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« We Need Your Help! | Main | The Day's Dumbest Dialogue »

January 29, 2007

All My Children of the Damned

If I had to choose between setting All My Children on fire and starting from scratch or winning a million dollars...uh, I'd choose the million dollars, but it would be a difficult decision!

It's just--this show--it's, like--gah. It causes me, a usually articulate person, to stutter and mumble and gesticulate wildly as if I were in line to play a missing Corinthos family member on GH. It sucks. Everything about it sucks. The Zarf, the fact that Adam Chandler is a buffoon, the Zarf, the Aborted Fetus, Erica being deranged...I mean, I am actively wishing for Colby and Sean to take over the show. Colby and Sean! I've also come to the conclusion that Sean is sort of cute and it's sort of okay that I think that because he's actually older than me, but it's sort of not okay because I don't think he's that cute at all, it's just Stockholm Syndrome. Let's pretend this conversation never happened.

Let's discuss the death of Dixie, shall we? It's not enough that the "Satin Slayer" is the worst serial killer ever. I mean, Babe goes prancing around Pine Valley making out with random men and fetuses, and he can't kill her. Pathetic. 

Even more pathetic is the fact that Dixie, one of the show's most popular characters, is going to die because of poisoned pancakes. That's as ludicrous as Alice Horton dying from donuts on Days of Our Lives. Poisoned pancakes! I want to start a riot. Please excuse me while I go around my house chanting "Attica! Attica!"

I am so irritated by the way they fired Cady McClain and the way they are going to drag this stupid "Krystal is having Tad's child!" out until the end of time. Raise your hand if you think that Babe is going to get "attacked" by the Satin Slayer (don't worry, she won't die, she's indestructible) and JR will be too grief stricken by the loss of the wife that he...hates and once tried to murder that he will respect her wishes and not tell the truth about her mother's baby. All of us, huh? Way to be unpredictable, AMC!

Then there's Ryan. Oh, Ryan. What a douchebag. When I started watching AMC, Ryan seemed to be okay; granted, I was all about the Leo DuPres, so I wasn't too focused on the Lavery, but I didn't have the urge to dry heave whenever Ryan Lavery stepped in front of the camera.

Now, though? Ryan sucks. He might even suck more than Babe, because at least Babe has brief moments where she is aware that she is a life ruining skank. But Ryan is all "I'm godly, and I'm perfect and I'm from a family of assorted degenerates and murderers and I am a vile, emotionally abusive man and if you judge me, I will get up in your face and scream at you for not being me".

So he's all irate that Kendall didn't tell him Emma is his biological father. But he was a sperm donor! He doesn't have any rights to this child! And may I be the one to remind everybody that Ryan was so afraid of passing down his rage filled tendencies to a child that he secretly had a vasectomy, tried to punch his pregnant wife, and faked his death to avoid being a father? Because he did! He so did! But now he's over that and all, "She's my daughter! Not without my daughter!"

Sorry, loser, but she's way too cute to be related to you.

Seriously, though. Am I going crazy? Because I'm pretty sure that he has absolutely no rights to this child and should get over himself because he's a sanctimonious prick, and Annie should take her ginormous mouth and her adorable daughter and run away, and maybe Zach should have Ryan killed, I don't know. That would be pretty awesome...

- Promising Ingénue


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