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« A Ghost?! A GHOST?! | Main | I Love the Smell of Schadenfreude in the Morning »

March 11, 2007

Behind the Scenes

In Los Angeles, there is a cushy corner office with a glorious view. Mahogany desk, plush carpeting, framed autographed posters of Steve Burton. The works. Behind the desk sits Bob Guza, writing notes for the upcoming months of "General Hospital".

There is a knock at the door

Guza: Come in.
Kelly Monaco: Sorry, Bob, am I interrupting?
Guza: No, no, come on in. What can I do for you?
Monaco: Well...I just have some questions, about the direction Sam is going in.
Guza: Okay, shoot. Not with a gun, though, cuz that would hurt.
Monaco: ...
Guza: So you were saying?
Monaco: I just--I just want to know who Sam is. I mean, at first she was this scrappy con woman and then it turned out she was doing cons to help her disabled brother and then she was a mafia whore, and then she was kidnapped and force to ballroom dance by some old hag--
Guza: That "old hag" is my lady friend.
Monaco: Oh, I'm sorry. For both of you. And then she was adopted and it turns out Alexis is her mother and now there is this woman with an enormous forehead being creepy to her about her past on tv and--you see what I mean?
Guza: No.
Monaco: It's like I have played ten different characters on this show, and all they have in common is the name Sam McCall. Can't we explore the Alexis/Sam connection? Can you tell me who Sam's father is?
Guza: No.
Monaco: Do you even know who Sam's father is?
Guza: Sorry, I have to take this call. Great suggestions, though, thanks for your input!


Rebecca Herbst: Hey, Bob?
Guza: Becky! Hey! How's it going?
Herbst: Good! Good. I just wanted to go over this script with you. I just don't get this one thing. Who does Liz love? Is it Lucky, or is it Jason?
Guza: It's OBVIOUSLY Jason. Why would she love someone else if she could love Jason? Jason's her first love--
Herbst: Actually, Lucky is her first love--
Guza: Jason is her only love--
Herbst: But she's marrying Lucky again--
Guza: And she's Jason's first and only love.
Herbst: But he's still engaged to Sam, and he was married to Courtney and he loved Robin...
Guza: No.
Herbst: No?
Guza: No.
Herbst: So should I play it like Liz loves Jason and is conflicted and feels that she should love Lucky because they were so important to each other as teenagers?
Guza: Eh, do whatever you want. Try to play it like you love Lucky but you worship Jason.
Herbst: I...don't even know what that means.
Guza: I think you're wanted on set.


Kimberly McCullough: Hi, Bob.
Guza: Kim! The Kim-meister! Kimareeno! How's tricks?
McCullough: ... Guza: What's up?
McCullough: Well, I just got this week's script and...Robin isn't in it at all. Again. For the fourth week in a row. I'm just wondering--
Guza: You are so in it.
McCullough: No, I'm not. Guza: Look at the bottom of page 19.
McCullough: "Lulu, followed by Logan, Dillon, Spinelli and Milo, walks through the hospital corridor. The elevator door opens, but quickly closes before she can get on and run from her suitors"
Guza: You and Patrick are on that elevator! Told you!
McCullough: You know that Robin and Patrick are hugely popular, right? So why not give fans what they want, even for, like, three minutes a week.
Guza: Because there are other stories I have to tell, too. It can't all be about you and Philip.
McCullough: Patrick.
Guza: Who? Can we finish this conversation later? I'm really craving an enchilada.


Tristan Rogers: Bob--
Guza: Sorry, sir, not interested. And, FYI, door to door sales aren't allowed on set.
Rogers: I'm not selling anything, I'm asking you about my job. As Robert Scorpio?
Guza: I...sorry, I don't speak your language. Your accent is really thick.
Rogers: ...we speak English in Australia.
Guza: Really? Well, I'm real sorry that we don't have any stories for Robert. Maybe next year.
Rogers: What about tending to the daughter who was recently shot--
Guza: Honestly, let's have this conversation another time, like maybe never. Security!


Stuart Damon: Guza.
Guza: Stuart.
Damon: What more do you want from me? I give my life to this show for 30 years and you fire me. I get my heart stamped on by you and Jill and you can't even let me go hide in my house and cry for a month or two, you make me come back as a ghost. A wise-cracking ghost. In a track suit. Do you know how humiliating that is?
Guza: Stuart. Stuart. Look, this is what the viewers want. They want more Alan. Ergo, it's time for Ghost Alan.
Damon: Then why not give the viewers Alan when he was alive?
Guza: Because that would have taken time away from important characters. Besides, ghosts are so in right now.
Damon: According to?
Guza: Uh, did you not see the ground breaking story on The Young and the Restless where John Abbott came back as a ghost?
Damon: That sounds dreadful. Did he wear a tracksuit?
Guza: Look, if you don't like the story, take it up with Lynn Marie Latham, she did it first.
Damon: So you're proud to copy other writers?
Guza: Stuart, it's hard sometimes. It's hard to create ground breaking and amazing stories every single day.
Damon: How is this amazing? A ghost story? There is no such thing as ghosts.
Guza: You're kidding, right? Of course ghosts are real. Damon: No, they are not. Guza: I have a ghost in my house! Her name's Gloria Monty and she always whispers vile things to me when I pass her. Vile, hateful things.
Damon: You deserve it.
Guza: So, are we done here?
Damon: I just want you to know that this hurts me. It truly does. To be fired and then be forced to act this out, it's just...hurtful.
Guza: Eh. Damon: You're a sick, sadistic, hack of a bastard.
Guza: That's exactly what Gloria Monty's ghost said to me today!

- Promising Ingénue


Dear Promising Engenue,
LOL!! Well done!! Guza has ruined GH and he deserves to be haunted by Gloria Monte.

If only it weren't so true.

I... I can't even comment I am laughing so hard right now ;)

I seriously think I just fell in love with you! This is the best.blog.ever!

This is amazing! I'm laughing so hard, my husband came from another room to see what was so funny.

Keep up the great work, I love this blog.

well fucking played!

This is brilliant.

You've just officially made me Ghost Gloria Monty's bitch. That was a thing of beauty.

Hilarious and so on point! Absolutely priceless. Guza should seriously read this.

I want a repeat of this idea! That would rock!! You rock!!

can you write storylines for anyone else beside Carly,Jason and sonny?

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