Hysterical Blindness

I am a strong believer in the idea that one can be [insert negative attribute] or one can be [insert a different negative attribute], but one cannot be [insert both negative attributes]. Like, a show can be ridiculously offensive or a show can be horrifically clothed, but a show cannot ridiculously offensive and horrifically clothed. But as with all things in life, GH not only goes against my wishes, but takes my wishes, sets them on fire and then laughs about it.

Since I don't have the energy to rant and rave about how much I hate the fact that Bob Guza can concoct ridiculous stories to keep Mr. Craig around but can't write for Robert Scorpio, or how I hate the fact that Epiphany's sole purpose in life seems to be bugging the everloving hell out of me, or how Scotty's confession to Laura that he killed Rick Webber had me almost hysterical with anger, I will, instead, focus on the clothing choices that had me laughing, crying, and dry heaving all at once.

Carly continues to dress like Sharon Stone's Casino stunt double

Which would be okay if, you know, she actually was Sharon Stone's stunt double, or if it were still the 70s. And then there was this:

What the hell? The Corinthos family has some sort of sick fetish for oversized ponchos. Speaking of Corinthos, is it just me, or has he just thrown his name in the running for heir to the Austin Peck Duh Face race?

Granted, Austin's duh face was always more "I don't get it. And I don't get not getting it. I want a cookie", whereas Sonny's duh face is "I don't get it. Why don't I get it? Goddamnit" and then he'd go off camera and shoot someone.

But back to Carly--it seems to me that poor clothing choices may be intentional, since her onscreen mom always looks...she always looks.

Too revealing? Check. Generally garish? Check. Gruesome plastic surgery rendering her face a mask with eyes about to pop out and injure someone? Check. She's starting to remind me of Ronald McDonald, in the bad way (is there a good way?). It's creepy.

People, please. It's all well and good that you've gotten around to trying to soften Amelia's hairdo a little bit...

...but it's too late. We've all seen the fivehead.

So now, whenever she does something softer or when she introduces bangs, it's just like, "Fivehead's trying to hide her fivehead". And as a fivehead myself, it is okay for me to say these things. It's not okay to have the character of Amelia on the show, though, since she's taking screentime away from people I'd rather watch and is part of "Let's talk about Sam's Past: Part 93".

Oh, hey, Georgie! Remember when you used to be on this show a few days a week? Good times. Why are you wearing my mother's clothes?

I mean, can't they dress her like a college student? Sure, the college student uniform of jeans, sweatshirt and flip flops isn't glamorous, but this is just sad. As is this:

NOTHING ABOUT THAT IS OKAY. NOTHING.

Here I am trying to get into a scene where a confused, put-upon girl tries to confide in her catatonic mother, and I just can't do it. And I usually can't do it because it's so obvious that Catatonic Laura is a doll, but this time I couldn't do it because she's wearing an animal print hoodie last seen on Grandma Yetta in The Nanny.

I'm pretty sure someone is trying to kill Kelly Monaco. First they try to make her die of embarrassment by wearing this ill-fitting track jacket...

and then it turns out that the track jacket is trying to strangle her.

Ask for hazard pay, Kelly!

I interrupt this post to remind you all that it's everyone's favorite time of the day: LET'S BERATE THE CANCER PATIENT!

You tell her, Epiphany! Wooo!

Remember how it was Jax's fault that Jennifer Hudson wore a bolero jacket to the Oscars? That bastard started a trend! Carly should sleep with Sonny again to get even with him.

Really, from far away, Skye's jacket is bad enough because it's short, mustard colored and ugly.

And then you see it up close and it has puffy sleeves and you recoil in horror and wonder what Robin Christopher did in a past life. Was she a thief? A viking? L. Ron Hubbard? Old Mother Hubbard?

So then there was Lucky and Liz's wedding. And I usually LOVE soap weddings, because they are glorious and feature pretty clothes and lots of drama, but I cringed the entire time that wedding scenes were on, partly because I didn't understand Liz's "I think this is a mistake, but it will hurt Lucky's feelings if I call it off" as if him finding out that Jason is the father of Liz's baby won't hurt his feelings at all, and partly because, again, the wardrobe department blows. This is formal wear, Spinelli style:

I love how "The hell?!" Lesley is in that screen cap, but then I saw what she was wearing and I was like, "People in glass houses wearing beaded tapestries shouldn't throw stones..."

I won't even comment on Jason's hair, I will just mention that it made Evil But Twinless collapse in a fit of tears when she saw it.

And then there was Liz's hair. Again, I ask you, what year is it? I was operating under the assumption that it was 2007, but this says otherwise.

I was convinced that her hair was going to eat her.

And seriously, isn't the driving force behind the show these days the fact that Liz is pregnant (with Jason's baby, if you are just tuning in)? Why does she not look pregnant? As Evil But Twinless said, that's not a baby--it's a big meal.

It might actually just be a grape. I don't even know what to say about the short, off the shoulder weirdness going on because I'm so preoccupied about the lack of belly. Is this going to be like the Lifetime Movie where Rita Wilson thought she had three children, but she really had two? Are we going to be treated to scenes of Becky Herbst wildly overacting and introducing Cameron to an empty Baby Bjorn? Don't think Guza wouldn't go there.

There were some bright spots. Three counts as some, right? Greg Vaughn is so cute, you guys. He's so cute that he and Spinelli could trade wardrobes and I'd be like, "How great has Lucky looked lately?!"

And Jason Thompson is even cuter! Why is he not in every single scene every single day? He wouldn't even need to talk in some of them, he could just be there in the background, hotly sitting. Or standing to the side, hotly smirking. Or he could hotly walk through a scene for no reason at all.

I am totally loving Robin's bangs, and not just because I got bangs myself (see above re: fivehead). I also like her hair dark and will give the puffy sleeves a pass because she looks adorable overall.

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[Anonymous]

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

[zarathelawyer]

I agree with pretty much all your assessment, though I'm still not totally sold on Robin's bangs - though I think that's just because I'm not used to them because we see them so infrequently. I made a few comments and Lulu and Sam the day of the awful jackets myself.

As for Liz, her pregnancy has definitely gone backwards since the hostage crisis, which seems rather ridiculous.

[Sarah]

I just found your site a few days ago. It's salvation for those of us who remember how great GH used to be...a very long time ago. Carslut's wardrobe is deserved. She is a hateful ugly bitter psychotic character, and at least her wardrobe reflects that. Blinky's hair is about as attractive as Donald Trump's. I can't believe what has become of his character. He is now everything he claims to hate. I just threw up a little in my mouth thinking about how incredible he used to be back in the beginning of his young life, reborn so to speak. Now he is just a lapdog, with a gun. Dressing Georgie like that was cruel and unusual punishment. I love Robin and Patrick. They get almost zero screen time and little decent work to do, and now TIIC are ruining them w/ Craig? At least let her genes kick in and bust his lousy ass. Or bring back the glory of her parents.....but no. It will just suck and be painful to watch. I miss Amber, but this Natalie is trying to emote. But the Sonny thing leaves me filled w/ icky memories. Her giant fake finger nails alone give me the creeps. Liz used to be a kind and loyal woman. Now she is a regular on screen and as appealing as the evil 3. Sonnyscum, Carho, and Borgboy. Alan even as a stupid ghost, is wondeful. Tracy and Luke have potential. Dragging Laura down w/ this Rick Weber insanity was cruel 4 years ago. Now w/ the Scotty revelation someone should be forced to apologize to us personally w/ big shiny gifts! Love you and this site. Thanks for sharing your hilarious views on GH.

[Sarah]

I almost forgot. The abuse Alexis is forced to endure is so wrong. She is brilliant, and deserves much better. Being saddled w/ Sam was bad enough. But Ric going nutso again and during her chemo? WTF? Maybe TIIC can redeem Jax and save him from his pathetic attatchment to Sonny's exes and bring him back to his pal Alexis. And why can't we get real ensemble work anymore? The whole show isolates characters and totally disrespects history, family, and connections. Lucky was always smart, now they write him like a clueless pretty boy. Granted he is gorgeous! OK, I'm done ranting, keep up the great writing.