Totally Traumatic

For the record, despite my James E. Reilly paranoid freakouts, I am still so super thankful that Megan McTavish got her walking papers, because I don't know how much more I could take of her poorly plotted, heinously conceived storylines before I went completely, drooling, locked up in the psych ward with Janet From Another Planet level crazy.

And I know, okay? I know that I could easily turn the TV off and just not watch. I know. I always tell people that I will probably never not watch General Hospital. It's been a part of my life since I was a newborn. It's like when you're in school and you have a class with a kid you've known since nursery school and they're kind of annoying with their pseudo intellectual outlook on life like they're the first person ever to read Shakespeare, but...you've known them since nursery school. Similarly, I will always be loyal to Days of Our Lives, which I started watching when my aunt, who was in high school, babysat me when I was a wee little ingenue. To continue with the school metaphor, Days is like the kid who eats paste but who can truly hate the kid who eats paste? The odds are so stacked against them that it seems unnecessarily cruel.

I have no such lifelong loyalty to All My Children. I'm a somewhat recent viewer, only tuning in randomly to catch glimpses of Susan Lucci's diva act, who got sucked in by the appearance of Josh Duhamel in leather pants. Remember when he wore leather pants for like two months straight? Can we go back to that time? Those were the days. Anyway, I think I stick with a Duhamelless AMC because I either hate myself or am trying to learn how to raise my blood pressure.

Because, no, okay? No. This show is just a whole lot of No. And, horribly, it seems to delight in its Noishness and in fact goes out of its way to taunt its viewers.

ALL MY CHILDREN: Do you want to see Stuart?
PROMISING INGENUE: I do! I love Stuart!
ALL MY CHILDREN: Well, you can see Stuart...talking about how he wishes Babe were here!!!
PROMISING INGENUE: NOOOOO!

AMC: Do you want to see Kendall and Zach prove that they are meant for each other and no other?
PI: I'd love that!
AMC: That will happen, but...only because they're almost going to be killed by a homicidal maniac who died years ago and was actually cremated!
PI: NOOOOO!

AMC: Do you want to see Krystal in pain because she thinks her child is dead, making her feel the way she and Babe made Bianca feel during Miranda's kidnapping?
PI: PLEASE!
AMC: Okay! But it will only last fourteen minutes! Enjoy it while it lasts! Don't blink or you'll miss it!
PI: NOOOOO!

AMC: Do you want to see a cave faced aborted fetus hold someone captive in the basement of a casino, not letting her reunite with her family and do nothing but talk about how they will run away together and nobody needs to know the truth, in an unsettling way that makes one think of Boxing Helena?
PI: ...no, actually.
AMC: Too bad! That's what's gonna happen! Suck on that!
PI: NOOOOO!

(I mean, seriously, it's not just me, is it? Josh is really uber creepy and stalkerish, yes?)

The thing that drove me to distraction and quite nearly to the type of crazy where one yells gibberish at fictional characters was when Erica said

Look, if I can accept Kendall's marriage to Zach and Bianca's infatuation with that strange musician, I'm sure that I could find a way to tolerate Babe Chandler.

HELL NO. The destruction that Babe has caused the Kane family in particular is too enormous to list, although, obviously, said list would begin and end with "BABYNAPPED MIRANDA AND NEVER GOT PUNISHED FOR IT" and there is just no way Erica should ever find it in her heart to do anything but loathe Babe. She'd rather die...okay, she'd rather Babe die than tolerate her. Call me a cynical hater, but I do not buy her suddenly becoming tolerant of Babe because her "son" loves her. I'm sorry, but her "son" is an insult to the Kane name, whose clenched jaw and monotone and aforementioned stalker tendencies are CREEPY and INSANE and did I mention that he WAS ABORTED in 1973?!?! Erica acts like a cracked out teenager with everybody else, flying into blind rages at Jack because it turns out he wasn't the one sending her tacky Christmas gifts, but she suddenly becomes all human and kind and shit because of Josh? As if.

Please excuse me while I go meditate and attempt to be Zen. Only a few more months of McTavish, only a few more months of McTavish, only a few more months of McTavish....

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[Anonymous]

Yes. Just, yes to everything you said. I don't watch AMC, so much as I catch the previews for the next episode, but everytime I see a scene or two, it is kind of scary.

And why can't Erica hate Josh? Especially, when she got to loathe Kendall for about a decade!

[Anonymous]

I hate Babe Chandler with the fire of 10,000 suns. I agree with all of what you wrote and I think you are hilarious. AMC needs to wise up and kick that trailer trash and her "mama" to the curb.

[Anonymous]

AMC is the show I grew up watching with my mom and I'm now pushing 40. I just had to scream YES!!!! to your entire post.

I wish the babystealing slut, her whoring mama, and her unaborted stalker would all just die tomorrow.

In my wildest dreams, the new headwriter will have the last 3-4 years just be Dixie's comatose dream.

[Anonymous]

I know this is of unrelated, but I saw the words "Babe" and "her mama" and had to say: I think the choices the writers make for Krystal's speech have seeped into their writing for other characters. Did I hear Kendall call Spike babydoll today? Please, PLEASE tell me my ears were playing tricks on me. Please. Anyone?

[Anonymous]

glad mctavish is GONE....let's hope the new writers can give my girl bianca more stuff to do than fast forward into romance with zoe...DONT LIKE THEM AS A COUPLE....bianca needs to be redefined...this is not the bianca i know and love....forgive baby stealing babe but not the one person you love most in the world(besides lil punkin)who admits she screwed up and looks hopeless without you....CALL HER BINX