A Whole Lot of Ugly Goin' On

I like to think that the General Hospital wardrobe department personnel are collectively on medication, or have some kind of bet about who can go the longest without foisting some hideous ensemble on a poor unsuspecting soap star.  But then either the meds run out, or like in the Seinfeld "Master of My Domain" episode they all decide that the payoff is worth more than the bet, and BOOM . . . cavalcade of fugly.  One fashion disaster after another.  Take, for example, the last couple of days in Port Charles.

Is she a lawyer . . . from 1982?  Is she trying to recreate the least interesting lawyer character in the history of television, L.A. Law's Abby Perkins?  Is she going directly from the courthouse to appear in a community theater musical production of Working Girl?  (Which, side note, I think could be a hit on Broadway.  Let the geniuses behind Legally Blonde: The Musical at least take a shot.)  Is she finding increasingly creative yet heinously unattractive ways to cover up the fact that she's wearing a bullet-proof vest to guard against the wrath of her murderous employers, given how openly she (much to my delight) mocks them? 

This woman is so stylish that she reads high fashion magazines and squees over meeting Couture's editor-in-chief?  Really?  Maybe she just has a girlcrush on Kate.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

This show and the dress-over-pants nonsense.  Grrrrr.  Stop it!  Stop it this instant!  I cannot improve upon the Fug Girls' rants on this topic.  GH wardrobe department, prepare to be schooled:  1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   10

Also, that bag is dreadful.  However, her hair and makeup are perfection.  Yin and yang, and all that.

Carly's inappropriate jail-wear collection continues to baffle the fashion world:

Maybe I'm wrong, but I really think your attire for visiting your best friend in the slammer should be at least a smidgen different from your "he's going to be sorry he cheated on me, just wait until he sees how many numbers I get in this top at the bar after the NASCAR race" garb.  But I'm the Church Lady this week, so feel free to ignore me.

This next tragic outfit was stretched over about a week's worth of episodes.  Among other things, it featured 1) a large silkscreened peacock feather (!!!), 2) an utterly inappropriate and completely visible foundation garment, 3) flared white jeans (on a teenie tiny woman!), and  4) something vaguely reminiscent of the aforementioned dress-over-pants grossness. 

(Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.)

That last one doesn't really show the outfit well, but I just thought we should all say hello to Cruz.  Hey there, Detective Rodriguez.  How you doin'?

I think the hair and makeup people are in on the bet/medication too.

Is this a beehive?!?!

I knew that the Hairspray movie's evil influence would expand beyond forcing me to look at John Travolta in a fat suit and drag.  (P.S.  WTF is his accent in the trailer that's running on TV?  What is a "cohn-opuhrated laaawndromat"?)

Kelly Monaco, I like you, so I'll warn you that if you continue to let them do your hair like that, you might die.  I heard all about it when I was a kid.  Between this and the dress-over-pants warnings, I really feel like Serial Drama is providing a valuable public service today.  You're welcome.

I think it was really decent of this guy to take time out of his busy 21 Jump Street shooting schedule to do a day-part as one of Jason's minions.

I think Kimberly McCullough is adorable, and talented, and is a chemistry machine with basically any guy they pair her with.  I think she's even partially responsible for Jason Thompson's hotness.  So I say this from a place of affection, truly I do.  Here's the thing:  Her bangs are awful.  They're too short, and they're too blunt.  I'm not going to post another photo of them (it hurt me to do the one from the Emmys), because it would be too painful, for her and for all of us as viewers.  The bangs looked pretty cute a couple of months ago, but now after this recent trim they're distractingly bad.  I hope that Kimberly is in the midst of a dreaded but necessary growing-out period, and has deleted the contact information for the stylist who did this to her from her Blackberry.  And from everyone else's, if at all possible.

Kirsten Storms'/Maxie's extensions are looking a little ratty.  They're veering into Spears-ian territory.  And I do not approve of the Heather-Locklear-circa-fourth-season-of-Melrose Place roots.

There have been a few highlights amidst the fashion and hairstyling train wrecks, however.

Tracy looks great:

I mean, it's a bit "Look honey, there was a Dana Buchman sale at Nordstrom, won't this be perfect for your graduation brunch?," but I will totally take it over some of the frumpy crap they usually put poor (amazingly fierce) Jane Elliott in.  And her hair and makeup are freaking fantastic.

Kate continues to look fabulous, fabulously flirting with every man in sight and fabulously carrying what I believe was a fabulous Fendi bag.  Or rather, a good knockoff Fendi bag, I hope, because if they're buying the real thing I'm starting to understand the "we can't possibly afford Genie Francis" bullshit.

Finally . . . Jason's hair didn't threaten to send me into therapy this week.  This is the best Jason-related development in months!

Sure, if they do a feature film version of That 70s Show he's a shoo-in for a lead role (even Farrah Fawcett is like, how do you get it to feather like that?!), and he clearly still needs a haircut more than your average street person, but it's definitely an improvement now that he's ditched the Dippity-Do. Baby steps.  Or, I mean, tiny steps.  Because I think if you say the word "baby" around this guy, he'll have a breakdown.  Or will whip out the Hitman's Box of Painful Memories and Other People's Offspring.  That's like your friends bringing out the Pictures of Baby Showers and Weddings of People We Know But You Don't albums, times a gabillion.  I guess at least with the HBOPMOPO you'll be around weaponry, all the better to put yourself out of your misery.

Comments

[Skip's Girl]

ITA on all points.....Carly, what is she doing? Was she late and had nothing to wear, grabbed a scarf, wrapped it around her and called it a blouse? And when is she going to start wearing bras? Diane's bow blouse....I DID have one of those in 1982 now that I think of it. Tracy and Kate looked great. Maxie should go back to her natural (well, dyed) hair....those extensions look ratty and un-washed. Sam's hair-do, um, hair-don't....there are no words, and her underwear is showing, but I give her points for at least wearing underwear.

[LooseLips]

I actually liked Lulu's outfit. While the dress over pants thing is being overdone on GH, the blue looked REALLY nice on her....

But man do I agree on everything else - especially the Sam outfit and the Robin hair. Mistake..... :(

[Kelly]

Thank you! When that guy was talking to Jason I kept trying to figure out what his look was reminding me of. It's definitely 21 Jump Street.

I liked KMc's bangs...at first. They really aren't working anymore. Maxie's extensions never worked for me but they are getting worse. Such pretty women making such bad hair decisions.

That Diane top made me gasp out loud. Utterly ridiculous. Then again, GH has repeatedly demonstrated they have no idea how to dress women professionally. Part of me wants her to run into Kate in that outfit so that Kate can give her the eye of shame---while looking fabulous no doubt.

Jason's hair is still putting me in therapy. Then again, that might have something to do with who the hair is attached to.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

I wasn't thinking 21 Jump Street for the henchman as much as, "Helloooooooo, sailor!" Could he have been any more flaming? Adds credence to the "gummi bears and gay porn" theory of what the hell the "coffee business" actually involves.

I support KMo's wonderful knowledge that her knockers need proper support (are you LISTENING, LW?), but there's no excuse for letting your bra straps show. It just makes you look cheap.

I would totally agree that GH has no idea how to dress professional women based on Diane and Alexis' frequently horrifying suits, but how do we then explain Amelia? Her wardrobe is fantastic! I think the actress brought the wardrobe department cookies or something. Get to baking, other GH castmembers, and you, too, could actually look good!

[JasonWatcher]

As usual, your screencaps made me shoot rootbeer out my nose and laugh until tears leaked out of my eyes. The only one funnier was the one where you had Kelly Monaco doing the "quotes" face. You ladies truly perform a public service!

[ElementaryDays]

Oh! OH! Sam's outfit is just...there are no words to express the wronging amassed. True, I don't like KMo's acting, but she doesn't deserve that.

And how much do I love that you linked to the fug girls repugnance for dress-over-pants wear? Just as much as I hate this trend that has come and gone TWO SEASONS AGO. Unless you're in your third trimester, maternity wear is not flattering people!

As much as I agree that GH's continued war on the female body warrants a blog, I'm expecting a full report on the awesomeness that Days has been pulling off with the vets this past week. From the DiBoogie at the DiMansion to the Steve and Hope kiss, there was way too much squee-inducing soap going on these past few days.

[Jess]

Oh, Diane, I love how she was revealed squeeling fashion fan girl's wardrobe has gotten *worse* since.

Sam's outfit ... left me emotionally damaged.

[Jess]

that sentence possessed correct grammar in my head ... what I meant to type was

"Oh, Diane, I love how she was revealed squeeling fashion fan girl and wardrobe has gotten *worse* since."

[Helen]

HI
Well at least with KM/Sam's outfit you can see she's wearing a BRA unlike another character Carly/LW who has yet to wear a bra since she came on the show!

And I LOVED Sam's white outfit. It looked nice and cool and just right for a summer in NY! :)

Jane Elliott always dresses well even as Tracy!

[Brett]

Jason's current hairstyle takes me back to GH, the summer of '94, when the teen four-pack was Jason, Karen, Jagger and Brenda.

Of course, Steve Burton was five shades blonder,15 years younger and 75 pounds lighter then.

[GuzaSux]

Travolta's accent is supposed to be Baltimorese. Maybe if they plunked Baltimore in the middle of North Carolina. Hun.

[jase]

Oh my God, it's like Deborah Kerr at a drag king party.

[jase]

...Forgot to add, the role of "Draper Scott" on Edge Of Night in 1980 will now apparently be played by STEVE BURTON!

[shay]

I am so glad to find this! Funny stuff. Although I am a fan of GH it makes it seem so silly when you see it in type. I agree about the white Sam outfit. WTF? I would take LW's bralessness any day. I am ashamed to admit I am normally a Steve Burton fan, but HAIRCUT please. I don't like the feathered surfing early 90's hairdo of yesterday and today. I am also in agreement, dress over pants is never ok or appropriate.

[Jessica]

I agree about Kimberly M.'s bangs. She is such a pretty girl without them and the bangs completely ditract from that. Totally not flattering to her face. I was frustrated to see she had cut them again, I had hopes she would grow them out.

[ElementaryDays]

Looking at that screencap of Maxi and Coop where Coop is hotly in his black tee and Maxie is in that green and white printed scarf-top, I couldn't help but cringe at Kristen Storms' skeletal back and toddler-sized arms. Ouch. Please eat, Kristen.