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« Please Don't Go! | Main | 9021....Whoa »

November 27, 2006

All My Headaches

I went to read the news this morning at MSNBC.com and one of the headlines was about All My Children. I wondered if I was having a mental break of some sort. Can you blame me? Three people watch AMC and they are talking about a character named Zarf. It is totally plausible that it was a moment of dementia.

Do I trust these writers to handle a groundbreaking transgender story with dignity and grace? No, I do not. And you know why? Because Aborted Fetus. That's why. Any time this show tries to sell me on anything, I just have to remember that there is an aborted fetus with a unibrow and lockjaw roaming the streets.

And also, Zarf? I'm sorry, but no. You just can't. You can't tell me that this is an IMPORTANT ISSUES STORY and then have it focus on a person named Zarf. It's bad enough that they saddled Kendall's child with the name Spike, but to foist a character named Zarf upon an innocent audience is just wrong. Zarf rhymes with barf. I know that's so third grade of me, but seriously. Then again...Aborted Fetus .

Speaking of the character that ruined All My Children, are we supposed to root for him? The man went to the hospital room of a man who almost died (sure, he was on his way to try to kill the fetus in question, but that is beside the point) to glower at him and shout inane and monotone threats about having JR's son live with him when JR's wife leaves him. This is mere days after he slept with JR's wife after stalking her for weeks around town and hiding in the walls of JR's house. But we're supposed to be all swooning and shit because...why? Just because he's Erica's son? I'm not going to like someone just because their mother rules. Do I like Devon on The Young and the Restless just because Dru is the most awesome awesome to ever awesome? No. No, I do not.

And seriously, I am so severely disliking the character of Erica right now. The woman is acting straight up remedial, all the while dressed like she's on her way to a sweet sixteen party in Ibiza instead of spending Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania with her grandchildren. I just...I just don't understand her. I know that the only soap opera couples that are happy, stable and problem free are elderly, but surely there is a more logical reason for Jackson and Erica to separate than her sudden renewed fascination with Jeff Martin. Erica didn't even like Jeff when they were married thirty years ago, so her mooning over him now is just...oh, right. Aborted Fetus .

I did so enjoy her sparring with Brooke, though.

Erica: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. Actually, Brooke, if you need something to wear, I have racks and racks of clothes conveniently close by. Oh, I mean, I'm not sure they'll actually fit you, but --

Brooke: Oh, it's ok. I prefer sleeves in November.

Classic! How can they get rid of someone so deliciously curt? And she's the mother of Jamie, my favorite hot but ridiculously untalented member of the cast. Plus, you know, she's been on the show for thirty freaking years and does the word "loyalty" mean nothing to these people? I wonder why and yet the answer is right on the tip of my tongue. Oh, yes. Aborted Fetus .

And what the hell does it say about me that I am actively wishing for more COLBY?! The actress can't act, she delivers all of her lines in a stilted shout, and her hair always looks like she tried to cut and bleach it herself with one hand handcuffed and also blind, and the character should actually be 7 years old, but she's the only person on the show willing to call the bullshit out for what it is. I mean, sure, she does it loudly and with vapid teen slang last used in 10 Things I Hate About You, but still. Less Fetus, More Colby!

I don't even know what to say about Ryan being Emma's biological father. Am I actually supposed to believe that Annie was BFF with Di Henry, who moved to be with her sister in Pine Valley, and was then randomly saved and helped by Erin Lavery, who lives in Pine Valley, and then it turns out that her child was fathered by Ryan Lavery, brother of Erin, and none of the above connections had anything to do with the other? I'm willing to suspend my disbelief an awful lot, but I'm not a simpleton. At the same time...Aborted Fetus

I would make a threat to never watch the show again, but it would be an empty one, for I have low standards and I hate myself a little, so I'll be watching and I'll probably need to take up smoking or snorting heroin to help me through it, but I'll be there.

-Promising Ingénue


Wonderful...simply wonderful. I'll have to steal the suspense of disbelief line. You'll get credit.

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