Days Short Week in Review (Damn You, Tennis!)

It was short but mostly good week in Salem.  Today and tomorrow Days is preempted because apparently someone somewhere decided that world-class tennis matches were more interesting that Tony DiMera on a horse in the morning room or James Scott being shirtless, so to that person I say:  WHATEVER. 

(I actually love tennis, and since the short preview has me worried that the Colleen/Santo story and requisite accents are going to be of The Suck, I'm fine with waiting until next week for it.)

First, the best thing to happen this week:  ALICE!

There had been reports that Frances Reid would no longer be appearing on Days, so this was a delight.  She brings such heart to the show.  I will even bust out the very rare species known as the Justified Nonhumorous E-hug:   

(((((Frances Reid as Alice Horton)))))

Okay, that's my schmoopiness maximum for at least the week. 

The Hope/Bo/Anna/Roman stuff early in the week was fabulous.  I know that "Roman" and any positive attribute in the same sentence will be tough to adjust to, but I think we just might have to acclimate ourselves if these types of interactions continue.  Particularly those in which everyone mocks Roman, to his face.  For example:

Roman: Long story short, okay? One minute we’re at each other’s throats, the next minute, we’re somewhere else.
Hope: Fireworks, were there?  [Ed. Note: What, Yoda?] How were things between the two of you this morning?
Roman: I don’t know.
Hope: Huh? What? What do you mean?
Roman: I left the hotel before she woke up.
Hope: You did what?
Roman: I had errands, okay?! I wanted to make sure the car got washed before it got too crowded!

Hasn't he watched When Harry Met Sally? It's not "I have errands," it's "I have an early squash game."  This whole exchange cracked me up, partially due to the fact that Kristian Alfonso and Peter Reckell in particular do comedy really well, and partly because it's just well written.  "I wanted to make sure the car got washed!"  Dude, you haven't had sex since before Tom Cruise went super-crazy, and you have some  serious issues that I won't get into again with your visage. Not to mention that there are 14-year-olds with better game.  You need to forget the car and make that woman breakfast in bed and possibly paint her toenails and pick up her dry cleaning.  She's waaay too good for you.

Later there was more fun:

Roman: I happen to be very well tuned-in to the opposite sex.
Bo: Yeah, you should have your own talk show.
Roman: You think this is funny?
Bo: A little bit, yeah.

Hee!  Then:

Roman: You’re not going to forgive me for this, are you?
Tamaranna: Well, we could go back to my hotel room and start this day over, and see what happens then.
Roman: What are you trying to say?

I love that the writers have finally clued in and just decided to intentionally write Roman as the doofus he's morphed into over the last decade or so.

Yay, Kayla's back!  A reader reminded me that Mary Beth Evans has been off shooting I Wanna Be a Soap Star (she's a judge! not that I care because of course I would never watch that show), so I now forgive Kayla going to the longest medical conference in the history of civilization.  I cannot forgive, however, how they continue to dress the fabulous Ms. Evans:

She is not obese.  There's no reason that people who are paid to dress actors in a way that makes them look great on camera (let's assume for the sake of argument that that's the mandate of the Days wardrobe department) should make her look like that.  Kayla is a doctor, so she can afford great clothes; there's no character-driven reason to so detract from how lovely Mary Beth Evans is.

It is a bit unfair for all the women on this show who have to share scenes with Kristian Alfonso, because she appears to have found some heretofore undiscovered mid-40s upward trajectory for looking spectacular.  For a while there she was in desperate need of a cupcake, but lately she's healthily gorgeous.

I don't care if she sold her soul to the devil to look like that, it was a fair deal.

I know it's just a picnic, and I don't expect people to be dressed to the nines, but I had some issues with several of the 4th of July party attendees.

Why was Lexie dressed like it was January?

I'm sure it's easy to lose track of the seasons when you're trapped, hissing and caterwauling in a tunnel underneath a 1980s piano bar, but since apparently Hope is her new best friend she could have at least told Lexie that it's summertime.

I have, in the past, been a vocal advocate of the guy who plays Max cutting his hair.  This latest cut, however, has me worried. 

It's very Posh Spice.  Which, if it's what he was going for and it signals an upcoming drag storyline, I'm totally on board, because anything is preferable to the cousin- and niece-lovin'. But I suspect his stylist might have been going for something different.

Peggy McCay is actually looking a bit more human these days, which is good, considering where she had ended up last year.

Nothing says "happy day that celebrates the independence of our nation" like regaining the ability to express at least some emotion with one's facial muscles.

Lucas getting turned on by Sami's pregnancy yoga was disturbing. I'm a bit worried that they're modeling these two after John and Marlena, because they keep talking explicitly about the stuff they want to do to each other, and no amount of soft-porn-in-the-afternoon can make a couple seem hot if they're not.  Ali Sweeney and Bryan Dattilo work well together and have a lot of history on the show, but Sami and Lucas have never been a red-hot couple.  I think the writers are trying to compensate for the Sami/EJ (or maybe it's Ali Sweeney/James Scott) chemistry by dialing up the sex talk and every time they do that, it has the opposite effect for me. 

Also, and this doesn't just apply to Lucas and Sami, the Days sound guys have got to turn the mics down when people are making out.  It's crazy!  I think I can hear dolphins communicating in the Pacific Ocean on those things.

As a result of Bo and Hope's conversation this week, I would like to officially request that everyone refer to diaper cream as “butt paste” until the end of time.  Thank you.

WTF? Adrienne bought the Cheatin’ Heart? And is immediately serving underaged kids?

I'm so confused about what they're doing with Adrienne.  They're going to reveal a backstory soon, I hope?  Explaining where the hell Justin and their four children are?  And why only she has permanently relocated to Salem?  And why the wife of a gazillionaire just bought a dive bar? 

Much as I love the Cheatin' Heart set seeing some action again (they've actually switched it all around, but I won't nitpick), the scenes there were weird.  In addition to Adrienne serving the non-legals, Steve didn't object to seeing his daughter in a bar, drinking beer?  The writers need to decide how old this Stephanie/Chelsea/Abby (if she ever returns from...wherever the heck it is that she is) crew are, because they keeping jumping around. Supposedly Chelsea took the stupid Touch the Sky Airlines job to help pay for her freshman year of college, and while for a while there she was among the most annoying people in the world, I don't think she was among the dumbest, so it shouldn't have taken her seven years to get through high school.  She's not Shawn.  (Much like others, boy is pretty, but dim.)

And then there was Adrienne wisely advising Steve some more about how to handle the fact that his daughter is dating an ass.  Except the wisdom took a momentary vacation:  "C’mon Steve, he’s a Horton. He comes from a good family."  Oh, Adrienne.  How many times to do I have to tell you people that THIS IS NOT MIKE HORTON'S SON.

Jeremy smarming that he's a "rebel," like Steve, was ridiculous. Steve grew up in an abusive household in which among other things his father raped his sister, and then later lost an eye in a fight, in addition to about a thousand other soapy bad-boy staples, so he is allowed to be a rebel.  When the son of two doctors who got to travel internationally and have every convenience acts like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and treats people like crap, it's not called rebellion, it's called being an asshatty douche.

I know we're supposed to hate this character (so...congrats, writers?), but the powers-that-be are going to need to give people a reason to watch Jeremy, because I have more than enough television hatred in my life.  I watch General Hospital, after all.

Rachel Melvin is working on her bitchface in a way that impresses me greatly.

Come on, that's near-perfect.  She could cut diamonds with that look.

Nick's moping around town is increasingly annoying, but he redeemed himself almost entirely in my eyes when he told Chelsea she was probably overreacting about Jett's fiancee cheating on him, because they "could be swingers or something."  Ha!

Unfortunately that was the only moment this week (or in several, actually) that I was entertained by the "younger set" storylines.  I might be crazy, but won't kids out of school for the summer watch, regardless of whether or not there are 18-year-olds running around doing stupid crap in Vegas?  It seems really condescending.  But when I was 18, bicycle shorts were in style, so I'm probably not the best demographic representative of what the kids these days want.

So the John and Marlena scenes yesterday started off innocently enough.  A couple at the beach for the 4th of July.  How nice!  Then we went over to the dark side.  And I'm not sure we can ever find our way back.  I know I'm permanently damaged.

When the making out started on screen, the nauseating started in my living room.

John:  Mmm, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

Who says this non-facetiously?!

Marlena:  Oooh, mama!

What.The hell?  I might never gather the will to have sex again.  "Oooh, mama"?!?!?  Stop the madness.

I really don't want to turn into the Church Lady on a permanent basis, but I thought this was a bit daytime-inappropriate:

...mostly because in addition to the groping, there was loud, orgasmic-like moaning.  I'm just going to say this.  It's not ageist, because I would think the same thing if she were 30 years younger. Deidre Hall has GOT to STOP with the moaning noises.  It's not sexy. It's gross.  She and Drake Hogestyn are both in great shape and play veteran characters and I absolutely think they should be on the canvas, but I'm not kidding when I say that if I didn't "have" to for the blog and the column, I would fast-forward the second I saw either of them enter a frame.  The moaning and sex talk is just out of control.  The sex talk is the fault of the writers (who demonstrate with Sami and Lucas on a regular basis that they think in order to portray a couple who is hot for each other they have to literally talk about what they're going to do to each other every second of the day), but the moaning seems to me like it's an acting choice and it's HORRIBLE.  It's not soapy goodness, it's not fun diva-liciousness, it's not campily awesome, it's unwatchable. 

The physical stuff is weirdly gross too.

Um?

And they have got to stop kissing like they're going to consume each other's faces whole.  It's totally traumatizing.

I hope they both checked to ensure they still have their uvulas.

Comments

[Lisa]

I hate to break it to ya, but Butt Paste is an actual product: http://www.buttpaste.com/
And it ROCKS- it was the only thing that helped my son's diaper rash.

[Lisa]

Oh by the way: why oh why did you have to put pic of beach!sex up? Didn't I suffer enough yesterday?!?!

[Claire]

Oh, they've been doing this for years. Drake's through-the-nostril moaning are almost as bad as her open-mouthed gasps. And speaking of open mouths... Hairy Fingers is totally mining for coal down there. Ick.

[LD]

I am really with you on the Lucas and Sami comment, completely true(but when are you not). Even though the show is getting a lot better,with a few minor changes it will be watchable to people. But in the mean time you should bring the church lady, every once in a while, if possible. (it gives me nostalgia of the time SNL was good.)

[esp13]

Yay! on Kayla being back. I'm about the only person on the planet that doesn't hate MBE's wardrobe, but I'm okay with that. I did love seeing her in jeans though. And, even though it was a brief scene, we had Kayla smacking Steve and Steve kissing her into submission. I'd say the real S&K are finally back.

Wasn't impressed with the J&M beach scene. Those two really need to watch Bo and Hope and Steve and Kayla and realize it's possible to be a cute and sexy "older" couple without all the moans and groans and face-eating.

For a short week and not a lot of plot development it was pretty good. I love seeing the Cheating Heart back as a set and I hope it makes a regular appearance.

[Jes]

I call diaper cream butt paste. I don't know why, but it started with my youngest.

[Evil But Twinless]

Lisa, I had no idea it was an actual product. That's too funny.

[Caitlinlaurie]

Lol, it is all so true. Marlena and John need to ask Bo and Hope to teach them how not to be uber creepy. I am hopeful the the Santo/ Colleen Storyline will not suck, and that their accents are so awful that they start to sound good after a while. Let's face it all I really care about is that the Santo/Colleen scenes lead to a love scene that requires James to remove his shirt. It has been to long! Who are they saving it for????

[Tripp]

For such a short week, it was pretty good in spite of the nauseating younger set (You forgot to mention Nick's other good line. When Jeremy cracked another eye joke about Steve, Nick told him to share with Steve. "He loves Pirate jokes." Oh, how I wish Jeremy had).

The J&M stuff was just....that first scene nearly had me hit the delete key on my Tivo because FFing wouldn't get them out of my site fast enough. And I know Drake is very hary, but there is no need to give us a direct armpit view.

Kayla is back! I thought her outfit was okay, thank goodness she was in jeans but the sweater needs to go. I guess it must be cold on the set because Hope and Lexie were wearing long sleeves. Maybe that's what separates the older actors from the younger ones?

Max's better hair obviously stayed in Vegas.

[Stephanie]

I admit I don't watch DOOL but I still enjoy reading your recaps beause they're hilarious. I'm still laughing over your remarks on Marlena and John's beach tryst.

[francie pants]

The licking of the back of Marlena's arm/armpit had me traumatized. They need to put up warnings before scenes like those.

[Ellie]

First of all, Yoda, I literally laughed out loud at that one. And GREAT When Harry Met Sally reference.

IMO, and I'm SURE many of you will disagree with me, the issue is not with J&M but with Sheffer's finding the right balance. (Or any at all). Every single couple seems to have their significant activity take place offscreen. Roman/Anna would have taken SIX MONTHS with JER writing. We would have seen every single little detail of whatever they did together and whatever led up to it. Ditto for every other 'offscreen' couple recently.

Then, we have J&M at the beach. Yes, I enjoyed the 'acting choices' (as you very correctly put it - thank you), and yes, I am fully aware that others did not. However, I think the issue is in part that we may all be turning into "Church Ladies" because of the recent lack of seeing any couple together. Honestly, with Sheffer writing, I expected the show to begin with J&M coming to the barbecue and talking about how much fun they had with each other at the beach. (They really did this when they were at the pub and talked about 'livin on love' the night before.) Not sure why Sheffer is so averse to 'soapy' scenes, but I personally am glad that Drake and Deidre are not.

I've really enjoyed the scenes with Leann Hunley. Her scenes are really a breath of fresh air, and she never fails to make me laugh.

I could have gone my whole life without seeing Kayla. I've realized that I do like Steve, when he's dancing around the Dimera mansion, without Kayla.

Now, John and Marlena. Love them. I could have gone with the random moans, and well she was rather sexual when she was was oiling up her husband. But I really could have gone without the scene that Hope asked Bo if he was horizontally tied up that night. Or however she said it. Seriously what a mood killer. And am I the only one that's not bugged out by sex? I mean this is a soap opera, and well that's what soaps are full of. Cheesy sex. Personally this show would be a lot better if more people were having sex. And we actually saw it.

[Regency]

I like John&Marlena in that I wouldn't sic them on any more other people.

I like Steve and Kayla a whole lot more. I would gladly watch them get seriously horizontal for about an hour. Bo & Hope as well.

I'm not ageist, I'm not. I'd also watch Nancy Lee Grahn (51), Jane Elliot (60), or Mary McDonnell (54) get laid on any show at any time. Leanne Hunley as well. I just don't like the way DHer & DHe play their "cutesy, sexy, lovin'" scenes. A little much for me.

[Jes]

I don't care for the J&M love scenes either. Maybe the age thing bothers me a little, but really, it's the porn star moaning and face swallowing that creep me out. Is John really that sexy that Marlena gets revved up just by being in the same room with him? Or has she had some sort of awakening since she got back from Jersey? Either way, I wish they'd take it off-screen or at least tone it down a little.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

Jane Elliott is 60?!?!? Wow! Girlfriend looks really good. And she didn't have to Botox her face into catatonia to do it! Good on her.

[lovindashow]

The lumi Super 8 slurping is so gross. I just don't know if I can handle it anymore. Ali Sweeney deserves so much better.

[kitzie]

I'm concerned the Colleen/Santo story will be played very poorly as well. I just hope the reason I've had to go without my EJ for the last few weeks is that JS and AS were getting some SERIOUS voice coaching. But maybe the previous poster is right, maybe their accents will be so bad they will turn good?

[heather/peifgirl]

I am glad I am not the only one who does not care for the slurping of Lucas and Sami....and ITA on the Butt Paste, great stuff.....except for the occasional staining of the baby clothes.

[Susan]

I completely agree with you about the Sami & Lucas and the Marlena & John sex stuff. It's gotten to the point where I can't eat or even think about food when they're on! Days really needs to put a stop to this stuff - it's out of control!

Also, don't worry too much about the accents. I live in Canada and got to watch the first flashback episode on friday and Ali and James really did okay with the accents. Even the day players managed to do okay with them and you know what a miracle that is on Days - I'm stll having bad flashbacks from the day player in the scenes at Maison Blanche in May.

[Sista Friend]

I am an avid John and Marlena fan. IMHO The majority of the things the DH's do... is their choice... and in all honesty I believe they do it for their fans... because they know we have gotten CRAP storylines for the past like several years! But I agree somewhat... the moaning thing... getting kinda creepy at times lol.

I have really loved seeing the VETS on screen again: J&M, Bope and OMG Doug and Julie... however is it too much to ask that they give their VETS a HOME? Or is Bo and Hopes house the new Horton center for wayward Salemites?