Serious Ugly

You may have noticed Serial Drama's unusual silence on the matter of Days of Our Lives and wondered, since there is so much to snark on (MARLENA!), what the story is. The story, my friends, is that due to the unfortunate SoapNet programming that schedules General Hospital directly before Days, I am often blind before I am able to watch the goings on in Salem. Because everything on GH is staggeringly, staggeringly ugly.

I will start with the incident that caused Evil But Twinless and I to have simultaneous nervous breakdowns. It's not bad enough that she was pregnant with and then miscarried a pillow after breaking up a marriage and keeping someone hooked on drugs, she had to go to the extreme in being bad and bust out yet another babushka.

Where would a person purchase not one, but two, babushkas? I mean, let's not even wonder why a person would want to own two babushkas, let's just suspend disbelief and believe that someone is seriously jonesing for a crocheted hat. Where do you go to get one? The same place where she purchased her hideous scarf? I can only assume that these were bought from someone who lives in a box on the street. And is that a pleather jacket? Explain this to me. How can someone be part Wet Seal and part Fiddler on the Roof? How?! Help me understand.

I do love how unapologetically skanky she was in Kelly's after being caught lying about her pregnancy and miscarriage. She was all, "Yeah, I'm basically a lying whore. And to celebrate this, I am going to wear a spaghetti strap dress in the middle of winter. Wooo!"

Her sister is faring no better in the wardrobe department. They have totally sucked the fun out of Georgie. I mean, I am using the term "fun" loosely, as I have always believe that Georgie was little more than Robin Scorpio: The Sequel, but she and Dillon were cute in the beginning of their relationship and even when she was doing boneheaded things like skinny dipping with Diego, you knew she was just a dumbass teenager. We've all been there. But lately, it's like they've SORASed her to her late 40s and are making her dress the part. She's cute! She should be wearing cute things! I've seen better dressed elderly secretaries.

Note to Sonny's lawyer: it's no longer 1987. You can leave the power bitch look behind. Thanks!

When I go to visit my mobster baby daddy in the hospital, I often wear huge earrings that were clearly purchased on QVC along with a shapeless gray nightgown last seen on the set of Dynasty. It's a somber enough look that you are obviously conveying sadness over your paramour's near death experience while also being so completely ugly that no one will want to look at you, thereby making the recuperating process completely private.

Remember when Sam had brain surgery and she came out with even thicker hair and a dark tan? It was like Patrick is an world renowned brain surgeon and also a weaveologist. That was awesome. I will grudgingly give props for the realism here while at the same time taking off points for Ted King's continuing lack of upper lip. What is with that? I feel bad for complaining about it again since it's not his fault, but I just don't get it.

Sometimes, all you can say is "..."

So you're looking at Robin all, "Looking cute! Regular sex with Patrick Drake does wonders for a girl's hair and skin" until the camera pans down and you realize that she is wearing something that looks alarmingly like FORMAL SHORTS. The internet was as horrified as I was and immediately destroyed all photographic evidence of it, but I believe they were what caused Lainey to echo my facial expression.

Seriously! It was like she was wearing culottes and there is no excuse for that. I mean, even if you were in a fire and lost everything in your house except for a suitcase of clothes from the early 90s, it would still be wrong to put those shorts on.

QUESTION: What is the quickest way to take the dream off of a dreamboat?
ANSWER: Put him in a vest.

In my conspiracy addled mind, I often imagine that Steve Burton is continually threatened by how dreamily, gorgeously hot Jason Thompson is and complains to those in charge that he will simply not have someone upstage him in the hot department, conveniently forgetting that the hot department shut their doors to him sometime around 1998 and the producers are all, "What can we do?!?!" and they realized that vests were the best way to go. And they were right, the vest brought him down to a 97.3% on the hotness scale. Well played, evil bitches. Well played.

Black t-shirt and jeans is soap code for "Rebel; doesn't play by the rules; often kills regularly". For real! Jason here, Brad and Victor on Y&R, John on Days.

The most tragic outfit of the week was Liz's jacket. It may have ruined my whole year, and it is only January 20th.

It's like she stepped onto the set of Good Times, got a little cold and decided to use the couch to make a coat, complete with puffy sleeves. It's what would happen on a bad sitcom if the kindly main character agreed to let her partially blind neighbor make a dress for her and felt too bad to admit that it was a complete eyesore so she wore it in public. It's so hideously, horrifically, unrelentingly ugly that I almost think Becky Herbst should be jailed.

It's not all bad, I guess. It's mostly bad, but not all bad.

I'm sorry, Kristina is simply the cutest child on television these days. I love her. There is no way that she is Sonny's child.

How dapper is Detective Rodriguez?! I enjoy his presence lately, mostly because he's not an idiot and it is so nice to see a cop on this show who isn't a fool.

I would like to take a moment, spurred on by a recent Law & Order: SVU repeat, to say: I miss Taggert. I do. I adored the way he obsessively hated Sonny and blamed everything that went wrong in Port Charles on Sonny and Jason. "I broke a nail". "I'll make sure you do time for this, Corinthos!"

Losing the newsboy cap has done wonders for Lulu! She looks adorable. As a fellow fivehead, I am in full favor of the bangs. I'm not so much in favor for how sloppy the Rick Webber storyline is going, but I guess that was so obvious that it didn't need to be said.

Laura Wright may not have an indoor voice, but she does have some great hair.

See how pretty Kelly Monaco looks when her makeup isn't applied with heavy machinery and when she doesn't wear gross leather? She's beautiful. I am a big fan of Sam's makeunders.

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[Anonymous]

I love when you guys (girls?) hate on GH.

[Izzi]

Laura and Kelly's hair rocks!!