General Hospital Week in Review

I've decided that ABC needs to acquire the rights to air Wimbledon coverage, because if there's a soap that could use some preemption, it's General Hospital.  For the ten-thousandth time in the last year or so, I ask:  Why isn't this show better?  This was one of those weeks that could have been really good (mostly because the mob action wasn't dominating every segment of every episode), but it was still...meh.  I'm sure this scintillating and wit-filled opening has you eager to hear more of my in-depth thoughts about mediocrity, so please, read on.

Laura Wright's new haircut continues to be amazing (and a source of many, many Google hits to this site -- it's like the new Rachel), but they had to go and detract from it by having Carly wear yet another terrible top this week.

The color is actually nice on her, but it ends in exactly the wrong place, creates a terrible line across the top, and, while I realize it's hardly worth pointing out at this point -- it's kind of like saying "Sonny could benefit from being less of a dick" -- it could really, really have used a bra

I haven't seen that unsettling a profile since last year, when I was watching Hollywoodland and during a close-up Adrian Brody turned to the side.

(Side story:  I went to save these photos in my GH folder and on the first the little box popped up and said "CarlyUglyTop14.jpg already exists.  Do you want to replace it?"  I have photos of at least 14 of Carly's ugly tops saved on my hard drive.  My poor, poor hard drive.  Do you think it finds comfort in having fueled my online purchases of many cute shoes and handbags, as well as most everything they sell at Sephora?)

And because it was a week that appears on the calendar, Carly's offenses were not just sartorial.  She was upset about Jason, the hitman/bail-jumper, being sent to a higher-security correctional facility, so she threatened the police commissioner.  As you do.

Carly to Mac: I demand to see Jason.  And if you send him to Pentonville, I’ll slap you with a lawsuit that will demote you to dogcatcher.

Yes, how dare you do your job, sir?!  There will be widespread outrage in the legal system if this gets out!

This was reminiscent of when Carly threatened to sic Sam's show on the PCPD if the cops didn't break the rules to let her in to see Jason. Why am I as a viewer supposed to relate to Carly and feel sorry for the mobsters, again?  I feel like I'm on crazy pills, but without any of the fun side effects.

Say what you will about this show (and if it's especially mean, say it to me), but the casting department is freaking brilliant.

GENIUS.

I have two serious problems with this picture. 

The first is Epiphany's scrubs.  I frankly don't understand patterned scrubs unless one works in a pediatric ward, but that aside, the fact that these particular ones were designed, manufactured, and purchased personally offends me.  (Speaking of Epiphany, I won't write about her "musicians are better than neurosurgeons" speech earlier this week, because "SO STUPID" and "HATE" repeated over and over again is not terribly entertaining.  It was SO STUPID, though, and I do HATE that character and the writing for her.)

The second thing about the above picture is an even more personal problem for me, in that it reveals how very damaged I am.  I have been trying to figure out who this guy playing random doctor dude who is going to be on Night Shift reminds me of, and seeing him in profile it finally clicked.  I can't even bring myself to type it here, so I'll take the cowardly route and link to it.

Earlier this week, I emailed this thought to Promising Ingénue with accompanying photos and she responded thusly (and appropriately):  "YOU ARE SO NOT RIGHT."

But hear me out!  Don't shun me!  I'm pretty sure it's just the hair. Because I looked the guy up, and his [stage] name is Dominic Rains, and he's hot when his hair is short!

So I guess what I'm saying is 1) this Dominic guy should cut his hair, and 2) I should really have my brain checked out and possibly also work on being a nicer person.

Why can't these two become, to borrow one of the more insipid US Weekly phrasings, gal pals?

Neither of them appears to have any other girlfriends, and they have stuff in common. Like that they're young, often poorly wardrobed, have lived in the Quartermaine mansion, totally have Tracy's number, and had sex with Dillon.  Who is leaving town, a fact I'm oddly fine with.  I liked Dillon a couple of years ago when he and Georgie first got together, but he's been mostly useless since just before the Monkey Virus/Minor Marrieds storylines.

I think I just put more thought into Dillon leaving town than the writers did.

This week, without a hint of irony or self-awareness, Sonny lectured:

1. Kate about not having enough fun with life
2. Carly about exposing their kids to a violent lifestyle, and
3. Sam about lying

I just don't even know what to do with all that.  Do the writers even watch this show?

So, Logan forcibly kissed another girl this week.  And was kind of smarmy in general.  But, here's the thing:  I so don't care.  Because the boy is hot.

Earlier this week Promising Ingénue summed things up well when she emailed me the following:

In GH news: I know that Logan has rage issues and gets inappropriately handsy, but I think he is brutally, brutally hot.

And I had a OMGWTF moment, because I had already started to draft this post and had referred to Logan as "brutally hot."  This tells me that 1) we have been writing this blog together for long enough that the mind-meld has begun, and 2) we've both seen Clueless way too many times and now speak almost entirely in Cher-Horowitz-ese.

I even found him hot doing his sarcastic little drunken salute.

And I like that he brings out the spunkiness in Maxie, which Coop, regrettably (because he is so, so good-looking and that is way important) hasn't in months

...but I'm not going to talk about this anymore because if I do I'll have to look at that photo and ponder Kirsten Storms' arms.  The hair extensions thankfully disappeared by the next episode, but the tiny limbs unfortunately continued their own disappearing act too.

Ms. Sneed is such a cartoon, she might as well be animated.  Someone should tell this show that it has enough bad guys (you know, the mobsters currently masquerading as the good guys), and doesn't need to create new ones.  Plus the Evil Hospital Administrator is a bit of a cliché, no?  They're one step away from having her wear a "HMOS are the bestest!" t-shirt with a "patients be damned, rules are rules!" cap.

I assume she's basically just setting up how Patrick and Robin end up on the night shift, so I'll let it go.  For now.

I don't know much about babies, but isn't it probably a bad idea for Liz to refer to Jason as "your daddy" to little Jake, who ostensibly will be raised with a different daddy?  I think she should stop.  Both for the good of the baby, and because no matter how lovely Becky Herbst is, I am going to start hating Liz if she keeps doing crap like this.

When is Lucky finally going to find out about Jake's real paternity?  Pretty much everyone else in Port Charles knew like a year ago, and there are nomads in middle eastern deserts who have heard by now.

It's not enough that the writers have utterly destroyed the character of Samantha McCall. It's not enough that on Friday's show, when Sam showed up and berated Liz for being insufficiently grateful for Jason rescuing Jake from the kidnapper even though Sam knew the identity and location of from the moment the abduction happened but did absolutely nothing to help the baby or her fiancé, I realized that there are serial killers about whom I have fonder feelings than I do for the character of Ms. McCall. 

No, that wasn't enough to load on poor Kelly Monaco this week.

Now, they've put her in leggings under a dress from Express circa 1988, if Express had had a maternity department.  Leggings!  In July!  Black leggings!  Under a terrible, tent-like dress! And this on the heels of the beehive and bell-bottomed white pants fiascos.

I think it's clear Kelly Monaco has repeatedly kicked the GH executives in the shins (I'm so jealous, Kel!) and has called all their children ugly.

It's official:  I love Amelia.   This week alone she exposed secrets whose secretiveness had been boring me for weeks if not months, and mocked Sam’s utter lack of professionalism.  She needs to stick around.  I'd prefer if when she was sticking around she had bangs, but I am willing to let that go if she remains in town and continues to call many of the denizens of Port Charles on their crap.

I also love Ned, who similarly comes to town and puts people's dirty laundry on display.  Why isn't Wally Kurth on contract?  And now that I see the names next to each other, how great would an Amelia/Ned pairing be?

I was going to rant about how the writing for Patrick and Robin has been crap, and how their relationship hasn't really moved forward in months, and how this makes me worried for their spin-off unless maybe the reason the GH writing is sucking is because Awesome Writer has been loaned out to Night Shift (I had an unusually optimistic moment), and how this whole "Noah and Patrick can't possibly operate on a guy who looks just like Noah" is totally stupid because unless I misunderstand brain surgery and/or was so distracted by Patrick Dempsey that I misinterpreted the many brain surgery scenes on Grey's Anatomy, they'll be working on the back of the guy's head, not staring at his face, but then I got to looking at screencaps for the week and I got distracted

I'm not sure by what

but I seriously lost my train of thought

and suddenly I could only think positive thoughts

and I remembered that Night Shift is going to be in the 11pm time slot on cable, and therefore the censors will probably be paying even less attention

and I realized all is right with the world and everything everywhere is okay, even on General Hospital.

Comments

[Sarah]

The lovliest sight on GH...Jason Thompson's tushy!!! He is yummy in ways I can't even describe. Like seizure inducing sex dipped in chocoalte, diamonds, and designer shoes. Fingers crossed for NS.

So NOT fair to compare Adrien Brody's nose and Laura Wright's refusal to wear undergarments. Without painful and character reducing surgery, AB's nose is here to stay as genetics intended. And there is no garment he could wear or buy to reduce it's odd size and shape. However, there are biliions of bras on the planet. Wardrobe department or not, acquiring a bra is easier than spotting a Gap, McDonald's and a Starbuck's on the same block. Seriously, has she ever worn a bra on GH? It's disgusting, and the hideous wardrobe only makes it worse.

Sonny moralizing and denouncing anyone makes me vomit a little in my mouth every damn time. Thank the lord for the FF button, right? I can't believe I onced loved this character.

I'm signing Lucky up for the Special Olympics. He should feel good about something he does. His IQ is approaching the single digits here. No way this guy is Luke and laura's kid. Save Lucky!

So long once adorable Dillon, and welcome home Ned. I hope he can hang out and remind me of the good old days.

ABC should order a DNA test for Logan and Scotty. Like a friggin' clone. Speaking of clones why is Maxie becoming Nicole Richie. Are they in a race to see who can weigh in under 80 lbs.? It's sick and a disease, GH needs to help her and fast.

And Georgie needs a story. She is seriously rocking a hot body. Her Emmy dress was ugly IMO, but the bod was smokin.

Dr. Julian is HOT! The hair is sad, but compared to Jason Morgan, come on. Give him a break. That link was wrong on so many levels. You are the queen of snark.

Sam, as hideous as they dress her and as much as I have always disliked her character....I feel for her. She is getting the "treatment" The Sonny, Jason, and Carly can do anything and it's glorified, but if they decide they don't like you anymore....off with your head! Maybe Robin can save her from a ten year exile!

Character assasination is spreading like wildfire on GH.

And Epiphany? Uncool. My greatest NS fear... All the love scenes and romantic storytelling will be for Pip and Billy Dee Williams. My nightmares make me afraid to sleep :-)

[Jessica]

I was gonna say something about something...sorry, I got distracted. GH is a great show isn't it?

[Fan of GH]

I just had to pimp Dominic Rains' work:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=p2s9lKXn3l4

and that YES, he would look soooooo much better with shorter hair. Like hotly better.

That is all.

(educating ppl on the hotness of Dominic Rains, one post at a time)

[Aydee]

EBT and PI, you are fabulous. Both of you. Utterly and completely.

That is all.

Oh, except:

"it's kind of like saying 'Sonny could benefit from being less of a dick" . . .

which is just one of myriad examples of your fabulousness.

[Elisabeth]

I often watch scenes that involve Carly/Sue Ellen Mischke the Braless Wonder simply because her hair is brilliant.

[Kristin]

"[h]ow great would an Amelia/Ned pairing be?"

You are a genius. Too bad it will never happen. :(

[Kelly]

I really want to help Kelly with her shin-kicking. ::pouts::

I hope that cap of JT will appear in all future blogs. It should be mandatory.

Ned not being on contract is one of the many, many things I fail to comprehend about this mess.

I don't remember who I was talking to but I also referred to Sneed as cartoon-like evil. It's utterly over the top and absurd. But how could you not comment on the scene that had Noah flirting with her. Oh yeah, he's still go it.

I'm hoping future blogs will have commentary on the giggling, idiot nurses who are already among the most annoying characters around...

Thank you for also wanting NuDoc to cut his hair. He looks so infinitely much better. Let's just hope he doesn't go to the Steve Burton school of never cutting your hair.

[LooseLips]

Gosh. That Dominic guy is really hot. Doesn't he know how hot he is with short hair? Does he not own a mirror?

Lulu and Georgie as gal pals? Only in my dreams... (where Georgie finally gives Maxie was is coming to her)

Ned/Amelia? Wally Kurth on my screen? Oh, I will take it!

Seriously, why is the casting department on GH SO DAMN TALENTED and the writing staff, well, not?

And on a finaly note, Josh Duhon is brutally hot.
And on a finaly note

[Bourgeois Nerd]

BTW, on a totally minor note, what I loved most about that "threat" of Carly's to Mac is the fact that, well, Mac wasn't even ever a cop! He just sort of magically became police commissioner!

[ElementaryDays]

Still trying to recover from that cowardly link. Just so...so wrong. Guess I'll be seeing you in hell, EBT!

It's kinda weird how I think something and it shows up on your blog two days later, but Duhon has been cranking out the heat lately. He's not usually my type, but he kinda sorta radiates sex. KnowwhatImean?

Along with you guys, Mark Teschner is responsible for roping me back in to GH. As a Days slave, I envy his brilliant eye for casting the hottest soap dudes who actually have an ability to act and are believable in the respective roles and as leading men. I wonder if GH could freelance him out to counter balance the crap that Days casts (James Scott not withstanding).

[RevengeMaiden]

On April 4, 2007, in repsonse to your column "MY BRAIN HURTS", I wrote the following:
"Regarding Patrick, the unbelieveable hot Jason Thompson, writers, take note: have him get out of the shower, wrap him dripping wet in a waist towel---I would forgive an entire hour-long episode of dirt poor writing...nee, nearly an entire week of lame-ass writing, if we could see a nearly naked Patrick..."

I SCREAMED at the television when this happend! Then I just froze the image on the screen (thank you, Tivo) and forgot the entire rest of the episode. Was there more show? Who cares. *Sigh*

While we are talking about hot guys, let's not leave out the incredibly hot Cooper/ Jason Gerhardt. At least we get to see that boy without his shirt once in awhile. That boy is disarmingly HOT!!! And he is working out and getting hotter! He may just be darn near perfect!

The Epiphany sermon was a waste -- and it was too long. Poor writing. Dr. Julian, CUT YOUR HAIR -- you are waaaaaaay cuter with short hair. I sincerely hope that the three student nurses are less annoying on NIGHT SHIFT than they are on GH.

Kelly Monaco wanted ABC to promote her to prime time and bigger and better things, so my guess is Guza & Co. felt betrayed and set out to destroy Sam. For poor writers, they certainly can assassinate a character quickly. I personally don't care, as I am tired of Sam's whiney ass and hope that Jason will find God in prison (a la Paris Hilton) and finally get together with Liz. Then perhaps Lucky can have an interesting story line as well.

Besides, Sam is more fun drunk.

Georgie and Lulu gal pals? BRILLIANT!!! Speaking of 'hook ups', perhaps the three new student nurses can keep Spinelli and Milo busy...

Dr. Julian, Jason and Amelia: rethink your hair. Maxie got rid of those sad extensions, so Robin, do something about your bangs. Jason Thompson, you need only wear a towel. *Sigh*

BTW, no comment on the new GH show intro?!?!?!

[Regency]

It was even worse for poor Kelly Monaco that she had to stand next to Nancy Lee Grahn who looked hawt. It was sad, really sad.

Georgie and Lulu should really be friends. I could just use JMB to tone down that slight condescension she speaks with sometimes. Just a wee bit.

Sonny's batshitcrazyinsane boy. Kate is fun but she's also batshitcrazyinsane girl...from Bensonhurst if you didn't know.

I already hate Liason. I loved them like two months ago; they need to die now.

[Bubbly]

I will be the first to admit that,YEARS AGO, I was a Jiz fan. I wrote a bit of fan fiction for them, cheered them on, hated Carly (that hasn't really changed), but now, they make me sick. It's like Guza looked at RH one day and thought, "You know, I think we need to make you Jason's new plaything, because everyone seems to like you so well with Lucky. Oh, and as icing on the cake, we're going to turn Lucky into a verbally abusive half-wit who can't even begin to stand up to the all powerful Jason Morgan! Never mind that he's a hitman for hire, has a stupid haircut (I'm kind of digging the long hair...I forget it's him sometimes), too much hair gel, and clearly impotent. If I can give Sam, Nikolas, and Noah a temporary twin, why can't I just throw in a little Jiz for fun?"

[madaboutscrubs]

LOL..You are so awesome! Those JT screen caps should become your new logo. ha Yes, that was very hot. Here's hoping NS is even hotter!!

Oh, no comments on Patrick dancing "hotly" while showing a little butt cleavage? My favorite part was how he owned it once he got caught, and did that dorky little hand motion at the end. Jason Thompson is completely adorable.

[Roxiebell]

I don't know which one of your profiles is more Adrian Brody "scary".......Carly in her ugly top or Patrick's puny backside profile?

[Brett]

Loved the gallery of the casting coups, i.e., Noah and Patrick, Logan and Scott. Don't forget Genie Francis and Julie Marie Berman - another brilliant choice by Mark Teschner.

Ned and Amelia? Ewwww. Too much of an age gap, reminiscent of Skye and Luke.

[Ms Chicklet]

"how great would an Amelia/Ned pairing be?"

SOFA KING GREAT. Imagine the sparkle and snark.

[alexisvasser]

I just looooooooooove Sonny/Carly so much I een looking at GH about 11 years.