We Love You, Awesome Writer!

Bob Guza needs to double check his state of the art security system, because it became totally clear that the show's Awesome Writer managed to evade their armed guards, escape their cell and write part of yesterday's show!

Awesome Writer is a rebel. A maverick, if you will, dashing madly from scene to scene ensuring that there is character development, plots that move beyond a glacial pace, family and friends bonding, and a perfect blend of humor and drama. On any other show, all of that might be considered "his job", but on GH, it's going against the grain, taking a stand, chanting "Attica! Attica!"

Like the scenes with Cooper Barrett in them. Over the course of one episode, he managed to express his distaste for Sonny, the mafia, Ric (not that this is new or anything, but I figure that anybody willing to give a good ol' glare to Mr. Lansing deserves props), and the way in which our society as a whole has become desensitized to violence. To hear these words on this show was...unsettling, to say the very least. I think I may be a little in love with him.
Maybe even more than a little.

And, yes, I know. Masked robber in the hostage crisis, blah blah, currently working for Sonny, blah blah. But looking for a male character on this show without at least three felonies is like looking for a bra in Carly's armoire.

Well, there is one male character who hasn't turned to the dark side and who looked hotly foolish fighting a psychopath six inches shorter than him on today's show...I speak, of course, of Dr. Patrick Drake. Awesome Writer finally decided it was time for Patrick to stop eating brain tumors for breakfast and hotly clue into the fact that there was something alarmingly wrong with the so-called relationship of Robin and Nikolas. I mean, seriously, I was beginning to wonder if there was a complication during the surgery he had when he hotly donated part of his liver to his father, and maybe they took part of his brain out instead (I mean, Sam needed brain surgery after her uterus was shot. Perhaps Awesome Writer is the only one on staff who took high school anatomy and the rest of them think that your brain is located somewhere in your midsection?) because, honestly, enough was enough. But now that he knows, we can maybe move forward and end this story and forget that the Insane Breakup ever happened and perhaps there will be a Drake/Scorpio wedding and maybe Noah and Anna and Robert will be at said wedding and perhaps Patrick and Robin will be happy together for more than three minutes and perhaps adorable kittens holding 100 dollar bills will float gently down from the sky singing folk songs. A girl can dream!

But Awesome Writer wasn't done! Awesome Writer valiantly decided to make Sonny Corinthos bearable, if only for just a brief scene with Alexis. Awesome Writer, because Awesome Writer is awesome, loves Alexis, and gave her the opportunity to sparkle with huge words, an adorable platonic (or is it?!??!) love of Jax and a scene partner who, for once, was more engaged than a bookshelf.  Awesome Writer also slipped wardrobe some money, and they put Alexis in jeans and she looked fabulous.

Sadly, Awesome Writer was eventually found out and clubbed over the head like an unwanted baby seal before being dragged back to the cell and the rest of the writers finished the episode. That's why there were 94 scenes of Carly wondering if it was right for her to sign the divorce papers, and why Carly decided to ask her cousin Lulu for advice. I know that when I am feeling scared about my place in life, I often ask cousins fifteen years my junior what I should do.Was anybody else freaked out by their long, straight blonde hair and identical voices? It was so weird! Also weird was Lulu's dramatic advice that Carly once gave her: "follow your heart". If I was having a crisis and somebody told me to follow my heart, I'd be hard pressed not to kick them in the shin. It's a step above "no man is worth your tears and the one who is won't make you cry", sure, but they are both sentiments that belong solely in a sixth grade girl's diary!

The other writers also realized that, "D'oh! We brought Kin Shriner back and totally forgot about him after he admitted to killing Rick. What do we do now?!?!" and concocted a story so painfully stupid that you find yourself thinking it was part of Sam's newest backstory. Let's watch a man try to get custody of his ex-wife, the same ex-wife that he was married to 30 years ago, despite the fact that said ex-wife expressly named her oldest son her guardian. Because that makes total sense! And it doesn't make Scotty look at all pathetic and creepy for continuing to moon over Laura stalkerishly as if she's all he ever thought of since the 70s despite, you know, meeting Dominique (aka the love of his life!) and having that daughter that the writers forgot about. And it doesn't make one say, "Hey, wasn't Scotty, like, a fugitive the last time he left Port Charles? Why hasn't he been arrested? What court would give him custody of his ex-wife in between the fugitive thing and the Nikolas being named guardian thing?" It's totally normal! I swear, Kin Shriner, Tony Geary and Jane Elliott are trying so hard to make it work, but they can't. It's unworkable. It's bad.

But for a few shining moments, this show didn't suck. For that, we salute you, Awesome Writer!

- Promising Ingénue

Comments

[zarathelawyer]

Ah, I haven't watched the last few days yet because I've been so bored I wanted to save a few up in the effort to find a whole episode among the fast-forwarding, but I'm glad to see there is a little something to look forward to.

As for the whole Scott, Tracy, Luke thing, there are just so many things they could do with those three, so, so many good things, and yet they choose this, which I agree is utterly preposterous.

[Caitlin]

Heathers was my guide to life in high school, and considering that I only just graduated last year, I can probably still recite the entire movie by heart. For that reference alone, you win at life.

I'd also like to register my astonishment that they let the One Good Writer out to play. I suppose that'll be rectified soon enough, though. Seriously, they've got Kin fucking Shriner back and this is all they can think of to do with him?

[Sarah]

I'm not afraid to say that I'm a little in love with Awesome Writer. I hope he/she is okay after being bluggened by the other writers.

And why did the other writers feel it was okay to have PsychoCraig hit Patrick repeatedly in the face? The whole time I was saying, "Not the face! Not the face!"

With the whole Scotty/Laura/Luke/Tracy/Nicholas thing I tried to make sense of it and then realized I value my sanity too much to apply logic to that particular storyline. Stupid other writers.

[Anonymous]

I agree about Patrick's face. I mean I sat by idly and watched Craig holding numerous hostages, shooting Robin, blowing up a hotel, poisoning Nik and torturing Robin by keeping her from getting any Patrick lovin' but when he messes with Pattyboy's face...thats just going way too far. That seriously qualifies him as a psycho and I think a serious beatdown is now in order. There will be NO redeeming him in my eyes after this serious turn of events.

But it WAS a bit humorous to see Patrick go all Flinstones on his ass. BAM BAM...BAM BAM! And the face punches were crazy fake which makes my heart calm knowing Patrick's face probably IS okay after all.

And Awesome Writer obviously knew time was of the essense because he just sorta threw Patrick's clue right in there with absolutely no build up. Just shoved it in there and said to Not So Awesome Writer and Truly Horrible Writer (aka Bob Guza) "so there! Deal with it!" And that is why Awesome Writer is so very awesome indeed.

[Densie]

I want Awesome Writer to write more often.
I'd especially like to see a wedding with kitten's holding $100 bills floating down from heaven singing folk songs. My Little Ponies would work too.