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« AMC In Review | Main | My Life Is Complete »

May 31, 2007

Nothing About This is Okay

I wonder what goes on when the GH writers get together to map out storylines. I envision Bob Guza regaling the staff with tales of movies he saw recently and how to best incorporate their plots onto the show, writers doing Rock Paper Scissors to see what couple they're going to break up that week (reason and sense be damned!), and the muffled sounds of Awesome Writer banging furiously on the door of the closet he's locked in, wailing, "Check your facts, you ingrates! Laura was MARRIED to Scott when she was raped. A freaking moose would be more capable and creative than you are!"

Of course, this is assuming that the writers actually do get together to map out storylines. Part of me suspects that Bob Guza hastily writes scripts on his Blackberry (when he's not staring dreamily at a poster of Steve Burton) the morning scenes are being filmed...

What I am getting at is that this show is terrible and, truly, I feel that a moose would be an excellent addition to the behind the scenes team.

I understand the urge to not tax your mind by thinking or being creative and taking the easy way out. I don't condone it and I think that if you aren't good at creative writing, you should probably be doing something besides writing for a living, but I can see why someone would think that constantly ripping off a successful writer is better than taking the time to write something new. Something new that, judging from the show's original storylines, would surely suck something fierce.

But seriously, people. SERIOUSLY. Enough is enough. We have Kate Howard in The Devil Wears Prada, the mob follies sullying the good name of The Departed and now Jerry's turn from doofus to evildoer is a direct ripoff of the story behind James Bond in the most recent crappy James Bond movie that stole hours of my time that I will never get back but, then again, I continue to give this crapfest of a show the best years of my life, so I guess my time isn't that precious to me after all.

Bob Guza told us that the explanation for Jerry becoming evil was going to be awesome. He promised! Nothing about this hellhole of a storyline is awesome:

  • The ongoing assault on history and logic that I am still not over and will probably never be over, because I am an unpleasant person who holds grudges
  • The gross way it is revolving around Carly because, honestly, if there is a non-Jason character who could stand to spend forty five minutes not onscreen, it's Carly
  • The weirdness of nobody going crazy trying to get Emily off the hook for treason so, you know, they could get the psychopath out of their lives
  • Sebastian Roche's complete inability to be onscreen without ferociously overacting
  • The swift way that character of Jax has been completely destroyed, as opposed to the 89% destroyed level he had been floating around at for most of the past year.
  • Jax's hair


WTF, Jasper?

I realize the above sentence could be used for any and all Jax-related happenings in recent times but, for the moment, I am most concerned with the fact that the stress of learning his brother is an evil terrorist madman has caused him to break with reality and fantasize about joining a boyband, and doing his hair appropriately whilst learning dance moves.


I wonder what Genie Francis ever did to the GH show-runners, because they seem to go out of their way to give her the bird at all times. "You think you're hot stuff with your Emmy nomination and place in pop culture history, don't you? And you're all 'I would definitely go back to the show' and we're like, 'Ew!' So watch this: we're going to tell a story about Laura without you! Take THAT and shove it up one of the home accessories you sell at your store".

I, for one, do not understand the need to revisit the rape storyline without Lulu being able to get her mother's reaction to it.

I also do not understand what has happened to Scott that he would so brutally put this out in the open and break the heart of Laura's daughter. Was he tortured alongside Jerry by a rogue group aiming to make all charming scoundrels completely despicable?

And, furthermore, I do not understand why anybody would allow Lainey to testify as an expert psychologist because she's in the running for Worst GH Doctor (Kelly, of course, still wins).


"I really have no business being in this story, but I'm on contract and they are paying me, so they need to trot me out every now and then. See you in August!"

And why the hell does Jason know about the rape? Why does Jason have to taint every single story on this show with his blank-eyed presence? WHY?!?!

Julie Marie Berman and Tony Geary have been predictably amazing in this story, but I wish that they got to be amazing in a story that isn't completely dreadful.


Finola Hughes is coming back this summer again. Guza says, "If Anna and Noah were to find, shall we say, common ground, how will their kids, Robin and Patrick, feel about their parents?"

I bet you $50 that we will never get the answer to that because all Anna related scenes will end up on the cutting room floor like the last time she was in Port Charles for three minutes when Guza dangled an Anna/Alcazar storyline in our faces and cruelly snatched it away in favor of Sonny debating whether or not take a pill.


Speaking of Sonny, his attempt to win the coveted Duh Face of the Year award continues to pick up steam


Reach for the stars, Michael Corinthos Jr.


I admit that I severely misjudged Maxie's extensions. The super straight look was unfortunate and made it look like they were still in the bag of weave she purchased, but the curls are great. And, of course, I am still loving Coop and Maxie. They're unbelievably pretty together and they're adorable in their quest to protect one another and I seriously think they are one of five good things to happen on this show in the last year.


I swear to all of you that if Logan's comment about how he'd be around once she got sick of Coop was the writing staff's "clever" attempt at foreshadowing a Maxie/Logan hookup, I will probably cause harm to myself or others. THAT IS NOT OKAY, GH WRITERS. I know that you, like, suck and everything so I shouldn't be surprised about this sneaking suspicion I have, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

And seriously, what the hell: who walks into a room where a friend has just had sex with someone , and that someone is still in bed and they just proceed to chill out there for a while?


They're called "boundaries" Logan.


How much did I love Liz's t-shirt?


It's so freaking cute! Becky Herbst needs to stop being as pretty and awesome as she is, or else she's going to negatively impact my self esteem.

As is Cameron, whose appearances I have found myself looking forward to more and more. He and Lucky playing hockey together the other day made me sqeual. I'm always eagerly anticipating who he'll give baby bitchface to next, and I am longing for the day when the adults around him realize that he's not just blithely playing games, he's listening to every word they say and he could totally write a tell-all book once he learns to read.


Screencaps courtesy of the awesome Clarissa!


You so ROCK!!!! This show pisses me off because it could be soooooo good instead of the crap fest that it is.

Oh lord! That Duh Face of the Year still produces actual tears, it's so funny. I love this blog.

Becky Herbst is cute and all, but she's waaaay to skinny. And any bullshit about her being a tiny person anyway, is just that, bullshit. I'm sick of seeing lolliepop heads on my screen. Maybe Cameron can make her a sandwich and hand it to her ala Stewie, "Please Muthah..."

The thing I love about your blog is that I'm constantly cheering and saying "yeah" after you make a point. You totally get it... :o)

THANK YOU for saying something about Jax's hair! I thought I was the only one going crazy over it. It's like, now that Scott Clifton's leaving, they just sawed off his scalp and stitched it on Ingo Rademacher's. I HATE, like flames on the side of my face hate, that type of sort-of spiky bedhead/dried cum from a bukkake orgy messy hair that you know took ten hours and a gallon of product to produce. It just makes guys look like smacked asses. And why would IR want to look like a smacked ass? And a smacked ass of a generation younger than him at that? GAH!

I, too, adore BH's shirt and hate her for looking as fabulous as she always does. She totally does need a sandwhich, though.

OOOh wow that was amazing everything you said was spot on. I laughed soo much.

Yes, yes to everything you have said.

Especially the bit about Jax's hair.

I'm glad someone else finds Sebastian Roche's acting painful to watch (I'm assuming its "painful" for you so go with it). I haven't watched him much lately but in the Nic portion of the storyline, I used to have a tiny seizure every time he tried to yell. I'm tired of reading how people think he's "great/amazing/talented/don't get me wrong, I love HIM but hate this storyline". ugh. I can't tolerate him OR the storyline.

As for Anna, Guza is a liar so I won't get my hopes on that one either.

The Sonny duh face is priceless. And typical.

And last, and probably least, while I don't find Becky Herbst all that attractive, I did like how they had her dressed down for the park the other day. It was a breath of fresh air on an otherwise stinky show. Even if it was a little commercially.

I don't think the problem is that Roche is bad, I think the problem is that he out-acts every person he's in a scene with. Mind you, I hate most of the people on this show, so I'd never agree that they're any good.

Eh, agree to disagree.

Love your blog!!!

Another SR acting quirk......he's almost always eating or drinking lately!?!?!?! Chocolates w/ Carslut, pretzel w/ Coop, scotch or tea w/ Nik, Em, and Robin. Maybe it is a Guza suggestion? Another movie inspired stolen idea a la Brad Pitt in the Ocean's series. He was constantly eating in those movies. BUT HE WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!

Or maybe SR has finally realized he is on a terribly written show and can only survive the insanity of the crapfest by making the most of craft services. If I was him I'd be drunk and fat in a month!!!!!!

SR to Guza after reading a script-"Jerry is now a terrorist because he was a lousy criminal who got tortured by more effective criminals and turned in his lover to escape death? And he shoots old friends and ruins his brother's life on purpose for what, shits and giggles? ....Pass me a scotch neat and a cheeseburger STAT."

This blog is one of the greatest, one of the funniest things I've ever read. And ICAM with everything that is said in it. Sometimes I think about what an awesome show this once was, how more than a few characters were worth rooting for and a certain group of them didn't hog all the airtime. I still maintain the only good thing left is SCRUBS. They're the only reason why I'm *here* and we're lucky to get them two minutes a week. What's wrong with this picture?

I love your column and agree with almost everything you said. But I disagree on Sebastian Roche who I think is a very good actor that makes me enjoy even his stupid scenes. Okay, that would be all of his scenes given Guza is writing this craptacular show. But so much word on the too much Carly and Jason points. I can already see the writing on the wall that Jason and Lulu is the next destiny couple after Jason and Liz end. Maybe it's just me. And honestly, I'm beginning to think with this Jerry and Carly sniffing around each other thing that is going on that there is now a GH rule that all new men over 30 on this show must first pass through Carly's glittery hooha as a sort of initiation event before being allowed to move on to another female. Now that I think of it, all the new women arriving in Port Charles over 30 have to take a ride on the magic penis before they can move on too. I guess this is proof that Sonny and Carly are the real destiny couple on this show! Thanks for your column. It's always a good read.

As always, love the blog. And thank goodness I'm not the only NOT swooning over SR. Does nothing for me as an actor. Of course, it is entirely possible that he's only now discovering how horrible this show is and he is trying too hard. Probably won't be long before he simply gives up.

Guza thinking that the Jerry/Craig backstory is great explains why the show is a total crapfest. Dude doesn't have a freakin' clue.

Won't hold my breath on the Anna returns front. Been there and been bitch slapped by Guza once. Not volunteering for that again.

I despise this show for ruining formerly great characters such as Jax (and Lucky, Anna, Alexis, etc.)and for not showing more Scrubs and Patrick simply hotly existing!

I'm sorry,but do you ever write a blog without bashing the hell out of these stars?It is not even fun anymore.Maybe you need a new hobby.

Maurice, is that you?

Great blog and I totally agree--DO NOT BREAK UP MAXIE AND COOP to do Maxie/Logan nastysex. Just ewwww. Also, loved the theory about Jax's God-awful hair. You're always good for several hearty laughs a week!

All right. I think I have been patient. I ran away from GH, gave up on Y&R and AMC broke me. I agree with your gripes about the state of those shows, but I don't care. Why? Because of Days of our Lives. It's funny, interesting and--dare I say it....enjoyable--on purpose! Where are the Days blogs? You don't have to be 100 percent positive, some of it still silly. Why do Belle, Shawn and Phillip need to live together to find a toddler lost at sea in the Pacific? Jerry Craig over-rated ass gets a post and the return of Tony DiMera doesn't rate a mention! Jax's hair is more important that John Black and coming out of his coma and, initially, only able to emote through the! Guza and Co. marginalize and diminish Genie Francis's contributions to the show. I'm sorry but what's new about that? It's the same ole crap. But on Days, Marlena expressed genuine and appropriate concern for Sami and Sami finally let go of all of her crap with John! And I know you don't think Becky Herbst is more attractive then James Scott--must I remind you that James Scott completes you. I know Evil But Twinless is on vacation, but I expect better.

Promising Ingenue, I for one am shocked and appalled that you have dared to write your own opinion on the the subjects you are interested in on YOUR OWN FREAKING BLOG. Shame on you.

Yes! Finally someone who call SR out on his over-acting. He was fine in his February stint (although still not "all that" IMO) but since his return he seems to regress daily -- at least Maurice Bernard gave it a year or two before he started phoning it in. As an acting choice, cramming your mouth full of food in every scene lacks the sensuality that a nibble or two here or there does. Also, as many have noted, it's a direct ripoff of Brad Pitt. Mr. Roache? I know Brad Pitt. You, sir, are no Brad Pitt.

Speaking of over-acting, TG has a tendency to chew the scenery when he's bored but how great was his restrained, compelling performance with JMB yesterday? Straight ahead great acting. (Take a note, Mr. R.)

BTW Bourgeois Nerd, what the heck is a bukkake orgy -- or do I want to know? (IM me on the TWoP board with the answer!)

Just love the Becky Herbst lurve. Yes, her character deserves a big ole soapy smack-down for her lies and I know newly-crazy Sam is just the gal to do it but that's okay by me -- I enjoy every moment she's on screen. (BTW, how much did she rock her scenes yesterday with Luke and Lulu? Such a good actress.)

You blog everything I have been thinking!

The changing history bit about the rape was just stupid. Anyone can just go to Youtube and see the episode for themselves! Besides that, Luke raping Laura while she was still married to Scotty was part of the key that turned Scotty into the hard-edged, bitter man that he is today! It was after Scotty discovered the rape that he went to kill Luke and then Luke and Laura ran away together. The way they changed history last week made absolutely no sense and it was insulting to the audience.

About Liz, the girl had a C-section less than a month ago, and she is lugging the baby and picnic gear by herself, to the park or to the coffee house? Apparently none of the writers have experienced one of those either!

Seriously, I'm still laughing at the image of Jax trying out for a boy band.

My only question is this...can Cam's tell-all book be titled "Bitch, Please"? Please.

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