Serial Drama

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

Bad news for Salem, readers -- apparently Days has fired Head Writer Hogan Sheffer and most of his staff (more info here; thanks to longtime reader esp13 for the info).  I'm genuinely sad about this.  The show hasn't been perfect under Sheffer but it was absolutely leaps and bounds above where it was before him.  And I really, sincerely hope that the show doesn't plan on keeping whoever's (whomever's?  who/whom is my grammar kryptonite) doing the writing during the strike, because the dialogue has been godawful and the cast balance -- one of the things I think Sheffer did pretty well most of the time -- is all out of whack. 

The bright side to all of this, is that the show is bound to suck, like, a lot, and it will be much easier to mock it!  Please think of your Serial Drama bloggers and try to smile through the pain, everyone!  That should carry you through until cancellation.

So, the big reveal this week was of course that Colleen is ALIVE! and STEFANO'S NEMESIS! and ANGRY! and a KIDNAPPER! and THE WORST-COIFFED AND -DRESSED FASHION DESIGNER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

I mean really.  I think the last time I saw that hairstyle was in a portrait of Mary Todd Lincoln.  Colleen is only supposed to be in her late 70s, right?

I am underwhelmed by the story of Colleen in Cardboard Ireland, so far.  That is probably due to Thursday's episode, which was comprised almost entirely of "It's you!" and "It can't be her!"  Way to drain a moment of all its drama, dipshits.

Anyway, I am unspoiled so I could be way off base, but . . . Colleen has got to be John's mother, right?

It makes perfect sense.  You know, in the way that all of John Black's 29 backstories have made "perfect sense," ever since Wayne Northrup got a bug up his butt about coming back to Days for seven minutes 15 years ago.

General Hospital Week in Review

It's not as bad as it once was, but this show still sucks, right?  Only with moments of awesomeness?  I guess the replacement writers are saddled with so much crap from the regular crew that while they can improve the daily dialogue and provide the occasional deserving character with a kick in the ass, they still have to stick with stuff like the interminable Text Message Killer storyline that is eating the show unlike anything else in the last couple of years except maybe Jason's 19th murder trial.

Please try to ignore the heinous bangs that some evil stylist has inflicted on Rebecca Herbst long enough to focus on the most talented and expressive young actor in daytime.

I LOVE him.  I think that "whachu talkin' about Willis?" look at Kelly Monaco in the last one is my favorite.  I demand a new DNA test because there's no way someone that expressive is the son of Jason "C-3PO" Morgan.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

Last week, on Days of Marlena's Life . . .

Oh, what?  There are other characters on this show?  The hell you say! 

I was all set to rant about how I am completely OD'ing on Marlena and while I like Deidre Hall just fine (when she's not noisily making out with Drake Hogestyn) I don't understand what segment of the viewing audience was clamoring for more Marlena, but then I procrastinated putting up last week's Week in Review just long enough to see yesterday's episode, and Marlena was so over-the-top, soap-dramatically, completely-out-of-touch-with-reality-and-everything-else-sensical-in-the-world batshit crazy that I lost my ranty mojo.  I mean, this whole storyline is really messing up the show, and is heading towards the territory GH knows well in which I'm supposed to go "woohoo!" when "good" characters do really despicable stuff, but, here's the thing:  Marlena surreptitiously injected Stefano with a drug that has outwardly paralyzed him but which leaves him fully aware of everything going on around him, and she's going to torture him psychologically while he's in that state, for the rest of his life or at least until her friends and family can figure out what her NotDead husband's mission from Stefano was, a mission that will somehow involve Cardboard Ireland.  How do you read that sentence and not applaud its awesome soapiness?!

Maybe I have a little bit of rant left in me:  Enough with the Marlena overload, already.  Paris Hilton is less overexposed at this point.

Days of Our Lives Couple of Weeks in Review

I have been a bad Days blogger.  I know this.  John Black returned from the dead, and you got nothing.  Not a single post.  More than a week went by, still nothing.  I have no excuse, other than that I was totally consumed by dealing with personal trauma perpetuated by Balenciaga, writing preemptive obituaries for beleaguered pop stars, and trying to uncover the reason for my unhealthy addiction to boots.  But I will try to make up for it in the coming weeks.

So, yeah, turns out John wasn't really so much with the deadness.  Which, given the significance of such a return, was actually kind of anti-climactic, don't you think?  Over the span of a couple of weeks it was:  weird patient in Rolf's lab ---> strange figure in alley near Marlena ---> patient and strange figure are both John and EJ finds out he's alive!

Meh.

I did like that EJ was the one who discovered John

and that he got to be a little heroic by telling Marlena and her posse about him.  But then didn't it seem like only five minutes passed before Marlena and John were reunited? 

Stefano couldn't have outsmarted them at least once?  Where is my slow-burn soapiness?!

Anyway, UndeadJohn (with his bizarre, inexplicably hilarious hair) was, of course, being brainwashed by Stefano.  But brainwashing has come a long way since the rickety cages of the 80s!

That is the strangest set dressing ever.  It's like the club from Queer as Folk crossed with the bridge from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

General Hospital Week[ish] in Review

You guys, I'm so sorry for not having put up a GH Week in Review for almost two weeks.  My excuse is that I was having total babydaddy drama; mine is a hitman and that is, like, so complicated sometimes!  And then my older son, who totally hates the hitman (I heard him say something like "witch, tease" the other day, which I think is kid code for "I prefer Lucky"), freaking set our house on fire!  I mean sure, he had been playing with matches and I had caught him, but hello, I told him not to do it again. 

That totally works with most kids his age!  But instead he got the matches again and, long story short, almost killed his little brother.  And I severed an artery or something, which I didn't realize for the entire time it took me to get from my house to the hospital, even though it was supposedly a life-threateningly serious cut and even though I'm a nurse. 

So now I'm stuck in a hostage situation in the hospital (I'm told it's tense and dramatic and compelling, but I'm actually really bored), but at least I have some free time to blog!  Oh, and it's worth noting that my ex-husband is being all super dreamy and gorgeous and heroic, so of course that's a whole other pain in my ass.  My life is seriously tough and totally busy.  That's why I've been ignoring my hair.

I'm told by folks in the forums (I do no original research) that replacement writers have officially taken over Bob Guza's "writing" duties.  Maybe that explains why there appears to be consensus that at least on a day to day basis, the writing is a bit better.  The last week and a half or so really have been pretty decent.  Not everything is working, and I'm certainly bored some of the time, but the overtly offensive and violent stuff appears to be dormant, which is a nice change of pace.  If it turns out Guza is really secretly writing this stuff himself, I'm going to be embarrassed.  But I will still find a way not to give him credit for any improvement.

General Hospital Week in Review

The General Hospital powers-that-be may not feel the need to shake things up and do something different (you know, like not suck), but that doesn't mean we have to fall into the same trap.  So I'm trying something new with this week's Week in Review.  (Preview:  There's even audience participation!)  Please be supportive, dear readers.  I have to sit through every episode of GH without fast-forwarding because of this blog and our SOD column, and I don't get hazard pay or anything.

Most annoying thing on GH last week?

♦  The ridiculous, stereotypical, caricature-ridden version of Kate's Manhattan that the writers keep forcing on the viewing audience, an audience that presumably contains people who live in or who have visited New York City and therefore know this show is complete crap.  (In fairness, practically everyone knows this show is complete crap, but those with actual New York experiences have extra reason to think so lately.)

♦  Robin and Patrick ringing in the new year by having a patient die on their operating table and then "toasting" with champagne in plastic glasses on the floor of the hospital.

♦  Jason bailing on Liz on New Year's Eve to do work (reminder: which involves killing people for money), leaving her alone in that stupid safe house with her painter's block.

♦  Sonny getting arrested, as if anyone who has watched this show since the mid-90s actually thinks Sonny is going to go to jail at all, much less for being a dickhead in an art gallery in Cartoon Manhattan.

General Hospital Week in Review

Some tragic things have happened to me over the last few weeks:

• Saleisha won America's Next Top Model, capping off a very disappointing season of one of my favorite TV guilty pleasures
• I was driving along and my innocent ears were assaulted by Hootie (and the Blowfish?  I don't know if he's hooting on his own now) singing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire (which, by the way, sounds so unappetizing to me -- who wants roasted nuts at the holidays when you can have whoopie pies or pumpkin cheesecake?)
• I was subjected to I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
• I left my Benefit Lipscription in the car and the lip balm part froze and is now ruined (yes, I can just buy another, but I am of Irish descent, so it takes me a while to build up the nerve to spend $32 on lip balm)
• Dirty Sexy Money ran out of pre-strike episodes
• A random pedestrian yelled at me that I was a "stupid fucking bitch" because my bumper was about a foot into a huge crosswalk of which he was the only occupier -- before I'd even had my morning caffeine
• Josh Duhamel ruined several holidays by getting engaged to effing Fergie
• I watched the GH Christmas episode

Once again, I can reach no other conclusion than that ABC Daytime is intentionally torching its flagship show.

I'm not religious, but if I were I think I would take GH's Christmas Eve episode as an affront to Jesus.  I took it as an affront to good television.  Let's briefly review the "highlights" of this holiday episode:

• Carly passed out and then sat on a couch, sick
• GhostAlan returned.  Oh excuse me, Tracy's conscience that takes the form of a ghost of Alan returned.  Not just in a tracksuit, but in a Santa hat.  Because it's the holidays!  And GH knows that the holidays are all about family!  Especially dead family members.  Praise Jesus.  And ghosts.
• Sonny and Kate pined after each other, having broken up because he is a mobster who commits crimes for a living and occasionally has people killed.
• Maxie cried a lot and gave Felicia a gift from Georgie, a legacy character who was recently brutally, senselessly murdered.
• Jason started at Liz and her boys through a window, since he can't be with them on account of his career of KILLING PEOPLE FOR MONEY making him a danger to his babymomma and son.
• Luke's coma-dreams of purgatory kicked in again.  I'm totally calling these bullshit interludes Luke's Hot Flashes from now on.  I love Tony Geary, but there is nobody on daytime who I want to see doing a non-ironic version of My Way, particularly with a spoken-word stanza.  You must be kidding.
• There was no Christmas-story-reading to the kids at the hospital, there was no holiday party bringing together a bunch of the characters.

So, yeah, that was GH's happy holidays message for you.  Merry f'ing Christmas!  If you don't celebrate Christmas, I think you should feel lucky not to be associated with this mess of an allegedly holiday-themed episode. 

There were a couple of good moments, I guess.

Happy Holi-Days

It's possible nostalgia is making me overly generous, and it's also possible that General Hospital's horrific "Christmas" episode would make anything seem brilliant by comparison, but still:  Days of Our Lives gives good holiday, right?

The Christmas episodes, much like most Days episodes these days, were totally enjoyable.  Highlights:

* The Horton tree-trimming! I love those hokey little ornaments so darned much.   (They even make me say "darned."  See?)

* Alice!

(For GH watchers, let me help:  This is a rare species, known as Veteran Actor, genus Respected and Treated Well by Executives.  Don't be scared -- despite what GH has taught you, these people aren't here to hurt you, and they are more afraid of you than you are of them. Well, Veteran Actors on GH are actually more afraid of executives than anything else, but I'm getting off-topic.)

* Tony's great speech to EJ about how he should treat Sami and how Stefano is a big fat jerk

"Why do you give him credit for barely meeting the minimum requirements for parenthood?"  It's because of moments like this that I think Tony deserves the uber-awesome Anna.

* Hope in two adorable dresses, celebrating not only Christmas but her birthday and anniversary to boot

Plus, Hope and Bo being all supercoupley and adorable,

including Bo carrying around his own mistletoe like the lovable doofus he is.  (Yeah, the fleur-de-lis necklace gift from Bo to Hope was just an excuse to pimp Kristian Alfonso's jewelry line, but I like her, so . . . pimp.)

* Phillip being all flirty with Chloe and her cleavage, and then being shirtless.  Merry Christmas to straight women and gay men viewers everywhere!  (Actually, straight men and gay women got Chloe and her cleavage, so....happy holidays to everyone!)

General Hospital Week in Review

Here's my introduction to the Week in Review:  I hate this show.

I adore Alexis, and Diane has her moments of awesomeness, so of course the writers have to make them suck.

Their professional rivalry is just so over-the-top and ridiculous. Please promise me that if you ever see me react this way to a colleague getting a new client

or accept shoes in lieu of payment for professional services

or end a business meeting with a pout

that you will take me out back and beat some sense into me (without scuffing my shoes, which would of course be fabulous, and had been paid for with cash).

Now that they've torn down Kate, made Diane a caricature, given Robin the baby rabies, and continue their commitment to painting Alexis as the unlovable bitch, can we just get a final verdict from the soap judges on high that General Hospital is incapable of having any strong professional women characters?

I hate this show.

General Hospital Week in Review

I think most of this week's GH didn't suck, you guys.  That's the nicest thing I've been able to say about this show in a while.  I think it helps that the characters weren't spending a fifth week on Halloween night.  That stupid, redundant, plot-hole-ridden sweeps event being over would have been cause enough for celebration, but then there was a stellar episode, some decent ones following it, and a downright eeee!-worthy moment to cap off the week.  But for you, I tried really hard to be hypercritical and pick even the good shows apart.  I'm really giving of my time in that way.

Elizabeth's eulogy for her best friend Emily was mostly lovely, and I especially liked the several nods to history, but a couple of parts confused me.

Liz: Epiphany, Emily was especially fond of you. . . . She was always so appreciative of your sage advice, and your belief in her future as a doctor.

Epiphany garnered a mention?  Really?

Sometimes I think everything nonsensical associated with Epiphany is just Bob Guza trying to exact revenge on Mallory.

Liz:  There is someone else I would like to mention:  Jason.  He owned a unique place in Emily's heart.  A place reserved only for him.  He wasn't just her brother, he was her hero. Jason couldn't be here today, but I couldn't talk about Emily and not say his name.

Oh for god's sake.  Under this writing team, nobody can talk about laundry and not say Jason's name.  Or Chinese food.  Or algebra.