General Hospital Week in Review

Well, I'll say this for GH:  It sure knows how to run the gamut.  This week brought us some of the best scenes in months (Patrick and Robin's conversation about Jason), and one of the more disturbing things in ages that isn't related to Carly's wardrobe (Logan's batcrap crazy attack on Spinelli and Lulu).  There was other stuff in between, too, including the assassination of a centaur!

This week, a court gave Scott Baldwin guardianship of Laura Spencer.  I give soap courts some leeway -- criminal trials that happen a couple of days after an arrest, leading questions during direct examination, obvious conflicts of interest by attorneys utterly ignored -- because, well, accurately portraying the legal system is kind of boring.  But you have to come somewhere close to reality.  I can't really add anything to my previous rant on this subject, other than to say that these:   

Judge:  Mr. Baldwin is empowered to act as Laura Spencer's legal guardian, and to make any and all decisions as to her care and welfare.  However, the court admonishes Mr. Baldwin to make adequate provision for Ms. Spencer's family to visit her.

...were the most ridiculous words uttered on GH this week, and there was a lot of competition.  There is no scenario on earth that should result in Scotty being Laura's legal guardian.  If they needed to drum up some soapy drama in that relationship, why not have Scott kidnap Laura from the mental hospital and keep her from her family?  It would at least have been in keeping with Scott's [relatively newfound, restored] obsession with Laura, and wouldn't have involved legal gymnastics so outrageous that they make Jason's hair look acceptable by comparison.

Yes, that outrageous.

Note to the powers that be:  These two have got to be related:

I don't even mean just the characters.  I think Kin Shriner should insist upon meeting the new kid's mom and see whether they had a night or two to remember back during the early 80s.  Those were heady times, who knows what could have happened!

Logan's similarity to Scotty in appearance, mannerisms, and voice inflections is seriously eerie.  I can totally buy the two of them as father and son, and there could be a really good story to tell about their relationship.  So of course that will never happen.  Sigh. Instead, the writers have decided to try to destroy Logan.  Great. More on that later, once the meds have kicked in.

As several of our readers have noted, Steve Burton has seriously bulked up in recent months.  Is Jason's storyline on Night Shift going to involving Ultimate Fighting?

Because I think all the semi-automatic weapons might give him an unfair advantage.

At least while Jason's in jail we're subjected to less lamenting of The Hitman's Secret Pain.  And his incarceration brought about a good conversation between Emily and Elisabeth, in which Em dropped some knowledge on Liz both about the realities of Jason's "job" and suggested Liz might be a tiny bit in love with Jason.  And who can't empathize with Liz?  Everything about "jailed, brain-damaged, emotionlessly robotic hitman babydaddy" says L-O-V-E.

Speaking of good-looking men doing themselves no favors . . . You know how they say there's a rapid-aging syndrome for U.S. Presidents? Five years for every one in office, or something?  Do you think there's something similar for actors whose characters are married to Carly? Because it did Sonny and Lorenzo no favors, and now Jax:

Usually I dread them, but I'm anxiously awaiting Ingo's next two-month vacation.  Rest up, sweetie!  Just not in the sun.

While we're near the subject of Carly, I'll follow the lead of the GH powers-that-be and make everything all about her.  Because this was a week that appears on a calendar, Carly's wardrobe was equal parts braless, heinous, and inappropriate.

She's always tacky, which I suppose is in keeping with her character, but is it necessary to completely eliminate the line between day- and evening-wear?  And if it is necessary, is one of the appropriate places to do so really a jail? 

Also because why should this week be different from any other, Carly demonstrated a remarkable lack of awareness about herself, her best friend, and her kids.

There was this disturbing conversation in which the writers once again demonstrate how completely out of touch with reality and propriety they are, by having Carly assert the moral superiority of Jason killing people for money:

Jax:  I’m not going to stand here and argue the relative merits of Jerry and Jason’s crimes.

Carly:  Good, ‘cause there’s no comparison.

Jax:  How would you know? Have you ever actually been with Jason when he’s killed someone? * You’ve got to face it, Carly. Jason can be just as cold and calculated as Jerry.

Carly:  Jason would never shoot a woman just to watch her bleed. He’d never force a man who was having a heart attack to walk out of a building but that’s exactly what your brother did . . .

* This was Carly's reaction to that bit of accuracy:

I'm not sure what's so confusing.  Jason murders people for a living, even though you've never seen it happen.  Seems pretty simple to me.

And Jason would never shoot a woman just to watch her bleed?  But he would shoot a woman if he were paid to do so by his mobster boss, right?  Does nobody remember Faith?  And Jason would never force a guy having a heart attack to walk out of a building?  HE ASSASSINATES PEOPLE FOR THE MOB.  I'm no Jerry defender, because what he did to Robin and Alan is unforgivable, but for god's sake how far do you have to stretch the concept of moral relativism to get to a place where a guy whose job is killing people for profit is your barometer of what's righteous?!  This show is so messed up.

And then there was this conversation about Michael and Morgan, who apparently are well on their way to following in their daddy's career footsteps.

Jax:  …they still need to be punished for killing the fish.

Carly:  Punish them? I’m going to reward them.

That is an awesome parenting approach.  And one that definitely won't create serial killers.

Carly:  You think Michael and Morgan are lying?  [Ed. note:  I do.]

Jax: No, I don’t think that they’re lying. I can see why Kate thinks that they’re lying. Especially after they went back for the second time to harpoon her fish.

Carly:  They’re boys. They’re little boys, Jax.

Jax:  It doesn’t make it okay. Michael is old enough and clever enough to concoct some serious mischief . . .

Honestly, Michael is creepy enough to concoct international terrorist plots.  But back in non-reality-land, I love Carly's response.  "Boys will be boys, Jax.  They kill stuff.  Duh.  I can't believe you'd question my parenting.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get to Frederick's of Hollywood before it closes, because I need an outfit for parent-teacher conferences next week."

The murdered fish in question belonged, of course, to Sonny's new neighbor Kate Howard.  I believe I've made it clear that I'm a fan of Kate. And it is impossible not to like Megan Ward, who appeared on a boatload of TV shows I love.  So it really pains me to say this.  Kate, and Megan's portrayal of Kate, is a bit over the top. 

I love that they've brought on a smart, fashionable, strong, attractive female character.  And one who isn't 19.  If you had told me a few months ago GH would do that, I would have rolled my eyes even more dramatically than Kate herself:

But they did!  And that's fabulous  How.Ever.  Her bitchiness, dramatic flair, and overall attitude has quickly become a caricature. They need to turn it down, significantly.  It's like she's on Dynasty and everyone else is on Hill Street Blues (look at me and my uber-current pop culture references!). She's just too out of place, well beyond how she should be just based on how awesome she is compared to the people she's interacting with.

That said, I still love her.  In addition to her initial accomplishments, themselves significant, she has since:

• insulted Sonny’s taste in interior decorating
• insulted Carly’s . . . everything (My favorite:  "And I’m sure you are very proud of her. But she really should consult a stylist. Those accessories?  ::dramatic fake gasp:: Stuff of nightmares."  Which prompted this side-splittingly funny defense from Sonny:  "Carly likes shiny things!")
• befriended Alexis (forget Night Shift, they should spin-off those two plus Sonny's lawyer; I would absolutely watch that)
• introduced the phrase “he assassinated my centaur!” into daytime

And the woman does give good eyeroll.  I have total confidence that this ability, combined with some toning down of the over-the-top dramatic bitchiness, will restore her BFF status.

This was actually not this week but last, but in honor of my soon-to-be-BFF-again fashion diva Kate Howard, I must memorialize this dress, even if in an untimely fashion:

Between this and Carly “Lawlessly Braless” Jacks, it's obvious the wardrobe department at GH hates breasts. Is there some kind of pro-breast colored rubber bracelet we could all wear in protest? If not, should we create one? Oooh, we could call it BoobStrong!  And proceeds could go to distributing Nordstrom lingerie department gift certificates to random passers-by at malls, and certain wardrobers at ABC.

It's official, we are reviving our intervention plans.  Please note the relative width of Kirsten Storms' thigh, and the lamp:

To quote my father when I went through a phase of emulating Kate Moss, if she turns to the side she looks like a zipper.  Enough is enough!

Apparently Awesome Writer escaped from his/her shackles this week, and created a series of fantastic scenes between Robin and Patrick. Robin told Patrick all about her relationship with Jason, including how Jason used to be a smart, ambitious, charming guy.  Patrick was hotly perplexed by this background information about the guy who now remorselessly kills other human beings for money:

But he was also hotly entertained by some of Robin's story:

And ultimately he was hotly sympathetic about all that Jason lost in the accident, and how Robin lost Stone and then Jason:

So the whole conversation was just fantastic, accurate (no historical errors -- a possible first for modern-day GH!), and realistic; it seemed like an actual conversation that an actual couple would actually have.  Since GH isn't the campy, horse-in-the-morning-room kind of show, but is instead supposed to be more grounded, this was a welcome change of pace.  (It goes without saying that Kimberly McCullough and Jason Thompson were fantastic; I am really looking forward to Night Shift.  Yes, even though the hero/hitman is going to be in every episode.)

However, what was going on here?

Darling showrunners, I know you're a bit dim, so let me help you out.  When thousands of eeeee!ing fans wrote in to say they wanted to see Patrick in his underwear, this is not what they meant.

From the divine, to the ridiculous.  Spinelli.  I can't say I'm over him, because, to paraphrase Ross Gellar, I was never under him.  The actor is capable, but goddamn I cannot handle this annoying (and creepy and weird) third-person-speak and mobster-adoration that the writers make him spout.  Some egregious examples beyond this one from this week:

I humbly offer to remain your trusted and loyal friend.

The Jackal is about to release a webworm that will wreak havoc on your system. I’m talking total annihilation.

Blonde one, blonde one, blonde one, all is well, okay? The Jackal is unharmed.

You know dude, if you want to protect the blonde one from distress, banish the knuckle-scraper and his unwanted advances. . . . The unworthy one drove his fist into my face, and forced an unwelcome and disgusting kiss on Lulu’s beautiful lips.

Now, I love me some geeks.  Even on soaps -- Nick on Days is awesome (and hot).  Hell, I am a geek.  But I must repeat, NO HUMAN BEING TALKS LIKE THIS.  It passed annoying months ago.  Make it stop.  And on a more shallow note, can we talk about his hair?

Just . . . NO.  There's really nothing more to say.

Well, not about the hair, anyway.  I will have to discuss Spinelli's role in the worst scenes of the week.

Because when you make mobsters the heroes of your show you have to make the "bad guys" extra despicable, this week the writers decided to try to turn Logan into a total asshole, overnight.  I should completely hate him, but I refuse to indulge the writers' bullshit.  Oh, a guy out of nowhere forces himself on the young woman who just found out her dad raped her mom, and beats up on the hapless guy we're all supposed to find endearing and defenseless.  Could they be any more transparent? 

I think maybe the writers sensed that there might be a really interesting story to tell about this new character and his stunning likeness to a longtime member of the canvass who is not connected to the mob, and, in an attempt to avoid such a horrible outcome, were forced by their hack nature to ruin the possibility of such good soap storytelling. 

I was disgusted by Logan's batshit crazy outburst, but I have to say I got over it pretty quickly because 1) the writers are idiots, 2) Logan's apology later in the week seemed sincere, 3) the writers are idiots, 4) Logan is hot, 5) the writers are idiots, and 6) the ensuing scenes' hilarity balanced out my outrage.

Milo's reaction to hearing about The Incident was as crazily funny as The Incident was crazily disturbing.  He "attacked" Logan:

Yeah, "attacked" him.  He's totally "attacking" him.  I must have re-wound this five times on TiVo, because it was just so WTF.  This is a photographic representation of my reaction. Only with a "hee!" or two, and maybe a guffaw.

And then Spinelli's reaction to the "attack" by Milo made my week. Because finally, I have an explanation for why Spinelli is how he is. Based on this:

I'm pretty sure he's Rain Man. 

Comments

[zarathelawyer]

Right there with you, as usual. On everything.

[Debbie]

Excellent job. I'll add my WTF moment of the week. It's Luke telling Tracy that he can't imagine a better partner than her in his life. Once you add that to his previous statement that Tracy was the first woman ever to challenge him [along with the WTFness from last November], I have a feeling that the next time Laura's name is mentioned, Luke will scratch his head and then suddenly remember her as some blonde waitress he dated back in the 80s.

While I enjoyed the Robin/Patrick scenes plenty, is it too cynical to point out that the only airtime alloted to them all week, as well as the only day in recent memory where they had more than say, 2-3 minutes onscreen, their topic of conversation was all about Jason?

I have to wonder why they glossed over Carly hell when obviously THAT would be the reason Robin is how she is, not because of the good times with Jason. Well I don't really wonder, I know why, but still...And even though Patrick mentioned knowing the reason for their breakup, I'm thinking he must know know too much about it since not too long ago he bought Robin's line about never having lived with another man before....

And yeah, about "the jackyl's" hair...does he ride his bike backwards around town everyday? Cause who in their right mind combs their hair that way????

[Courtney]

I seriously cannot truly express how much I love this blog. All I can say is everytime I read it I laugh until I have tears streaming down my cheeks!

I adore SCRUBS and this week's unexpected 'Jason talk' scenes were long overdue. I know some people had issues with the issue of Carly not coming up, or being talked about in depth, but I'm just taking into account the fact that we weren't even supposed to get this, that it was more than eight minutes long, and until Robin stops wearing a bra and/or Patrick starts growing his hair out or ordering hits on people or statues, we're not going to get a whole lot more than that. I thought they did a great job.

I can't wait for NS either!

[RevengeMaiden]

I nominate Kate's "eye roll" to the EXPRESSIONS HALL OF FAME. Kate's 'eye roll' and Cameron's 'bitch, please' are exactly how I feel most of the time when I watch GH.
I loved how Kate slammed Carsleazy and Alexis agreed -- I was cheering! Alexis Davis, Kate Howard and Diane Miller on a show -- what a BRILLIANT idea. I would so watch, too! I LOVE that trio. Watch out, Charlie's Anges!
Here's an idea for an "interesting storyline:" Alexis and Diane go into practice together: Davis & Miller, Attorney s at Law. Their screen time would be priceless. But, they would be frustrated (along with David E. Kelly) because the legal storylines in this show have absolutely no basis in fact. The cops are inept, mobsters are saints and the legal system is severely flawed: Guza just pulls anything out of his ass, declares it brilliant and puts it into the script. And that's why most of GH is shite!
(BTW, I caught the end of some commercial featuring Carolyn Hennesy in a bathing suit -- she looked great!)
Now, regarding Kirsten Storms: I am SO GLAD that you noticed her anorexic self in that scene: I gasped. Not only is girlfriend waaaaaaay too thin, but sending a bad example for the rest of us. I will never be that thin -- don't ask me to try. She reminds me of Renée Zellweger in "Chicago". Zedis Lapedis, Kirstin, EAT SOMETHING!
I agree that using 'hotly' is the best way to refer to Patrick. Let me offer up a word for Cooper: *SIGH* Has anyone EVER looked so hot in police blues with an undershirt?! Tall, cute and working out. *SIGH* More Cooper...more Cooper towering over Sonny...*SIGH*
Steve Burton has bulked up totally -- must be the only way he can work off all the frustration he must feel about his character. A suggestion: Steve, why not split your time between the gym and an ACTING class? Regarding bulking up: is no one is going to comment on Tyler Christopher?! During the entire 'Jerry Jax poisons Nikolas Cassadine' ridiculousness, all I could think was "Jerry didn't give that boy poison, he gave him steroids." Tyler is HUGE (and has man tits). WTF?!?!

Where do I send my donation for a BOOBSTRONG bracelet...?

[ElementaryDays]

Hee...Rainman. His head looks like it was licked by a giant tongue.

Aside from Spinelli's mauled head, my biggest WTF? moment was Patrick's gangsta-wear. Seriously, Jason Thompson's Hot, he doesn't need unneccessary accoutrements to try and make him hotter. Right?

Remember when Jason used to be hot?

You've hit on so many things I wonder about when I sort of tune in to the show. Logan and Scott's resemblence is un.can.ny. One of the best things about GH is it's casting department. Cute guys, decent actors and familial resemblences that are believable--cause you just know that Logan and Scott have to be related.

While on the subject of familial resemblences: Jax must be closely related to the Heat Miser (tm MichelleinPA), hence his penchant for too much sun and spikey hair. He certainly does need a good long rest--out of the sun. Poor guy. The wear and tear of being Carly's bitch is already taking it's toll.

[Rita]

I accidentally (or WAS it!?) forgot to DVR GH from Monday/Tuesday and parts of last week so I completely missed the Logan attack. So since I never saw it, to me, it never existed. You are so right. Logan is hot.

[kazou]

Thank you for commenting on Megan Ward's tendency to go OTT with Kate. (I've been hesitant to criticize her here since I know you two are BFFs.) I love the *idea* of Kate, and really like Megan Ward as well, but all too often Kate seems like someone *pretending* to be a fashion icon/snob, rather than simply *being* one. I do have hope, however, because MW simply sparkled in her scenes with both Ingo Rademacher and Nancy Lee Grahan -- the chemistry with both was ridiculous. I think if MW just has faith in herself and quits overplaying it, she'll be great because she's certainly got the looks and wild charisma to kick some ass on the show. (Of course, she should probably avoid all scenes with Diane because the actress acts her under the table, literally. THAT's how you get the most out of 3 minutes on screen, boys and girls.)

It's funny how some outfits or screen shots can suddenly crystalize something for the audience. Kirsten Storms as Maxie has looked dangerously angular for a while now but I gasped out loud when she appeared on screen in those tight black pants and vest. She looked emaciated. (GREAT screenshot/comparison to her thigh vs. the lamp, BTW, no wonder a picture is worth a thousand words.) The same sort of "aha" moment happened watching Steve Burton. I think it was the shot when Sam sat on his lap -- I realized, "Good heavens, he's ... ickily huge." Suddenly the internet erupted with comments about his bulking up.

Yay, you're back! And thanks for helping out Kazou!

I'm with 11:16 about the lack of Carly mention/cottage hell, considering that it would really explain so much. But alas, what we got was good, if not great.

Agreed on the MW front, because there's a lot of *putting on airs*, and yet, I think she's adorably cute when she scrunches up her nose and her eyes are all squinty. :)

Alexis/Kate/Diane would be an awesome trio!

And everything else, meh. :)

[Jess]

Yay, you're back! *hugs functioning blog full of snark*

It's odd, I was re-watching Spinelli's first week on the show (wait, that's not the odd part yet) and he used to be a lot less ... whatever it is he is now. I mean, he was still stoner/surfer dude and had a few of the nicknames going but it just progressively got worse until it's it spiraled into such ridiculousness that I don't know if any amount of backtracking could make everyone take him seriously.

Did I mention "Yay, you're back!"?

[Michaela]

Sweet fancy Moses, can someone feed Kirsten a sandwich? That is deeply, deeply disturbing.

[Sarah, becoming a regular]

Watching GH w/out your snarkathon is sheer hell! Don't do that again, please. I feel calmer already knowing what the Borg's secret pain truly is......he wants to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Before his debut fight in the ring he'll "accidentally" eat Spinelli to carbo load. Quarterbrain mistakes him for spaghetti...ohhhhhh!!! :-)

Sam sees ther entire grusome event yet does nothing. First, she never questions his "job" or actions. Second, she's too preoccupied with trying to get impregnated behind his back to compete with Liz and Jake.

Logan is in reality a Kin Shriner clone.

Luke's new love and devotion to Tracy destroys GH history and the fun of this emerging couple. They are not "love" per se, but companions willing to blackmail each other or anyone else to get what they want. They are the funny. But GH is ruining that too.

Jax looks 60. It's too late for sunscreen. A haircut would be nice though. I expect him to be playing shuffleboard w/ Nana w/in five years in Boca.

Carly's magical mystical hoochie of death strikes again!!!!!!! Knowing what happens to men who bang the psycho whiny needy fugly beyotch, why do they keep persuing her? Sad, so sad.

Scrubs!!!!!! That was a second t-shirt not his boxerbriefs showing. He was doing the layered tee look. The awesome writer was obviously stungunned and returned to the cage built by bras Carly never wears before those scenes were completed. Not ackowledging Carzilla and Cottage Hell, and Sonny's treating Robin like a whore before kicking her out of town was SICK and WRONG!!!! But we hardly expect more from TIIC.

Maxie/KS is very sick. HELP HER GH. It's not acceptable to let her be so sick on air and not try and help her with this disease. Anorexia kills. Eating disorders are not fashionable. Maybe Kate can very gently ackowledge the shopgirl and reccommend counseling.

Carly planning to reward her kids for murdering a pet? Sadly I'm not surprised. Goes back to the whole Jason and Daddy are soldiers crap. WTF!!!!!!!!!!! Michael has been creepily preparing to be a sociopath for some time now. With Uncle Jerry thrown in he'll be a mass killer in no time.

Don't leave me alone in scary GHland again. It's too awful w/out you to commiserate with.

[Chicklet]

Did Spinelli's mother chug-a-lug Thunderbird during her pregnancy? It would explain a lot, and make for a Very Special Storyline.

[anniechapel_1]

Even if I don't always agree - I love Spinelli!!!!! - I always think your column is hilarious! Logan is an jerk but he is eerily like Scott - who I love and refuse to let them ruin. Personally I like Logan/Maxie. But then again - I want LuSpin

[natasha]

While I do agree that Spinelli can be quite annoying, I do love him. The actor is good and I can see potential.

OTOH, I think we can safely say that there will be no GH Emmy awards for hair and makeup next year.

[jaimie]

hi
i have been searching for so long to find out where i can find a dress that kirsten storms(maxie) wore on gh..it was the night that sonny pushed spinelli into the wall at the crimson offices and she took him home to her room and he spent the night..its a very contemporary modern dress..short..green in it..please find out if its possisble..thank you

[ATrecki]

Jaimie, I have been searching for that dress forever too! I had no luck so far:( If you find out can you please let me know?

[Elisabeth]

I am so worried about KS/Maxie. I have a been a fan since her time on Days. She is such a great talent, but I can barely stand to watch her scenes anymore. She really needs to gain some weight. It looks so painfully unhealthy.