General Hospital Week in Review

I couldn't even think of a theme for this week's review.  There was so much going on, yet so little actually happening, and none of it was especially interesting.  I already discussed the wedding of the...month, how crazily creepy NewAmelia is, and how "funny" Sam's storyline continues to be.  By "funny," of course, I mean "painfully, horribly awful and unbelievable to the point that I believe there is a backstage competition to see how significantly worse it can be made on a daily basis."  Then there's the JerryCraig ridiculousness, which I can't discuss in any detail because it makes Promising Ingénue's facial tic act up.  So I'm left with very little, all of it random.  I cannot promise any of it will be entertaining.  But that's okay, because this is ABC Daytime, and we're not in this for entertainment. 

Oh, hey there, Detective Rodriguez.  I've been meaning to mention that I've committed a number of very serious crimes.  Which we will need to discuss in detail.  In private.  We should also discuss whether it was wise to try to bring back the Clooney Caesar more than a decade later.  I'm actually leaning towards "yes."  However, I'm going to need to try to analyze this without letting my George-love taint the process.  This will require you and me to spend lots of time together so I can try to forget him.  Thanks in advance for your patience.

I'm having some trouble typing today because I have limited vision. This is because I walked past my TV earlier this week and POKED MY EYE OUT ON MAXIE'S SHOULDER BONE.

Kirsten, sweetie, SERIOUSLY, enough.  We are very worried and were preparing an intervention.  However, since in all likelihood we would arrive on set and be distracted by 1) the assorted hot men, 2) the many writers' shins in range of our stilettos, or 3) the security guards tackling us to the ground, any of which would have prevented us from completing our intended task, we've decided just to continue our heartfelt pleas via the internets.  Please don't lose another pound!  This Coop-Maxie pairing promises to get you some serious screentime, but you can't look like you'll break in half if he so much as winks in your direction. 

I would like at this point to note that I would be fine with Coop winking.  Normally winking is a dealbreaker for me, but Cooper could pull it off.  He could wink while wiping his muddy shoes on my couch and yelling at my dog and I'd probably still be a-ok with him.   

Something I never thought I’d hear on a soap:  “You are not peeing on my butt!”

Since this is GH, I think we should just be grateful there was a negative somewhere in that sentence. 

I must reluctantly admit that I enjoyed Jax and Carly's honeymoon scenes.  I think the absence of Sonny, Micheal, JerryCraig, Sonny, Jason, and Sonny had something to do with it.  That said, these two will be divorced by Labor Day.  Perhaps if he had peed on her sea-urchin-stung behind, they could have formed a truly meaningful bond. That's true of all the great couples.  But as it is, Jax is once again going to end up as well-tanned roadkill on the Carly and Sonny Highway of Dysfunctional "Love."

Speaking of Sonny's sex life (oh god, was I? the meds have worn off) . . . It's been a few days, but I still don't have the strength to discuss the Sonny/Amelia sex olympics in any detail.  A near-stranger accidentally shows up at his hotel room, Sonny throws some terrible lines her way, she strips, and they have sex.  And she just can't get enough of him. He cannot look her in the eye, and I don't think it's entirely clear that he knows her name.  She finds out he had expected a hooker to show up when she did.  She then jeopardizes her job just to have sex with him again. Seriously, how far up the ass of the character of Sonny Corinthos are this show’s writers?  It's so disturbing. 

I am, in general, a fairly heartless bitch, but dude, if you don't think this is even the tiniest bit adorable I think you might need therapy:

I wasn't watching during the whole Nik-blames-rape-victim-Emily-for-not-having- sex-with-him-and-causing-him-to-cheat-with-nasty-Courtney debacle.  My standard rule with soaps is that if something happened while I wasn't watching, I can pretend it didn't happen.  (What, like that's any less rational than half the stuff on daytime?)  So I'm pretty much okay with this whole character rehabilitation, even if it does involve the most manipulative device ever, a cute baby.  If Nik gets a puppy, I'm going to become a crazy fangirl.  Tyler Christopher will need a restraining order.

Promising Ingénue is totally going to beat me up, but I must say, I thought Steve Burton was actually excellent in the hospital scenes today.  That's the most emotion Jason has shown since Clinton was president. 

This week, Patrick hotly tried to find a counter-toxin-thingie for Nikolas, hotly sparred with Robin about scientific stuff, hotly worried (hotly pictured above), and hotly performed CPR.  It was a hotly full week.  In the midst of one of their arguments, though, I became confused.  Robin said:

"You know it’s a good thing you’re a doctor, because you would make a terrible spy." 

What the hell does Robin SCORPIO know about spies? 

Oh . . .

The cliffhanger was lame, in that there's zero possibility that Liz, Lucky, Nik, or the baby are going to die, right? Liz is more worrisome than the other two, since she's being cared for by the Ob/Gyn who isn't even capable of diagnosing pregnancy, but whatever, they're not going to kill her off.  We cannot have one less person in town talking about how wonderful and pure-hearted Jason is. 

By the way, is there a new rule that we have to have a montage every week, just because?  I think I would like to incorporate this into my real life.  At about 4pm every Friday, I'll call my colleagues into my office, pop a CD into my computer, play a little alt-rock tune, update everyone on my life, and leave them wanting more by dangling a "thrilling" question in the air (I'll write it on my dry-erase board) to make them want to come in on Monday:  Will I clean my desk?  Which will I pick--the manila folders or the purple ones?  How many pairs of shoes will I be able to fit in a file drawer?   Is my magnet poetry as genius as I think it is? 

Comments

[Kristin]

I have to say, I couldn't agree more about the montages! I mean, it's like they decide to have one every time Jason blinks BLINKS or someone turns down Sonny for sex. Excuse me, but I haven't liked either character since...let's see. Sonny was with Tamara Braun (before the Kristina thing) and Jason was in the train tunnel with Sam. As for the Amelia thing, I thank God I quit DVRing it and am now depending on SCRUBS websites to fill me in on their comings-and-goings.

[melonfusion]

There was nothing more adorable for the entire WEEK than Nikolas holding that baby! Way too cute.

You're right, the Sonny/Amelia thing is totally disturbing. I wonder, though, if things would have been less skeevy if it weren't made painfully obvious that Sonny was just burning to sex up the first thing with lady parts he came across. Because, hookers? Really? He's officially snatched back the Most Likely to Have Crabs Award from Sam's gross hands.

[Fan of GH]

I love this blog. I really do. You guys mock, but you do it in a funny, non-offensive way.

I'm curious, are you guys going to go to General Hospital FCW (Fan Club Weekend) in July???

[zarathelawyer]

If my vast experience is anything to go by, you can fit at least ten pairs of shoes in a file drawer.

I also think I'm a yes on Rodriguez's hair, provided they stop dressing him in shirts and ties that are at least a size too big...

[Evil But Twinless]

Ten pairs you say, zara? Suddenly I know the solution to my shortage of closet space. Who needs financial records and work files?

Fan of GH, we consider ourselves more "fan...ish" and our weekends are pretty consumed with developing new and interesting ways to criticize others, so we won't be at that gathering. But if you or anyone else has a report of Jason Thompson doing something hotly, we would welcome that update.

melonfusion, I think Sonny calling the hooker was supposed to be a consciousness-raising exercise for the audience. I bet you didn't think call girls had business cards, did you? Don't you feel small-minded?

[madaboutscrubs]

Dude, everything Jason Thompson DOES is done hotly, so you should get some good sightings.

[Elena]

I don't think they are going to kill Elizabeth off, but she's had her two kids (which apparently is all you're allowed on GH - unless you're Laura and one just shows up, but you know what I mean), so she will have to have a hysterectomy or something else will happen so that she can't ever have another baby, which of course will mean she can never have a baby with Lucky. And so everything rides now on her baby with Jason. We'll see.

[Sara]

I should have guessed Liz was not going to be able to have more kids. After how Guza has done Liz and Lucky in the past I don't know why I didn't see it coming.

I stopped reading spoilers or else I might not watch at all ( and I have to for the rare Jarly scene).

About Cruz- he looks a thousand times better with his haircut. And he looked pretty darn good before so that is saying something.

[Susan]

Reading this blog was the only productive thing I've done at work today so thanks for making that happen.

[AFAN]

I loved reading your take on GH. I just have to correct you on something. Nik did indeed fail his wife. She was raped and he couldn't handle the emotional and, hence, physical distance between them and he turned to whats-her-name. Like, love, or hate Nikolas; he's just not so shallow to fall into another woman's arm just because he and his wife weren't physical with eachother. It was more than that. He had lost the connection with his soulmate and he reacted ... er ... badly. Doesn't excuse his BAD behavior; I'll give anyone that. It was not excusable on any level

[Roxiebell]

Regarding the Nikolas Cassadine comment in your article your standard rule is right on target in this case: "If I wasn't watching during the whole Nik-blames-rape-victim-Emily-for-not-having- sex-with-him-and-causing-him-to-cheat-with-nasty-Courtney debacle. My standard rule with soaps is that if something happened while I wasn't watching, I can pretend it didn't happen." You don't have to pretend on this one because it actually NEVER happened. Nik DID NOT cheat on Emily until all hope was GONE & she KICKED him to the curb and there was nothing nasty about NiCo, just look at that beautiful "love child"!

[Margie]

If you are going to describe a storyline that you did watch, try getting your facts straight! Nikolas fell in love with another woman because he fell OUT of love with his wife. His emotional connection to Emily was completely lost. Sex had nothing to do with it! She pushed him away, played cruel mind games with him, lied to him non-stop, and finally kicked him to the curb. It was very understandable when he found love and an emotional connection with someone else. Their beautiful son was most definitely conceived in love. Court was Nik's FIANCE! They loved each other and Nik grieved for her for months.

[Mia]

I agree w/ the above comments regarding your false perception of Nikolas and Courtney. If you didn't watch the storyline, you have no right to downgrade it according to the bitter ramblings on various messageboards. I watched every second of their love story, and it was just that - a love story. Emily wanted nothing to do with Nikolas and told him TO HIS FACE that she didn't love him anymore. She avoided him for weeks and he found friendship and support in an unlikely place - w/ Courtney. They were each other's solace and brought joy and laughter into each other's lives. There was absolutely nothing "nasty" about them. Get your facts straight, please. Tyler Christopher and Alicia Leigh Willis had incredible chemistry. Their son was concieved in love and out of respect to their spouses they waited until both marriages were FINISHED before making love. I personally never enjoyed Nik more than when he was free and at peace with Courtney. She loved him unconditionally and that is something noone else could ever lay claim to.

[Susie]

I love that picture of Nikolas and Spencer!

I have to agree, it was definitely not about sex. Nikolas even explained that to his brother Lucky. Emily did have sex with Nikolas after the rape. It was emotional intimacy that Emily deprived Nikolas of. Emily pushed Nikolas away like the plague and wouldn't even take a walk with him. And another important thing to consider is that it wasn't just a rape by anyone, it was rape by someone who looked identical to Nikolas. I can see how he thought she would never get past that, and why he made an emotional connection with Courtney. But he did not have sex with Courtney until Emily officially ended their relationship by telling him she didn't love him anymore and she wanted a divorce.

[SummerJay]

Blah Blah Blah you guys are crazy if you think Nico was anything but a sad rebound, i did watch that storyline and lets face it what Nico had was nothing more then a drunken long weekend that ended in the totally cuddly goodness that is Spencer. Nik never fell out of love with Emily and in love with Coho (what soap were y'all watching?) anywho Nik and Spencer oh so very cute!