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« Spin This Off, Losers | Main | More Like Lynn Marie LAMEham »

February 12, 2007

Gag Me With a Spoon

As a devoted fan of The Facts of Life (that might be the saddest sentence ever typed), I'm well versed in the idea that one must take the good, take the bad, take them both and then you have the facts of life.

But Tootie never prepared me for what happens when you take the good, and then the bad is not only bad, but gut churningly, offensively, horrifically, tragically, campily, terrible. If you take them both, I'm pretty sure you have a chemical reaction.

Days of Our Lives
has the good: it has Steve and Kayla, who continue to have unparalleled chemistry in all that they do, and Sami, and the surprisingly adorable Chelsea and Nick (if you had told me last year that I would have wound up loving Chelsea and Maxie on GH, I would have laughed in your face and then made fun of your shoes), and the hot-yet evil-yet hot EJ and the surprisingly good new/old Philip and even crazy Willow, who seems like she'd cut you just for fun.

And Days also has the aforementioned gut churningly, offensively, horrifically, tragically, campily, terrible. I think we all know that I speak of John and Marlena.


I don't get John and Marlena. I have never gotten John and Marlena. When their fans staged an enormous protest when they were all too briefly written out last summer, I was confused and fascinated and wanted to study them in for an anthropological paper.

I've never liked Marlena, I think, due to a combination of missing her glory days where she was actually, like, good, and residual anger over the fact that she was possessed by the devil and made my show a laughingstock to the entire world. I also concluded, through nothing based in reality, that Deidre Hall is a bitch.

Drake Hogestyn, in his own simple way, rules. I firmly believe this. The man has no acting talent whatsoever and has a face devoid of all substance, but when he commits to something, he commits to it, even something like dressing as a murderous nun. I respect that.

So I'm trying to understand the thought process the writers go through when they decide that half of a supercouple spends sweeps in a coma. First it was Kayla, and at least Stephen Nichols is brilliant enough to emote opposite someone unconscious. Deidre Hall is not. When paired with master thespian Drake Hogestyn, it's easy for her to come across as a talented actress, much like Christie Clark looked Emmy worthy opposite Austin Peck, but with everybody else, including people in comas, she's really cheesy. She squints in lieu of actual emotion and she gasps and she moans pornographically and she delivers every line with misplaced emphasis and emotion and she's pretty much horrible, so the past few days of her angst filled monologues and the stuff I have nightmares about.

And also, what if Drake Hogestyn forgets to breathe when he's not being filmed? I worry!

He's like, "What do I do? It's so different than usual!" Look at his poor furrowed brow! I mean, in all fairness, nobody, not even, like, Peter Bergman and Nancy Lee Grahn could make some of this dialogue work.

Marlena: I don't care what anybody says. I heard you. Not just in my head. I heard you. And now I know that you're in there fighting. And I'm fighting, too. And I'm not gonna leave your side. Not until we find a way to connect. There has to be a way. There just has to be a way.
John: Dreams. Come to me in dreams. Dreams. Dreams. Dreams.   [ Door banging ]  
John: Marlena, open the door. I'm here. I'm right here.  
Marlena: John, it is you.  
John: I'm waiting.   [ Door banging ] Marlena, the door. Open it and come to me.  
Marlena: John, just keep talking and I'll follow your voice. John! John!  
John: Light.  
Marlena: Where are you?  
John: In the light. Cross the threshold and take my hand. Into the light, doc. Come into the light.  
Marlena: No. John, I don't understand. I don't know where this is. Is this... is this heaven? Are you... oh, dear lord. John, are you dead?
Marlena: Answer me. I'm scared.  
John: Don't be.  
Marlena: John, are you --  
John: No. You know I'm not. I love you, Marlena. Just...take my hand.  
Marlena: Don't let go of my hand. Hold me tighter. Tighter.  
Marlena: John...where are we? What is this place?  
John: Everywhere. Nowhere. The place between here and there. Life, death, waking, and dreaming.  
Marlena: How?  
John: You know the answer to that.  
Marlena: Love.  
John: Makes anything happen. You taught me that. Love makes anything possible, makes...anything real.  
Marlena: John, could I -- John: Touch me? If I let go of your hands right now...  
Marlena: Maybe one? Maybe just one hand? Oh. Mmm.  
John: What do you feel?  
Marlena: I feel...warm. I feel you. You're real.  
John: Yes, I am real.  
Marlena: I'm sorry. I'm just not --  
Yes, you are. You're very sure.  
Marlena: Maybe -- oh -- maybe if you could kiss me...then I'd know for sure. If I could just feel that.  
John: Do you feel this?  
Marlena: Yes, I do.  
John: Do you feel this?  
Marlena: Yes.

I...I feel violated. ... I mean, really, who thought people would want to watch this? Please, make it stop!

- Promising Ingénue


I fast-forward through all of Marlena and Comatose John's scenes. Watching in high-speed as Deidre gasps while Drake well, does whatever it is he's going for, is hilarious. I highly recommend it.

And it doesn't matter if you watched when they got together, back in the day - I did, and they're still unwatchable these days. I honestly think Deidre Hall is a big part of the reason for that; her performances these days are cartoonishly terrible. Drake's been awful all along, but she's on a downward spiral of overacting.

Is it wrong of me to wish they would simply write Marlena out of the show? I try to respect others who love ships I do not...such as Shelle, EJami (I love EJ & Sami, but not together), and Max/Mimi. Though I don't care for these, I respect a person's right to support them.

I do not, nor never will, understand anyone even LIKING Marlena and her with John. Their acting is atrocious, their scenes are written poorly and their facial expressions lead me to crack up laughing!

LOL!! Forgot to add, I'm such a Facts of Life fan!

Can I say I love this article but Drake does has a few good qualities.....especially when shirtless so I think he could stay but PLEASE write out Marlena. Deidre thinks she's really cool and good like when she was a decent star back in the 80's, but I agree the possession storyline and such have diminished her power GREATLY. I think she must think she's still back in the 80's when people liked her bunches and can't figure out it is a new decade and century for that matter.

Figure it out and perhaps actually work on getting a few skills back Deidre.

How can anyone say that Steve and Kayla are not popular and thath they have no chemistry???? They are one of the most loved super coupoles on DOOL! THey were in the past and still are and are the future of DOOL! Ever since the two returned to the show, the ratings have picked up. They have many, many fans out there and speaking as one of the biggest, I am glad to see them back and if they were ever to leave, DOOL's rating would fall! Forever Steve and Kayla!

Hi, I just discovered your blog! Normally, I like to just laugh at Marlena and her gaspiness, but these scenes actually made me mad. I don't watch soaps in order to be intellectual but I felt like my intelligence was being insulted when I was watching this. The writers should realize that if they're going to do something like this, a light touch is needed. If the dream had taken place in the hospital room and they had played it for realism (the viewers don't know it is a dream until Marlena wakes up) it would have been so much better. Then Marlena could dismiss it from her mind, until she learns that Steve has been tortured, and then she would remember the dream and say, "This might be crazy, but ..." etc. This whole scenario is the worst thing I've seen Hogan do and plays to the DH's biggest weaknesses (lack of acting ability, heh).

Okay. I'm a J&M/DH fan. I'll admit it. But this was hilarious, even as a fan. You pretty much hit the nail on the head...

And on your assumption that Deidre Hall is a bitch. You'd be right. I met her once back in 05. And she was very stuck up. Wouldn't sign a pair of jeans, but Drake would. He's all about his fans, as Deidre is a bit distant. She has a few fans that practically stalk her, but other than that, she hardly attracts new fans.

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Will somebody wake me when Patch and Sweetness leave the building? Thanks!

I'd hate to admit it in the presence of current company, but I'm a John and Marlena fan. But I'm starting to think it's only because John is a part of the couple.

That being said, I laughed my ass off during this dream sequence stuff. I laugh more during their scenes than any other couple on the show. And I find this blog quite entertaining.

I realize this post is two years old and that to your joy these two are not on the show anymore, but I felt the need to chime in.

Really nice blog!!! i love the story despite be sad or happy. it chatch my attention becaus i usually want to know what could be the end of the story .

we'll end up with another Carl AKA Jennifer Bransford in that the actress will be a rookie and incapable of filling such awesome shoes.

really this is just sad and immature. to harp on two soap legends like this like they care what you think! newsflash, they don't! it makes me sad for you that your life is so lacking and that you have clearly never had romance in your life because then you would understand the passion these two have for each other! there is no love in this world like john and marlena have for each other and i think stupid opinions like this need to be kept quiet!

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