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« It Can't All Be Praise | Main | The Day's Dumbest Dialogue »

January 03, 2007

GH Giveth...And GH Taketh Away

Ohmigod, you guys! Remember how we specifically asked, in our charmingly stalkerish way, for Dr. Patrick Drake to be shirtless more often? Someone totally listened and felt it only fair that we start 2007 off right with shirtlessness.

So then we were like, "Are they granting all of our wishes?! This is awesome" and we got our hopes up, in the first 72 hours of the year, that 2007 was going to rule. Rule!

But whoever read our pleas for near naked doctors got to the part where we wanted veteran characters to have some screentime and they pretty much told us to go to hell.

I haven't had a chance to watch today's episode, yet, so I went to read the TV Guide summary to see if it would be a waste of my time and I was confronted with a bunch of names that seemed...foreign to me.

In Denver, Colleen begins her new job at the daycare center. Meanwhile, Emily cautions Nikolas that he'll have to work hard to convince people he is Colleen's brother. Elizabeth has a nightmare about losing both Jason and Lucky once the truth comes out. Rodriguez questions Sonny about a major mob rival. Across town, Lorenzo gives Skye some insight into his family's business dealings. Kelly reassures Elizabeth that her unborn baby wasn't harmed by her bout with hypothermia. Dillon disapproves when Lulu continues to prey on Milo's obvious crush. Watching her sister toil over research for Pete's book, Maxie prods an annoyed Georgie to admit she's hot for teacher. Carly complains to Max about Sonny's refusal to accept the fact that she's going to marry Jax. Spinelli suggests to an amused Lulu that Dillon is jealous of her flirtation with Milo. Maxie coaxes Lucky to adopt a stray pup she rescued from the cold. Emily and Nikolas decide to alter their cover story during the search for Spencer. Skye runs interference for a grateful Lorenzo when the police arrive at his door. Carly coaches Milo in how best to romance Lulu. Epiphany reads Dillon and Spinelli the riot act after catching them hacking into the hospital's computer.

It's just--I mean--I could probably give a thorough calculus lesson before I could explain the total aversion this show has to focusing on contract actors. Like, when they told Tristan Rogers that they didn't know what storyline to put Robert Scorpio--the Robert Scorpio--in. They can't figure out what to do with Robert Scorpio, but they have to make sure that a loser named Spinelli gets some screentime.

And if I may be shallow for a moment, why can't Spinelli be cute? Why? Aren't soap operas supposed to be safe havens where the public is given good looking people saying good looking things while acting in a good looking way? Is the GH brass so devoted to the 1990s stereotype of all computer people being ugly perverted losers in their mothers basement that they give this random sketch a role? Because I can think of no other explanation for this person being cast and on my television every single day

Are there people who would actually rather see murderers' bodyguards being socially inept instead of the Quartermaines? I know that Max and Milo have always entertained me and left me wanting more, but is this a common sentiment?

I'm really trying to understand the idea that watching Robin and Patrick for more than half an hour monthly is some sort of chore, but watching a budget retread of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle is totally scintillating. I mean, the movie came out 15 years ago, how many spins on the evil nanny story can they be? Are they just trying to impress us with the fact that they know that there's a state called Colorado? Way to go, Guza!

Then there's Kelly, quite possibly daytime's worst doctor outside of Lexie on Days of Our Lives. Sure she hasn't declared the entire town dead when they were really alive (...yet), but she's completely allergic to the idea of confidentiality. And it bugs me, because it's such a lazy way for secrets to be spilled (although if poor dumb Lucky is the only one who doesn't know Liz's secret , is it still a secret or is it "The poor dumb husband is the only one who doesn't know, so shhh"?) and the actress is just so annoying.

Detective Cruz Rodriguez doesn't bug me too much, because it's always nice to see a cop on this show who isn't a doofus or corrupt, but why can't, say, Mac be onscreen once in a while? I mean, John J. York is on contract, so you're paying him to...sit around and slum it in Nickelodeon movies? That's cost effective...and stupid.

And Epiphany. Damn Epiphany. I do believe that this woman is my nemesis. She was funny on Seinfeld, but I cannot deal with her here. I cannot. They are so obviously trying to make her the Dr. Bailey of this show but in the words of the show they are cribbing off of: SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY! Dr. Bailey isn't a mob apologist who is rude to everyone she comes into contact with and she certainly doesn't berate cancer patients and, brace yourselves--Chandra Wilson can actually act. Epiphany is useless and horrible and I hate her. It's not like they don't already have a nurse on contract. I'm pretty sure there's a character named Bobbie? Who's a nurse? And who has been with the show since the 70s? I get that Jackie Zeman's face scares small children, but come on. COME ON! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! THIS SHOW IS TURNING ME INTO A WILL FERRELL SNL SKETCH EXCEPT I'M FAR LESS HAIRY.

Honestly, calculus is looking pretty understandable right now, wouldn't you say?

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa

- Promising Ingénue


This blog? Is totally my main source of entertainment this winter. Thank you!

God, I hate Spinelli/Spumoni/Spaghetti/Whattheheckever. He's Guza's mouthpiece, telling us over and over again how Sam is a "goddess." Guza needs that because he hasn't shown us that, and his writing of Sam as a selfish, pathetic, whining, baby-obsessed, weak, destructive skank has made many fans turn against his pet. We're still not buying it. Goddesses don't reek of cheap Members Only leather jackets, powder burns and their stepdaddy's spunk.

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