Are You Kidding Me?!?!

A LIST OF THINGS I FIND EASIER TO BELIEVE THAN THE REVELATION THAT CRAIG IS ACTUALLY JERRY JACKS

1. Kevin Federline showers more than twice weekly

2. Blake Lewis truly deserved to be in the bottom three last week on American Idol

3. Barry Bonds's head has always been that size

4. Sharon Case's hair is all natural

5. Global warming is caused by the Muppets

This effing show.

Every time you think they've thrown their final curveball at you, every time you tell yourself that what they did was so COSMICALLY stupid that they won't be able to top it, General Hospital is all "Suck it, fools!" as they give you the finger and rewrite history with appalling dialogue and a lack of common sense.

For starters, Craig's accent is obviously British. Note to the GH writers: all blondeish men with accents are not necessarily from the same country. I know that geography isn't exactly your strong suit, but there are multiple countries in the world and they have different accents.  British is not the same as Australian.

Oh, but maybe he had an emergency accentdectomy at the same time that he had his radical facial surgery! I all of a sudden find this storyline plausible because of the eighteen second scene where Craig mentioned that he already had plastic surgery. This episode wasn't at all written while the actors were already in their places.

I cannot WAIT to see how they explain this. How is it that Jerry went from being shady in a bumbling way to the sort of cold-hearted person who shoots people in cold blood? Because Jerry was a doofus. He was also guilty of, like, money laundering, but he always did it in a doofy way. So I am having a hard time envisioning this man who loved Bobbie terrorizing Bobbie's daughter, and shooting one of Jax's close friends.

Remember when Carly flat out blamed Jax for the sleeping with Sonny grossness and all that jazz? We all thought she was being a crazy harridan--little did we know that was actually foreshadowing!

That's what kills me the most. Well, maybe not the most, the most would be the blatant disregard and outright hatred the writers have for anybody who's ever watched this show, but second most: this is so going to be Jax's fault. Because his brother apparently turned crazy or whatever, and that means that there is evil flowing through the veins of all people named Jacks. NEVER MIND the fact that Sonny is a career criminal with countless murders under his belt. Because that's okay. Because Sonny only kills BAD people. He would never harm a GOOD PERSON unless they were doing something like living life as a teenage girl who had been molested, or interfering with his plan to raise a child who wasn't biologically his or, you know, breathing. Because Sonny is good. Craig/Jerry is bad, and therefore Jax is bad, and therefore Carly and Sonny are meant to be together forever, being good and hating bad, unless they need to be bad to get something that they want, in which case bad becomes good, until someone else does the same thing, which means it is back to being bad.

And I'm not trying to come across as some huge Jerry or Julian Stone fan because, whatever, he was always sort of useless and his romance with Bobbie was always kind of random (remember when they were videotaped having sex and it was broadcast at one of the Nurse's Balls? Ew), but this is just insane. GH is losing Ted King and they had this villain who they liked and even though he is psychotic and written into a corner, they decided they needed him to replace Lorenzo on the canvas and they picked a name out of a hat for who he could really be and they wound up with Jerry and it's just ludicrous. Would it have been so hard for them to create a new Jacks brother? You know, so that they would save themselves the trouble of totally rewriting history?

Since I'm already all worked up, let me take a minute to say: Sam McCall? How many people is she going to kill?!?! I'm not trying to sound like some uptight loon, but a soap opera heroine doesn't go around killing people! This is her second murder in less than six months. I don't care how bad the people she kills are, that is just screwed up.

And Fivehead got her out of trouble--for killing someone--by threatening to take this tv show out of Port Charles? Because it would make Port Charles look bad?Not that it would make the show's heroic star look like a wackadoo for dating a career criminal whose hitman life leads to evil people stalking her and her killing them, but that it would make the town look bad and unsafe when the whole point of this ridiculous show is that Sam "saved the world"; from a hostage crisis at the local hotel. THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW IS THAT PORT CHARLES IS A DEN OF CRIME WHERE BAD THINGS HAPPEN! HOW COULD ANYTHING ELSE POSSIBLY RUIN THIS TOWN'S REPUTATION?!?! These people aren't even trying to make sense anymore. I could see if Sam got caught shoplifting Wet'n'Wild lipstick from CVS and Fivehead was like, "Mayor, dude, we're filming a show, it could make your city famous," but this is murder! MURDER! Her second murder in less than a year! WHAT THE HELL? And what is Fivehead's revenge plot even about?!?!  "I'll make this girl famous and then I'll get her! She'll feel sooo bad for killing my dad that she'll have to wipe her tears with the royalty checks after this show is sold into syndication."  I don't understand and I don't like feeling that I'm too stupid to be watching this show.

I can't believe I forgot to mention this! On Thursday's episode when Jason and Liz were being BFF at Liz and Lucky's house (which, again, Liz, the best way to avoid further stamping on Jason's heart would be to, I don't know, stop hanging out with him and forcing him to stare at your pregnant belly), Liz was trying to get Cameron to be friendly with Jason and Cameron gave Jason the world's greatest Bitch, Please look.

I love this child. I want him to watch GH with me every day. Because this look? Perfectly describes my attitude towards this entire show. I love it.  "Craig is Jerry Jacks!"  Cameron says...bitch, please. "Sam is a hero!"  Cameron says...bitch, please.  "Guza is Emmy worthy!"  Cameron says...bitch, please.

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[Evil But Twinless]

Hee! I was totally drafting a post about this Craig-is-Jerry assinine ridiculousness, but yours is much funnier. Mine was mostly just paragraph after paragraph of cursing at the writers and thinking of more interesting and heavier shit to throw at my TV screen.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?! Seriously.

I need to adopt the kid who plays Cameron.

[Anonymous]

That picture is priceless. Seriously made me laugh out loud...and not just in the "lol" internet speak for "yeah, that was kinda funny" sense..I literally laughed out loud.

[zarathelawyer]

What?!?!? And again with what?!?!?!

Is this some strange we miscalculated April Fools Day prank?

I can think of approximately 55 million things that would make more sense than that. But at least I am now forewarned.

And what exactly was Jax doing in Siberia or wherever the fuck he was when the hostage crisis was going on if Jerry was in Port Chuck the whole time?

And I also bet that Bobbie still won’t get a story out of this.

Oh, and as an Australian: totally not the same accent. Not that earlier Jerry’s accent was Australian either, but you know what I mean.

Urg.

[courtney]

ICAM with everything you said here, today and every other day. GH really has reached a new low. This blog is one of the best things on the net and I love reading it everyday!!!

[Sarah]

Well it's finally happened. Those presumably long gone cystals from Lumina have reappeared in Port Charles. They are distorting reality beyond reason from Spoon Island and all over town. They've OBVIOUSLY been around for years.

Perhaps their unearthing occured when creature shebeast Carly Caroline Benson Roberts Jones Quartermaine Corinthos Corinthos Alcazar Corinthos Corinthos...soon to be Jax arrived in town almost a dozen years ago. The sheer hideousness of her physical appearance combined with the evil in her soul drew the crystals out from their hiding place.

Casey's goodness and Lumina's peace has never been able to cure her nasty vile wickedness. Instead her darkness has won out over all else and the nearly the entire town is lost in the hellish destruction. It's all so "decent complex characters go dumb and wild"

So to preserve PC and it's few worthy citizens from the apocolypse the crystals are distorting reality to confuse and baffle us all. When Casey returns he will set the town back on an acceptable dramatic romantic and medically related path and clear up the confusion and distortion.

Magically TIIC will vanish the way of Carzilla's bras. Never to be seen or heard from again. Viewers will be rewarded with creative writing and storytelling with respect to history.

As a final slap in the face though TIIC will force us to witness a second dose of Anna & Casey glowy alien sex. Vets must be ignored, killed, and poorly written for...right? I feel bad for Robin. Seems her alien pet in the garage still has the hots for her mother. Oh well, Patrick can console her in that way we all dream about.

Love your site and the awesome commentary! Thanks again for a place to rant.

[Meggan]

I think that it was very rude what was posted about that little boy Cameron Webber under Seriously, I love This Kid. He is a four year old little boy. I'd like it alot if you took it down. That is just very rude and not wanted by anyone.

[Jade]

the picture is very cute
and i think he is a little young to be on the internet
ahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahhah

with kind regards jade atler

[Jade]

the picture is very cute
and i think he is a little young to be on the internet
ahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahhah

with kind regards jade atler