Serial Drama

General Hospital: Return of the (New-Faced) Queen

First, a disclaimer that I'd recently taken a break from this show for a month or two because I wasn't having any fun (enjoying the show or eviscerating the parts I didn't enjoy), but came back for Holly's return. I haven't been following recaps very closely, mostly just gleaning things from passing tweets and the like. It hasn't been that tough to pick up, but please forgive me if I get something entirely wrong because I missed those weeks. Back to business:

Most things haven't changed, such as people with 0% body fat eating massive pastries. 

"The boys are fighting again, what of my feminine CONSTITUTION???"

 

The Quartermaine and Quartermaine-Adjacent Contingent

I'm impressed that, despite opening with the sound of Chase in the shower, General Hospital resisted the urge to show him lathering up. But no worry, they didn't take but another few seconds to have him returning to the bedroom still glistening and shirtless. And of course later, Chase decided to welcome Brook Lynn back into the room by greeting her hilariously spread-eagle...

"Get a load of this strategically-placed bedspread and flower arrangement (also my balls)!"

Since this is a soap, naturally it's Olivia that walks in and not Brook, because why would it be Brook? Also it's nice to know that after over a year of acting like a nervous child about his crush on Brook Lynn, all it took was one night of passion for Chase to be so overconfident in her family home to be doing poses like that for anyone who enters the room.

I would say it's weird that Michael hasn't noticed Willow is perpetually in need of smelling salts these days, but then again when his general attitude toward her is that the little lady is too delicate for the outside world or naughty words or harsh tones of voice and should probably be encased in protective glass? Eh, it kind of tracks that he wouldn't notice she's weakening by the second. It's his whole angle on her! It's a turn-on! Well, that and children's toys/birthday parties.

"Welcome to your latest super-awkward Quartermaine family moment," says Michael to Chase after for some reason Chase and Brook Lynn are forced to tell the family over coffee that they spent the night together (a thing not, in fact, necessitated by Olivia's embarrassment). "I'm sure you remember those from when you were pretending to be Bailey's father," Michael adds. He oddly does not add, "Also from when I was pretending to be your best friend while you were recovering from almost dying and I was banging your wife during children's birthday parties!"

"So many memories of betrayal and sanctimony to cherish!"

It's Oscar's birthday, which means for about one half of a second Drew's story looks like something even mildly related to the character we watched for multiple years and seems to have largely been forgotten entirely. At any rate, Ned's about to snipe at Drew and then is immediately apologetic when realizing it's Oscar's birthday, which Drew immediately uses as a weapon. "For Oscar's sake," Drew thinks he and Ned should probably try to mend fences, which for this version of Drew tends to mean doing precisely what he demands.

"Dale Carnegie would tell you'll never win friends by calling someone out for insider training, Ned!"

Michael assures Drew that Ned is only bluffing when threatening to expose him and Carly for insider trading, a thing of which they are entirely guilty. That seems dumb!

General Hospital: Five Years is Not Enough

Now I am hardly the first person to be complaining about it, and I spent a good chunk of yesterday having a bit of a meltdown about this. But sometimes a thing just needs to be documented.

There is a disclaimer over all of this that maybe General Hospital is playing an absolute genius long game here and that we're all meant to be freaking out about this massive continuity lapse so they can give us a Big!Reveal! that, as one viewer I wish I could find again suggested on social media, maybe Nikolas got into some of Helena's concoctions and has drugged or mind-chipped Laura, Curtis, and Sam into conveniently forgetting what they know. If an explanation to this is forthcoming, I welcome it. I'd love to be proven wrong here.

Because they know. Boy howdy do (Mayor) Laura and Sam and Curtis know that Nikolas was the one who hired the hitman to kill Hayden. And Curtis knows that Laura and Elizabeth know. Wait, are we sure? Maybe they just momentarily suspected it and then let it go? Maybe it was no big deal and it's just one of those soap things where we have to hand-wave a minor piece of retroactive continuity for a great new story? 

No. We're sure.

Nikolas: Who the hell do you think you are?

Curtis: I'm the man that knows enough to put you in prison for attempted murder. Like I said, I got proof you had Hayden shot.

Hayden: It's true, Nikolas.

Curtis: Hayden hired me to find proof that she was the intended target that day in the garage. Once I found said proof, I took steps to safeguard Hayden.

Nikolas: Wow.

Curtis: And myself.

Nikolas: Convenient. What kind of steps?

Curtis: Like I'm gonna tell you. Let's just say it's enough evidence to get the case reopened. And it's a good bet that they're probably gonna drag your moms in for questioning. Now, is that what you really want?

Nikolas: Every word that comes out of your mouth is a lie.

Curtis: All the cops have to do is assemble ballistics tests to prove that the bullet they took from Hayden's head did not come from Shawn Butler's gun. That'll open a second investigation. I can make that call at any time to make that test happen. And then the dominoes fall. Next thing you know, your ass is on trial for conspiracy and attempted murder. Unless you cooperate. It's really up to you.

Bold and the Beautiful: Pah. Tern. Nih. Tee.

Sure, sure, I posted these on social media already, but they need to be documented for posterity. Steffy has invited an audience for her paternity results (her boyfriend, the man she cheated on her boyfriend with, and that man's wife), because if a paternity test result is given in a forest and nobody is there to hear it, was there ever really a paternity test result delivered?

I think not!

Unbelievably, the two scenes below were both in the same episode. The same 18-minute episode. 

 

 

God bless these actors. That's all I can say.

 

2020 Daytime Emmy Nominations Announced

This'll be updated as more nominations are announced....

Best Drama Series
The Bold and the Beautiful
Days of Our Lives
General Hospital
The Young and the Restless

Best Actor
Steve Burton, (Jason) GH
Thorsten Kaye, (Ridge) B&B
Jon Lindstrom, (Ryan/Kevin) GH
Thaao Penghlis, (Tony/Andre) Days
Jason Thompson, (Billy) Y&R

Best Actress
Finola Hughes, (Anna/Alex) GH
Katherine Kelly Lang, (Brooke) B&B
Heather Tom, (Katie) B&B
Maura West, (Ava) GH
Arianne Zucker, (Nicole/Kristen) Days

Best Supporting Actor
Mark Grossman, (Adam) Y&R
Bryton James, (Devon) Y&R
Wally Kurth, (Justin) Days
Chandler Massey, (Will) Days
James Patrick Stewart, (Valentin) GH
Paul Telfer, (Xander) Days

Best Supporting Actress
Tamara Braun, (Kim) GH
Rebecca Budig, (Hayden) GH
Susan Seaforth Hayes, (Julie) Days
Christel Khalil, (Lily) Y&R
Annika Noelle, (Hope) B&B

Beacon Hill: I've Got Your Own Happy Ending Right Here

So let's dig in to Season Two, Episode Three, shall we? (Watch it first if you don't want to be spoiled, of course!)

First things first: a moment of silence for another week without Tipsy Claire. (Don't pour one out for her, though, she would be very offended by the waste of booze.)

I love all the Boston establishing shots in the opening credits. Boston is a gap for me, pretty much the only major East Coast city where I've hardly spent any time (this is a minor lie, in that I have Floridian gaps as well). I think I went twice as a teenager, once for college visits and a second time for college auditions. One of these days I need to get up there to see it as an adult (Fenway's on the bucket list, though I suppose I'd be treated as the enemy there!).

But I digress.

Andrew's bringing Katherine information and it's something the Walsh Amendment and open roads and taxes and vague political something-or-other, but she's distracted and he's squirrely.

Evelyn finds a brooding Eric and asks him what's wrong, which Melissa Archer does in that Archer-esque way she pronounces "wrong" as ending with a Hard G, and I don't know why but I have tremendous affection for that. She wants to know why he's so distant with her, and it sure as hell sounds like the two of them used to be an item. (Unless I've forgotten something, I don't recall this information being introduced last season, which is a relief for this One Life to Live viewer because that would've meant REX AND NATALIE, boinking.)

Am I your favorite grandson, Nana?

Evelyn is very pissy that Eric married Susan to please his grandfather, and he didn't even tell her. She found out from his grandfather while Eric and Susan were on their honeymoon.

Eric: You were off on your honeymoon after you married him a month later, Grandma.

Touche, Evelyn. 

Her defense is a simple "that was a mistake," which, yeah, you're not exactly hiding it well, woman! She wants to know if he's happy, and he wonders if a Preston could ever be happy. "We were," she insists, but the key word is "were." So they retreat to their presumably loveless corners.

Sara brings some takeout dinner to Kate (remember going to other people's houses? so long ago....).

Sara: I remember when we were AT HARVARD you used to forget to eat all the time.

Damn, these ladies even name-drop their alma mater with each other!

Kate digs for information on why Sara's not with Diane at the moment, but Diane had to go back to New York. Conveniently! And naturally Sara brought Kate food from a place she remembers as her favorite.

Wasn't Lulu's your favorite place for salads while were at Harvard? You know, the TOP IVY we went to?

They chat about the length of Sara and Diane's relationship (NO REASON) and Sara wants to know if Kate's seeing anyone. "Yes and no, it's complicated" is the answer, which: TELL ME ABOUT IT. Poor Laura, y'all. Anyway, we naturally get no additional explanation of that confusing relationship.

Sara again apologizes for bailing on Kate and moving away so abruptly. Basically, she felt like she was being controlled and manipulated by her family and she had to liberate herself, and she wishes she could turn back time and make Kate understand. Kate is not entirely amenable to forgiveness...yet. Insanely cheesy saxophone music pipes in, just in case we forgot what genre we're living in at the moment! Kate invites Sara to stay to re-watch The Way We Were, which Sara mocks her for always weeping at when they break up. Excuse me, Sara, a SPOILER ALERT would've been nice for that 46-year-old movie! Rude.

Beacon Hill, Season 2 Episode 2

Plenty of episode spoilers ahead, so be sure to watch it first!

All right so, first of all, we need to talk about these two again.

Now, I'm all for healthy relationships where you're able to speak openly, but man is Laura forgiving. Katherine just goes on and on about the hold Sara has over her, how she just still gets to her so much and, sure, Laura doesn't love it but it's also kind of rude? Quit talking about how hung up you are on your ex to your current girlfriend, Katherine! And from their first scene in this episode, it sounds like the thing that brought them together was Laura basically nursing Katherine through her heartbreak. This doesn't bode well.

This season it seems like they're being a little less vague about politics and anchoring it in at least something reality-adjacent, talking about how different politics are these days, talking about public policy-tweeting, how the House majority leader has changed, etc., etc., but without naming any names (so far!). Which I like, only because it'll help us anchor these people to a context we have a shorthand for (even though it's a little funny to think about how dramatically the political paradigm has changed since Season One which, in-universe, was... like, yesterday? But hey, some of these people also have a whole new look since then! I'll allow it.).

In other news, these two are doing a bit of canoodling!

They have a little more spark and familiarity in this episode than in the premiere. Oh, also it sounds like Sara's paper is a tabloid-style right-wing paper? Maybe modeled after the New York Post? I can't remember how much information we really got on that in the first season, but it seems like that's not Sara's deal so we'll see how that plays out. Anyway, she's basically got her investigative haunches up about her grandfather's quickness in giving up his seat, but is also resentful that she has to report on both her ex and her own family.

Beacon Hill: Six Years or Six Seconds

As always, SPOILERS GALORE BELOW!

Oh hi there! Long time no see. Anything interesting happen since last we spoke on here? The world's been pretty uneventful, eh? Beacon Hill is miraculously back, a thing we truly thought might never happen despite our certainty in 2014 that it would happen in 2015. But here we are in 2020, an otherwise entirely un-noteworthy year in history.

This was a ride, y'all! I could've done the normal thing and just rewatched the first season in preparation for this, but instead I just read my own recaps and was still pretty lost. To make things crazier, multiple characters have been recast, including the two leads! Is it not enough that everything seems at least mildly surreal in the midst of a pandemic and almost-nationwide lockdown? The answer is no, no, it's not enough. I suspect this all came down to actor availability and not anybody getting the boot, since most of the replaced actors still seem cheerful and excited about the new season. So we'll forgive it! Either way, we should forgive anything in life that puts more Nadia Bjorlin on our TV screens.

In a brilliant but equally disorienting (lest you think this post about it is going to clarify anything for you if you're lost!) move, the "previouslies" that opened the new season included clips from the first season BUT WITH THE REPLACEMENT ACTORS EDITED IN. Has anyone ever done this before? I liked it, even though it made me feel like the brownies I ate this afternoon weren't just innocent brownies. So let's see what we can parse.

Sara Preston, one of the two lead characters (at least that's how priorities broke down in the first season), was played by Known Soap Person Alicia Minshew in Season One. Sara is now being played by Known Soap Person Nadia Bjorlin.

Sara's brother Eric, who was played by Known Soap Person John Paul Lavoisier in the first season, is now being played by Known Soap Person (but not to me yet) Mark Hapka.

With me? Next up: Sara's ex-girlfriend Katherine Wesley (aka Kate) was played by Known Soap Person Sarah Joy Brown in Season One, while here she is being played by Non Soap Person Marem Hassler. (A cursory search tells me she may have done an under-5 stint on The Bold & the Beautiful, but I'm not counting that.)

So far I think that's it for the cast replacements. A few actors new to this season include Hillary B. Smith, Jessica Leccia, and Alexis J. Smith. We're also promised some Jacob Young later in the season. Also returning: Ron Raines, Crystal Chappell, Louise Sorel, Ricky Paull Goldin, Tina Sloan, Melissa Archer, Jessica Morris, Rebecca Mozo, and Scott Bryce, among others. 

We've spent six years waiting to find out who was at the door that made wealthy wino WASP Claire Preston gasp as she did, and it turns out it was Senator Tom Wesley. Do I remember enough to understand why this would be significant? No, I do not. I do know that he is Kate's father and I guess the other Massachusetts Senator (I do recall that Kate might be appointed to Senator William Preston's spot now that he's ill, and he happens to be Sara's grandfather). 

I feel like we changed exteriors? Again, it could be faulty memory, but I thought the whole thing took place in the Beacon Hill neighborhood, which is very urban. Yes, the Prestons were definitely wealthy but I thought they were townhouse-wealthy, not mansion-on-the-outskirts wealthy.

If only there were some way to go back and verify! 

Anyway, Tom tells a perpetually-tipsy Claire that he's running for POTUS (I think? It sounded like he said "running for the leadership" but then she said something about his always wanting to be President.) and wants to make sure she isn't going to cause any problems. We don't know what's been between them, but she assures him she's not going to be his problem.

 

Coming Soon!

Some actual content coming soon just as soon as I get my technology all sorted. Here's an extremely subtle hint...

 

General Hospital: Nurses Ball Day Two, A Modest Proposal

First of all I loved that the "Everyday People" opening number actually had pretty simple choreography that you could actually buy a group of nurses could learn (instead of a bunch of professional dancers). And Jacklyn Zeman always makes me so happy when she's up there dancing her little heart out.

Also Felix! Epiphany!

I absolutely adore Kim's dress from the top all the way down to.... right above the knee, where the weird multiple ruffles begin. 

Why complicate a good thing?

Speaking of which, it's no secret that I'm completely smitten with the idea of Finn and Anna (because I approve of how smitten he is with her, as everyone should be), but they've now moved Alexis and Finn past "casual sex" into "actual dating" and the last thing I want is a love triangle where Alexis and Anna are somehow competing for the same man, so that's disappointing. And yet here we are.

I continue to not care in the least about Henrik/Peter. He's just kind of dopey and I will also lose any semblance of calm if I start articulating how I feel about the completely insane retcon of Anna effin' Devane willingly having sex with Faison and carrying his child to term. (Just in case nobody's noticed, she happens to be my all-time favorite character on this show and I have decades worth of feelings feeding into this ...nope, I'm going to stop.)

Nothing in the performance Chase got "hazed" into by Dante (DEAR SOAP GODS PLEASE GIVE DOMINIC ZAMPROGNA SOME REAL MATERIAL, HE IS ONE OF YOUR BEST ACTORS) suggests that anyone else (besides the backup dancers) was supposed to be in it, so that made no sense.

The actor did a good job and it would've been super-cute if (a) I'd ever heard that song and (b) he weren't a brand new person we barely know. 

Curtis in his magician's outfit? How is any man hot in a magician's outfit? Because he's Curtis, that's how. Continues to be the dreamiest dude on the show.

I also loved that act because, as I've mentioned, I love when the Nurses Ball feels like an amateur talent show instead of an over-produced night of lip-syncing ringers. And it was an act leading up to Curtis's proposal but there was still an act, you know? 

General Hospital: For Your Consideration

(aka Nurses Ball Day One)

Okay, today we got the pre-show and the red carpet and I'd like to take a moment to highlight a guest star who, if he doesn't get nominated for the Best Guest Actor Daytime Emmy in 2019? I will riot.

His name is Dutch and he is a star. Truly, Mark Teschner deserves another Best Casting Emmy for this one. What a find!

What a performance! I believed he was really eating. So convincing, so moving. Dutch needs a contract pronto.

 

• Otherwise, not a ton to say. I'm on record as disliking how they've glossed up the Nurses Ball in its "reincarnation," what with the red carpet and the overproduced music videos and bringing in a bunch of ringers as dancers instead of letting our characters do a full-on amateur talent show. So today's components were not my favorite. (Although I will absolutely take any Nurses Ball over no Nurses Ball any day, to be clear!)
  
  
• I did crack up at Joss being all, "This is unreal! I feel like Cinderella or something!" when she got to the step-and-repeat but then knew exactly how to pose for the cameras. I also cracked up that Sonny and Jason went to the Nurses Ball while Carly was spending the night in jail.
  
  
• So far I'd give "Best Dressed Couple" to Jordan and Curtis. 
  
  
  
• Also, how dumb is it that the Quartermaines' former (dearly departed) chef was actually named "Cook" but now they just call this one "Cook 2?" Is her name also allegedly Cook? I don't know, the whole thing is just a bit cheesy and maybe super-classist. And if they meant for it to be classist, like "see how these millionaires take the humanity away from their staff?" then I'd be fine with it, but that doesn't really seem to be the point. Also, how the hell is she supposed to be the chef for an entire gala full of people right before it starts? Now I'm babbling.
  
  
• Valentin looked....stressed. A lot.
  
  

 

• I haven't got the slightest idea who all those guest stars were* so I don't have any reaction. What, no AC Slater this year? 

Daytime Emmy Creative Arts Award Winners

Last night was the Creative Arts Awards leg of the Daytime Emmys, which has always meant all the designers and tech folks, but for some reason also includes acting/writing/directing for any of the Digital Dramas. They don't air the ceremony anywhere at all, but they did have the red carpet online with Carolyn Hennesy hosting. I watched that and... there were some awkward moments. They clearly did not prep her very well. But it was really cool to finally see all the designers and editors get all fancy and get some attention! (B&B had five women nominated for hair and makeup.... four of them were near identical white-blond-haired ladies. Heh.) (She got Lamon Archey's name wrong about seven times.)

There are a lot, so I culled the soap-related categories so you don't have to! Winners in bold.

BEST DIGITAL ACTRESS
Mary Beth Evans, “The Bay”
Vanessa Kelly, “Giants”
Lilly Melgar, “The Bay”
Alicia Minshew, “Tainted Dreams”
Anne Winters, “Zac and Mia”

BEST DIGITAL ACTOR
Kristos Andrews, “The Bay”
James Bland, “Giants”
Richard Brooks, “The Rich and the Ruthless”
Van Hansis, “Eastsiders”
Kian Lawley, “Zac and Mia”

BEST DIGITAL SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Molly Burnett, “Relationship Status”
Jade Harlow, “The Bay”
Terri Ivens, “The Bay”
Kira Reed Lorsch, “The Bay”
Alexis G. Zall, “Zac and Mia”

BEST DIGITAL SUPPORTING ACTOR
Brandon Beemer, “The Bay”
Stephen Guarino, “Eastsiders”
John Halbach, “Eastsiders”
Eric Nelson, “The Bay”
Derrell Whitt, “The Bay”

BEST DIGITAL GUEST PERFORMER
Jennifer Bassey, “Anacostia”
Thomas Calabro, “The Bay”
Patrika Darbo, “The Bay”
Chad Duell, “The Bay”
Mike E. Winfield, “Conversations in L.A.”

BEST DIGITAL WRITING
“The Bay”
“Conversations in L.A.”
“Eastsiders”
“Relationship Status”
“Zac and Mia”

BEST DIGITAL DIRECTING
“The Bay”
“Eastsiders”
“Relationship Status”
“Venice”
“Zac and Mia”

BEST CASTING
“Days of Our Lives”
“General Hospital”
“The Young and the Restless”

BEST ART DIRECTION
“The Bold and the Beautiful”
“Days of Our Lives”
“General Hospital”
“The Young and the Restless”

2018 Daytime Emmy Nominations

They're here, they're here! And there are actually a couple of surprises and cool things in addition to the frustrating absences.

It's sweet that the tech and design awards mostly just included all four shows, but that means the ones that didn't stand out even more. Poor Days of Our Lives costume designers! Guess they don't think much of The Bold & the Beautiful casting!

Anyway, I included all the digital soaps here, too, because (a) I'm personally invested in some of them and (b) they have a lot of crossover with the network daytime talent. For instance, hey, if you wanted Chad Duell to get a nomination for General Hospital, you'll be bummed but then a little glad to know he still got a nomination elsewhere.

Shall we? (Sorry the formatting's a mess, I'll clean it up when I have a little time but just wanted to get this out there!)

 

Outstanding Drama Series

 

The Bold and the Beautiful  

Days of Our Lives    

General Hospital   

The Young and the Restless    

  

Outstanding Digital Daytime Drama Series

The Bay The Series                                         

Eastsiders                                

Ladies of the Lake                              

Tainted Dreams                                       

Venice The Series                         

Zac & Mia                                       

 

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series 

Eileen Davidson, as Ashley Abbott
The Young and the Restless                         

Nancy Lee Grahn, as Alexis Davis
General Hospital                                   

Marci Miller, as Abigail Deveraux
Days of Our Lives                                               

Maura West, as Ava Jerome
General Hospital                                               

Laura Wright, as Carly Corinthos
General Hospital                                            

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series 

Peter Bergman, as Jack Abbott
The Young and the Restless                        

Michael Easton, as Hamilton Finn
General Hospital                                   

John McCook, as Eric Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                    

Billy Miller, as Jason Morgan/Drew
General Hospital                                                 

James Reynolds, as Abe Carver
Days of Our Lives                                                      

                                                                                                    

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series 

Marla Adams, as Dina Mergeron
The Young and the Restless                                             

Camryn Grimes, as Mariah Copeland
The Young and the Restless                                            

Susan Seaforth Hayes, as Julie Williams
Days of Our Lives                                                             

Elizabeth Hendrickson, as Chloe Mitchell
The Young and the Restless                                               

Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, as Steffy Forrester Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful                                                

Mishael Morgan, as Hilary Curtis
The Young and the Restless                               

 

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series 

Wally Kurth, as Ned Quartermaine
General Hospital                                  

Chandler Massey, as Will Horton
Days of Our Lives                                                   

Anthony Montgomery, as Dr Andre Maddox
General Hospital                                                    

Greg Rikaart, as Kevin Fisher
The Young and the Restless                                   

Greg Vaughan, as Eric Brady
Days of Our Lives                                        

Outstanding Younger Actress in a Drama Series  

Reign Edwards, as Nicole Avant Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                       

Hayley Erin, as Kiki Jerome
General Hospital                                            

Cait Fairbanks, as Tessa Porter
The Young and the Restless                                

Olivia Rose Keegan, as Claire Brady
Days of Our Lives                                        

Chloe Lanier, as Nelle Benson
General Hospital                                        

 

Outstanding Younger Actor in a Drama Series 

Lucas Adams, as Tripp Dalton
Days of Our Lives                                      

Rome Flynn, as Zende Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                

Tristan Lake Leabu, as Reed Hellstrom
The Young and the Restless                     

Casey Moss, as JJ Deveraux
Days of Our Lives                                      

Hudson West, as Jake Webber
General Hospital                                           

Outstanding Guest Performer in a Drama Series 

Ryan Ashton, as Zach Sinnett
The Young and the Restless                                      

Robb Derringer, as Scooter Nelson
Days of Our Lives                                                  

John Enos, as Roger
Days of Our Lives                                           

Morgan Fairchild, as Anjelica
Days of Our Lives                                                             

Vernee Watson, as Stella Henry
General Hospital                                                        

 

Daytime Emmy Pre-Nominations Are Out and Hoo Boy is the list...

....well, here.

These feel so insignificant these days with so few actors, so until the actual nominations there are hardly any major shocks. (Though it's funny to me that some of the Younger performer pre-noms are kids I've seen all of one time at most, but other the other hand I think that category is usually almost everyone who submitted.)

I do enjoy thinking about the actors' strategies for whether they should submit as Lead or Supporting because some of these are interesting to say the least.

Anyway, here we go:

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Sharon Case, as Sharon Newman
The Young and the Restless, CBS

Eileen Davidson, as Ashley Abbott
The Young and the Restless, CBS 

Melissa Claire Egan, as Chelsea Newman
The Young and the Restless, CBS

Judi Evans, as Adrienne Kiriakis/Bonnie Lockhart
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Mary Beth Evans, as Kayla Johnson
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Nancy Lee Grahn, as Alexis Davis
General Hospital, ABC

Marci Miller, as Abigail Deveraux
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Kelly Monaco, as Sam McCall
General Hospital, ABC

Gina Tognoni, as Phyllis Summers
The Young and the Restless, CBS

Maura West, as Ava Jerome
General Hospital, ABC

Laura Wright, as Carly Corinthos
General Hospital, ABC

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES 

Peter Bergman, as Jack Abbott
The Young and the Restless, CBS

Scott Clifton, as Liam Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful, CBS

Michael Easton, as Hamilton Finn
General Hospital, ABC

Billy Flynn, as Chad DiMera
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Galen Gering, as Rafe Hernandez
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Eric Martsolf, as Brady Black
Days of Our Lives, NBC

John McCook, as Eric Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful, CBS

Billy Miller, as Jason Morgan/Drew
General Hospital, ABC

Stephen Nichols, as Steve “Patch” Johnson
Days of Our Lives, NBC

James Reynolds, as Abe Carver
Days of Our Lives, NBC

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES 

Marla Adams, as Dina Mergeron
The Young and the Restless, CBS 

Nadia Bjorlin, as Chloe Lane
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Eileen Davidson, as Susan Banks/Kristen DiMera/Sister Mary Moira
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Camryn Grimes, as Mariah Copeland
The Young and the Restless, CBS

Susan Hayes, as Julie Williams
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Elizabeth Hendrickson, as Chloe Mitchell
The Young and the Restless, CBS

Lisa LoCicero, as Olivia Falconeri
General Hospital, ABC

Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, as Steffy Forrester Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful, CBS

Mishael Morgan, as Hilary Curtis
The Young and the Restless, CBS

Arianne Zucker, as Nicole Walker
Days of Our Lives, NBC

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES 

Darin Brooks, as Wyatt Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful, CBS

Steve Burton, as Jason Morgan/Patient 6
General Hospital, ABC

Chad Duell, as Michael Corinthos
General Hospital, ABC

Bryton James, as Devon Hamilton
The Young and the Restless, CBS

Wally Kurth, as Ned Quartermaine
General Hospital, ABC

Chandler Massey, as Will Horton
Days of Our Lives, NBC

Anthony Montgomery, as Dr Andre Maddox
General Hospital, ABC

Greg Rikaart, as Kevin Baldwin
The Young and the Restless, CBS

James Patrick Stuart, as Valentin Cassadine
General Hospital, ABC

Greg Vaughan, as Eric Brady
Days of Our Lives, NBC

The Bold & the Beautiful: A Gallery Review

You guys, The Bold & the Beautiful was so utterly on-brand last week that I can barely come up with words for it. It was a sight to behold. (Let's just say if anyone's giving you a hard time about watching soaps, as we were talking about the other day, do not show them any of those B&B episodes as it will only undermine your credibility.)

Anyway, just hot damn. It was a lot of melodramatic fun. So I made you a visual present of Friday's episode. (I wanted to do the whole week but you'd have to have to patience of Job to put up with a whole week's worth of episodes on the CBS website player.)

Here we go:

Just in case you missed it, hadn't heard, or don't watch the show at all but occasionally check in here to find out what madness is happening: Liam found out Steffy (his wife) slept with Bill (his father). It sort of irked him for some reason.

I've waited for years for someone to properly address the idiocy of the stupid Spencer swords that all these grown men wear like "Best Friends" necklaces, and nothing in the past has been satisfactory. Liam's ripped his off a few times only to put it back on two days later for no discernible reason other than "Bill always gets forgiven within the week" being a rule of the show. 

But thank you soap gods, this could not have been campier or more delightful:

That's right, he just crushed it! In his hand! It was as ridiculous as it looks! 

General Hospital: An Adult Mean Girl Kicks It Up a Notch

Oh Carly.

Carly, Carly, Carly. What are we going to do with you?

The return of original Jason has reverted her full force to her Queen Bee of the Cool Kids Quad that she held on so hard to back when Jason was married to Courtney (YES I TYPED OUT HER NAME).

Yesterday she hilariously went to Sam under the guise of being her friend and Drew's friend, to explain that Sam will never love Drew the way she loves Jason and will ultimately break Drew's heart as a result, so she should get rid of him now. In fact, Carly has a special understanding of this particular set of empirical facts because she and Jax were basically her version of Sam and Drew. Safe, comfortable, but not the deeeeeeeeep connection to the other dude. (No, Carly, you went to Jax because Laura Wright had more chemistry with Ingo Rademacher than Maurice Benard, unlike Carlys #1 and #2.)

So don't you see? It's not because she wants her Cool Kids crew back together at all. It's because she really cares about Sam and Drew's feelings!

via GIPHY

 Really, it was a selfless act.

Carly: Sam, you know I loved Jax. I did, I felt safe and secure and I was happy, and he was a nurturing father to my kids and our daughter. When I married Jax, I thought were were going to spend the rest of our lives together! But I wasn't honest with Jax or myself about the hold Sonny has on my heart. It definitely had nothing to do with Sonny marrying Brenda during that time since she is obviously meaningless and it totally didn't bother me at all, nope because soulmates. No big deal about the Claudia marriage or the whole Kate relationship, that didn't make me jealous at all.

Carly: And it doesn't make any sense, it's not logical because Jax is a dream come true and Sonny is a nightmare but it doesn't matter. My first loyalty is always to Sonny. If he needs me, I will be there. If he smiles, I'll cave, if he holds out his hand I will always take it. My sick dependence upon and addiction to Sonny is way more important than the lives and safety of my children, because it's hot, Sam. Don't you get it? Hot! I can't stop how I feel about Sonny and because of that, I broke Jax's heart. Don't do that to Drew.*

So heartfelt, Carly! So heartfelt. 

2017 Soaps Round-up(ish) and Round Table(ish)

I thought about trying to do some sort of year-end post since I've been a much more active viewer this year, but then I realized... not enough. I looked back through posts and I checked in on General Hospital in January and then again in May and I truly can't remember how much of The Bold and the Beautiful I watched because it's so repetitive that's it confusing to track time. And I believe I've been watching Days of Our Lives since late October. So I'm going to half-ass it, with just some random thoughts and the major disclaimer that this is by no means thorough. But let's take a look at a few bests and worsts.

 

WORST STORYLINE

GH: Did someone say "Ask Man Landers?" There's really no need to expand on that.

 

BEST STORYLINE

DAYS: Will's not dead. It involved so many people and Alison Sweeney, Deidre Hall, and Chandler Massey gave truly incredible performances. The best part was that it was told with compassion.

Honorable mention goes to GH for Jason's return, but points were deducted for the ridiculous preparation for it in which all the characters started announcing Jason just hadn't been the same since his new-faced return from the dead (in stark contrast to literally everything we saw over those years), and even more points deducted for playing it safe-and-boring by having Jason completely the same and unaffected by his five-year ordeal.

 

MOST UNDERUSED CHARACTERS/ACTORS

This one's surely a tie between two shows.

GH: Are you freaking kidding me with how little you use Dominic Zamprogna? There are literally dozens of ways Dante could be involved in every storyline, and they have one of their best actors just standing around delivering support and exposition.

B&B: Avants and Avant-adjacent people. Are Maya and Rick on this show anymore? They friggin' should be! And then they have actual legends playing Maya's parents and barely bother, because lord knows we need to see more of Steffy and Bill for some reason.

 

BEST COUPLE

B&B: Katie and Wyatt. Don't even act like it's scandalous, it's a smaller age difference than most of the couples on that show and they are hot as hell. Now let's just give them more screentime.

GH: Hayden and Finn. They knew they were writing her off and all of a sudden knew how to write a great couple. It's a shame they ended it, but pretty quickly we'll get to why we can live with it. Kevin and Laura are an honorable mention, but The Olds don't get much attention. Drew and Sam are another honorable mention, but they only seemed to heat them up in service of the oncoming triangle with the Holy Hitman.

 

WORST COUPLE

GH: Carly and Sonny. The full-on smug has returned and it's unbearable.

 

MOST DISAPPOINTING FALLOUT

GH: Nelle's scam. Months and months and months of the poor (very good) actress having to play virtually no context, and then it turned out she was just mad because her dad had also been Carly's adoptive dad and abandoned Carly? Huh? "What goes around comes around, bitch" should've been a line for the ages but it just sort of sputtered. We want "chickens coming home to roost" stories for Carly (and DEAR LORD FOR SONNY), but they never actually follow through. Even since then Nelle is a cipher. Here's hoping she and Ava actually become confidants so we know anything real.

B&B: Literally anything that happens with Bill. It's a friggin' joke.

General Hospital: Disney Promotion Day

I'm just actually going out on a limb with that title, as they did a lot of Star Wars advertising today and also mentioned Frozen and I'm just making a guess that those are both Disney movies even though I'm too lazy to look it up. I've never seen either so... shrug.

So! We had Q scenes today! Michael offered Monica egg nog and clarified that it's non-alcoholic, which was a quick reminder that Monica is one of the 45% of characters on this show who are on the wagon. Monica invited Ma and Son Nero for the holiday, but apparently Oscar didn't want to come and Kim went ahead and let him just go do his own 14-year-old thing for Christmas. (Okay, I guess this is actually Christmas Eve, because it better be.) (Wait, no, it's Christmas because that was the planned wedding day.)

Oscar did actually show up later, though.

Across town, Kevin and Laura were getting ready for the wedding when Maxie showed up yelling at them about bad omens. Laura wore a black tunic top and pants, which I respect.

I kept wondering if Kevin was ever Maxie's stepfather for a minute, but probably not? I know Felicia dated Ryan and he went psycho and then Kevin showed up and was a good guy, but did they ever date? Anyway, they had it snow out to justify the obviously anticipated absences of Lucas, Lucky, and Spencer. (They are maniacs for not recasting Lucky this very second as that would add a whole new wrinkle into this Another Dad For Jake storyline, but they literally haven't mentioned him at all in that context, similarly to how nobody cares to tell Jason that his best friend murdered his brother in cold blood and bragged about it to Michael later.)

Joss went shopping for Jason's bio-son Jake (I specify that since Lucky is Jake's legal father and Jason hasn't actually been Jake's father at any point thus far), while Jason shopped for Danny himself, purchasing only things for the dog... that isn't even Danny's. This is a weird gift choice, but Joss told him it was awesome, which led to Jason telling Joss she's just like her mother. Which, yes, I agree, Jason going to a store and buying a thing with minimal thought is indeed something Carly would praise Jason for to the heavens to the point of deification. And Joss gave Oscar a biography of Edward Quartermaine because, you know, that's his biological great grandfather! Then Oscar gave Joss a mix CD and a discman and it made me feel one million years old because they were talking about how retro it was and looking at it like an artifact, in the way I'd look at one of those old-timey hand-crank phonograph players.

Look, I'm openly a total luddite, but is it that bad that a CD is like a museum piece now? All the music I buy is on CD or vinyl, because everything's still available that way! So how can it seem that obsolete? Ugh. Aging blows, y'all.

Drew proposed to Sam, formally, with a new ring and all that good stuff. This was the second time this month on this show that a woman proposed to a man and then the man had to turn it around on her like the next day, because we can't go laughing important traditions in the face like that! Even Maxie would tell us it's a bad omen for a woman to propose to her ex-maybe-still-husband's amnesiac-twin-brother-who-has-the-ex's-memories. The man has to be the one!

General Hospital: Necessary Words

This won't be a terribly long post, but I'm feeling guilty because I've been a slacker here lately! I've been pretty drained and, let's face it, when you're worn out it takes a lot less work to just tweet while you're watching episodes than put together a whole blog post. Nonetheless, let's check in over in Port Charles, New York, with a bunch of random disorganized thoughts!

First of all, happy 40th anniversary at General Hospital to Jackie Zeman! Here's a great interview. Some great dirt in there on the old days!

Second of all, you have to be kidding me, Sonny. OG Jason's been back for a couple of weeks after five years of captivity and LORD KNOWS WHAT and hasn't even reunited with his family, and Sonny's sending him down to Puerto Rico on mob business already? Like I've been saying, why does more than one person want to be Jason? It's a terrible gig! His boss is an asshole!

Also! Kim (Tamara Braun's character) is an OB-GYN! Not only did we get a new doctor, we have another OB-GYN! Kind of the most important doctor gig on this show! That's a breath of fresh air. I'm always, always delighted to have more characters that will bring us hospital stories. And sure, sure, we technically have a pretty good spread of hospital characters right now but two of them are The Gays and god forbid we put them on screen, people who tear their hair out on whether which woman gets to date a brain-damaged hitman or a rapist/serial killer will clutch their pearls! But I digress, as usual.

I'm really liking Kim as a character and as a mother. I also happen to be one of those people who thought Tamara Braun's Carly and Sonny had more chemistry than the current lineup (who are great scene partners, co-parents, friends/frenemies with deep history, and all the other incarnations of Sonny/Carly they've played, but I just don't see the heat). (In terms of chemistry with Maurice Benard, I'd rank the Carlys: Carly #1, Carly #2, Carly #4, Carly #3.) So it's fun to see her back in the mix!

Have I mentioned how much I love Curtis and how much I love him standing by Miller-Jason? Sure, he didn't know the other one, but I still like it, dammit! I am very predisposed to love Curtis because he is dynamic and charming and generally one of the most interesting people on the show. 

Did I mention easy on the eyes?

Days of Our Lives: The Aftermath

Recap time! Just for context, I've only been watching this show for just over a week so I have no idea what I'm talking about. I've been getting some background info from some very helpful folks on Twitter whenever I'm watching (come play! @SerialDrama) but otherwise my entire frame of reference is just my very occasional visits over the years and general awareness from soap magazines and the like. 

Here we go! 

Will is hanging out alone and having flashbacks to Sonny and Sami trying to explain who he is. This involves grimacing.

Sami spent the night in jail and is very grumpy about it. It's because she punched Susan, which was awesome. The attending cop finds her whole story pretty hilarious. Marlena shows up.

Paul is sitting at the bar where Will works, which has literally never had a customer but apparently has no problem with people in emotional crisis hanging out there and never ordering a damn drink. He leaves a voicemail for Will. Paul is sad, and John shows up to hug him.

Will asks Susan if she's really his mother.

Marlena is delighted to learn that Sami punched Susan. Sami mentions that Paul knew Will was alive and didn't tell anyone, but I feel like I need to point out to her that he only knew for sure for one whole day and under the Soap Code of Ethics keeping a secret for only a day is practically a qualification for sainthood. (I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we all know who the only true soap saint is, Praise Jaysus.) John is congratulating Paul for coming forward with the truth, but Paul thinks he should be ashamed. (Paul is a long-lost-heretofore-unknown-son of John, right?)

When Susan shows Will the (very minor) black eye Sami gave her, he accepts her insistence that he's not Will. But he wants to go out and prove that he's really EJ. 

Eli is at the crime scene where JJ shot Theo (thank goodness someone's finally doing some police work around there!). Gabi delivers some expositional dialogue explaining exactly that. Rafe shows up looking for Hope, and these scenes are way too short.

Adrienne asks Sonny how Paul is handling this, and he says that he doesn't know and doesn't care, which doesn't seem very nice!

Paul tells his dad that he'd kept the whole "Will is alive" secret and how he can never forgive himself, while Sami fills Marlena in on the whole madness with Will thinking he's EJ. Will confronts Susan about why there's no computers in the house, which she insists is because computers aren't good for "growing boys' brains" and I'm wondering how old Will thinks he is. He's very young looking, but this is pushing it!

Sonny tells his mother about how Paul kept the Will secret, while Paul tries to explain his reasoning to his dad. (Today's theme seems to be "everyone checks in with their parents.") 

Rafe tells Gabi that Will is alive, and she's delighted. I don't have the slightest idea what either of their relationships are to Will, there's so many damn people on this show!

Marlena asks how Will could possibly believe that he's EJ, making Sami his ex-wife, and Sami again goes through the hilarious litany of why Will can't possibly be EJ: it's because EJ is British and tall and straight and dead. I always feel like the loved ones in these soap back-from-the-dead stories don't take enough time to bask in the ACTUALLY REALLY MIRACULOUSLY GOOD NEWS that the person is alive because they're so immediately outraged about amnesia and solving problems. Sami! Take a moment! Breathe a little! Your dead son isn't dead! Speaking of her dead son, Susan is showing him a bunch of "proof" of his EJ-esque childhood. The reason he can't see the date on his birth certificate is because he was a very messy kid with bananas and eggs!

That sounds like a very real thing, since most parents let their children play with their birth certificates while eating! I've rarely had a dinner without the whole family's birth certificates on the table! Isn't that what they're for?

Marlena explains that she and Sami got past her affair with John, so Sami and Will can get past this, which doesn't make the slightest bit of sense as they are possibly the world's least comparable situations? 

Susan tells Will all these people are scamming him because they want to get their hands on the DiMera fortune which.... Susan and Will don't exactly look like they're living large?

Paul: Will's lapse in judgement might be the thing that pushes Sonny back into Will's arms!

I legitimately have no idea what he means by that.

Sonny doesn't understand why Paul is being insecure since he and Will were separated when Will "died." But then he says he has to make Will remember who he is and what they had together, so gee, I wonder why Paul is insecure!

Okay, so I guess Gabi is Will's ex and the mother of his child? Rafe explains the whole amnesia/EJ sitch which Gabi responds to the correct way, which is to be concerned but moreover VERY HAPPY THAT HE'S NOT ACTUALLY DEAD.

General Hospital: The Song Remains the Same

RECAP!

After all these years, I didn't really realize Pozzulo's was a restaurant that's literally "never open." Sonny is really bad at fronts. (And I don't think it's entirely consistent because I just had a weird flashback to the original Lisa Niles getting chem-tested with Sonny in there.)

Anyway! Carly is toasting to schadenfreude, or her son's broken heart, whichever you want to call it. 

Ava is showing Kiki the "formula" for the surgery that will "heal" her two-square-inch-mild-discoloration. I don't hate Ava's new strawberry-blonde, but with the electric-blue top she's wearing it's not working.

Makes her skin look super pink. (I think Maura West is one of the world's most perfect humans, though.)

David (I finally learned that his name isn't Dr. Max Holden!) talks to Griffin about real estate investments, which... is riveting!

Apparently Monica and Alexis are in some sort of combined NA/AA meeting together? (It's not new for this show to conflate addictions, but seriously Port Charles has more than enough addicts that they don't have to combine all twelve-steppers.) Anyway, Monica's a little freaked out because a Jason-faced-person burst through a skylight! 

Jason goes to the Quartermaine mausoleum as OG Jason goes to Sam. OG Jason hears Scout crying on the baby monitor and does not say, "What do you mean you named your daughter Scout? Is she actually your cat?"

David flirts with Alexis, but she doesn't give a shit because she prefers murderers. He will lose this, because we're not new to a perfectly decent, good-looking man showing up in town. If any of our gals do end up interested in him, he'll turn out to be a serial killer (the kind that's worse than all our male "heroes"), but will otherwise just be recurring. (We miss you, Patrick!) 

Kiki is concerned about these surgery notes and how there's no approval or oversight, which really upsets Ava and her "could cover it up with one stroke of a $2 Wet-n-Wild stick" scar-splotch. Ava thinks Kiki wants her to stay "like this," where "this" is a tiny little off-white splotch.  

OG Jason is moved that Scout is named after Emily (and speaking of Emily, Amber Tamblyn has become such a delightful shit-stirrer in recent weeks during this excellent "take out the Hollywood trash" streak, and we... won't talk about any other Emilys). 

Jason runs into Monica at the mausoleum. 

Jordan wants to know why Sonny bailed out Dr. Klein and if he got any good information. "You show me yours, I'll show you mine," our hero says, while Carly gives the bitchiest impressed-face I've ever seen.

Sweet jesus I loathe this version of her. 

Kiki tries to give Ava a pep talk. Kiki leaves and Alexis shows up to talk about that man who abused and assaulted her (I'm sorry, my position on this is probably as unpopular as my Liz/Franco position, but it's unlikely to change).

The Bold & the Beautiful: Assume the Position

I'll be brief because it really speaks for itself. But let's just take a moment to luxuriate in the totally-not-at-all-suggestive blocking from yesterday's Bold and the Beautiful in a long talky scene between Bill, his daughter-in-law Steffy, and whatever is going on with her wig.

We get it! He's ready for his BJ!

(I mean seriously, folks, he got even closer and then they spent the whole scene talking like that.)

Speaking of talking, the best highlights of recent dialogue were Steffy taking a hard stance on why Liam shouldn't be nice to Sally: because she's a "criminal!" He should, however, be nice to his father. His father who, while not (say) a mobster, is basically a career criminal. Especially recently. I believe Liam's also supposed to be nice to Steffy's family, many of whom have a pretty serious rap sheet if such records ever stuck. 

General Hospital: The Love That Often Speaks Its Name

First of all, sorry to tease with a flurry of consistent posts and then a couple straight weeks of radio silence. I was traveling and then consumed with baseball and then a little under the weather.

But no matter! Because here we are.

Welp.

We knew this weepy lovefest reunion was going to happen, and man, the actors did not hold back. I'd make a joke about their whole One True Love dynamic, but lord knows if they actually loved each other "like that" they would get zero screentime (case in point: besides the previously-complained about off-stage adoption proceedings of Lucas and Brad, today we were reminded that Parker and Kristina went on one whole date and then U-hauled right off the show together, lest anyone think that more LGBTQ folks behind the scenes changes anything about what happens onscreen).

Where was I?

Oh! Right. The beautiful reunion, which involved a whole lot of "The following people have come back to life since you 'died,' would you like a drink?" and a little "Okay so then who is this guy we already cried tears of joy to have back in our lives?" but very, very little urgency. 

And this made me feel sad.

MONICA: All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, Jason. I'm just sorry it took me so long to learn to not control you! [Yes, what a jerk she was not wanting her child to be a hit man. So controlling!  --Ed.] I guess I just wanted that little boy that I remember raising. But in the last few years, you've let me back into your life and I really treasure that and I'm never, ever going to let you go again. 

JAKESON: Oh good, because I wouldn't let you if you tried!

BIG GIANT SAD FACE. I'm not crazy about everything they've done with (Billy Miller's) Jason's Return, but one of the absolute best things about it is his renewed relationship with Monica, and I will be sad to see that ruined if the inevitable occurs.

General Hospital: BRING BACK THE BROWNSTONE!

I was going to write a straight recap of today's General Hospital but then they threw some Ask Man Landers shitshow at me in the cold open, so I can't be asked. But there are some important things to touch on.

In this episode, we had a new "couple" (I guess Kristina and Parker are already official from the way they were talking today, which was fast) making out in a diner. We had randos just knocking on an apartment door in an building that should really have some security. We had characters in contrived situations so they could run into each other for the sole purpose of almost-but-not advancing plot.

What I'm saying is, we need a new set that more easily allows for such things. A building with a central location that is semi-private, where kissing isn't peculiar but a meal or a conversation might be shared in passing with neighbors. A building where people who are deeply connected live alongside people they may not know or choose to see deliberately. Which brings me to the titular plea: BRING BACK THE BROWNSTONE!

A lot of people could squeeze into that common room, you know. Very handy. It was also an appropriate place to overhear conversations. 

Anything could happen there. Babies could be born. (Oh, Tania. You know I loved you.) Murders could be attempted and later solved. Proposals could be made and showdowns could become legendary. Weddings could be celebrated. 

Who of the lower-to-middle class characters didn't live in the brownstone at one point or another?

And really, I know they sometimes try to shoehorn all of that into the MetroCourt by somehow constantly having people strike gold somehow and just live there permanently, but it stretches credulity and doesn't have that same hearth-and-home warmth we loved so much back then.

And it's a safe place. A safe place where huge mistakes can be made, like this haircut on Felicia:

And basically every time you need a big sweeps story, set a fire! Bring in a stalker or a hostage taker! 

Give Bobbie her building back. Let everyone battle about who gets to move in. Let's see first kisses and unexpected run-ins and unlikely scene-sharers on the regular. 

General Hospital: Home Again?

Does anyone else find Sam and Jason's bedroom kind of hilarious? I mean, he's Mr. No-Frills Black T-Shirt and she's Ms. Badass Low-Maintenance (okay, sure, she wears 17-inch stilettos in the most casual of circumstances and a ton of makeup but, in fairness, all of that is the bare minimum on soaps). Like what even is this headboard?

That said, it's nice to see a bedroom set at all. I thought this was a soap! We should be in bedrooms constantly!

I have terrible hair jealousy when I watch Crimson scenes.

That's... the majority of what I experience watching Crimson scenes. (I've said before that I'm still open to Nelle as a character, though I realize I'm in a minority on that one. I think the actress is dyn-o-mite, but I just wish they'd clarify who this person is any second now so that we -- and she -- have more to work with. We already did the "she's a mystery, we're not sure what her deal is" storyline. This time they could try changing it up by TELLING US one way or the other, for crap's sake. So that we know something Carly and company do not. Because that's fun. Remember fun?)

You know what? I was trying to get excited about this Tale of Two Jasons story. It's not as if something similar, as unlikely as it seemed, hasn't been pulled off spectacularly in the past. And there are certainly some actors involved here who could more than pull off something pretty great. Despite my well-documented history of hating Jason Morgan, hope springs eternal.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.

Just... this facial expression. We're in for it. Over and over and over again. 

The Bold & the Beautiful: Biker Chick's In-Law Seduction Techniques

Haven't recapped The Bold & the Beautiful in a while, and given the rather massive casting news we got recently about a certain former General Hospital Aussie joining the cast in what I'm assuming will actually be a pivotal role again (let's face it, Thorne hasn't had a storyline in eons, he was literally only there for like two episodes when his daughter went insane and was killed in self-defense by his niece) it feels like the right time. Especially since it might draw some new viewers! And if you're new, great news: it's not hard to catch up. Everyone has been married to or romantically involved with everyone else (of the opposite gender, that is, no Gays of Our Lives on this one except for Caroline's offscreen moms) on this show and no couples last more than a few months at a time. Now you're caught up! Also, Bill is evil and there's no reason anyone still endures his existence.

Anyway, shall we? 

Steffy and Bill flirt with each other. He calls her "Motorcycle Mama" and my eyes hurt from rolling, and this ain't subtle. Bill is so drawn to Badass Steffy! She's such a Cool Girl! She rides a "hog" and drinks beer!

Liam continues to explain to Wyatt why their father is a terrible man. Wyatt inexplicably looks skeptical because... why? I guess because he likes the money Bill gave him?

Brooke thanks Ridge for welcoming her back home.

Ridge: It's one of my favorite hobbies, moving you back home after a marital mishap.

Okay, writers, that one was actually pretty damn funny on purpose. Anyway, Brooke tells him she needs time to make the right decision, and he tells her he'll support any decision which brings her home. (Which means he'll only support just the one decision, not "any," but semantics, right?) She tells him she wants to cut her hours at FC back to part-time, but he thinks she should throw herself into her work since she'll always be a Forrester. "You are Forrest Creations," he tells her.

Bill and Steffy are sharing a beer while Steffy rubs her father-in-law's upper thigh to "comfort" him.

She tells him "Motorcycle Mama" isn't a great name for her since she and Liam have been trying but failing to get pregnant. They touch each other an awful lot while she pretends to think Brooke might come back to him and they can be grandparents together. He's not so sure.

STEFFY: I can guarantee a woman's going to come into your life that's gonna make you forget that Brooke Logan ever existed. 

Again, real subtle. (Hey Bill, remember how obsessed with "loyalty" you are? Any thoughts on what a crap disloyal wife Steffy currently is? No? Okee dokes.)

Liam wants Wyatt to help him run Spencer Publications the "right" way, but Wyatt thinks they don't have enough experience. He's also concerned that Bill's vengeance would take them down.

WYATT: What Dad did was wrong, but at least he regrets it!

Oh Wyatt, you dummy. You may currently have great taste in women, but otherwise? Ouch. Bill doesn't regret a damn thing, he only regrets that Liam used it to oust him and that his wife walked out on him for it. He's still rationalizing it, and also maintains that the lie about Caroline's "terminal illness" was the right thing to do.