GH Week in Review: It Teaches Me So Much

General Hospital is so educational these days! Just look at the things I "learned," this week alone:

1. If you are a career woman who is unmarried without children, and you find two specific fish-murdering, trespassing children annoying, you hate kids.
2. If your infant is kidnapped, you must be suffering from postpartum depression and have done something to the baby yourself.
3. A psychiatrist can diagnose a person with postpartum depression without ever examining her.
4. That same psychiatrist can diagnose a different person with severe depression without ever examining her.
5. If a new mother cries, it must mean that she wants to harm her child.
6. If you make a deal with your boyfriend’s friend to sleep with him if he gets a girl you don’t like to sleep with him, you are awesome and he is "disgusting."
7. A grown woman can be committed to a mental institution against her will, as long as the crappiest doctor alive has a hunch that she is crazy.
8. They still use straightjackets, including for people who have not demonstrated that they pose a threat to themselves or anyone else.
9. Blaming your wife for her child being kidnapped is okay, as long as you're genuinely interested in finding the baby.
10. A detective should absolutely be allowed to participate in the official investigation of the abduction of his own child.
11. A person can go from falling-down drunk to totally sober and camera-ready in a matter of minutes.
12. You can break a criminal out of jail easily, as long as you've got a laptop and a dream.

And now for things I didn't actually need to learn because I already knew them and/or they are patently obvious:

1. NO HUMAN BEING TALKS LIKE THIS:  "The Jackal and the Godfather must join forces to eliminate Samantha as a suspect in the most grievous napping of the Innocent One."  Or this.  Or this.
2. Even Sonny can be appealing, if he is telling Spinelli to "talk English or get out of here."
3. Drunk Sam is 100 times more appealing than any recent iteration of Sam, save perhaps Traveling for Business Off-Screen Sam. (Seriously, can we band together and find Kelly Monaco a better job? It's inhuman punishment to have to play this character.)
   
4. Josh Duhon is Kin Shriner's long-lost son.
5. Diane is awesome and speaks for the viewing public.  ("For the love of god -- and high fashion -- do not let your relationship with that woman go any farther.")
6. Kelly Monaco and Greg Vaughn would be smokin' hot together.  Sam and Lucky need to comfort each other when their respective relationships implode, as they so obviously are about to.
7. Jane Elliot rocks.
8. Megan Ward has the best hair in the western hemisphere, followed closely by Laura Wright.
9. Amelia is hilarious.  (Crew guy: Where's Sam?  Amelia:  Oh, she went on a bender.  She'll be gone the rest of the day.)
10. Lucky is an asshole.  Liz is a saint.  Sam is infertile, and a mess.  Jason is a hero.  These writers are incapable of subtlety, and think we're all morons.
    

Comments

[Robyn]

Jane Elliot so rocks. Remember back in the day when she wore her hair in these little braid balls, like Mickey Mouse ears?

And I cried when I found out Spinelli was on contract. This being Disney, I was convinced they were using GH to audition the next 'wacky friend' for Hannah Montana.

[Chad]

Has Robert Guza been possessed by whatever demon was guiding James E. Reilly's actions all these years?

[penny]

I almost cried too when Bradford got on contract. It was the happiest tv related moment of the year.

[Sarah, becoming a regular]

I am shocked and appalled to admit this.....but I actually floved Sam for about thirty seconds this week. When she ditched the glass for the bottle of wine, fabulous, then proceeded to tell of Carzilla!!!!! AMEN SISTER!!!! Carslut berated Sam for not spending time w/ Jason in jail. Puhleeze, he's busy entertaining Liz and spastic Spinelli anyways. Sam said why bother Carly, you'll just barge in and interupt us like you ALWAYS have. GENIUS and TRUE!!!!! Then Sam called out the heiffer for only tuly loving and wanting one man EVER...St. Jasus...GOSPEL TRUTH!!!!! Awesome writer lives. She even mocked the ridiculous marraige betweeen Carho and Jax, basically saying Carly is just a poor fill in for Brenda as a pull toy for Sonny and Jax. I WAS IN LOVE WITH SAM for this drunken verbal bitch slap. Carly's response to slam Sam for being a couch potato on Jason's sofa made me scream HYPOCRITE! That was Carly's beloved career first and in her dreams will be again soon. Carly still sponges off Jason and Sonny in many ways. Hell, she even lived on Jason's sofa when it belonged to Robin in Brenda's old cottage. But Sam never got a chance to point that truth out. Awesome writer was stungunned and locked up before Sam could eviscerate Carzilla further. Too bad. I enjoyed drunk honest Sam. Sam is right, Carly's head will explode when she finds out she is behind not only Sam but Liz and Jake too for St. Jasus's attention and love!

Tracy is a goddess. Lainey is beautiful and I like her with Robin and Kelly. But a real pathetic doctor. Writing a shrink so stupidly and inaccurately is just criminal. The freakin' show is the name of the HOSPITAL!!!! Hello writers, WTFU!

Maxie has gone off the deep end. Logan is gross and this whole story is pervy and cruel in a mean ugly way. I hope the teen summer viewers don't emulate this shiite.

Even when a baby is abducted Spinelli keeps up the creepy speak. Sad, and beyond one dimensional. Even more depressing, he gets way more air time than Alexis and Scrubs combined.

As predicted, they are ruining Kate already. Diane is the voice of Awesome Writer. And Lucky is not even a didtant relation of the man/kid he used to be. Gorgeous and clueless, and now cruel. What a waste of beauty and history. SO GH :-(

[Jessica]

Did you happen to figure out what happened to Robin and Patrick? I'm thinking Patrick must have skipped town after Robin held a baby and she went running after him to convince him she was only HOLDING a baby and not HAVING one; thus why they haven't shown up in Port Charles for a week and a half.

I think they've been missing longer than the golden child and no one is looking for THEM. No one has even accused Anna of postpartem depression yet for crying out loud! Are they implying Jason and Saint Liz's child is more important than Patrick and Robin? Yes. Yes they are. Bastards.

[RevengeMaiden]

The only time I like Sam is when she is drunk.
Asshole Lucky is better than spineless, clueless Lucky.
Jane Elliot, Nancy Lee Grahn & Carolyn Hennesy ROCK!!!
Julie Marie Berman can effing ACT!
WTF happened to SCRUBS?!?!?!
I have one word for Ingo Rademacher and Kelly Monaco: SUNSCREEN.
Sam, stop wearing clothes from the Heidi Fleiss Outlet Store!
Has anyone else noticed that while Kirsten Storms has gotten THINNER, Rebecca Herbst has grown BREASTS!!!

...and finally, Sebastian Roché played the father of our country, George Washington, in a 20 minute film that was produced by and is shown exclusively at Mount Vernon. I know -- I saw it, I bought it.

[ElementaryDays]

Josh Duhon and Kin Shriner have become what Oprah's earrings are to me...ut.ter.ly distracting. Whenever the scene cuts to either of them, I find myself marveling at the amazing casting Teschner did there and inexplicably talking to my TV screen. "Wow...that's incredible...damn...look at that...fantastic...". No need to pity me, I'm fine. Really.

Also, noooooooo, Kelly Monaco and Greg Vaughn cannot be paired up. I'm already suffering the loss of James Scott paired with Alison Sweeny, and my main motivation in watching GH is for the hotties. I'm shallow. Greg was there before all the other current cute boys and was what kept me peaking in every once in a yonder. Kelly seems cool and all, but I can't watch her. She bugs. Bad. If Greg and Kelly are hooked up, I'll be lost with no sense of where to look. Patrick and Robin are hardly on, Cooper is paired with a lollypop...all I have left is unLucky. Spare him, please.

[Aydee]

So glad you mentioned "DEE-VORCE," which has been driving me crazy for years. As has just about everyone's pronunciation of infant as "beebee." I only pray they never do another SERRAGUSSY story.

[Snacky]

...wait, "Carslut?"

I'm just. I had a comment, but "Carslut" completely erased it from my mind.

[Evil But Twinless]

Yikes. Yeah guys, let's try to avoid any slut/whore talk, okay? It's not cool. I think it's important we let the GH writers keep the market on misogyny cornered. Plus it makes me, with my five simultaneous boyfriends, feel bad about myself.

We're also just anti-nickname around here. It's confusing for more casual viewers/readers.

[minirth]

I love Drunk Sam! She's so much fun!

But Liberated from Crying & Mooning Over Jason Sam shouldn't be wasted on Lucky -- she needs someone she could spark with. I want to see her with Cruz! Plus, then we'd see more of Cruz.

[Kentishad]

Funny as hell!

Lucky is an ass. First for blaming Liz only to apologize and then blame her again. Sam is pathetic. Lainey shouldn't have a license. Gotta love Tracy!