Heffa, Please

I've been sick and sleeping tons the past couple of weeks, and have been recording all of my soaps, which allows me to watch them as God intended: with the ability to fast forward. It's blissful. The Young and the Restless is now only, like, four minutes long.

Like I predicted weeks ago, the promising start to GH's February sweeps has turned into the type of sweeps GH always produces: dumbassedness mixed with veteran killing multiplied by Jason/Carly/Sonny saving the day. It has led to hours of me screaming "Heffa, please!" at my television, then feeling shame for being crazy and then getting angry at Bob Guza for making me crazy.

That is not to say that this sweeps stunt is totally without positive attributes, because there are some things that I really have been enjoying. Patrick continues to be a gem and Jason Thompson gets to showcase a softer side, which is always dreamy. Natalia Livingston has actually been emoting without me laughing at her. I cannot believe that I am saying this, since only months ago I was hating her with a passion, but Maxie is hilariously awesome and I want to see more of her locked in the vault with Three. Most shockingly of all, Sam shows signs of life. It was rough for a while there, with the tears and the yelling and the creepy way she stared at Elizabeth that suggested she wanted nothing more than to take Elizabeth's baby and implant it into her own broken uterus, but I'm starting to see something in her that looks suspiciously like a backbone and an ability to think quickly.

But, like I said above, much of this show falls under the "Heffa, please" heading.

Public Enemy #1 at the moment is the creature attempting to pass herself off as Skye. I'm sorry, but no. The Skye who was all alcoholic and damaged and scheming and awesome on All My Children is in no way the character that goes by her name on GH. The AMC version was obviously troubled-she was in an AIDS hate group and tried to burn Cindy's house down! She was obsessed with Edmund! Paternity test switching ahoy!-but she was compelling. She was a crazy bitch, but the GH version is just an asshole. Remember when she got so jealous of Alan giving Emily attention that she got her to leave town? What the hell? I know Skye always wanted to be loved and accepted, but that was just bizarre.

So, given her asshole tendencies since relocating to Port Charles, it was unsurprising to see her blame Patrick for everything that was wrong in the world from Lorenzo's disorientation to the hostage crisis to the fact that Mandy Moore only makes terrible movies, but it made me angry all the same. I mean, sure, I'd probably be a bit befuddled if my significant other's doctor performed brain surgery in half an hour before hightailing it out of the hospital, but he was going to make sure the love of his life wasn't dying, not going home to watch curling. And please, if Lorenzo had to use a machine gun on a crowd to make sure Skye was okay, she'd be all "Oh, Lorenzo, fatherofmychild, you're so romantic! We're going to be so happy together! Let us step gingerly over these corpses and celebrate with Lila Rae!"

Thanks to you, Lorenzo can't share that important information that could have set those hostages free. And even if you come out of this with your medical license intact, some innocent people very well might die. And that will be on your conscience forever.

Bitch, please. None of this would have happened if Lorenzo wasn't a mobster. There would be no illegal information and there would be no meeting with Sonny that would cause him to be shot in the head (unless, of course, he was giving birth to Sonny's child), so please take your hypocrisy and totally misplaced righteousness and shove them through your door knocker earrings

And seriously, what is she wearing? I've complained about her wardrobe in the past, but those outfits were merely eyesores, this is a crime against humanity. It's like an ill-fitting corset made of tinfoil, but not even regular tinfoil, just tinfoil you'd find at the dollar store. I am boggled. This means that someone designed this travesty, then another person bought it for the GH wardrobe department, then another put it on Robin Christopher who is far too good for this outfit and this show in general, then Robin Christopher didn't quit as soon as she laid eyes on it, then the director said that the all-encompassing uglitude wouldn't detract from the scene, then all of her co-stars made it through their scenes without vomiting. How is that possible?!

How?!?!

Okay, Lulu. I get it. You want to clear your mother for the murder of her stepfather. I understand. But Alan is OBVIOUSLY ill and most likely DYING and you start SCREAMING at him. You're treating him like he's Alexis! Jesus Christ.

She was all, "Eh, whatever, die" to Alan and then a minute later (seriously, did the editors screw up?) she was running around all torn up because she couldn't tend to Sonny fast enough. Vom.

That leads me to another glaring failure of sweeps: we have to watch this greasy douchebag decide if he should take a pill or not for hours. We have to watch him stumble about town not looking anyone in the eye as they confide random things in him while he stammers in reply. We have to watch, in excruciating detail, his stalking--oh, sorry, "romantic courtship" of Carly. We watch every single moment of his life--the life of an abusive, vile, smarmy, immoral career criminal, no less--but we don't get to see him get beaten up.

I mean, for the love of God, I had to sit through a scene where NewDoctor and Freaking Epiphany sparred with one another, showcasing the acting skill of a kindergarten production of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", but I can't see Sonny get punched in the face. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I loved when Nikolas stood up all prince like to Mr. Craig and was all, "I am the heir to the Cassadine fortune and will give you each a million dollars if you let Robin go" and Sonny stole his thunder with "I'm important in this town". You're only important to people in town because you've gotten half of them knocked up, so shut up and sit down and let me see you get punched in the face, damn it.

Oh! And then there was the line Spinelli said about Jason that disturbed me so much that I repressed the memory of it, because I thought that thinking about it more would cause my brain to break and I can't afford to have half hour long brain surgery and ohmigod, who writes this show?

But when it comes to good versus evil, you're definitely on the side of the righteous

THE MAN KILLS PEOPLE FOR A LIVING! KILLS! PEOPLE! FOR MONEY! HE'S DONE IT FOR YEARS! THE KILLING! OF PEOPLE! FOR PROFIT! The idea that Jason is some glorious hero saving the world from evil is disgusting and enraging and baffling and ludicrous and disheartening and awful, and Steve Burton just blinked rapidly in response to the line and I swear it was Morse Code and he was saying "I haven't actually worked for my paycheck in six years! Ha ha! Suck on it, haters!"

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[OceanReed]

Couldn't agree with you more. I personally think that poor Robin Christopher is being subjected to Guza et. al's angst about her getting pregnant and having to keep her on (trying to avoid another Kari Wuhrer fiasco). Dollar store tin foil along with crappy story is the best revenge they can give Skye.

[Evil But Twinless]

I hoped you were kidding about the Spinelli comment on Jason. Jesus, what is wrong with this show? Where is the moral compass?!

Also, Skye and Carly are battling it out for worst wardrobe, and viewers' corneas are the collateral damage.