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« Totally Confused | Main | Objection! »

May 15, 2007

I Feel So Smart!

While I am vehemently anti-history education on my soaps, I do have to admit that they teach me a lot about the way the world works. From what's in fashion (babushkas) to the proper way to interact with members of society (berating cancer patients is a-okay), it's like GH has opened my eyes to a whole new set of social norms.

The last two episodes have been quite helpful!

(1)It's okay to overshare with your boss. All this time, I've been answering my boss's query about how my weekend was with a standard "It was good, thank you". I didn't know that I was supposed to sit him down and give him a recap of my entire romantic history. He must think I'm hiding something since I haven't been forthcoming with all of those details!

Sam: Yeah, I know, tell me about it. Jason thought he was protecting me. He thought he was protecting me by walking out of my life, and I fought him. I begged, I told him I wasn't afraid, but he had already made up his mind, so you know what? I got really angry, and I got really drunk, and I slept with my stepfather.

Fivehead: The D.A.?

Sam: Yes, the D.A., Ric Lansing --Jason's sworn enemy. And I suppose if you asked a shrink, that they would say I was being self-destructive, I suppose. Anyway, Jason came to find me, and he found Ric and I together, so he turned around and slept with Elizabeth Spencer -- never mind that she was married to Lucky -- now she's pregnant. Boom -- instant family. That's it, done.


I did so enjoy having Fivehead back for this, though. She had the most hilarious expression of feigned supportiveness, curiosity, horror and amusement. It's like the face I make when I watch The Hills. Fake Amelia would have just been staring at Sam like she was going to eat her brains. Love to love you, Fivehead.

But seriously, Sam, what the hell is with the oversharing? I know she was drunk and heartbroken, but...there are certain things you just don't tell your boss. I guess we should be grateful that she didn't go all out and tell her about how she threw up and wiped her mouth with her shirt and put the shirt back on and wore it around for the rest of the day after sleeping with her stepfather. So she does have some boundaries, at least.

Whatever happened to Sam's budding friendship with Maxie? Um, hello, Sam, if you needed to get drunk and vent to someone, Maxie is, like, the best person in Port Charles to do it with and ALSO the best person to have on your side for a twisted revenge scheme, especially when it comes to Liz. Oh, girl, you obviously got your smarts from your father's side.

(2)Radical plastic surgery is apparently commonplace. Who knew? I love that NOBODY is freaked out by Craig/Jerry's new face. Just, you know, a quick "Oh, you look different. Face transplant? Good times" mention at the beginning of the conversation and that's it. And here I am, taking time to get adjust when my friends color their hair.

Oh, but GH writers? "You can always steal more money and buy a new [face]" is not funny. I know Jax was being angry and sarcastic, but I know how you people work. So don't even think about it. Just don't. Because I can just see you people luring your next big star catch to the show with a "ground breaking and mind blowing" storyline and then you realize you need to tie them to the canvas, and then you're all "I know! Jerry got another new face. High five!"

I hate you in advance, GH writers.

(3) The fashion industry is totally the same as sleazy strip clubs. Sonny said it, so it must be true.

"What's the difference between paying gorgeous women to dance naked on a stage, or asking them to parade nearly naked on a runway wearing clothes that human beings wouldn't be caught dead in?"

Um, could the difference probably be that the fashion industry has fewer instances of you drugging teenage girls to strip in your club before blaming them for being molested as a child?

And I know couture is wacky, but I find all that talk rich coming from a man who parades around in an enormous tent.

Does anyone else find it hilarious that the latest tactic to "subtly" reinforce the notion that Sonny Corinthos is appealing in any way, shape or form is to talk about what he was like in high school? Hee! It cracks me up. "All the girls at Sacred Heart loved you...25 years ago". Hott!!!

(4) If you're an expert marksman, it's okay to shoot at somebody if you weren't trying to kill them. Just hurt them. Even if that somebody is HIV positive and also one of your brother's dearest friends (yes, dearest friends, I remember their friendship even if you don't, writers!).

What the hell, Jax? No, seriously, what the hell?

Is he in denial? Is he mentally challenged? Is this what happens when bad writers create bad storylines without giving a second thought to motivation or the effect that a character has on other characters? Or is it seriously like, "Eh, he was only trying to wound Robin. I mean, the girl was kidnapped when she was, like, eight, and she lost her first love and she thought she lost her parents, so getting shot in the stomach is a walk in the park for her. She survived, it's okay"?

(5)When you're breaking someone's heart by allowing another man to raise their son, the kindest thing you can do is constantly remind them of their sacrifice.

Hey, Jacob Martin? Your mom's an asshole.

Honestly, this whole storyline is making me feel bad for Jason, which (a)ew and (b)is exactly what the writers want me to do, so I've yet again fallen for one of their traps (curse you people!). I mean, the man is having a hard time giving up his son and has a box devoted to the pain of not being a part of the kid's life, so let's subtly name the child in his honor and help stalk the freaking kid with video cameras. Because the smartest thing to do is emotionally torture the man who always carries a gun. He could just haul off and shoot someone randomly. And what if he doesn't have a tarp with him when he does that? Huh? Think about that, Liz and Spinelli. Your actions could have tragic consequences!

So how long do we think it's going to take for Lucky to clue in and realize that the baby is actually Jason's? I'm guessing...a week after someone explicitly tells Lucky the truth. I love him, but he should really be participating in scientific studies.


Sam's Amelia confessing is further proof that the wrtiers really made a mistake when they did exactly what we expected them to do and ditch the whole potential Maxie/Sam friendship. Because who else does Sam have to talk too? No one. Especially given they've forgotten she has a mother, and in this case she probably couldn't talk to Alexis anyway, given the whole screwing her husband thing.

First of all... I was lol at EVERYTHING you said... totally on the mark!

Secondly I say Lucky will get a clue when the baby shows no emotions like crying, laughing, smiling! Well we did see the baby smile... that must come from Liz's side of the family ;)

I'm sure Sam figures that after your boss has paid off your blackmailer, there isn't much left to hide.

And you're totally right, Maxie would have been the perfect confidant for this secret. New hot boy or not, Maxie's already admitted that she's still a little bit obsessed with Lucky.

I just had to leave a comment on how much I love this blog -- you are hysterical and always spot on -- it seems like you live in my head -- I was thinking the same thing today about Robin -- Jerry is an expert marksman who may have only meant to wound Robin??? Truly unbelievable!

You guys speak what we're thinking!! Sometimes you wonder if they're smoking a little something when they come up with these ideas..."Yeah, yeah, let's do that"... sigh.

Sonny's comparing lapdancing and stripping to runway shows and the fashion industry almost made me vomit. His mind is completely warped. In my GH...

KH-"OK, then when your precious daughter turns 18 she can give lapdances topless while drunken perverts grope her for money. Then a benevolent club owner like you can bang her, fill her w/ illegal drugs, and blame her for her messed up childhood and pathetic life. OR you moronic murderer she can be a designer, editor, journalist, photographer, store owner etc.... Hell folding t-shirts at the gap would be a better life than the one you compare to mine JACKASS!!!!!"

And somewhere between JJ and GV TIIC gave poor Lucky a labotomy. He used to be so bright and funny and sweet. Now he is a drooling lapdog, gorgeous, but still a drooling lapdog. Revive him, he's too handsome to be so stupid and clueless.

Sam is now Slut of the Year! She told Amelia Liz was a whore because she was married when she bumped uglies w/ St. Jasus. Hello!!!! Ric was MARRIED to your MOTHER when you banged him on the floor of said mom's den. Slut to slut, you are way skankier Sam.

Jax and his Jerry support was literally a slap in the face. Shooting Robin, no biggie. Blowing up a hotel full of people, someone made him?!?!?!?! FU Jasper Jax. The rewriting of ALL history and character is beyond atrocious.

Thanks for another blogtastic entry ladies. I was going to go shopping at my new Jimmy Choo store tomorrow. But since apples are evidently apples according to the all knowing well respected slimey Sonny C. I'll just go strip for loosers and buy a few lapdances instead!!!!! Ta Ta.

I loved how Amelia was all like, "Ummmm... Why do I want to destroy you again? Because, girl, I ain't got to do anything with YOUR life!"

I actually like the name "Jake." But I have the horrible feeling that Liz got that name from Jason's favorite bar and former Anonymous Hook-Up Meetingplace With Carly Back In The Day. And that's just not right. Though the "Martin" part after her grandfather's kinda nice. I'd really like to know, though, why her mom's such a bitch (or at least Liz thinks so). Actually, I'd just like to know why NO ONE in Liz's family apparently cares enough about her to even give her a call when she's been married like three times, now has two kids, and has been on death's door more times than I can count. Hell, we hate my father's mother, but we still let her know when the big stuff happens!

Don't even get me started on how idiotic they made Jax sound with that "expert marksman" thing. I've never been a huge Jax fan or anything, but when Carly makes more sense than he does, you know something's wrong.

Oh God help me...you all are making me want to tune back into GH just to snark. Whenever I do, though, it's usually to see if Robin and Noah are possibly making out, yet all I get are Carly's afronts to fashion (WTF?), Jase-bots shellacked do, Sam's balloon-boobs in scarf tops and Sonny excercising his mouth when he talks. Notice I mentioned nothing story-related. Is there actually any story going on, anyway?

Oh God help me...you all are making me want to tune back into GH just to snark. Whenever I do, though, it's usually to see if Robin and Patrick are possibly making out, yet all I get are Carly's afronts to fashion (WTF?), Jase-bots shellacked do, Sam's balloon-boobs in scarf tops and Sonny excercising his mouth when he talks. Notice I mentioned nothing story-related. Is there actually any story going on, anyway?

LOL!!!! I agreed with everything you said! What did you think of the game of Hop-Scotch Sonny was playing with his high school sweetheart in the park? How sweeps was that?!!!!!!!


Robin\Jerry\Jax was right on!
I always surprise myself thinking that the gh writers can't get any worse.

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