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« The Smug and the Heightless | Main | Are You My Father? »

October 05, 2006

As The Scalpel Cuts: Pre-Halloween Horror

It's October and that means that Halloween is coming and with Halloween comes all sorts of terrifying horror movies or haunted hayrides. But I know something that will be even more horrifying, even more terrible:

A Google image search for Hunter Tylo.

I've never watched an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful, so it may be a very good show (I question the taste level of any show that employs AC Slater AND Lorenzo Lamas at the same time AND invites Alan Thicke for a guest appearance), but I don't think that I could sit through an entire half hour of it, even if it was brilliant, because the sight of Hunter Tylo scares me so much.

For starters, I am moderately sure that she's clinically insane. Her Wikipedia profile seems to hint that she's a stealth crazy, what with the imagined sexual advances made to herself and her husband, her hypocritical affair, her messy not divorce, etc. And what about the time she referred to Kimberlin Brown as an agent of the devil? An agent of the devil. You know who says stuff like that? Crazies.

Besides, I am fully convinced that only someone with a legitimate form of psychosis would wake up looking like this one day and say to themselves, "You know, I'm really pretty. This needs to change, and fast!" before hustling down to a plastic surgeon's office and requesting the Mangled Mongrel special.

And seriously, did she get her work in an alley behind a dumpster? Lips aren't supposed to look like that. Is this some elaborate way of making fun of Lisa Rinna, who got her Melrose Place role after Hunter was fired and if so, isn't that sort of a really permanent way of getting in someone's face? Wouldn't wearing an "I Slept With Harry Hamlin And All I Got Was This Lousy Case of Crabs and a Bottle of Aquanet" t-shirt do the trick just as well?

And I know that if I got breast implants, I'd specifically ask for them to be enormous and rock hard looking and so low on my torso that it looks as though I have two concrete circles sitting on my stomach. I'd also do my best to accessorize with sunglasses last seen in 1983 and a smile befitting the Joker or William Devane.

I know that some people are just wackadoos and that I shouldn't use my energy trying to figure out WHY especially if it leads me to night terrors as this project has, but honestly, why would one want to look like this unless one were employed by a year round haunted house?!?!?! If you have an answer, I'll be rocking in the corner, whimpering, so just let me know.

-Promising Ingénue



HILARIOUS! Thank you for the enormous laugh! She's' bat-sh#@ crazy.

and she used to be SO gorgeous :(

There are quite a few decent looking ones out there, but for the most part, getting fake breasts seems a terrible way to go. Wish it was something that women would stop getting.

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