Update: I Still Hate This Show

THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN WATCH JAX BECOME A SAD, COLD SHELL OF A ONCE AWESOME CHARACTER AND WATCH THE DEATH OF ALAN QUARTERMAINE BECOME ALL ABOUT JASON

1. Buy a Taylor Hicks album
2. Admit to the public that I do, in fact, subscribe to US Weekly
3. Swear off shopping for a month
4. Take Physics again
5. Gouge my eyes out with a spork

In case my hours of bitching have not made it clear, I despise a lot about General Hospital and the way Jill Farren Phelps & Co. choose to be. It hit me quite strongly during yesterday's episode, when, on multiple occasions, I found myself sputtering at the television set, unable to speak in coherent sentences, as if I were, like, Sonny or something. If I had barware next to me at the time, I so would have tossed it angrily at someone!

The completely amateur way the "writers" have elected to create a Sonny/Carly/Jax triangle is pathetic, hilarious and nonsensical. It's like, "Let's rewrite the Sonny/Brenda/Jax triangle and just ignore the fact that Jax would never have anything to do with Carly and we'll try to pretend that there is some sort of reason for Carly to willingly fall back into a relationship that is, for all intents and purposes, abusive and, aside from that, completely played out because we've been doing it since 1998 and the fact that Jax will yet again be a loser is a totally awesome bonus. High five!".

The fact that the words "It was terrifying, and it was awful, and I sat in that hotel hour after hour with a gun to my head, wondering how you could be gone so long if you really loved me" actually came out of Carly's mouth left me speechless. So the fact that Carly slept with Sonny is Jax's fault, as is the hostage situation at the Metro Court (?) and probably even the fact that Jennifer Hudson wore a gold bolero jacket to the Oscars. Sorry, but I distinctly remember her being totally okay with Jax needing to go to Siberia or whatever to save his brother, so for her to be angry that his Spidey Sense didn't alert him that his fiancee couldn't fend off the charms of a greaseball for two months is just insane. Two whole months! Jesus, Jax, what were you thinking?! That's just plain unreasonable!

And then there was her brilliant segue into admitting that she and Sonny were married. Actually, I have to give the writers a teensy amount of credit for having it come out in the open now, because I was envisioning months of hilarious Friends-like situations where Jax comes perilously close to finding out the truth about Sonny and Carly but Chandler makes a hysterical quip that distracts him so the secret is safe.

But, I just have to say that in my line of work (professional dream crushing), there's a thing we like to call "easing into an unpleasant topic". And easing into an unpleasant topic means that, when your fiance confronts you with your infidelity, you start off with pleasantries to then shift into a discussion of how you've broken his heart, you don't bust out with "it's not infidelity when it's your husband." I mean, there's etiquette that goes along with ruining lives.

All I wanted in that moment was for Jax to either kick her in the face or smother her with her hideous garment.

Honestly, what the hell is that? It's all too reminiscent of Sonny's enormous poncho.

Jax should get the hell out of dodge and run away to find his one true love (BRENDA&JAX4EVER) and leave Sonny and Carly to be dysfunctional together because the character was and always will be too good to lose to Sonny Corinthos on a regular basis. But that won't happen, because he's too captivated by Carly's good qualities, like her...um...spunk or whatever, so he's going to let her get away with this even though he left Brenda (his one true love BRENDA&JAX4EVER) at the altar for kissing Sonny, because Sonny will never lose and Jax will never be treated like a successful man. Ever. Because this show blows. Actually, I can see weeks of Carly treating Jax like he's possessive, evil and unreasonable and then Jax will go out of his way to court her and charm her and act like a lovesick idiot.

And then there is Alan's death. Alan's tragic, horrible and completely pointless death. I still don't know why the people running this show feel that it's perfectly acceptable and sensical to kill someone off who has given this show some of the best storylines of its history and who would be celebrating 30 years with the show later in the year. I'm assuming it's because they are all a bunch of stupid bastards, but I can't say for sure.

Alan dying has been making me weep. Now, granted, it doesn't take much for me to weep, but this has had be crying and sniffling whenever the Quartermaines are onscreen and I am guessing that if Leslie Charleson could move her face, I'd be even more moved and cry even harder, but for now, it's all about John Ingle and Jane Eliott, who just rules in ways that I can't even put into words.

Now, I am a registered Jason hater. And I'm open about that. But even I can see through my haze of hatred and realize that, obviously, Jason is going to be a part of this storyline because, even though he treated him like shit for the past ten years, Alan is his father. And that's okay. Ish. If it leads to Jason feeling bad for an iota of a second that he did so much to hurt Alan by being a jackass and helping the mafia steal Michael and killing people for a living. I could get behind a shame spiral storyline. But I won't hold my breath.

And I was totally sad that Alan died without knowing Jason had been there (see: above, re: weeping). I didn't quite get Monica's insistence that Alan not see Jason because of the cut on Jason's face; people get more mangled when they're shaving. Yeah, I know, it was a plot device, but still. So, yeah, anyway, I cried. It was sad. Poor Alan.

But what's not okay is the absolutely ridiculous dialogue that Edward's been saying.

Look, I had so many expectations that Alan couldn't meet, and he turned around and he treated A.J. and Jason the same way. And after the accident, Alan made it very clear that he could not accept the kind of man that Jason had become.

Um, Eddie? Can I call you Eddie? The kind of man "Jason had become" was a cold-hearted mob hitman. A hitman. Killer. Weird that Alan sort of had qualms about his son entering that line of work. And what's really funny is that like, just a few months ago you yourself raged about the kind of man that Jason had become! The cold-blooded killing kind!

I guess I just never understood why all of the Quartermaines except Tracy and Edward on certain days were totally okay with Jason's job. And not just okay, but totally gleeful when he took time out of his busy people killing sprees to treat them like crap. I know family is family, but unless he's using his skills to rid Port Charles of people like Sonny and that damn Epiphany, I could live without having one in my family.

I'm also at a loss as to why this is leading to Jason/Liz bonding moments, rather than moments of Jason bonding with the woman who urged him to reconnect with his family. What's her name? The cute tiny one? Oh, right, Robin. And why can't we see her reaction to losing Alan? They loved each other. But if it doesn't involve Jason's holy spawn, I guess it's not worth discussing. Sigh.

I demand a montage, people. A huge montage that will make me cry and sigh and cry some more, because Stuart Damon deserves it. Alan Quartermaine was a wonderful character who he always played perfectly and GH won't be the same without him.

 

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[MinervaFan]

You speak my words, you hear my thoughts! Are you part Betazed? Because I'm 100% sure that you just ripped these words right out of my head!

[Anonymous]

All true.

And can someone suggest to Carly that 'do you think you can past my sleeping with Sonny' should have been, "Can you ever forgive me for betraying you?"

Silly me. Carly doesn't have to ask for forgiveness. Yet, Jax, who did nothing wrong took blame on himself?

I. Hate. This. Show.

[oakley frogskins]

Silly me. Carly doesn't have to ask for forgiveness. Yet, Jax, who did nothing wrong took blame on himself?