Goody Goody Two Shoes

What's the deal with Belle Black? Is she a robot? Is she actually from the 1950s? Is she a robot from the 1950s? She is, right? Maybe a robot from the 1950s who got sent to present day Salem to wreak havoc on the Bradys, except that her havoc chip was ruined in a tsunami she got stuck in while in Europe, so Evil DiMera Plot #62467 was foiled and BelleBot wound up much beloved by the people of Salem. It would make so much sense. Well, not sense as defined by anybody rational, but, you know, "sense" in the Days kind of way.

Martha Madison is a pretty good actress and seems quite sweet in every interview I've read with her, but she is incapable of generating chemistry with any human being she has encountered on the show. There's no familial chemistry with John, Marlena and Sami, there was never any friendship chemistry with Mimi, and there's zero chemistry with Philip (both incarnations) and Shawn. None. Nothing. There is no there there.

I never enjoyed logic when I was in school, so my understanding of odds is fuzzy, but isn't it a good bet that a person would be able to have some sort of passable chemistry with one out of, say, eight people that they interact with? But she doesn't!

I'm not even asking for scorching romantic chemistry or a sparkling banter that makes you believe that Sami and Belle are real life sisters. All I'm looking for is a sign that she has done the whole "human interaction" thing before at some point in her life. The girl on Small Wonder was better at conveying emotion and reading social cues. It's very strange.

She's not helped by the writing, for the writing staff has apparently decided that Belle is Sandy from Grease. I envision her being the type of person who calls pants "slacks" and considers staying out past 7:30 a raucous night. She's like the good girl from every cheesy afterschool special, if the good girl had been in a loveless marriage and had a child conceived during sex (in a barn! How risque!) that neither she nor her babydaddy remember.

Like I said, I don't understand.

And I especially don't understand the lingerie she wore when she and Shawn finally slept together...again. Hopefully, this time they will remember it. Although, considering what Belle was wearing, forgetting the whole experience seems like it could be the way to go.

She ordered that off of QVC ten years ago, didn't she? It was one of this storyline's many layers of unsexy. Being urged to sleep with someone by your father in your dream? Unsexy. Being urged by your mother to make things right with your alleged soulmate? Unsexy. Jaclyn Smith brand lingerie? Unsexy. Dialogue like " I was thinking maybe you could help me push the beds together. What do you think? It's about time"? Unsexy. Shirtless Brandon Beemer? Okay, so there was one thing that wasn't unsexy. But most of it was!

Comments

Holy sh#t. The small wonder reference was priceless. Forget SOD, you should be writing for SNL.