Serial Drama

Days of Our Lives Month and a Half in Review

Yeesh, what a difference six weeks makes.  I was in such a good Days place, I even busted out the Awesome Alert Scale.  But since then, it's all kind of...fizzled.  There have been a few highlights, and the daily dialogue isn't bad, but I just don't understand where the show is going.  As far as I can tell, the big points of focus right now are:

• Chelsea and Daniel's "romance"
• Max
• Chloe/Phillip/Morgan
• Lexie and Abe
• Midol

Oh, sorry, that last one was only a focus of one episode.  More on that later.  But really, has there been an episode in weeks that hasn't primarily revolved around one of the first three?  And is there any reason I should be interested?  Chelsea and Daniel -- repulsive.  Max -- seriously?  Who decided he was a lead character?  And can we take a vote or something?  And Chloe and Morgan -- I don't want to talk smack about anything that puts the very handsome Jay Kenneth Johnson on my screen, particularly in various stages of undress, but this triangle could not be less interesting if it involved actual geometry.

I continue to be thoroughly entertained by the new John Black.  It's gotten to the point where all he needs to do is refer to his house as "my mansion" and I giggle.  Let alone when he says something truly funny and I lose all pretense of jaded soap fan/critic.

John:  Alone at last.
Hope:  What do we have here?
John:  I believe that's an old photo album belonging to my half-brother.
Hope:  To look at this you'd think the DiMeras were just your average happy family.  Nothing but smiling faces.
John:  Still, I'll bet it brings back some memories for you also.
Hope:  There's nothing I care to remember about Stefano DiMera.
John:  And I can't remember.  Which is kind of a nice thing about having amnesia, only along with all the bad stuff I've lost all the good stuff too.
Hope:  I know.  Your life with Marlena, the kids, your career.
John:  Nah, I was thinking about something else.
Hope:  Such as?
John:  The time you and I had spine-shattering sex on a submarine.

The rest of the conversation is not worth transcribing, even with John's awesomely smug description of the many "notches on [his] bedpost" despite his supposed devotion to Marlena.  Wait, that's not true, it's worth transcribing, but I was still laughing from "spine-shattering sex on a submarine" so I couldn't focus.  And I wasn't even watching when the submarine sex happened!  It's funny just as a stand-alone line, especially Drake Hogestyn's delivery.  His delivery of almost every line he says cracks me up -- and it's meant to!  I don't even know how to adjust to that after all these years. 

The Young and the Restless Week in Review

A few things happened in Genoa City this recently: Victor and his pregnant child bride made their union legal. Lily turned 21. Michael learned the truth about his father. Sounds pretty good, huh?

I'll ask you guys: what did you think of The Young and the Restless this week?

Nikki: I found it utterly painful. It just...it hurts to watch it. Can boredom actually kill you? Because I feel my brain swelling just thinking about it. David Chow, for God's sake. I'm better than this. America is better than this.

Neil: I thought it was sort of boring-
Victor: Youdidnotthinkitwasboring,youthoughtitwasthoroughlyenjoyable
Neil: I thought it was thoroughly enjoyable

Lily: I, like, totally need a drink right now

Michael: I, like, totally need five more of these

Katherine: This show will be cancelled in a year!

Well, that's a little drastic, but I kind of see her point...

If you just read a short recap of the week's events, you'd probably bet that the week was pretty entertaining over all. I hope for your sake that you wouldn't wager much, because, in true Y&R fashion, none of them were properly compelling. I don't know how you take a creepy and ill-advised wedding, a 21st birthday and the discovery of a secret that's been a couple of years in the making and make them boring, but I guess when there's a will, there's a way, and Maria Arena Bell has a will. I just wish the will weren't an all-encompassing desire to sap the world of entertainment.

Before I start, I'd like to give an overdue shoutout to Tammin Sursok. Yes, that Tammin Sursok. I know, right? Well, I like to give credit where credit is due, and she looked absolutely STUNNING at the Daytime Emmys last week. If I had seen her, I probably would have called her one of my favorite looks of the evening. Gorgeous! The color, the dress, the hair. Even the Fivehead is under control. Loved it.

But SOAPNet felt it more important for me to see Regis Philbin yammer on about something, and watch not one, but two segments about some imaginary Vanessa Hudgens ripoff. Those bastards will not stop until they take away everything I hold dear.

In Case You Missed General Hospital This Week

Here's a [paraphrased] recap of some of this week's events, to catch you up.  On all the boring boringness that bored every sane viewer into a bored state of boring boredom.

(Side note:  "Fun" fact discovered in the course of blog "research" this week, which says really all you need to know about our world today and why we are doomed:  Jason Morgan's Wikipedia entry is longer than Nelson Mandela's.)

Jax:  Where were you?  Are you feeling okay?
Carly:  Morgan and I just went to get ice cream.
Jax:  Pregnant women crave ice cream!
Carly:  Relax, Jax.  I told you, I'm not pregnant.  Why don't you hang out while I change clothes?
Jax:  Do you need help up the stairs?
Carly:  No.
Jax:  Are you sure?  Pregnant women need help up the stairs!
Carly:  I'm okay, thanks.
Jax:  Are you going to change into another shirt because your current one is too tight around your fetus-protecting midsection?
Carly:  Uh, no.  I was outside in New York in June; I'm sweaty. 
Jax:  Pregnant women sweat!
Carly:  Yeah.  So...changing.
Jax:  Pregnant women go through lots of changes!
Carly:  You're giving me a headache.
Jax:  Pregnant women get headaches!
Carly:  You're stressing me out; I'm feeling nauseated.
Jax:  Pregnant women get nauseated!
Carly:  Right.  So, anyway, I'm going upstairs.  I think I'll take a bath, too.
Jax:  Pregnant women take baths!  Should we consider a water birth?!
Carly:  Sure.
Jax:  So you're saying you are pregnant!
Carly:  No.
Jax:  Pregnant women are often in denial at first!
Carly:  Oh my god, kill me now.
Jax:  Pregnant women are sometimes depressed!

Carly: I'm pregnant, and it could be Sonny's or another guy's who is superior in pretty much every way to Sonny, but I told Sonny it's Jason's.
1998: You two-timing bitch!

General Hospital Week in Review

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I had predicted that General Hospital would win the best drama series Emmy, pretty much since the nominations came out.  (You can never go wrong underestimating the taste and intellect of award show voters!)  That may be why I haven't gone completely postal about it.  I'm having a reasonable person's reaction, by pretending it didn't happen.  Wait, that's not true, the reasonable person doesn't even watch the Daytime Emmys.  So, I guess I'm having as reasonable a reaction as I can to something as inexplicable as this terrible show being named the best in daytime.  That being said, this Week in Review is going to focus (mostly) on the things that didn't suck last week.  (I know what you're thinking -- cool, quick read!)  There were no serious felonies or misogynistic moments, so it was better than many weeks.  And sure, there was at least one partial character assassination (Alexis -- she and Jerry are getting a separate post, y'all), but nothing that made me get super ragey or yelly.  There will be lots of that coming up, though, so I need to rest up.

Lest you think I've gone soft, or started smoking the truly good stuff that Emmy voters obviously do, I have not forgotten that this show often seems like the only thing it is excellent at is being terrible.  I cannot improve on Mallory's summary of the last year's GH abominations when the nominations were first announced, so I'm going to be lazy and just quote her:

But that show seems downright brilliant compared to General Hospital, which I have come to conclude is not meant to be entertainment but, rather, serves merely as a vehicle for the powers-that-be to give the finger to their actors, their audience, people who have heard of General Hospital, people who work at hospitals and the person who invented the television. Because the fact that this EFFING SHOW was rewarded with a chance to be called Outstanding Daytime Drama in a year that brought us the firing of Stuart Damon and his subsequent humiliation via tracksuits, the intelligence insulting reveal that James Craig is Jerry Jacks, two ridiculous trials that showed us exactly how little the writers care about logic or the real world, ongoing blatant disrespect of Genie Francis, the rape of a character being played as him breaking his marriage vows in a hilarious way, the out of nowhere obsession Robin had with having a child, the violent murder of Emily Quartermaine, Emily's happy ghost, obvious rewrites of stories that weren't good to start with, the violent murder of Georgie Jones, a shitty spinoff and Steve Burton's hair, amongst other atrocities, is so unspeakably wrong that I don't even know how to process it.

Denial is how I'm processing the win, clearly.  Denial.

Lucky and Sam are adorable together.  If you had told me a year ago that I'd be typing that, I would have looked at you like you thought General Hospital was the best soap on the air.  But it's true, and their Mexican adventure was easily the highlight of the week.

"Lucky, it's called cleavage, and it's the best weapon we've got."  Words to live by, girlfriend.  (Aw, and that reminds me, Sam's delight at Lucky calling her his girlfriend was cute.)

They're even cute camping.  Camping!  I don't think I've found camping adorable since The Parent Trap, and I'm pretty sure that was only because it was mixed with gaslighting the bitchy potential stepmom.

Plus, Sam was in full makeup and wore gigantic 4" wood-heeled sandals throughout the camping scenes!  So soapy.

Now that they're back in Port Charles, I just hope Sam and Lucky remain entertaining.  Almost nobody else does, but you know, hope springs eternal.

There was one off moment:

Sam: ...I think it must be the jet lag.
Lucky:  No no no -- we didn't change time zones.

Really?  Between Mexico and New York?  Yes, you did.

This is the kind of thing I don't get.  It's summer.  Does GH not have at least one intern?  Who can operate that really tricky technology known as Google?  College students will do literally anything for money, and they'll even do most of it for free!  I don't understand.  Is there no quality control at all on the writing of this show?  Can Awesome Writer not be assigned to proofreading?   S/he gets little else to do.

Oh, right, positive.  I'm supposed to be positive.  Um...Maxie wore a cute outfit!

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review

Every time I see the beginning of a preview for a new Adam Sandler movie, I think, well, at least it won't be worse than [insert name of second most recent Sandler movie here].  And nothing could be worse than The Waterboy.  But then, somehow, the latest Sandler movie almost always is worse than the last.  It's downright vexing.  Every once in a while a Punch Drunk Love will come along and surprise me, but that's rare.  Mostly it's more like my most recent experience, sitting in a theater with the bad taste of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry still fresh in my mouth six months after being subjected to it on cable, shocked that this Zohan travesty appears to be even worse, adding the tangy twist of racism to the already heavy flavor of homophobia left over from the last movie. 

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this:  Every week of General Hospital is like a new Adam Sandler movie.  Except without the possibility of one good stomach-hurting laugh (yes, there is usually one), and with a much higher likelihood of bloody assaults and homicides.  (I am totally fine with endless non-bloody assaults involving, say, Bob Barker.  But realistic bloodiness I can only tolerate in small doses, which GH usually exceeds in the first week of any given year).  I stick around every week, in truth, only because I'm paid to.  Occasionally I get rewarded with Awesome Writer throwing us a Punch Drunk Love-esque bone in the form of a scene that is actually engaging, but for the most part, at the end of a Friday episode, it's just me looking at my TV screen with the same expression I have at the end of 90% of Sandler's movies.

That was the extended version of my now-standard introduction to these Week in Reviews.  The condensed version is:  This show sucks.

Reminder:  these two are brother and sister.

These two adult roommates, who gaze at each other and participate in touchy-feeliness that includes but is not limited to neck rubs, are brother and sister.  I'm just...saying.  Also, in true sibling tradition, the sister is paying someone to seduce her brother away from his girlfriend.

 

Claudia: I will pay you ten thousand dollars to seduce my brother John.  I'll give you twenty thousand dollars if you can get Lulu to catch you in the act.

I hate this show so much.  They have exactly ONE tolerable female character in this age group, and they are making her a hooker. (Actually, am I misremembering, or will this now be the second time Maxie has agreed to sleep with a guy in exchange for money from someone else?  It's not only misogyny, it's redundant misogyny; it's everything that General Hospital is all about.)  I was totally outraged and all puffed up to blog about it, but then she wore a really fabulous dress and it calmed me down.

Plus, Lulu -- who I officially hate now, daughter of Luke and Laura or not -- looks horrible right next to her.  I love a catty juxtaposition.

Maxie's dress could not be cuter if it were a puppy in a toilet paper commercial.  Lulu's t-shirt appears to have a pixelated tie-dyed pattern accented by a sequined fruit basket on one boob.  I know none of the words in that last sentence appear to go together, but there they are.  And I know Lulu is supposed to have bad taste in clothes (Giselle mocking her fashion sense was amusing), but you can show that without offending one of my most important senses with that level of ugliness.

General Hospital Week in Review

There was less stupidity last week than the couple of weeks before that.  Don't get me wrong, there was still lots of stupidity.  There was just . . . less.  By a little bit.  And there were a couple of good fights, which were awesome.  People arguing dramatically about ridiculous situations that will never happen in my regular life is one of the main reasons I love soaps.  Well, it's one of the main reasons I used to love soaps.  I think the love is gone now, replaced by a kind of melancholy tolerance.  But "We mock soaps out of melancholy tolerance.  And hate.  But mostly melancholy tolerance." is a really shitty slogan and wouldn't fit on our banner.

Aaanyway, GH had a week of episodes that I suppose must be reviewed.

Is there a carefully orchestrated campaign to wear me down and make me feel sorry for Spinelli?  First, Sonny -- great man and father that he is -- beat up Spinelli, a dorky man-child about half Sonny's age, without provocation.

You stay classy, Sonny Corinthos.  (I adored Maxie telling Sonny off afterwards.  Get on your with tiny, bitchy, slightly squeaky self!)

Then, Spinelli was all devastated that didn't have sex with Maxie,

which was sad.  So I did start to pity him a bit. 

But then I saw his hair and I crept back into the familiar warm embrace of total annoyance.

People, that is INSANE.

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review: Stupidity Is the Only Winner

Do you sometimes wonder whether General Hospital is some kind of social experiment, in which we as viewers are being tested as to how much horribly crappy un-soapiness we can be subjected without going postal and storming the studio?  It seems like a risky strategy, but it makes far more sense than the alternative possibility, which is that there are people putting this show on the air who actually think it's good.  I've exhausted so many adjectives describing GH in recent years, but my thesaurus is now empty.  I'm just exhausted by the stupidity.

I want to go rescue all the actors from this awful writing.  We could have a giant happy hour with a drinking contest about who was subjected to the stupidest storyline:  "I got shot in the uterus!"  "I had to act like Sonny was still sexy!"  "I had a blog war with my neurosurgeon boyfriend!"  "I called sexual assault adultery!"  "I had 27 different life stories and I still never asked who my father is!"  "I was a wisecracking ghost in tracksuit!"  "I had to pretend being married to Carly was a good thing!"  "I had to act like Australian and British are the same!"  "I was simultaneously a hitman AND the hero of the show!"  "I miscarried a pillow!"  "I was a tumor!"  "I had to seem like I wasn't attracted to Lucky!"

Who would win?!  Oh, dear readers, let's get real:  This is General Hospital.  There are no winners here. 

The best thing to happen in weeks was a rerun yesterday because of Memorial Day, in that no new offensive or stupid material could be foisted on the viewing public.  Happy holiday weekend, America.

My god, the saga of Michael and The Really, Really, Reeeaaaallly Long Goodbye just about did me in.  There were some good performances, but I swear there were about eight consecutive episodes of people sitting by Michael's bedside, grieving him and cursing the mob.  You'd think the latter point would perk me up, but 1) it is impossible to be perked up in the midst of a story about a 12-year-old in a permanent vegetative state after getting shot in the head, and 2) I know damned well there will be no long-term anti-mob consequences from all this, because I'm not new.

Anyway, Carly and Jason said goodbye to Michael.

Laura Wright and Steve Burton were really good in those scenes.

Bobbie said goodbye to Michael.

Jackie Zeman was good (if a bit immobile) in that scene.

Sonny said goodbye to Michael.

Maurice Benard was . . . there. 

And after Carly and Sonny transported their adolescent son to a long-term care facility where he will spend the rest of his life (or the few months until he is miraculously cured and SORAS'd), they did what any two reasonable adults in horrible pain with loving significant others at home waiting for them would do.

I have to put this after the jump, you guys, because I wouldn't want some innocent 'net-surfing person to happen upon these photos without intending to land there.  It's just not fair.

Days of Our Lives Month in Review

It's actually five weeks in review.  Yikes.  I know I have been falling down on the Days-blogging job.  I had been so uninspired by this show of late.  My revulsion at the Daniel/Chelsea relationship -- and their hair (since half resolved) -- perked me up enough to briefly blog, but other than that it hardly seemed worth the effort.  Then 1) I realized I had a month's worth of weeks in review notes stored up so that would almost be enough substance for a single post (seriously, it was draaaaagging), and 2) this last couple of weeks  Days suddenly became somewhat awesome again!  I'm even busting out the awesome alert scale!  Seriously!  Okay, I should be clear:  only parts of the show are awesome.  But those parts are awesome enough to warrant the awesome scale, and that is a huge improvement.

Things I find irresistible, no matter how bad they are:

• makeover shows
• Real World/Road Rules challenges
• a slow-burn soap romance involving a bad boy
• Hugh Grant's haircuts
  
• chocolate mousse deserts
• EJ Wells

So of course, I am ridiculously excited about everything associated with the EJ/Sami/Lucas/Nicole potential quad and all of the soapy deliciousness involving EJ and Sami in particular.  I have actually looked forward to watching Days episodes for the last week and half because of them.  I cannot tell you the last time that happened.  I think I had really big bangs. Whatever.  For the recent EJ and Sami developments, I'm busting out the big gun:

But in addition to that high honor, this level of soapiness has earned more detail.  Read on for soapy goodness!

General Hospital Week in Review

BREAKING AND TOTALLY ORIGINAL NEWS:  Last week Jason Morgan killed someone, allegedly heroically!  Specifically, to protect a poor defenseless woman who was totally dependent upon his ability to blow someone's brains out!

It was groundbreaking television.

I was going to start with a list of the things I liked on GH last week, under the theory that it wouldn't take much space.  But written out the list is kind of lengthy.  What does this mean?  Surely not that the show is improving.  Anyway, stuff I liked:

• Drunk Luke and Anna.  Yes, Anna is being kind of insane about becoming a grandmother, and her constant references to super-spy-dom are a bit tiring, but she is better than 90% of the rest of this show right now.  And Tony Geary and Finola Hughes being goofy together is a little slice of soap heaven.
• Laura Wright's performance as a grieving mother.  I hate Carly, and I swore I wouldn't give the writers any credit for a story kicked off by having a 12-year-old get shot in the head, but Wright is kicking ass in these scenes. 
• Steve Burton's portrayal of a regretful Jason.  Of course, the fact that the writers will not alter Jason's behavior at all as a result of his "revelations" about the violence he brought to Michael's life of course is not part of the "like" column.  If I had a "makes me want to become a hitman so I can kill people for sport" column, it would top that.

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review

Let's start with the biggest General Hospital news of late, the Daytime Emmy nominations.  Mallory covered the high and low points brilliantly already, so I won't take up much of your time with this.  (Mostly because knowing our readership, if I spend much space discussing GH being held up as one of the four best soaps on the air, there will be widespread cardiac episodes and rage blackouts.  And we need to save those up for when they announce a second season of Night Shift.)

I can actually deal, at least conceptually, with GH being nominated for best show and writing, if they submitted episodes from the Metro Court hostage situation.  Granted, I thought 75% of that storyline sucked, but it was better than almost everything else GH put out the rest of the year, and from what other people say it's better than what lots of other shows aired as well.  So I can get to an okay place with the nominations.  As long as they lose, of course.  If they win, I'll go postal.  But let's cross that horrifying bridge when we get there (and when we have lots of alcohol).

What really bugs me about the GH nominations is that they give the impression that the cast is the problem.  "The show has exceptional writing, directing, and showrunning -- shame about that shitty cast that can't muster more than Tony Geary's [Deserved But Let's Face It Guaranteed Until He Retires Even If He's Onscreen for Ten Minutes a Year] nomination, huh?"  Which is unfortunate because I think GH has a great cast, one that frequently makes terribly written material bearable, even entertaining.  So to sum up, Daytime Emmy voters are even more inept than the people who run ABC Daytime.  Who knew such a thing was possible?

But on with the recappery . . .

General Hospital Week in Review

I think it's important that we're honest with one another, so let me just tell you:  My General Hospital viewing history is spotty.  Over the last 15 years or so, I've abandoned the show numerous times.  Sometimes for real-life reasons, like college or grad school busy-ness, or work obligations.  But mostly I jumped ship when the show either got really offensive, or really boring.  And if it were not for you people, right now I would have an extra hour in my days.  Because DUDE, this show is boring the crap out of me.  And so is Days, so it's like a soapy conspiracy to inflict insomnia on innocent viewers. 

So since you are the reason I am still watching this show (all of this sounded less accusatory in my head, just so you know), I decided to make this Week in Review participatory so that we can share in the fun.   Yeah, fun.  It's totally fun. 

I shall quote Little Richard in this context, both because I have a need to be cheesy and because I'm virtually certain he agrees with the underlying point:  Good Golly Miss Molly, Greg Vaughn is freaking GORGEOUS.  Seriously.  Scruffy and casual

or clean-shaven and formal,

the man is fine.

(Please ignore the awful color and hideous styling of Kelly Monaco's hair that is contaminating that screencap.  Why do they hate her?)

more at twiigs.com...

Days of Our Lives Week in Review: The Recap-iest Version Ever

Apparently Days is trying out this neato new approach to soaps in which absofreakinglutely nothing happens Monday through Thursday, but Friday is a decent enough episode that you'll put up with four days of repetitive boringness just to get to it.  Or, if you're smart, you won't, and you'll just check in here and elsewhere for updates on what you "missed."  Because I really don't think we should reward this kind of plodding soap storytelling with increased viewership, cancellation on the table or not. 

Anyway, I take a few notes throughout the week as I'm watching, and those notes ultimately become Week in Review posts.  This week had exactly one note for the first four days of the week (I'm not over-exaggerating, sadly), so I'm going to try something new.  Since Friday was the only day really worth watching, I thought I'd just recap that ep for you guys.  Mallory and I had lots of fun with the General Hospital: Night Shift recaps, and until something horrible like a second season of that crap becomes a reality sprung from our nightmares, I'm in a bit of recap withdrawal.  We'll see how this goes.

Chelsea apologizes for being late to meet Kate for breakfast at the Brady Pub.  Chels slept through her alarm, girl after my own heart, but says breakfast was still a great idea because she needed to get out of the Kiriakis mansion.  Kate confirms that Victor is still treating Chelsea well but then launches into an uncharacteristically grandmotherly bit about Chelsea looking tired and pale.  Dr. Jonas shows up and scolds Chelsea for not taking care of herself.

Phillip and Nicole discuss their plan, which as Nicole helpfully exposits is "that I spy for you and that in exchange you use your influence with Victor to help me with my divorce settlement."  This is one of the many examples of why you needn't have watched the rest of the week, because it's the beginning to a possibly fun storyline, but 1) at this rate it will take 18 months to come to fruition, and 2) a character will tell you about it, in some detail, on a daily basis -- which you will enjoy if you are stupid, or a fan of James E. Reilly's  oeuvre.   Phillip reveals that the person Nicole will be  spying on is John Black.  Dun dun duuuuunnnnnn.

Cut to John Black,  who is mocking Rolf while talking to the impossibly hot Paul Hollingsworth.  I new he looked familiar, and Mallory was kind enough to point out last week that there is a reason for that:

Paul Hollingsworth is played by the ultra awesome Linden Ashby who (1) was on Y&R as a crazy (2) played Coop on Melrose and (3) has the best name in the history of naming.

I remember very little from the last few years of Melrose Place, which I only spottily watched, but I never completely forget a gorgeous face.  Oh, Linden Ashby.   You're so good-looking you reach that next plateau:  You fine.

Even furrowed, you fine.

General Hospital Truckload of Weeks in Review

Last week, my dog somehow injured his paw and I came home to him limping and holding up his front leg in the most pathetic and heart-tugging manner.  Long ($450) story short, his discharge instructions from the emergency vet said that he came into the clinic "suffering from acute lameness."  When I read that I was all "OMG, just like General Hospital!!!"  Thank god I didn't say it out loud.  At least I think I didn't.  I don't know.  This show makes me do crazy things, you guys. 

I haven't blogged about this mess in a couple of weeks, so rest assured there is lots of acute lameness ahead.  The show, not my blogging.  Or, well...no promises.

Obviously the biggest twist since I last annoyed you with my GH musings is Ian shooting Michael.  To be honest, my combination of cold dead heart + dislike of Michael Corinthos = wouldn't really have objected to the Michael-gets-shot storyline.  I wouldn't have loved it, mind you, but I probably wouldn't have been all up in arms and ranty like I sometimes get.  But Bob Guza's "explanation" for the storyline is so appalling, so outrageously out of touch with decency, that I am now going to hate it -- and him! -- with a dedication I've heretofore reserved for certain politicians and Louis Vuitton logo bags. 

I cannot in any way improve upon Mallory's awesome dissection of Guza's assiness, so I won't try.  I will point out that her brilliant post has gone on to become the most commented-on in Serial Drama's history.  The post and comments have me a little concerned, though...do I understand that you all have a few somewhat negative feelings about this soap opera?  You really should express them!  I had no idea.

Let's start off in familiar territory:  Back in mobville, Sonny continues his quest to extend his Duh Face of the Year title.

I feel like we need to better publicize his vast repetoire of duh.  It's becoming legendary!  I smell a future tribute post.

Days of Our Lives Dozens of Weeks in Review

I realize I haven't done a non-bizarro Days post since about 2003, but I fell behind in episodes and unlike in high school, I can't fake it here if I'm behind on the required materials.  (Except with that one AP teacher who inexplicably made the daily homework assignments credit/no credit based only on whether you turned in a thought or question about the book, allowing you to get credit for stuff like "The heights, are they actually wuthering?  I'm finding this mystery fascinating!") 

Anyway, the good news is that I've returned with an epiphany!  And that is, a tremendous amount can happen in one day on Days.  If that day is a Saturday on which you watch 12 consecutive episodes.  ("Sitting" includes folding laundry, time on my elliptical machine, and assorted chores, lest you think I am a gigantic couch potato.)  But really, it's amazing how much forward story movement happens in, like, two and half weeks.  Well, it's not amazing really, just noteworthy.  If your notes are otherwise from the James E. Reilly era of a single day lasting for six months.

I'm talking in circles and not really getting anywhere here.  I should move on.  Hey, just like this show!

Let's hit the major stories first:

Bo is still sick.
Ava is still crazy.
Hope is still kidnapped.

Phew.  So much to say, so little space.

General Hospital Week in Review

I've become completely unable to come up with introductions to Week in Reviews.  This show has fried my brain.  Imagine you're reading this and it's a witty and concise synopsis of the week that makes you want to read on.  Or just know that if you keep reading, you will see 1) Sonny getting beat up, 2) a poll in which you can express your wish that Carly was dead, and 3) incontrovertible proof that evil forces are plotting against Kelly Monaco.

Aw, Sonny, why the long face?

Cat got your tongue?

Okay, no...

Maybe you're just a little bummed, remembering how you got your ass handed to you, in public, by a kid who a scant few months ago thought he could fly? *

Or maybe you're still steaming over Jax giving you a verbal asskicking to match Johnny's literal one?

Man alive, it was a great week to be a Jax fan.

My favorite part of that conversation was that Sonny the intimidating mobster is approximately seven feet shorter than Jax.

(And is well prepared to defend his Duh Face of the Year title.)  Sonny's still a weeble, is what I'm saying.

I also loved how Sonny walked around for like a day and a half bleeding from the head, and nobody said boo about it.  Is it possible everyone in town is finally starting to hate him as much as they should?

* In case you're wondering, I don't feel the least bit hypocritical about enjoying that beat-down, despite having endlessly whined about the excessive violence on this show.  That's what's nice about being an anonymous online commentator without a soul.

General Hospital Week in Review

This show is still boring me.  But I've come to the realization that despite that, the blog must go on.  Plus Maxie had a super cute outfit this week that I had to preserve in screencap form.  So the official Week in Review returns.

The truly moving story of Will the Hitman Recover the Use of His Hands in Time to Kill Again and Sleep With the Woman Who He Isn't Supposed To Be Sleeping With Because As His Babymama She and His Kid Are In Danger From the Job He Is So Desperate to Get Back? continues. 

Ugh.  At least the visual of the oven mitts of gauze is entertaining.

I call this:  I CAN HAZ GUN?

(I also loved Sonny's pissy little rant about how dare Jason get injured, and maybe "this is just an excuse" not to do his Really Important job.  Yes, that gauze does look psychosomatic to me.  Although I would welcome the twist that Jason is faking all this because it's the only way he can break up with Sonny.)

Mike's amazement at Marianna's mad waitressing skillz was...entertaining.

Mike: I don't know who you are, but that was amazing.  And you did it all with a smile!

Yeah man, when she picked up those two plates, at two separate times, and then poured coffee?  IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.  How DOES she do it?  One day I hope to be able to transfer liquid from one container to another without scowling.  I dream big!

Days of Our Lives Couple of Weeks in Review. Sort Of. Not Really. I'm Too Bored, Y'all!

I don't know what's going on with this show, you guys.  It was so good just a few weeks ago, but this week it really started backsliding into mediocre-ville, or worse.  I still like most of the story arcs, but the dialogue is getting pretty bad.  I think John, Marlena, Hope, and Bo have been repeating the same lines for the last two weeks.  Which in the case of those four doesn't particularly bother me, because I adore John loathing Marlena and Hope and Bo being all suffering supercouple-y, but this could reach problematic levels soon.  If I have to hear people repeatedly refer to Lexie as a competent doctor, or Shawn and Belle's plans to rip off his parents' dream trip around the world over and over again, I may lose the will to blog.

There are a few things I'm especially concerned about.

Dr. Jonas is hot, but he is WAY too old for Chelsea.  Way.  I think he would have been great for her mom, but the idiots in charge let Julie Pinson go.  Romantic interests do not pass on to the next generation like real estate and collectibles!  If Deidre Hall retires, does John take up with Sami?  No.  They better redirect Dr. Dan to a more appropriate target soon, because it skeeves me every time I see him and Chelsea onscreen together. 

Are they just replaying the same scene of Ava locked in her room, being all batshit crazy, over and over again?  Is she ever going to do . . . anything?  I'm getting bored by her already, and that really shouldn't the case with an insane interloper.  I love them.

General Hospital Week in Review

I still don't really care about this show, but once you got past the cheesy "special" effects early in the week, without a stupid and implausible serial killer reveal or any more homicides of legacy characters, this week didn't suck quite as much as many.  I'm not interested enough to do a full-blown Week in Review (those are surprisingly labor-intensive, and require significant inspiration!), but there were, I suppose, events worth noting.

The "This Stuff Is So Stupid It Makes Me Yearn For the Realism and Depth of One Tree Hill" List:

• Alexis and Jerry should not happen.  I know the actors have great chemistry, and Alexis is long overdue for a romance, but NO.  The guy is a psychopath.  Among other things, he tried to kill her nephew!  WTF?  That is not foreplay. 

• Were the "special effects" just so Liz and Sam could once again be damsels in distress and Jason could once again be the hero?  Please.  Those two get into some horrible predicament almost weekly, like in the grocery store or at the dry cleaners.  (Don't even get me started on that park.)  And Jason is a hero.  He just is.  He looks good shirtless, he kills people for a living, he wears the same outfit every day.  What is not to idolize?  (Tune in next week, when I share my ABC Daytime-sponsored thoughts on how all strong women are bitches.)

• 1)  The black-and-white Spinelli fantasies MUST END.  They are ridiculously cheesy and totally out of place on this show, which supposedly prides itself on being the non-campy variety of soap.  Ick.   2)  Why couldn't Spinelli just email someone to get them rescued out of the sewer?  Instead, he futzed around on his laptop for hours trying to find some code to open that gate that itty-bitty Maxie then somehow managed to get trapped in.  So bizarre.  (I did love her myriad objections to the sewageyness of the sewer, though.)  Maxie continues to make Spinelli far, far more tolerable, but I still don't want them as a couple.  I think they need to bring someone new in for him.  And I think she'd be good with Nikolas.  But I am sick and earlier the room was spinning so maybe I'm talking nonsense.  (Not that I expect you to notice the difference.)

GH Couple of Weeks in Review: The I Don't Care Edition

I have been a bad General Hospital blogger.  I know this.  But I cannot bring myself to care about this show right now.  It's so terrible.  Terribly violent, terribly predictable, terribly monotonous, terribly nonsensical, and most of all terribly boring.  The things I could not possibly care less about outnumber the entertaining things by easily about ten to one.  The things I do not care to see anything more about include, but are no means limited to:

• Michael being kidnapped
• Carly being upset that Michael has been kidnapped
• Sonny's weirdly detached reaction to Michael having been kidnapped
• Marianna
• Ric playing dress-up-the-abused-Barbie with Marianna
• Campbell's soup
• Epiphany
• Epiphany's Campell's-sponsored heart disease support group
• Lucky once again being shot/victimized
• Jason once again saving the day
• Trevor
• Diego's amazing HVAC skills
• tiny Kelly Monaco being thrown around some more by a guy two times her size
• Emily being brutally killed, AGAIN

So what does that leave?  Almost nothing.  (You'll still click through for the rest though, won't you?  I need reader encouragement to get me through this challenging time.)

Days of Our Lives Week in Review: The Sniffle Edition

I know I mock a lot of stuff about soaps -- that's kind of what we do here, you know? -- but honestly, there was little to make fun of this week on Days.  The show was full of many of the things I love most about soaps:  tragic death,  awful plastic surgery, ridiculous yet entertaining screwball comedic romance, unspecified fatal illness, hot men, and schmaltzy flashbacks.  Who doesn't love all that?

I've said before that Days gives good holiday, and I was reminded this week that it gives good funeral, too.  The last big one I remember was for Dr. Tom Horton, and that was extra sad because Macdonald Carey had passed away, but still, Days does these big family events very well.  That may be because, unlike say GH, Days is still centered around core families.

Days' dedication to keeping families at the center of the show make me fine with the fact that they killed off one of the patriarchs.  I know it's totally hypocritical of me, because if it were GH I'd be screaming bloody murder (in fairness, GH would totally kill off Edward Quartermaine via bloody murder, so at least there would be a theme), but I really think they handled Shawn Sr.'s death well.  They're getting good soapy mileage out of it, so I approve.  (My approval means so much, I'm sure.)

Truly, the funeral?  The kids' eulogies?  All the Irish toasts at the pub?  Made of awesome.  Mostly.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

Sweeps went out with a bit of whimper on Days last week, but it was still some pretty good soap.  In a week of overall non-outrageousness, though, there were some outrageous happenings.

How outrageously excessive has Deidre Hall's 2008 screentime been? Enough with Marlena-palooza!  If I have to sit through another week with Marlena on every day, my soul might react thusly:

But whatever.  They're back in Salem, so Marlena can't possibly be on every damned day anymore, right? 

I was all prepared to be extra-traumatized this week by a John and Marlena sex scene (I occasionally read my Soap Opera Digest, you know!), but it turned out it was just them making out a little bit.  Regular readers know I have been traumatized on the regular by these two getting it on, but somehow with the cheesy soundtrack covering up any overly dramatic moaning, and the absolute non-smurfiness of John's mad woo-ing skills made it okay this time.  I mean, this was freaking hilarious:

Marlena: ...You're not here.
John: Well, maybe my mind isn't.  But my body sure as hell is.  So just take what you can get.

Hee.  Are you swooning yet, Doc?

And then, when she decided to take what she could get, right before they got down to business, this:

John: Brace yourself.

Haaa!  Robotic dickhead John never ceases to amuse.  (Marlena did later use my most despised soap phrase, "making love," but I can't rant about that without access to lots of alcohol.  I am, seriously, physically revolted by that phrase.)

Anyway, "Brace yourself" is the new "You complete me."  You heard it here first.

General Hospital Week in Review

There was no significant story movement, Patrick is all of a sudden operating with the intellect level of Spam, at this point I'm convinced that there is a backstage pact to make the Text Message Killer storyline the longest and yet least-involving in the history of the soap genre, and the Who Hit Sam? story has me bored before she's even out of the hospital, but weirdly . . . I didn't hate GH last week.  Maybe it's because the day-to-day dialogue still seems like it's a bit improved?  Or maybe it's the heavy medication and binge drinking.  I foreclose no possibility.  Anyway, I don't have a whole lot to say, because taking out the storylines I hate and given the aforementioned lack of movement, almost nothing of interest happened.  But there were some fun (or "fun" in some cases) lines.

First off, I admit, not all the dialogue was good.  This, from when Alexis opened her front door holding a jar of spaghetti sauce, was probably the worst.

Diane:  Prego, the working woman's friend!
Alexis: It's heart smart, okay?
Diane: So is what's in here. ::points to wine::

You groaned in disgust just reading that, didn't you?  I hope Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Hennesy went out and got drunk on that wine after shooting that scene, trying to drown their sorrows over being turned into shills for shitty pasta sauce.  First the V8 Fusion thing, now this. 

Someone in the comments said this is an ABC Daytime deal with Campbell's.  If that's the case, might I suggest alternate product pimping avenues?   For example, Patrick is in the hospital cafeteria and spills tomato juice on himself, requiring him to take off his shirt.  And possibly also his pants.  It could be a really big can of juice!  Or, Jax is out surfing (shirtless) and rehydrates with a quick tomato juice.  Or, Lucky is doing a police drill in which he gets shot, and they use tomato juice as fake blood, and then for the medical part of the drill a paramedic has to rip off his shirt.  Or, Ric is watching Molly and she spills her tomato juice all over his shirt, which he must immediately remove in order to clean.  Or if they're set on working products into dialogue, Logan could say "It's impossible for me to walk even a few feet without some huge anvil with 'serial killer red herring' etched into it slamming into my head.  You know what, I should have had a V8!"  (Oh, and he is shirtless.)

I have a thousand of these ideas!

Better yet, just put a picture of whatever crappy Campbell's product they want me to buy in the lower left-hand corner of the screen throughout the show.  Because I can tell you I am a thousand times more likely to buy any of those than I am to watch half the shit that ABC tries to push there normally.  Wife Swap?  Are they high?

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

It's possible I'm just on a three-day-weekend high, but were you as pleasantly surprised by Days last week as I was?  Almost a full week's worth of episodes that took place on a plane about to crash (phobia alert OMGOMGOMG), and they actually made for some pretty good soap. 

First of all, it started off great, because in true Days fashion the fake external shot was ridiculous (and therefore awesome).

That is the largest private jet in the history of the world, other than Phillip's.

And the jet belongs to John, who, I'm sorry, is totally hilariously awesome when he is in unabashed dickhead robot mode.  Which is all the time.  You guys, he called Steve "Dead Eye"!  I love Steve, but I laughed my ass off.  Snotty nicknames and Marlena hate?  This is a John I can get behind.  And he's very equal opportunity in his douche-iness.  No matter the situation, or who's involved, he's going to be a dick.

Marlena: John, have you figured out a way to land the plane?
John:  Well, no sense beating around the bush:  No.  As far as I can tell, we're going to be up here until we run out of fuel.
Chloe: And then what?
John: We join Colleen and Santo in the sweet hereafter.
Chloe: How can you calmly tell us we're all going to die?
John: It's not what I want.  Just trying to be realistic.
Phillip:  There must be something you can do, John.
John:  Probably.  Hasn't hit me yet.  Pilots are unconscious because their water was drugged.  We've got no radio, losing cabin pressure, controls are unresponsive, can't change course, or altitude, which means we can't land, and we will be without fuel in two hours' time.  You do the math.  And the worst part is that this jet has gotta be worth millions.  And the way we're going, she's gonna be a total loss.

Airborne comedy gold.

more at twiigs.com...

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review: As Usual, I Have Questions

At first there were scheduling issues, but now I'm just plain uninspired to write a Week in Review for GH, guys.  I'm not sure why.  The show hasn't been awful, and there have been some great moments.  Just nothing all that commentary-worthy, you know?  (Plus, truth be told, I was more interested in 90s episodes SoapNet showed today -- recaps coming to a blog near you.)  So instead, I bring you my latest list of questions.

• How entertainingly soapy is the ongoing Monica/Tracy catfight?  I heart it.  Tracy being all fierce and defiant, Monica calling Tracy a "litigious cow."  Glorious.
• Why is the Logan/Lulu/Johnny triangle so boring, when it involves such pretty people?
• Am I seriously supposed to care about Leyla and Dr. Devlin flirting?
  
• Is Patrick the dumbest neurosurgeon on earth?  Robin told him she's pregnant.  He knows they had sex a few weeks back and the condom broke.  And he doesn't suspect he might be a daddy-to-be?  This is a guy I'm supposed to believe fixes broken brains?  It's a good thing he's hot enough to distract me from this obvious story gap.
  
• Why hasn't Kimberly McCullough shanked the last three stylists who have come near her bangs?  I hate online petitions, but I am thisclose to starting one to implore her to grow those suckers out.
  

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

This week of Days was a rollercoaster of soap-viewing emotions for me:  On the one hand, the dialogue has gotten SO AWFUL that I start looking for things to do while watching the show, including but not limited to sorting my socks by season and color (true story).  But on the other hand, about a third of the week was flashbacks to episodes that sucked less, and plus you saw John slam Marlena's head into that big wooden door, right?  Then I'm sure you can see that there were bright spots.

I know I sound like a broken record, but dudes, Marlena is annoying the hell out of me.  I'm sure Deidre Hall is a nice person, and there's no question she's a Days icon, but for the love of the god that Colleen won't shut up about, could I get a Doc-free couple of days?  And John.  Ugh.  Drake Hogestyn has totally embraced the ham, with a side of robot, and while it is entertaining in an "oh my god, this is SO bad, I have to call Mallory this instant" kind of way, it's otherwise, you know, not good.  (He tasted his tears, people!)

HOWEVER.  All is forgiven, because this week, when John bashed Marlena's head into that door?  SOAP HEAVEN, ladies and gentlemen.  I mean, I am totally opposed to violence -- unless it is perpetrated against the people at both Ann Taylor and Gap who decided there was a need for a size called "00 - Curvy" -- but did that fake clunk of a skull against wood not make weeks of ODing on Marlena airtime completely and utterly worth it?!  I am giving myself a pass on enjoying what is technically domestic violence because of the high-camp factor, and because, well, Marlena annoys the shit out of me.  I am absolutely content with my moral relativism.

So anyway, Nolebucgrl in the forums posted that someone had made a video of The Slam on a loop, so of course I had to check it out.  If you like your uproarious physical assaults in small pieces, here is The Slam.  If you like it repeatedly and digitally manipulated in a most hysterical fashion, here is the video Nolebugrl mentioned.  Awesome.

And then there's this next video.  Here's the thing:  I hate those compilation "OMG, isn't MY couple so awesome?!1!?!11!!" videos on YouTube.  Or I should say, I don't understand them.  Who has that kind of time?  And inclination?  Who decides to make a video about the tortured relationship of Jason and Elizabeth instead of doing something really productive, like reading fashion blogs or watching 80s teen movies on cable?  I don't know.  But, all that being said, I've totally watched a few of them.  Nostalgia kicks in and I'm all, yes, I DO need to see Steve and Kayla's story set to a Journey tune!  Right now, on my laptop!  I so do!

Ahem.  I've gotten a bit off track.  Back on it, there are an assload of John and Marlena: The Truest Love In the History of All Love That Is So True We've Lost Track of the Fact That It's Fictional videos on YouTube.  So if that's your thing . . . never mind, if that's your thing, you're probably not here (but you're welcome here, regardless; just please don't email me any links to those things).  Anyhoodle, YouTube also has a recap of the less romantic moments of their relationship (capped off with The Slam), in the form of an awesomely snarky video called "Love Hurts" that is set to both that song as well as, I shit you not, "Smack That Bitch Up."  I implore you to watch it, and also write in its creator evilgenius1967 for president on any available ballots, because this thing is made of funny.  I emailed the link to Mallory and she replied:

I think I can say, with absolute certainty, that Al Gore's dream of the world wide web has served its purpose and can close shop now because nothing will ever, ever be better than that.

We think you'll agree that is not hyperbole in the least:

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

Bad news for Salem, readers -- apparently Days has fired Head Writer Hogan Sheffer and most of his staff (more info here; thanks to longtime reader esp13 for the info).  I'm genuinely sad about this.  The show hasn't been perfect under Sheffer but it was absolutely leaps and bounds above where it was before him.  And I really, sincerely hope that the show doesn't plan on keeping whoever's (whomever's?  who/whom is my grammar kryptonite) doing the writing during the strike, because the dialogue has been godawful and the cast balance -- one of the things I think Sheffer did pretty well most of the time -- is all out of whack. 

The bright side to all of this, is that the show is bound to suck, like, a lot, and it will be much easier to mock it!  Please think of your Serial Drama bloggers and try to smile through the pain, everyone!  That should carry you through until cancellation.

So, the big reveal this week was of course that Colleen is ALIVE! and STEFANO'S NEMESIS! and ANGRY! and a KIDNAPPER! and THE WORST-COIFFED AND -DRESSED FASHION DESIGNER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

I mean really.  I think the last time I saw that hairstyle was in a portrait of Mary Todd Lincoln.  Colleen is only supposed to be in her late 70s, right?

I am underwhelmed by the story of Colleen in Cardboard Ireland, so far.  That is probably due to Thursday's episode, which was comprised almost entirely of "It's you!" and "It can't be her!"  Way to drain a moment of all its drama, dipshits.

Anyway, I am unspoiled so I could be way off base, but . . . Colleen has got to be John's mother, right?

It makes perfect sense.  You know, in the way that all of John Black's 29 backstories have made "perfect sense," ever since Wayne