Serial Drama

Literally Without Speech

I can usually be counted on for a lengthy, wordy discussion of, oh...anything, ever. So why am I left with "What in the...how is that...WHY?" when faced with the end of Friday's The Young and the Restless?

 

I mean, Lauren came face to face with the smirking Evil Lauren Lookalike, which marks the SECOND evil lookalike story currently happening on the show right now and the, like, FIFTH OR SIXTH lookalike in Genoa City in the past few years (right? Lauren/Evil Lauren, Patty/Emily, Will Bardwell/Jeff Bardwell, Sheila/Phyllis, Katherine/Marge, Carmen Mesta/Whats-Her-Face, WHAT THE HELL?) and is just so relentlessly stupid that you'd think I'd have HUNDREDS of things to say, with all sorts of four-letter words and hysterical run-on tangents and a self-righteous call for the firing of the executive who greenlit this disaster, and a list of things less ridiculous than this offensively stupid thing (such as the advice and anecdotes detailed in Jennifer Love Hewitt's book The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I am A Love-Aholic",Nicolas Cage's hair, the sudden resurgence of rompers) and yet...all I am left with is "What in the...how is that...WHY?" And tears. Lots of tears.

Who Do I Pay To Make This End?

I have a lot of questions about the storyline that combines Lauren, Jana, Daisy, Ryder, Mama Bear, Contrivance, Insanity, Inanity and Horror. Questions like "How?" and "Why?" and "Is Yvonne Zima secretly a robot, because her portrayal of human emotions is horrible" and "Who the crikey fuck thought that this story was a good idea?"

And all of those questions are still weighing heavily on my mind, because SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY!

Daisy: Now I came to tell you myself. First off, Ryder and I...we totally did know each other from before, since the womb, in fact-- twinsies.

Lauren: What?

Daisy: Did I say I was done? Yeah, so Ryder's my brother, which means Tom is also my dad. Yay, me. But here's the best part, and I think you know where I'm going with this, right? This all leads back to our mom. Mm-hmm. Oh, deep down, you totally know who she is. Come on. You can say it. Think... your worst nightmare.

Lauren: Oh... my god. Sheila?

But the biggest, most serious question I have is: what do I have to do to make this stop? Because I'll do it. Hunger strike? Fine. Bribery? Okay. Pledging to include a positive mention of Maurice Benard in every blog entry I write for the next month? I'LL DO IT. I am DESPERATE. Because the end of today's show has me so apprehensive about tomorrow's episode that I've been contemplating attacking my TV, Office Space style, just so I don't have to sit through what is sure to be a ludicrous follow-up.

"Subtly" and "Not At All Ridiculously" Planting the Seeds of Intrigue

If I ever find myself in need of a career change, I am thinking that I might go into the private investigation business because, based on the PI's I see in the soap world, they do absolutely nothing at all with their time except talk to people and make references to the cases they are working, which seems awesome. And also because I'm totally good at looking at clues and making educated guesses about what has happened or what is going to happen.

Like, get this, for example: I have a feeling that something bad is going to go down at the masquerade ball and it will possibly have to do with Adam, who everyone in Genoa City loathes and despises and wants dead. I understand if you didn't quite get that from this week's episodes; it's been so subtly and cleverly woven into the scripts that you have to have a really inquisitive, analytical mind to pick up on it.

I'm sorry, did I say "really inquisitive, analytical mind"? I meant that you have to have the ability to hear (the shameless, over-the-top hatred that is going to be used over the course of a murder investigation) or see (the angry lunging and glaring).

Billy: Well, you could just blame it on Adam. Half the town hates the guy. They wish him dead anyway, so...

Jack: That bastard is not going to walk. I guarantee it. After what he did to Sharon and my sister, he is not gonna get off scot-free. I will see to it, no matter what I have to do.

Jack, you know that I have a deep and, frankly, bizarre love for you but really. Really. If/when Adam or a random corpse believed to be Adam is found dead, you will be a suspect based on this line for approximately half a minute, and then everyone will realize, "Dude can't tell the difference between Patty and Emily even though he is more familiar with their, um, anatomy than anyone else. As if he has the wits to commit murder" and then they will all point and laugh at what a simpleton you've been lately.

Victoria: You know what the problem is? We didn't go far enough at the cabin. If I come anywhere close to losing Reed, you better pray that you're in solitary where I can't find you.

Jill: You used me, and I promise you, you're gonna regret it.


Nick: Damn it, Sharon, Adam has already cost us so much time with Faith.

Sharon: Six months today.

Nick: Six months? Really? If I could just get my hands around his neck--

Sharon: Nick, I don't want to hear that.

Nick: Look, I'm telling you right now if that son of a bitch ever sees the outside of a cell, I will kill him.

Nick: You ever get within a mile of Sharon or Faith ever again, I will have to kill you.

Get it? Because people want Adam DEAD and then when there is a possible MURDER, there will be a million and one suspects and it will be INTRIGUING and MYSTERIOUS, like all of the other INTRIGUING and MYSTERIOUS stories present-day Y&R has been so good at, like the "What's the deal with Ryder and Daisy" secret, because that's the very definition of appointment television!

Secrets and Lies

It was the episode of The Young and the Restless that people have been waiting for, for ages: Adam continued to be confronted with all of his lies and schemes, Ashley heard that she had a hysterical pregnancy and Sharon realized that Ashley's Faith is actually Sharon's faith. So it was action-packed AND educational, because I learned three really important things.

1.) Sharon Case needs a deep-conditioning treatment in a major way.

 
2.) Josh Morrow has an astonishing number of facial expressions that fall under the umbrella description "Caveman Face"

 
3.) This show can be kind of ridiculous.

Let's take a look at Friday's episode, shall we?

The action opens at the Abbott cabin, where all of the show's major players have convened to try and convict Adam for his various crimes and misdemeanors. That's not my being descriptive: Jack actually referred to them as Adam's jury and then went around polling them about his guilt or innocence, and I would have rolled my eyes a lot of I hadn't already rolled them so hard that I was nearly paralyzed at the sight of Victor's leather jacket.

It doesn't quite surpass Robin Scorpio's hideous plaid coat as my least favorite piece of soap clothing, but it's up there. You'd think it impossible for Victor Newman to look like more of a pompous tool, and he tugs that jacket on and pairs it with high waisted jeans, and then you realize that there is no limit to how pompously toolish he is.

Where was I? Oh, right, Jack and his jury.

Jack: We all know the evidence, Adam. You manipulated Heather to have your prison sentence reduced. Then when you were at the ranch pretending to be blind under house arrest, you set out to undermine Ashley's sanity to get back at Victor, or to get back at me. You made Estella your scapegoat, and then when Rafe, her nephew, started asking questions, you made a mockery of his sexuality to get him off the trail. You misled Nikki. You all but surely sicced the S.E.C. on Victoria. You married Sharon to stick it to Nick, and now you won't tell them where their child is. Am I leaving anyone out, Adam?

Billy: This bastard hurt my sister. That's enough for me.

Jack: You know what? I think we ought to poll the jury.

First of all, this entire scene was just silly. Secondly, "You misled Nikki"? Really? That's so bad that she gets a vote in this ludicrous experiment? Please.

And then they all went around pronouncing him guilty, like this was a real thing! I was shocked and horrified, and I found it highly unrealistic that Adam just silently pondered how to get himself out of this situation and didn't burst out laughing at how insane they all were. I mean, really, Nikki?

Nikki: I think Adam Wilson is the single most corrupt person I have ever met. Guilty.

The most corrupt person ever? Woman, you've married Victor and spoken to Gloria. Adam's not the most corrupt person you've interacted with in the last hour.

Victor: And I add my condemnation to that list.

Shut the hell up, you cankerous old prune.

A Quick Note

Things were quiet on our end this week, a week that included all sorts of soapy goings on, both good (Marcy Rylan and Eden Riegel to Y&R!) and bad (...pretty much everything else currently happening in and around daytime). A variety of unfortunate real-life circumstances led us to an impromptu hiatus, but tomorrow, we will be back to blogging bitchily and getting overly excited about alliteration. Thank you for your patience!

Finally, Someone Said It!

I often wonder about the extras in certain soap scenes: what do these random Genoa City residents think of the melodramatic goings-on? And how have they restrained themselves from, like, telling Phyllis to take it down a notch or ten, or writing Jack suggestive notes on the cocktail napkins at the GCAC? These are the things I think about when I get bored during this show which is regrettably often these days, but I am getting ahead of myself. Monday's episode was notable, because we got to hear from a random Genoa City resident and what we heard from him was so beautiful that it made the angels sing!

Kevin: You saw this woman?

Usher: Definitely.

Kevin: All right, who was she with? Uh, what did she do? Did she say anything? Did she look scared?

Daniel: Did you see her leave here?

Usher: No.

Kevin: So you don't know whether or not she left alone?

Usher: No idea. Hey, is there a reward?

Kevin: "Is there a reward?" My wife is missing. You're asking me about money?

Daniel: Hey, it's okay.

Usher: Maybe she bolted because you're a tool, huh?

"Maybe she bolted because you're a tool, huh?"

"Maybe she bolted because you're a tool, huh?"

"Maybe she bolted because you're a tool, huh?"

It gets better every time!

And, in fairness to my new hero, not everybody pays attention with freakish detail to everything they encounter over the course of the day, unless they happen to catch a marathon of Law & Order and then become convinced that odds are they will at some point be a witness to a crime and will be interviewed by the police and in order to be useful, they should start paying close attention to everything they see, just in case, so whatever, Kevin!

This will probably be the first and last time I exhibit any degree of interest in the Kevin/Jana/Ryder/Daisy storyline of boring boringness, because the lack of caring I have about the entire scenario is so profound as to be indescribable. The only part of it that IS describable is the part with the Ouija board and that can best be described as, "WTF? Did I seriously just watch people use a Ouija board for eight hours? I wish I were dead."

Sigh.

My New Favorite Sentence

Or should I say new favorite sentences? Yes, it's true, The Young and the Restless brought pure joy to my life in just two lines.

Before today's episode, the undisputed highlight of the past few weeks (this could be interpreted as faint praise of the highest order) was:

The role of Tucker McCall is now being played by Stephen Nichols.

 
I may have a reputation as a resident of Horseville (Population: Naysayers), but it turns out that all it takes to put a goofy smile on my face is twelve words announcing Stephen Nichols's return to daytime. It is good to have him back on-screen, no? I am so looking forward to seeing more of him with Jess Walton and Jeanne Cooper, and even Eric Braeden (mostly for the unintentional LOLs).

And then, in today's show, Sharon let loose with a few choice words to Phyllis:

Sharon: How many times has Victor insulted Nick or cast him aside when something just displeased him? And you knew that Victor was wrong, only now because it's Adam, you think Victor's right.

Phyllis: No, no. Adam totally went off the deep end completely, and there is a reason. And I want to know why.

Sharon: Why are you even involved? Oh, wait, I know. You just can't keep your nose out of my life. You know what? You need to back off, Bitch.

 
It wasn't the most vicious soap confrontation I've ever seen, but I have been so eagerly hoping for someone to say something nasty to Phyllis that I will take it however mildly I can get it, even with the knowledge that Sharon is completely in the dark about all of Adam's misdeeds and Phyllis is right that he's nuts, because Phyllis is just that annoying. I love Phyllis and Michelle Stafford, but it's getting to the point that I'm tempted to change the channel whenever I see her.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Becca Thomas

Every year, I make the same new year’s resolutions.  And 98% of the time, I don’t keep them.  But I continue to make them.  Why?  Tradition, I suppose.  For probably the same reason, at this time of year I map out changes I’d like to see on my soaps.  I’ve given up on the really crazy ones (like that GENERAL HOSPITAL should be less violent and mob-centric, or that DAYS OF OUR LIVES should have consistent quality for more than three months), but I still have some smaller-scale hopes for 2010.

On GH, while I have given up hope that Port Charles will stop revolving around the mob, I do hope that there are at least some consequences for the mobsters this year.  The only reasons I’m remotely optimistic are:  1) the reveal of Dante (whom I adore, by the way) as Sonny’s son would be hard, even in the hands of a writing team that clearly worships Sonny’s homicidal self, to conclude with anything other than some anti-Mafia reflections and happenings, and 2) I don’t learn lessons very well and have forgotten the 738 other opportunities for such consequences that have already passed by.

More realistically, I hope 2010 sees more of the episodes centered around karaoke nights at Jake’s, or similar setups.  Those were easily the best of GH in 2009, and that kind of cast interaction and escapism is exactly what GH needs.  More of Robin and Patrick as something other than back-burnered medical Nancy Drews would be nice, as would an actual storyline for Patrick’s brother Matt.  More screen time for Diane and Alexis’s almost uniformly delightful and entertaining friendship, and an actual romance for Alexis with someone who isn’t a sociopath, would be great too.

Our Column In the 1/28 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

In our latest My Take/My Take Too column, we reveal our hopes for soaps in 2010.  ("Hopes for Soaps" sounds like an anti-Brian Frons group waiting to happen, BTW.)  Join us as we try on optimism for size, set aside reality and all recent history, plus do really crazy stuff like ask that our shows feature more of our favorite over-45 actresses.  It's truly amazing that we manage to keep our gig while spouting such lunacy.

The Fast & The Furious: Genoa City Drift

As was briefly mentioned the other day, Friday's episode of The Young and the Restless was quite good and dropped the kind of bombshells that require capitalization and exclamation points: Victor is BACK! Tucker is possibly Katherine's SON! Mac is having Lily and Cane's TWINS! Ashley and Sharon know they were at the mental institution at the same TIME!

But.

(I know, I know, soaps are supposed to be filled with shocking bombshells and intrigue and excitement, so how can there possibly be a but about an episode filled with them? Oh, you seriously underestimate my ability to whine)

For starters, we sit through an awful lot of boring episodes over the course of a given week where literally nothing happens. Couldn't some of those bombshells have been spread out a little bit? Putting one of those revelations on a boring day would have saved us a lot of yawning.

And most importantly: WHY are some of these bombshells happening already? I'm sorry, Tucker revealing that he's Katherine's son?

Kay: I have owned this company outright for decades, and I have given it every fiber of my being. So why would you want to take my legacy from me?

Tucker: Times change. Legacies don't mean that much anymore.

Kay: For me, they do! For me, they do. Now I thought you were my friend and my ally, but you are neither of those.

Tucker: No. I'm your son. 

WHY IS THAT ALREADY HAPPENING?! This should not have happened until, I don't know, this time next year. He's been on the show for literally eight minutes! And this takeover story is bizarre, and makes little to no sense if you actually stop to think about it (I don't blame you if you have not stopped to think about it. The entire story has been thirty seconds long, so there is no real time to sit and think about it), but that, too was rushed like a rushing thing. Way to freaking pace yourselves, Y&R!

Especially since rushing this story along means that we barely had any time to sit back and appreciate the wonder that is JoJo before she was cruelly taken from us.

Jo-Jo: I'm having too much fun in my fancy new digs. Come on, Ess. I got a taste for some of that fancy Russian caviar on my scrambled eggs. I can't get enough of that stuff. Come on.

JoJo was given hardly any time to make the world smile and, meanwhile, Amber Moore continues to exist. Life is completely unfair!