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« As The Scalpel Cuts: Pre-Halloween Horror | Main | I'm a Cheesehead »

October 08, 2006

Are You My Father?

I'm sure that at some point in time, the idea of a soap character not knowing what man fathered her baby was really intriguing and scandalous. 2006 does not fall under the umbrella of that point in time.

Over on General Hospital, referred to in some circles as "land where bad plots go to be rehashed month after month", another "Who's the Daddy?" storyline is taking center stage, with Liz unsure if her baby was fathered by Lucky or Jason.

I think I speak for us all when I say BORING. Or perhaps PASSÉ. Or even OMG I HATE JASON. Maybe that last one is all me, actually.

Anyway, it is hard for me to get worked up over the excitement of another of these storylines since, in the past few months, we have seen this already. Multiple times.

  • Days of Our Lives: Is the father of Hope's baby Patrick or Bo?!
  • The Young and the Restless: Is the father of Phyllis's baby Jack or Nick?!
  • One Life to Live Is the father of Jessica's baby Brennan or Antonio? They at least get points for creativity since the mother could be either Jessica or her multiple personality Tess. Typed out like that, it's really lame sounding, so I take those points back
  • And again on this very freaking show. Wasn't the paternity of Courtney's baby in dispute, like, five minutes ago? Curse you, Guza! I should get used to it, since I'm sure this storyline will dominate the show for about a year. I predict that we will be seeing this scene in the middle of December:

    JASON: (Blinking furiously in a gray t-shirt and jeans) Elizabeth, is there a chance that the baby is mine?
    LIZ: Oh, Jason. Everything is so complicated. Your life is just too dangerous.
    LUCKY: (Sporting manic eyes and an inch of sweat on his face) ELIZABEEEETH! ELIZABEEETH!

    There will be many monologues about the dangers of mob life/living with a drug addict. There will almost definitely be a miscarriage scare. Perhaps Lucky's skank mistress (who is also pregnant, incidentally, but I think she's faking it) will falsify a paternity test. Or maybe if they want to branch out and re-do other shows' plotlines, Maxie will lose her baby and switch it with Liz's!

    If the baby turns out to be Lucky's, Liz will claim that Jason is the father anyway, because Lucky's addiction is too dangerous for a baby and also because Jason has spent an enormous portion of his life pretending to be the father of another man's child (see: Michael Corinthos; Baby Girl McCall). This will cause Edward to attempt to get into Liz and Jason's good graces so he can use the child as an ELQ pawn, because Edward Quartermaine apparently has nothing better to do in his offtime from running a multi-million dollar corporation. If the baby is truly Jason's, all of the above will still occur. Lucky will run to the penthouse and beg for another chance and get manhandled by Jason's bodyguards.

    How do I know all of this? Besides having a fifth sense, I know this will happen because it ALWAYS happens because these writers don't know how to do anything but recycle plots, lines and characters. You just know there's a sad little intern photocopying old scripts and whiting out character names, but one day there will be a slip up and Liz will say something about how she doesn't know if Tony or AJ is the father.

    -Promising Ingénue


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