Taking "Harebrained" To a Whole New Level

You know, for a place that routinely sees an astronomical number of catastrophes like hurricanes, epidemics, train wrecks and hostage crises, Port Charles really lucks out in terms of the kinds of schemers, international terrorists and general crazies that come to town. Because, really, they are not very good at what they do.

This does go a long way in explaining how Sonny and Jason have managed to stay in power for so long, since it's not like any of their rivals is capable of crafting a villainous plan from start to finish without getting distracted in the middle of it by laughing at just how hilarious the world "evil" is when you really look at it, or contemplating whether not having a mustache to twirl malevolently makes or breaks your career in villainy. Hell, half of these people can't get past "I'm going to do something really bad, like---oh, a Snickers!"

And I know that these people are allegedly villains, so I am not supposed to be rooting for them, but it's really hard to watch a show and get caught up in the drama because there IS no drama to be had since it's the invincible mobsters and friends vs. the "If I only had a brain" gang. I wonder who will come out on top, the people on screen every day or the short term characters who can't tie their own shoes? Those are some high stakes!

Remember when Fivehead first came to town and we were all, "What a massive fivehead" and then we sort of moved past that and grudgingly gave her our respect for calling the mafia lifestyle out for what it is (dangerous, illegal, immoral and gross)? Good times. And now she's gone ahead and slept with Sonny (multiple times, ew) and proved to us all that she's not good at crafting revenge schemes.

Her whole scheme to get back at Sam for killing her father (in self-defense, but she thinks otherwise) is to make Sam famous because she's heroic...ish and then...like, her revenge will be sweeter because it will be in the, um, "public eye" (sorry, you cannot convince me that anyone would want to watch Sam's show. If there was an audience for that, they would just bring back Rescue 911). Or something. It was a really bad plan to begin with.

And LITTLE DID SHE KNOW when she decided to get revenge on Sam that she'd wind up getting held at gunpoint multiple times, have to deal with disgusting oversharing AND sleep with Sonny. Even her dead dad is like, "Avenging my death is so not worth it. I think you should go see a shrink to cope with all of this. And maybe get an STD test, just in case". How many times do you have to have a gun in your face before you cut your losses and run? Sam is obviously tragic, I don't think public humiliation will have an impact on her tragedy levels. Can your life get much worse when you are dating the second coming and are unable to have his holy children?!?!?! According to the show, it makes Sam subhuman!

I know that Jerry is new at the whole "criminal mastermind" thing since he's only been doing it for a few years and has always been somewhat dim, so he's not going to be perfect at it, but his international terrorism skills are seriously not up to par. After holding a hotel hostage, your next big move is to...force two people to pretend to be dating? Good one. And now you've got another person under your thumb by making it seem like she's guilty of high crimes? Wow.

While this plan is actually working, it isn't because it's a good plan, it's because the people he is terrorizing are acting uncharacteristically stupid. Robin, Patrick, Nikolas and Emily are way too intelligent to simply roll with this, so it's maddening that they're like, "Eh? Meh. It's not worth getting worked up about." I am starting to think that they are the type of people who really do believe that deposed Nigerian princes want to split their fortunes with them.

Also maddening? The fact that Robin's secret agent parents and Nikolas's psychotic grandmother can't be called upon to help them deal with this. This plot is something Helena would have come up with in kindergarten before rejecting it as too amateur. But since we're talking about Robin, Patrick, Nikolas and Emily, and not Sonny, Carly, Jason and Sam, there's no way that they are going to save the day, so there's no reason to use all of their resources.

I truly think the person in charge of hair on this show is truly the most nefarious person to hit Port Charles in ages.

What kind of a sick bastard inflicts this upon the world? I refuse to believe that anybody out there thinks those extensions are okay. I'd sooner believe that there are people out there who write Epiphany/Spinelli fanfic.

I think that they are punishing Kirsten Storms for being awesome and adorable and part of a couple that puts the show's "core relationships" to shame. It's the only logical explanation

You know, there are times when I really like Carly and I start wondering why I ever disliked her. I think it's because I like Laura Wright, screeches and all. She has great energy and, of course, great hair.

And then Carly goes ahead and acts like a paranoid freak and verbally attacks a recovering cancer patient and is generally insane and I remember why I hate her and fervently hope for her to be written off the show. Because Alexis is totally a threat to their marriage. Totally. And not, you know, the guy who manipulated Carly into marrying him when her fiance left town. He's not a problem at all.

And Jasper. Dude. I was seriously all "Is he for real?!" and Cameron was all:

Because, seriously, what is his damage? What happened to Jax? The awesome Jax who was charming and loyal and in love with Brenda. When he asked Alexis to leave yesterday, I actually gasped. Between dissing his best friend and writing off Robin being shot (and then operated on with, like, paper clips and silly string), I am pretty sure that the Jax that I once knew and loved is no longer.

OMG, you guys, what if I am exactly right and this isn't Jax at all? What if someone got radical facial surgery and had an Australian accent transplant so that they could pass for Jax?! This is why he was so willing to take Carly back after she married and slept with Sonny and why he didn't care that Robin almost died! Because it's not Jax at all. It's an impostor! It's really...Jeff Webber!!!!!

I really shouldn't give these writers any ideas.

Comments

[jenn]

You're so right on the Jax thing. We like to call him "pod-Jax" cause he has obviously been taken by pod people and replaced with a shape-shifting one of their own.

[Rita]

I agree. Maybe Jax AND Jerry were both brainwashed and are BOTH pods. The true Jacks brothers are somewhere in Siberia, planning a daring escape from the "real" terrorists... oh only in my dreams.

[belleblack]

awww i think the exrtensions are cute. and know that they were her decision for real and not the hair people. but the colour is not right, i love this blog please update more i was having withdrawls the past few days!! xx

[danny]

In Jax's defense, Jerry is his only brother, and Jax is trapped. He's either going to have to watch the Mob Squad murder his brother, or watch Jerry executed for high crimes. I'd be doing everything in my power to make my brother disappear for good if I was in his shoes. It's gotta be confusing for him. The last time he saw his brother, he was a bumbling doofus. Now he's a international terrorist... whose plot was pretty much foiled by Sam McCall?!? (Insert Cameron's "Bitch, please" look). Well at least he's still a doofus.

In an unrelated note, I kind of miss Fivehead's replacement. The bug eyed looks of sexual insanity she gave Sonny really touched me. There's gotta be a special place for her in the Expression Hall of Fame. Well, I'm off to write another graphic and steamy encounter in my ongoing tale of unbridled passion between Spinelli and Epiphany. Want a spoiler? Ghost Alan watches... and likes what he sees!

[Sarah, becoming a regular]

Danny, that last line made me throw up a little in my mouth. Epihanelli or Spiniphany????? LOL Spinelli is a bit annoying, but I like him. And Lulu is a user, she used to be great in the beginning. As soon as she sought out advice from Carzilla and followed it she ended up pregnant by her married step brother and having an abortion. So a clever girl like Lulu chose to KEEP emulating Carslut and seeking her advice and ignore the bond she had begun forging w/ Robin. Carly kidnapped your nephew, Robin took you to the Markhams...hello????? Robin and Lulu actually had a cute and relatable older/younger woman friendship. But GH hates those now. Hence no Alexis and Robin either. The only friends now are Sam and Amelia...ick. Idiots. Spinelli, he deserves better than both of Lulu or Pip.

Speaking of Pip, why is she such a relentless bitch to Robin? Making fun of Patrick flirting with teeanaged whorey sluts in front of her? How classy and professional Pip, you nasty hypocrite. I still reel from the smackdown she gave her when Robin had the "audacity" to suggest to Liz that her hospital bedridden husband needed some extra attention. Liz was too busy flirting back w/ Patrick to notice her husband's drug abuse and raging jealousy, but Robin saw it coming and tried to help the couple who used to be her friends! And Epiphany basically said Liz was a far superior woman and Robin was a moralistic bitch who should butt out. After all the propping Pip has done for Liz, today she insinuates she knows Jasus is the Real Baby Daddy. Vomit!

JAX. What a waste. His beloved marraige makes me want to scream. His wife of 11 days threatens to leave him for her 4 time ex husband who she only divorced 14 days ago if Jax dares to talk to Alexis or hire her to keep him from joining Jerry at Gitmo for being an accomplice to a terrorist! Nice loving trusting marraige there. And Jax caves like a total spineless brainless loser. He'll be the new Jason in her life in no time. Carly is a jealous pathetic manipulative bitch! And she and TIIC try to portray her as strong and independant and Robin as jealous and insecure? WTF? Carly is jealous of Alexis because she is intelligent, accomplished, compassionate, brave and strong...everything Carly is NOT. Just the same way she is STILL jealous of Robin. But GH lets Carly spout crap about both women and the men let her, like it's true or acceptable. And Robin and Alexis can do nothing more than shake their heads in disgust.

I miss good GH! Is it ever going to return?

[kazoo]

I'm half-n-half when it comes to Jax. It's ridiculous for him to defend his brother *shooting* someone with the "it's only a flesh wound" type rationale. The damage was considerable and, worse, as many have mentioned, was Craig not allowing medical personnel on-hand to tend to Robin, but rather to have Carly stitch her up MacGyver-style with the equivalent of shoelaces and a sharpened popsickle stick. Ridonkulous. However, I'd probably have a tough time adjusting if it were my brother -- so flat out disbelief and then rationalization is someone understandable (if asinine).

I actually empathize more with Jax's decision to stand by Carly. Oh, at first I had to swear at the tv through a red-haze enveloping my vision. However, it was interesting when Jax told Carly he had not believed her when she threatened to go to Sonny. To me that's the crux of the matter. He chose not to embarrass the woman he had vowed to love and protect. She was acting crazy out of fear and frustration and Alexis happened to be the nearest *safe* target after the blow-up with Craig and Jason. I don't usually like Carly -- and I certainly didn't want to see her marry Jax -- but my heart melted a bit to hear Jax tell her he stood by her and wouldn't allow her to feel stupid in front of anyone. So I saw that less as caving in to Carly's demands (although that was my initial interpretation) and more being one hell of a great guy. He knew he could deal with Alexis later -- but when you're married you side with your wife regardless of whether it's a mother-in-law or a BFF. Wow! Who'd have ever thought GH writers would have a clue about relationships?

[Promising Ingénue]

Danny, you're so wrong that you're right. Spinephany 4Ever<333

belleblack, I am distressed that those extensions were Kirsten's choice! I like extensions in theory, but her regular hair is so cute. This is something that I will have to discuss with her on one of our shopping trips after I befriend her (we will also have milkshakes and talk about how swoon worthy Jason Gerhardt is).

You all make very good points about Jax and his relationships with Carly and Jerry. I just get caught up in how awful this show is and I become shrieky and hysterical, not unlike Carly herself.

[Roxiebell]

Come on now! Nikolas definately had a better reason to put up with and "roll with" Jerry's actions since his life was on he line. Cut the guy some slack, no one else does not this show. Nik's good pal Robin had incentive as well because she is a caring person and remembered that if Nikolas hadn't carried her out of MC she's be dead.

I don't think for a second that Emily & Patrick, between the two of them, have a brain stem let alone any intellegence. Emily did what she usually does, something STUPID for her own personal interest. Since she is back in love with Nikolas again so his life is worth something to her. And Patrick got involved because of his HUGE Ego he couldn't stand the thought that any woman, especially Robin, would ever not want him.

[danny]

Next up... the night Edward amd Bobbie shared. Seriously, aside from Botox. what else has she done?

[Regency]

So I take it no one else giggles when James (so not Jerry) and Alexis share scenes? Just me? Well, they're hotter than the secret affair Monica and Edward have been having for years. Hey, if she'll go after Ned(hmm...), Edward's fair game.

Carly's just a screech. And Kate is great. They've both risen from the beer-can laden ashes of the trailer park to become...brave, and strong, and loving with their whole hearts.

At least, I still love Spinelli and Tracy. They're still awesome. The writers cannot ruin what the actors have made. Thank god.

Jacks brothers are my babies. Hands down. Evil, sans testicles, or sexy as hell.

[Emily]

Hilarious as always! I really like "pod-Jax"; I think I might have to steal it.

I totally agree about Robin, Patrick, Emily and Nikolas being dumbed down to the nth degree for the purposes of this storyline. They are supposed to be smart! They have connections to the PCPD (ok, that probably won't do them any good), crazy granny, super spies, and Luke. Someone should be able to help them, right?

It was one thing when Nikolas was being poisoned, but going along with the "Emily-as-terrorist" thing is just pathetic. Next thing you know, Craig will be threatening them with hair extensions! "Did you see what I did to Maxie? That's only the beginning of my evil plot..."

[Brett]

Totally off topic, but I think I've found the key to Jason and the hairdo...courtesy of a photo currently posted at the GH scoops link at soaptownusa.com. It's the last photo on the page

I don't mean this as a putdown, because I've always loved Stuart Damon, but remember the late 90's (around the time of Pierce Dorman's sexual harrassment suit)? When SD put on a lot of weight and started slicking his hair straight back?

Isn't that how Jason looks now? (SB looks very fat in the pic). And didn't the look start when Alan died? Is Jason trying to pay tribute to his dad?