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« The Day's Dumbest Dialogue | Main | Barf »

January 12, 2007

Complete and Utter Hideosity

TRUE or FALSE? The budget crisis at General Hospital is so severe that in order to afford gargantuan salaries, all mirrors and other reflective surfaces were sold on ebay.

Okay, so it's probably false, but it's the most logical explanation I could come up with. Unless there was a zany mixup with students at a school from the blind reporting for field experience meant for cosmetology students! That's an idea so wacky that I should make sure Fox doesn't steal it from me.

It seems to me that when the acting, writing and producing values at GH fell by the wayside, hair/makeup/wardrobe were left wondering why they should bother doing a good job, since their co-workers could churn out crap and bring home big paychecks, so they, too, just stopped caring. Or maybe they care and are just actively trying to make these people look horrifically ugly. I don't know. But there is some serious ugly floating around Port Charles.

What is that? Is it a ginormous bathrobe? Is it a rug? Is it a poncho? Is the "coffee importing" market in such a decline that one is forced to buy discontinued merchandise from Wal Mart? I find it, as I do so many facets of Sonny Coritnthos, to be absolutely repulsive. Is he planning on forcing Carly to marry him by trapping her in his enormous ugly coat? They could probably both fit in there with Michael and Morgan, too.

I know college professors, especially young ones, aren't pulling in obscenely high salaries, but soap and water are two commodities available to all, regardless of income. Why does Professor Pete always look like he smells of old bourbon, stale cigarettes and general funk? Why would Patrick be friends with him? How could Georgie manage to sit near him for more than ten seconds?

There comes a point in time when a plastic surgeon needs to be jailed for inflicting something horrible on a person. What ever happened to "first do no harm"? This facelift/chemical peel fiasco is harm! She may be alive, but is it worth it if you need to live life with that face? Do small children run away from her? What is it like to look in the mirror? Is her face too tight to even gasp in horror at her own visage?

There are times over the course of a GH episode that I am feeling even more unkind and unpleasant than I am usually feeling, and in those times, I sincerely wonder if the actor who is playing Spinelli is wearing a mask and a wig and will one day rip it off and expose a brilliantly beautiful Adonis. Because he defies explanation. And yes, I realize I am going to hell. I've made peace with it.

I sometimes wonder if people are competing to see exactly how much makeup they can put on a petite pretty woman. That's, like, $9,700 worth of Nars cosmetics.

Then there is Antoinette Patterson Chandler "Quartermaine", also known as "Skye", also known as "the one woman army trying valiantly to bring back the wardrobe of Blanche Deveraux".

I love the AMC version of Skye and I think Robin Christopher is beautiful, but I have a hard time watching Skye's GH scenes because (a)they are pointless (b)she should be bonding with Adam Chandler, damn it and (c)the outfits she wears are actually offensive and should be punishable by law.

It defies explanation. Her wardrobe is hideous, perpetually outdated and ages her by several decades.

Then there is someone on staff with either a hat fetish or a sick sense of humor. Hats, when worn properly, can be cute. Ish. On some people. Like Victoria Rowell. Or maybe only on Victoria Rowell. These hats? Are so not right.

Putting Maxie in a babushka is not going to make people forget that she is a homewrecking, pill addicting skank. It's not like anyone is going to say, "Oh, my kindly German grandmother has that same crocheted hairnet and she's nice, so now I love Maxie!"

Lulu's hat is an ill-fitting atrocity. It's like the hat itself is saying, "I'm completely ugly and haven't been in style since Justin and Britney were together and I'm a plaid newsboy hat, for god's sake, I'm the type of thing an elderly cab driver wears and I'm trying to get off of her head and save her the embarrassment of being seen in this but she's just not letting me".

There are some bright spots. Like, um, three of them. In the entire cast. But three is better than nothing, no?

I own this sweater! No lie. When I saw Robin wear it, I actually jumped up and down in my room saying "I have that sweater!" That, too, is also not a lie. It's super comfortable and I love it. I am also loving Kimberly McCullough's hair color.

Jane Elliot rules, and this color is perfect on her. I am consistently confused and offended by the cracks about Tracy's appearance, because she's far more attractive than most of the people mentioned above.

Do you think Becky Herbst ever gets overwhelmed by how perfect looking she is? I wonder if it's difficult to have such perfect hair, and such glorious skin and that completely elegant bone structure. It must be exhausting.

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

- Promising Ingénue


You know how years ago there was that chick in New Jersey who would have a grand mal seizure or something if she walked past a TV with Mary Hart on it? I blacked out for a while on Wednesday night and I'm pretty sure it was a fugly-hat-induced lack of consciousness. Lulu's newsboy montrosity followed moments later by Maxie's babushka was just too much. My brain could not process it all and had to take a break. I hate to sound like a broken record, but for god's sake, we watch soaps for the pretty people. Or at least moderately attractive people wearing pretty clothes! It's not complicated; even the idiots who run GH should be able to figure it out. Whoever is in charge of buying Liz's handbags should be put in charge of all wardrobing there.

And as you know, I totally agree about Becky Herbst. It's entirely unfair how beautiful she is. Kimberly McCullough is also adorable, and Jane Elliot looks ten times better than her contemporaries who have been pulled and lifted to the "I am continually surprised" point.

I always fast forward through Sonny scenes and am horrified at that outfit. I loved the Blanche Deveraux reference. This is my first time reading your site and I must say, it's incredibly entertaining. Keep up the great work!

I thought Carly's blinged-out Trailer Park Barbie look fit the character - hideous, loud, obnoxious, nouveau-riche trailer trash.

Too bad the incompetent hacks in charge wouldn't let Carly be portrayed/treated as she really is instead of insisting she's some "braveandstrongandloveswithherwholeheart" heroine.

Ms Chicklet, I completely agree about Carly. Her wardrobe works for her, and I'd love it if they let her totally embrace her trailer trash roots. I think Laura Wright would actually be awesome with it; for once, her shoutiness would actually work!

Oh, kill me! You have been reading my mind, right and left. Most of the supposedly "gorgeous" people on GH are just hideously dressed by GH's Tawny Madison. Fortunately, now that she's moving back to UberVillain from just Luke Spencer's Cuckolded Wife, Tracy is beginning to look fabulous again. It's about time. So adding your RSS to my LJ account. MinervaFan

Oh man! I totally agree with most of what you said! I think the prettiest people on the show are Becky, Kimberly and Jane. I also think that Kent is beautiful as well. And Robin, is beautiful, but her wardrobe is not! Hehe!

I consider Rebecca Herbst to be in the top 5 most beautiful women on earth list.

I don't really have an official top 5 list in mind, although I would also put Maria Menounous on that list as well.

IMO Rebbeca Herbst is heaven on earth to look at!

Natalia Livingston is stunning also.

Kelly Monaco is not only very pretty, but she may have the greatest body in the world?

I loved Kirsten Storms when she was on Days, she's still very beautiful of course, but it's hard to find Maxi attractive these days.


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