find her to be profoundly annoying, and there's something about the strident, never losing way that she's written that inspires Judith Chapman to bust out with every acting tic she has. I'm sure she's an interesting character to play, but it's like...use the bug eyes or use the shrieking, don't use the bug eyes AND the shrieking.

So it's not necessarily good for my blood pressure that Gloria has become the star of the show. If she's not on screen, she's being talked about endlessly. There is nobody that needs to be on screen as often as Gloria is. Not Peter Bergman, not Melody Thomas Scott, not even, like, Leonardo DiCaprio if he ever for some reason joined the cast of Y&R. Like, Hostess SnoBalls are the best thing to ever be invented and their delicious combination of cake, marshmallow, coconut and, let's face, lard, never fails to put a smile on my face. But does that mean I want to spend eight hours a day eating Hostess SnoBalls? No, it does not.

(And I know, I know, that when Jack and Nikki are in frontburner storylines, I never complain because I like them and I know that makes me a hypocrite, but...I'll let my hypocrite flag fly, okay?)

I did a little bit of research on this to make sure I'm not being a delusional hater:

On Monday March 31st, there were 31 scenes in the show total. In 16 of those scenes, Gloria was either on screen, or the topic of conversation. On Tuesday April 1st, there were 23 scenes total, and 14 of those were Gloria-centric. Wednesday the 2nd had 24 total scenes and 16 of them were about Gloria. Thursday the 3rd gave us 29 scenes, and 15 were about Gloria. Friday the 4th had 27 total scenes, and 10 of them were Gloria centered. Today paled in comparison, with only 5 Gloriaish scenes out of 26.

This comes out to 47.5% of the past week's worth of shows being about Gloria. In my hate addled mind, I assumed it would be a higher percentage, but that's still pretty obnoxious, no? Am I alone in my hate?

Happy Birthday, Y&R!

Anniversaries and birthdays are exciting in and of themselves, and are even more exciting when they are milestones (notable exception: my upcoming 25th birthday, which is already giving me agita). So the fact that The Young and the Restless is celebrating 35 years on the air today is ultra exciting indeed, especially since it was absolutely stellar for, like, ninety percent of those 35 years.

And yet...I keep thinking of the Christmas episode of The Office when Michael was all, "Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame".

Part of that is the fact that this is the photo SOAPNet uses to commemorate the big anniversary. I don't even know if lame's the right word.

I know that the non-ABC soaps are treated pretty shabbily by SOAPNet, but there's really no reason for that photo. It's just rude. Peter Bergman looks appropriately dreamy, but Michelle Stafford, who I think is stunningly gorgeous, is looking like what Christian Siriano would call a hot tranny mess. And Jeanne Cooper looks like she's illustrated. I don't get it.

The other part of it is the fact that the stories going on in this milestone week are kind of crappy: Another new character created because the writers ill-advisedly killed off the portrayer's better character is instantly attracted to Gloria? Lame! Katherine calling Amber for support instead of her daughter or her best friend? Lame! Victor and Sabrina just...existing? Lame!

And then there was the Restless Style launch party, which had all of the elegance and flair of the socials we had in sixth grade and those included leggings and awkwardly dancing in the gym. I just...was speechless through most of it.

Washed Up Stars A Go Go

I was given an impromptu spring break of sorts this week and was excited to spend Monday doing non-Monday things like sleeping in, watching all of my soaps in real time and not despising life. But, alas, nothing ever goes as planned and Y&R and AMC wound up pre-empted because of the swearing in of our new governor (of course, GH wound up airing right on schedule because it is simply the show that cannot be killed. They couldn't do the transfer of power at 3 PM, thereby saving thousands of viewers the horrible sight of Carly imagining heaven as a place where she plays pool with a hitman?!).

Until I saw the TV Guide description of today's episode of Y&R, I was a little peeved about the whole situation, but after seeing the sixty minutes of sheer boredom I was spared, I need to give it up for Governor Patterson's sense of timing:

Amber and Daniel burn the money; Kay almost collapses with Esther; Gloria thinks Jeff is behind John's book; Jack looks for an actor to portray John's ghost; Daniel looks for an investor for Amber's fashion.

Wow, what an action packed episode. The ONLY thing I'm sad to have missed is Esther's triumphant return to my television screen, and in her full uniform, nonetheless.

I was also relieved that I didn't miss one of !!!Balki!!!'s appearances. Back when the news broke that Bronson Pinchot would be appearing on Y&R, Becca sent me an email with the subject line !!!Balki!!! and I have taken to referring to him as such in everyday conversation. I like to express the !!! part of it with jazz hands for when I am speaking of him aloud. It happens more often than you may realize and if this bit spot on Y&R is the push he needs to get back into the public eye, I wouldn't be surprised to see the jazz hands used on all sorts of entertainment shows. Don't tell me you can't see Ryan Seacrest doing it.

It does seem to be a trend to have 80s and 90s primetime stars show up for cameos, or juicier roles, on soaps: Betty White, Patrick Duffy AND Alley Mills on B&B, Shirley Jones on Days, Joan Van Ark and now !!!Balki!!! on Y&R. I really hope this trend continues, because a lot of former stars are overdue for a comeback.

more at twiigs.com...

I went to find the real name of Mr. Belvedere, because I was going to put him on the list of sitcom stars who can do no wrong ever and who I would unironically welcome onto any of my soap operas (also on the list: Julia Louis-Dreyfuss; Jamie Luner; any of the other Golden Girls) and it turns out that he is DEAD. He died in 2001! How did I not know this? It's entirely possible that I did, at one point, know and repressed it, but it's kind of tragic because I am going through the grieving process all over. Equally tragic is the fact that his last acting credit was an episode of California Dreams.

Speaking of washed up stars: Michael Damian comes back as Danny tomorrow and gave an interview to Soap Opera Digest about how excited he is and he mentioned that he is directing a new movie called Moondance Alexander, which...well, I'll let him explain:

It's a family film about a young girl who takes in a horse and learns how to ride with the help of a mysterious trainer. It then follows the journeys they take together. It stars [Disney channel girl], [someone disturbed enough to marry Melanie Griffith TWICE], [Aunt Becky] and [an ice skater].

Um, obviously this movie is going to rule in myriad ways and will most likely better than what we see on Y&R these days. Damning with faint praise, sure, but true nonetheless.

I, um, guess it's obvious that I will do anything not to talk about the state of Y&R these days. I am hoping that something happens soon, because I don't want to write about the ENDLESS bickering between Adam and his siblings and Victor and Nicholas and Chloe and Lily and Gloria and fashion sense. Petty people arguing pettily sounds great in theory, but in practice, it's not so fun.

An LML Survivor Speaks Out

I'm sure that many of you have already seen the interview Carolyn Hinsey did with an anonymous Y&R actor about Lynn Marie Latham's time with the show and I'm way behind the times for only discussing it now (check back tomorrow for my thoughts on this new movie called Titanic!), but I simply have to comment on this anonymous Y&R actor.

He/she? Is awesome.

Here are some choice quotes:

Carolyn: I think she was talented, but she seemed to have a lot of pet causes for a one-hour show.

Actor: Oh, please [I like to think this was in reference to the 'she was talented' disclaimer, in which case...hee!!!--ed.]. We couldn't keep up! First it was, 'Why is everybody at the gym with this bottled water all the time? Don't they know that pollutes the environment?' So the bottled water was gone, not a huge loss. Then it was, 'Can I also say that the fires in the fireplaces, romantic though they may be, are polluting the planet in the worst possible way? You can't build a house anymore with a wood-burning fireplace. Let's stop that.' "Uh, okay, now we're doing a soap opera supposed to be about romance, without any fireplaces. Then she saw the movie "Blood Diamond" and that was it. No more diamonds.

Carolyn: I remember that, because Phyllis got a pink ring from Nick and I was like, "What the hell was that?"

Actor: Exactly. It looked like it came out of a Cracker Jack box. The other thing was, she didn't understand the character of Ashley. She wanted her out, too. Ashley was out.

Carolyn: IS Y&R going to murder [LML's friend's] character?

Actor: No, I think our producers are reluctant to have one more f--king murder in this town. I heard one of the new writers suggested maybe someone in town could read in the newspaper that the crime rate in Genoa City just dropped precipitously.

So much love.

Like everyone else reading it, I wonder who the actor is. It could be Michelle Stafford, but she's pretty forthright and I don't think she'd need to speak out anonymously with her face blurred like she's on an MSNBC documentary or anything. Melody Thomas Scott has every reason to despise Lynn Marie Latham, what with the whole firing her husband who was a long-time producer thing, but I would think her loathing would be so great that she wouldn't really care about things like bottled water and fireplaces. Mentioning the shabby treatment of Eileen Davidson's Ashley makes me think it's Peter Bergman, because he's made comments about that before, and if this is the case, I'd love him even more than I did before, which would bring my levels of love up to...um, stalkerish.

There's always the off chance that it's Hunter Allan, though.

Restless Bile

I have been completely awful about writing about The Young and the Restless, but it's just, like...how many different ways can you say "This show is boring and also, Judith Chapman needs to dial it down a notch or twelve"? I suppose if I were more ambitious, I could switch it up by saying it in a different language every day or use illustrations, which could prove to be problematic because I can barely draw a stick figure without it being distressingly crooked, but the point is that Y&R is boring and also, Judith Chapman needs to dial it down a notch or twelve.

I guess it could be worse, since it could be horrible on the level of All My Children, but sometimes I wonder which is the greater sin, being terrible or being boring. I think that being boring might be worse. Sure, watching a terrible show would inspire me to stab myself in the eye with a spork, but at least that's a reaction. Y&R just inspires me to change the channel and watch, like, the local access station instead.

It's just so...blah. And...uninspired. And...meh.

Like...

(1) I know that the original Jack/Sharon/Phyllis/Nick quadrangle had a great reception. And, in theory, I understand why writers would want to go back to a popular story, especially since 84% of the stories that followed that triangle were terrible. But come on, is there anything in the world more contrived than this new Jack/Sharon/Phyllis/Nick One Big Happy? I can't see myself willingly starting a magazine and working in close quarters with my ex-husband and the woman that he cheated on me with. Granted, I hold grudges and probably couldn't be persuaded to work alongside the woman who cut in front of me on line at the bakery the other day, but STILL.

(2) You know what this show hasn't seen enough of? Numerous women throwing themselves at Victor. I get it, people. Victor is the most handsome, amazing, virile, god-like person to ever exist. If I just admit that, will you stop this icky flirtation between him and Victoria's never before mentioned friend with the phony accent?

Sabrina: Don't look back, I say.

Victor: Live in the present.

Sabrina: Indeed.

Victor: That's why you like contemporary art.

Sabrina: You're so insightful. Yes.

Victor: Mm. Might be a very good idea for me to start living in the present.

Make it stop. Please.

Hope, Faith and Charity

Either my allergies are worse than usual today or I cried at an intentionally sad moment on The Young and the Restless (as opposed to the gallons of tears cried over the terrible storylines that we've hopefully seen the last of now that LYNN MARIE LATHAM IS GONE!). Is it just me, or was Hope dying really sad?

It was probably just me, but here is my reasoning:

1. Signy Coleman looks...you know what? I read in either Soap Opera Digest or Soap Opera Weekly about her return to the show and how she was happy to come back and then they told her they'd be killing Hope off and she got so sad that she started crying in the middle of Barnes and Noble and that made me feel unbelievably bad for her, so I am going to be charitable and just say that she looks...different than she used to. Her tan and her extreme thinness and her collegen look uncomfortable. Like, they make me hurt.

2. Even when his ex-wife and mother of one of his sons is dying, Victor still can't help but be a dick and that makes me sad.