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« The Day's Dumbest Dialogue | Main | 90210: Season 1, Episode 3 »

July 19, 2007

New Year's Resolutions: Another Opportunity for GH to Fail

As we hit the middle of the year, we thought we would check into see how the residents of Port Charles, Salem, Pine Valley, and Genoa City were doing with the resolutions they made as we said goodbye to 2006 and hello to 2007.  To refresh your memories, or for those new readers, the characters and showrunners of our "favorite" soaps were kind enough to take time out of their busy schedules and provide us with their new year's resolutions.  All the shows we cover got in on the action:  Days of Our Lives and General Hospital, plus All My Children and The Young and the Restless.

We'll do these show-by-show, because it would be unfair to load up a single post with that much failure.  (Oops, spoiler!)  Up first is General Hospital, which took the opportunity of a new year to just tell the same stories all over again, which as you might imagine made it a bit difficult for many of the characters to be successful with their resolutions.  It also helps render the show virtually unwatchable much of the time, but that's off-topic.  On to the resolutions!


I will become a totally different person, and will not, as seems to be likely given my previous romantic progressions, start to date my daughter Christina's friends when she is inevitably SORAS'd to 18 this year. I will also not throw stuff, have people killed, sabotage my exes' relationships, manipulate everyone in town, provide unsolicited advice about how people should live their lives, or wear tracksuits. I realize this may require heavy medication and possibly a brain transplant.
Sonny, GH

Resoluteness Rating:  2 out of 5

Reluctantly, I must give Sonny props (I'm weeping as I type that) for not jumping into another relationship with a 20-something.  And he hasn't thrown stuff, or worn a tracksuit (I guess those are reserved for the ghost of Alan now).  However, he has sabotaged Carly's relationship with Jax (including by tricking her into marrying him about five minutes after this resolution); and manipulated Carly, Kate, and anyone else he's come into contact with.  Oh, and he's had at least one person killed.  So overall it's a mixed bag, one that contains at least one dead body.

I will be shirtless far more often and in general will take every opportunity to get nearly naked. It goes without saying that on those few occasions on which I absolutely must be clothed, I will continue to be dreamily angsty.
Patrick, GH

Resoluteness Rating:  4 out of 5

Maybe it's just me, but I think there were many more potential nakedness opportunities that should have been seized.  There have been several actual near-nakedness incidents in the last couple of weeks (if you count Night Shift, which you totally should, if only for the nakedness), but who says that a doctor must always be fully clothed when dealing with patients?  It's a hospital, not a monastery.  Loosen up a bit, doc!

But despite wearing too many of them, Patrick has been hotly wearing clothes and hotly continuing to be dreamily angsty.  The recent baby freak out is probably my favorite hotly/dreamily angsty moment, but there are many to choose from.

We will stop being invisible.
The Scorpio Family, GH

Resoluteness Rating:  2 out of 5

With the exception of Robin, the Scorpios have continued to be mostly invisible.  Mac made a couple of brief appearances, and Anna has returned for at least a quick stay recently (and is awesome, as always, BTW), but Robert has apparently fallen down a well without a bright and kind-hearted collie around to reunite him with his family.  Maxie has gotten quite a bit of screentime, but I think that's because the writers don't really consider her and Georgie to be Scorpios.

I will be less . . . like myself, and more like someone else who is remotely likeable. I will also reconsider my wardrobe and especially my hairstyles.
Maxie, GH

Resoluteness Rating:  4 out of 5

Maxie has gone from one of the worst characters in daytime to one of our favorites around here.  Her wardrobe still has the more than occasional catastrophic event, and her recent foray into hair extensions was distressing, but overall she is our Most Improved Character.  She is alternately bitchily delightful and delightfully bitchy, striking a balance that some of us think is the height of coolness.

We will stop being so boring that we make televised bowling seem scintillating.
Georgie and Dillon, GH

Resoluteness Rating:  4 out of 5

Well, they broke up and Dillon left town, so . . . mission accomplished.  Too bad Georgie is left behind with her bad suburban housewife wardrobe to continue to make me want to hit the FF button. Lindze Leatherman deserves better!

We will continue to kick ass and will orchestrate a coup in cooperation with the Quartermaines and the Scorpios in which we push the mob out of Port Charles.
The Spencer Family, GH

Related resolution: I will wake up, thanks to R2-D2 or whatever the hell stupid drug temporarily woke me up this year, only this time it will be permanent and I will kick some ass and become the matriarch and believable heroine this town so desperately needs.
Laura Spencer

Resoluteness Rating:  0 out of 5

I still like Lulu, but Luke left town, again, and Lucky's good character has been sacrificed at the alter of Jason.  If Cam's last name were Spencer that might have bumped the family up to a 1 out of 5, but it's not, plus I'm grumpy about Jill Farren Phelps' stupid "how can we possibly work Laura into General Hospital?" comments.

I will stop being such a damned freaky child.
Michael, GH

Resoluteness Rating:  0 out of 5

I don't want to harsh on a kid (too much), so I'll just say I think this resolution was genetically impossible and leave it at that.

I will limit my crying to once a month, and will at least try to vary the things I weep over to extend beyond Jason. Oh, and I'll try not to screw my mother's husband, AGAIN, which will hopefully help with the cutting down on crying thing.
Sam, GH

Resoluteness Rating:  1 out of 5

She gets a one because she did not, in fact, screw her mother's husband.  But I think that's mostly because Ric is a sociopath and Alexis hasn't remarried yet, so Sam's options were limited.  The crying, though?  OH MY GOD THE CRYING.  The crying, the whining, the insecurities, the baby-craziness, the being an accessory to a kidnapping.  She's just . . . dead to us.

I will not impregnate any more women until I stop killing people for a living. I will stop worshipping Sonny. I...[internal circuits hacked by Evil But Twinless]...will be shirtless far more often and in general will take every opportunity to get nearly naked.
Jason, GH

Resoluteness Rating:  1 out of 5

He's still with Sam (at least until yesterday -- will these two finally break up already?!), who can't get pregnant (Oh, you hadn't heard?  Yeah, it's a well-kept secret that nobody ever discusses or cries about.  Woe is the girl who takes a bullet to the babymaker.).  And he hasn't been shirtless much at all.  There was that appearance in a tank top, but I was distracted by his neck being bigger than the hospital so I couldn't really appreciate the near-shirtlessness.

I will go at least six months without getting engaged or married, and I will not let Sonny manipulate me into doing stupid stuff.
Carly, GH
[Ed. note: Obvious preposterousness of this resolution is duly noted.]

Resoluteness Rating:  0 out of 5

I think she married Sonny a week after that and divorced him and married Jax within a couple of months of that, so even with the noted obvious preposterousness I think it's clear she's not so much with the personal growth.  And had part of the resolution been to wear a bra, we would have had to dip into the negatives.

I will stop being an idiotic hack and will get Genie Francis back full-time as Laura, so that all can start to be right in the GH world.
Jill Farren Phelps, GH's executive producer

Resoluteness Rating:  0 out of 5

Um, yeah . . .

We will get new jobs, far away from the world of daytime TV.
Everyone in charge of ABC daytime and in particular those who write for or "run" General Hospital (yes, we're looking at you, Bob Guza)

Related resolution: We will take some friendly advice to heart. - New GH Showrunners

Resoluteness Rating:  0 out of 5

I was tempted to give this a one just because the phrase "new GH showrunners" makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.  But then I remembered that I am bitchy, and that this show sucks.


Sonny doesn't "manipulate" people; he "ma-nipple-ates" them. Usually when they want a DEE-vorce and he doesn't.

Funny comments! ^___^ I only watch GH and I sincerely hope it doesn't fail.

Thankfully Sam broke up with Jason and now I'm waiting to see her character develop a backbone and become the independant and strong female charcater she was supposed to be, since she is sans Jason. Will it happen? I hope so.

The break-up scene with Jason in handcuffs at Pendle-whatever-ton, the jail place where he gets a lot of visitors - and Sam I thought went to Sam for the win. Jason only sees the world from his own sanctimonious plateau. He was a jerk to Sam; but then, he's pretty much been a self-righteous jerk for awhile.

I loved Sam's speech because she was right. Jason is loyal to EVERYONE in the world but his so-called girlfriend, Sam. He basically had an emotional love affair, after the actual one-nighter, and gave his heart to Liz a long time ago. Sam finally got a clue and broke it off. o_O She was simply the penthouse hooker and I'm glad she broke up with him. Maybe now she'll get a life and more airtime with her mom, Alexis.

Whatever the writers continue to do to make us hate Lucky and Sam has backfired, and I have only been left with loathing for Jason and Liz. I've always disliked her character, though - she's too goody-two-shoes, and basically a manipulative passive/aggressive personality. I want to see Liz finally get her comeuppance for the liar she is, Carly to beat her senseless, and Jason to go on a vacation until he comes to his senses and forget he has god-like status that makes him unable to raise children, unlike Sonny. Jason, get over yourself!

Maybe now Spinelli can date Sam... heh, j/k


I think Sam made a resolution to work out in Jason's living room everyday. (Why doesn't she just join a gym?)

YAY for Maxie being the Most Improved Character. Woot-woot!

Much agreed on two points:

Yay! Patrick hotly doctoring, commitment-dodging, standing, breathing, (insert any verb here), despite wearing too many articles of clothing, has held up his resolution quite nicely. I'm not as much into his nekid body as I am into that lower lip, and his face in general, so since he has a nice lanky frame that wears those nekid-prohibiting clothes so well, I'm fine with his non-nekidness. And as you noted, Night Shift is chipping in on that resolution where GH is lacking. Props to Night Shift for that. More please.

Boo!!! JFP sucks. If she had produced a steller show for the last 6 months and turned around the misogynistic, boring mob shit (Teschner's brilliant casting of hot actors not included) that GH has been pooping out into a soapy juggernaut of daytime television, I would still hate her with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns for the douchy way she has mistreated Genie Francis. Gah! Hate! Sorry for all the bathroom references, but my soap-rage gets in the way of my vocabulary when I think about the unprofessional way an EP of a majorly successful legacy program gets away with running the show. It's frustrating.

Okay...trying to go to that warm, fuzzy place of "new GH showrunners" ....

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