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« Days of our Sighs | Main | The Day's Dumbest Dialogue »

May 27, 2007

GH: The Week in Quotes

I used to feel like GH had the big storylines and then the little storylines. The big storylines took up about 86% of the show's time on the air, and the little storylines were dumped in the remaining 14%. The big storylines (like: the ongoing and uninteresting mob wars, the secret of Jake's paternity and CraigJerryJerryCraig, for example (Hey, those all revolve in some way around Jason and Sonny! Quelle coincidence!) always sucked, but I felt like the little stories (Robin and Patrick, anything involving the Quartermaines) were better.

I was wrong. The entire show blows. I am going to let the show's stellar dialogue speak for itself.

Robin: Huh -- did that just happen?

Epiphany: What, you mean did three gorgeous women just come in here and snake your man? Sure looks like it. Ah.

Shut up Epiphany. Just...shut up. Nobody asked you! Why has nobody hauled off and smacked this woman? For all of her bitching and moaning about how much the rest of the hospital staff can't leave their personal problems at home, all I have ever seen her do is loudly get in their faces about their personal lives. Plus, she is doing a job that Bobbie really should be doing. Since, you know, Jackie Zeman is on contract and has also been on this show for 30 years. But this wouldn't be General Hospital if we weren't disrespecting veteran cast members, so of course they created Epiphany with the sole purpose of annoying me. I swear, they were going for Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy and took away all of her humanity, humor, warmth and ability to use an indoor voice.

Epiphany: Look, the last place that I want to be is in the middle of your personal drama. [Lying liar who lies! --ed.]

Elizabeth: Oh -- no, just -- just tell me. What?

Epiphany: I think that you have been blessed with a healthy baby boy, and how you want to raise him -- and with who -- is none of my business.

Then why are you going out of your way to make it your business, you obnoxious shrew?! ?!?!?

She is truly my nemesis.

The other thing that completely irritated me about the Robin/Epiphany/Patrick/three girls scene is that the three patients Patrick (hotly) treated were supposed to be played by Holly, Kendra and Bridget of The Girls Next Door. Kendra is a huge sports fan and a fan of LaDainian Tomlinson. It's truly better for us all if I do not tell you how I know this. So they specifically wrote lines for a random "celebrity" guest star, but they can't be bothered to remember that Nikolas has family in Port Charles besides Alexis.

This effing show.

Kate: Well, your mood has dramatically changed since taking that call. What did you do, order a hit?

"So this is love, this is what makes love divine, I'm all aglow..."

Oh, Kate! You rule! You are a stone cold bitch, you turn Diane into a squealing fangirl and you are played by the impeccable Megan Ward, who I have adored ever since she broke Bailey's heart on Party of Five. I will not hold out hope that you will continue to loathe Sonny, because I've watched this show and know how the story with Sonny goes, but for now, your quips about him and Carly make me happy.

Sonny: And guess what -- I didn't have to change my name to make it happen.

Oh, snap! Good one, Sonny! Man, you are so right, name changing is the root of all evil. I'm so glad that in your busy life of stealing, thieving and murdering that you never had to stoop so low as to change your name. You are a man of true moral fiber.


Tracy: Alan, just because you're dead doesn't mean you know everything. You sit there in that ridiculous jogging suit -- as if you jog anywhere -- and you judge and criticize me.

Alan: First of all, do not knock my jogging suit, it's very comfy. And secondly, I have to tell you I am haunting you for your own good -- you need to heed. Your lowlife husband will do anything, break any law in order to gain guardianship of laura. Do not allow him to suck you into a life of crime.

Was this a shout out to us?!?!?! Probably not, but you know, in the midst of this ridiculous Ghost Alan and "Scott wants to be Laura's guardian" story, I need to take what I can get, and I am taking that as a shout out.

Seriously, though, I wonder if Scotty caught a recent marathon of I Love the 70s on VH1 and was like, "Hey, I really do love the 70s! Those were some good times. I think I love them so much that I want to be Laura's guardian! Despite the fact that I am a criminal and was a fugitive for a while. Yeah. Good plan, Baldwin. Good plan".


Spinelli: My lips are zipped. But, you know, I have -- I have to point out that as your -- as your grasshopper and trusted wingman, it is -- it's heartening to see that the stone cold one can still fulfill the duties of his job, even while he's still dealing with his secret pain --

That's enough, Spinelli.

You know, the quirky nicknames and related Spinelli...ness wouldn't be so bad if they only came about every once in a while. But Spinelli gets far, far too much screentime. That airtime could go to Coop and Maxie. Or Georgie. Or paint drying. Plus, you know. He's a creepy stalker.

And seriously? Seriously? It's INSPIRATIONAL to see Jason take time out of his busy moping schedule to KILL A PERSON? What? WHAT?



Ric: When was the last time that you saw him?

Skye: Last night.

So I know that we know that Lorenzo is dead and not just missing, but why on earth is Ric obsessing over Lorenzo being "missing"? He's a grown man who has been gone for a few hours. Is that really a cause for alarm? Because not to worry you or anything, but I haven't seen Detective Rodriguez in a while. I hope he hasn't been murdered!

For all Ric knows, Lorenzo could have gotten really hungry during a Sonic commercial and taken a road trip to Pennsylvania for a sonic blast since there is NO SONIC ANYWHERE else in the northeast. Not that I'm bitter or anything.


Nikolas: What? Emily, he -- he poisoned me, framed you, and -- and I can't deny that -- that the guy's creative, which segues me into my next question -- what's next? What -- what torture is your brother dreaming up next, huh? Perhaps toothpicks under the fingernails? What, while Jax here, everyone's B.F.F., Is protecting him.

Um, first of all, Nik, everyone knows that Jill is everyone's BFF.

And secondly, huh? Did they just get an internet hookup at Wyndemere? Who says that out loud? I know there are bigger issues to have with this entire storyline, but...what's next? "Oh no, you didn't" complete with finger snaps? Deeming Carly's wardrobe choices "wack"?


Sam: Well, it's about you, me, your beautiful little baby boy, and what ties us all together.

Is Sam going to go crazy due to the Jake secret? I kind of hope so, because that would at least be more entertaining that watch her passive aggressively go after Liz and Jason. Plus, I think that Kelly Monaco would make a pretty awesome crazy, but that's just me. Maybe there will be a huge caper and it will end with Cameron saving the day! That would be fantastic. Lucky would be in the background all, "So Sam says that Jason is Jake's father, but I don't know what she means by that..."


OMG, what was with Patrick reverting back to his a**hole ways this week? Why do they get so little airtime and when they do, its become this suckfest? TISNF!

They should make Sam crazy. Sadly, that may be the only thing that would make me LIKE her character. But not just half ass crazy. I'm talking, I'm talking totally, full blown, Hand that Rocks that Cradle, evil maniacal laugh, crazy. I think Kelly M. could excel at that.

I heart Spinelli.. Though that was perhaps his worse dialog of the week.

Yes, crazy Sam would be so much more preferable to the passive agressive stupid Sam we got this week. And I just can't wait for Monday to watch her lay the blame for the baby lie entirely at Liz's feet in an attempt to justify her relationship with Jason. Guh. Bring on the crazy, I say.

We are all seemingly intelligent people. So why do we waste our time on the clusterfuck that is GH? This show is so far beyond total suckage and jumping the moronic shark. Your examples this week CLEARLY prove this point to be painfully true. IMO Tyler Christopher threw in the BFF line as an FU to TIIC. I swear he could do his scenes naked and in Spanish and Guza etal would never know, they only watch Sonny, Jason, and Carly. My prayer is that Kim McCullough and Jason Thompson figure this out too and do their poorly written and ridiculous and insulting scenes naked AND having sex simultaneously. Then I'd have a resson for watching this shiite.

I think Spinelli should be shot - by Jason. Then maybe he will get that Jason KILLS people and RUINS live. I effing hate the mob.

I love Spinelli, but... yeah, that line was ridiculous. I also like Epiphany (am I banned from the blog now?), but I'd rather she have said, "Look, Liz, you really shouldn't lie about paternity. It always comes back to haunt you. And Lucky's really, really cute, while Jason has that slicked back hair and runs around killing people a lot. Don't mess it up!"

I might just go for Crazy!Sam, just because this weepy, passive aggressive, putting-back-feminism-fifty-years character she is now? Not really doing it for me.

I don't care that GH steals comments from the internet and incorporates them into their dialog as long as Nikolas is saying it. Who cares if he came up with "BFF", lol at least he is on my screen and thats all I care about with this show.

I think crazy Sam is down the road a while after we exhaust stand-by-your-man-Sam (judging by her "it's all Liz's fault" comment in the previews) and connive-to-get-a-baby-by-sealing-jason's-sperm Sam. That said, bring on the crazy. I totally agree that Kelly Monaco can bring it. (And whiny Sam is so damn boring.)

As for Spinelli, the idea that his lips could possibly be "zipped" is ridiculous. He can't shut up about the baby-daddy secret and I'm sure we have months of "Stone cold killed evil Al all while bottle-feeding the innocent one" patter to wade through. Sonny telling Spinelli to shut up and threatening to break his typing fingers? The only time I've liked the man in *years.* THAT's the type of mobster I can get behind. Seriously, isn't the first thing they teach you in mob school to lawyer up and never answer questions? Spinelli continuing to blab to Ric ad nauseum was silly.

Scene idea....

Liz-"Jason, I love you. I always have since you gave me that chunk of glass. I'll divorce my gorgeous trusting dim husband the cop for you if you leave Sonny and the mob. He's single again so Sam can live with him now. Like when she moved in with you when he went back to Carly, remember? It's perfect."

Jason-"Yeah. But Sonny's my BFF. And my only marketable skill is killing people. Like Lorenzo, sure it took my five years, but I just got him! And, I needed Skye's help, but hey....I'm brain damaged."

Liz-"Well, swap Sam back to Sonny and start giving me better presents. You bought Carly furs and jewelry all the time! I want major bling if you're staying in the "orginization".

Jason-"Jake is cute, now. And naming him after the bar I used to "f" Carly in was a nice touch. Thanks for that, but what if the baby turns out like Michael?"

Liz-"Huh? I was busy putting on more make up, say again."

Jason-"Michael was a beautiful baby, just ask Robin, she raised him with me. But he turned into a weird creepy funny looking kid. He annoys me more than Spinelli. What if Jacob turns out bad too?"

Liz-"Cam's cute! And he's already smarter than me and Lucky combined. Jacob should be fine."

Jason-"I'll consider it. It will make Spinelli happy. But if Carly says no, well than it's no. She's my master, I mean best friend."

Liz-"Whatever. Decide fast, I'm going after Patrick next."

Jason-"Alright. Thanks Liz."

Liz-"Sure Jase, love you."

Jason-"Uh huh."

Epiphany-"You sure are a lucky woman Liz! Two healthy beautiful sons and a good husband. And you're a nurse like me which makes you special. And Jason's protection, nice work Nurse Spencer."

Liz-"Thanks Pip. You always say the nicest things to me. And you always insult and yell at Robin. I really like you."

Epiphany-"I'm here to prop you, and degrade Robin whenever possible. That's my main priority and job responsibility here. You relax and I'll see if I can go yell at Dr. Scorpio some more."

Liz-"Thanks Pip."

end scene

Sam's post about Jason shooting Spinelli is such genius! I wonder if that would finally wake that kid up about his hero? That should be what happens on Night Shift!

"But Spinelli gets far, far too much screentime. That airtime could go to Coop and Maxie. Or Georgie."

All I've got to say to that is WORD!

So, is it a bad idea to start watching GH now? 'Cause after regularly reading your guys' awesome blog, marathon youtubing Scrubs clips, and finding a Sonny & Brenda clip site (!!!!), I'm afraid I'm already starting to feel the pull of the Evil Empire. Help!

BTW, WTF is up with this Brenda recasting rumour? My head will spin around if I have to put up with that...I mean, that's just WRONG!

First thing I gotta say is something only like five other people in the world seem to care to say...Happy Birthday, Genie!!! May 26 was her day.

Man, it's not even Tony's birthday yet (they're his is on May 29th) and he's getting more birthday wishes than her. Sucks to be the unpopular end of that pairing.

Back at the ranch...Sam's nuts. Spinelli is still not annoying me. Kate is love. Carly is crabs. Jerry and Alexis are hot. And I find myself less and less concerned about Liason.

Still love your blog. Funniest thing I've read all night.

The thing about Epiphany that astonishes me is that she's the only prominent black character on the show and she's just a walking composite of stereotyppes.

When I heard the tracksuit conversation between Alan and Tracy, I immediately thought of you. It has to be a shout-out to you. And Epiphany, Cameron called and left a message, "Bitch please!"

Do you think all hands were on deck the day they filmed those scenes with the girls? That Guza and Frons personally came to the set for "quality control" of the filming? They probably had the girls do a number of takes...just to get it "right". Even though GH's audience is women, scenes like that make it seem that they write it mostly for men.

Epiphany has become my nemesis as well. Can you say hypocrite? She has been on my list since she checked out Maxie's medical file to help Elizabeth? And you claim Robin and Patrick are unprofessional? You are so right they were aiming for a Bailey-esque character here but failed abysmally.

I currently love Kate as well. Anyone who calls Sonny out on being a mob boss, gets in Carly's face, and points out what an obnoxious twit Michael is, is a-ok with me. It really is too she will eventually fall victim to Sonny. Poor woman. Run now, while you still can Kate!

For the love of all that is holy and pure, if Spin's constant worshiping of St. Jaysus doesn't end soon, someone is going to pay. Well, someone besides the viewers...

When Sonny made his stupid name changing comment, did he forget his whole deal where his friend Stone's name was really Michael, and he refused to call him Michael because that was back in his "I hate my deadbeat dad" phase? Or, is it only OK to change your name when Sonny forces you to because he has his own personal issues with someone who has the same first name as you? Any other reason for changing your name is just idiotic and grounds for mocking by a short, greasy-haired mobster with big manboobs?

I couldn't agree more. Less Spinelli, more Coop and Maxie!

[The thing about Epiphany that astonishes me is that she's the only prominent black character on the show and she's just a walking composite of stereotypes.]

^^so true.

and it frustrates the heck out of me cuz Sonya Eddy is a phenomenal actress and if the character of Epiphany was used correctly, she could truly add some realism to the show. she's got so much comedic talent but they waste it on needless snarkiness.

well if you guys wants new up dates on sam well her and lucky furture is not looking well right now because lucky now knows what sam did to liz and cameron,jake in the park and the whole jake kidnapping and the goons and he throw sam out of his life .

witch now in the preview sam call lucky for help but because of the lies that sam have told and she have kept them a sceret for so long lucky didn't believe her when sam said she have been fallow and got another text messege.And some people may not agree with me when I say this but as from right now sam deserve every last bite of pain because she has gone out her way to cause pain in liz life and also if sam fans doesn't like the way liz act towards sam or treat sam or even spills sam sceret then maybe be sam should be all up in liz face and personal life or even romotely arround liz boys . if sam want a happy life go a head have no one care's just stop but in other people's lifes or business. and if sam would compeletly leave liz and her boys then sam wouldn't be this mess.

I meant to say in my second commemt on the 7th pargrah that sam shouldn't be all up in liz face and personal life or even remotely near liz boys or even judge liz or call liz a liar or even a hypocrite because sam is also a liar and a hypocrite and the sam fans should never judge liz either because sam is not even remotely close to better or perfect then liz and also people should stop saying sam is a better match for jason because she is not and scondly stop saying that sam was jason ride to die chick or that jasam was bunny and clyde be they are not people must for what happen to them and I will tell you they are dead.

sam is in trouble right now

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